Past Comments – I think my wife is having an emotional affair

written by Jan1209, 22 December, 2006

I understand how you feel... really. If you read my story on My Husband and Best Friend Hid Things From Me. You will see I have been in the same situation. My husband says he had nothing for my friend other than she was "our friend." He didn’t hide phone calls from me but he didn’t tell me about them either. Emotional affair or not.... it was wrong and I feel betrayed by them both. In a marriage neither the husband or wife should ever take the chance of hurting the other one’s feelings or causing such doubt that it makes you wonder if anything really is going on. Believe me snoop all you want to and don’t feel bad about it. Had I snooped a little bit earlier I would have been enlightened much sooner and caused myself a lot less grief.

written by Mickbic, 24 December, 2006

I am not sure quite how to respond to this, having lived in highly nuanced views of polyamory. I have agape type committments to two very monogamous women. These are till death do us part. If they are hiding anything whatsoever from their husbands, the relationships would implode immediately.

update...
written by :ASG, 28 December, 2006

Well, I spoke to my wife, and she maintains the position that they are old friends. She, was keeping it from me because I had begun to disapprove of the relationship, and she did not want to upset me. She felt badly that I was hurt, and reassured me that nothing inappropriate was happening. She did agree to limit contact. Well, I guess I’ll see what comes of it. I know he is coming on to her more outwardly. I’m wondering if I need to have a "conversation" with him? I don’t want to let on how much I know right now though. Any suggestions? Thanks for the previous Comments.

Let her handle it...
written by Expert, 28 December, 2006

Our best advice, now that you’ve expressed your feelings to your wife, and she’s responded appropriately – is to let her handle the situation. If you contact him at this point in time, there is no way to predict how he might respond (see Contacting the Other Person). At the very least, he is likely to tell your wife that you contacted him, and she will feel betrayed. You came to her with a problem, but then you didn’t trust her to take care of it? And you never want to do anything that would create a sense that it has turned into a "them" versus "you" type situation. So, again our best advice is to get your wife on your side, by expressing your feelings, and let her take care of the rest. Hope this helps.

written by Chris (Ann Arbor), 22 June, 2007

I don’t mean to automatically generate suspicion... but if there’s one thing I learned, it was that if they know YOU well enough, it’s easy to throw you off their trail, because they will know what would work the best.. The reason I say that is because I’ve been there with my fiance. The cheater tends to get more sophisticated in their concealing of involvement. I was called "paranoid" "insecure" "smothering" and all sorts of things when I started asking questions. I got a huge wall of defensive measures, but no proof to the contrary. It is my unfortunate opinion that the only way to tell is to investigate, all heels, ethical of not... as far as you can possibly go. It may not seem like a trusting activity on your part, but if I see red flags going up, I’d rather see the Dear John letter coming, than to get blindsided by a painful locomotive while my guard is down.

written by Andrew (Indiana), 09 October, 2007

I have had much the same thing happen to me. We had been drifting apart over the past eighteen months and then my wife tracked down an old high school friend and began calling him and he her. They had never been anything but friends however she did have a crush on him in high school. I told them both I did not mind if it was once and awhile so it would not lead into anything more. That was fine to begin with for the first couple of months. Then the phone calls became two to three a week for several months these calls were on her cell phone and they sent pictures also, nothing unusual. When I checked the phone bill and confronted my wife about it and asked her if anything was going on she told me the same thing ??they were just old friends talking about their kids and old times?. She agreed that the number of phone calls broke our agreement and she would stop. This was fine for several weeks then she began text messaging him on her cell phone a lot. Most of this happened when I was asleep because she worked nights and he drove a Semi mostly at night. The text messaging began to be flirtatious ??like they did in high school?. Then one night in September she got out of bed and told me not to go to sleep she would be right back. She didn??t come back for hours so I knew something was wrong. I finally could not take it and got up and checked her phone. She had deleted almost all of her text messages but three when there over one hundred before. I then checked her picture mail and found that she had sent a very explicit picture of herself to him. Needless to say things went bad from there. I am trying to find away to trust her again and her suffering from Bipolar Disorder complicates the events and our healing. She still says that she was not and does not have feelings for him but I can??t believe her on this. I did talk to him and he said the same thing ??I thought we were talking like old friends and kidding around. The picture caught me off guard and did not know what to think of it. I swear I will never talk to your wife again and I am sorry.? I later found out that beginning earlier that day her pictures to him began to be provocative and escalated in their nature to the first one I found which was the most explicit. From my experience if you think something is going one it is at least to some degree if not worse.

