All Secrets Revealed by Date

My lies help me cover my past

I do have a pretty messed up past. I did suffer abuse for years that I had a hard time categorizing as abuse... and it left me with emotional baggage that I could not justify to most people... so I began telling stories that related each emotional issue to a more directly sympathetic cause as a way of conveying the truth of my emotional history to others. I told lies to justify who I was and who I became. The problem was that while these things ring true to me in effect, the causes that I tell people are fictional... and as such I have created a largely false history of myself that is inescapable and inseparable from the truth.

No one knows the reality, even my oldest and closest friends or family. No one knows that certain parts of my history are lies and have been for over 15 years... I do not add to these stories with new ones and I do not lie on any type of regular basis, but these original lies have become a part of my history that I continue to tell even new people when they are getting to know me. I feel like while I know the truth, they are sort of a legitimate part of me still... because emotionally they have always felt true and serve to simplify more complicated issues and that was the reason for them in the first place.

Meanwhile I have dealt with many people who have lied to and manipulated me. I have been used, betrayed, twisted and abandoned by family, lovers and friends. I absolutely do not trust most people and I find the idea of trust very difficult.

Now there is a woman I am in love with. I have told her the exact same lies as everyone else but wish I had not. I wish I could be honest with her... she is the first person I ever wanted to be entirely honest with but I feel like my past is part of the reason she loves me... I know that she has lied to me in the past for similar reasons and in a way, it helps me feel more justified in holding onto my fictional past. We can each keep those secrets and they never have to be discussed... but the fact that I know about some of those lies she told and the knowledge that I was continuously lied to about them... makes me fear that she will someday lie to me in the present... I worry that she will manipulate me like others have done or that she will cheat and I will not know...

I worry that this is my karmic punishment for continuing to hold onto my own lies... but telling the truth would destroy every relationship in my life... because the lies I have told for 15 years are part of how people define me... they are part of how I define myself.

The problem is that aside from the past I created so long ago... I remain an honest person who is direct and upfront with people. I just do not know how to explain my past abuses and traumas in any way other than the lies that I have told...

Start an affair while my partner is pregnant

I have started an affair. I have continued it since discovering my partner is pregnant and I have hidden this from my lover because I don’t want to end the affair.

I hate my friends

I hate that all my closest friends are completely neurotic about all kinds of weird stuff, and I find myself smoothing over things and soothing them ALL THE TIME. I never feel supported when it comes to my own issues, they can never stop talking about themselves for long enough to listen to me complain for once. It’s driving me absolutely crazy. But I love them and can’t imagine not having them in my life. It’s making me really conflicted, and I’m starting to resent them.

My past cheating is eating me up

I cheated on my then girlfriend now wife with an old fling in a weak (and alcohol-infused) moment while she was out of town a couple of years ago. I took my fling home and had sex with me in my girlfriend’s bed. The next day I was terrified that I was gonna get caught so I cleaned the whole apartment 3 times, changed the sheets (and blamed it on a coffee spill). The reason was because we had a "bad" period in our lives and a couple of months later had "the talk" but agreed to give it one more try.

I’ve also the last couple of months began to buy webcam shows from webcam-sites, and I just feel disgusted with myself right now. I logged in again today and a girl even recognized me (or well my username since I’ve bought shows from her before).

We are now married, bought a house and are waiting for our first kid and I can’t shake the feeling that this is all based on a lie. I love my wife to death and I hope she never finds out but this is eating me up from within. The strangest thing is that I’ve gone like 3 years without giving it much thought but since there’s so much going on right now I think my anxiety is bringing this up and making me feel like I don’t deserve the amount of happiness I actually have in my life. I have control issues and this feels like something I can’t control right now, even though the girl I cheated with did the same thing to her ex (not with me though), and she never told him.

I’ll end my account on the webcam site, and probably delete the fling from social media as well since I can’t really have her popping up and reminding me about it all the time. She’s getting married now as well, and now seems like a good time to do it, since we’ve talked on and off since my affair.

My lies keep me from getting close to others

I am a liar and always will be. I’ll never form close attachments and even those who believe they’re close to me right now don’t know everything about what I’ve done. It’s draining on me and will eventually lead to my early death I assume but I don’t think I know how to stop or why I’m doing what I’m doing.