Past Comments – My husband is in love with someone else
Comments (74)
written by tx girl, 24 June, 2007
I feel your pain and I agree with the previous posters. I am going through a similar thing as my husband is still in love with his ex-wife. It hurts to even write that. So, I suggest you file for divorce. Don’t be stubborn on this.
You file. It will give you rights and heads up. I am so sorry you are going through this. However, I feel you deserve a second chance at life with a better man.
written by flip-flopped situation, 16 August, 2007
I know exactly what you are feeling. My wife of 20 years has had an emotional affair (2 years) with a married friend and says she is "in love" with him, because they connect on so many levels. She says she "loves"
me since we have 2 kids (teenagers) & a history together. But, she doesn’t see a future with us as she doesn’t feel emotionally connected to me. It is very hard to let her go because I fear that one day she will "wake up from
this fantasy" and realize what she has given up. Hang in there but fight for what YOU want.
written by learntolove, 04 March, 2008
Hey, I am totally inspired by what truth said. I have been there. All the different stages after discovering the affair. Believe yourself. Treat yourself better. Plan your future. Meet new people, even if just online friends. You will
get better after a while. It takes some time. But once you get your attention back to yourself, you will not feel that bad. I know it’s hard, but just do it anyway. Once he saw you as a complete person, he might be the one who is
confused. You will feel better if that happened and you will feel more strength to do more for your life. Life is too short to figure out a liar. You have to be true to your own feeling now.
written by SELF CHECK, 19 April, 2009
Forget Him! There’s more than one man in the world
that can please you. Like there is more than one fish in the sea. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!!!!!!!!!!!
that can please you. Like there is more than one fish in the sea. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!!!!!!!!!!!
written by Deceived mant times..., 24 April, 2009
I am in my 14 years of marriage bliss, not.
See, my husband is perfect – he takes care of me, buys me anything I want, is kind, loving, and most of all is is an excellent father. He would take off from work just to be at a school play. He takes us on vacation and do everything for us.
But he has one big flaw – other women. He had an affair that I found about about from the other woman. We still stayed together and after 7 years he was having an emotional affair with another woman from another state. Her husband called me this time. I can list all the reasons why not, but he found that one reason to do it. I don’t think I am that hurt now. I am beginning to realize I am not going to define my life by the way he wants to live his life. He would make a perfect father and great husband – but he will always wonder. He is a liar and a big one at that. I don’t think I will get pass this one. He is currently doing everything to please me. But I don’t want to listen to lies anymore. If I want to sleep with someone else, at lease I will cause some problems in my marriage. He is the great pretender. I do think now I have been the perfect wife but he is just immature and an idiot. I will never hurt my kids which is the last thing he thought he would do – but a divorce hurts kids. He is sorry now but I feel good about myself.
I will take a vacation...
See, my husband is perfect – he takes care of me, buys me anything I want, is kind, loving, and most of all is is an excellent father. He would take off from work just to be at a school play. He takes us on vacation and do everything for us.
But he has one big flaw – other women. He had an affair that I found about about from the other woman. We still stayed together and after 7 years he was having an emotional affair with another woman from another state. Her husband called me this time. I can list all the reasons why not, but he found that one reason to do it. I don’t think I am that hurt now. I am beginning to realize I am not going to define my life by the way he wants to live his life. He would make a perfect father and great husband – but he will always wonder. He is a liar and a big one at that. I don’t think I will get pass this one. He is currently doing everything to please me. But I don’t want to listen to lies anymore. If I want to sleep with someone else, at lease I will cause some problems in my marriage. He is the great pretender. I do think now I have been the perfect wife but he is just immature and an idiot. I will never hurt my kids which is the last thing he thought he would do – but a divorce hurts kids. He is sorry now but I feel good about myself.
I will take a vacation...
written by Disappointed and Disgusted, 22 July, 2009
It’s crazy how you can put so much time and effort into a relationship and never ask for much in return only love and respect which should come naturally anyway. Listen no one can decide whats the best thing for you but YOU! You say
that you love him but before you can love anyone you have to love yourself. Obviously he doesn’t appreciate you and to be honest it doesn’t sound like he loves you or even cares about you, because at least out of some type of respect for
all the years you two shared together he should at least let you stay at the house and him move out with her if that’s what he chooses to do. Me I am having a rough time rite now as well, you see I have been in a relationship for 6 years
and have 4 beautiful kids with this man that i grew up with. Our relationship has been thru hell and back a couple of times. But here we are still trying to hold on but just last year I found out that there could be a big possibility that
he could have gotten some1 else pregnant. Of course he denied it and still does till this day, I’ve tried to get over it but I can’t and for some reason I have been thinking about it lately and it is really causing a strain in my
relationship.
I wish you all the best and hope that you can find true love and happiness.
I wish you all the best and hope that you can find true love and happiness.
written by indian female, 06 September, 2009
I have read all the comments given above and i respect feeling of all of you. I am also having the same problem and its not only about me and you its about most of us. The difference is some are aware and other even don’t know that
their partner is cheating them. I think you should give one more chance to him not for him but for you. You have spent a long span of life with him would it be that much easy to forget him.
written by IT CAN BE FIXED, 17 October, 2009
I AM TELLING YOU THIS WITH ALL MY HEART... I KNOW SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP YOU FIX YOUR MARRIAGE.HIS NAME IS JESUS IF YOU PRAY AND ASK GOD HE WILL HELP YOU.GOD SAYS WHAT I PUT TOGETHER LET KNOW MAN TEAR APART.EVEN IF SHE IS BEAUTIFUL EVEN
IF HE IS IN LOVE WITH HER GOD STILL HAS THE LAST WORD.SO I TELL YOU PRAY ASK GOD TO BRING HIM BACK TO YOU ASK HIM TO MAKE YOUR HUSBAND FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.IF HE DID NOT CARE ANYTHING ABOUT YOU HE WOULD HAVE ALREADY FILED FOR DIVORCE.YOU
SEE I HAD A VERY SIMILAR SITUATION LIKE YOU.MY HUSBAND WAS IN LOVE WITH HIS COUSINS WIFE BUT HE KNEW HER BEFORE HIS COUSIN MARRIED HER AND SHE EVEN IF NOT LOVED HIM LIKED HIM BACK I COUGH THEM ON THE PHONE SO MANY TIMES ANS YES SHE ALSO
WAS THE SUBJECT OF MANY MANY FIGHTS MY HUSBAND TOLD ME (WHICH TILL THIS DAY I STILL CANT BELIEVE HE DID)THAT HE THOUGHT ABOUT HER DURING HIS PERSONAL TIME IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! BUT I ASKED THE LORD TO FIX OUR MARRIAGE I PRAYED AND I
CRIED TO GOD FOR HELP AND HE FIXED OUR MARRIAGE GOD IS LOVE HE IS HEALING HE IS LIFE AND IF YOU GIVE THIS PROBLEM TO HIM HE WILL HELP YOU AND NOT ONLY THAT HE WILL GIVE YOU PEACE AND SOME HOW JOY.GOD NEVER LETS US DOWN PEOPLE DO BUT NOT
GOD.SO THAT IS MY ADVICE TO YOU IT CANT HURT BUT ONLY HELP SO GOD BLESS YOU AND I KNOW HE WILL TRY GOD HE WILL MAKE AWAY WHERE THERE IS NO WAY.
written by LillyWhite, 26 October, 2009
Pray to God for a "Hedge of Thorns" (Google it to see what it means)
Dear Lord, I pray for a Hedge of Thorns around my husband. I pray for this dear Lord to make any and all lovers lose interest and depart. I pray this Lord based on your word, that what God has joined together, let no man put asunder.
Dear Lord, I pray for a Hedge of Thorns around my husband. I pray for this dear Lord to make any and all lovers lose interest and depart. I pray this Lord based on your word, that what God has joined together, let no man put asunder.
written by chay, 28 October, 2009
I know it’s very hard for you, but you have to divorce him. It hurt you so much to watch him in love with other women. Think of yourself and you deserve a better man.
written by Peggypoo, 17 November, 2009
Wow..someone please help me! My husband has also fallen in love with someone else...I was completely blindsided. He was acting very nasty to me and coming home late almost every night and i only found out from hearing someone say did
I know he was openly having affairs (Words not meant for my ears) I questioned him and he told me it was not true...I asked again to please tell me because I was beginning to have my suspicions and he finally admitted to one affair 3
years ago that lasted 8 months. I feel so hurt we have 3 little children. He said he was not getting enough attention and went elsewhere. He asked me to forgive him that it meant nothing to him and after many many tears I realized that I
was to blame as well as him and we decided to give each other a 2nd chance...everyday was getting better but I felt he was holding back something because he would withdraw emotionally from me one day and love me so passionately the
next...I found out 5 days after the he told me about the first affair by going through his phone and calling an unrecognizable #and a girl answered I asked him who she was and he said I was just acting silly...then I became more upset and
demanded to know who she was and he said again nobody and when I threatened to call her myself he admitted that she was Someone and that she might be his soalmate that they had been seeing each other for the last six weeks and planning a
future together...no sex because they decided to wait until he was out. well I told him to leave and he said he was confused and loved me and did not know what to do...He decided to stay with me and told her so but I have to deal with his
mourning the loss of her...its so hard i love him so much.Please pray for us..he says everyday is better but he has called her a few times to check if she is OK and it upsets me because I feel there should be no contact If we are going to
make it.Does he love me? I know I love him I need advice...please
written by Scared and confused, 11 March, 2010
What I cant understand is how a husband can tell you that he loves someone else but still cares about you and does not want to leave because he will miss the family unit and more son he wonderful son. Since 2008 he has seen the same
girl on and off each time promising me it is over and that he was lonely. Now he tells me he loves her. After telling me he now regrets it as it has hurt me so much – what does he expect. Now he feels bad for me and says he has not
decided to leave yet but I am not sure I want him around even though I am sooooo scared to be alone. How do you start again, I have a lovely home etc. Where do you begin to pick up the pieces and how at 40 can you move forward. I am so
emotionally finished and have no one to talk to it about. I feel like my whole world is just falling apart. What do I do from here ?????
written by 40 and starting again, 20 March, 2010
Scared and confused I hear you and feel your pain. I will be 40 this year and have been living with a man who has not only cheated but did it after the hardest period of time. Over the last few years he had developed an addiction to
Pain pills and started whipping through money when I finally found the pills and was able to confront him he attempted rehab and soon after lost his job because his contract expired. I wanted to leave him then but I stayed because I felt
that it was cruel to leave someone that you love when they are going thorough something so terrible. He was out of work for 8 months when I was able to get a job that wasn’t covering our bills but was giving us and the children the much
needed health insurance. * months later I have found out that he has been having an affair. He has just started working again last month but his salary is not as high as it was and the bills are piling up. I am saying all this because I
will be 40 and although I have very little savings left and I have a house that will probably have to be sold in a short sale I am moving forward with my life and I know that it is a long life full of many ups and downs. I am thinking
about the future. where I want to go and people that I want to see that I haven’t for a long time. Its not going to be easy but i went to sephora and had a wonderful makeover – bought all the makeup and I am putting it on
everyday!!! I know its superficial but Its makes me feel good – it is giving me the confidence I need to look at myself in the mirror everyday and say " you are smart, Beautiful, sexy, friendly and far superior to the the girl
that goes with the married man. And no matter how great you thought your husband was you deserve better and will get it because of your experiences. Happily ever after is out there. And this movie is no where near finished!!!
The scary part was hearing him say he loves her. Lying is numbness Feeling is living.
The scary part was hearing him say he loves her. Lying is numbness Feeling is living.
written by pregnant and alone, 29 March, 2010
My heart goes out to you all, I too have just found out my husband has been having an affair with his ex. It started off as an emotional thing just via phone as she lives in Sydney, but in the last 6 months it has turned physical with
her flying over to Perth and him going to Sydney. I am currently 30 weeks and 2days pregnant with our first child together and I am absolutely devastated. I love him with all my heart and am finding it very hard to cope at the moment. He
says he loves her and he loves me but he is confused about his feelings so we have separated so he can have space to think. I am totally gutted as is my 8yr old daughter who calls him daddy. My heart breaks further everyday Im in tears
more often than not. How does one get through this. I am trying to stay calm for the babys sake but my heart just hurts to much. What should I do?
written by on the edge, 30 March, 2010
I hear everyone’s worries and understand them so well! My husband has told me last night that he loves one of my best friends. She is the total opposite to me and he can’t tell me what he sees in her. He says that I have done nothing
wrong and that it is him. He knows that she doesn’t love him and that nothing will happen on that front. He wants to have a trial period to see if we can make this work between us. He is very depressed and talks about just going to sleep
and never waking up again. She is leaving soon and we won’t see her for a long time but she will still be between us. I love him so much and like Scared and Confused I don’t want to be without him. How do I start again? He is my life. I
am also feeling depressed at the moment as my mother died 4 months ago from cancer and the day before she died I had the abortion that my husband insisted I had. I didn’t have the strength to go through losing my Mother on my own so I did
what he wanted and have regretted it ever since. We don’t have any other children and my husband says that the thought makes him feel physically ill! It doesn’t feel like life can get any worse at the moment. I wish that I could wave a
magic wand and make it all go away. I wish I knew that I would feel better soon because I can’t keep going on like this anymore. I miss my Mom.
written by Still in Love, 28 April, 2010
I’ve repeatedly said "why is this happening to me?" And finding all the reasons to answer my question. Then realizing that I am only wallowing in self pity if my focus is on finding the answer. It is never easy to discover
the life you built with the man you love and married years ago will come to an end. With children involved, it is ever more difficult. A rekindled high school friendship has brought my husband and lady friend together. The similarities of
their lives and circumstance has created a deeper bond of not only reminiscent days gone by, but of creating a future together. She has been the cause of more reasons why we argue. Because communication is key in resolutions, it seems we
cannot resolve because we cannot communicate. Thus, the foundation we built is slowly weathering away. And I am trying to carry all the bricks that fall apart and needing the support to put them back in place.
written by me too, 02 May, 2010
To still in love....
Let the bricks fall and let him go. I have been carrying the bricks for 24 years and now he is the one that wants a divorce because he found someone else. What a slap in the face to me who carried him and our relationship for so many years.
I have tried to talk him out of it, but he refuses. I begged and pleaded but nothing worked because of this other woman that he is in love with. He says he isn’t, but I don’t believe him because he continues with this divorce and separation that have devastated me, my kids and friends and family. He just moved out yesterday and I am sad but glad at the same time because me and my kids can start to heal and live a life that is worthy of us. I am worth more that what this man can give me which has only been heartache and sorrow for so many years. You should do the same. It’s hard, I know because I am living it right now, but I have to do it for my own sanity and for my 2 babies. They already have a jerk for a father, they don’t need a weak mother too.
Take care
Let the bricks fall and let him go. I have been carrying the bricks for 24 years and now he is the one that wants a divorce because he found someone else. What a slap in the face to me who carried him and our relationship for so many years.