written by GoingInsane Aj, 20 February, 2008

I have been gullible my whole "dating" life and throughout my marriage... Just don’t turn a blind eye when all the signs are beating you over the head!

written by Eddie, 02 May, 2008

My wife did not recognize or at least admit that she was having an emotional affair until more than a year after I first confronted her with it. She believed that she was not doing anything wrong. I finally showed her an article I found and she read it. She stopped the contact with this coworker but never really allowed my back into her life. She still believes that the problems in our marriage caused her to have this emotional affair. I feel that until she can fully understand the impact these affairs have, we will never be able to get over it. I love her but feel like I can never trust her again.

written by DK, 06 May, 2008

My ex-husband still doesn’t see he had an emotional affair with a co-worker. Who btw just happened to get divorced right before us and within 6 months they were actually dating? We would have been married 30 years when the divorce happened have grown children and grand children. I always knew in the back of my mind that I was too trusting. It’s been EXTREMELY hard, but I have chosen to not be angry or bitter (although some days I can’t help it) and to be basically friends with him. I decided all the anger and bitterness was just eating at me and not doing anything to him. I blame her as much, if not even more. She crossed lines that as a married woman you do not cross. I told my ex that. He is still clueless. They are both very intelligent people and should have known better. Out of two divorces I feel like I am the only victim. It turns out her ex-husband was having an affair. Even though I have been told there was no affair (physical--the jury is still out on that one as far as I’m concerned), I explained to him that an emoti8onal affair was in some ways more painful. He distanced himself from me emotionally and started sharing things with her instead of me. If it was just sex. that can get old real quick! I told him that you do reap what you sow and there are consequences to your actions.

written by Broken Heart in Georgia, 23 January, 2009

Sounds like I am about to go thru this. We have been together for four years, married almost 1 1/2 years. We started drifting after the marriage. I still love her, but I don’t trust her. She has given me too many reasons. I found her in the car with a guy friend TWICE, SAME DAMN GUY! She claims nothing was going on, but I know better.

Divorce is imminent!

written by James J., 27 March, 2009

I found out that my wife of 15 years was calling a co worker on her cell phone behind my back for several months. I found out by looking at cell phone records. Not knowing I knew she was talking to him, she told me one night that a coworker was fired because he was caught kissing another coworker. I then confronted her and asked her if she had ever called him. She denied calling him several times before I informed her that I saw she had been talking to him from cell records. She couldnt give me an answer why she lied several times. She said she didnt know why she called him. Doing more checking I found out that she had been talking to him for a year behind my back. This same co worker was having problems in his marriage. I confronted her and him and they both said it was as friends. I kept looking at cell records from a year previous and found out that she had been talking to my brother also several times during the day while at work and at night when I wasnt around. Confronted her about this and still she couldnt give an answer why she was calling them. Before finding this looking back she was always gone quite a bit until late. In the 15 years we been married I always trusted my wife, but now I dont know what to think. Not know whether she cheated on me or not most especially one of them being my brother. This has got my emotions going crazy. Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated.

written by Mike Jones, 30 May, 2009

When you have feeling that something is going on, it usually is. Look at all the post here. They all same about the same thing. Its innocent. Its nothing. Were just friends. I’m not a big fan of day time talk shows, but the bald one makes a good point. If you have to hide it, to do it, its cheating. Think about it. My wife hid text messages from me, and said it was innocent. I asked her to text him in front of me, she refused. If it was innocent, she would have. She finally did text message him in front of me, but it was too little too late. the writing is on the wall. We are going to be divorcing real soon. She think she pulled the wool over my eyes. I have been putting back cash, and getting things in order. She will find out real soon. Makes me cringe every time she says, "I LOVE YOU!"

written by Peter Smith, 26 October, 2009

My wife and I have had some issues but after we had separate holidays this year for various reasons, she sent me an email saying she had spent a lovely day with a chap who had offered to drive her back to her friends. After she came home I joked that she had found a ‘Toy Boy’ just to keep things light hearted. I noticed that her phone was beeping with SMS msgs a lot and that she was keeping it very close to her. I eventually got hold of it one day while she was out briefly and saw a whole load of inappropriate msgs from this guy, the strange thing was that she had deleted all the msgs she had sent him. She is away again at the moment and I recently managed to see an email he sent her saying that he couldn’t believe what she had done to him and that the feeling was amazing. He then went on to say that he hoped she didnt regret anything that had happened between them. I asked her on the phone if she had been unfaithful and she denied that, she did say that it was nice for someone to be showing her some interest as I wasn’t. The main reason for that is that she verbally abuses me all the time drinks to excess and has attacked me 3 times. I think divorce is the only solution here.

