A book by a founder of this site.
My Attempt to Confront A Compulsive Liar
Please take a look at two different viewers’ attempts to deal with a compulsive liar. These strategies may not work for everyone, but hopefully they give people some options and ideas about how to cope with a compulsive liar.
And if you have any successful strategies that have worked for you, please feel free to share them with us so that other people might benefit from your experience. Thanks!
One viewer’s attempt
Here’s how I tried to get my boyfriend to stop lying:
It is possible to get a compulsive liar to change, but he’s going to have to be confronted over and over with the truth of his lying ways, and it’s going to be a long, systematic, and strategic process. I’ve been systematically exposing my boyfriend’s lying ways over the last few months. I learned to do my research up front when something looked/seemed suspicious. After my suspicions were confirmed, I’d ask him about what he said, giving him an opportunity to come clean. Once he didn’t, I’d present the indisputable evidence.
At that point he would simply be silent. That was the only admission of guilt I would get, but I accepted it. The point was that he knew that I knew. So after I developed a pattern of confronting him with evidence, it became harder for him to automatically offer a lie as an explanation because there was a risk that I had done/would do more research to confirm the truth. So at least at that point he would second guess his decision to just make something up. At this point the habit gets disrupted, maybe not broken, but at least disrupted.
From there I began to weave into conversations (in appropriate contexts) that he has a demonstrated history of not telling the truth, just to reinforce that I don’t automatically buy everything he says now. No matter how hard he tries to argue against that, I stick to my guns and restate that the past history of lies speaks for itself. I’ve also made it clear that we are the process of rebuilding trust as a natural consequence of his deception (this is when he asks when I’m ever going to trust him again. It’s also been good to ask him to really reflect on whether he’s worthy of trust at this point).
I still do my research, but now when he lies about things I don’t have to present the evidence in order for him to admit the truth. When I call him on a lie, he may try to deny it at first or shade things a little or offer a perfectly understandable explanation. But I just tell him I know that’s not the exact truth. He has started now to abandon his need to convince me of the truth with his words. In fact he understands his words are ineffective with me, and for good reason. So a little bit more of the habit has been shaken up.
Another viewer’s response
The writer above comes to no conclusion as to the results of this strategy. I think that the strategy is typical of anyone that gets involved with a lying person (addict of any sort.)
My own observations is that the liar will come clean when it serves their purpose and return to lying when it serves their purpose. In the meantime, the person confronting and attempting to change this behavior becomes increasingly codependent through focusing such effort into changing another’s behavior. Eventually the confronter will become very sick through their confronting, while the liar will move on with little or no scars from the interaction.
Another viewer’s attempt
From experience, there is a lot to think about when your boyfriend lies to you. Some will lie be be purposely malicious, but others do it to gain some self serving purpose or esteem. As for my boyfriend, I tried to confront him by telling him that lying will eventually make you lose trust and respect from others around you. This may seem really ridiculous, but he took some good whacks from me.
Afterward, I explained that truth and honesty will earn him respect and that I would not want to be with anyone that was not willing to confront such an issue as lying. From then on, I encourage him every time he tells the truth about anything. He is gradually telling more truths lately, and I am encouraged by this. I see other wonderful sides of him as well, and try to see him as a patient going through healing.
However, not all cases of lying may be the same, so it depends on the guy you may be involved with. You should know if the guy does not mean harm deep down... so it could just take a lot of patience and forgiveness for a while. After all, isn’t part of love being forgiving and patient?
Another viewer’s solution
My only tip to being with a compulsive liar is to leave them. I was engaged up until this week and I had confronted him on a number of occasions on the tiniest of lies, but it didn’t stop him lying to me. In fact, he tried to justify lying by wanting ‘an easy life.’ In the end I was more insulted that he thought I was so stupid to believe the most incredible lies. The time and effort I invested in trying to catch him lying actually killed all my feelings for him. How could I be with someone I couldn’t even trust?
Sure I am disappointed, but now I’m just relieved that I don’t have to read into everything and wonder if its actually true. No more Inspector Clueso for me!