I have tried to talk him out of it, but he refuses. I begged and pleaded but nothing worked because of this other woman that he is in love with. He says he isn’t, but I don’t believe him because he continues with this divorce and separation that have devastated me, my kids and friends and family. He just moved out yesterday and I am sad but glad at the same time because me and my kids can start to heal and live a life that is worthy of us. I am worth more that what this man can give me which has only been heartache and sorrow for so many years. You should do the same. It’s hard, I know because I am living it right now, but I have to do it for my own sanity and for my 2 babies. They already have a jerk for a father, they don’t need a weak mother too.
Take care
written by jessie kan, 10 June, 2010
I am going through the same thing. My 17 years of marriage is up in the air. He forced me to sign the divorce papers (when I was having a lump in my breast removed) Luckily it was not cancer. God looked out for me. I lost my job soon
after. I am on employment insurance right now (have been sending out resumes but so far no calls for interview). Last week he got his ex girlfriend from his college days and I think they are to get married. He does not bother to call my
son. Like we are the dirt on the planet. I am distrust about the situation. It is like he was never married ever, never had a child. God help me for I am trying in the midst of all this to study and get a job that will support my child
and me. Please pray for us
written by cat lee, 13 June, 2010
i am from england. nut like you all that have been writing on here i have been just like you. my comment is " treat people like they
treat you" get someone that deserves you. i know it does knot feel like that now, but let someone care for you how you want to be treated. he does not respect you or your marriage, so why the hell you worried about that shit. i am in the same situations you, but i am better them them. wake up with a mile on your face, it will piss them off. get yourself someone new, that will piss him off, and i now you will just turn around and say, get a life, i am happy. i know it does not seem possible right now, but it is. listen to me. you don’t need him or her. let her have him.. let him cheat on hr. let her watch her back, because she will be next to get cheated on. do not let any one take the piss out of you sweetheart. i really know its hard. but its not has hard as living with someone you cannot trust. keep smiling and do not give up.
caroline
treat you" get someone that deserves you. i know it does knot feel like that now, but let someone care for you how you want to be treated. he does not respect you or your marriage, so why the hell you worried about that shit. i am in the same situations you, but i am better them them. wake up with a mile on your face, it will piss them off. get yourself someone new, that will piss him off, and i now you will just turn around and say, get a life, i am happy. i know it does not seem possible right now, but it is. listen to me. you don’t need him or her. let her have him.. let him cheat on hr. let her watch her back, because she will be next to get cheated on. do not let any one take the piss out of you sweetheart. i really know its hard. but its not has hard as living with someone you cannot trust. keep smiling and do not give up.
caroline
written by thinking differently, 07 July, 2010
what help me was when husband move in with the other woman was I read endless books on affairs and got involved with support groups like al-anon and joined a gym etc. I did not have sex as I will not be used if he is with someone
else!! We both were immature and it help me understand our behavior better and why we act the way we do. My husband came back and we have been married over 40 yrs.
written by fiordland1, 17 July, 2010
I have been with my beautiful wonderful man for 12 years. We have a 9 year old son together, a home and a business. He also has a son to a previous relationship. When we got together his son was 4.
15 weeks ago his son, my step son, big brother to our wee boy was murdered. It is still absolutely devastating for everyone. During this time my man, my solemate, my everything, was supported by his sons mother. I was wary at first but then thought no!! Bigger things are happening here, they do need each other and they do support each other, trust him, he loves you.
Things that are on police record have only been viewed by the two of them. They only have each other to talk to. If we all knew everything details would be leaked which would effect the trial. Plus the pain and guilt felt by a parent is something no one else will fully understand.
A week and a bit ago was a big week, he spend many hrs at the police station (4hrs drive from here) and was disturbed by what he learnt. He stayed up there in a motel to clear his head and also visit his sons grave. On the Friday his sons mum came down and he discussed what he had read.....
The following Tuesday he suggested that me and our son go visit the grave, as we hadn’t been in a while. He thought I would have done a day trip, but I thought since it was school holidays we would spend the night. He got quiet desperate when he found this out and said he needed to talk to me.
I spoke to him shortly after this text, he told me last Friday he slept with her. He loves me but is in love with her. He says he will make love to her if he gets the chance again, it makes him feel better.
I love him so much, and I understand why they have been thrown together like they have, but it doesn’t make it any easier, I love my man, what do I do.
She is staying with her husband, I don’t know if he knows, I only found out a few days ago myself and have been a wreak ever since. She also has another 4 children so really is staying with her husband for them.
If they do get together one day it won’t work maybe it will short term, they are in no way a match anymore. Neither were they when they were 17 and had their son.
If anything the past months have taught is you can’t chance the past. I have prayed so often to bring my stepson back to us all, it just doesn’t happen, what is done is done and we can’t change it.
I am just so lost, I think I will just be here as a best friend to him, and continue to support him (not his relationship with her, just the death of his son) and see what the future brings.
He says he loves me, I so sorry he hurt me and wanted to know what he could do to make it a little bit better, I asked that he support me, don’t just dump and run.
15 weeks ago his son, my step son, big brother to our wee boy was murdered. It is still absolutely devastating for everyone. During this time my man, my solemate, my everything, was supported by his sons mother. I was wary at first but then thought no!! Bigger things are happening here, they do need each other and they do support each other, trust him, he loves you.
Things that are on police record have only been viewed by the two of them. They only have each other to talk to. If we all knew everything details would be leaked which would effect the trial. Plus the pain and guilt felt by a parent is something no one else will fully understand.
A week and a bit ago was a big week, he spend many hrs at the police station (4hrs drive from here) and was disturbed by what he learnt. He stayed up there in a motel to clear his head and also visit his sons grave. On the Friday his sons mum came down and he discussed what he had read.....
The following Tuesday he suggested that me and our son go visit the grave, as we hadn’t been in a while. He thought I would have done a day trip, but I thought since it was school holidays we would spend the night. He got quiet desperate when he found this out and said he needed to talk to me.
I spoke to him shortly after this text, he told me last Friday he slept with her. He loves me but is in love with her. He says he will make love to her if he gets the chance again, it makes him feel better.
I love him so much, and I understand why they have been thrown together like they have, but it doesn’t make it any easier, I love my man, what do I do.
She is staying with her husband, I don’t know if he knows, I only found out a few days ago myself and have been a wreak ever since. She also has another 4 children so really is staying with her husband for them.
If they do get together one day it won’t work maybe it will short term, they are in no way a match anymore. Neither were they when they were 17 and had their son.
If anything the past months have taught is you can’t chance the past. I have prayed so often to bring my stepson back to us all, it just doesn’t happen, what is done is done and we can’t change it.
I am just so lost, I think I will just be here as a best friend to him, and continue to support him (not his relationship with her, just the death of his son) and see what the future brings.
He says he loves me, I so sorry he hurt me and wanted to know what he could do to make it a little bit better, I asked that he support me, don’t just dump and run.
written by baby, 04 August, 2010
I am in the situation at the moment also that i cannot accept my husband cheated and still cheating on me after he promised to stop the relationship he had or having. after 13 year of being married to him he’d been a very good husband
and father to our son and to my previous children too. I love him dearly and he never failed to remind me how much he love me too, but suddenly i found out that hes having relationship for the past 6 years or maybe more. I confronted him
and he asked me if i can still forgive him and start a new chapter, he said its done and he cannot undo it anymore so he wants us to look forward and try to forget about yesterday, i love him with all my heart that i try to work out the
marriage, but after a month i discover that he did’nt end that relationship with this woman and ask her to write him email that she decided to leave the country coz its hurting her to be in the same place with him, just to show me that it
is really over between them. now my question to myself is what should i do now, its hurting me like hell but i feel like i cannot live without him as well, should i pretend i don’t know the truth or should i confront him again?
written by donna bz, 25 September, 2010
I have been married for 17 years and my husband went to work in Mombasa for 6 months, but after a month of being there he met a young Kenyan women and started a relationship with her, after only 3 months he had a heart attack and was
flown back for medical treatment, 3 weeks later he tells me he loves me but he’s not in love with me and that he had met this women and he loved her and she him, this was just so out of the blue as the whole time he was away he was
e-mailing me that he loved me could not wait to get home etc, he flow out to her 4 days after telling me for two weeks, upon his return he moved into his mothers apartment where he calls me nearly every day to have dinner with him and to
stay, I am weak and love him so mostly I do, he then found out this woman has been seeing other men and she had other visa applications she forgot to mention to my husband, he has been sending her money to pay her bills and applied for a
visa to bring her to Spain were we live with our son, he called me last week to tell me he had finished it with her and would I take him back, he then told me he had already booked a flight to go see her so he might as well go and have a
holiday, he went and the next day this woman called me to say he was in Mombasa, he told me he was in a hotel but I have not contact with him other than e-mail, he still there seeing her I bet, he e-mails me and tells me he is fine and to
trust him, he even e-mailed me to say goodnight, I don’t know what to believe any more what should I do I love him so much I am out of my mind. I have been brave enough to e-mail him to ask if he is back with her or not, but I only just
sent it and will he reply or not I don’t know, I not sure I really want to know can someone help me.
written by can’t leave him, 27 October, 2010
I’m reading all these comments and part of me is thinking could I really be this stupid, while another part of me says it’s ok...you’re normal. My husband of 3 years (together for 13 with 2 small kids) has told me he’s in love with
someone else. He says he wishes he didn’t have these feeling for her and can’t explain why he does. He went on a business trip in the middle of the year where she lives and slept with her then. And about a month ago, made up an
extravagant lie to tell me so he could go see her and sleep with her again. It’s even stupid of me to ask what I should do because I already know the answer but for the life of me I can’t leave this man. I love with everything I have. It
kills me a little everyday when I know he continues to have this relationship with this woman.
written by looking to the future, 29 October, 2010
You have to let go. Mine wants to be 25 again and found the woman he left at the altar than 40 years ago was a widow and available. He wants to make it up to her for not having married her ( he said he feels he ‘wronged’ her). of
course she doesn’t know he rang other ex girlfriends as well but they were still married. He came back after sleeping with her for two nights but a year later packed his bags and left a four line note. He is not sane. I am and I see
someone who is unreliable, irrational and generally no longer the man he was. I deserve better. All women in this situation have to protect themselves. Put yourself at the top of the list and then judge your husband/partner by his actions
not what he says. I am determined to be happy for myself, not base it on someone else. My idiot husband has given up everything he once valued and loved for an obsession and/or fantasy. He may have to make it reality because he has lost
everything else. How foolish is that? I know this has nothing to do with me but is just about him and that nothing I can do will fix him. Once you can take that on board and put yourself and your children first you will be in recovery.
Not easy but essential for life to go on.
written by Albert, 02 November, 2010
I have a similar problem. Married for 25 years and now finding out my wife has screwed around on me my whole marriage. Her best friend finally decided to tell me this after I found out she was having a affair with some 52 year old
stock boy in a book store. A real moron. She said my wife has always been like this and told her to get help before she married me. Gee,thanks for the tip. I forgot to mention we have 5 kids together.. I decided to get rid of her for the
good of my family. People ask me how I manage being a single dad on my own. My answer is simple. I’m doing the job I always wanted. I love being a father and am dam proud of it! Eventually I’ll meet someone again but for now I’ll keep the
kids smiling. Never lose yourself over someone. Find who you were before you got married,you’ll feel a lot better. Find old hobbies and interests. Believe me, everyone’s afraid of growing old alone but who wants to live with someone who
makes you old before your time. Trust me you will be rewarded with a fuller life in the end. God bless all of you !
written by Neyma, 20 March, 2011
I feel for you but I don’t understand how passive you are about his affair. Why did you move out the house. You should never ever do that. It is almost as if you think that if you let him do whatever he wants he will love you back in
return. NO way you ever should let him get away with that. You should divorce him but have him pay you spousal support, continue paying the mortgage if you have one or if not find he must pay you for half of the house. You should get your
self-esteem back and believe me you are wort it
written by Lakshmi, 24 April, 2011
PLEASE, stay strong!
written by Angel KN, 13 June, 2011
In the case of cheating husband, if he really love you he won’t fall for the second. Maybe he still with you because he afraid to make any decision (the reason offamily, parents and so on) so, both side has to convinced him to be able
to make a good choice seems it fair to everyone..
it’s not a good choice to keep the marriage life when his heart is moving to other woman.. actually the married is over when your husband is in love with other.
it’s not a good choice to keep the marriage life when his heart is moving to other woman.. actually the married is over when your husband is in love with other.
written by Ranjana, 17 June, 2011
I have similar situation as you. But only difference is that they are not physically involved they live very far apart. I got to know about this last week. I am expecting a baby next week. he tells me he has ended his chat, phone
calls with her from the time i knew. But he is miserable because of it. he is always in pain. And i am in pain. I have no idea what to do i cannot relocate. I love him so much that the mere thought of leaving him kills me. I just cant
live without him. He tells time will help us heal through this situation. But i dont know what to do now. Please help me.
written by :(, 05 July, 2011
we as woman are stronger then we realize keep your head up and if you truly love him you’ll let him be
written by Hanging on, 02 September, 2011
I have a similar situation as all of you. You can’t make him love you I have come to realize. Work on who you are and what you want. Find new friends, take classes, do things on your own. Build up yourself, be strong. You will be up
and down for a long time, but the down times will become fewer. He doesn’t want me is a very hard pill to swallow. He is giving you a very big opportunity to become yourself again, take it.
written by Gabriella, 12 September, 2011
Hi,I have also a very similar situation. We been married for 26 years, have two grown up children. About five years ago I found out my husband has a lover on the internet. She is a sister of one of our friends and lives in a different
country. They are already talked about the future of theirs. Every day they exchange letters, and talk on the phone, on the internet and when I found out this it was a big slap on my face. I thought our love is strong enough to face
anything and everything over the years, but I guess it is not. I don’t know what to do, how to react for this and I am so tired of this. Every day I have to face this and believe in the possibility of he maybe fall back in love with me
and forget about her. I don’t know. And also he told me to find someone for myself to be with, but I do not need anybody, but him Thank you.
written by Joni, 26 September, 2011
Found out my husband has been cheating with a girl from work (we’ve been married 11 years). He went on a "boys weekend", which turned out he was with his girlfriend. I was blindsided and crushed. But let’s face it girls
– they have moved on, they just didn’t bother to tell us. I know the pain/hurt. I went into intensive therapy. It has now been two months. Still hurts everyday, but I WILL NOT give him control over me. Filing for divorce tomorrow.
