Past Comments – My boyfriend keeps letters from past relationships

REPLY TO Boyfriend Keeps Letters From Past Relatio
written by UNKNOWN, 24 January, 2007

Isn’t it over, when a relationship is over? Why hang on to letters and pictures? This could be a situation when an individual is lying to him/herself or their loved one or just hanging on to memories? Is this being unfaithful?

Let him keep it...
written by Monin, 25 January, 2007

If my boyfriend keep something from his past. I would respect that, the same way that I would want to be respected too. We have memories of the past bad and good. I would rather hang on to the good ones if that makes me a better person today.

written by Ditto, 14 February, 2011

My soon to be ex-husband, use to keep old poems and pictures from his ex-girlfriends. I pretty much thought the same thing you did – why hold onto them? What’s the real reason?

He didn’t tell me straight away, but basically said in an unguarded moment, he had regrets from those relationships, and holding onto those letters, reminded him how he failed. It’s funny he only kept the mementos from ex’s, of which I will soon become.

I asked him to return anything I wrote to him or about him. I said they’re my words and I want them back. This was asked politely and with respect – I just hated the thought of another (future) partner stumbling across my sentiments to him. Plus, I didn’t want him clinging to regrets. If he didn’t want to work on our relationship when we had it, that’s his choice, but lamenting what we had (through old letters) won’t help him in any future relationship.

I’m in the process of throwing out everything that reminds me of him and our life together. It’s hard because I’m having to grieve as I go through it all. Which is probably why our men folk can’t let go of their ex’s letters either. They’d have to accept the relationship is really over then, and the grieving process can begin in earnest.

My husband is going to wake-up one day and realize he’s made a mistake leaving me, but I know by then, I would’ve moved on. I’m grieving the loss now. I want to grieve so I can move on with the rest of my life.

Don’t be jealous of those letters though. If anything, they’re holding HIM back. Just be yourself and enjoy your life. Ultimately it will only ever be an unguarded moment, he may tell you the truth. He may never divulge it, but don’t ever let that hold YOU back. Enjoy your life – he’s just a part of it, not all of it.

written by Addo, 02 March, 2011

when i visit my ex partner whom i still sleeping with 1-2 week see her about 2-3 times a week often message her.i love so dearly.. i think i never loved anyone as much as i feel for her.. WELL HERE GOES when i stay over or visit i might happen to come across a love letter another male.. it makes me jealous but i have kept letters from my past relationships. BUT some reason i cant help my self but to stay up late wait till shes asleep. i start rummaging threw her stuff grab the paper and take it out of the room and set it on fire watch it burn cursing then stomp on the ashes..sort of makes me feel better.. like im here you not..
. any comments or thoughts if this is ok wired or not,.,.

written by Ditto, 02 March, 2011

Love that can only act through jealousy, Addo, is made to hurt others. In fact, it’s a passive form of control, dressed up to look like love.

You need to work on your inner man, the one that is comfortable in your own skin. Otherwise the only way you will know how to love someone, is through manipulation and passive control. When you’re accepting of yourself, you will become more accepting of others. The letters didn’t make you do it, Addo, your insecurity did.

Learning to stand on your own two feet, without having to lash-out at letters that don’t even belong to you, will do more for your ego than gestures made through deceit. Stop the hate-fest and start the love-fest. It will do more for your inner man, and make those around you feel more comfortable with you too.

For all the jealousy you can perform in your life time, it only takes one act of love to heal your wounds. That first act of love has to come from you.

written by ange love, 07 September, 2011

Greetings, I have had similar experiences in a recent relationship w/ a bf that I needed to break it off with because of his uncompromising need to establish healthy boundaries in his "friendship" to his ex gf. I was honest in the beginning that I felt uncomfortable about the ex being a friend however I am open to giving him some time to date me and get to know me and also see if his ex respected his me as his new gf. This gave me a chance to see if my needs would be respected. In the time frame of a few months many red flags became painfully evident to my heart. I would address each issue but eventually I felt like I was living in the shadow of an ex. The sad part is that we were really happy, had magical chemistry, and we both had been single for a few years before meeting each other but he never resolved his deeper feelings of letting go of his ex in which he made mistakes with. His ex even has a new bf who she is planning to be with forever and she even left her ex bf( my guy) for her current bf over 5 years ago. It became obvious to me that she is quite selfish as she still flirts with this man who I began to fall for however has no intentions to reconcile and be a real part of his life. ( yes, I went through the painful experiences of seeing her mind games of texts, FB messaging and posts that all gave me a lot to question and feel uncomfortable) I really really tried to hang in there and love my guy and give him time to move forward and make me his number one. I felt like my time to fall in love for this guy was being interfered with and that he was not standing his ground or protecting my heart. Eventually, I began to realize that my needs would not ever come first and that they never will. I needed to make the choice to keep my options in dating open and not settle for a man who would want to not provide me with emotional as well as physical fidelity. Before I broke it off I did gave him the choice to keep his ex as a friend but more like an acquaintance and to please re-establish boundaries with her now that he has me in his life. I also told him that I care deeply about him and I know how hard letting go can be. I also said that I was beginning to feel less self-esteem and security in my life and that I did not feel this way before I began to date him and become a part of this energetic dynamic. I broke it off and today we still have an on and off again romantic relationship. I still struggle with the mixed feelings I have about the ex. However it does appear that she has backed off and that he is trying to sort it out and move forward. I have accepted that he may or may not be the one for me in the long run. However, I feel that as a human being I can have compassion for everyone involved and that helps me counteract feelings of bitterness and anger that serve nobody anything good. I believe in good love and in gods time. Maybe we learn lessons in love to become part of a better brighter future. But my question for all the ladies is if you don’t feel respected and your guy is unwilling to meet your needs of emotional security which is a normal part of being in a healthy relationship, then why settle? And to all the men with overly enmeshed "friendships" with exes. You are simply painting a picture for any intelligent lady who respects herself that your only value to women who you care deeply about is a distant friendship that lingers. Your attraction to us ladies then fades as you allow yourself to not take a stand for your new girlfriend and communicate to your ex that you need more respect towards your new girlfriend otherwise you will need to end contact.

written by goodwill, 23 September, 2011

Well... uh... kinda hard, but I think its better for you to discuss it with your boyfriend. Ask him to allow you to read the letters and discuss it with him. Try to understand him and how he feels about this letters.

These letters are mementos of the past that reminds him of something beautiful. It may hurt you because these happy moments are not made with you. You might get jealous but remember they are his past. Let him share this fond memories with you. Let him know that you accept him even with this past affections. After all its his past that makes him what he is. Its his early encounters that make him the one that you loved so why hate him for that? Allowing him to share his letters... and maybe his memories of his past encounters... with you will help you understand him better.

written by Khalidd, 21 January, 2012

I think it is totally normal, and nothing wrong with it. This is not a reason for disrespecting, or...

Its only memories.