written by Mike222222222222, 29 October, 2009

To the original poster. RUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!! Don’t walk. Lies are poison...poison there is not a known antidote for. Give her the ultimatum: It is him, or me. Be prepared for a really disheartening answer.

written by timddd, 03 December, 2009

I agree with Mike222... you have to stand up, pay attention and show some backbone. Let your spouse know you know they’re lying and give them an ultimatum. No one wants to be alone, but be prepared for a new start, as you deserve better. I found emails between my wife and another man. Fortunately they weren’t too explicit, or I would have gone insane. But they were enough to know there was more than friendship going on (which I’ve never believed a man and woman can be best friends). I told her it was my way or the highway from now on. She begged me not to leave her. I told her I’d think about it and gave her a number of conditions for staying. When there are kids involved its not so simple to walk away. She is no longer allowed to so much as flirt with another man. If she does, I’m gone...

written by tm1015, 24 December, 2009

my husband has a friend that he met in college recently (went back to get his degree)-- these younger "friends" were texting and calling and it didn’t bother me because I thought it was a study group thing and the women were in relationships. Now, they have all graduated and still one of the women continues to text, and call on a daily basis. I have asked my husband to limit his contact to when I am not around as I don’t feel it appropriate. And the woman or "friend" continues to call no matter what-- we can be away for the weekend and she calls, or late at night, or just to "check in" I told my husband, actually we had a huge fight over this because I think it’s too much-- there is no need for any woman to call him on a daily basis (oh, and let me mention that she only calls when her husband is not around and that my husband does not randomly call her...hmmm)-- the husband has befriended my husband recently, I’m sure to keep the enemy closer as I did at one point) but I had to let my husband know that he has to make a choice and either pick his family or keep his friendship. Or course, he doesn’t like this because he has always gotten his way with me and has a knack for breaking me down. But this time, I’m sticking to my guns and either he chooses us and kicks her to the curb or I’m getting a divorce (which is a hassle)-- his mom called me and said that she wouldn’t let some women ruin her marriage and I said that I’m not that my husband is ruining the marriage with this affair. Am I crazy? I think I have put up with more than enough as this has been going over for 3 years and I need to move on to someone who will be into to me and my family and let him do his thing, right???

written by Hawgklr, 13 January, 2010

It’s glaringly obvious to me... cheating effects nearly everyone at some point in time during a marriage. Once you get past the accusatory fact-finding what course of action you take has consequences. 12yrs ago I had wire-tapped our home phone to prove my wife was cheating... up to that point, she vehemently denied everything! When confronted, she balled and confessed and begged my forgiveness... I forgave her and over time grew more and more in love with her. 2 yrs. ago, at my insistence, she got a job with a major airline... spending days upon days away from home... Yeah, you know where this is going!
Now, not all of us have the strength to call it quits after 20yrs. of marriage... the unfortunate thing is I know my wife is a born cheater. Nothing is ever going to stop her from cheating... given the opportunity.
I have to do it as sad as it is

written by laisan, 17 January, 2010

my husband and I have been married 18yrs. Lots of rocky times as he tells me we shouldn’t have been married and had kids(2) that he didnt want. Fast forward.... Nov trip with the boys golfing haha... He came home and realized that we are living a lie, and either we work on a marriage or the big D word came up. I of course didnt see this coming thinking wow he came home and missed us and that’s why he cried for the first 2 nites home. Dummy me... Well we agreed that I’m not his soulmate or the one that makes he’s heart melt when he see’s me. Is there really soulmates out there?? But we will stay together for the sake of the family and work at a better relationship together. Well it seems like i’ve done more of the changes then him. I just found out today through snooping(oh I know) but he is emailing secretly to a girl he met. She is sending photos of herself and he reply’s Now thats the Beautiful Nicole I know. And how he will try to call her and send up the computer to chat on line and skype each other so he can see her. He can’t wait to go back to meet her again(China). He’s been telling me that he wants to go back(China) to set up business. Ya right business.... 2Yrs ago he had a emotional affair with a 16yrs girl he met(my therapist consider this immature) he’s by the way 44yrs. But apparently she made him feel alive again. What do i do now I don’t want to alarm him that I snooping as i want to find out more with the conversations that there having or is this going to fade way till next time. He tells me he loves me and I’m a good wife and mother...Lost and confused.