Get therapy, get a lawyer and let’s all take back our lives. We will survive this !!! (and yes, I still cry everyday).
written by Zindy, 28 September, 2011
God is great that if you let him in to this matter you will see his grace and get back with your husband.
written by Hanging on, 05 October, 2011
Gabriella, I feel for you. I have a similar situation where it is my face everyday also. And I have gone back and forth about him falling back in love with me and forgetting about her. Don’t get your hopes up, work on yourself make
new friends you desire better then that! Why do we let guys put us though this? Be strong! Enjoy life!
written by..., 13 October, 2011
I’m lost feel unwanted!!! It hurts so bad. My husband of 10 years was caught in a emotional affair. He was talking with this girl he had dated over the computer. They have been talking for two months. She talked about marriage what
kind of ring she wanted. He told her he has feelings for her. Had fantasies of them having sex in the woods while hunting. She asked him would he come and get her. He said soon. I have no one to talk with. When confronted he said he was
just going along with her. He told me everything he said to her was a lie. I’m I overreacting? I need advice so bad!!!!
written by hurting lover..., 19 October, 2011
I understand the pain everyone here is going through. I recently confronted my fiancee about an affair he’s been having with a "married woman" and he blatantly told me that he Loves & worships her! You can imagine how
deep those words have cut me like a knife. I was very hurt however I do love him very much and we have decided to see how things works out. I cant help but being hurt and only to find out they have still been in contact and still
exchanging "I love you’s" I do know what to do and that is to just let him be. Its just so hard and hurts very much. Why love relationships has to be so complicated...??
written by drak night ,,,,, 29 October, 2011
hello every one am really feel sorry for all heartbroken people as me. its kind strange after 5 years love married one day my wife told me that she dosnt love me any more and i asked abut reason she said no reason. i give her much
love i never cheated on her in my life i loved her more then anything but she just left me as hell. after 15 days i found out that she love some one on net which they far away from each other. i tried anything everything but she just said
i dont hate u. i still care about u, but dont love u any more and after while i had chat with his bf he told me he is the one which told her to leave me. its been 2 months every day and night i smoke weed and drinks as hell but still miss
her and try to find out why she left me even i cant ask god or family only ask my self why she left and cant find the reason. please help me out what to do. i really love her. tks god bless all.
written by sobroken, 04 November, 2011
hi my story is different i guess. after 17yrs with a man that physically and emotionally mentally and verbally abused me all of the time day in and day out and had so many affairs with much older woman and very young ladies every
chance he got, i left him i moved to my hometown where i met and fell in love with the most kindest handsome man that swept me off my feet we married had 2 children and now we have been together for 7yrs this jan...anyway he cheated on me
in the beginning i know i should have left then but i didnt he leaves me every year for few nights goes out goes with other ladies then comes back to me telling me he loves me i wonder how could he love me if i walk in and he is inside of
another woman how could he love me if he is showing off another woman to his family and this woman is telling my husbands family she loves him how could i be so stupid? thats only naming few times hes hurt me dont get me wrong i have
cheated on him too but not until 4years after being heartbroken that my husband wasnt in love with me anymore because if he was he wouldnt do this too me all the time and for me a few times well i say once because i dont really know if i
slept with my ex that night all i know is i woke up and he was there i left i gfot out of there as fast as i could...but the other 2 times i never cheated i tell him this all the time i thought if i bring women into our bedroom 3some he
wouldnt have to leave me anymore to go look for it if u know what i mean...anyway we did have a 3some and after that when my husband left me i ended up with another woman i admitted what i did to my husband i was stooping to his level to
feel wanted and loved and needed i know i was wrong so wrong at so many levels but he pushed me away is how i see it but all i want is for him to love me for me wholeheartedly thats all i want but now i feel as if he is still out to hurt
me all the time and i still stay??? i dont know someone please help me i am so broken right now i need help i know this but so does he he doesnt see it though...
written by that woman, 08 November, 2011
well I’m the woman that knew he was married and still messed with him... knowing that he has been married to her for 7 yrs with 3kids together... we been messing off two years now... she found out 3 months ago.and he came bk to me oct
28,2011. I love him very much so.I got somebody else as well. No I’m not married but I been with the father of my child for 6 yrs.me and the married have stuck around a lot. We did it in her car ,his car,my bed,his job etc. Its hard tryin
to stop messing with him bc I hve fallen in love with him. I think he love me to..bc if he didn’t y would he come bk to me.. she knows how I am and everything.. smdh
written by that woman, 08 November, 2011
A man is a dog.. and a dog can be trained!
written by A Wife, 15 November, 2011
@ "that woman"...you should be ashamed of yourself! What kind of person does that?
He is a married man. Stop trying to ruin his marriage. He will not leave his wife to be with you. I hate to judge, but you need to grow up and show some self-respect.
It’s not all your fault because he is also responsible for this situation. You’re not entirely to blame. But at the same time, you need to understand that what goes around comes around. How would you feel if somebody were cheating on you? Have you ever stopped to consider his wife and children?
You know that this man is married, but it sounds like you don’t care. Being "in love" is no excuse to have an affair with a married man. I could understand if you didn’t know about his wife and kids, but you knew about it...you simply don’t care.
My husband might be having an affair. I have a feeling that he is seeing somebody, but I have no proof. My heart is broken when I consider the possibility that he is being unfaithful.
I have no respect for women like you, who knowingly sleep with married men. To all home-wreckers, please think about the pain you bring to the wives and children of these men. Find a man of your own...somebody who will love you and make you happy. Don’t try to steal another woman’s husband just because you can.
He is a married man. Stop trying to ruin his marriage. He will not leave his wife to be with you. I hate to judge, but you need to grow up and show some self-respect.
It’s not all your fault because he is also responsible for this situation. You’re not entirely to blame. But at the same time, you need to understand that what goes around comes around. How would you feel if somebody were cheating on you? Have you ever stopped to consider his wife and children?
You know that this man is married, but it sounds like you don’t care. Being "in love" is no excuse to have an affair with a married man. I could understand if you didn’t know about his wife and kids, but you knew about it...you simply don’t care.
My husband might be having an affair. I have a feeling that he is seeing somebody, but I have no proof. My heart is broken when I consider the possibility that he is being unfaithful.
I have no respect for women like you, who knowingly sleep with married men. To all home-wreckers, please think about the pain you bring to the wives and children of these men. Find a man of your own...somebody who will love you and make you happy. Don’t try to steal another woman’s husband just because you can.
written by aquarian8686, 20 November, 2011
Im with a married man and Im very happy. His wife knows abt me in fact we have spoke on the phone on two different occasions. Im very content being the other woman. He treats me so well, better that ive ever been treated before. Sure
it hurts his wife but such is life hey. I dont force her husband to be with me. He consents to his involvement with me. You can call me a homewrecker but I really dont care. You married women need to learn how to keep your man happy and
stop complaining when he gets someone else. ITS A DOG EAT DOG WORLD....and karma will deal with me I guess. But we have all wronged and hurt someone before. Such is life...
written by confused/hurt/angry, 21 November, 2011
My husband and i have been through a lot in the last 20 years & have always made it through. I love him with all my heart. I thought everything was fine between us. Now i find out that he is falling for a girl at work. He told me
he loves me but hes not in love with me. He’s confused because he says that if he truly loved me then he wouldnt of fell for this other woman. He says he’s not going to kick me out & that he needs time to decide if he wants to stay
with me or try it with her. He dont know if he "wants to ruin what he has at home or what he has at work". He says he told her that hes not kicking me out & she told him she understands. I cant just up and leave. I dont have
the means to, but how do i stay here & watch this happen? How do i sit here & wait until he decides if he wants us to work or be with her? Im a wreck.
written by LittleTTT, 23 November, 2011
Hi
I’ve read the majority of the these posts and all i can say is that i feel for everyone. I am in a horrible position where i am now dating a married man who has 3 children. They are is his world and that is how it should stay. His wife does not love or respect him anymore, proven by the financial difficulties she has placed him in. I have tried to leave the relationship but we click to well, we just connect deeper than normal. I do not want him to ever leave his children and so i know we cannot continue this. It is hard to leave as we love each other very much and i have heard and seen the way he is treated by his wife. This started simply as friendship but now it is a full blown emotional affair.
Do you not think that maybe in relationships people out grow one another? Staying together for the sake of the children has been proven to cause more emotional damage than separating. Maybe him and his wife need to sort their differences out together and decide what is best for their family. I am not a home wrecker and will never be but you cannot help what the heart wants even if the mind knows it is wrong.
Please do not think it is easy to live as the ‘other woman’, i feel incredible guilt when i think of his children and wife. Sick to the pit of my stomach is one way to describe it. But it is hard to leave the person you truly love – we all have one life to live and each should find their own way to be happy. If i must face my maker than i will take it on the chin for what i have done. But do not forget let those without sin cast the first stone. I think you’ll find no-one is capable of throwing that first stone.
I’ve read the majority of the these posts and all i can say is that i feel for everyone. I am in a horrible position where i am now dating a married man who has 3 children. They are is his world and that is how it should stay. His wife does not love or respect him anymore, proven by the financial difficulties she has placed him in. I have tried to leave the relationship but we click to well, we just connect deeper than normal. I do not want him to ever leave his children and so i know we cannot continue this. It is hard to leave as we love each other very much and i have heard and seen the way he is treated by his wife. This started simply as friendship but now it is a full blown emotional affair.
Do you not think that maybe in relationships people out grow one another? Staying together for the sake of the children has been proven to cause more emotional damage than separating. Maybe him and his wife need to sort their differences out together and decide what is best for their family. I am not a home wrecker and will never be but you cannot help what the heart wants even if the mind knows it is wrong.
Please do not think it is easy to live as the ‘other woman’, i feel incredible guilt when i think of his children and wife. Sick to the pit of my stomach is one way to describe it. But it is hard to leave the person you truly love – we all have one life to live and each should find their own way to be happy. If i must face my maker than i will take it on the chin for what i have done. But do not forget let those without sin cast the first stone. I think you’ll find no-one is capable of throwing that first stone.
written by aggie, 02 December, 2011
My heart goes to all men and women who are in deep pain. There is no words that describe such pain, yr spouse hurting you are the most painful, stressful, mental wrecking.
Here is my suggestion. First love yourself, get exercise, eat well meaning balance diet, get fit, look after your finance, stop self pity, read Godly book written for your situation, understand that you cannot change him or her, understand that you have not control, understand that you can only control your response towards him, understand that he/she has no control over her situation as well. If you are strong enough and welling to walk along to get him/her back, know that it is a very long hard road but its worth it. In order to be strong for that, only by the Grace of gOd, it require you to pray and pray, look for the right prayer in the store.
It is not impossible, if you trust in God for the right timing.
There is no men/women 100% bad, they maybe in Pain themselves, so hang on there if you think there is the slightest chance of reconciliation.
I love you all and may God bless you, know that it will pass.
Here is my suggestion. First love yourself, get exercise, eat well meaning balance diet, get fit, look after your finance, stop self pity, read Godly book written for your situation, understand that you cannot change him or her, understand that you have not control, understand that you can only control your response towards him, understand that he/she has no control over her situation as well. If you are strong enough and welling to walk along to get him/her back, know that it is a very long hard road but its worth it. In order to be strong for that, only by the Grace of gOd, it require you to pray and pray, look for the right prayer in the store.
It is not impossible, if you trust in God for the right timing.
There is no men/women 100% bad, they maybe in Pain themselves, so hang on there if you think there is the slightest chance of reconciliation.
I love you all and may God bless you, know that it will pass.
written by Upset and suspicious, 06 December, 2011
My husband has been very keen to see my best friend in these days, wanting to invite her to every outing we do together. The worse was when I had to go away from town and he took her out on pretext that my best friend is his best
friend too! I do not know if he is trying to pursue her or is sincerely taking her as best friend but I feel that he is falling for her and I even told him that he should not be too keen on her as it hurts me. I hope there is nothing in
his mind and it is all in my mind.
written by Medy, 14 December, 2011
I am in the same position. I am married to my husband for almost five years now. I discovered recently that he is having an affair to a widow. I caught them talking on the phone and I wasn’t able to control myself and I told the woman
to leave my husband alone. She said she loves my husband and she wants to marry him the moment we are divorced. I still love my husband and I don’t want to give up on him. What shall I do to save this marriage? I need help.
written by SoSadAndHeartbroken, 18 January, 2012
I came across this blog and thread of answers today while googling "what to do when your spouse loves someone else."
It’s absolutely sickening and saddening to read so many messages from so many people whose spouses (seems to be largely husbands) have fallen for other people.
Here’s my story. My husband & I have been married for 16 years. Things were even a bit of a roller coaster when we were dating, but we fell so hard for one another. But there were fidelity issues on his part for the first couple years of our relationship. We met at college, when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore. I had been seeing someone for about 2-1/2 years at the time, but the guy had gone to college something like 12 hours away from where we lived and after he went to college things got harder & harder. Lots of pressure from his parents to break up with me because they didn’t like him being tied down to just one person yet in his life. Our relationship deteriorated a lot the last year or so but we kept hanging on, despite the long distance. He & I decided to date other people but still date one another. The condition was – when one of us met someone else we had strong feelings for, it was time to break up. And that is what happened for me with my husband. So many things just clicked with us. Our personalities and a lot of our interests were different, but those core important things connected. Our faith, our love of family, our views on major issues. And beside that, there was just a deep connection. We hung out as friends for a month or so until I knew I had met someone I had strong feelings for and broke up with my boyfriend per our condition.
My now-husband & I had fallen so hard for one another, but we faced issues along the way. They were really his issues, as I was 100% committed to him. First he couldn’t bring himself to completely cut off from his ex-girlfriend, even though he & I were very serious with one another. She became sort of a stalker, and he didn’t put his foot down and just start ignoring her because he didn’t want to be the bad guy. We had some issues the first summer after we started going out. I set out the ultimatum that if he wanted to be with me he had to cut off from her. It seemed by the start of our next year at school, that was the case.
But our next year had rocky moments from the beginning. His father and uncle were really pressuring him about not dating seriously until he got done with school. It was taking a toll. So early in the year we emotionally broke up to get mostly his dad off his back, but were back together the very next day. I thought things were going pretty well. We had some "battles" over my hope for his health that he would quit smoking. And then it happened. I was forming a friendship with a girl who was a freshman that year. She lived on my floor in the dorm. We learned we both loved music, and shared a birthday a day apart. Other things clicked for us as friends. If you think I’m going to say *I* fell for her – WRONG! She was just becoming a good friend, or so I thought.
Problem was, when I was hanging out with my now-husband, she would come around and hang out, too. She was sarcastic and funny and sort of always got him laughing. After some time, it started bugging me. I would get to his room to find notes from her on the white board on his door, and after a semi-formal dance, she had given him a picture of herself that she took right after doing her hair. Something didn’t seem right to me. I remember sitting there with her and having her say that she enjoyed hanging out with him because he reminded her of her brothers at home. She was homesick and it helped.