Another viewer’s experience
I married a sociopath. Of course, I didn’t realize that there were those types of human beings in existence. Near the end of our 2 yr. marriage is when I started realizing she had been lying to me & her coworkers (destroying my character) so that she could attempt to have me arrested on false DV charges. Imagine the realization of this from your spouse. I guess she was through with me, so this was her way of disposing of me. I found out later after meeting her ex that she had succeeded in having him arrested on false DV charges (they didn’t stick, because, well, they were false!) He is a really nice man.
I found out some incredulous lies, some just downright crazy, and some directed solely to destroy my character. When I confronted her with several of these lies she would lie again to cover, or simply state "you weren’t there", etc. The problem is that I spoke with people who were there in the certain instances. My take on it is that one could confront a person such as my ex (who is a validated sociopath ~ by way of psychological testing) until one’s death and not accomplish anything positive. I’ll agree with the one thing that another person stated: When confronted with the truth, there is a long silence.
I have to deal with this person with outrageously horrible behavior because I had children by her. The interesting thing is that she didn’t really "target to destroy" me until she was underway with the second pregnancy. Once I got my feet under me, and started investigating I uncovered lie after lie concerning her parents, my parents, me, my friends, you name it. Nothing was sacred from being destroyed by her lying. I uncovered an affair she had also.
From this experience I may be an incurable cynic on the topic of rehabilitation from chronic lying.
Truth and trust are missing from a liar’s dictionary, and it can’t be penciled in later. My ex uses lies to manipulate people into believing a certain thing or making people act (usually it’s for punitive control, getting what she wants regardless of others, etc.).
Another viewer’s perspective
Is it worth it to keep or build a relationship with a compulsive liar? NO.
It doesn’t matter if he or she is a compulsive liar CL or pathological liar PL there’s no way to keep a healthy relationship when there’s no trust. At first a CL or PL looks and acts like normal people and you will buy anything that person tells you. In time, however, you’ll find some incongruencies in their stories, excuses to show you a home-made recent picture, excuses to avoid a date or meeting, a list of reasons why you can’t meet their family or friends. Eventually, he or she will be forced to present extraordinary excuses. Compulsive liars offer nothing but lies after lies. And when you confront a compulsive liar with the facts they’ll act defensive or they’ll act like the victim of someone who doesn’t trust them.
Is it worth it?
No. Move away. Everyone deserves better.
From someone who has learned to live with a compulsive liar
I have been married to a compulsive liar for more than 25 years. The lies ranged from simple ones that had no apparent point, to very complex deceptions made to achieve a goal. When confronted, she would deny lying, adroitly misdirect the conversation, verbally attack me, and try every approach imaginable to avoid the truth. If pursued long enough, she may tell the truth, but with a great deal of resentment.
This problem was not apparent when we first married, but became more apparent as the responsibilities of a relationship and parenthood arrived.
It was just two days ago that I told her I thought she was a compulsive liar. We went to the internet and looked up some definitions. I left, she took some tests and read some more, then walked to where I was and announced that she was a compulsive liar. I asked if she was kidding—she said she was not. She said she read it can be caused by traumatic events occurring as a child, and she has, reportedly, had those. But I am not too sure about her past, since her recounting of past events has been shown to change.
I don’t think I will ever really know what her life was before I met her. I don’t think she can be counted on to not lie, but she is not so bad that she can’t be counted on as a life partner. I love her and don’t wish to leave. The kids are grown and know that mom sometimes has a hard time telling the truth. She tells me she does not know why she lies.
Another person’s take on the issue
I was dating someone for almost a year until I finally wised up and broke up with them two weeks ago because I was tired of his lying. He doesn’t think that he does anything wrong, he cannot even talk about problems because he would always push them under the rug.
When I met him he had recently lost his wife, I wanted to just be friends, but he insisted on being ready to date. Honesty and trust are essential for any type of relationship to grow. This past year has been one of great stress and I will never stay with someone who lies to me because one lie seems to lead to another lie.
Life is tough enough, and each and every one of us has our share of quirks, but when you are fortunate in this life to find someone who really cares for you, that’s something special in this day and age.
It is still hard to deal with what happened, but time heals everything.
