I am upset by my girlfriend’s text messaging

I’m having some problems with trust in my relationship.

I am 30 years old and am in a relationship with a 25 year old woman. We have been together for almost exactly a year, actually the main problem I will talk about happened the day before our 1 year anniversary.

We have been living together for the last 6 months and recently moved into a new house together. I proposed to her approx. 3 months ago but no date for marriage has been set, yet we have talked about getting married many times.

My situation is I have trust issues, I read her IMs and I have read her text msgs on her phone in the past. I get upset when I see some of the things she says to men and men say to her.

I am sure she isn’t cheating and has no intention to do so but my insecurity won’t let me process that in the heat of the moment. I do trust her, with my life I would, but sometimes I get nervous and slip.

Does anyone have advice in how to deal with trust issues and also how I can show that I truly do trust her?

Response:

Are your issues with trust relatively new or is this something that you’ve experienced in your prior relationships as well?

By nature, some people are prone to be less trusting (see attachment styles). If you have a dismissing or anxious style of attachment, this can be a difficult problem to resolve.

It usually requires dating a partner who is very understanding and is willing to consistently provide reassurance (see how to deal with an insecure partner). Few people, however, have the patience required to deal with an anxious and insecure lover.

Depending on the severity of the problem, counseling is often needed to help people learn how to deal with these types of issues (see emotional support).

On the other hand, if your issues of trust are situational in nature, they stem from your reading of your girlfriend’s text messages, then the solution to the problem is a little easier to resolve.

First, it may help to keep in mind that some people are more extroverted by nature. Flirting with others can simply be a part of one’s personality. And just because someone flirts, does not necessary mean that there is any sexual intent underlying their actions. For some people, flirting is natural and harmless (see flirting).

Second, if your girlfriend’s flirtatious behavior upsets you, talk to her about it in such a way that makes you feel understood without trying to control her behavior (see talk about problems). If you can do this, your feelings will have less of a negative impact on your relationship.

Finally, try to resist your urge to snoop. Try focusing on the positive aspects of your relationship without looking for reasons to be upset. If you look hard enough, you can always find something that will bother you.

So, if you find you’re tempted to snoop, stop yourself and make a list of all of the positive things you like about your girlfriend. Do this consistently, and the urge to snoop should fade over time.

 emails | girlfriend flirts | snooping | text messages | trust issues

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