written by lyolya, 10 February, 2010

I’ve been married to a passive aggressive man for 3 years. He had an old "friend" from before we got married, and I’m not sure what they had before because everytime I mention it I get a whole different story. So after we got married he kept contact with her, I’ve noticed they’ve been texting quite often and a lot (according to the phone bills) they also exchanged a few phone calls. He hid much of it from me. Then I started confronting him about her because I suspected something more than a friendship cuz after so long she didn’t even consider befriending me after she knew I was his wife. He kept defending her and getting defensive every time I mentioned it. Her and I conversed about it over the phone and text a few times and I told her that it’s too late to be friends (knowing she just wanted to befriend me so she could keep contact with him). After that she started harassing me and I find out he was telling her a lot of our private things cuz she used it against me. Then I started ‘investigating’, I found naked pictures of her on his computer and I BLEW UP!, he brushed it off like it was nothing saying he didn’t see all of them – lies. I blocked her number off his phone a few times but she kept changing it and keeping contact with him. We had so many fights over this! and after all of that he still said they’re just "friends" Last time she contacted him I confronted him about it cuz he hid it from me again, he mentioned divorce for the third time and decided to follow through with it.. AND I’M GLAD! I am so fed up with his lies! How could I have ever trusted him? I still dont understand how people can be just friends and have sex.. how is there nothing wrong with that?

written by Disheartened....., 21 April, 2010

I have much of the same type of scenario as the original poster and found the advice to be exactly what I would naturally do... which I did before ever finding this site. However, unlike the original poster, my wife simply calls me crazy, it’s just friendship, I have nothing to worry about and if I truly trusted her then I wouldn’t want to see her texts between her and her friend... that I would just believe her and not have any second guessing when she tells me there is nothing to worry about. Whatever she says is what she says and I should just accept it and believe it. But all in all, I just can’t! Not when she locks her phone, refuses to show me texts and changes her password on her phone about once a week because she claims when I am next to her I can see what she types in.

written by Old Woman, 12 May, 2010

I think a married man from my church is wanting to start up a emotional affair with me. He seeks me out to talk to me and after church is over, he will wait for me to leave the building to walk to our cars, even with his family waiting at their car for him to show up! I have tried to avoid him, but he keeps showing up next to me. I have even seen him drive past my house when he doesn’t live around my area. When he gets to church he will make a point to say hi and hang around me. Easter Sunday he starts talking to me, I say hi and turn away to end things. He keeps talking walking backwards wishing me a happy Easter and hopes I have a nice day. He acts like a shy school boy with a crush! Which I find strange because he is good looking man with a very pretty wife and a great deal to lose. I’m a overweight grandmother and also married! Tell me what you think? Should I say something or just avoid him as much as I can?

written by Been there done that, 08 November, 2010

A cheater will only admit to the level of hard evidence that is presented to them. Gather all your evidence, hack into her email if you need to, because knowledge is power. The problem is that most cheaters are rather adept at hiding things through multiple email accounts and changing passwords. My wife carried on a four year long e-mail relationship with one of her college boyfriends who after 21 years of no contact whatsoever contacted her one day on Classmates.com. All of a sudden this guy became so important that they exchanged many hundreds of emails about a myriad of topics. She shared most every detail of her life with him, I suspect because this made her feel good about herself and raised her own self-esteem during a time when we were drifting apart after 13 years of marriage. I suspected something was not right with our marriage, and this email relationship with this man was only one of the issues. When I discovered this relationship I read what emails I could and there was no obvious romantic communication but it was subtly in the background. He is married with kids too, and all his emails are sent from his work (he lives on the east coast and stays late at work to email my wife, who is on the west coast) I confronted her and got the standard "we are just friends" response but I demanded she cease all contact with him immediately and work on OUR marriage as opposed to her "friendship" with this man. She became defensive and stated it was my problem not hers, and she continued the contact will one day I called the guy myself and asked him to stop emailing, and told him their "relationship" was now over. She has still tried to send him email, I’m not sure if he’s replied, but now I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m going to be more prepared this time with more evidence then it’s off to divorce court. Oh, and I’m also going to send his wife copies of the e-mails I do have so she is informed.