Well that Valentine’s Day we all had a meeting together, then I had a music practice. My guy & I had had some dinner but were going to meet up after my practice was done. Only problem – when I came around to his work-study job to meet up with him, he was nowhere to be found. I went to his room, I went to all the places where we usually hung out. I started feeling suspicious so went to *my* friend’s room, and she wasn’t there either. The boyfriend of one of my good friends walked with me all over campus looking for my guy and we couldn’t find him. Then at something like 3 AM he got back. I told him we needed to talk and he gave me so much attitude. I asked where he had been, and was he with my "friend." He had been, and they had been in the Communications lab. I had never checked there because it was locked up at night, but I guess she had a key. I was furious. He said, "well if you don’t want me to be friends with her anymore, break up with me!" And I said, "FINE, I WILL!!" and took off the diamond "pre"-engagement (really, we were pretty much engaged with no date set b/c of finishing up school) ring he had given me a little over a year before and just kind of shoved it at him and took off.
It’s absolutely sickening and saddening to read so many messages from so many people whose spouses (seems to be largely husbands) have fallen for other people.
Here’s my story. My husband & I have been married for 16 years. Things were even a bit of a roller coaster when we were dating, but we fell so hard for one another. But there were fidelity issues on his part for the first couple years of our relationship. We met at college, when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore. I had been seeing someone for about 2-1/2 years at the time, but the guy had gone to college something like 12 hours away from where we lived and after he went to college things got harder & harder. Lots of pressure from his parents to break up with me because they didn’t like him being tied down to just one person yet in his life. Our relationship deteriorated a lot the last year or so but we kept hanging on, despite the long distance. He & I decided to date other people but still date one another. The condition was – when one of us met someone else we had strong feelings for, it was time to break up. And that is what happened for me with my husband. So many things just clicked with us. Our personalities and a lot of our interests were different, but those core important things connected. Our faith, our love of family, our views on major issues. And beside that, there was just a deep connection. We hung out as friends for a month or so until I knew I had met someone I had strong feelings for and broke up with my boyfriend per our condition.
My now-husband & I had fallen so hard for one another, but we faced issues along the way. They were really his issues, as I was 100% committed to him. First he couldn’t bring himself to completely cut off from his ex-girlfriend, even though he & I were very serious with one another. She became sort of a stalker, and he didn’t put his foot down and just start ignoring her because he didn’t want to be the bad guy. We had some issues the first summer after we started going out. I set out the ultimatum that if he wanted to be with me he had to cut off from her. It seemed by the start of our next year at school, that was the case.
But our next year had rocky moments from the beginning. His father and uncle were really pressuring him about not dating seriously until he got done with school. It was taking a toll. So early in the year we emotionally broke up to get mostly his dad off his back, but were back together the very next day. I thought things were going pretty well. We had some "battles" over my hope for his health that he would quit smoking. And then it happened. I was forming a friendship with a girl who was a freshman that year. She lived on my floor in the dorm. We learned we both loved music, and shared a birthday a day apart. Other things clicked for us as friends. If you think I’m going to say *I* fell for her – WRONG! She was just becoming a good friend, or so I thought.
Problem was, when I was hanging out with my now-husband, she would come around and hang out, too. She was sarcastic and funny and sort of always got him laughing. After some time, it started bugging me. I would get to his room to find notes from her on the white board on his door, and after a semi-formal dance, she had given him a picture of herself that she took right after doing her hair. Something didn’t seem right to me. I remember sitting there with her and having her say that she enjoyed hanging out with him because he reminded her of her brothers at home. She was homesick and it helped.
Well that Valentine’s Day we all had a meeting together, then I had a music practice. My guy & I had had some dinner but were going to meet up after my practice was done. Only problem – when I came around to his work-study job to meet up with him, he was nowhere to be found. I went to his room, I went to all the places where we usually hung out. I started feeling suspicious so went to *my* friend’s room, and she wasn’t there either. The boyfriend of one of my good friends walked with me all over campus looking for my guy and we couldn’t find him. Then at something like 3 AM he got back. I told him we needed to talk and he gave me so much attitude. I asked where he had been, and was he with my "friend." He had been, and they had been in the Communications lab. I had never checked there because it was locked up at night, but I guess she had a key. I was furious. He said, "well if you don’t want me to be friends with her anymore, break up with me!" And I said, "FINE, I WILL!!" and took off the diamond "pre"-engagement (really, we were pretty much engaged with no date set b/c of finishing up school) ring he had given me a little over a year before and just kind of shoved it at him and took off.
written by SoSadAndHeartbroken, 18 January, 2012
continued...
We had broken up and I was miserable. I can’t remember when I found out, but I did learn that they had kissed and made out some that night. I was so hurt. No one had ever cheated on me before. But at the same time, all I wanted was to be back with him. Things between he and my then-ex-friend ended pretty quickly but he was still testing the waters and hanging out with other girls. I don’t think he was doing anything with any of them, other than hanging out. Of course it didn’t matter much since we had broken up. But I did not date anyone. I was in a deep depression, only wanted to be with him. Ended up still being faithful to him despite the fact that I *could* have dated other people. We were broken up for about a month. In that time, he regretted his what he did and tried getting back together with me a few times. I felt like he was being too emotional with it, and needed to know that both his heart AND head were in getting back together. I felt that if we got back together when he was just crazy-emotional, we were setting ourselves up for him to find someone else again before too long. Then one day he asked to talk to me and asked once again if I’d consider giving him another chance. This time he seemed to be more even about it, and was acting in the way I was waiting for. Just very sincere. So I agreed, and we got back together, and I’ll be honest – once we were back together we were better than we had been before. I didn’t have any doubts about his fidelity. By his senior year we were even more deeply in love than ever. By the summer after, we couldn’t stand that 1h. 45m. separated us on our breaks. And hated that during my senior year we’d be about 3-1/2 hours away since he was back at home in VA and I’d be at our college in PA. We were very seriously talking marriage by then, and were starting to talk about how soon after I was done with school that we’d get married, and when we’d make the engagement publicly official. That all came a bit earlier than planned when I learned at the start of the year that I was pregnant. We had said that if I got pregnant that we’d get married because we loved each other and wanted to be married anyway. So we were married the December of my senior year, and our son was born the following March. I did graduate, but went to being a stay-at-home-mom right away. My husband had gotten a job near our school so he could be back up in PA and so we’d be in PA for me to finish my degree.
Our first year was tough because of his job. He worked a swing shift and it was crazy. So, newlyweds, new parents, and rotten shift – just hard. But we were doing okay overall. Then a month or two after our first anniversary, I was going through some boxes. I found a picture of his ex-girlfriend that had been taken the first summer he & I were together. I recognized it as being from Gettysburg, PA and remembered how that summer he had her car for a couple weeks when she went to Puerto Rico. I had been happy that I got to see him more for a couple weeks because he had transportation, but I was very unhappy that it was his ex-girlfriend’s car. And the reason he had it, was that she had asked him to drive her to the airport, which he did. But I didn’t know they had taken a side trip to the battlefield. I was upset so asked him about it. Then the truth came out that yes, he had driven her to the airport, but yes, when he picked her up again from the airport they took a side trip to the battlefield. And that the night or two before she was set to leave, she asked him to come over to talk. He went, and she asked him to hold on a minute, then went to a back room and came out in a bikini, asking him, "what do you think?" Proceeded to strip and basically give him a lap dance and one thing led to another and he "thought" that maybe they had had sex. Well, I’m SURE they had had sex. They hadn’t when they were dating, but he & I started an intimate relationship toward the end of my freshman year, several months after we had started going out. He knew what sex felt like. I never did buy it that he wasn’t sure.
We had broken up and I was miserable. I can’t remember when I found out, but I did learn that they had kissed and made out some that night. I was so hurt. No one had ever cheated on me before. But at the same time, all I wanted was to be back with him. Things between he and my then-ex-friend ended pretty quickly but he was still testing the waters and hanging out with other girls. I don’t think he was doing anything with any of them, other than hanging out. Of course it didn’t matter much since we had broken up. But I did not date anyone. I was in a deep depression, only wanted to be with him. Ended up still being faithful to him despite the fact that I *could* have dated other people. We were broken up for about a month. In that time, he regretted his what he did and tried getting back together with me a few times. I felt like he was being too emotional with it, and needed to know that both his heart AND head were in getting back together. I felt that if we got back together when he was just crazy-emotional, we were setting ourselves up for him to find someone else again before too long. Then one day he asked to talk to me and asked once again if I’d consider giving him another chance. This time he seemed to be more even about it, and was acting in the way I was waiting for. Just very sincere. So I agreed, and we got back together, and I’ll be honest – once we were back together we were better than we had been before. I didn’t have any doubts about his fidelity. By his senior year we were even more deeply in love than ever. By the summer after, we couldn’t stand that 1h. 45m. separated us on our breaks. And hated that during my senior year we’d be about 3-1/2 hours away since he was back at home in VA and I’d be at our college in PA. We were very seriously talking marriage by then, and were starting to talk about how soon after I was done with school that we’d get married, and when we’d make the engagement publicly official. That all came a bit earlier than planned when I learned at the start of the year that I was pregnant. We had said that if I got pregnant that we’d get married because we loved each other and wanted to be married anyway. So we were married the December of my senior year, and our son was born the following March. I did graduate, but went to being a stay-at-home-mom right away. My husband had gotten a job near our school so he could be back up in PA and so we’d be in PA for me to finish my degree.
Our first year was tough because of his job. He worked a swing shift and it was crazy. So, newlyweds, new parents, and rotten shift – just hard. But we were doing okay overall. Then a month or two after our first anniversary, I was going through some boxes. I found a picture of his ex-girlfriend that had been taken the first summer he & I were together. I recognized it as being from Gettysburg, PA and remembered how that summer he had her car for a couple weeks when she went to Puerto Rico. I had been happy that I got to see him more for a couple weeks because he had transportation, but I was very unhappy that it was his ex-girlfriend’s car. And the reason he had it, was that she had asked him to drive her to the airport, which he did. But I didn’t know they had taken a side trip to the battlefield. I was upset so asked him about it. Then the truth came out that yes, he had driven her to the airport, but yes, when he picked her up again from the airport they took a side trip to the battlefield. And that the night or two before she was set to leave, she asked him to come over to talk. He went, and she asked him to hold on a minute, then went to a back room and came out in a bikini, asking him, "what do you think?" Proceeded to strip and basically give him a lap dance and one thing led to another and he "thought" that maybe they had had sex. Well, I’m SURE they had had sex. They hadn’t when they were dating, but he & I started an intimate relationship toward the end of my freshman year, several months after we had started going out. He knew what sex felt like. I never did buy it that he wasn’t sure.
written by SoSadAndHeartbroken, 18 January, 2012
What was I to do? We were still newlyweds, and our son was 10 or 11 months old. It was in the past and hadn’t happened again, but it hurt me so badly. Everything for me went to "what is wrong with me? What is it about her?"
And I began an endless self-beating for not being this-or-that enough like her. Every picture of her I found from their time dating (before he met me), I took and hid. I relished basically using that picture from Gettysburg as a dartboard
target. Oh, did I HATE her. I couldn’t stand her already for all the stalking of him that she did during our relationship. But it was then that I really fell into a LONG period of self-loathing that lasted for several years. I was angry
at him for cheating on me when I had given EVERYTHING of myself to him. I had kissed guys but had never even engaged in any "petting" with anyone else. I had intended to wait until marriage for all that, but I was so
passionately & deeply in love with him that all those reservations fell away and I gave myself to him. And he had accepted the precious gem of my virginity...and then turned around and put himself in a situation where the temptation
was too great. He said that things started, but he stopped himself saying, "what the hell am I doing?" Told her "STOP, I’m with J____," pushed her away and didn’t continue anything. I’d like to believe that’s true. I
did believe it back then, but these days I’m not so sure.
Because these days, 16 years of marriage, a 15 year old son, 7 year old daughter and one angel baby later, I’m finding myself scared once again that if he’s not cheating already, he might before too long. And that I do think he is starting an emotional affair with a co-worker that needs to be nipped in the bud. By him, by her – don’t care which one nips it, but it needs to be nipped.
(continuing...)
Because these days, 16 years of marriage, a 15 year old son, 7 year old daughter and one angel baby later, I’m finding myself scared once again that if he’s not cheating already, he might before too long. And that I do think he is starting an emotional affair with a co-worker that needs to be nipped in the bud. By him, by her – don’t care which one nips it, but it needs to be nipped.
(continuing...)
written by SoSadAndHeartbroken, 18 January, 2012
There has been a new person in a certain position at my husband’s job for quite a few months now. He mentioned her once or twice in passing early on and I really had no concerns back then. I’ll still say I was right in having no
concerns back then. But I guess it was in early December ‘11 that he started talking about her more and more. Talking about having lunch with she and another co-worker (on site, not out at any restaurant or anything), talking about how
other people at work have been teasing him that he wants to get with her and that she lights up when he comes around. How there were a few days when he was really wrapped up in work plus was tired of the teasing, so avoided her as much as
he could and then she got all upset that he hadn’t been around. I think all of the kidding (he works in a setting where a lot of off-color humor abounds, just given the nature of the setting) contributed to all of this. I think in the
beginning he was just enjoying talking to a friend, but the jokes made him pause and wonder.
Right before Christmas I told him I was uncomfortable with their friendship. I understand that they HAVE to see one another professionally because of their jobs. He works in psychology, she is the psychiatrist that he has to see for psych-related evaluations and turning in reports. But I didn’t see it as so necessary for him to have lunch with her fairly regularly, or to hang out with her until the end of her day. (his day ends an hour sooner) I said he really needed to watch it because even though at that time I didn’t think anything was really happening, I was worried about how it could appear and how appearances could come back and bite him in the rear.
Right before Christmas I told him I was uncomfortable with their friendship. I understand that they HAVE to see one another professionally because of their jobs. He works in psychology, she is the psychiatrist that he has to see for psych-related evaluations and turning in reports. But I didn’t see it as so necessary for him to have lunch with her fairly regularly, or to hang out with her until the end of her day. (his day ends an hour sooner) I said he really needed to watch it because even though at that time I didn’t think anything was really happening, I was worried about how it could appear and how appearances could come back and bite him in the rear.
written by SoSadAndHeartbroken, 18 January, 2012
(continued again)
Each time we’d go back & forth on things – he’d say, "but there’s nothing going on!" and I’d say, "but you’re a married man and despite you having to work together sometimes, there’s no need for you to spend extra time with her – especially when co-workers had already started giving you a hard time about your intent with her and her feelings for you. People don’t start jokes like that unless there’s a reason. Even if there’s nothing going on, you are allowing people to perceive that there is."
He seemed to accept that. We had a great, busy Christmas. He had the 26th off because of the holiday schedule, started feeling sick the 27th, took off the 29th because of being sick, had already requested the 30th b/c of our anniversary, and then had the weekend + Jan. 2 off due to the holiday. So we had a LOT of nice time together.
But right after he got back to work after the holidays I started to worry again. AGAIN he had at least one day where he stayed later than he needed to because he dropped paperwork off at the end of his day and hung around until closer to the end of her day.
