Made a Mistake Secrets

I’ve done something I shouldn’t have.

Had sex with my ex-girlfriend

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

i had sex with my ex girlfriend two weeks ago and it was amazing.

Dealing with the fallout from a night on drugs

Sunday, 23 October 2011

I did a horrible thing and I am deeply ashamed of it.

I just want to say first of all that I never set out to do this, it was a ‘one thing leads to another’ situation. I’m not trying to make excuses... what I have done was still wrong and it haunts me but it was not premeditated. It was part of a crazy situation that got out of control one year ago.

So, here is what happened:

I went to a friend’s birthday a year ago. She—unlike me—is quite into drugs and she happened to have one pill in her bedroom. I won’t say what but it is a drug which is highly disinhibiting and makes it impossible to stop talking as well as (for me) making me feel very sexually charged.

Anyway, she suggested I try it. She wasn’t trying to be a bad friend, she just enjoys the experimenting I guess and thought I might. I’m usually quite cautious but, having not been out for a while I had the urge to have a fun and crazy night and see what was so good about this. Before I’d even thought it through I had taken the pill just to be ‘blase’ in front of her.

What followed was the most bizarre night of my life and is something I still feel terrible about. In the course of the night:—when it first kicked in I thought I was dying. Everything felt unreal and faraway and I had cracks in my vision like crazy paving. I was very frightened.—the next stage, which lasted several hours was basically me being as high as a kite.

I gabbled ON and ON, speaking very fast. I was sexually inappropriate with some guys in the group I did not know well and ended up having sex with one (I am not usually promiscuous). I insulted one of my best friends in front of the group saying that ‘she always wore low-cut tops because she didn’t believe her face was pretty enough’. I’m HORRIFIED that I could have said something like that, in my defense it was impossible to restrain myself at the time; unsurprisingly our friendship has cooled somewhat since. Worst of all, I started sharing some of my weirdest thoughts and I must admit, I have a slightly warped and complicated mind. I told everyone very dark stuff about my family history, made up that I had been raped at one point, and quite a few other details some of which were true, some exaggerated, but basically I made myself sound like a completely messed up victim OR a huge liar. Obviously this was under the influence but I don’t like what that says about me at all.

I still feel so humiliated and regretful about this one night; for about a week afterwards I genuinely wanted to kill myself, I felt as if there was no coming back from this ultimate in social ****-ups, having always been shy and found it difficult to fit into a friendship group, I was hoping to have put that behind me but instead I made myself ‘that girl’. I pictured people I used to know talking about my behavior that night and thinking how pathetic I was.

I suppose with time I am getting over it more. Things naturally fade into the background and I try to be optimistic about finding new friends and making my way in life, etc. Deep down though I am really traumatized.

But that is is part 1 of the story, part 2 is where it gets yet more complicated (THANK YOU if you have even read this far!!).

At the time, there was a guy I really liked at work and he was very easy to talk to. The kind of person who doesn’t say very much but just listens without judgement and who you feel would keep your secrets. I was suffering a deep depression over what I had done and I ended up telling him about that night. I tried to get across how bad it had been by referring to the way I told people EVERYTHING about myself. To stress my point I said that I talked about ‘tabboo’ things. After this point we talked in code almost because I was embarrassed, but at the same time wanted to share it. I wanted him to somehow make me feel better about what had happened. What I essentially ended up telling him....

Was that my father had sexually abused me.

It came out bit by bit, but that was what I told him.

There are two problems with this: 1) it’s not true. So, I have told a truly evil lie about someone who is close to me. In my defense my dad had behaved very badly when I was a teenager—he had an anger problem and could be very scary and verbally abusive. He called me a tart and other things when he found that at seventeen I had lost my virginity. He was also sexually... insensitive, I guess. The most I could say is that he wasn’t as respectful of my privacy as he could have been, barging into my room a few times in a way that felt invasive and uncomfortable. He once asked to see some bras that I had bought and had in a bag and said they were nice, and while driving me to school he used to squeeze my thigh while I was wearing my skirt and tights. But that was the extent of it and looking back I can’t call that sexual abuse, more a lack of boundaries and awareness. I made out that it was a lot worse than that and I feel truly sorry, especially as my dad’s behavior is so much better now.

2) this guy is now my boyfriend. It’s serious and I am very much in love with him but i can NEVER, NEVER tell him that I lied. The relationship would be over and I couldn’t bear that, not to mention that I wouldn’t have the strength to tell him. So now I just have to hope that my boyfriend keeps his promise to never tell a soul and just gets along with my family in a ‘surface’ way without making a big deal about what I have told him. We’re thinking of moving in together, thinking of having children one day, but I live with the shadow of fear over all those hopes. What if having kids opened a can of worms with him refusing to let my dad have a relationship with them, leading to an exposure of what I told him? What if one day he gets drunk and says more than he should? What if he decides that, despite his promise, he has a duty to say something? What if he goes behind my back? At that point, my life would basically be over—he would hate me and so would my family. I don’t want to lose this man but I am so guilty and afraid.