From a compulsive liar
I understand compulsive liars, because I am in fact one myself. My habits are not as bad as when I was younger, but I still lie to protect myself, my past and my truth and I would come up with anything to protect me... I used to take habit in faking people and identities to try and protect myself. What saved me was actually meeting another compulsive liar... We both clocked on to it because we were both doing the exact same thing, we had the same techniques, so one night I confronted her, telling her I understand exactly why she is the way she is, because I am myself. It was such a relief to find someone who had the exact same problem as me, we both gave each other confidence and hope, and we went counseling together and group therapies.... Dealing with the truth IS scary, especially when you deeply hate the person you are and not who you’re making everyone believe you are.. but we’re getting there.
From another compulsive liar
I can also understand why a compulsive liar lies. Mainly because I have recently discovered I am one. I truly don’t know why I lie, but I have read the symptoms and I concur that I lie to protect myself. I grew up in a middle class family. I was basically the star student in my earlier grades (1st through 3rd) and mt parents never really let me forget it. I actually began to slack in school a bit, and thats my fault. But as soon as I received my first B my parents grounded me for a long time. (I do remember this.) And from there on they continued to make sure my homework was always done and would never let me leave the house until it was done.
I think that’s when it all started...I began to lie to my parents and tell them my homework was done so I could go play with friends sooner. I’m not sure how but, I as time went on I lied more and more. I, actually to the point where I can lie to myself and believe in false things. I tell my parents that they tell me things, or that they don’t tell me things to get out of a sticky situation so I’m not punished. I do it to everyone now because I’m always afraid of the punishment. I am currently in a great relationship that is slowly slipping away. I truly mean no harm to anyone but my girlfriend is amazing...I don’t know how she puts up with me. I lie about the littlest things. Their family is on vacation and I forgot to mow their lawn...and I was talking to her, I told her that I mowed it...when I didn’t yet, but she didn’t even come home for another week so there was not point in lying.
I am currently seeing help and I advise all those that know a compulsive liar to help them. Because its hard and self-confusing. It’s instinct to lie for us, and it feels weird when I tell the truth...
A friend’s perspective
About a year ago, I discovered that my best friend is a compulsive liar. She had made up an ex-boyfriend, who contacted all of her friends through msn and through emails. Her lies were so deep, and she brought this ex-boyfriend up daily, sometimes crying over fights they got into. Finally, I confronted her, and she denied everything. I lost a few other friends, because she convinced them I was a bad person. Recently, a friend and I went to her parents, because we’re still relatively young, and believe there may be hope for her. But the more we speak to her parents or other friends, we see that she didn’t only lie about this boy. Simple things, like teaching kids on weekends, and her financial situation. It helps to know I’m not alone in being hurt, but my friend just will not ever admit defeat, or concede that she ever lied. I now fear the only thing to do is walk away, and hope that she can get professional help. I too have become cynical at this tender age.
From a victim of a compulsive liar
Anyone who has been shocked or devastated by the actions of a adept liar knows the shame that follows. You are outraged, but deep inside you feel stupid and naive for having misjudged someone’s character so profoundly. Compulsive liars shake off the chaos, confusion, damage they inflict on others much like the snake who sheds his skin. They may be agitated while wriggling out of a lie, but once this accomplished, they move on; smarter and smoother from the experience. I sleep with one eye open after a brief affair 10 years ago. I ended up pregnant after 3 months of dating this man I had met at work. After seeing the positive sign on the test strip he proved how a con man only yells the truth when it is less problematic than a lie. He quickly told me his real name, what he really did for a living, his family lived only a few miles away, made a hasty exit. He turns up now and again to terrorize me and my daughter. He occasionally ends up in jail. But I always have to move far away. A good rule to remember is that all the power in any relationship lies in hands of the person who cares the least. It seems dark-hearted and wrong, but it is the truth.
