Thinking about screwing up a lot of people’s lives for the chance of experiencing love

I have been married to my husband for 9 years, together for 13. We have 2 beautiful girls and (what I thought) was a happy marriage.

Since we've been together so long his friends have become my friends. So, we have a couple that we see quite frequently. The husband is my husband's best friend of almost 20 years and his wife and I have b become close. She is a wonderful person.

A couple of years ago said friend and I shared a drunken kiss. I decided to come clean to my husband and him to his wife. They forgave us and things eventually got back to normal.

Well fast-forward and it's happened again. We discussed it and both admitted that there are strong feelings between us. During that same conversation we basically decided that feelings or not, we cannot act on then again.

But I can't stop thinking about him and according to him, he feels the same. This isn't just our marriages that are in jeopardy, but many friendships including the ones shared by our children. I want to do what is right but I can't stop thinking that we get one life. What if we miss our chance at a true love? I've got some health issues that have put my very existence into question.

I feel like an absolute horrible person, but at the same time. I can't stop these feelings.

Response:

Situations like this can be very difficult to manage. When your emotions run counter to what you know is wise and logical it can lead to a lot of turmoil.

When you first met your husband, did you fall in love with him? And with the passage of time, did your passion fade and turn into a warm and compassionate love? This is how love normally plays out.

It can be difficult to maintain passionate love for a spouse over the course of time and it’s very easy to have feelings of passion for someone else (especially, when they are close, but just out of reach – you don’t get to be intimate with him and spend countless hours alone).

If all of this resonates with you, you should probably listen to your head and not your heart. If you take a chance and try to bring passion back into your life, you’ll definitely hurt a lot of people you care about. And in the long run, that passion you feel for your husband’s friend will also fade with time. That’s just the way that love and passion work.

Our best advice is to do something new and exciting with your husband – something novel and outside your comfort zone. Doing so can bring back some excitement to your marriage and help you get your mind off of your husband’s (and your) friend.

 loss of passion

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