Why did I do it? i don’t know. I never meant to tell that lie but once it came out of my mouth it took on a life of its own.

I’m so very sorry....

Drunken kiss resulted in guilt

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

I have been in a long term relationship with a man I love and who adores me. I was at a party, drank too much, and allowed another guy to kiss me. It lasted seconds and I stopped it and left. I feel overwhelmed with guilt and I’m sick about it. It is not an option to tell him because I know he will leave me. This was the most selfish thing I’ve ever done and I can’t forgive myself. I’m so scared.

Playing with fire

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

I love my boyfriend very much.... but have a sorted past with another. Went out for drinks last night with the old flame, knowing full well I couldn’t resist him. I am lonely, my love has been hundreds of miles away for a job and will not return for months. I did not have sex with my old lover, not even a kiss. But we did hug, snuggle, talk.... dirty at times, alone in his hotel room. Very hard to refuse him, but I’m repulsed at how far it went and the fact that I wanted him so badly. I’ve been completely honest with my partner, but this little incident will go in the vault. Also, I will not allow myself in a situation with this old flame again. The fire is too hot and somebody always gets burned.

Drunken encounter

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

I don’t want to lose respect from anyone, and I’m very embarrassed that I was drunk and made out with another man. Although I stopped him from going any further, being drunk is no excuse. Its worse that I know him and he is in a relationship, as am I. I feel very guilty for what I’ve done. Mostly because it would hurt others deeply if they knew.

Lost my job and lied about it

Saturday, 26 February 2011

I didn’t show up for work 3 weeks ago, and have lost my job, but still tell my parents and boyfriend that I am working! I feel so ashamed of myself, but more than that, it is really starting to depress me. My family knows something is wrong, but still I say, "Oops, gotta go to work today, see ya later!" And I go work out at the club, (exercise) or drive around like a moron. Really, I am not sure what is worse, my confession and how it will affect me by tearing down the walls of deceit I’ve built around myself, leaving me exposed and vulnerable, or the judgment I’ll get from others. My fear is that everyone will think what I did was dumb, (it was) and judge me on it, putting me down and making me feel worse. Well, I hate this, and I am going to fess up today! (God willing) It does feel so much better, all around to be honest. Cause right now I feel like a pile of crap and with such a negative self-image as what I already have, it is myself that is making it worse! On the bright side, when I do tell the truth, there is the open door to something new, and different. I am keeping myself stuck in this rut, in a cycle of do nothing/go nowhere, because all my doors are shut, locked, hidden away. Wow, I do feel better, thanks Website-now please let me submit this without the rigamarole of having to type codes, my email, register, blah blah.

My girlfriend does not know about DUI

Tuesday, 08 February 2011

My new girlfriend does not know that I got arrested for DUI 2 years ago. I am supposed to have a breathalyzer on my car right now but I do not. If I get pulled over, I will lose my license for another year.

Hid an abortion from my husband

Tuesday, 01 February 2011

I had an abortion and my husband and my family don’t know it. I told him it happened it self and I lost the baby. I am so afraid in the future I will pay the price.

Did not marry for love

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

I have been married for five years together for seven years. Since we got married I have had doubts that I married the right man. I felt that I married him in order to give my daughter who was 3 years old a better life. I was 21 and living at home with my parents. I wanted the american dream (house, husband, security). After I got it I wasn’t happy. I thought after the first year of marriage it would get better. Our second year married we had a baby girl. She is now almost 4 years old. Still not happy. Until a few months ago. An old friend I knew since I was 12 years old came back into my life. We have became more than friends now. We talk all the time. We meet up whenever possible. We both feel like we are meant to be together. However, he lives 9 hours away. It’s hard enough to think about putting my two kids through a divorce, but take them 9 hours away from family and friends is not an option. He can’t move because of his job. So I feel stuck. I also feel selfish and guilty for sneaking around on my husband. I have told my husband so many time over the few years we’ve been married that I’m not in love with him anymore, but he doesn’t accept it. He says he’s happy and doesn’t want anything to change. What is wrong with me?

Relationship problems left me vulnerable

Friday, 10 December 2010

I’ve been in love with my husband for years and it started to unravel as his cute funny stories became horrific pathological lies.S tealing finances, my vehicle seized bank accounts hidden, money missing paychecks not payed. I tried to help him out but it got better then worse again. During all this my dad had lung cancer and I was taking him to chemo. He didn’t care. My kids would side with him because I started to get stressed and overemotional. I was also in a car accident.. anyhow the relationship ended when he took off for good. Replaced our life with a new boat, truck, and girlfriend posted on facebook, within moments long store short. As I clean up the mess, repair homes deal with lawyers for parting. My secret came in after as the stress of crying and post trauma led down a dazed path where after being alone for so long. My best cousin took me dancing his wife not home. I was so drunk I went to the motel where he stayed and we did it. Sex with my cousin.... ahhh I’m devastated. He took advantage that I was mentally shocked and grieving we got drunk and I was so lonely and didn’t care who he was. But eww and oh my god if and when my family finds out it will ruin lives. My god I was lonely and bored after 17 months of hell. Now I have the guilt and it is awful.

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