Past Comments – My boyfriend hid his contact with another woman

Comments (7)

Can identify!
written by This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , 21 September, 2006
I could have written this email myself. My story is so so similar, its really scary. I have recently broken up with my boyfriend, to get back together again. I had a long talk with him about how the things he does, (flirts with women, strives for their attention, needs to feed his self esteem, etc. etc) how all of that type of behavior hurts my feelings. I told him that he holds my heart and when he does those types of things, its hurts me. I also got him to agree to go to counseling. First alone, then together. He too was sexually abused by a family member, and his mother virtually abandoned him, so he is constantly seeking approval of woman. We began our relationship long distance and when he moved to where I live, he brought with him a secret relationship that he kept in contact with her. I caught him and called her directly. He lied to her too telling her that he moved somewhere else. I was crushed, and now when he has this need for woman giving him confidence, it rips my heart apart. This has been going on for almost 4 years now. I am hoping that the counseling will help. I really don’t know. I too suffer from a low self esteem, but I don’t have to seek men’s approval to boost myself. I don’t have to call single men from my cell phone and then hide my cell phone bill from my boyfriend and that is what he does to me. We don’t live together, so he is doing this behavior away from me. I guess I just wanted you to know – I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL and its so horrible being in a situation like this. I was married before for 23 years to an alcoholic, but he was someone that I trusted more than my boyfriend because I knew he would never never cheat on me, emotionally or otherwise. AND your right about the emotional affair situation – its not a good place and life is too short. I don’t know if you can move on, I wish I could. But at the same time, I want to work it out. I’m just stuck. Good luck to you. Take care.
written by CHB, 27 May, 2008
Both of you... I certainly can relate, but fortunately I have been able to leave my boy friend. Three years of a long distance relationship where he did everything... I mean everything to get me. First we dated for almost a year before I found out that he was still married. He was so convincing, so present in my life and the life of my daughter and family that I had no clue or reasons not to believe that he was separated.When I found out that he was married and far away from divorcing (at least from his wife perspective... poor woman... 23 years of marriage during which she was not only cheated on but, he had even a son from a relationship then... she forgave and moved on... courageous, but unfortunately very enabling. In short, after I found out I wanted to break up and he asked then for divorce... to get the attention he wickedly needy, he blow up his family!! And I’m not talking about a drunk, etc., this man is well-respected in North Carolina in his community. Going further, I had the weakness because I loved him to overlook the lying story because. God he was so convincing. But at this time I began to look at him differently and began to be more prudent... well I was right. As he had all he wanted from me, after less than a year he began to court other women. When I confronted him, he got defensive and long winded and crying etc... my trust and respect for him began to fade... and so my love. I’m a very confident woman and cannot accept not to have respect send back to me as I’m very respectful of others and others feeling. When fast forwarding to one month ago, I find out another new friendship going on... I said enough, I cannot love a man like that... I broke up. It took two weeks to realize that I don’t even miss him and certainly don’t love him anymore. The man I loved was only the one he tried to portray to me and his whole environment. These people are sick from their low self esteem (narcissistic, pathological liar, and there is no cure). Don’t let them destroy yours. They are not worth it and you deserve much more. Run and never look back. Its better to suffer from a breakup for several weeks or even a couple of months (I hope it will be much less for you). Regain self respect, free yourself from pain that will only come back again and again whatever they can say or promise... these people have no words... not even to themselves... I feel sorry for them... I don’t want to be sorry for you. YOUR CHOICE not theirs!! Good luck!
written by savannah jones, 21 July, 2008
I run a relationship site and although I’m great at giving advice... I had to learn the hard way about living it. I think there are a couple of dynamics going on here. There is the controlling demanding way of saying what you will and won’t put up with. But also there’s settling for less than you deserve. I think when someone is this bothered by contact and I have to admit both parties are to blame here. The woman contacting him you can’t control but if the man felt like this was wrong... he’d stop. I think that’s what I’d pay attention too and have learned to. Too many women have been in your shoes and that’s me included. We agreed on terms of dealing with our past. I would ask if he was in touch with a couple of women in particular because well... I’m a woman and single and I know people try and keep in touch even after you’ve said you are in a relationship. Politeness is expected so you get the – it’s great to hear from you. The lying is worse than all of what’s being done and causes you to think more is going on. At the same time making it harder for you to probably commit to this man in the same way. Stay away from someone who is yanking your chain. You’re not crazy to think this isn’t right. You’ve expressed your expectations and they are good ones. These are not people of their word as said above. You obviously are a person of your word and have every right to expect to be with someone who is too.
written by English Lady, 14 March, 2010
Let’s spend time editing your words.
I run a relationship site and although I’m great at giving advice... I had to learn the hard way about living it.

