Past Comments – My girlfriend has too many rules to follow

Comments (5)

Sounds familiar
written by...., 04 November, 2006
Even if I don’t know exactly what your girlfriend is feeling, I can relate and I hope this can help you understand this further a little bit. When I first started going out with my boyfriend I urged him to talk to me and be honest if we were going to be together, in the same way as your girlfriend to you. It all went well, in that we, too, could talk about anything. However, there were things he said that I did not like to hear. At first I reacted by putting him in no-win situations, deliberately hurting myself and him by the untrue fact that he was causing the pain and had no regard for my feelings. He was trying to please me when I asked these questions, as you your girlfriend, but it came off badly in both cases. The third-party issue has come up as well, and as I am a very jealous person, I get angry when he talks to this woman and even more so when he tells me about it. The truth in my case is that sometimes I want him to be honest by telling me what I want to hear, like that he hasn’t been talking to her and doesn’t want to again, or that he will stop it. When I don’t get what I want, I explode, and he doesn’t understand why if he was just being sincere. But I know that sometimes he will do or say stuff I won’t be comfortable with, and your girlfriend should be aware of that, too. If she wants you to tell her *everything* the minute it happens, then she has to know for a fact that she might like what she hears as easily as she might not. And that there are things that you don’t consider relevant (like the comment about her you’re worried about) and it won’t necessarily mean you’re lying or hiding something. If she truly wants an honest relationship and really trusts you my opinion is that she should try to accept what you tell her without taking it all the wrong way.
written by whats love, 13 June, 2007
I am this girl. My boyfriend is constantly trying to please me and comes out short all the time. My expectations are too high and there is no winner in this situation. First of all I am going to recap.

1. She wants you to tell her the truth, but if you do she will get upset.

I’m sure she doesn’t get upset every time. But its enough time to where you think lying to her would be the easier option. My advice DO NOT LIE to her. It will just cause damage in the relationship.

2. She wants you to talk to your friend but if you do it will cause a fight.

The only way I can make sense of this is that she doesn’t want you telling her "I won’t talk to her, if you tell me NOT to". If your intentions are to talk to her even to end contact you need to tell her "I won’t talk to her anymore, but am going to inform her of my reasons for ending contact" (b/c as you said its being courteous).

3.She believes you need time to resolve issues in your relationship without 3rd party interference, but she doesn’t want you to end a relationship on her account.

NO WRONG!!!! Quite contrary. You see she wants you to have enough confidence to talk to her. Enough confidence to trust in her to tell her what you need to without fear of the consequences of you doing so. She wants you to find out for yourself that talking to a 3rd party is causing more problems, than actual good. I doubt the 3rd parties advice is that great... b/c it doesn’t seem to be helping your relationship. She wants you to end contact on the count her and your relationship! She does not dare tell you this b/c then it will cause her to feel guilty and she is afraid you might resent her – but this is where it becomes difficult b/c (just like me) she wants you to read her mind and well that is impossible. This is why I am giving you the 1O1. Please take into the account mutual friends or not. It doesn’t matter. Jealousy still prevails. You want different outcome of a similar situation. You want her to react differently! Instead of talking to someone of the opposite sex, but have you even considered talking to someone of the same sex (and if you need a female perspective maybe talking to a family member would help... say mom)??!!! You’ll be surprised what kind of double standards are out there... but in realty the outcome will be much different.

4. She can’t believe that you talked to her again.

This causes greater hurt in the relationship if she finds you had contact with her after telling her you wouldn’t. She trusted that you what you were telling her was true and honest and that you were going to end contact for good. Plus you know how upset it makes her so why risk it? She can’t read your mind either. She can’t just know that you are going to call her b/c its the "courteous" thing to do.

written by James Le Feu, 01 December, 2008
It’s remarkable how any situation can be reversed and the inappropriate becomes quite acceptable. I guess everything has the perspective you need to see.
written by Holy Crap, 01 February, 2011
Holy crap...

There is no way a healthy relationship can exist with this form of "pure" honesty. No one wants to hear the brutal truth all the time for any given situation. People sugar-coat because other people have egos. I don’t think the guy was at all in the wrong in this situation. I DO think he was put in an absolutely no-win situation. It seems that the expectations of this girl are overly high and unrealistic as a whole.
To be honest (pun intended), it sounds like she doesn’t want honesty, but she wants two things: for you to say exactly what she wants to hear, or she wants some drama in her life.
I say this because there is no other possible outcome. Either you magically say exactly what she wants to hear, or you cause a fight. It doesn’t matter to her that at no point did he have ill intentions when talking to that mutual friend. Nor did you have ill-intentions when you let that friend know why you were going to be abruptly absent for the next while.
People get worked up over NOTHING these days. It’s not about trust and honesty. This whole situation is COMPLETELY about control.
I say either you need to make her understand that she has to trust that you’re always trying to do the right thing, but you’re not perfect, nor are you a robot who reports every bug and glitch in the system as it happens... or you get out of dodge and find a woman with some rational perspective on relationships.
People don’t do this to their friends... why do they insist on doing it to their partners?
written by 3.14InTheSky, 20 June, 2011
Sorry to bring up an old topic but here is my 0.02 –

There are things in a relationship that are perfectly acceptable to "sugar coat" and things that are not.

The reason she is so mad is because she now assumes that if you cant be forthright about the smallest of things, how can you have the integrity to be honest about things that you NEED TO BE HONEST ABOUT??

If your relationship is as strong as you say, then fine. F-it. Let her get mad. What is the worse that will happen? She will get over it, and she will respect you in the end. After a while of you being transparent, I would imagine that she will loosen the reigns a little.

Relationships are based off of not only TRUST but COMPROMISE as well.

To the poster above me –

I dont think its about "control". Yes, we can trust that each and every person will do the right thing, but ultimately, we are all human, and capable of making bad choices. IMO, our partner has to not so much trust that we will "do the right thing", but also trust that "If I made a bad choice, I will tell you because it effects US.".

If someone is constantly in fear of a reaction and their decision to be honest vs. dishonest is driven by JUST THAT REACTION, then there is more going on beneath the surface I would suspect. Again...whats the worse that is going to happen? She is going to get mad? If thats it...then I recommend that the OP call a time out and set some boundaries. He needs to LET HER know how the situation is making him feel.

OP – Try this and see how it works out: "You want me to be honest, and I get the same reaction out of you regardless of if I am being truthful or not. I feel -(insert word here), by your reaction. This is reenforcing my desire to hide things from you because its easier emotionally to just not deal with it."

If the OP feels completely justified in his actions, then there is rarely room for any sense of true guilt to be felt and it will quickly dissipate.

However...if there is ANYTHING underhanded going on, I can see where the reaction would resonate 10 fold in the OP. If the seed of guilt is there, then it will bloom into sheer misery the longer that things are hidden.

Nobody wants to admit to doing something that would hurt the other person...but those are the times where truth is the most important.

Secondly, I would say that the OP’s partner probably has some underlying trust issues to begin with. Perhaps she needs to go to counseling to figure out what the root of this is?

Either way, the OP’s choice to be deceptive shows weak character and is doing nothing at all to try and get to the root of the true issue at hand.

Relationships are tricky.

She feels like you lied to her...and in a did...and you still are. In my opinion...this situation should be approached head on.

She wants honesty? Give her all the honesty she can stand..but try not to come across as resentful or forceful. She is suspect of you right now and will be looking for things to pick at you about.

If you are invested in this...invested in by her rules for awhile, no matter how much it will suck, show her that you are not afraid to be up front, have hope in the future of the relationship and seek professional help.

Again...this is just my opinion.

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