written by shell_of_a_man, 09 November, 2010

My wife and I have been together for 16 years and married for 11 years. We have 2 wonderful boys at a young age at which both of whom excel in academics, athletics, and looks. I have sacrificed a lot for her and when she wanted to buy a company, I volunteered and quit my dream job and took over the company with no prior knowledge of the industry or of running a business. A year later, our home was flooded by a hurricane and we lost everything. She lost her job making very good money and went into a downward spiral. I stayed by her side and never wavered. I decided that I had to take the bull by the horns and that I would repair the home myself. Minimal time focused on the company combined with a depleted economy, now the business is on the brink of being dissolved. Maybe I haven’t been very jolly as of late, and I may have gone out to a local establishment until 2:00am after a big fight twice in the past 3 months, but when I did so, she decided to contact an old ex-lover. I had no idea what was going on but I did notice that she would not be in the same room as the family. Last night I caught her on the couch texting someone on her phone and she would not let me see it. She ran into the bathroom and erased the texts. I had no idea this had been going on and I could not sleep all night. She had passed out on the couch and I was able to pry the cell phone from her hands. The jerk texted saying that "he loved her too". I tried to egg the conversation on in her stead but he remained silent. I confronted her at 5:00am and she did not want to admit it. I logged into my cell phone account online and was able to see all of the incoming and outgoing calls to his number. She blamed me for not being affectionate to her, but I have so many bigger problems right now, like paying the electric bill. She is SO selfish for doing this to our 2 beautiful boys. I have packed up and moved into my big crew cab truck for now. I am continuing to monitor to excessive phone calls on our account in real time. The trust is gone forever and I am afraid that after many setbacks in the last 3 years, I am left merely a shell of a man with no means to get a divorce or an alternate dwelling. Who knows what the future holds, but I feel I have no direction to go but up.

written by destroyed, 09 December, 2010

well I have been going through a hell of a lot in my life over the last 2 years, our son has been taking drugs and pretty much going off the rails, so I intervened in the last 4 months and have sent my son away to America, I recently picked him up with my wife in Vegas and he has began to become this great young man I always new he would become, we have now sent him to a Boarding School on his request so he can further his studies and get his life further in order,I am so pleased my son is happy and positive once again. So that is in short where it began 2 years ago, my wife and I were under immense pressure and stress as we also have to other wonderful children that we had to stay positive and focused during the tough times with our eldest, but during the last 12 months when our son was getting a little out of hand my wife and i began arguing much more etc, my wife went away to conference in May this year and when she returned she began complaining about me of not giving her love etc etc, I kept explaining to her that after 23 years our relationship is strong and I thought it was, but while our son was going through his challenges I put in all my energy to ensure I did not get the call that every parent dont want, I told my wife I was stressed and withdrawn due to our son and to hang in there, but she still complained about me and started the normal signs of what I dont do etc, eventually once I knew my son was getting on track I then decided to go on a health retreat and clear my head and make sure I was good to go and put more energy back into my marriage as my wifes constant complaints about me, got me concerned as she started saying if I dont give he more love and support she was going to leave me, that she didnt think my ideas fitted into her ideas for the future, ( let me say I loved my wife supported her listened to her, 85% of the time, but it seemed no matter what I did I was not good enough, and she seemed very selfish while our son was going through what he was, anyhow I am at the health retreat feeling excited and sending lovingly texts to my wife and she was sending them to me, but then about 4 days into my retreat she rings me and says she played up the night before with another man, the worst thing is my work associates seen this etc, anyhow initially I was confused but again I thought this is my fault, so over the last 2 months I have been treating her like a princess and we both seemed happy that our relationship had survived, but last night I go home from work, and I find she had left her email open on the home computer as she had to rush out, I was not snooping but they it was an email from a guy with several other correspondences from her and he over a period,my heart sunk this guy she had met at the conference in May and after me confronting her last night she said they had small thing a bit of kissing only, and they have just been corresponding, but after reading the emails it seems she has been having an emotional affair with him all along,and reading his email he was wanting to get in her pants and she knew it, but still corresponded with him, anyhow I lost the plot last night and walked out as I feel so betrayed and now I know while we were as a family going through so much with our eldest son, she was complaining to me about how unloving I was, all along she was covering her guilt and blaming me to justify her actions, the thing is I love her plenty, but this has seriously hurt me and I dont think I could ever forgive her, as I have forgiven her before, trust is the cornerstone of all relationships and I feel this will be hard to get back, I have moved to my office for a while to clear my head, she has been pleading with me and apologizing etc, but I think I have had enough of her putting me down, when I know I am a good husband and father, i particularly dont want to throw away 23 years together and 20 years of marriage, but not sure what to do???

written by DrMoose, 21 March, 2011

Similar situation for me.

