Past Comments – I want to snoop because my husband seems attracted to someone

written by Guest, 02 June, 2006

Your story sounds familiar. My boyfriend of 9yrs, has a similar "friend" and I’m also doing the snooping. I was married for 11 yrs before him, and 13yrs before that. I have to have fidelity in my relationships, but from what I’ve seen and experienced men just can’t keep their "head" in the right place. I suggest you continue your quest and accept the good relationship you have, the grass is not greener on the other side. I don’t know about you but I’m 51yrs and don’t want to date and get to know another man who might be even worse.

written by Nan51, 07 December, 2007

There is too much going on that is not truthful for you to ignore. You should have had better advise than what you received. Go to a counselor because this constant lying or omission of truths to you is not good for you. Forget the ethics of spying and what it will do to your relationship. You need to support yourself emotionally. Be truthful to yourself. Only you can be honest with you as he will not be. Either he is innocent and immature in handling his problems or he is using deceit on you. You know you are being swindled somewhere either through his innocence or his lying. If he has cheated in a previous marriage and if there is a pattern of cheating in his family, like alcoholism, it runs in families. This is something for you to see clearly. Don’t let the love go between you by pounding yourself over the head for challenging questioning him, pondering what his motives may be or may not be. Support yourself emotionally. Stand on your bridge and stay there. You know his activities do not add up to you. It is your problem to deal with as he does not have a problem with all of this. Love, respect yourself enough to go ahead and get professionally counseling to clarify confusing that is now swirling in your very life. You need to settle this withing yourself. Even if you did not snoop you have enough of information you are not feeling good with. There is hiding going on. You maybe hiding from the truth that is yours to have. You are seeing straight, you are feeling straight, you are capable and competent in all other aspects of you life. Why the sudden confusion here? Protect your inner self and say to yourself – I will look after you and I will provide for your needs. This could last for years. Even is all of this stops and he goes back to his who you knew him to be, this will play on your mind for years to come. Do yourself a wondrous favor, don’t fool yourself. Get some help. When you garden you need tools to plant flowers. When you have a problem you need tools to resolve them. Get more tools in your shed. When was the last time he was the man you knew him to before the diamond receipts, the hidden medication. You can only get the truth for yourself because trying to get the truth that you want from him will not satisfy you. You need to get your own. I have been all through this and know now after many years of sadness and frustration, it is only you that you can work with in this. Lying and hiding are very powerful tools that create warfare in our minds. Especially when we are dong this to our very own selves.

written by LIMES, 22 February, 2008

I must say: I am a snoop (when necessary) and I do not apologize for it or accept the ‘turn around’ of my bf to say ‘how dare you.’ I snooped when something felt off, I found something that, whilst relatively benign in the grand scheme of things, was still inappropriate and maddening. I confronted him, saying ‘so, I snooped because I felt there was something going on I needed to know about, and obviously I was write. so...what about this stupid email...’

And I find that being honest in every other way in a relationship, if you snoop a little, and are honest about it...so what? The bottom line is, my bf can absolutely look in my phone, in my email, in my facebook, whatever. Because I have nothing to hide.

I expect the same from him.

And if I ever find anything remotely serious, I will dump him in 2 seconds and not look back.

With that said, I am not a constant snooper and would not advocate being one, as it will make you feel crazy.

I will trust him, because now we’re perfectly clear where the other stands in terms of what is acceptable behavior. A little flirting is no big deal to me. Start up a female friendship, email with a girl often, facebook with a girl often-- I don’t need to wait around for anything further to develop. I’ll be out the door!

written by MiMi, 06 January, 2009

The lack of sex in the relationship while the ED meds are being refilled are significant red flags. I keep getting the feeling that the expert advice is to turn a blind eye because snooping is wrong. So is getting an STD because you didn’t pay attention to the glaring evidence that something is seriously wrong.

Being a good guy/gal in every other respect in a marriage except fidelity doesn’t seem like a solid trade-off. You don’t get to play around on the side because you are otherwise a good spouse. That defeats the purpose of marriage.

Extramarital affairs threaten more than just marital bliss. It threatens a person’s health.

That said, people with ED can develop issues about love-making because they have certain beliefs about what makes a man a man. They can shy away from it even with medication. And there’s no saying that he’s not using it in conjunction with the porn. It is just that with porn there’s nobody judging his performance. At the same time, if perchance this is the case, he is not helping himself by avoiding marital intimacy. All told, this guy doesn’t seem like he’s being honest. The question is what he’s being dishonest about.

If the marriage ends over trust, it will not be because she is a naturally and unreasonably suspicious person. It will be because he is behaving in ways that run counter to establishing trust. Seems to me that he needs to decide how important his marriage is and to work on these issues as well.

written by Fear Begat Fear, 17 January, 2009

His actions have consequences. I agree with those who advise you to acquire tools and be ready to find out the worst. He’s not behaving in a loving manner. The more he gets away with, the worse he will behave. He is sleeping around and lying to you about that and the prescriptions. You’re married to a liar. You don’t deserve that. Fix him or work towards getting out. Not all men are liars, and no matter what your age, you shouldn’t fear losing a pathetic, lying loser. I know several couples who found each other after retirement, and are experiencing relationship bliss for the first time in their lives.

written by Boo, 10 March, 2010

Ok stop the madness. If you feel it and you see how he acts then its pretty much a done deal. My husband has his ex number in his phone and she texted him to say happy birthday and then she wrote luz (her name) and now he’s trying to say it was nothing. Well we don’t have sex, he always going to his mother house, yeh right and she had the nerve to say that they have been friends for twenty years so to me she’s saying and we will continue to be....I am trying to find me a divorce lawyer as I type because he is busted........