And then that Friday was when the biggest alarms went off. He came home from work that day in a funk. Just in a really crummy mood because she had "dissed" him at lunch. She had called him to see if he wanted to meet down at the cafeteria for lunch and when he got there she was at a table with a bunch of other people and there was no room for him. If this was just a normal friendship, he would have maybe gotten annoyed, probably would have said something, and would have found someone else to eat with. But with her...he was hurt. Not just annoyed, but had hurt feelings. Like a schoolboy who was just snubbed by the girl he has a crush on. My husband sat and sulked about the whole thing for about a half hour or so before snapping out of it. We even talked about it. I told him that he SHOULDN’T be taking it so hard and shouldn’t be reacting the way he was. It just wasn’t normal. I asked – if it had been one of his other friends (one of the guys) – would he be reacting the same way. He said "no," because he would have been able to just say something and move on. Even he was sitting there wondering, "why am I feeling this way?"
Well, that weekend was good for us. He decided that it wasn’t worth it to be acting the way he was, and just decided that he wasn’t going to talk to her for a couple days. Those first couple of days the next week were GREAT. He’d come in, smiling once again, and joke, "well, I managed to avoid her all day!" or "it was a D___-free day!" It felt as if a burden were lifted from his shoulders, and I know a weight was lifted from my heart. But he couldn’t avoid her forever, job-wise. As soon as he had to see her that Wednesday, he felt bad for being mad, they were talking again, and I was left with the insecurities again.
Each time we’d go back & forth on things – he’d say, "but there’s nothing going on!" and I’d say, "but you’re a married man and despite you having to work together sometimes, there’s no need for you to spend extra time with her – especially when co-workers had already started giving you a hard time about your intent with her and her feelings for you. People don’t start jokes like that unless there’s a reason. Even if there’s nothing going on, you are allowing people to perceive that there is."
He seemed to accept that. We had a great, busy Christmas. He had the 26th off because of the holiday schedule, started feeling sick the 27th, took off the 29th because of being sick, had already requested the 30th b/c of our anniversary, and then had the weekend + Jan. 2 off due to the holiday. So we had a LOT of nice time together.
But right after he got back to work after the holidays I started to worry again. AGAIN he had at least one day where he stayed later than he needed to because he dropped paperwork off at the end of his day and hung around until closer to the end of her day.
And then that Friday was when the biggest alarms went off. He came home from work that day in a funk. Just in a really crummy mood because she had "dissed" him at lunch. She had called him to see if he wanted to meet down at the cafeteria for lunch and when he got there she was at a table with a bunch of other people and there was no room for him. If this was just a normal friendship, he would have maybe gotten annoyed, probably would have said something, and would have found someone else to eat with. But with her...he was hurt. Not just annoyed, but had hurt feelings. Like a schoolboy who was just snubbed by the girl he has a crush on. My husband sat and sulked about the whole thing for about a half hour or so before snapping out of it. We even talked about it. I told him that he SHOULDN’T be taking it so hard and shouldn’t be reacting the way he was. It just wasn’t normal. I asked – if it had been one of his other friends (one of the guys) – would he be reacting the same way. He said "no," because he would have been able to just say something and move on. Even he was sitting there wondering, "why am I feeling this way?"
Well, that weekend was good for us. He decided that it wasn’t worth it to be acting the way he was, and just decided that he wasn’t going to talk to her for a couple days. Those first couple of days the next week were GREAT. He’d come in, smiling once again, and joke, "well, I managed to avoid her all day!" or "it was a D___-free day!" It felt as if a burden were lifted from his shoulders, and I know a weight was lifted from my heart. But he couldn’t avoid her forever, job-wise. As soon as he had to see her that Wednesday, he felt bad for being mad, they were talking again, and I was left with the insecurities again.
written by SoSadAndHeartbroken, 18 January, 2012
He had come home one day either the week before, or early that week, and told me there was a retirement party coming up for another guy he worked with. People were asking if he was coming and bringing me. I told him I’d like to go,
just let me know if he wanted to do it. Then it just started going back & forth. Sometimes he seemed to like the idea of me coming and meeting people, meeting the girl I’m worried about so I don’t have to worry anymore. But the rest
of the time he was coming up with every reason for me not to go. Said it’s a rough crowd, especially when people start partying. Said he heard that people start to get stupid and play "grab-A&%" with one another and he
didn’t want me around that. But I was insistent. I figured if I was with him we could get home after an hour or two, and he would not be put in a situation where "she" might be there and if they hung out it would look bad. As of
the day of the party, we were planning on going together – unless we decided to go up and see my family for the weekend instead. Unfortunately, the travel option went out the door with some bad wintery weather that was coming in.
Now I wish we had still gone out of town despite the weather, and now I wish I had still insisted on going with him to that party.
See, he came home the day of the part in a good mood because a perfect solution had come up. He *said* that a former co-worker (but still working where he works – just in a different position so no longer working together daily) had come to him asking about the party. Supposedly the guy was interested in going, but didn’t want to bring his wife to one of these crazy parties. But being married and believing my husband to also be an upstanding married man – thought they could go together as backup or something. Just to ensure that neither was put in an uncomfortable spot. So that, and the news that "she" wasn’t going to be there until much later due to some paperwork she had to take care of, made me feel okay enough about the situation for him to go on his own. He and the guy would have each other’s backs and would get out of there at a reasonable time. *If* the guy didn’t make it (he was supposed to call if he wasn’t going to), my husband was supposed to turn around and come home, or have me meet him there. But that didn’t happen.
Instead, he got there around 7. I figured I’d hear from him around 8 or 8:30 that he was heading home. But 8:30 passed and nothing. I started trying to contact him via call & text, and would finally hear from him in a text. He told me he got caught up with helping in the cleanup and hoped to be home soon. Then 9:30 came and still nothing. Close to 10 came and he texted saying he was just about wrapped up and would be home soon. Then nothing, tried texting him a couple times, didn’t hear back for a little, then finally did. And finally, FINALLY, not long after I texted him to say it was nice of him to help but things were getting ridiculous and I was ready to come out there and get him – he showed up. But when he got here, he was texting someone in his car while I was out at mine getting in some groceries that I had bought earlier. I was ticked about him being so late. And I was even more ticked when I asked if his friend ever showed up and he said he didn’t...but my husband didn’t come home early or call me to come out there with him.
See, he came home the day of the part in a good mood because a perfect solution had come up. He *said* that a former co-worker (but still working where he works – just in a different position so no longer working together daily) had come to him asking about the party. Supposedly the guy was interested in going, but didn’t want to bring his wife to one of these crazy parties. But being married and believing my husband to also be an upstanding married man – thought they could go together as backup or something. Just to ensure that neither was put in an uncomfortable spot. So that, and the news that "she" wasn’t going to be there until much later due to some paperwork she had to take care of, made me feel okay enough about the situation for him to go on his own. He and the guy would have each other’s backs and would get out of there at a reasonable time. *If* the guy didn’t make it (he was supposed to call if he wasn’t going to), my husband was supposed to turn around and come home, or have me meet him there. But that didn’t happen.
Instead, he got there around 7. I figured I’d hear from him around 8 or 8:30 that he was heading home. But 8:30 passed and nothing. I started trying to contact him via call & text, and would finally hear from him in a text. He told me he got caught up with helping in the cleanup and hoped to be home soon. Then 9:30 came and still nothing. Close to 10 came and he texted saying he was just about wrapped up and would be home soon. Then nothing, tried texting him a couple times, didn’t hear back for a little, then finally did. And finally, FINALLY, not long after I texted him to say it was nice of him to help but things were getting ridiculous and I was ready to come out there and get him – he showed up. But when he got here, he was texting someone in his car while I was out at mine getting in some groceries that I had bought earlier. I was ticked about him being so late. And I was even more ticked when I asked if his friend ever showed up and he said he didn’t...but my husband didn’t come home early or call me to come out there with him.
written by SoSadAndHeartbroken, 18 January, 2012
And then after he got in the door, he continued to text someone for the next hour+. I asked at one point who it was and he kind of shook his head, didn’t answer. Some of the texting was between he, one of his brothers and their
brother-in-law, but I know that wasn’t all of it. He usually talks to them more on the phone than in text messages. But there he sat, texting away.
He finally wrapped that up a bit after midnight. But you know, despite him knowing how uncomfortable I am with him hanging out with "her," and how he usually reassures me if he went a day without seeing her, he didn’t say a single thing about whether she showed up to that party. Even though he knew that was a big concern of mine.
Rest of the weekend was okay. We were busy Saturday and Sunday with church-related things. Had dinner with a family we’re friends with Sunday afternoon. Then he was off Monday for MLK Day. It was so weird, though – even though we hadn’t gotten to sleep in all weekend and finally had the chance to sleep in that day, he didn’t. He got up and got ready to go somewhere. I kept asking him and he wouldn’t say. He had made a comment about confession and weekday Mass the night before, so I wondered about that. But wondered who had it by that time of the day. He told me he wouldn’t be long. But when I asked if it had occurred to him that I might like to go to a weekday Mass with him, he just very bluntly answered, "No." And that was that. He was out the door and on his way to "church." It’s true that he wasn’t gone long. Maybe 30-40 mins. But when he got back he was very quiet for a long time before we headed upstairs for us to rest. We got a little "quality time" in and at one point we were just cuddling and he said, "I’m such a dumba&%." I asked why and he said, "I just am." We were napping while our kids were still asleep, but I couldn’t stay asleep long. Something from earlier in the day had bugged me. When I went to look at his cell phone for the time, when I tried to unlock it it told me the PIN was incorrect. That shocked me. I’ve always known his PIN. When we travel I frequently use his phone to call or text our family whom we are seeing. Just as recently as Friday evening before he went to that party – I used his phone to make some calls to a couple stores asking about something he needed. And somewhere in there between Friday evening and Monday morning he changed his PIN.
This was nagging at me a lot. So when I couldn’t sleep anymore I went to our cell phone account online to see if I could find a reason. Sure enough I started to see several text messages between his phone and a number that I didn’t recognize. I tried googling the number and nothing turned up. Then finally I found a free service that allows you to connect directly to a cell phone voicemail without it ringing. I used that to call the number, and sure enough – it’s a young lady whose name is the same as "HER’S." I couldn’t believe it. Why was he texting her?
I kept quiet about it, though. Honestly, I don’t want him to know that I know how to see all this. I don’t think he realizes that I can see his text and call usage on our cell phone account. I have been taking pictures of the usage logs, to show just how many times he has been texting back and forth with her. And even though he changed his PIN on his phone, I saw what he typed in one time. I was able to look at his contacts and sure enough, found her name and the number that he has been texting so much to. I took a picture of that, too.
He finally wrapped that up a bit after midnight. But you know, despite him knowing how uncomfortable I am with him hanging out with "her," and how he usually reassures me if he went a day without seeing her, he didn’t say a single thing about whether she showed up to that party. Even though he knew that was a big concern of mine.
Rest of the weekend was okay. We were busy Saturday and Sunday with church-related things. Had dinner with a family we’re friends with Sunday afternoon. Then he was off Monday for MLK Day. It was so weird, though – even though we hadn’t gotten to sleep in all weekend and finally had the chance to sleep in that day, he didn’t. He got up and got ready to go somewhere. I kept asking him and he wouldn’t say. He had made a comment about confession and weekday Mass the night before, so I wondered about that. But wondered who had it by that time of the day. He told me he wouldn’t be long. But when I asked if it had occurred to him that I might like to go to a weekday Mass with him, he just very bluntly answered, "No." And that was that. He was out the door and on his way to "church." It’s true that he wasn’t gone long. Maybe 30-40 mins. But when he got back he was very quiet for a long time before we headed upstairs for us to rest. We got a little "quality time" in and at one point we were just cuddling and he said, "I’m such a dumba&%." I asked why and he said, "I just am." We were napping while our kids were still asleep, but I couldn’t stay asleep long. Something from earlier in the day had bugged me. When I went to look at his cell phone for the time, when I tried to unlock it it told me the PIN was incorrect. That shocked me. I’ve always known his PIN. When we travel I frequently use his phone to call or text our family whom we are seeing. Just as recently as Friday evening before he went to that party – I used his phone to make some calls to a couple stores asking about something he needed. And somewhere in there between Friday evening and Monday morning he changed his PIN.
This was nagging at me a lot. So when I couldn’t sleep anymore I went to our cell phone account online to see if I could find a reason. Sure enough I started to see several text messages between his phone and a number that I didn’t recognize. I tried googling the number and nothing turned up. Then finally I found a free service that allows you to connect directly to a cell phone voicemail without it ringing. I used that to call the number, and sure enough – it’s a young lady whose name is the same as "HER’S." I couldn’t believe it. Why was he texting her?
I kept quiet about it, though. Honestly, I don’t want him to know that I know how to see all this. I don’t think he realizes that I can see his text and call usage on our cell phone account. I have been taking pictures of the usage logs, to show just how many times he has been texting back and forth with her. And even though he changed his PIN on his phone, I saw what he typed in one time. I was able to look at his contacts and sure enough, found her name and the number that he has been texting so much to. I took a picture of that, too.
written by SoSadAndHeartbroken, 18 January, 2012
Finally, Monday evening I tried to lay down for about an hour, but couldn’t really rest much. Woke up with the WORST feeling in my gut. And every time I’ve had that feeling there has been a good reason for my bad feeling. I had it the
times he cheated on me in college, and I had it again that night.
I went to hug him at one point after showering with my shower stuff we both like. He commented on how good I smelled and I said I need to work on improving me and making me feel better about myself. He asked, "is that what this is about? Are you feeling insecure about things with [her] and inadequate? Sit down and talk to me." I told him I had just woken up with the worst feeling in my gut, and there’s always a reason for that. He asked if I thought it was because of her, and I did. Then I told him all the things that have been bothering me, except about KNOWING that he has been keeping in touch with her so much through texting. He told me that he’s been having a hard time and really needs my help. (though I’m not sure what help he needs) He admitted that he got really upset at himself the day he was feeling so sulky about the lunchtime diss. He was thinking to himself, "I shouldn’t be feeling this way. WHY am I feeling this way?" He knew he looked ridiculous.
But while I have been 100% faithful to him for our whole relationship, I have failings in other areas. I’m unorganized and not the greatest housekeeper, despite my desire to be perfect. I have messed up our finances several times and because of some reactions of his many years ago (i.e. him locking me out of the house one night when I was at work, he was home with our son who was about 4 around then, and a bill collector called about a missed payment) I have been deceitful myself about that. It’s fear-based. I do love him very, very much. Most of the time I can’t imagine life without him. I have never once thought of cheating on him, ever. But when he has reacted in ways completely foreign to me, I’ve resorted to sometimes robbing Peter to pay Paul, not filling him in on the status of all our bills, and sometimes payments have been missed and such because of our finances. Now, our finances did not get in the state they’re in just because of me. He lost a job about 4 years into our marriage and it took a few months before he had a regular income again. That set EVERYTHING off with our money. Before then I had been doing great with the bills. We had enough stress with him having to work away from our son and myself, with us having to move for the job, and he had the stress of being embarrassed over losing the job in the first place, and at the time I didn’t want to burden him as our debts went up and up. But then different times, as always, the truth comes out and he would learn about what was going on with the money. Battles would ensue, he would threaten me with divorce or say I’d be cut off from any access to the money at all. (most of our marriage I have been a stay at home mom – only times I worked were one attempt at a waitressing job when he lost his job – lasted a week...and another stint as a waitress for a couple months – that was when he locked me out of the house).
