Abuse Secrets

I’ve abused someone or been abused.

My father had sex with me while camping

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

My father took my virginity when I was just 11 years old. I have never told a soul, and apart from him, nobody knew a thing. It happened while camping in a tent where it was just me and my father in the tent. We shared a sleeping bag to stay warm and one thing led to another. Nothing further happened after that incident, and I believe to this day my father regrets what he did. I do blame him for not being more careful and allowing something so terrible to happen, but I still have a good relationship with him today. It does bother me at times, and wonder what life would be like if that night never happened.

I wish I had an innocent and lovely childhood

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

I was sexually abused by my uncle (my dad’s younger brother).My earliest memory goes back to when i was about 6-7yrs old. My parents used to be out of town a lot, so they left us in care of my unmarried uncle, when my 2 kid brother would go to sleep, he would ask me to lie with him on the couch so we could watch late night matinees. Then he would start nibbling my ears, neck and fondling my unripe boobs. I always seemed to enjoy it cos it made me feel grown up and besides the ladies in the movies we watched did the same. After every encounter, I would feel very guilty and dirty, and when I got to school, I would feel everyone knew what I had been up to. This continued till I was about 10, and in high school. he left our home and i was relived and became aggressive and cold towards him, thereafter. At 12, we had a house guest whom i fancied and due to my heightened sexual consciousness, i found my self flirting with this guy who was about 7 yrs older than i was. One night i crept to his room like i was in in trance, and started caressing his penis as he got aroused, i was fascinated cos i had never really touched one before (as i always closed my eyes when my uncle used to abuse me). Well the dude got aroused and raped me, even though i tried running out of the room. Till this day i don’t know what possessed me. I lost my virginity that night right under my parent’s nose. I didn’t even know the effect of what happened i just thought my period started early. All through my college years, i didn’t like guys, i felt they were all out to abuse me. I felt i was dirty and sluty and didn’t deserve to be treated like a descent lady. I met my husband in my final year and for the first time making love was not painful, and he treated me like a princess. Each day i wonder whether or not to tell my parents what really happened between my uncle and i, but i guess sleeping dogs should lie. He can’t look me in the eye, in fact, at family gatherings, he can’t bear to be in the same room with me. I guess its his conscience pricking him. I wish i had an innocent and lovely childhood.

Raped as a child

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Ever since I was very young (maybe around 3) I always knew what sex was. I had a best friend (a boy) who we always did things together. We even stayed the night at each others houses. I remember we were on the bus. (we were in kindergarten) we showed each other our private parts. He showed me his first. He begged me to show him mine. I really didn’t want to.. his bus stop was ahead, so I quickly pulled up my skirt showed him mine and he touched me. The bus driver saw. (I was the very last stop) The bus driver leered at me.. I just looked out the window. But I could still feel his eyes on me. My stop came. He grabbed my shoulder. I turned to look at him. He was smiling. Then he put his hand in his pants and he started masturbating and rubbing my arm. I didn’t know what was going on. I wanted to leave.. but I couldn’t. I was so interested in what he was doing to me, but scared. He kept moaning, and groaning things like "ohhhhh yeah" "Yes yes yes". He went to one of the seats and he made me go with him. He sat up on a seat. and unzipped and pulled down his pants. I was so scared and confused. he pulled me up and made me sit on his lap. he pulled my panty to the side and put is penis inside me. It hurt so much. I started crying. I remember him going up and down. Thrusting. I just took it... He had an orgasm.. I remember putting my hands on his chest pushing away from it. All I said was "no". He shook me and told me ‘I was dirty. That’s what I was good for.’ He called me a little whore. He kept going. Saying it was what I deserved. He picked me up held me against the seat and (standing up) rammed it into me. Then I started having an orgasm.. I’ve never felt this before. And I was breathing very heavily and whimpering. he finally slowed down and stopped. (This all lasted 15 minutes). I lived very far away from all houses and from anything. My parents never were home until later they always left a key under the mat on the backdoor and made me call them as soon as i got inside );

