Past Comments – Final Considerations About Rebuilding Trust

Comments (58)

written by MGP, 20 December, 2011
I have just found out that my fiancee has been having secret text messages with another man. Whilst telling me that she love me. This situation would not bother in the past but I am in wheelchair since my accident and I thought she was genuine as she wanted to marry me. Now I am so upset I do not know what to as I can no longer trust her. Where do we go from here and how can we build trust. She knows my views on extra activities outside the relationship and yet she did not take them into account. She is a very good looking woman and will get a lot attention but she wanted to marry me and pushed me to move things forward.
written by wizyte, 28 December, 2011
I don’t know what to do in that situation. You sound like since your accident you’ve become worried about things that would not normally bother you. If she loved you before the accident and says she still loves you now, then why would you believe she’s not genuine? Of course I have no idea what those, "secret text messages" discussed or contained. Going with that you don’t know what were in her texts, I would leave it at that and trust her. People hide things for different reasons. She may have secret texts because she’s worried how you’d react if you knew she text certain people. This would have nothing to do with the fact that she loves you or not. I would not discontinuing my trust in someone just because they talked or text someone other than myself. If she knows your views about her talking to other people are not the same as yours, she may have hid those messages only because she doesn’t want you to get the wrong idea. I wouldn’t jump to conclusions. Especially if she’s telling you she loves you. And it’s obvious you’re worried that she’s, "a very good looking woman" or you wouldn’t have wrote that. I’d say trust the woman and ease up on her. Of course, if you’ve found out she’s been cheating on you or something, disregard everything I’ve said and find someone who loves you for who you are.
written by peggysue, 10 January, 2012
I found emails from the 1st year of our three and a half year relationship between my boyfriend and another woman discussing how they were going to meet for sex. Then about 6 months later I found instant messages between him and a different woman discussing the dirty things they wanted to do to each other. He is the front man in a rock band that tours but I tour with him. He has promised that these were horrible mistakes and he doesn’t want to lose me but there are constantly attractive women around him and emailing him after shows. My self esteem is non-existent and I’m constantly in fear of him cheating and going further this time than emails, etc. We have a really deep connection and are both extremely affectionate. He is very sensitive and talks about my issues whenever I need to. I’m just not sure if he has really changed and if so can handle the increasing amount of women throwing themselves at him.
written by Roxane, 31 January, 2012
I’ve been lying to my boyfriend about little things that means nothing to me simply because I was afraid of his reaction. I promised him that I’d do anything to regain his trust back and that’s what I’m trying to do right now. But he’s always suspecting me. He’s checking my emails as well as my facebook account. He calls me in the middle of the night and sometimes he doesn’t respect me (he tell me to shut up or call me names)and he says that’s all my fault because he doesn’t trust me anymore and he doesn’t seem to care about hurting my feeling... I’m at a point that I know I love him and I know I’ve been acting wrong and I’m trying really hard to regain his trust.
written by MonicaP., 19 February, 2012
Roxane, I am exactly where you are right now. This article was very helpful to me. I am going to try even harder to take the right steps toward him regaining trust in me, and I pray every day we will make it.
written by Chris T., 21 February, 2012
I found my wife has been lying about what she’s been doing over lunch. What it is specifically isn’t so important, but rather when I asked her flatout, she told me specifically, "No, I am not doing that."

Only when confronted with the evidence I had found did she admit to it, and only when I presented it bit by bit did she continue to confess.

Now it has me questioning her fedility to me. If she lies about something as simple as what she does/where she goes for lunch, how can I possibly trust that she isn’t seeing another man?