I went to hug him at one point after showering with my shower stuff we both like. He commented on how good I smelled and I said I need to work on improving me and making me feel better about myself. He asked, "is that what this is about? Are you feeling insecure about things with [her] and inadequate? Sit down and talk to me." I told him I had just woken up with the worst feeling in my gut, and there’s always a reason for that. He asked if I thought it was because of her, and I did. Then I told him all the things that have been bothering me, except about KNOWING that he has been keeping in touch with her so much through texting. He told me that he’s been having a hard time and really needs my help. (though I’m not sure what help he needs) He admitted that he got really upset at himself the day he was feeling so sulky about the lunchtime diss. He was thinking to himself, "I shouldn’t be feeling this way. WHY am I feeling this way?" He knew he looked ridiculous.
But while I have been 100% faithful to him for our whole relationship, I have failings in other areas. I’m unorganized and not the greatest housekeeper, despite my desire to be perfect. I have messed up our finances several times and because of some reactions of his many years ago (i.e. him locking me out of the house one night when I was at work, he was home with our son who was about 4 around then, and a bill collector called about a missed payment) I have been deceitful myself about that. It’s fear-based. I do love him very, very much. Most of the time I can’t imagine life without him. I have never once thought of cheating on him, ever. But when he has reacted in ways completely foreign to me, I’ve resorted to sometimes robbing Peter to pay Paul, not filling him in on the status of all our bills, and sometimes payments have been missed and such because of our finances. Now, our finances did not get in the state they’re in just because of me. He lost a job about 4 years into our marriage and it took a few months before he had a regular income again. That set EVERYTHING off with our money. Before then I had been doing great with the bills. We had enough stress with him having to work away from our son and myself, with us having to move for the job, and he had the stress of being embarrassed over losing the job in the first place, and at the time I didn’t want to burden him as our debts went up and up. But then different times, as always, the truth comes out and he would learn about what was going on with the money. Battles would ensue, he would threaten me with divorce or say I’d be cut off from any access to the money at all. (most of our marriage I have been a stay at home mom – only times I worked were one attempt at a waitressing job when he lost his job – lasted a week...and another stint as a waitress for a couple months – that was when he locked me out of the house).
written by SoSadAndHeartbroken, 18 January, 2012
So I have continued to live in fear of losing him, losing a way to get the groceries for our family, and the fear of looking like the failure I feel I am. So to the "other woman" who talked about the married man whose wife
must not love him because she has messed up their finances – that is not always the case unless it is proven that she did it with the intent of hurting him!
So I have not been the greatest. Of course, neither has he along the way. He might not mess up the money if he’s ever in charge of it (and he really hates handling it, so even when he gets mad that I’ve messed up, he still would rather I handle it), but he has done other things. Not only did I learn a year into our marriage that early in our dating relationship he slept with (or started to sleep with) his ex-girlfriend, another couple years later once we finally got internet, I learned that he has issues with pornography and masturbating. In the beginning I confronted him all the time, which only led to him being a jerk even more. So over the years I’ve been conditioned to confront him about that less and less, or to laugh it off even though it still hurts me. Back then, he argued that it has nothing to do with me and that I had no reason to be upset – it didn’t affect me. But it DID, and it DOES. I started trying to be those women to him. I started doing things I would have never thought of doing – all in an effort to keep his focus on us, and on me, rather than on women on the internet. Sometimes these days he is honest with me, but I suspect that it’s still a very big issue for him and that the majority of the time he is hiding it or lying to me about it.
He also has a horrible temper. He has not harmed me physically, but can be very verbally abusive both to me, and to our children. A couple years ago he went overboard with physical discipline of our son. He no longer does that, but the emotional scars are now there for our son.
So he is no saint.
Which brings me back to where we are now. Each time we have had problems, we fight through it, make up, and continue on until the next problem arises. He told me the issues with finances have really hurt him over time, and have really taken away from our relationship. I understand that because I feel that his issues have also taken away from our relationship over time. But despite all of that, although there are times when I have wondered if the kids & I should just pack up & leave, I have never once considered cheating on him nor have I done anything to cheat on him. Which brings me to the situation with this woman at work.
So he told me this, about how he’s been mad and hurt every time about the money problems. And that the most recent issue we had, he was ready to be over and done with. He was ready to find out what to do to separate and maybe file for divorce. But then he gets thinking about the kids and he does not want to abandon the kids. And despite the anger & hurt over our problems, he still loves me.
But he is feeling like something is missing with us and he doesn’t know what. He’s asking me, what is it that is missing? What did we lose?
He told me that yes, regarding the party, he embellished a bit about the guy who he was supposed to go with. It was never carved in stone the way he made it sound to be. I’m starting to think that he might have lied to the guy and told him he was bringing me, and the guy decided not to come because he didn’t want to be 3rd wheel. And then he decided not to bring me after all. He admits that he did all that to have the excuse to spend time with "D___" alone and maybe feel things out with her. He swears that nothing physical has happened. He says that hands-down I’m more physically attractive. So I asked what it is about her that draws him to her.
So I have not been the greatest. Of course, neither has he along the way. He might not mess up the money if he’s ever in charge of it (and he really hates handling it, so even when he gets mad that I’ve messed up, he still would rather I handle it), but he has done other things. Not only did I learn a year into our marriage that early in our dating relationship he slept with (or started to sleep with) his ex-girlfriend, another couple years later once we finally got internet, I learned that he has issues with pornography and masturbating. In the beginning I confronted him all the time, which only led to him being a jerk even more. So over the years I’ve been conditioned to confront him about that less and less, or to laugh it off even though it still hurts me. Back then, he argued that it has nothing to do with me and that I had no reason to be upset – it didn’t affect me. But it DID, and it DOES. I started trying to be those women to him. I started doing things I would have never thought of doing – all in an effort to keep his focus on us, and on me, rather than on women on the internet. Sometimes these days he is honest with me, but I suspect that it’s still a very big issue for him and that the majority of the time he is hiding it or lying to me about it.
He also has a horrible temper. He has not harmed me physically, but can be very verbally abusive both to me, and to our children. A couple years ago he went overboard with physical discipline of our son. He no longer does that, but the emotional scars are now there for our son.
So he is no saint.
Which brings me back to where we are now. Each time we have had problems, we fight through it, make up, and continue on until the next problem arises. He told me the issues with finances have really hurt him over time, and have really taken away from our relationship. I understand that because I feel that his issues have also taken away from our relationship over time. But despite all of that, although there are times when I have wondered if the kids & I should just pack up & leave, I have never once considered cheating on him nor have I done anything to cheat on him. Which brings me to the situation with this woman at work.
So he told me this, about how he’s been mad and hurt every time about the money problems. And that the most recent issue we had, he was ready to be over and done with. He was ready to find out what to do to separate and maybe file for divorce. But then he gets thinking about the kids and he does not want to abandon the kids. And despite the anger & hurt over our problems, he still loves me.
But he is feeling like something is missing with us and he doesn’t know what. He’s asking me, what is it that is missing? What did we lose?
He told me that yes, regarding the party, he embellished a bit about the guy who he was supposed to go with. It was never carved in stone the way he made it sound to be. I’m starting to think that he might have lied to the guy and told him he was bringing me, and the guy decided not to come because he didn’t want to be 3rd wheel. And then he decided not to bring me after all. He admits that he did all that to have the excuse to spend time with "D___" alone and maybe feel things out with her. He swears that nothing physical has happened. He says that hands-down I’m more physically attractive. So I asked what it is about her that draws him to her.
written by SoSadAndHeartbroken, 18 January, 2012
He says he’s not sure. She’s very intelligent. She’s a psychIATRIST, which means she is a doctor-doctor. Not a PhD. She went to med. school. But that makes me feel as if I’m NOT intelligent enough for him, despite the fact that I was
in gifted classes through all my schooling, had AP credits going into college. But my major was English, not Psychiatry like him. He says she’s tough (but told me I’m tough, too), and funny. Maybe that’s the thing – I’m a fairly
serious person. I love to laugh, and "get" good humor. But I’m not much of a smarta%& or joker myself. He says she’s really smart but down to earth. (but told me I am, too, and it’s one of the things that attracted him to
me) He told me that honestly he sees a lot of me in her. So my question is – if the things he likes about her are things he likes about me, why is he having feelings for her instead of just loving me? My guess is that there is no
baggage there. They have no history. They still barely know one another, really. They haven’t been through the struggles together about money, they haven’t been through him losing a job with a stay-at-home-wife and a 3 year-old. They
haven’t been through him changing jobs every 5 months – 3 years for most of a marriage. They haven’t been through having to pick up and move a number of times for jobs. They haven’t been through fertility struggles and losing a baby
(and almost my life) to a ruptured ectopic. We have. He has all the things that he loves, or loved, about me in her, without the stress and burden of the "for worse" years in a marriage.
He’s not in love with her, but has feelings for her. He doesn’t know if it’s that he enjoys the conversation and that she’s someone new. He wonders if part of it is that he is still harboring anger and hurt over all the times I’ve messed up with the money and it’s his way of getting back at me for shaking his trust in me time and again.
He’s not in love with her, but has feelings for her. He doesn’t know if it’s that he enjoys the conversation and that she’s someone new. He wonders if part of it is that he is still harboring anger and hurt over all the times I’ve messed up with the money and it’s his way of getting back at me for shaking his trust in me time and again.
written by SoSadAndHeartbroken, 18 January, 2012
He was honest with me, or I think he was, about things. He says nothing has happened. He hasn’t actually cheated on me. But I feel like he is starting an emotional affair. Especially with the events that have followed.
He told me that Friday night at the party, she did show up later. They did hang out a bit and have a couple beers and talk. She was talking about being lonely and she hasn’t met a good guy yet. She feels they’re intimidated because she’s a doctor, and a psychiatrist. He told her she will meet a good guy, and that, well, if he wasn’t married... He says she then cut him off abruptly with a "BUT YOU ARE." and ended it there.
He admitted to some texting between them that night – they were just checking in on each other to make sure they each got home safely.
But what I know is that the texts did not end with just a few exchanges to say, "got in okay" "good, got in okay here, too." I have been keeping track. From 11:07 PM Friday night – 12:33 AM Saturday morning he sent her 9 messages (including one long one sent as a pic b/c we get more characters that way) and she sent him 8.
The rest of Saturday, and then Sunday was fine. But Monday, his day off when he should have been sleeping in with me – or should have at least asked me to go to church with him if that’s where he was going -- it started again. Two texts from him to her at 8:12 AM & 8:51 AM. Then two more from him to her at 3:01, 5:06 and 6:07. And two from her to him at 4:57 and 5:36.
When we talked, I learned that when he led me to believe he was going to church, he actually was going up to work. His morning calls coincided just about right with the time he left and got home. He told me that he was thinking of seeing her. He felt badly about how the conversation went when he said, "If I wasn’t married..." He wanted to apologize. I don’t know what he did. He said he was driving and thinking "what the he(( am I doing? I should be home sleeping in with my wife. I can’t be doing this!" I guess he dropped something off for her – not sure what -Maybe he just sent her the messages and came home. Didn’t see her. The texts in the afternoon were her telling him she got whatever it was and thanking him.
He said he was going to talk to her, tell her what has been going on and that he has talked to me about it, but that he can’t be doing this and chooses me. He didn’t get to talk to her much yesterday b/c she had to go to another location for the afternoon.
I thought it was all over and done with, until he was texting away to someone again in the evening and later I saw that there were 3 new messages on his phone. Of course my mood changed again. I had started yesterday afternoon/evening off well until this. He was in a good mood and was sweet and affectionate. Then I got in a funk again and he could tell. He asked me if I had looked at his phone and I said yes. I was looking at the time. He asked what I saw, and I told him I saw there were 3 new messages but of course couldn’t see. He then got upset. He said he knew I wouldn’t be able to trust him and not look at his phone. I told him it would help if he would just open it up and show me the messages. If he’s not hiding anything, he shouldn’t be afraid to show me. I know I am right about this. He said I don’t have the right to his phone, but I said I do have the right to know what some other woman is texting him and what he’s texting her.
He told me that Friday night at the party, she did show up later. They did hang out a bit and have a couple beers and talk. She was talking about being lonely and she hasn’t met a good guy yet. She feels they’re intimidated because she’s a doctor, and a psychiatrist. He told her she will meet a good guy, and that, well, if he wasn’t married... He says she then cut him off abruptly with a "BUT YOU ARE." and ended it there.
He admitted to some texting between them that night – they were just checking in on each other to make sure they each got home safely.
But what I know is that the texts did not end with just a few exchanges to say, "got in okay" "good, got in okay here, too." I have been keeping track. From 11:07 PM Friday night – 12:33 AM Saturday morning he sent her 9 messages (including one long one sent as a pic b/c we get more characters that way) and she sent him 8.
The rest of Saturday, and then Sunday was fine. But Monday, his day off when he should have been sleeping in with me – or should have at least asked me to go to church with him if that’s where he was going -- it started again. Two texts from him to her at 8:12 AM & 8:51 AM. Then two more from him to her at 3:01, 5:06 and 6:07. And two from her to him at 4:57 and 5:36.
When we talked, I learned that when he led me to believe he was going to church, he actually was going up to work. His morning calls coincided just about right with the time he left and got home. He told me that he was thinking of seeing her. He felt badly about how the conversation went when he said, "If I wasn’t married..." He wanted to apologize. I don’t know what he did. He said he was driving and thinking "what the he(( am I doing? I should be home sleeping in with my wife. I can’t be doing this!" I guess he dropped something off for her – not sure what -Maybe he just sent her the messages and came home. Didn’t see her. The texts in the afternoon were her telling him she got whatever it was and thanking him.
He said he was going to talk to her, tell her what has been going on and that he has talked to me about it, but that he can’t be doing this and chooses me. He didn’t get to talk to her much yesterday b/c she had to go to another location for the afternoon.