In an abusive relationship

Monday, 28 March 2011

I have met my boyfriend since 8 months now, when we started I wasn’t taking seriously but as soon as I got to know him I fell in love with him and I told him that, he then asked me to tell him about my past and I told him everything, and it really sucks. I was a horrible person who chat with many guys and all I think about is sex and meeting guys on trips to have sex and drink, cheating, hooking up with any person even if married just to enjoy my self because I was married to a cheater who abused me emotionally and took my money. My boyfriend is still with me and since ever I met him I have not thought to be with any other man or even cheat on him> I love him deeply and I never thought I would know what love is, but my old bitchy self takes over me sometimes, am a drama queen, manipulative person in the past and this has caused our relation to become in a very rocky state from the first month, but one thing I know that ever I met him I have not thought of any person> I hated myself for being with another man before I met him because I felt how much he deserve me to be only for him, but the problem is that he now accuse me all the time of having relations or hunting guys from what he knows about my past, he now physically hit me and leave marks on my body, spit on me, treats me like dirt, sometimes good for 1 or 2 days then back to his old self of treating me worse than a door mat, he check my cellphone, my facebook, think I have many emails and chatting to guys or hunt them. Now I’m not allowed to go out of my house anywhere, if I go he will think automatically that I’m flirting or doing things with other men, and then he will come and beat the hell out of me, and its all in his mind, I can’t even order anything from grocery because he think I’m trying to sleep with the delivery guy!!! I love him so much but all the beating has caused me to ask him to leave me several times. I feel so much stress in my head as if Its going to explode, he said he cannot love someone like me and I don’t deserve his love and he will never risk his future with someone like me, but he is with me to correct me... to be honest! I feel destroyed... I don’t want him to leave me, but I can’t live with the beating and emotional abuse, as he call me names every day whenever he dislike something I do, this goes if I reach 5 minutes late to my house, he will think I went to meet someone or hunt. I can’t leave my office anywhere because he will call on my office number to check if I’m sitting in my seat or in someone else’s office doing something!!! He even thought I try to hunt my neighbors in the building front of me.. I thought of committing suicide so many times, because I’m unhappy with the way he treat me and because I love him so much and I don’t want to leave him. He is an amazing person if you take the jealousy and accusation away... I wished to be his wife and have his kids but he doesn’t want it, so now I’m left to also think he has other relations and I became like him so suspicious. I admit I had a nasty horrible past. But that is the past and he doesn’t want to believe it.

Molested by my babysitter

Wednesday, 09 March 2011

I was molested by my babysitter (father’s best friend) while he was out of town working. I was only 8 at the time so Ive repressed most of my childhood. I’m not here to whine about it—I’m just letting it go. Kinda *ucked up this is an everyday occurrence.

Sexually abused by my parents

Tuesday, 09 November 2010

When I was thirteen my parents got me to do sexual things with them. My mom and her boyfriend would get high and drink with me and then would coax me into undressing with them and taking pictures and doing things on cam for people over the internet.i would have to lay on the bed and watch as my mom gave him oral sex and hand jobs. He would instruct my mom to get close to me and touch me as he watched and masturbated. he did not touch me but he would instruct me and my mom to do things as he watched. He would often watch child porn and for some reason my mom thought this was all ok. He would say that a family that played together stayed together. We moved away from my friends and other family to a city where me and my mom knew no one. He singled me out and became obsessive with me. He would constantly try touching me and being close to me. He got a job where he would be traveling a lot and made me go on these trips with him. We would stay in hotels etc. there were times when I would black out (I didn’t drink) and wouldn’t remember entire days etc. I don’t know if I was being drugged or just my way of blocking memories. My mom was unhappy because he had stopped wanting her and stopped having sex with her and it made her so angry that she decided to leave him. She talked about leaving before and had made comments that she would leave me with him. The thought that he would be left with him made him happy and he even arranged things for her to leave. I didn’t want to be with him, I didn’t want to be with her. I had no one. Anyway she seen how happy this made him and decided that she would take me with her I suppose, at least its how I seen it. He got really angry but we did get away. We moved back to our city and were surrounded by family. They constantly asked what had happened and the things that went on with him and such but I told no one. Me and my mom are best friends now, I don’t know how that happened but when we returned she became the mom I had wanted her to be. At times she gets overwhelmed with guilt and gets drunk and confronts me about what happened but I refuse to talk to her. She assumes that my pain was when he was touching me, in reality it was the combination of both of them. She tells me she felt bad she didn’t stop it, my struggle is with the fact that she let him. It feels good to get this off my shoulders. Its been about 7 year since then. I stopped having nightmares about 2 years ago. I can feel the pain still, I want to cry about it and get angry, but for some reason I have never really done so.... I just remember its in the past and I forget everything or at least try.

