I want to snoop because my husband seems attracted to someone

I have been married for 5 1/2 yrs and feel I have a fairly solid relationship, except that I feel that my husband is emotionally attached to another woman.

Approximately 2 years ago, he lent a female at work $300.00 by taking the money from a credit card. Since I handle all the bills, he mentioned this only when the bill came due. The next day, he came home with three fresh, crisp, $100 bills saying that she had paid this back.

About 1 yr later, I found a receipt for diamond earrings. I confronted him and he said they were for me (he had already bought some for me). Then I found a receipt for a diamond pendant that was returned to buy my real gift, but not one for the earrings.

I then turned into the snoop. We like to gamble and I have found out that he hides winnings from me. And he has an erectile dysfunction (ED) problem that has progressively become worse and must now use a prescription for lovemaking. But he has been hiding these pills and has carried one in his suit pocket for quite a while (which has disappeared).

Meanwhile, our intimate moments have become extremely rare (maybe once every 3-4 months) and he claims he has no desire and doesn’t think about it but he still watches porn when I am not at home.

The problem has re-surfaced because he refilled his ED prescription in January without telling me, but I saw them is his toiletry drawer. I did not mention this nor did he want any sex in that time. In February, I found another prescription in his auto when we were going out. He swore up and down that this was so that he could surprise me when he got home from work (i.e.: not planned) and I let this go but didn’t quite believe him. So I phone the automated prescription # and found that he had ordered a 3rd set 1 week later. I confronted him on this also and he said he had called but only to find out why only 3 refills were available. He said he didn’t know why they refilled. Not a very good story.

But back to the girl... he works with her, has her number in his cell phone and has found excuses to leave the house to call her. He says they are just friends and originally he suggested that we should meet but has never brought this up again. Meanwhile, as a pre-caution I must assume, he has deleted her name and phone number from his phone list but I have a feeling he is just erasing their phone calls. Yesterday, I found that he had set up a new e-mail account that he did not mention, once again.

I am thinking that I should set up e-mail surveillance, but am unsure whether to cross this line. My husband is home every night, calls to check in if he is out, calls me during the day to check in, and in most ways is a loving, caring person. He is also very charismatic and charming and I know he cheated in his 1st marriage but so did his ex-wife.

Am I nuts to think about doing this or is it a reasonable alternative to my nagging doubts about his fidelity?

By the way, thanks for having a site where people can ask, talk and ponder their relationships and their ways.


This is a very difficult question to answer.

On one hand, it sounds like you are relatively happy with your marriage, despite some misgivings. And, in reality, no relationship is perfect. Many people have made themselves (and their spouses) miserable trying to pursue an idealistic notion of love and romance, which does not exist. If you are happy, why go looking for trouble?

But, on the other hand, trust is critical in any close relationship and you have some legitimate doubts.

If you snoop, however, are you prepared to deal with what you might discover? Suspicion can be difficult to live with, but sometimes the truth is even more painful to endure (see consequences of detecting deception).

And in the best case scenario, let’s say you discover that your husband has been faithful. How will you feel knowing that you’ve invaded his privacy? And how will this affect your relationship? Again, there are no easy answers (see ethical to spy on a spouse).

So, our best advice is to talk to someone you trust, perhaps even a counselor, before you act. Being able to talk about such dilemmas often helps put things into perspective. And if you do decide to snoop, it helps to have someone prepared to help you deal with the possible consequences before they arise (see emotional support).

We wish we had better advice and wish you the best of luck.

 emails | no sex life | snooping | suspect cheating

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