I thought it was all over and done with, until he was texting away to someone again in the evening and later I saw that there were 3 new messages on his phone. Of course my mood changed again. I had started yesterday afternoon/evening off well until this. He was in a good mood and was sweet and affectionate. Then I got in a funk again and he could tell. He asked me if I had looked at his phone and I said yes. I was looking at the time. He asked what I saw, and I told him I saw there were 3 new messages but of course couldn’t see. He then got upset. He said he knew I wouldn’t be able to trust him and not look at his phone. I told him it would help if he would just open it up and show me the messages. If he’s not hiding anything, he shouldn’t be afraid to show me. I know I am right about this. He said I don’t have the right to his phone, but I said I do have the right to know what some other woman is texting him and what he’s texting her.
written by SoSadAndHeartbroken, 18 January, 2012
He never did SHOW me the texts. He opened them up and read some of what he said. Said that he had written her a very long message, probably about everything he & I had been talking about, and told her there can’t be anything but
friendship there. She said, "I never fancied myself a homewrecker and that is not my intention. We’re friends and colleagues, and I’m feeling guilty for texting you." Their conversation took place between 5:30 PM yesterday and
8:01 yesterday. 10 messages (including 3 long ones) from him to her and 5 messages from her to him. And then after he was asleep last night I did look at his phone again and there were 2 more messages from her at 10:55 PM and 11:01 PM. I
did read them. "G’Nite" and "And stop apologizing." I did delete them. He also told me he was deleting all contact information from her and all messages from her. But her contact information is still there. He said he
was going to change his PIN back, but he hasn’t yet.
We ended up arguing more last night. I feel like I wish I had never let myself be so transparent when I saw there were more messages. He basically got mad at me for not trusting him and snooping at his phone. Then turned it all around on me for all the things I’ve done wrong.
But no matter what I’ve done, him pursuing this thing with her is his doing and is wrong. His boss has even basically said he needs to stop hanging around her so much for anything other than what they need to do for work. Get in, drop paperwork off, get out. I had said the same thing. His boss has been teasing him about her, but my husband told him he needed to quit it because it wasn’t helping anything. She told him on Tuesday that people are starting to tease her about them being sweet on each other. He took it that they need to quit hanging out so much. Another co-worker overheard his boss picking on him and said, "I know you have better taste than that. Why would you ruin what you have with your wife for a fling?" And he’s now having to deny allegations of there being anything there. I tried to tell him that appearances could really cause him problems and he should cut it out even if there was nothing there. Because he works in the type of place where gossip flies. The gossip is going to negatively affect him. He has aspirations to some things church-wise and this could negatively affect that if some idiot comes out and says, "yeah, but he’s a married guy messing around with a single gal at our work. He’s a REAL good moral example. *sigh* This whole thing is just mushrooming out of control and I don’t know what to do.
I am hurting in the worst way. I want to trust him that he’s taking care of things, but given his past when we were dating, I am having a hard time trusting him. I don’t know how long it will be before I can stop looking at our cell phone account, checking in on him all the time. I don’t know how long it will be before I just wait for him to be in the bathroom or asleep so I can look at his phone. I am really scared about what is going to happen. I don’t want to pull our families into this because of course I hope he can get over everything and we can move on. We’ve been talking about working on us and trying to reclaim whatever it is that is missing for us anymore. We’ve been talking about taking the honeymoon we never took. I just don’t know how well either of us can move past this if he still has to see her a few times a week. I don’t. I’m also scared because it’s possible I’ve made a huge mess of some things again financially and if I have, when it comes out he is going to be enraged and is really going to be done with me. For good. I don’t know where to go or what to do. Like I said, if there is a hope of reconciliation I am worried about going to family. Do I just take the kids and go, and tell the family that we are having some problems and need a break? There are so many things I need to take care of in our home, and finding some money so I can go if I need to. I feel like we are on the brink of a huge disaster and I don’t know if there is any hope for us. I’m trying to move on, but we’re both having a hard time. I think counseling would do us some good, but he’ll never go for it. I’ve asked him about a type of weekend retreat that has worked wonders for couples in trouble, but he says he doesn’t think we are as bad as that. The program states that it can work, and has worked for thousands of couples, if both parties are open to it.
Anyway – thoughts and prayers for all. I’m sorry I wrote so much, because I REALLY wrote so much. Pages & pages worth I know.
We ended up arguing more last night. I feel like I wish I had never let myself be so transparent when I saw there were more messages. He basically got mad at me for not trusting him and snooping at his phone. Then turned it all around on me for all the things I’ve done wrong.
But no matter what I’ve done, him pursuing this thing with her is his doing and is wrong. His boss has even basically said he needs to stop hanging around her so much for anything other than what they need to do for work. Get in, drop paperwork off, get out. I had said the same thing. His boss has been teasing him about her, but my husband told him he needed to quit it because it wasn’t helping anything. She told him on Tuesday that people are starting to tease her about them being sweet on each other. He took it that they need to quit hanging out so much. Another co-worker overheard his boss picking on him and said, "I know you have better taste than that. Why would you ruin what you have with your wife for a fling?" And he’s now having to deny allegations of there being anything there. I tried to tell him that appearances could really cause him problems and he should cut it out even if there was nothing there. Because he works in the type of place where gossip flies. The gossip is going to negatively affect him. He has aspirations to some things church-wise and this could negatively affect that if some idiot comes out and says, "yeah, but he’s a married guy messing around with a single gal at our work. He’s a REAL good moral example. *sigh* This whole thing is just mushrooming out of control and I don’t know what to do.
I am hurting in the worst way. I want to trust him that he’s taking care of things, but given his past when we were dating, I am having a hard time trusting him. I don’t know how long it will be before I can stop looking at our cell phone account, checking in on him all the time. I don’t know how long it will be before I just wait for him to be in the bathroom or asleep so I can look at his phone. I am really scared about what is going to happen. I don’t want to pull our families into this because of course I hope he can get over everything and we can move on. We’ve been talking about working on us and trying to reclaim whatever it is that is missing for us anymore. We’ve been talking about taking the honeymoon we never took. I just don’t know how well either of us can move past this if he still has to see her a few times a week. I don’t. I’m also scared because it’s possible I’ve made a huge mess of some things again financially and if I have, when it comes out he is going to be enraged and is really going to be done with me. For good. I don’t know where to go or what to do. Like I said, if there is a hope of reconciliation I am worried about going to family. Do I just take the kids and go, and tell the family that we are having some problems and need a break? There are so many things I need to take care of in our home, and finding some money so I can go if I need to. I feel like we are on the brink of a huge disaster and I don’t know if there is any hope for us. I’m trying to move on, but we’re both having a hard time. I think counseling would do us some good, but he’ll never go for it. I’ve asked him about a type of weekend retreat that has worked wonders for couples in trouble, but he says he doesn’t think we are as bad as that. The program states that it can work, and has worked for thousands of couples, if both parties are open to it.
Anyway – thoughts and prayers for all. I’m sorry I wrote so much, because I REALLY wrote so much. Pages & pages worth I know.
written by Ayliin G, 03 February, 2012
I would have never moved out in the first place if he wanted to cheat then he should have paid for a hotel to be with that home breaker what kind of woman spends a week with a married man divorce papers or not! I truly feel for you!
God bless you and I hope he heals your heartache! You went thru too much having him PAY her to come see him! Oh no!
written by Left behind, 07 February, 2012
My husband of 33 years has left me for a younger married woman with two children. He has been involved in many emotional affairs through the years but in the last couple years they have become physical. I left him and bought my own
place. He started texting me and begged me to take him back. I did. He stayed 5 weeks then went back to his mistress who never actually left her husband. So six months later he is back at my door. Loves me, wants to make up for all the
wrongs. We dated for six months while he bugged me to move back in the house. I finally did and less than a month later discover he is having another affair and they are making plans to be married. I am filing for divorce. I deserve
better. Our grown children deserve a father who is honest ( he blames me for all of it). Finding out about this last one has caused me to lose all love and respect for him. He will never be anything more to me than the sperm donor for our
four children and I regret his part in that.
written by Sweetwoman PART 1, 06 March, 2012
Sweetwoman part 1: My story is slightly different. Am 40 and have two children. The problem was I could never get along with my man. Each time I said something he would get angry and I have to guard my words or it will turn violent.
Each time he made love to me it was painful and rough and since I did not feel his love I would not enjoy sex and wanted it to just over. I use to come home after a stressful work day and he would finish with his TV and come to me as I am
going to bed and almost sleeping. This made me even mad. He used to force sex on me and I didn’t like the way he came to me. Since the day I got married I never enjoyed love making with him. Since I was so lonely I met a guy who was 12
years my junior and we chat for almost 2 years now. We haven’t met but we fell in love and missed each other so much.
One day my hubby found out and became violent and beat me badly and since that day I hated him even more and wanted to separate. But since kids was also close to him and I did not want kids to go through a trauma I slept in my own room by myself. I use to spend a lot of time with my new boyfriend online and he used to talk to me about all my problems and it really helped me and felt some true love. After being with him for 2 years he decided to be serious and said the only main thing will be to tell his parents. He was really afraid to tell them on two things... one am married with kids and two my age. And until now he hasn’t said anything. Now he is still doing his masters which will end in 3 months and he will need to look for job. He said wait till he finds a good job.
One day my hubby found out and became violent and beat me badly and since that day I hated him even more and wanted to separate. But since kids was also close to him and I did not want kids to go through a trauma I slept in my own room by myself. I use to spend a lot of time with my new boyfriend online and he used to talk to me about all my problems and it really helped me and felt some true love. After being with him for 2 years he decided to be serious and said the only main thing will be to tell his parents. He was really afraid to tell them on two things... one am married with kids and two my age. And until now he hasn’t said anything. Now he is still doing his masters which will end in 3 months and he will need to look for job. He said wait till he finds a good job.
written by Sweetwoman PART 2, 06 March, 2012
My boyfriend is little different where he like older woman. But lately for the pass 5 month I started to see some changes in him where he will not spend much time with me but always gives excuses saying he is busy. He has his cousin
brother who moved to his town about 5 months ago with his wife and a kid. He is close to them especially his wife. So after moving to his town about 2 months, suddenly he said that his cousin wife was suspected from breast cancer as she
had a lump on her breast. And immediately his cousin’s wife told her husband to inform my bf saying he is more educated and he would be able to explain the medical report and also suggested that he called my bf to go with them to the
hospital. And before that too she called him many times saying she has prepared some dishes and wanted him to have lunch or dinner with them. After her first appo the doctor said that she is safe from cancer and if it worries them much
they should than do a biopsy. Unfortunately his cousin brother could not follow her to the hospital because he had some urgent meeting. My bf told me earlier that they are calling him for the second appo. So I told my bf why he should go
since he has exams and that Doc has confirmed that it is safe and furthermore her husband is there with her.
And now comes the truth after 5 months... He told me on 3 occasions that his cousin was calling him for a birthday party and he was thinking if he should go or not. I ask him again if he intends to go. Because I felt some suspicious cos he started talking about this frequently and that she is so worried and so on. But he decided not to go later. Since yesterday I had a misunderstanding with him and said that he was avoiding me and spending less time with me I clashed with him and stop talking to him for 4 days. He kept on sending me messages to talk to him and by the 2nd day he had fever and felt sick. He is usually like this when I stay away from him and he used to say never leave him or he will die and can’t survive without me since the time I met him. Then I started talking to him and that is when we argue again cos he said there was a celebration in his cousin’s house and he was invited. So I asked him why he has to go there all the time and why his cousin always calls him there. Obviously it’s the start of something I felt. Then I started asking him how many times he has been there and he said about 5 times.I was shocked to hear as he told me earlier he only went there twice. And again we started arguing and he always hides from me not to see me get mad. This time he admitted that on the second doctor appointment, his cousin called him and requested him to take his wife for the test as he was held up in work. So he went to her house and soon as he reached the house she opened the door and started crying out loud in front of him saying that she is so afraid that if anything happens to her, there will be no one to take care of her son. Then she said on the sofa opposite to him and continued crying out really loud while her 6 year old son was playing outside. He said he was helpless and did not know what to do.
She kept on crying and even he tried to tell her not to worry it will be fine, she did not stop crying until her son came in standing in front of her watching with a sad face. My bf than move to sit beside her and laid his hands on her shoulder to comfort her. Then she stopped and they got ready where he followed her to the hospital while she left her son at the neighbor. After the test she returned back and prepared dinner and insists he ate before leaving. The whole day I was trying to reach him on his mobile and it was switched off. I was really mad and he came once and said he was with his friends and lied to me.
There was also one incident when he was in his house for his break and she too went over to his house which was 300 km away from their current place. She told him to follow her for shopping with her other friend. That was the first time my bf suddenly told me that while crossing the road she hold his elbow. When he came back home he told me what happen and swiftly told me that she was so scared to cross the road and hold him. My guy is 28 and he never had a relationship before. Now we are so madly in love and we argued so many times and always go back to each to each other. Other than this we are a lovable couple. I felt a little funny with her reaction as she met him in the house and started crying out. He kept telling me that he never seen her cry like that. I really don’t know what to say. We are Indian origin but I leave very far away from him. I am really upset cos I loved him so much and he too not letting me go. I really don’t know what to do. So confused and hurt. I am feeling hurt because my bf never touched me before and am afraid that they may start an affair cos she is just 9km away from where he is. He tells me he respects her like his brothers wife. By the way the test confirmed she was safe.
And now comes the truth after 5 months... He told me on 3 occasions that his cousin was calling him for a birthday party and he was thinking if he should go or not. I ask him again if he intends to go. Because I felt some suspicious cos he started talking about this frequently and that she is so worried and so on. But he decided not to go later. Since yesterday I had a misunderstanding with him and said that he was avoiding me and spending less time with me I clashed with him and stop talking to him for 4 days. He kept on sending me messages to talk to him and by the 2nd day he had fever and felt sick. He is usually like this when I stay away from him and he used to say never leave him or he will die and can’t survive without me since the time I met him. Then I started talking to him and that is when we argue again cos he said there was a celebration in his cousin’s house and he was invited. So I asked him why he has to go there all the time and why his cousin always calls him there. Obviously it’s the start of something I felt. Then I started asking him how many times he has been there and he said about 5 times.I was shocked to hear as he told me earlier he only went there twice. And again we started arguing and he always hides from me not to see me get mad. This time he admitted that on the second doctor appointment, his cousin called him and requested him to take his wife for the test as he was held up in work. So he went to her house and soon as he reached the house she opened the door and started crying out loud in front of him saying that she is so afraid that if anything happens to her, there will be no one to take care of her son. Then she said on the sofa opposite to him and continued crying out really loud while her 6 year old son was playing outside. He said he was helpless and did not know what to do.
She kept on crying and even he tried to tell her not to worry it will be fine, she did not stop crying until her son came in standing in front of her watching with a sad face. My bf than move to sit beside her and laid his hands on her shoulder to comfort her. Then she stopped and they got ready where he followed her to the hospital while she left her son at the neighbor. After the test she returned back and prepared dinner and insists he ate before leaving. The whole day I was trying to reach him on his mobile and it was switched off. I was really mad and he came once and said he was with his friends and lied to me.