Had sex when I should not have

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

One of my best friends lives with a foster family, and I’m close friends with her family... so close that her foster dad is attracted to me. He’s engaged and getting married in 3 days.... while away from the family he made a move on me sexually. I didn’t want to, but I did at the same time. I wouldn’t let him do anything for the first few days, and I felt so guilty because my boyfriend is away at work. But after numerous of days of him ‘ working me down ‘ I told him I felt forced into it, and he said ok and apologized and told me not to tell... but some how even after that he managed to convince me to have sex with him, and I went all the way...

Was in a violent abusive relationship

Sunday, 27 June 2010

I was 15 when I started dating my boyfriend and he was 21. He was okay in the beginning, we loved each other so much and after a couple of months he started to get really jealous for small things and it started getting worse each time. He eventually hit me and started being very violent towards me... this lasted for 4 years. When I turned 19 I almost got killed by him for renting a car.. he was actually looking for his gun which his dad had hidden in a different place.. I found myself shaking and saying to myself.. "wow I’m 19 and I shake like this every single day". I left him right after that.. but I actually left the country and didn’t go back for 2 years because he would try to kill me if i went back.. he would say things like "you can’t live in the same country as me, I can’t see you and know you’re not mine because I’ll go crazy and do something to you so don’t ever come back". I stayed in a different country for 2 years and when I came back he started beating me wherever he would see me in public places.. the police wouldn’t do anything about it in my country so I had to put up with it.. I kept going out even though i knew what would happen if i saw him at a bar or at a club, but I didn’t want him to know that I was afraid of him.. and eventually it stopped.. but it started again when he found out that I started dating someone he would always get into fights with him and eventually I had to break up with him too. Now I have a boyfriend for almost a year and everything is going good so far. I’ve put up with so much in my life, and it has made me so much stronger, I really feel sorry for the women that put up with things like these, it will NEVER stop!!! Once they start hitting you and you forgive them.. that’s it, it will continue.

I was in a violent abusive relationship

Monday, 24 May 2010

In childhood when I was just 8 I used to play sex with my boy cousin.

Thereafter when that relationship was gone I started abusing my 5 year female cousin, I was about 11, I abused her for six years.

When we changed our home and I did not find sex partner I started abusing my younger sister. Feeling of guilt chased me for years but I could not stop. I abused my sister because I could not find girlfriends. Everyone cheated me, I could not find true love ever.

I stopped abusing my sister now and I am doing phone sex with a girl whom I have never met and who says she loves me but I know she cheats me and is having sex relationship with other guys.

Now when I have become impotent, I am afraid I would never find a healthy relationship.

Molested when I was a child

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

I am 23 years old, currently married and have a great job. From the outside my life seems happy go lucky, but on the inside I feel completely broken and rotten. When I was about 4 or 5 years old, my "uncle" (more like my father’s good friend) molested me. I used to wonder what was wrong with me and why I was so curious with people’s private parts. I felt truly disgusted with myself, but couldn’t help it. I know my uncle molested me more than once. I recall a time when he called me into the room to take a nap with him and so I laid beside him. I remember him putting his hands in my pants and feeling between my legs and telling me to put my hands down his pants. He told me never to tell anyone because then my parents would just get mad and spank me, so I never did. I think it was when I turned 7 or 8 I must have been doing something really sexual that my mom found out about because she pulled me in the room and asked me if anyone ever touched me and I broke down and told her. Apparently nothing happened because my uncle was still able to come over to our house and eat and be merry with our family. None of my family members know this. I think this has caused me to be truly sexual now. I think of sex all the time; however, I get really upset when I see or hear about children getting molested on the t.v or radio or anywhere. I wish I wasn’t so sexually active and sexually compulsive. Since I’ve been married I’ve cheated on my husband more than 10 times and I’ve slept with those men on more than one occasion. I’m currently in an affair right now. Even though I feel really bad and guilty for doing this I think the reason I do this is because I want to use those guys the way my uncle used me. I know this behavior is self-destructive, but I can’t seem to help this downward spiral I’m spinning myself into. I don’t think I want help. It’s unreal this double life I live and all the secrets I’ve kept for so long.

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