I was married to a compulsive liar for three years; we dated for one year before we married. He was the most charming man I’d ever met, and I believe now it was because he knew about his lying problem. Also, his lying worked to hook me because he told me what he knew I wanted to hear. The lies ranged from tiny, silly things to very important issues. My trust in him was ultimately destroyed, and that is when I decided I needed to leave. I confronted him several (and several more) times, but he always denied that he was lying and became angry with me. Having no trust in him and being verbally and emotionally attacked by him was not worth all the great things about him, and there were many. I believe much of love is made up of trust. I have always wished him well since I left him, but I know he’s still at it. I received a call recently from a woman who found our divorce papers in the trunk of his car when he sent her there for one of his sweaters—he told her he had never been married. She was crying her heart out to me. I told her to run, especially since I found out he had been divorced in the same manner—I found his first divorce papers in the trunk of his car, where he had sent me to find his sweater. Ha ha. Go figure!
Another Compulsive Liar Gives His Perspective
I am a compulsive liar. I have been married to a wonderful woman for 10 years. I have lied to her about everything in my life the whole time. I even told her a friend of mine died and that was to cover up why I was talking to another woman (yet another woman) for months. I say whatever I have to to avoid confrontation and accountability. I have ruined my marriage and am currently chasing a younger girl. This relationship will not satisfy me either. My advice if you are involved with a pathological liar is RUN! It doesn’t get any better and you will destroy your soul.
Someone Else Who Chose To Move On
I was engaged for 3 yrs to a man who I now realize I didn’t even really know. He painted a totally different picture of himself to me than what the world saw, and I chose to believe him even though there were obvious red flags throughout the 3 yrs. He’s like a chameleon that changes colors in order to attain the goal of the moment. When he’s with bar friends he’s one of the crowd, when at church he lifts his hands in prayer & kneels to show his fake reverence. When we’re together in public, he’s reserved and attentive to me, when I’m absent he’s a blatant womanizer that sneaks and cheats and lies to cover his tracks. I feel like an idiot for believing him, and trusting him. It nearly took an act of God for me to finally see the light & realize he was just using me, that he didn’t love me or anybody for that matter, nor was he ever going to marry me. I’m hurt and have gone thru a deep 7 month depression over him duping and mocking me. All his crowd, and there are many of them, knew who he really was, and no one told me though they hinted at times, he denied it and I waited for solid proof before finally confronting him. I’m sorry for the lost time spent trying to deal with him, and I too recommend anyone in a relationship like this to MOVE on, run like Forest Gump until you are as far away as possible. These kind of people are toxic and will bring you down, they’re survivors but we suffer the most and in the end this could be our downfall, not theirs. Be strong & move on.
Another Sad Story
I recently discovered my boyfriend is a compulsive liar. But, he hasn’t accepted that he is. I’m not a psychologist, but by all criteria I can find, I would bet all my money that he is. He lies frequently, about stupid things and big things. When I confronted him about it he actually had the guts to defend himself by saying that he’s "never lied to me". But he has. I cannot trust him at all.
From what I can tell, he doesn’t feel bad about it. What he does feel bad about is himself. He can’t seem to handle the reality of his life, and constantly shades or fabricates the truth to make himself appear in a way that will be appealing to whomever he is speaking with. He has created this completely false persona to hide from his own failures, which are pretty small in comparison to others. He’s an incredibly talented, intelligent and funny person who is destroying any possibility of a healthy relationship with me because of his lying coping mechanism. It’s never a deal breaker for someone to have low self esteem. What is a deal breaker is when their ways of compensating are hurtful to themselves or others, such as compulsive lying. That saddest part is that if he would just be honest and deal with his insecurities in a healthy way, our relationship would be completely different (and better). But thus far, he’s not showing signs of wanting to do that.
After speaking to my therapist, I’ve come to the conclusion that the relationship has no future. I am deeply saddened by this. But, I have to also realize that I have a pattern myself of seeking out codependent relationships, which makes it more difficult to leave. But, I must take ownership of my own inadequacies and realized that my own self esteem and respect is worth more than trying to help someone who consistently hurts and disrespects me.
My advice to anyone who is dating a compulsive liar is to shift the focus away from trying to fix them and look rationally at the situation as a whole. Yes, you may love this person, but are they aren’t showing you the kind of love you need (and deserve)? Whether you believe it or not, you DO deserve someone who will be honest with you. You DO deserve a real relationship. And a real relationship MUST be built upon trust and honesty. Don’t you want a relationship with someone you can truly know and respect and who can truly know and respect you?