written by saddedn, 22 February, 2012
I was caught by my fiancee that I was seeing my x-bf. I accept my fault... we have a plan to settle down next year. I asked apology. It seems hard for him to forgive me. I don’t know how to gain his trust.
written by Hate Cheaters, 01 March, 2012
Well I was about to write a long story on here but thought i would keep mine short—I just want to know isssss: after 12 yrs in a good relationship and then just finding out ur partner has had an affair on you on these last 8 weeks... do you think its worth it giving it another try?
written by Love is blind, 02 March, 2012
Yes if you love him and you feel the relationship has strengths then consider working on it especially if you have kids. If no kids then maybe not. The key question is whether you believe in your heart that he is capable of change?
written by feel so sad, 04 March, 2012
My partner lied to me about major issues and unemotionally told me he knew he was lying at the time. Then he swears he’ll become trustworthy. Yet he doesn’t keep his word about even small things. When I explain that kind of behavior makes it difficult for me to trust him, he becomes violently defensive. When some people are caught in lies and if you try to find out what Is the truth, they lash out at you.
written by Loise, 12 March, 2012
My husband finally admitted that he was having affairs and there has been children born out of that. He lied a lot, betrayed me and our kids over and over and still would not leave us. I do not have a peace of mind, I don’t even know if I can trust him ever again. Please let me know what you will do in my case.
written by Jean in MN, 14 March, 2012
I was caught talking to an ex b/f online. We’ve never spoken over the phone or have seen each other in many many years but my current b/f found out about us talking by chance.
The conversations were never sexual in nature and were like two old friends talking.(we were together for almost 10 years) My b/f also found out that I was lying about smoking again, which I admit I shouldn’t have kept from him, however I knew these two things would cause serious problems between us therefor I didn’t share this information with him.
After almost a week of continuous discussions, including me taking full acceptance of what I did and my lying, he claims he is moving forward and we’re working hard at our relationship.
I on the other hand feel as though he will continue to distrust me and part of me knows I deserve that feeling, however the pain I’ve caused him affects me more than his anger towards me.
My question now is, how long do I allow him to treat me as though I’ve cheated when I never had any physical contact with the former b/f? How long do I allow him to look at me with hatred?
written by hurt and unsure, 14 March, 2012
I have been in a relationship with my fiance for three and a half years. He was caught (drunk) with a girl rubbing all over him and they were whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ears. I made mention that I noticed but due to both parties being drunk, it continued in my presence. After letting him sober up, I confronted him about it and explained how I feel....he apologized but now I can’t manage to let it go. He is continuously caught in little white lies which also makes it all come flooding back. I’m questioning the marriage, as much as I love him and he claims to love me. Please help...any suggestions would be appreciated.
written by no name, 15 March, 2012
I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me with a guy. It all happen when she met this guy at a concert and from that day on they became close. I suspected something but I didn’t know what to do. Recently she confessed to me that they made out once and I just was in shock. I don’t know what to do or say to her. I really love her and I don’t want to loose her. Should I give her a second chance? Or should I leave her?
I need help please help me??
written by Paranoid and upset, 16 March, 2012
Reading everyone’s responses has helped me feel better. In my previous serious relationship I was not faithful, but I am now in a relationship where I am really trying to be committed. Yet I found out that my gf had been talking to her ex, hanging out, and sent an inappropriate picture. She says there was still baggage and that she would do anything to not lose me. We are trying to regain the level of trust we had before, but I find it almost impossible to believe that she wouldn’t do something like that again in the future. I feel like she did things that hurt me without any consideration to how I would react, and that makes me extremely nervous. I find myself being extremely paranoid. I also contemplate getting payback or making her feel hurt like I do, but I care about her and the last thing I would want is to ruin our relationship. If anyone has been in a similar situation I would really appreciate some advice.
written by Trying to figure this out, 16 March, 2012
So I cheated on my bf, and I came clean and told him the very next day. The situation that lead up to this is that we have been trying to make things work long distance and In the last few weeks I have been going through a lot of emotional problems and stress and he tries to be there for me but often I do feel neglected in that he hasn’t had the energy to support me through these hard times, he’s trying but its been coming up short, so he suggested that I find someone who understands what I’m going through and talk to them as well. So I get in touch with an old friend that knows what I went through. I was very clear that I was in a relationship. We decide to watch a few movies together to get me out of the house. We talk about everything that has been stressing me and he offers me a massage and I agree and that massage escalated in to some heavy petting it didn’t go any further because I did get caught up in it for a bit but didn’t completely loose my will power. I felt really bad and new things had gone too far, so I told my bf the next day, he had told me early on when he started working out of town that if anything ever happen and he said would likely happen I should tell him and everything can be worked out, I told him that I would tell him but it wasn’t needed because it wasn’t going to happen.
Anyways it did happen and I did tell him and it blew up, my friend felt really bad and responsible and offered to text my bf to try and fix things in a panic because everything was blowing up, I agreed and gave him my bfs number, that just pissed my bf off more. I was so over whelmed by everything that I turned off my phone and went for a long drive. When I turned my phone back on, everyone was really worried and looking for me, my bf had called a bunch of my friends and had them looking for me and my friend was looking for me too. my bf and I ended up talking he was calmed down a lot, very hurt but a lot calmer, he said he is going to give me another chance and it needs to never happen again, I won’t be forgiven again. Now I feel like I have destroyed everything, I strongly believe in honesty, and lying would be a worse offense but I do worry that we won’t be able to rebuild the trust, even though I was honest and it was truly a moment of weakness, I wasn’t looking for an affair or even a one night stand it wasn’t about sex or not loving my bf. It was getting caught up in a moment of release, when I had been wound so tight for the last few weeks. I know that sounds like an excuse, but its not it’s what lead up to it and no it doesn’t change what happened or that it shouldn’t have happened.
Did I do the right thing and is this potentially salvageable?

written by Hurt & Confused, 22 March, 2012
@Paranoid and upset: I am recenty out of a very similar situation. In my previous serious relationship I was the cheating party. I thought I understood the pain I cause, but it hasn’t been until my current relationship that I truly see how disaterous it is. My current partner cheated on me very early in our relationship w/ an ex0love interest of hers. Granted I understand we moved very fast & she had her insecurities as a result. As much as I try to understand & not hold it against her so harshly I don’t know how to let the anger go. It has caused me to become a very jealous individual that I never was before. I offer no solutions as her & I are in the rebuilding process as well & it is proving to be difficult, but if you stay together I wish you the best & know there are others in the same boat. What keeps me going is constantly reminding myself of how much good is in our relationship & knowing that there IS love. She has acknowledged her mistake & is making an effort to improve & make me feel more comfortable. I hope yours is doing this was well! Again, good luck!
written by i did it!, 22 March, 2012
I did something that I now regret, my GF n I have been having a wonderful relationship, been dating for over 1 yr and 4 months with plans of living together n getting married we had issues but we always resolved. I love her very much!

Oh! We have plans of moving this April!

On Monday March 19th 2012 we were at home paying our bills on line so I asked her to open her Facebook account so I can upload a video I created for her, she did and we had always trust each other leaving our accounts opened n using each others phones because we have nothing to hide, well I went to her Facebook settings and I blocked out her HS sweet, why I did it, I had an issue with him 3 months ago and she was aware of it, so I thought by me blocking him it will make me feel better! After that I went home feeling guilty of what I’ve done, I decided to just let her know of what I did, it turns out she found out the next day that I block this person, we went for a walk n before I told her she was very calm and asked me if I trust her and love her I told her yes and she ask me a question if I block this person out from her Facebook and I did admit it and apologies at that moment n explain why, she said she feels that I invaded her privacy n she don’t trust me, its been 2 days we hang out text all day talk on phone and have coffee but its not the same and she’s just different and she just doesn’t trust me! I need advice.., I need to gain her trust back! Thank you!
written by Hmm., 28 March, 2012
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over three years. Neither of us has ever cheated on the other, but sometimes I feel so bitter and angry with him I almost want to. He completely lacks empathy. He’s never seen me upset and provided a gentle word or a hug, not once. If I’m lucky I’ll just get a lecture on how to do better next time, and if I’m not, he’ll be mad at me for the same reason that I’m upset.

