Past Comments – I am in a loveless marriage and I have feelings for someone else

The grass is always greener
written by Nancy12, 30 January, 2007

I wonder if you have thought about whether your wife is happy with you? Do you know what her needs are? Do you care? Of course you connect with the other woman, if she works with you, you must be spending a lot of time "seeing" her. Then when you talk, you say you "connect", well you are hardly going to talk about emptying the garbage or some other mundane topic. What I am trying to say is, why haven’t you made love to your wife in over a year? Why don’t you talk to her the same way as you do this other woman? If you have tried all of these things and your wife has not responded, then I am sorry, perhaps it is time to end the marriage, but, talking from the point of view of a woman who was treated in exactly the same way by her husband, I can tell you that in a lot of cases, the husband just lost interest in the wife and wants to try his luck with someone new.

update
written by heartsick, 01 February, 2007

I hear what you are saying and it isn’t that much like you think. I don’t see this other person that often at work and I really don’t know her that well. At an emotional level I just feel right and safe around her in a way I have never felt with my wife (or really anyone).

I ended up speaking to my wife about this. We are now talking and connecting more than we ever have -- once we both agreed a divorce was what we wanted. We both feel we are better friends than spouses and that we are too much alike in a way that causes us not to complement each other and fit together as spouses. Sort of like the way two like poles of different magnets will oppose each other but unalike poles attract. We both are sad and feel good to have known each other and we will continue to care about each other. We also feel both of us will probably be better off and if it proves that we end up coming back together we will do so knowing we were wrong to think we weren’t right for each other. At first she got accusational and asked if I was having an affair but I explained I really barely know this woman and while I didn’t want to get to know her better behind her back, I could see that possibly happening if I wasn’t honest and it turned out this woman was as attracted to me as I am to her. We both agree that my interest in this woman is a symptom and not the cause of our marital drift.

It is interesting how much more vulnerable it makes me to be interested in this other person and not be in a relationship anymore. I realize a lot of my craziness for this woman has been imagination based on a special attraction I feel for her on several levels. I have talked to her and I think she likes me too but I am also afraid I may end up rejected.

Either way, i realize being divorced is something that is right for me at this time. I need to re-connect with myself and get out of the emotional dishonesty I had fallen in where I pretended I was okay but was very unhappy inside and felt discarded. My wife and I plan to stay in the house together till it sells then she will move to where she has a support network of family and friends while I’ll remain in this area and find an apartment.

What makes me feel good is that wife and I now are connecting and talking more than we ever have. I hope this other person and I become friends, but I am not sure how to read her lately. maybe I shouldn’t have told her so soon I was getting a divorce and that I would like to get to know her better. But at least for once in a long time I was honest and asked for what I wanted. If I don’t get it at least I tried and at least I am growing.

Feedback?

true
written by beyza, 01 February, 2007

Lack of communication is the ultimate culprit in destroying any relationship. Why not try to rekindle he feelings you have had with your wife prior to tying the knot? Set a date and pretend she is he other woman. I know it sounds cheesy however it is evident that you still have some feelings towards your spouse if you do not want to break her heart by telling her about your "friend." Sometimes we all feel like throwing the towel but then our spouse/partner does something or says something that reminds us that he/she is someone special. You took the time to get to know them, fell in love had a family. you connected. Why? What bonded you with her? If you try and she is still giving you the cold shoulder, tell her that there is more to marriage then just sharing the same bed. Love, respect and trust are the key elements, and when you loose one the rest just follows.

i am in a similar situation but is the other way a
written by jayjb2000, 22 February, 2007

My wife found this old friend from school whom she hadn’t seen for ten years all of a sudden he’s texting her messages on her phone and twice I found them. He wanted to know whether falling in love with her would destroy her relationship. I told her this sort of friendship is dangerous to our relationship she promised to stop seeing him, but she secretly goes to see him where he works. The more time she spends with him the further apart we drift.

written by The Quiet Man, 21 September, 2007

My wife seems to think chores and work are the end all to everything. I thought I was fortunate that my day off was a school day and that my wife and i would be able to be alone and re-connect. I was wrong. She does nothing but make work and is always to busy and then is too tired at night. I have given up in having any type of intimate relationship with her. I would just like a little unsolicited affection.

written by Jane27, 22 February, 2011

Every socks get hot on your feet. The prediction of future behavior, is evident in past behavior. The same thing will definitely happen to you and this lady when you marry her. Watch and see. Running away from your mate won’t fix anyone. So you will do the same thing over and over again in your relationships.

written by Always confused, 13 January, 2012

I am in a similar situation as the poster. Have not been married for nearly as long, no kids, love doing things with my wife and we do have things in common. However, she is controlling and has a bad temper and when we fight it gets violent and scary. The other person I have feelings for has so much in common with me, and we used to hang out quite a bit (nothing physical), but my wife has said no contact with this person. She has even contacted and threatened her. So the situation is very hopeless in my eyes because as I work on things with my wife I can’t stop thinking about a better life with my friend, but my friend will not even as much as talk to me anymore because of the threats to her.

written by Michael V, 10 March, 2012

Hey partner I feel your pain. I work 55+ hours a week and my "wife" does nothing. I come home everyday and ask"why are there a million dishes in the sink?" "why is the house filthy?" and all the response I get is" I dont feel good" or "Im tired" why the hell are you trying to explain to other people on the internet why youre fed up??you know right from wrong. Youre a grown man!!
If you and this person you call a spouse are going through hell and high water just coexisting then, to hell with it!!!

written by Edward Wattawa, 12 September, 2012

My situation is very similar to the poster. My problem is that my wife is very ill. We have a loveless marriage, but I still feel obligated to stay with her to give her moral support as well as assisting her when she can’t do things on her own. No matter what I do, though, it is never enough. She nitpicks and finds fault with every thing I do or don’t do. She’s always right, and I’m always wrong. She gets very angry when I don’t go along with what she wants, and we’ve had several fights over trivial matters. She has called me stupid and a bastard more than once. I know that she is depressed and frustrated over her poor health. Who wouldn’t be? I know it’s not all her fault, and I sympathize with her up to a point. But when she takes her feelings out on me, it makes me depressed, frustrated, and angry. She has mentioned divorce, but that would be hard on both of us, especially for her. Who would take care of her when I left? I know, too, that she would take me to the cleaners financially in the divorce settlement. The settlement would certainly favor her, due to her medical condition. As for the "other woman," I met her at work. She is a sweet, cheerful lady who has really enchanted me. She is divorced and seventeen years younger than me (my wife is nine years older than me). Our relationship only exists at work. We worked together for sometime and really hit off. She now works a different shift, but we still see each other often, if only briefly. When I do see her, it always makes my day. I’ve sent her birthday cards three times now, and she always appreciates my thoughts. She sent me a Christmas card also, saying I was her favorite person at work. She finished with "Love ya lots." She is not the kind of woman who would come on to me and induce me to have an affair or get a divorce from my wife. I have told her about some of the problems with my wife (without making it sound like I want to leave my wife to be with her). She said I’m a good man for sticking by my wife. I’m really torn between remaining loyal to my wife and wanting to be with the other lady I’ve become so attached to. I don’t know if she is having romantic feelings about me, and I fear she’ll find another man before I have the opportunity to really get to know her better and have a real relationship. I have not mentioned her to my wife, because there is really nothing going on other than a friendship at this point. Only time will tell what finally happens, but I can’t get that sweet lady out of my mind.