One of my long time friends began speaking to my fiancée a while ago. At first I thought it was nothing just that they hadn’t seen or spoke to one another properly before. Next thing I know i’m being completely frozen out and all she would talk about is him, and how cool he was and that he’s exciting. I’ve never ignored her, always tried to show her how I feel about her (I would walk over hot coals for her), I take us out for meals, randomly go to the cinema, bring home flowers unexpectedly, make sure she has a hot meal when she comes home from work etc. But it was like I didn’t even matter, that she was just using me so she didn’t have to live on her own. eventually it came to a point when i came home from playing a gig (i’m a semi pro bassist) at 2.30am to find him still here watching trv cuddled up to her while she was in her pajama top with no bra on and just knickers on the bottom half. he looked guilty as hell. when i asked her about it she said not to worry as he is bi and she brings out the girly side in him. sorry don’t by it when he’s sat there with a boner. i asked her if she still loved me and wanted to get married (she said yes) but when i asked her if she had feelings for him she went bright red and wouldn’t look me in the eye. I love her to bits and don’t want to lose her, but i don’t think i can ever truly trust her.

written by pain, 19 May, 2011

I have a partner of 15years. 2 children. I had always trusted him 100%. Never doubted he would ever cheat as he had always been my rock my best friend and my soul mate. 3 Months ago I was looking for something in my kitchen when I found hidden on the top of the cupboards 2 condoms. I immediately got on the phone to him which I regret now. He come home there was a huge fight. To where he walked out. He came back has denied even seeing the condoms in his life and that he knows nothing of them and of course that he would never cheat on me. Since this find of the condoms my life has become hell and suicidal at times. I tried to tell myself the to get over it as he is always with me but then I started to question his work, his phone, his whole life with me. Previous to this I found out he had been on sex sites with webcams this nearly killed me to as that to me is cheating. I love him very much but hes treat me so bad cause of my jealousy and paranoia. As I feel worthy of nothing anymore and very insecure. We had a big row as I asked him to start to at least text me from work to which he said he shouldn’t have to as he’s at work busy all day. I ended up packing my bag for the first time to leave him. Icome back to the house 1 hour later to find him on the laptop again I can’t recover history as he deletes it but I know he’s been on the webcams sex sites. I need to know should this bother me I know it does. But is this enough to split up after being together 15yrs with 2 young boys to bring up. I feel still attractive and get dressed up for him to make him happy but obviously if he’s going on internet sex does that mean he finds me useless. Please help me someone x

written by nickohlie, 05 September, 2011

If you suspect, there is a good chance something is going on. I think spying on her as much as you can and nip it in the bud as soon as possible. It can be fixed for sure if you are willing to change your ways and if she is doing it for reasons that can be fixable. I would like to offer a more positive personal story. Much of what I am reading here is similar to what happened to me. I was blindsided. My wife would be on the phone for long hours with a guy she met at a bar (when she was supposedly out with the just "girls") while I was sleeping. It was innocent enough initially, but she did gave many guys her phone number wshen they pressed her for it. Her argument to me to was they were relentless and that is how she got them to leave her alone (whatever!). As her conversations with this one particular guy increased, she got bolder and also got more impatient with me whenever I had issues with her going out and told me she needed a life after 16 years of looking after kids. Anyway one day he came over to our house while I was away at at an office function. She was to meet me later as she had another function to attend supposedly. He came over to give her some brownies which he had bought specially for her and family (I like that line) to try, but it led to a kiss and obviously a good one based on her text messages back to him. How did I read this? She had gone out the next night again on a "girls" night and returned quite drunk and forgot to delete her text messages from the day before. He did not go out with them that night fortunately for me. I knew that from the text messages she sent to him. I read them and discovered the kiss as well as her telling him she longed to kiss him again. It was well on its way to major disaster. I am so glad I read the SMSs. So any of you who feel you should not spy, do it immediately if you suspect. She was not in a position to deny it when I confronted her. She told me she did not love him, but she enjoyed talking to him because he listened to her. I confronted him, he agreed to meet me and he indicated he was not going to call her again but would respond if she contacted him. I was very lucky that he was willing to cooperate. I monitored her phone after that. More importantly, I looked within myself and tried to figure out why she needed to do this. She didn’t know for sure herself why she was drawn to this new life but it boiled down to the fact that she was craving attention from someone. Probably anyone who could communicate nicely with her. I was too busy. She was bored and felt unloved. I decided if I wanted to keep her, I had to change. I had to become the man she kissed (the man I was when she fell in love with me). I needed to ask her about her day; I needed to tell her she was beautiful not just feel it and say nothing; I needed to listen to her when she spoke; I needed to notice when she had her hair done; I had to stop having meetings in the evening every day; I had to leave my laptop at work. It has been 9 months since and we are more in love than we have ever been before in our 18 years of marriage. I have changed my focus to my wife and see her in a completely different light. I left the monitoring software on though for some time (yes its bad, but I needed to know for sure) and checked it from time to time. There was one exchange. He SMS’d her a couple of months later saying "Hi how are you, this is "so and so" and sorry if this gets you in trouble but I wanted to say HI". She responded a few days later as follows: "Hi, I got your sms and we need to talk". He said fine right away. She said, "Why are you SMSing me when you promised you never would". He claimed he was just calling to say hello. She said "not good enough". He then got defensive and asked her to SMS him again when he had more time to speak.

