My wife is in love with another man, but she does not know what to do
My wife says she loves another man and I am devastated, but she says she wants to work things out with me. Twice now she has been caught out with the same guy from work. The first time she came clean, but only because his wife found out and tracked her down online. It took me some time to get over and start rebuilding trust in her again, but recently I found messages in her phone between them where she was saying if he was ready to jump (from his wife and kids) she would be waiting with open arms. The first time I really found it difficult, but this time is really something else.
She says it never progressed past a kiss, but not only does this mean I don’t want to kiss her any more, how do I trust that this is the case? I don’t think I can trust her at all any more, especially as she has never admitted anything she didn’t have to. She never owned up to any of it until it was coming out anyway.
We’ve only been married less than two years, but together for over 8. We have two sons, one from a previous relationship of hers and one 3 year old.
I don’t know what to do. She is pushing me to tell her what I want, but I don’t know what I want.
When I first found out, I asked her what she would do if he left his wife, and she said she didn’t know, as she hadn’t thought about it, though she says she never planned to leave me.
I don’t understand, and I don’t know if I can live with it all.
Response:
Relationships are built on trust. Without trust, it is impossible to feel close, loved and cared for – important things to have in any romantic relationship (see healthy relationships).
Unfortunately, your wife did not come clean until her indiscretions were discovered. And she continued to engage the other man, even suggesting that she was willing to leave you for him, and failed to disclose this to you.
While it is possible for people to love more than one person at a time, eventually people need to make a decision. Your wife should either try to work things out with you or start a new life with the other man. Based on your question, it does not seem that your wife is trying very hard to repair your relationship. She continues to have contact with the other man, expresses interest in being with him, and forces you to decide how to resolve this issue. When people have mixed feelings and are unsure what to do, they often play both sides of the fence – such as pursuing a relationship with him while putting the onus of fixing the relationship on you. Your wife appears to be taking the easy way out – forcing others to make decisions.
There is not much you can do to change your wife’s behavior. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and only one person acting selfishly to make a relationship fail.
While you cannot control your wife’s behavior, you can control your own actions. Do you want to be with someone who treats you like this? Do you feel good about how you are being treated? Is it in your best interest to let this type of behavior continue? Do you want to be with someone who is ambivalent about being with you?
In the long run, relationships work best when two individuals’ mutual interests align – both people want the same thing. There is little point in being in a relationship where your self-interest deviates from your wife’s self-interest. While it can be painful to end a relationship, in some instances, it is a smart move to make and has the potential to bring you long-term happiness.
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