Lie a Lot Secrets

I find myself lying a lot.

I am always telling lies

Thursday, 25 September 2008

I have started lying to my new friends. I have a bit of a lying problem. I lie to make myself look better or to gain sympathy. Things like that. Anyway, I have recently made quite a few new friends through a new job and I have started to lie to them. Some think I am a total badass while others think I am sweet shy really nice person. Recently, I have told a big lie to one of them. A guy that I sorta like—I told him that I had been abused by an ex-boyfriend which is a total lie. I’m just starting to feel really frustrated with myself because I’ve told different lies to everybody and its all going to backfire sooner or later because I can hardly remember who I am suppose to be when I see someone. And if I see two people at once, and the lies I have told them conflict with one another, then I am totally screwed. I really need to stop this!!!

Hiding my past life of lies from my boyfriend

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

I never told my boyfriend (of one year) a lot of the awful things I’ve done in my past. I am such a different person now, but I used to lie all the time. He doesn’t know that. He doesn’t know that lying was like second nature to me.

He also doesn’t know that I used to hurt myself.

It’s just that these things seem like they came from some other person. I’ve distanced myself so much from it.

I just don’t know if it’s wrong of me not to tell him about my past or keep it to myself. I feel so guilty for the things I’ve done. And I just wonder if maybe it would be better to start over with someone that knew everything about me and who I used to be. But I just love him so much. I just wish I had been straightforward with him from the beginning.

Lying has ruined my life

Monday, 17 March 2008

My whole life has been based on lies—building a facade of someone who appears normal on the outside when there was a totally different person on the inside. I was constantly lonely, fearful, experiencing post traumatic stress and had anxiety and abandonment issues from an early age. I turned to pornography and masturbation as a way to self medicate—that was the inside. On the outside I became very social, fun, outgoing, well-traveled and what some would deem successful. It came that several serious relationships ended because of my inability to be truthful in the relationships and truthful with myself. A clear pattern was emerging and I feel if I have any hope of breaking this pattern I have to become truthful about my addiction to sex and love. I’ve found a twelve step program for sex and love addicted people like myself where I can be truthful and real about what’s going on. I hope that becoming truthful and honest in this arena will carry out into all other areas of my life. I do feel there is hope. The lying is the symptom of a larger issue which I feel is fear. Once those issues of fear go away there should be no reason to lie—correct? I want to lose the fear so that I can get on and start living the life I was meant to live.

I have built a life of lies

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

I’ve been lying so long sometimes I confuse my actual history with the lies I’ve told. I wonder if some of my memories are simply vivid fictions that I’ve told so often they’ve fooled my mind into believing their veracity. My grandest lie centers around my falsifying my age. Once you tell this lie, it’s hard to controvert it later. I feel like I can’t have any meaningful relationships with significant others or even friends because I can’t truly be myself, if there is such a thing after all these years of artifice. I fear that I’ve buried whatever chance I had of finding contentment in being myself too far into the proverbial ground; so that even if I revealed my deceptions I still wouldn’t be able to find happiness and/or my true self. I’m too afraid to tell my friends my true identity. Will I ever have the courage to be myself? How do I move on in life without coming clean? I don’t think I can.

I hide what I do online from my girlfriend

Wednesday, 28 November 2007

My secret—I spend a lot of time each day on XXX sites without my girlfriend knowing. I can’t stop and I can’t tell her. She can NEVER find out or our relationship will be over.

I lie so she will believe me

Monday, 02 April 2007

Sometimes I lie just because if the true answer is too simple, such as "I missed your phone call because I was sleeping in late." she wouldn’t believe it so it’s better to say, "I missed your phone call because my cat ran out the front door and I had to look for it for an hour."

The sad part is that then I’ll "follow up" my lie by, for example, just metnioning "Oh I’m SO glad the cat wasn’t lost" later in the day if we see another random cat. Or two days later call and be like, "I just got this wierd feeling. Can you see that the front door is closed all the way? I just got this wierd feeling about the cat."

See, otherwise she’d think I was lying. I mean the truth was that I was sleeping in late but that’s too easy, she’d think I was sleeping with someone else. So I have to make up the stuff about the cat. This is really pathetic.

I hate my lying

Sunday, 11 March 2007

I’m a compulsive liar. I can admit this now... After losing the most amazing person in my life, I’m ready to change. But I don’t know how. My lying has got to the point that I don’t even trust myself... I don’t believe anything I say or think. I need help and I realize this. My secret is: I’m feed up with myself.

Want to stop lying

Wednesday, 26 April 2006

I’ve lied about so much stuff and its gotten to the point where I’m sick of it. I’ve been reading about lying for about 40 minutes now and I want to stop immediately. But, I don’t knoow how to do it. I don’t know how to tell my friends and boyfriend the truth. It’s so hard because I’ve been living a lie—like I have this super rich dad who lives in Florida and I hate it. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to get it all out. I’m going to start today! I’m going do to whatever I need to do to stop lying for ONCE AND FOR ALL!

Want my freedom

Thursday, 20 October 2005

I am single, female, successful. I usually have three to four different men at the same time. With each one I have a different life. I spend time with them, they think we have an exclusive relationship. I have clothes in their closets and dressors. Often I have a car in their garage. I have four phone numbers for work and a cell phone, they each get a different number. I travel with my work and when I land in that city to work for a few weeks they meet their "girlfriend" at the airport. They all tell me "I love you" and "I wish you would quit your job to stay at home more". I have seven diamond engagement rings in a bank vault. I have met their families, spent holidays, gone shopping with their sisters etc.

I just can’t make a committment and I enjoy them all. When I am with one, I am absorbed in our life together.

(Please, I am aware of HIV and STD’s and practice safe sex. I and they have blood tests every three months. They know if they don’t have the lab slips, and I have my work up that nothing is going to happen. I may even be frustrated and angry with them.

When they start making decisions like "quit your job, sell your home, marry me, stay with me forever" I tell them a few weeks later that I am being transferred to Europe. As soon as they say "forever" I feel trapped and run. When they start to change my life without asking me "quit, sell, marry" and don’t consult me, I take off to someone else who is in the beginning stage of the relationship.

They never know or think that I can see anyone but them.

I wish I could be honest with them all and stop with the secrets. I did tell one and he said he understood, that one day I would know that he was the one man who could capture my heart and he would wait for that day. He doesn’t date anyone when I leave, I told him to date and have a wonderful time while I was gone. He did for awhile, but as soon as my plane landed he slammed the door on her.

This is my secret: I am not "quitting,selling, relocating, marrying". I just wish that I could have a comfortable place with them all. I have to lie and lie and lie "where was the md conference" uhhh "did you get that new surgical tool" uuuuuhhhh "hey that’s a pretty expensive necklace you treated yourself to". I slip "did Hillary do well on her test", "you mean Shelby, you must be stressed to get her name wrong" uuuhhh okay. The Secret is: I am comfortable with my Secrets.

Will not be controlled

Thursday, 20 October 2005

I am the same way, but the male version. It is easy and fun for me to fall in love, until I feel like I’m being controlled or pressured into things I do not want to do. I have come to accept that my role in life is to remind others that when they put control before love they end up with nothing but a broken heart.

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