Case in point, I didn’t make it into a graduate program I was hoping to get into. I came back home devastated after I found out the news, and instead of him just saying we’ll find a way to make something else work out, he blamed me for not being more competitive. When I confronted him and asked him to give me a hug and comfort me, he didn’t hug me. He started yelling and called me emotionally unstable and said if I wanted a hug I’d have to quit being a baby and hug him myself. I started to cry and he called me emotionally unstable, a lunatic, a fucking idiot, and told me to just get out of his life because he can’t stand being around me anymore. We haven’t had a disagreement in the last year in which he didn’t call me any names.

I’m beautiful, I’m smart, I’m hard-working, and the only reason I was rejected is because I applied to a good program without the subject being the same as my undergraduate. In a year of graduate-level continuing student classes, I believe I can get in. There was no need to be so hostile. I just wanted a friend.

This sort of thing happens all too often. I need someone to lean on from time to time, just a hug and a kind word, and he gets completely enraged. I feel like I give all I can to boost his self esteem but he tears down mine at every opportunity. I find myself looking at him with hatred. I catch myself wanting to carve out his emotional smugness by cheating on him. I know I never will, but I relish the thought.

The worst part is I talk to him and he agrees that his behavior is completely ungrateful. But he’s never budged. If I’m upset about anything at all in the world, he completely tears me apart. I don’t know whether or not to keep trying.
written by concerned and disturbed, 30 March, 2012
Dear Hmm.

Your boyfriends behavior sounds emotionally abusive. You are not making unreasonable requests and your emotions are justified, based on what you have said here. He needs help, or you need to consider the possibility of moving on. Like you said, you’re beautiful, you’re smart, and hard-working. Do you deserve the way he’s treating you? Would you let a friend be treated that way, or a sister?

Best luck.
written by Sorry and hurt, 01 April, 2012
Dear paranoid and upset

I understand what your going through. I myself am going though the same thing. But I was the unfaithful one. I did to my boyfriend what your girlfriend did yo you. I understand what shes going through and if you love her. Try an trust her again. Cause she will be hearten herself up for the rest of her life. And you not trusting her isn’t goon to make you guys relationship any better. If you want it to work tell her that. Don’t forget why you fell in love with her. That part of her is still there. You just have yo uncover it again. An let her show you she doesn’t mean to hurt you. It will take time an patience. But don’t give up. She loves you and she is hurting more than you know.

I hope I helped a little.
written by sad and worried, 05 April, 2012
Sooo, I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2years. Our relationship went very quickly, we moved across country together after 4months of dating. Then 4 months after that found out I was pregnant. During this time, the girl he was with right before me (he left her for me.. so he says. ) was still texting him. So I started going through his phone.. the texts were mostly about her missing him and how she wasn’t over it. and then once in awhile there would be a sexual one.. he knew I didn’t want him talking to her, but once I was pregnant I got real serious about it.. he said he told her to stop and she just wouldn’t.. so around my 7th month of being preggo, he texted her to stop and let me see it. from there, I actually believed that she had stopped.. we just recently moved back home. he got home about an hour late one night, and I asked what took so long.. well he LIED.. he said he stopped for a drink by himself.. but I was like, oook. so then the next day, he invited me to a "friends" party.. a friend he had never mentioned at all.. I thought this whole thing was sketchy.. I waited a few days, then went through his phone cuz I couldn’t shake this feeling.. I found a text from his ex about the party and the night before... so I told him he had one chance to tell me the truth about everything... he lied again.. so I called her and she told me they still text and she was out for a drink with him that night.. (while I’m home with our son.) and that party he wanted me to go to, she was going to be there.. and he just wasn’t going to tell me.. I think that’s so mean.. but anyways, all that happened, and on top of that he has had issues with doing pills in the past. I don’t agree or approve of that, especially because of my son, I just don’t want that in either of our lives
there were a few incidents when he did it while I was pregnant.. and he is well aware of my feelings about it. (that’s why he quit in the first place) but again, now that we’re back home, he can get these things more easily, and he has tried.. he got some the very next day after he promised, promised, promised! he wouldn’t ever do anymore and I never had to worry again... so what do I do? how am I supposed to trust what he says? I mean, I try to trust him, but some days, when I’m sitting here with my son, and looking at him, I just think, how could he put that girl and pills before his son and me? sometimes I just sit here and cry because I’m so hurt.. he always said " it took so long to gain your trust, why would I ever break it?" and I just can’t understand why he did.. his only explanation is that he was an "idiot for a second." idk, just thought someone else’s advice would maybe help me out.. sorry this turned into kind of a venting session.. I just need to get it out, and he doesn’t listen.

written by ZA, 13 April, 2012
This probably isn’t constructive but to all the cheaters, you suck!! Why not just break up with who ur with? It’s so hurtful. If you cared about us so much, why would you do this??????

