Relationship Issues Secrets

I’m keeping a secret from my loved one.

My attachment style has caused me to betray my husband

Monday, 10 September 2018

Throughout our marriage, I have put many things between my husband and I... many things before my husband. Sometimes those things were other men. I have never slept with anyone else or even come close, but on several occasions things went too far. Cybersex (twice) when we were engaged, an emotional affair (with a total of 3 kisses) when we’d been married 6 years, and a physical affair of 8 or 9 meetings (involved kissing and OM touched my breasts) when we’d been married 8 years. It’s a decade later and my husband doesn’t know. Nothing of the sort has happened since. I have been able to keep myself busy enough to repress the fact that I’ve deceived him. But recent changes have unearthed the whole pile of guilt. I am now in therapy for what my therapist has called "counter-dependent, avoidant attachment" issues. I am working on these. I love my husband, I always have. I’ve just been so afraid to get close. Now as I work through my issues I want to be close, but I am stuck. I am terrified of saying anything, knowing how it would destroy him and almost certainly kill the relationship I want to keep. And I wonder if it’s even worth it after all this time when I’m addressing the underlying issues. But I am wracked with guilt for not having been the woman he believes me to be. Is it enough that I am becoming that woman, or does the past kill the possibility of a future? I go back and forth. I have contemplated suicide, but deep down I feel that would be just one more selfish decision in a history of selfish decisions. I don’t know what to do.

Fuzzy childhood memories

Sunday, 1 July 2018

I don’t remember much from my childhood. It was a terrible time though. My adoptive dad was an alcoholic, a really mean and scary one. I remember one time when I was around 5 years old, I was trying to get his attention and talk to him and I had been in the room for hours with him sleeping or playing by myself. Then I saw that he was looking at a bunch of naked people on the computer, I came up behind him and he didn’t say anything but he knew I was there. I stared a little longer at the people on the computer because I was confused. I didn’t understand what it was, I actually thought it was some sort of art or something. (We had artsy pictures hanging up all over our walls) I felt a little uneasy but that’s all the memory I have of that certain circumstance. I also used to pee my bed a lot as child until I was 12, I have a lot of missing pieces of time from my childhood from ages 4-11. He eventually re-married and I thought I had a new normal family. It wasn’t. There was a girl and her mother who came to live with us, the girl often used stuffed animals or a blanket to masturbate, we were around age 6. I had never heard of anything like this before and she said it brought her comfort. Her mom just let her do it and didn’t think anything of it. I don’t know why but she tried to show me and get me to do it. She did it in the same room as me a lot of times. I don’t know why I have these specific memories but I do, I also have some other ones but as soon as I try to think of more than one memory my mind gets all fuzzy and I start to forget everything.

Anxiety over losing him

Sunday, 1 July 2018

Not exactly a secret I guess, but something I want to get off my chest. I think I’ve found the love of my life, and someone who I can see myself marrying someday. I can’t tell if this is foolish thinking or I’m being naive. I guess my "secret" is that I’m terribly afraid of ever losing him, or messing things up and not being able to repair them... I know that I would lose my best friend and the love of my life, and I don’t believe I’d ever feel close to the same way about someone else as I feel about him. I think this is it for me, and he’s it for me. It’s scary to have this much pressure I guess, on not wanting to lose my potential soulmate for the rest of my life. I never want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship, but this overthinking is stressing me out because he means the world to me and it’s scary to not know what the future holds.

Treated me poorly for a decade

Tuesday, 1 May 2018

The man I have lived with for 10 years (except for four months last year) has never let his phone out of his sight. He never answers when I call. The only time he did was when he wanted me to look bad at work. To this day he has never responded to a single email I have sent him. He has never made me feel as if he thinks of me in his future. He has never made me feel like a part of his life really. He talks about me like I am a distant acquaintance. Just a roommate and hardly a friend. During the four months I was gone I was with someone who included me in everything he did and his whole family treated me as one of the group. This is something that I greatly need as I have not had a family of my own to speak of ever!!!! I just don’t feel like he even wants me around at this point. In fact, I think this is all a joke. Being in a relationship I should feel wanted, right? I shouldn’t be made to feel like crap.

Felt guilty about talking to other guys

Thursday, 5 April 2018

I went over to a friend’s house to vent, and had lunch with another for the same reason, while my boyfriend and I were broken up. The guilt was eating away at me even though I didn’t cheat on him and these guys were my friends only, simply for the fact he knows I spoke with them, but not that I was actually with them...

Then I started reading how everyone actually cheated on their partner and figured this secret is stupid and I can keep it to myself, especially because I was a different person back then. Hanging out with friends in a time of need. I grew out of needing someone else to tell me everything was going to be alright.

Gonna leave the past in the past and make my boyfriend happy while we’re alive :)

I fall alone

Monday, 4 December 2017

The lines between love and crushing on people has become so blurred for me. Every time I figure out the feelings aren’t reciprocated; my heart breaks a little time even if it wasn’t serious. Now that I am saying this, I am slowly falling for a young man in my accounting course and I’m scared.

Slept with a mutual friend

Tuesday, 3 October 2017

When my boyfriend and I were broken up I slept with a mutual friend. We both felt guilty and decided to end it. This friend and I no longer communicate. Recently, my ex and I started to date again. The friend is still a part of my ex’s life, though he lives in another state. I told my ex that I had dated and had feelings for other men and that I’d been physical with someone. My ex said he can’t blame me, that he wishes he didn’t know, and doesn’t want to know more. Do I need to tell my ex or is this something I can keep to myself?

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