There was also one incident when he was in his house for his break and she too went over to his house which was 300 km away from their current place. She told him to follow her for shopping with her other friend. That was the first time my bf suddenly told me that while crossing the road she hold his elbow. When he came back home he told me what happen and swiftly told me that she was so scared to cross the road and hold him. My guy is 28 and he never had a relationship before. Now we are so madly in love and we argued so many times and always go back to each to each other. Other than this we are a lovable couple. I felt a little funny with her reaction as she met him in the house and started crying out. He kept telling me that he never seen her cry like that. I really don’t know what to say. We are Indian origin but I leave very far away from him. I am really upset cos I loved him so much and he too not letting me go. I really don’t know what to do. So confused and hurt. I am feeling hurt because my bf never touched me before and am afraid that they may start an affair cos she is just 9km away from where he is. He tells me he respects her like his brothers wife. By the way the test confirmed she was safe.
written by An_Idiot, 14 May, 2012
This is an old thread.
I don’t know if the woman who wrote this will ever read this. I don’t know what happened in the end, and I didn’t read any of the responses, but today I discovered that I need to write some things about what my life has been like for the past few years and post it where people will be able to read it. I guess I’m hoping someone will benefit from it, or maybe some way it will bring you comfort. But mostly I think I just need to communicate, somewhere, somehow, the truth of these last few years. I’ve
That truth is: A few years ago, I left the woman I loved for a lie.
She was my wife, and we’d been married for seven years or so. We had a great life. I loved her, and she loved me. She was special... WE were special, and I knew it.
A few years ago, I found myself in an unusual situation. I had discovered that one of my co workers was the wife of the deceased brother of an ex (very ex) girlfriend that I hadn’t seen or spoken to since I was a teenager. The co-worker had a child that had the same name as the ex’s brother, and was even named "junior"... but I was fairly sure that this ex didn’t know about him. I thought I would contact her, and maybe facilitate a reunion if I could. This ex of mine was a doctor now (according to her facebook page), and the child was in need of a positive influence (or so I thought). It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I did. It turned out that the co-worker and my ex were not related (same last name though) at all, but a line of communication had been opened between us after all those years. We began to talk about out lives... She explained some things to me about events that happened when we were kids, and I came to see her in a new light. Almost before I knew it, I was in love with her again. I believed we were soul mates. I felt horrible about leaving her when we were kids (this had been very bad for her at the time, and I didn’t know about it because she was keeping the truth about her home life secret). I was literally overwhelmed by my feelings for her.
This ex told me she was in a loveless, sexless relationship that was more of a business partnership then anything else. I bought it.
My wife and I had occasional problems like any other married couple... I used the next one as an excuse to end the marriage.
written by An_Idiot, 14 May, 2012
I can’t possibly explain what I was like to live through that time. I tried to be as good to my wife as possible, while at the same time explaining that I didn’t love her any more. I moved out of the bedroom, and then her out of the
house. She cried, and tried to talk to me about working it out. Tried not to be moved out. Didn’t understand... and I really didn’t either. Ending that marriage was like tearing off an arm, because the truth is that I DID love her. I had
never had anything so good. I was just overwhelmed by what was happening between me and the ex.
The ex lived in the middle of the us, and I lived on the coast. She was a doctor, and I was a network engineer... she made 5x my salary. There was no question who was going to give up their job and move to whom. I disassembled my life, packed up my things, and moved across the country to be with the ex... and ever since, I have been living with the sad truth – it was all a lie.
The ex was not who she said she was. Yes, she’s a doctor... but she never moved out of the house she shared with the "business partner". She got me a place not far away, and at first would spend a couple of nights a week with me, claiming that the separation between her and the business partner was complicated, and there were thousands of dollars tied up in it. I didn’t understand, and over time I ran out of patience over and over again, and would break up with her and start the process of moving back to the coast. Every time she would cave, and give just a little more to our relationship... another night a week at my place... and then another... and other basic things that we all expect and need from a serious relationship. Each time she would do only exactly what she needed to do to convince me not to leave.
Naturally, this soured our relationship. I went from being overwhelmed by my feelings for her, to wondering what the he** I’d done, and wondering what the he** I was still doing here with her. Over time I began to realize that she doesn’t really love me. I’m not sure she’s capable of love at all. I’m not sure I understand her motives at all. She’s brilliant – and that’s an understatement. Top 1% in the country. She seems to want me for some reason, but it’s not something the rest of us understand. Our relationship has soured to the point where I can’t even say it’s good sex.
The clincher was when I discovered a.pdf on her computer titled "Rousing the Lion". It’s a detailed, in depth handbook on how a woman can manipulate and control a man, creating any dynamic she wishes in a relationship with any man she desires. Suddenly, the crazy overwhelming feelings I experienced began to make sense.
The ex lived in the middle of the us, and I lived on the coast. She was a doctor, and I was a network engineer... she made 5x my salary. There was no question who was going to give up their job and move to whom. I disassembled my life, packed up my things, and moved across the country to be with the ex... and ever since, I have been living with the sad truth – it was all a lie.
The ex was not who she said she was. Yes, she’s a doctor... but she never moved out of the house she shared with the "business partner". She got me a place not far away, and at first would spend a couple of nights a week with me, claiming that the separation between her and the business partner was complicated, and there were thousands of dollars tied up in it. I didn’t understand, and over time I ran out of patience over and over again, and would break up with her and start the process of moving back to the coast. Every time she would cave, and give just a little more to our relationship... another night a week at my place... and then another... and other basic things that we all expect and need from a serious relationship. Each time she would do only exactly what she needed to do to convince me not to leave.
Naturally, this soured our relationship. I went from being overwhelmed by my feelings for her, to wondering what the he** I’d done, and wondering what the he** I was still doing here with her. Over time I began to realize that she doesn’t really love me. I’m not sure she’s capable of love at all. I’m not sure I understand her motives at all. She’s brilliant – and that’s an understatement. Top 1% in the country. She seems to want me for some reason, but it’s not something the rest of us understand. Our relationship has soured to the point where I can’t even say it’s good sex.
The clincher was when I discovered a.pdf on her computer titled "Rousing the Lion". It’s a detailed, in depth handbook on how a woman can manipulate and control a man, creating any dynamic she wishes in a relationship with any man she desires. Suddenly, the crazy overwhelming feelings I experienced began to make sense.
written by An_Idiot, 14 May, 2012
There’s a lot I left out here, but this is the gist of it. Reading this post by this woman who’s husband left her, I couldn’t help but notice some parallels... and I can’t help but wonder if her husband didn’t feel a lot like I did
during that time. I wonder if he still loves her... If he feels as stupid as I do... If he knows in his heart that he can never go back, even if he tried... that their relationship can never be the same again... If he knows that he
deserved the horrible woman that he’s with, and just needs to find the strength to end the lie, and move on.
That is, after all, all that is left to me.
I hope it all worked out for the best for you.
– An Idiot.
That is, after all, all that is left to me.
I hope it all worked out for the best for you.
– An Idiot.
written by Depressed soul, 31 May, 2012
I also have the same story....my husband is still in love with her ex-gf....I am just so lonely n depressed....he married me only because of his parents and now after 3yrs of marriage I came to know this....I can’t take divorce but I
want to...I don’t want to live with the person who cheated on me who don’t loves me....don’t know where to go n what to do
written by mockingbird, 23 December, 2012
I can feel for both sides of the situation as I have been on both sides. After almost 20 years of marriage my I found out that my husband was having an emotional (as far as I knew) affair with his high school sweetheart who was also
married. He filled for divorce after I found out about her. He became cruel and suddenly I could do no right. He was turning my teenage boys against me. The divorce was finallized a year later after his girlfriend finally left her
husband. She didn’t want the kids around so the ex has nothing to do with them. I was hurt and angry for sure but had to be strong for my kids. Went to counseling and went to a divorce care class. Made all the difference. We are better
off now while. The ex moved his girlfriend here. She has been here a year but has not divorced her husband. She doesn’t work and sirs at home texting both my ex and her husband all day. She still takes money from her ex. I don’t know if
the ex regrets his choices now. But it makes no difference to me. I would never take him back. I have moved on with my life. Learning to find myself again and being on my own. Even dating occasionally. Then a couple of months ago. My
first love contacts me on FB. We catch up and he tells me he made a mistake choosing someone else over me.
written by mockingbird, 23 December, 2012
26 years ago. Says he never stopped loving me. Problem is he is married with one teenage child. He says that he is unhappy and they sleep in separate bedrooms and live separate lives. As much as I would like to see where that could
go. I couldn’t see myself doing to someone else the same thing that was done to me. Luckily. He lives in another state. I have told him we can be friends. But no talk about the past or the what could have beens. So far it is working. But
I find myself thinking about him more and feeling hurt when he doesn’t text when he is with his family. I know my only choice is to end the friendship completely before it escalates. I have come too far in Bering myself emotionally
healthy after my divorce that I can’t put myself back into another unhealthy relationship.
written by Ashland13, 21 March, 2013
All of your posts help me feel less alone. Advice that I got upon learning of my husband’s long term affair was that "it’s very common", but that seemed cold. And was from my brother. But being on the web and reading other
stories helps pass the time while I am in the bereavement stage and so lonesome.
My husband has been living with the other woman in another state and tricked me over the holidays with false reconciliation, when I got pregnant. I decided I am going to be happy with the baby coming, for our daughter used to ask, "where is my brother or sister?" when she was perhaps six or seven.
I think of it as the last gift he will ever give me.
He clearly snapped, or had a midlife crisis and I think it is an ego affair as he lost two jobs in two years. I think he lost the second job in part because of the affair, which he blames on me-both losses.
Everything wrong in his life he blames on me and has trashed our marriage and my life as well, while praising ow (other woman).
I am working very hard on all the advice and myself, but the grief is so strong and I am still stuck thinking about who he used to be. I am actually revolted by him now and panic if I have to be anywhere in a room with him-like a school event for our daughter. I am starting to set boundaries for him and myself, like no contact, but the strength of mind only lasts so long.
I wanted to post an amazing website, where I go when I am the most down-it also helps me tremendously with NC. It’s called "Surviving Infidelity" and people can read other stories or post their stories. I have asked tons of questions and it is all done by people who have suffered from affairs. There are also people who have had affairs and people can choose to read there or not. I have sometimes, trying to figure out anything I could with the analyzing stage.
It helps me to go there when counseling is far apart because of money and sometimes my virtual support system has good intention, but some questions I don’t feel right asking people I know!
My husband has been living with the other woman in another state and tricked me over the holidays with false reconciliation, when I got pregnant. I decided I am going to be happy with the baby coming, for our daughter used to ask, "where is my brother or sister?" when she was perhaps six or seven.
I think of it as the last gift he will ever give me.
He clearly snapped, or had a midlife crisis and I think it is an ego affair as he lost two jobs in two years. I think he lost the second job in part because of the affair, which he blames on me-both losses.
Everything wrong in his life he blames on me and has trashed our marriage and my life as well, while praising ow (other woman).
I am working very hard on all the advice and myself, but the grief is so strong and I am still stuck thinking about who he used to be. I am actually revolted by him now and panic if I have to be anywhere in a room with him-like a school event for our daughter. I am starting to set boundaries for him and myself, like no contact, but the strength of mind only lasts so long.
I wanted to post an amazing website, where I go when I am the most down-it also helps me tremendously with NC. It’s called "Surviving Infidelity" and people can read other stories or post their stories. I have asked tons of questions and it is all done by people who have suffered from affairs. There are also people who have had affairs and people can choose to read there or not. I have sometimes, trying to figure out anything I could with the analyzing stage.
It helps me to go there when counseling is far apart because of money and sometimes my virtual support system has good intention, but some questions I don’t feel right asking people I know!
written by Diana Lynn, 10 April, 2013
My husband has fallen in love with another woman and I am devastated. I cry ever night. I feel so alone and scared. I don’t know how to deal with this. Help
Married over 30 years. He travels for work, so never know for sure what is up.
Married over 30 years. He travels for work, so never know for sure what is up.
Other Options:
I have my own question to ask
Truth About Deception – back to our home page.
written by been there done that, 19 March, 2007
You mentioned that your husband has been in love with this person since grade school.("HE" did not follow his truth). But then he told you he "loved you more." ("HE" wanted "his" security and he lied to you and himself). "HE" initiated the call to her after two years, and then led her to believe your marriage was on it’s way to a divorce. ("HE lied to you and to her). "HE" went to see her and came back telling you "HE" wanted to be with her forever! IF only our brains would accept the truth and our feelings not disguise truth. "He" told you that "HE" still loved you (cared about you) but was not "in love" with you (lust, want and desire). "HE" had you move out of YOUR HOUSE! And moved her in! Why didn’t he just move out since he is the one who wants to end this marriage? You said you still maintain a sexual relationship with him. Why? "HE" is getting his cake and eating it too. "HE" told you that YOU forced him to look for love elsewhere by not providing hem with enough attention! Didn’t "HE" find this love so many years ago? It had nothing to do with you, your behavior, or anything else, it is all about "HIM."
Now she tells "HIM" she wants ‘HIM" all to herself. "He" tells you "HE" is convinced they are going to be together forever. "HE" went to see her and you think it was only an emotional affair...I would think differently. "HE" Knows you are hurting but can’t love you like he loves her.
What to do? BELIEVE HIM. What to do next? BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! TRUST WHO AND WHAT YOU ARE. Know that you cannot make anyone love you. Have respect for yourself – Sometimes the best way to love someone is to not love then at all. I do not like the way he has controlled this game of love feelings.
You were married for 15 years. You should be entitled to half of all assets gained in your marriage. I can’t tell you what to do but I will offer my suggestions.
1. Get a good divorce attorney.
2. Gather all records of finances (mortgage on home,savings,investments,annual incomes, ownerships of cars, or of any financial value.
3. Request the court to settle all finances 50/50 – do not hang onto the house – sell it, you each get half. This allows you some financing to get back upon your own. And you will not have to live where memories may haunt you. You will be due alimony and possibility financial assistance to re-train into a career. Child-support if you have children. In your case I would fight for full custody due the circumstances as "He" has his priorities elsewhere.
Get good legal advice and someone who is out to protect you! Do not let emotional feelings come into play but rather deal with it as a business. After all, this is the business of life.
Once you know the truth, you can no longer blame him or anyone. You own this now. You have a choice to make. Be strong, focus you, gather good friends or make new ones. Do what you’ve always wanted to do even if it is to learn to play a piano. Go back to school.
Look at it this way. You’ve been given a second chance at life. Not all receive such an opportunity. Cherish it and start doing something about it. Tell "HIM" farewell, good luck, and get far away from he and her and start your new life. You don’t have to live someone else’s lies , you get to live your truth. He’ll remain as confused as ever. I doubt it is love those two are really feeling, but this is not about them anymore, it is about you. What do you want? Take back your power, your control of your life. Be thankful for all things, these are our life lessons to learn, to grow from, to live fuller from.
You are on your way to something more....something better...something you can decide and control...your truth. Honor that. You’ll come out on top and you will find something in this life more richer and more valuable than deception, lies and pain. You will find "truth." You know the saying..."And the truth will set you free......"
I wish you peace and blessings.