written by FML, 17 April, 2012
So, recently, I found out my boyfriend of four years cheated on me over a year ago.. We were alright, and things were going back to normal... but I had to go and screw it up. My best friend, a male, whom I have had feelings for, and I got drunk together. We ending up kissing. I realized that I don’t have feelings for this friend anymore.. I told my boyfriend right after it happened. The worst part is, my friend was going to move in with us temporarily at the end of this month because he had some finical issues. My boyfriend says he forgives me.. and he still wants our friend to move in.. but I can tell he’s very upset about it. Should I cut all connections with my best friend? I will do anything to get back the trust that was lost. All three of us screwed up.. Is acting normal a good idea?
written by misery, 22 April, 2012
my fiance and i were engaged a month after i got divorce. we have been together for over a yr an half. when we were dating, i met a man i also liked but i never had any physical contact with him. we flirted through skype and emails but the messages were dirty messages, things we want to do to each other. My bf back then (my fiance now) saw those emails but i confessed we were flirting. he forgave me for what i did then few months after, i found out he was still sleeping with her ex gf. since he forgave me for what i did, i forgave him as well. we love each other very much and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. a year after,when he looked at my Facebook, he saw that i was still friends with the first man i flirted with but we didn’t talked anything about me being with him. most of the conversations were about his school,work, and me and my fiance relationship(how i was excited to marry him and how he makes me happy). given the fact that this guy and I had history of exchanging explicit messages and pics in the past, he was very angry and told me he cannot forgive me for second time. he called me unworthy, and broke up with me. i was in pain and very hurt,losing him is not my options. i fought hard for him, but showing him i can be worthy and trusted, its been over 3 months he still has not communicated his feelings with me. then i found out that he is talking to the same ex gf he slept in the past but they’re are just friends as well. he claims they’re not doing anything wrong...the whole thing was a messed but i continue to fight for hurts a lot because every time he tells me he forgives me, i don’t think he really have, because he is still cold and hurtful to how he speaks to me.i’m depressed,i cant function, i lost the whole meaning of what life is all about losing him. he said he still loves me but he has doubts about being with me. i accepted the fact that we will not be able to work this out until we both fixed whatever we need to fix in ourselves to rebuild trust again. Now,i repented to my sins to him and learning to forgive myself so i can start over again. sometimes, trying to build the trust does not work for everyone. specially if its hurting you even further. Good luck to all and put your faith and trust to God. let HIM handle what’s best for you.
written by hurt&confused, 26 April, 2012
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months and things were great! Went spent as much time as possible together whenever we could. We had discussed marriage and moving in together in the next few months and he was the one who discussed it first. He said many time how he would never cheat on anyone because he had been cheated on twice. I was so happy to hear that because I too had been cheated on and NEVER wanted to go through that again. So 2 weeks ago I saw text messages on his phone from a girl i had never heard him talk to me about. He has female friends and I was fine with that because I completely trusted him. These messages were always started by him and were very flirtatious and he even asked her to meet him a few different times. She would never commit and to the best of my knowledge from the text and what he is telling me they never met.
When confronted he said he was just joking, he loves me more than anything and still wants to be with me for the rest of our lives. I love him and want everything to be like it was but I’m not sure I can move past this. He doesn’t feel what he did is cheating...i don’t understand this. He has apologized many times but I’m not sure if he is sorry for making me feel horrible, having to see me in such pain, or actually the act of asking another girl for a date.
I’m so confused! My head says run while you have only given him 6 months of your life. If this is happening now when things are so good what would happen when issues like kids and money come into play, but my heart says stay. I am working on staying and have even set up an appointment with a counselor but I don’t trust him and I need to learn how I can do this? He can’t give me a reason why this happened which I am also having a hard time understanding. I feel like if he could tell me why this happened I would help me start healing. He says its not because he was scared or that he was unhappy, really? Why else would he do this? I hate being so crazy about things...when he doesn’t reply within 10 min or so to texts it makes me wonder especially when he says he is only watching tv? Really? Then why such a delay? I can’t live the rest of my life with all this distrust...please help?