written by nickohlie, 05 September, 2011

continued..
At this time I was feeling that our relationship was better than ever (except for my mistrust issues with the monitoring). I checked her phone and noticed she had deleted the conversation. I asked her casually and innocently if he had tried to contact her and she said he hadn’t. This obviously got me very angry that she lied to me and seemed to be protecting him, but she didn’t do anything wrong in her response to him. Also who was I to talk as I was spying. I let it go as part of the marriage repair and waited to see if that was it. A week went by and still no contact. Then I noticed she sent an SMS to him saying that she was not impressed that he has tried to contact her and that he should never contact her again and let us get on with our lives. I figured she did not not want to upset me any more by telling me about the SMS exchange and decided to deal with it herself and delete the conversation. Again our relationship is still fantastic and better than ever. I still have the betrayal issues to get over still, but I truly believe that in order to get here, something like this had to happen to wake me up. One can never get the good if we didn’t have something bad enough to turn the charge back on and bring it back to life. One get complacent and comfortable with a mediocre marriage and we don’t even know it has happened. I can now express my self better, and not shy to express myself about things I like and don’t like. My wife responds well to me when I express my feelings and not be wishy washy.
Bottom line it takes some time to get the trust back. Having monitoring software helps to get the trust back because it helps you not to go crazy with speculation and worry. I am sure some would ague against this tactic. Now after 9 months, I let the monitoring software contract expire and my relationship is beautiful, fun, exciting and more sexual than in the last 16 years.

written by alouise, 04 November, 2011

I believe the advice given to this poster by the website is completely wrong. You have discovered inappropriate behavior which your wife is implicitly condoning by allowing. Marriages are a partnership, the maintenance and protection of which are the responsibility of both parties. If one is failing in that (and allowing someone outside the marriage to engage in inappropriate behavior is a bit-time fail) then a stronger conversation needs to take place.

There is trusting...when there is reason to trust, and then there is sticking your head in the sand, which is basically what the "experts" are advising. I vehemently disagree.

written by EliGfgrl, 14 November, 2011

Well, I’m a wife, who is thinking about an affair. My husband also thinking that our relationship is perfect, even I’ve tried to talk and tell him that I need him and his attention, just feel that he is a man, who loves me and want me, but it’s still the same and I ‘m not sure that ever will change. I’m very good looking girl, What should I do? I’d like to feel a woman, not a roommate. Guys, just try to pay more attention to your wife, it’s the main reason why she want to communicate with old friend etc. Just feel excited about each other.

written by McgowanCora, 21 December, 2011

Houses and cars are not very cheap and not everyone is able to buy it. However, personal loans was invented to help different people in such cases.

written by DEP, 06 January, 2012

All threads seem consistent... where there is smoke there is fire. And most likely each of us in the beginning do not want to believe it. Thats why we have to prove it to ourselves. None of us want to overreact, be controlling, or invasive, but neither do we want to be lied to and cheated out of our happiness. My question is, since you get no confirmation from the other partner, where do you draw the line, when does it cross the line and constitute cheating. My wife and I have trust issues with each other, 2nd marriage for each. I recently discovered that she has been contacting her ex over the last 6 months. When paying the cell bill this week I saw she had a 2 1/2 hour phone call with him on Tuesday, this of course was proceeded with a series of emails I read (unknown to her)coordinating the call, and her giving him a "safe" time to call. When I pulled up the call records (she deletes everything from her phone)from the billing site, I found the 83 minute and 57 minute back to back calls. As I dug deeper I also found record of text messages from Dec 24 though Jan 3 leading up to the call. (no data available, as she deletes these too)

When I confronted her about the calls she denied talking to him, finally she admitted she had just replied to his Happy New Year wish. I asked if she was in touch with him via emails and she denied that as well. She does not know that I know better, and do not want to tip my hat, however, now she deletes all her emails including the trash folder.

