A book by a founder of this site.
I’ve abused someone or been abused.
Wonder how abuse impacted my life
When I was about ten, I was abused by a family friend. The thing I hate most about it is that I seemed to like it. My sexual experience had been to hear my mother in the same bed as me have sex with a man. I can remember masturbating when I was younger and exploring with other children. The fear and shame that has come from all this has affected me my whole life. I am now a senior citizen and my thoughts still wonder about how this played a part in my relationships. My husband was the only man that I had a sexual relationship with and after years ended in divorce—he left me for someone else.
Lifetime of sexual abuse
My secret is that when I was little I was molested by my father from the time I turned 5 until my mother found out (by catching him in the act) and divorced him. She knew about it but never really said anything to me. We moved into an apartment building which my aunt lived in. Well my aunts boyfriend had come over one day with my aunt and her and my mother had left to go Christmas shopping. After they had left I was taken up stairs where I was repeatedly raped until they had gotten home a few hours later. I never said a word about it. A few years later after being taken by the D.S.S. I was molested by my foster father. Everyday until I turned 16 and was emancipated. After going to college there I was joining a sorority and went to a party where I had gotten drunk and was raped there by two men that I thought was my friend. After that day I dropped out of college and never looked back. Now I find myself in a relationship with a married man and cant stand when he touches me. I cry when he makes love to me. I cant find a way from him and now I am pregnant with his child.
That actually felt good to get that out in the open. Thanks
Living with an abusive husband
I wanted to share that my secret is that I am being abused. And my husband is a porn addicted jerk. He keeps photos of his ex’s around and he has lied to me about his past. I have been spat on, shoved and terrified for some time now. He is also so verbally abusive. He has broken my spirit.
I am hiding an abusive relationship
I keep letting him back into my life even though he put his hands on me and broke a thousand promises and soaked me for every dime he could. I have to keep it a secret from my family and friends. It makes me cry.
Raped and confused
I was raped my sophomore year of college and I realize that now its even more difficult to keep relationships. I tend to seek love where I know does not exist such as in a disloyal friend or in guys that are just mean. Its a long story but my perpetrators are loose and I never did see justice and now I live with this nightmare everyday... I was interoggated by the police and they were just cruel and unsympathetic. Now I am just scared all the time and if I feel I may be in trouble for something I cave in... for some reason I think deep down I still blame myself for this, even though I really had no control. I got a bill from the ER and thank god I reached the mail before my parents did... Only a couple people know and I try to deny to myself that it ever happened... It’s heinous but I find myself smoking a lot and out of control at parties that have alcohol because I had so many problems half a decade before. Now 5 years later... my problems are a lot worse I don’t remember a lot of the details and trying to forget but remember more of the pain and anger. If I see a white van I palpitate.... and if I see handcuffs or scarfs I tend to want to vomit. I associate police as stoic people and once I was accused of money I did not take but threatened so badly... the circumstancial evidence was significant and to avoid the police and more anger, I just gave in. Now I feel like crap and I never really sought professional counselling for fear someone I know may find out. I feel deep rejection and realize I crave attention a lot. I have attempted suicide about a year ago when this happened with the extortion, but didn’t know that benzodiazepines you can’t OD on... so I slept through my biochem lab and I missed it... The class I was failing anyway and then just dropped... the accusations of me acutally stealing from someone really hurt although I don’t know if it was intentionally made up or true. I am really harsh on myself and just lost what I thought was a friend. But, then I realized that gay men aren’t women and they can’t understand... I guess its a twisted world we live in and just gotta deal with it... even though I thought we were friends, my head is kinda messed up and my family or friends back home aren’t here to support me. Anybody that reads this... pls just pray for me and realize its really hard for me to share this but I need to focus better. Thanks. Beautiful Disaster
Hiding abusive past
My new boyfriend asked about my formative years with men. I evaded the question and am ashamed. My father was an abusive alcoholic and I always felt somehow to blame for the situation. I’ve tried to put the past behind me. Am I obligated to tell him about my father? It is painful and I don’t wish to discuss it. My father is dead (so is my mother) and I want to go on to have a happy life with this man free from the ghosts of the past. I’ve been in therapy and don’t feel he needs to know about it—it’s my business. Is this okay?