written by chocolate, 04 May, 2012
I moved in with a guy. Shortly after knowing him. I regret that I hurt him by choosing to meet up with other people one night. Now he doesn’t want to know me. He kicked me out. And he says that I never proved that I loved and cared for him. But the thing is that I do love him. I would like to rebuild my trust back. He now tells me he doesn’t even like me any more. Although I’m willing to change my behavior. After knowing 3 months of our relationship had ended. I’m a very attracted beautiful woman. Funny and intellectual which he knows that I would like to just get back with him. He is hurt and I am hurt.
written by Hannah s., 12 May, 2012
Well it all started about 3weeks ago when my boyfriend of 7 1/2 mounts and I got into a huge fight... Ever since then it’s been a constant war of small fights... I was looking for comfort and was talking to an old friend , well on my end the texts and late night talks became flirty because when Made him feel good he would tell me how amazing I was or what a great friend I was and it was just filling the void of loneliness and frustration I had... Well my bf found the texts and completely blew up at me which was completely understandable I deserved for him to dumb me right there.. I felt awful and still do. He calmed down and suggested the idea of taking a break to just clear the air and start from scratch. This idea sounds okay however I just want him to gain trust back in me.... What makes me feel worse is that he said I thought I was different than all the other girls he’s dated... And I happen to know the other girls and by knowing them I know I’m different from them and I just want to fix things regain his trust and show him I am the girl he thought I was... Please help me.
written by Yvonne P, 16 May, 2012
I received a text message from a girl claiming to be sleeping with my partner. i immediately ended things through anger and hurt but after only a week took my partner back as neither sides had any proof. 6 months later, i still don’t know whether its true or not and am finding it very hard to trust my partner which is affecting him as he sees himself as innocent. she showed me pics of them together but they were friends and i have pictures with my male friends so this is hardly proof! my relationship is in great danger of ending very soon as we are both feeling pressured. any advice as to how i can overcome these feelings of confusion and hurt. not knowing is worse than if he just admitted it.
written by AronMsmith, 19 May, 2012
I got married last year and no more than months later my wife is obsessing over a coworker sending dirty messages meeting him on lunch etc. I figured all this out while browsing some messages on day after some suspicious behavior strike one. We then talked it over and how I felt etc. and I thought we had it all sorted out and under control when a couple months later she texts him and tells him how she still has dirty day dreams and how hes still her obsession and so on. Strike two. We talked through this and came up with a plan to move past this and come to find out the very next day she hangs out with him all day and then after work in his vehicle where he asks her "what would you do if I kissed you?" Stunned she says nothing and he makes his move and proceeds to kiss her. She tried to hide it but being the horrible liar she is I quickly find out and strike three. I kicked her out of the house its been two days now and I don’t know what to do. Please help. Do we try to save the marriage or will she never change and if she was sincere when she said it wasn’t a mutual kiss he kissed her and she never said she wanted it wouldn’t you think she would have come straight to me and told me the truth instead of hiding it? What do I do can I ever trust her again. Is this my fault?
written by js22, 19 May, 2012
My boyfriend and I have been together two years.he keeps lying to me about little things. Like where he went or what he’s doing and I will admit that I’ve been controlling and gotten mad over things and made him feel like I didn’t trust Jim but lately I’ve learned to let go not be controlling and not get mad but he still lies to me.I think He thinks ill get mad so he lies to keep me happy. But I just want the truth. Somebody help I stay with him? Or leave
written by Devastated 3x’s, 19 May, 2012
I have been with my man for almost 3years. I have caught him repeatedly texting other women inappropriately. He lies and denies. Then I get proof and he down plays it. I just found out today that he is talking to the same one I caught him with last year. He promised to never speak to her again because he did not want to lose me. I told him if he did it would be over. Now I have to leave him to stand by my word and self preservation and it is devastating me. What do I do? Can I work it out with him without allowing it to keep happening? Any suggestions?
written by Help!!!, 07 June, 2012
I have been with my man for a year now and I lied to him about a work xmas pary and told him I was going to a friend’s bday dinner. There was no real reason why I did it ( there was no other guy or anything) I just did it. He even ask me about it but I lied right to his face... now any fight that we have it gets brought up. He has told me that he loves me but he cannot trust me at all. Is it worth it to make this relationship work or should I cut my loses since he does not deserve to be treated like this. I do love him with all my heart but I hate to see him doubt everything I tell him.
written by gatha, 08 June, 2012
i decided to enter my boyfriends phone and saw a text msg that was wrecking of guilt. i started crying and told him what i saw now he did not explain to me what i simply did was take the number and call the person and ask if he was their boyfriend now she said it was the mother but what mum sends such terrible msgs to a son unless their sick. but he explained and told me that msg was going to the friend who came from the brother country. i kinda find it difficult to believe but he knows better. yesterday he called me saying the "mum" came to tell him i called and asked that then he got angry and started yelling and cut the phone. up to now he hasn’t called but i have not bothered to called back also. i was wrong to jump to conclusion so fast but yet again i had to find myself in a safe position.
written by Paranoid, 13 June, 2012
I recently found an email from my husband to this woman he knows that said "Good night baby, love you" He insists they are just friends, they rarely talk to each other and only started a friendship with her because he couldn’t talk to me (cheaters creed right?) I don’t believe they have had a physical affair, he’s pretty busy and I always know where he is, but that comment is something you say to someone you are in love with, not a friend, as he claims. He has agreed not to have contact with her while we are working on our marriage, but he is short with me when i try to explain how what he had done has made me feel. Any hope for us?
written by KW, 24 June, 2012
@paranoid, No, if it smells like shit—its shit.
don’t find yourself in a situation where the signs right in your face and you let it pass by with making excuses for him about how busy he is. if they want to do it, they will, any place, any time.
i got caught out treating it the same way you are.