I think there are a couple of dynamics going on here.
There is the controlling demanding way of saying what you will and won’t put up with. (with is a preposition)

But, also there’s settling for less than you deserve. When someone is this bothered by contact and I have to admit both parties are to blame here.

The woman contacting him is unable to control; but, if the man felt like this was wrong... he’d stop.
(eliminate I Think) It reads better.

I think that’s what I’d pay attention too and have learned to.

Too many women have been in your shoes. We agreed on terms of dealing with our past.

I would ask if he was in touch with a couple of women in particular because well... I’m a woman and single and I know people try and keep in touch even after you’ve said you are in a relationship.

Politeness is expected so you get the – it’s great to hear from you.
The lying is worse than all of what’s being done and causes you to think more is going on.

At the same time making it harder for you to probably commit to this man in the same way.
Stay away from someone who is yanking your chain.

You’re not crazy to think this isn’t right.
You’ve expressed your expectations and they are good.
These are not people of their word as said above.
You obviously are a person of your word and have every right to expect to be with someone who is too.

Ending in too is a prepositional phrase. With someone.

written by Messy, 24 August, 2011
My boyfriend and I spent almost 6 years in a long distance relationship. We have not seen each other for the first three years of our relationship. I believed that he loves me because everyday, almost every hour, we spend talking in the phone. He doesn’t want to miss anything from me. But I’ve observed something from him, he got jealous when I talked to any of my male friends. But I did not take it too seriously, and keep telling myself that he just love me. So when I graduated college, I decided to make things real. We met, and I decided to give myself to him. For me, my purity serves as a guarantee that my feeling for him is true and I want to keep it forever. After a couple of months, something went wrong. He always find mistakes in everything I do. Even a slight mistake, he dealt it seriously and make it big. Then there was a time when he no longer answer all my calls. I could dialed his numbers for almost 100 times, almost overnight. My friend told me that my boyfriend has been cheating on me. But it’s hard for me to accept the reality. Then One day, I called his number, a voice of a woman answered. And I found out that he has been cheating me for more than a month. I confronted him. He asked for forgiveness and a chance. Since, I love him so much, I gave him a chance.. ( I wish I did not).. and after a couple of months, I found out again that they keep on seeing each other. It hurts me so much.. He told me that they broke up. I didn’t want to give up, so I gave him another chance.. I keep on spying him, to the extend that I chatted him using other woman’s face and a name.. So stupid that he did give-in to my trap.. He keeps on flirting, not knowing that it was I he was chatting.. And so I called him, and broke up with him. It really breaks my hearts.. How could I love this kind of a man? How could I believed that this man would spend with me for the rest of my life? I love him so much, and I love him still.. and I don’t know how to start all over again, when everything I have, I already given up to him. I don’t know how to move-on.. And it’s still hard for me to face and accept the reality of losing the only man I loved. Only God can heal this broken heart of mine.. I still love him.. smilies/sad.gif
written by brown eyed gurl, 18 December, 2011
im having the same probs same time frame same ages except i question him constantly i cant trust him but i know i love him but its all tearing me apart i feel helpless and alone.
written by SecondChance, 13 February, 2012
I am the person that my friends look for when they seek advice. Most times, the stories aren’t as sad as the ones I have seen here, which prompted me to make a comment today. I have read the stories posted here carefully and found one thing in common: that we all trust the man we love or at least that we all want to love someone who we can trust. What sounds so obvious should not be so difficult but it is. I honestly still struggle to understand what is it in men that whenever we show them that they have won our trust, they choose to betray us. I feel that for some men it is a game they enjoy, for others it is a forbidden pleasure but I do see it occurs quite often nowadays. And the internet turned that into a plague…
I also realize from experience that it is very hard NOT to give them a second chance when they ask for forgiveness or when deep inside we fear we would lose them. However, I also wonder: who should be given the second chance? What do we truly fear?
We often believe LOVE should be given a second chance and we fear the consequences of not knowing what will happen if we don’t give them a second chance….
Maybe it is time to change but we all know it is very hard to change the way we think. Last week, I broke up with my boyfriend who I still love. I will spare you from the story but it has a lot in common with the ones I read: I trusted him, gave him my best, he lied and cheated. He is asking for forgiveness….
I am fighting my fears as much as I can, and I am NOT giving him a second chance. Why? Because I think I am the one who deserves a second chance – not him.

It is time to give my love life a second chance to find someone I can trust. Easier said than done and I am still thinking of him but what about MY second chance?

Very hard to do that by yourself but it seems we are all on the same boat so why don’t WE ALL fight our fears and give OURSELVES a second chance to smile again? I am doing it now… so why don’t you? Tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day but for me it is the day I am inviting you to give yourselves a second chance as I am doing now! Wishing you only the very best in love and life and that you don’t waste your time and especially your beauty anymore and find the courage to change!

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