Good luck, stay strong and remember- You are important. And you are deserving of true love and respect. It’s never too late to take care of yourself.
Twelve Years With a Compulsive Liar
I have been in a relationship with a Compulsive/Pathological Liar for 12 years. It is the most devastating and soul crushing thing anyone can live with. Everyday you wait for the "ball to drop". For his next scam to come knocking on your door ex: cops, bill collectors, utility workers, landlords, even family that he has screwed over. If you are in a relationship with someone who has this disorder LEAVE before you get so vested you can’t. He has financially ruined me. Stold thousands from me and my family. He has been in trouble and put me in trouble with the law for check kiting.(which he did obviously without my knowledge). We have a special needs child that requires me to be home with her so I have become dependent on him because he has completely ruined me I can’t even rent an apartment. Let me tell you do not think you can change them or that they can get better IT DOES NOT HAPPEN. We have tried everything; therapy, church counseling, medication. He still lies. I have went from excellent credit making 120,000 a year owning a 5000 square foot house, jaguar and duramax diesel truck to being bankrupt living without electricity for 2 months and wondering when I may be evicted has he lied about paying the rent again. He will lie about paying bills, how much money he makes, where he is, what he is doing, his parents, his heritage, his life in general. DO NOT think that the lies will stop. Every time someone like him goes to get help they will do ok for several months then the lies come back. The problem is that their lies become real to them and they have no reality any more they believe they paid the rent when they haven’t. The only way you will ever find out is if you find out for yourself they will not ever tell you unless you have proof, letters etc. I have lived with this person for several years because I believe that he is a good person (which he probably is) and that it was the right thing for me to do for my family to stick by him and get him help and nothing has worked. I am stuck because of my financial circumstances PLEASE do not become me. LEAVE at the first sign of a serious lie.
Children Are Impacted Too
My ex is a liar. He’s also the father of our daughter so even though we’re not in a relationship now, we still have ongoing contact. It’s really hard on me, he has many great qualities but when he lies it overshadows everything that’s good about him. It also makes it difficult when his daughter accuses him of lying. What am I supposed to say to her? How can I defend him? He does lie. I’d be a liar if I told her that he didn’t.
So what I think about this is that he puts people into little boxes. He’ll say one thing to one person, and another thing to another person in another box, and on it goes. The world crashes when these people’s paths cross because the truth inevitably comes out. I for one have no idea who he is. He’s living all these different lives. His life isn’t one whole like normal people. I desperately want to take him at face value, but it’s difficult to separate his fact from fiction and it leaves the person on the receiving end with no trust left. I’ve tried for years to be a good friend to him, but I don’t think he’s capable of being a good friend to me.
He lies about stupid stuff, and important stuff, and he doesn’t seem to understand withholding the truth is every bit as bad as blatant lying.
You know, if you’re a liar and you’re reading this message, I want you to understand how destructive your lying is. Not just because it costs relationships with partners who once loved you, but because it stresses your relationships with your children too. Our daughter is 8 years old. She adores her father, but even at 8 years old she’s looking at him with wariness in her eyes. That is, I think, the ultimate tragedy of lying. When even your young children, the ones you adore, look at you differently because of your lying habit.
Dated A Compulsive Liar
I just ended a 2.5 year relationship with a compulsive liar yesterday. In the beginning, I found him very charming. He would tell me about all of the beautiful women he had dated and really seemed to know a lot about women in general. But the more he talked the more I found out he was lying. There were some really great qualities about him so I did the worst and chose to ignore the white lies. But then they started becoming bigger and bigger. Infidelity, he was harboring an STI and didn’t tell me and then BLAMED it on me, he would stand me up and then I would find out he was doing hard drugs at parties with women....it was awful. I tried to confront him and he’d tell me I was wildly jealous, I’m in my own world and was deluding myself....even when I would try to show him text messages he wrote to PROVE he had lied.....all just terrible. I’m deeply hurt, embarrassed that I believed in him and thought he could actually BE the great guy he made himself out to be. But everything that came out of his mouth was a lie. Absolutely everything. My advice is to tell them they’re a liar, tell them to get help, and WALK AWAY. Liars belong with liars. Let them be together instead of infecting and ruining good, kind and loving people.