what these cheaters don’t realize is that their pleasure and selfish indulgences are someone else’s pain and sadness.
written by Lynda Moore, 29 June, 2012
I have been faithfully seeing one man, for 3 years and at first I thought he was with other women. He Lied until I found the evidence while helping him move. since then it has progressively gotten worse and worse. I love him and it will rip me apart, but it already is, so I need to walk away and let him go. Thing is he wont go.
written by Wanting to fix it, 04 July, 2012
Well my fiancé after 3.5 yrs and just having a baby together, he caught me sexting and sharing nudes. I never actually met anyone and I never even flirted in real life. I know it was wrong and I see the error of my ways. I was having severe postpartum and felt he had turned his back on me after I couldn’t breast feed. Those feelings I had were my own disappointment of myself and I was ignorant to believe he felt that way. I really wasn’t no where close to myself, and it’s not who I want to be now and in the future! Well he was super upset and so was I. I felt so worthless and so nasty. With the postpartum feeding my already lingering depression problem, that I’ve had since childhood, I tried to commit suicide. It was a foolish thing to do. I regret all of it, the sharing and sexting, the suicide attempt and how screwed up I was after all of it. I didn’t know what to do at first. I just wanted to die with the pain I had caused him. I do love him with all my heart and soul! I was wrong with all of it, I don’t want to be wrong any longer! Well I start getting my shit together and try opening up to him and give him everything I can. We had to move states and live with my family. He hated it, and it only made things worse. Well he pretty much demanded a 3 sum with another woman and myself. Well even tho I don’t like the thought of it because of obvious reasons, I agree to it to show him I will do anything for him. Everyone thinks he is trying to control me and just do me wrong. But I know him better than that, he’s just hurt and lashing out. Well I’m not go
written by Devastated, Heart broken and Confused, 10 July, 2012
I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. We were in a long distance relationship for the first 2 years. My daughter and I moved not only to be with him but because it was a great opportunity for both of us. I have been contacted by 2 girls in the past saying they had a relationship with my boyfriend. I did some searching and concluded both of these girls were misconstruing their relationship with my boyfriend. The other day a girl accidentally replied all to an email my boyfriend had sent. Her reply was "I miss your kisses". I quickly replied to her asking how she misses MY boyfriend’s kisses... Come to find out they have been having a relationship for the past few months. I confronted him and after having damning evidence (texts, emails, pictures of them) he confessed and apologized. For the past couple days he and I have been talking, he’s currently deployed, about the reasons behind his straying. We have been up and down and been going through a lot together, but never thought he would stray. He told me he’s been feeling like he has to defend our relationship to people, the fact that he wants to have a life with me, yet people don’t understand how he could want that if we were dating long distance for 2 of the 3 years and he now he is deployed. He says having to defend us to others made him question whether or not he’s being crazy for wanting a life with me and my daughter. He also said he was sabotaging our relationship when we were at a high and he has baggage from previous relationships that make him scared of commitment. He has apologized and we made promises to each other to help each other through anything. I told him the minute he feels he cannot stay away from texting, emailing, seeing other girls then tell me our relationship is done. My entire life I have been overly trusting and have been burned time and time again. Yet, I want so badly to believe the deal and promises we made last night will be followed through on. My best friend says she believes he will stray again. I don’t want to be the dumb girl that believes he will not do this again, but I want to give him a chance to prove that what he says is true, he loves me, wants a life with me and I’m his best friend. What do I do? Is it possible he won’t do this again or am I just wasting my time? Help!
written by Faith and Hope, 17 July, 2012
If you have done something to fight back against the one who hurt you and didn’t expect it to go so far, then when you tell the one you deceived that it was only a one night stand instead of an affair. How do you fix that? Are you supposed to lay it all out on the table at once an leave no lies left unspoken? I feel that is what I must do and except the consequences but I have no other support then the man I had the affair with who also became a very close and understanding friend. But I’m so in love with the man who hurt me to begin with and don’t want to lose him. After a year and a half in a relationship built on lies and deception, but when it was good it was everything I ever wanted, happiness, love, compassion, selflessness. Do i tell him the whole truth, leaving nothing unsaid?
written by Mike!, 20 July, 2012
I’ve been nearly constantly lying and breaking promises to my wife of 13 years.
I’ve recently realized I have a self destructive need to confirm my deep belief that I am a $h1tbag loser and not deserving of happiness, love, etc.
My lying started because I wanted her to like me and need me. I wanted her to dispel my feelings of being crap. But of course untruths, shading the truth, hiding events, etc. all led to distrust.
Yeah, I’ve had some inappropriate relationships with workmates and instead of learning from them I just avoided workmates. Instead of being honest and open, I’ve become more closed and distant. No sex or even meetings, but attention that I was not giving my wife and it hurt her feelings (rightly so).
I’ve avoided any topic that led to painful discussions of feelings. Early on due to the fact that I had a mental block and was entirely unpracticed in being anything other than superficial (thanks Mom and Dad). Later, as I started to break through, because the talks were painful and I was ashamed, especially when my wife was trying to explain her pain (but she was a blamer which made it doubly tough).
And then on top of it all was the only real in the moment emotion I showed... anger.
Anger works at getting people to leave you alone, I know this for a fact! Unfortunately it also causes people you would really like to have next to you to leave too...
So, still leaving lots out, that is where I’m at. Promises aplenty, usually made to appease my wife, all broken and wasted. Most of them made and broken multiple times!
The d-word first was uttered three years ago, then retracted, but has resurfaced a year ago and is a nearly daily cloud over our heads.
All the suggestions for reestablishing trust are great and all, but I feel I need nuclear strength and feel completely at a loss.
The first two steps I’ve failed at miserably because I cannot get past my feelings of worthlessness, failure and shame to understand her feelings.