I’m not ready to end my 2nd marriage but neither can I live with the lies and deceit. How do we re-establish trust?

written by Olderbutwiser, 27 January, 2012

To DEP. It’s difficult to accept, even when the facts are right there for you to see. Your wife is most certainly cheating. I am sorry for all of us lost souls on this site reading each others stories, trying to find answers. Particularly with second marriages, you want to believe it is your second chance for happiness and that you’ve learned from past mistakes and you’re full of hope! A failed second marriage feels, well, just like failure. Deceit from a loved one is a terrible burden- makes you question everything. Who can you trust? As sad as it is, I would rather divorce again,than live with a partner who is deceitful. It destroys you, and why wait another 5 years or so. The behavior is not likely to change. Good luck to you.

written by 1badss, 15 February, 2012

I recently was told by my wife of 17yrs that she needs counseling cause she feels like we are just friends. My wife is the most trustworthy person but this struck me off guard. I work alot at a job and at home. I stay busy and dont show her enough attention for sure. We have 2 teenage kids. I started having suspicions and started checking call logs. She had put a security code on her phone so I couldnt check it but my daughter logged on for me after I woke her early in the AM. I seen a weird number that didnt have a name. I looked on my call logs on my cell bill and this has been going on since last month, 8 days after our anninversary and 1 day before my birthday. What a present. I had the worst gut feeling and didnt know how to confront her. I finally didnt want to make any accusations so I called the number and just asked who it was. he didnt give me a name but I approached him as being in construction and said someone gave me his number. It just so happens he said he was in that business. I asked him about work and he said his name was clifford. So as the day went on I called him back after it ate at me and told him that my wife reffered him for the work. He had no recollection of her and didnt have a clue who she was. i investigate facebook to see if he was a friend on there and nothing. I called her and she didnt answer. After a firm text she finally called back. said its an old friend from school, he is married and he talks to him and her wife. Clifford isnt his name but she wont give me his name due to fear of me defacing him on facebook cause he is one of her friends. I text him back and forth and told him to never contact my wife and he denies knowing her. She has changed her facebook and email passwords. I want to clear the air and make her give me his name and want to get her email passwords so i can monitor it. is that too much to ask. Would I be in the wrong. I planned a romantic getaway for this weekend and need to know to be trustworthy again but too many signs are saying something different. Should I make her stop all contact with this person.
We had a talk last night and she also told me he wasnt actually married so that was another cover up lie.

Rewind back 8yrs and we seperated because I left and I wasnt happy. When I moved back in I had met someone at a hypnosis show (Anthony Cools), we were both on stage and my uncle got a copy of the video tape. This girl wanted to see the tape so I got her number and told her I would get it to her. We had actually went to church together as kids so it seamed harmless. We talked a couple times and I met her for dinner and went to her and her friends apartment(of course I didnt tell my wife) After the tape was over the girl reached over and planted a kiss. Well nothing happened, she apologized for doing that and I left. The next day she sent an email apologizing for doing it. I responded wih thats ok and siad I kinda enjoyed (being as nothing was happeneing at home but still wrong) but that was it. She was a wild girl who would call and say I was like her besty and tell me about screwing guys etc... Well my wife has had a problem since the split 8yrs ago and not sure what todo. I know how she felt know because I have never had a insecure day with her in 17yrs but now I do. She is the last to cheat by far but this insecurity is killing me. Would I be wrong to demand her passwords, and ask that she stop talking to her "friend"

Thanks in advance for the help

written by HuffGay, 19 August, 2012

Houses are expensive and not every person is able to buy it. Nevertheless, loan was created to aid different people in such kind of situations.

written by SmallPatrica, 15 October, 2012

Don’t have enough money to buy a car? You not have to worry, just because it’s available to get the personal loans to work out such problems. Therefore get a short term loan to buy everything you require.