Messed up family
When I was five or six years old I don’t remember now, I went to spend the night with one of my friends who was probably two or three years older than me and she wanted to play "Romeo and Juliet" at the time I didn’t know what that was or even who they were. She wanted me to get on top of her and dry hump her like we were husband and wife, I did. From then on up until I was probably 12 or 13 me and all of my friends would play and mess with each other in sexual perverted ways. When I was 12 I was molested by my grandfather ( my dad’s dad). I used to sit with him on the couch, he would be reading a book and he would touch me. This went on for about a year. I grew up in a house where there was constant arguing and fighting. I found out at the age of 15 from my half sister that my own father had molested and raped her when she was only SEVEN years old!!!! I come from a messed up family and it has shown in my own relationship with my husband. I don’t express my feelings to him and I don’t share my problems, I bottle them up inside! I am ashamed to tell him anything about my past!
Boyfriend beats me
My boyfriend has hit and kicked me hard enough that I have actually had to go to the hospital because of it.
Life of abuse
I have seen and lived through all kinds of abuse. I witnessed my father beating my mother when I was a little girl. When I was in kindergarden, my babysitter told me about sex and she used to take me out into her shed and she showed me how to masterbate, she never touched me, but it still bothers me. When I was in first grade I used to masterbate with my stuffed animals. Then in second grade my parrents seperated and me and my little sister lived with my mom, she was always drinking and there were party’s at our house almost every night. One night a drunken couple came into the room that me and my little sister shared and kicked her out of her bed and into mine so that they could have sex in it. My grandmother told my father what was going on and so he came and kidnapped us and sent us to live with his parrents all the way accross the country. While my father was away doing his job training or school or whatever, my grandfather started to molest me. I would lay on the couch with him and watch movies and he would touch me. I used to lay with him and I couldn’t wait for my little sister to fall asleep because It felt good what my grandfather did to me. To this day, I still feel sick and disgusted and ashamed of that. He would touch me and eventually he raped me. I remember one night he took me out onto the couch in the dark living room and asked me what I wanted him to do to me and he gave me options, I don’t remember all of what he said, but I remember that he took my silk pajama bottoms off and spread my legs and went down on me. I WAS ONLY SEVEN YEARS OLD!!! To this day I feel uncomfortable and ashamed of sex. I can’t wear satin or silk because it makes me feel sick. After two years of this sexual abuse, my father came and got me and my sister and the three of us moved to another state. I never told my father what happened, but I remember I used to crawl into bed with him at night, hoping that he would touch me like my grandfather did. He never did, but he did other things to me. He used to beat the crap out of me and seclude me from my little sister and my friends. He kept me locked up in my room except for school and the babysitters. The worst beating I ever got from him was because of something that I did when I was eight or nine years old and to this day the shame stays with me. Everyday after school, the school bus would drop me and my sister off at the babysitters. And me and the babysitters daughter who was the same age as me used to play house and kiss each other and pretend to be a husband and wife and pretend to have sex. One day her mom caught us and told my dad about it. When we got home that night he called me names and picked me up by the scruff of my neck and threw me down the stairs. Then he threw me into my room and threw the bible at me and told me to read it and repent my sins. When I was a little girl when I lived with my fathers parrents I had a friend who was in the same class as me and she used to come over and we used to play house and kiss and play with each other. I have always been very ashamed of my sexuality, I feel dirty and ugly and bad. Up until I met my husband, every sexual relationship that I had, I would feel physically ill about it afterwards and I would end up pushing the guy away. But now with my husband my sex life has been difficult for me because I still struggle with those feelings of shame. The only time I can orgasm is when I am alone when he is at work and I masterbate. It feels good when we make love most of the time, but I can’t orgasm with him and it makes me sad. I fake it and lie to him because I don’t want to hurt his feelings, I don’t want him to think that he’s inadequate. Sometimes I feel like I’m being used, sometimes it hurts, sometimes I cry when my husband makes love to me, and sometimes I want to be hurt. Sometimes I just want my husband to be mean to me and rape me and beat me, I don’t know why. I just feel so ashamed and unworthy. I disgust myself for how good it felt and how special I felt when my grandfather did those things to me. And when I was thirteen years old me and my younger cousin played with one another. It was a mutual thing, but because I was a couple of years older than him, I feel responsible and I’m affraid that I’m a monster just like my grandfather. I don’t have sexual feelings towards children or anything...... but everyone always says that people who have been abused are twice as likely to abuse their own children. I’m so affraid to have children because of that. What if I beat them or worse? It is hard for me to enjoy sex because I always feel ashamed or ugly or used. I hate having to lie to my husband, I hate faking it, but I don’t know what else to do.
Abused by my Father
I was abused as a young woman by the only man I could trust—my father.
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