written by fearful and tearful, 04 August, 2012
My boyfriend and i have been dating around five months. I really liked him from the second i met him (over a year before we started dating), i was instantly strongly attracted to him. He had a girlfriend at the time that he had been dating for around two years, so i backed off, and left them to their relationship. I didn’t stop liking him though, and at the end of last year when he broke up with her, he told me he had strong feelings for me. So anyway, we waited a few months, just to get to know each other more and then in march this year, we called it official. I am so angry with myself, after waiting for so long to get him, i have screwed up in almost every way possible, but he still hasn’t split up with me. He has never done an absolute thing wrong, and i trust him with my life and all my heart, but im hanging on my a thread because i’ve done things like lying about things i didn’t need to, etc, just doing really big things that annoyed him. I wish i could have seen the damage i was causing, because last night he told me that he was considering breaking up with me. id do anything to rebuild trust and make up for everything i’ve done, but he doesn’t trust me to the point where he thinks i don’t love him, and that he wont believe my apologies, and my explanations of why i did these things. How can i prove to him that i really do love him as much as i say i do, and what can i do to make up for lying??
your help and opinion would be greatly appreciated... thanks
written by Betty Sdust, 08 August, 2012
This stuff was definitely written by a women and Im sure all the researchers quoted were women. What it fails to say is that you’ll live a shorter life if you live with a crazy partner who analyses every damn thing. If your partner cheats, give them the boot, simple as. If they are faithful and not arrogant gits, anything else can be worked out with a little compromise. If they refuse to compromise, give them the boot.
Otherwise get on with having fun in life, stop worrying about every little thing and stop reading this feminist nonsense.
written by inneedofhelp, 08 August, 2012
I looked at my boyfriend’s facebook on his phone when he forgot to log out. I looked through some messages from these two girls. It was borerline, if not, flirting. I sent him a screenshot and he told me how I didn’t trust him and "oh yeah thanks for looking through my messages" but he’d already given me his password for it for no reason things don’t seem the same between us and I don’t know how to get through to him. I love him so much and can’t stand him being angry at me. He says he loves me too and everything’s fine but he’s not the same; distant. What should I do???
written by inneedofhelp, 08 August, 2012
Fearful and tearful* thats exactly how i feel. I’m just so worried my boyfriend will break up with me. Stay strong and maybe the both of us will get through it all.
written by krissy g, 10 August, 2012
I recently gave birth to our second child and I found out my husband has been communicating with at least two women. I found out about 1 from our phone bill and the other from his emails. He was sending inappropriate messages and pictures to these women. He says its my fault and this is revenge for me not finding time for him. He doesn’t understand that I’m tired from working and taking care of 3kids. Now I’m confused and not sure if our marriage will work. Should I try t make it work because we have kids together? I’m just tired of being accused of cheating and being blamed for what he is doing.
written by had it with men, 18 August, 2012
i knew my boyfriend a year when i found out i was pregnant with our child. it was my first pregnancy that didn’t end in a miscarriage, tho i found out later the miscarriage was caused by an infection he gave me that he caught from some skank he dated before. the devastating thing was, about a month after i learned i was pregnant, i found out he had been cheating on me over the internet with his ex, some girl over seas, and a couple of girls he met on the dating sites. he had been telling them all kinds of lies and not mentioning he was with somebody he had been sleeping with for a good while. when i confronted him, he said it was all lies, but there was hard evidence proving he had done it all despite what he said, so that was a lie in it self. he says he has changed and that he is not that kind of person anymore, it was all his exes’s fault, but someone who is a grownup man should be able to tell when there doing something wrong, right? he doesn’t understand even now how bad he hurt me or how it will cause the baby to look at him when he is older because people on the internet talk and you cant keep kids off line.
the funny thing is that one of those people he was talking to emailed me and said that if he tried to take my baby from me in court like he threatened to do, to let her know and she would testify on my behalf, telling everyone what he did and what kind of person he is. i wonder if he should even be around my little child at all if that’s the kind of stuff he thinks is ok to do? all i know is i don’t trust him anymore and i don’t feel much of anything for him but disgust at turning out to be such a sleazy person. but now i feel so sad all the time and worthless because he acted like he was ashamed to be with me by not telling those other girls [if they were even girls at all, you know people lie on the internet, and one turned out to be a man posing as a girl] he was in a relationship. i love my little baby but feel numb toward him.
written by nowayout, 25 August, 2012
im with my girlfriend 5 months and she asked did i make a fake profile page on facebook which was use to spy on some one and wasn’t used to find girls if anyone thinks that, and i said no it wasn’t me and the next text was more clearer and understood what she was on about which was too late and stopped lying and came clean. i taught if i lied it wouldn’t be a big thing but i was wrong. i explained what happened to my sister and she just said never lie to a girl even if you think its the easier option just don’t best being honest. i am now in the process of trying to regain trust now. i was told what to do to change n grow up so i’m taking care of that now but she doesn’t want to see me till she’s calmed down. any advice i can be giving in her regaining my trust?
written by Devastated twice, 02 September, 2012
I don’t know what to do. I’m approaching my 1st anniversary with my husband, it’s my second marriage. I was previously married for 20 years to someone I thought was my soul mate, only to find out that he cheated on me basically from day one. We have two kids. I was blind & stupid & gullible the whole time, never had a clue. The divorce was my choice, once I found out. It nearly killed me. It took a long time for me to be able to get close to anyone at all & when I met my current husband, something just "clicked".

I know that no one is perfect. He had a bad marriage as well, his ex cheated on him, we had that pain in common. He is someone I can talk to about all the bad things in my past, my childhood, the abuse, the molestation, being raped; he has always understood & been here for me when things get overwhelming. Been so understanding in a way that my supposed "soul mate" never was.

And now I just found out that he’s been on craigslist putting up ads for casual encounters. He swears that he’s never went through with any of them, he just liked "talking" to the women who responded, or looking at their pictures that they sent. What? Our sex life isn’t horrible, at least I didn’t think so. Yes, there’s been a few times where we’ve went a couple of weeks without doing anything... But, between work, and illnesses and kids... Is two weeks that bad? I honestly believed that we have the rest of our lives together, what is two weeks in the whole of that?

I’m devastated, heartbroken & want to die. He says he’s sorry, but how do I believe that? How do I get back the trust? Where do I go from here?
written by Guiltyascharged, 03 September, 2012
I sent out an inappropriate photo to someone while being with my boyfriend of 3 years. It happened when a very close relative of mine passed away. I was mourning with alcohol and began to think that our relationship would never work out. He found out and confronted me at which time I confessed. We almost skilly up. Since then we have gotten married and have note been together 7 years total but he still finds it hard to trust me. I love him and feel so guilty. I tainted a relationship that would have other wise been great. How do I live with this feeling of guilt?
written by Kinz, 16 November, 2012
I had been in a relationship with a guy for 2 years and we both started receiving some anonymous harassing phone calls. All of this culminated in his life being threatened. The police never gave us any feedback on the matter but at the time we suspected it was my brother-in-law. Shortly thereafter I received a job offer for my business and it entailed having to find a carpenter (which is what my does) I had no intentions of asking him anything but he is the only carpenter I knew and when my boyfriend asked if I knew anybody who does that does that kind of thing I said my brother-in-law. He says that he feels like I stabbed him in the back to know that I would even think about asking him. Our relationship has never been the same and since I didn’t know how to deal with it, I never really addressed the issue. I love this man very much but now I’m not even sure he feels the same way. Should I still try to rectify this? Is it even fixable?
written by Cjp, 04 December, 2012
I have been married for 7 years with 2 children I adore. I recently met someone where nothing happened at that point but exchanged numbers we began texting each other harmless enough however the texts became sexual in nature, and my wife found them on my phone.
I know deep down that nothing more would have happened, but she understandably feels betrayed and I have hurt her very badly. I made a drastic mistake however this is hurting my wife and I immensely.