Think My Parents Are Compulsive Liars
I am pretty sure both of my parents are compulsive liars. My father has been audited several times by the IRS, denied stealing money from me when I was a working teen, and encouraged us kids to lie about his affair -we met his mistress when we were preteens. I think my mom enables his behavior or is a compulsive liar, too. The most significant evidence of their behavior is this: neither my mom not dad will admit that they believe I was raped. After our alcoholic bi-polar brother died in 2004, my older sister spilled the beans that I was raped at camp in 1980 when I was 16. My sister said our brother started drinking because I was raped at camp. No evidence exists to support any rape. My parents use this mythical rape to explain why I spent almost 3 months in a mental health care facility. I am 45 years old now. I found about this horrible lie in 2004—now I understand why my entire family treated me in such a bizarre way. Compulsive lying must be just a small part of mental illness. I am bi-polar and am having success with medical and counseling, but two years ago this chemical imbalance almost cost me my husband and 2 children. I am still praying for wisdom on how to treat my parents who are 75 and 78 and very ill. I know Jesus will give me wisdom and strength to continue loving and respecting my parents and help me not to be a victim of them. Their big lie about me has definitely tainted many relationships in my life.
My Younger Sister Is A Compulsive Liar
My youngest sister is a compulsive liar and I find it very difficult to deal with her. I am not sure if this is hereditary, but it seems like almost everyone in my mom’s family has some kind of lying disorder. She is also very close to these people.
I have confronted her about the lying, but it has never done any good and she just keeps lying. It makes me wonder if she keeps lying because I am the only one that has ever confronted her and she could care less about what I have to say.
She has torn the whole family apart with her lies. I don’t talk to my parents because they believe every word that she says and then they call me as soon as they find out she lied, expecting me to do something.
Another example is how she lies about her children being sick or makes it seem worse that what it is. When my mom calls me and says my niece or nephews are sick, I ask her where she got her information. If it is from anyone but the doctor, then I do not believe it. I also ask for symptoms and go straight to webmd. Everyone, including my parents, know that she lies and they still believe everything she says. I do not understand why people enable liars.
Another instance is last year when she falsified a restraining order, which was one me. I have a file folder with about 10 pages of evidence that shows the restraining order was falsified. No one knew I had the evidence until the day of court, but nothing was still done because she dropped the restraining order. I do not think she expected me to show up with witnesses and evidence. She stuttered and dropped the restraining order.
I have made it very clear to her that until she gets help, I want nothing to do with her.
I have learned, with her, that when she lies she does show it. She gets really defensive and raises her voice. While she is doing this, she is trying to convince everyone that she is not lying. I do not think she even is aware that she does it.
A Compulsive Liar Who Found A Fix
I’ve been surrounded by "compulsive liars" almost my entire life, from family, to friends-significant others. I myself am a compulsive liar.
My fiance is one as well. At first he was a normal, average Joe. With no real negative points. But as our one year anniversary hit I either started to open my eyes or he started to lie. Since then I have caught him in as many lies as I could imagine.
Like above, I did my research and he is aware that there is a good chance I will find out that he is lying.
At first I would scream, cry, argue and act out in direct effect to his lies (most of them were rather ridiculous, large lies at this point).
After a while when I started to realized that my own reactions were childish and in no way helping the situation I turned to other resources.
Now I take his lies for what they are worth, I let him tell me the truth and most times he won’t. So I confront him with what I know to be well versed fact and he starts to cry or scream saying he is "sorry" and did not want me to get "angry."
It has been nearly 2 years and he is still lying about tiny things or big things they are all the same. I have come to terms with the fact that no matter how deeply we care for one another this behavior seems to never change.
In the end however threw all my research and tactics to get him to stop lying I have realized that I have stop lying. It seems that through my efforts to help him I have really helped myself.
Advice: Compulsive Lying is at its most horrible times an addiction. Addicts will not get better unless they want to- and most don’t truly want too.
You can either learn from your situations and move on. Or stay with the addict and spend the rest of your life trying to "fix" someone else’s problem.