I want to show her that there was nothing physical and I love her and our family with all my heart and I did not think the consequences of my actions.

It was a moment of weakness on my behalf that I was getting attention from someone where my wife was busy. There are no excuses for my actions but would like some feedback on how I can re-build on the trust and worth working together to remain a family.
written by jahasmina, 24 December, 2012
If you don’t have children yet....GET OUT!!!
written by hairy situation, 28 December, 2012
my gf and i have been together for almost 2 yrs, she found out me and my x have been talking for the first 6 months of our relationship. (my x lives on the other side of the country and i have broken up with her for almost 3,4 yrs already). i honestly did not know how often i talked to her bc it was meaningless to me, she was out of my life and i was not looking for a relationship with my x bc i was already head over heels with my gf. when my current gf pulled out the phone statements, i was shocked and disgusted to see how much i was talking to my x. the reason my gf was mad is bc she asked me how often i talked to her and i said not too often, but it turns out it was almost on a daily basis... i love my gf and i have never cheated on her emotionally nor physically. i apologized but she says she cant trust me bc i lied for so long (6 months) while all i was trying to do is disconnect completely from my x. we had great amazing plans but this definitely put a hindrance on them. i dont know how to get her to forgive me, or trust me again.. i know she is the one i want to be with forever and i am willing to do anything. i cut my x out completely when she found out. im not saying it was right, i was completely in the wrong.. but she is the type of person who does not forgive. im scared i will lose her because of this.. i made a mistake and its costing me big time... what can i do. its been 8 months since its happened and she still having trouble trusting me.

any advise?
written by #2Son, 29 December, 2012
CJP....I am in the same situation as you are in so I feel everything your saying. It will be a hard road to travel but if she is willing to take the ride it will be worth it. I’m sick to my stomach everyday knowing that I caused my wife this kind of pain. And if I’m feeling like this her pain can only be worse. So for me, I’m going to stand my ground as a husband and do what’s necessary to make things better. As long as she allows me to help heal the wounds that I inflicted, I will diligently continue to try and save my marriage.
This website has a lot of helpful ways of rebuilding relationships and marriages so take the info and use it to the best of your ability. But a house divided will not stand and if God isn’t in the center of your marriage, your relationship, your life, then it just a matter of time before that house falls to the ground. Failure is not an option for me so I’m in this for the long haul. I suggest you do the same if you love your wife as I do mine’s.
written by Broken trust, 12 January, 2013
I have been with my boyfriend over 1.5 years. I have been practically living with him the last 6 months. In the summer I found out he was talking to his ex. I asked if they were texting/talking about appropriate topics. He said yes they are just friends. There is nothing to worry about. Then she posted a picture of them both on his Facebook page. That upset me because it said let’s have a Rochester reunion. I told him it upset me and she is very disrespectful to our relationship. He said that is just the type person she is... Now that I look back on it he’s the one not being respectful of my feelings. We had several other times where I said his friendship with his ex is inappropriate and I don’t approve. He obviously didn’t care about my feelings. I finally received the last red flag when she texted him at 8 am happy birthday. She said happy birthday before I did and I live with the guy. I told him Erin texted him. He was leaving to a week long sales meeting, so he said whatever he needed to calm me down. I told him he is crazy if he thinks she’s not still in love with him. I believe it’s been 3 years since they have been broken up.

So I made a decision a few days later to check his old phone...he upgraded end of October. I knew I would find her saying I miss u I want to make out with you but I was shocked he reciprocated the feelings. I went psycho and called him at 1:30am. He said I violated his privacy. I don’t understand why he was doing this. I’m do hurt I can’t stop crying.

Needless to say moved all my stuff out and we talked a couple times he’s very apologetic and isn’t going to communicate with her ever again... I don’t know if I believe that, I asked him why he would do that.., he can reminisce about memories with me share his thoughts with me. I just don’t understand everything was perfect. I wanted to be his companion his confidant. How can you love someone when your hat boring feelings for another. I can’t do that. I unconditionally love him. I don’t know if I should lay myself out there again...I’m sad and hurt
written by RebuildingMyLife, 12 January, 2013

It was never about not loving my wife, or even about sex, really. It was really low self-esteem, mostly. You don’t need to tell me I suck, I’m already well aware of it.

I’m in therapy now, and things are getting better slowly. To anyone that has been on either side of this situation (ESPECIALLY if you are the one that did wrong!) I think it is VERY important to get into therapy ASAP.

I wish I’d started therapy years ago. I might have avoided doing a lot of stupid things that may take decades to repair (if they can be repaired at all.)

written by Amy T., 12 February, 2013
My boyfriend and I have only been dating for six months. We met right as I was going through a rough patch with my ex-boyfriend of three years who I had been trying to break up with for a long time. After I broke up with my ex we jumped into a relationship right away since I was going off to school and we wanted to make sure we knew the boundaries. Seeing my ex again (since he goes to my school) was a lot harder than I thought and he was still telling me all of his emotional issues he was dealing through because I broke up with him. I had started seeing a counselor and making a conscious effort to keep my distance but one night he wanted to talk because things were really rough. I went over there late thinking I was strong enough and found myself in a situation where I felt powerless to escape. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about it for 3 months out of fear of losing him and still coming to terms with it myself. I told him 3 weeks ago and he said he wants to make it work but he just doesn’t know how and we both just feel really stuck. I ended all contact with my ex since that night and have been trying to show him I care but everything just ends up in a fight.

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