Married To A Compulsive Liar
I am married to a man who I now know is a compulsive liar. I am actually at a point where I want to try to understand why he does this and I want to try to fix this. But at the same time, the last two years have put so much stress on me and pain in my heart and he has completely lost all my trust. I do not even have a desire to be with him in a physical way now. This is ruining our marriage. I am getting physically ill now because of always having to try to figure out what is true & what is a lie. He tells me things and I get excited about what he is telling me and then it never happens, big things like...we are going to buy a house...and going as far as sitting at the table with the realtor and then finding out that he never really intended on buying the house in the first place. He strings me along daily keeping me thinking things are gonna be the way he said and then ultimately, he gets what he wants, and I just stop asking questions about what happened.SO he wins because he got away with the lying everyday until I just stopped asking what is going on? This has been the case with at least 20-30 big time situations in the past two years... he lies about rent being paid, he lies about our car payments being paid all the way up until the day the car gets repossessed! This just happened last month and he is still telling me every day that today is the day we are getting our car back...see he does not lie about just tiny things these are huge things!!! and this is not the first car that has disappeared one disappeared with no logical explanation and the sad thing is it belonged to my 17 year old son...it was his first car ..my husband tried to tell us it was stolen but we know better... nothing added up in his story at all. It never does. Right now I am trying to figure out if I should start some kind of counseling or on the other hand... do I need to subject myself and my well being to all of this nonsense. I know they say there is good in all of us but I cannot understand hurting someone (that you say you love) over and over with lies.
Dealing With A Business Partner Who Is A Compulsive Liar
It has been nearly 7 months since I ended my business partnership of 3 years with a woman who is either a compulsive or pathological liar. It has been relieving to know that there is a term and a recognized condition for these kinds of people. I also found relief in reading the stories on your site. I am one of those that firmly believe that you cannot help these people, but you can only choose to tolerate the behavior or leave the situation. I tolerated it for 3 years and then I, after experiencing so much mental overhead and stress, decided to end the partnership and the business.
In any relationship, business or personal, trust is the most important ingredient. Without it, I don’t know how anyone can expect for their relationship to flourish.
She came to the table with a lot of promise, all self-substantiated. When we began to roll as a business, her job was business development. She turned out to be the Madoff of appointments in that she accepted appointments that she knew she would not be able to fulfill, often setting up appointments at the same time and day. When confronted on not meeting deadlines or returning calls, because people were coming to me to complain, it was the same excuses--she blamed technology and the world around her. At this rate, the coincidences of the same technical issues (and we were a tech company) and personal issues grew uncanny. In her personal life, she lied too. Her two young children, of 8 and 11, she felt were old enough to take care of themselves at home without adult supervision, since she and her husband worked. She admitted to having had an affair and pursuing at least 2 separate ones during our business relationship. All her business promises were never delivered. She said she would call back in 5 minutes but she really meant 5 hours. She said she would deliver a proposal by Friday, she would miss it and not feel compelled to let anyone know. She would attend meetings, be given a list of tasks, agree to take care of them, and then needed to be reminded excessively, like a child, to get them done. Clients and employees alike believed that she did nothing all day. I contemplated having her followed or using stealth tracking software on her computer. I realized that just having these suspicions was not healthy nor was it productive. Like many other stories here, when confronted she either remained very quiet or she adamantly argued that I was not seeing her potential. At the very end, I rehearsed my conversation to end our partnership with my girlfriend who is a social worker. I also substantiated the discussion with extensive sales, and software usage reports to demonstrate that not only had she not met her own sales goals, for 3 years, but she was the also the 13th slowest person in the company to respond to any sales inquiry by web, email or phone--and yet, that was her only job and she was a partner and owner in the company. The information was indisputable, even though the real life situation, to anyone familiar with the cl/pl person, would also have been indisputable. I had never experienced anyone like this in my life. Ironically, during our talk to end the partnership, she acknowledged that prior partnerships had all ended the same way.
Do you have your own ideas or experience you’d like to share?
If so, please send them to us.
- success stories about dealing with compulsive lying?
- forum for people involved with a compulsive liar
- how to confront a lying partner