Past Comments – I am still angry at my wife for cheating on me

Same here
written by Guest, 28 July, 2006

When I first started seeing my boyfriend things were great until I suspected he was telling me some lies. I spoke to other people, got the truth and eventually confronted him. Although I knew the facts and absolute truth, he still denied he ever lied. We broke up for about 2 months and during that time he confessed to ALL the lies I caught him in and begged my forgiveness. I decided to give him another chance and things were really going well despite the fact that I have major trust issues with him now. Although just recently I caught him in another lie and I’m beginning to think it’s useless to always have to forgive him. Sometimes I feel that he’s insulting my intelligence because even though I know the truth, he continues to deny it. Other than the lies he’s been the best guy I’ve ever met. We’ve been together 2 years now and I don’t know if I can deal with the emotional stress. Sometimes I get the feeling he’s betrayed me and I can’t do anything about it. I get so angry at him and I treat him poorly.

Phone calls after the affair :-(
written by Guest, 30 July, 2006

Well, my wife had a 2 year long affair. And with all the lies and me confronting she finally admitted to it. We saw some church counselors and I thought things were getting better, but they are not. This whole time those two still call each other on the cell phone. Three to five times a day for at least the past seven months. She sees nothing wrong and I see everything wrong with that. I forgave her for the affair. But with every phone call I see on the cell bill, it’s hard to forget. It’s like a slap in the face each time. I’m at my wits end with her. I want our marriage to work out but all these phone calls have got to stop. I’ve answered yes to every question on a ten question survey about depression. When I told my wife that, she just laughed. And she’s on Zoloft. I don’t know what to do. There’s been suicides in my family and I’m afraid that I might be next if this issue is not resolved. I can’t live like this anymore.

cheated cheated cheated
written by dw, 05 March, 2007

I,ve been cheated on 3 time by my wife, and I can tell you this, the pain never goes away. Get real!!! She just wants to hurt you! Or control you! In the end you are the fool and all this time is for nothing!! I am 37 and cannot feel nothing but pain!!!

written by harlie, 21 February, 2008

I have an idea what you feel about lying and cheating. My husband had an affair and I have a real hard time forgiving him, don’t trust him at all. And for the lies I don’t think I will ever believe anything he says now. I just wish I could forgive and forget well at least put in the past. I feel like such a fool now. I have gained 20lbs from stress worry or whatever you want to call it. I would love to know how to get over this mountain I’m climbing.

written by Whizzer, 15 August, 2008

4 years before I married my wife I caught her having rather intimate and very disgusting conversations with complete strangers on the Internet. I went ballistic over this and we separated for about a month. I eventually forgave her and she promised never to let anything like this happen again. We got married in 2006 and have been the happiest we could be.

Just 1 month ago my wife upped and left with no hint of any problem. I naturally had to find her and find out what was going on for my own sanity. She said she had been having an affair with one of my friends. Devastated I confronted my friend who denied it but unfortunately for him he has a history of lying so thing went very bad between us. It turns out my wife actually had a one night stand with someone she met briefly, not my friend as she told me! The real kick in the guts is that this was after she ran out on me!

She decided to tell me this after I forgave her for the affair with my friend and got back together. I do not know whether to throw her out or not? I feel I can no longer trust her.

written by nute, 16 August, 2008

My wife had a three month affair with someone she went to high school with but barely knew. I sensed some warning signs but instead of waiting and letting it drag out I took action. I installed software on our computer and was able to gain access to her emails. Upon reading just a few it was instantly apparent that she was having an affair. The second in the very first email was from him saying, "It’s not just about the sex..." I went ballistic. This was over a year and half ago and I am still not over it. She has been faithful and turned her self around (trust me I have kept tabs and verified to the hilt) but I am still hurt and angry like it was yesterday. We have a small child and I felt like I should stay for the child, but now I don’t know. I just don’t think I can ever look at her the same way again and in all honesty feel the person I fell in love with and trusted is in a way dead and gone. The death coming with her infidelity. I feel I deserve better and that there is someone out there that would truly never do this to me. For the person above whose wife is still talking several times a day to her ex lover, it’s over. You deserve better and you need to give her the boot NOW and move on with your life. In a way I wish mine had done something similar, it would make it easier to leave her.

written by Terri C, 16 August, 2008

I totally feel for all of you who have posted.

My name is Terri. I am 26 years old. I have been treated in the same manner from my ex fiance. I started getting gut feelings that my fiance was being dishonest with me at around xmas time this past year. I mentioned to him that I felt in my heart he was doing something to me behind my back and I got yelled at and told I was a psycho. I had nothing to back it up...something in my heart told me he was acting like a giggalo at work and it would just not go away. I knew this was the only place he could meet women. I have no idea why I knew I guess it was in his mannerisms. He stopped calling me on his breaks. I would call him and he would act as if I was nagging him. Then one time at safeway he introduced me to a girl and her bf that he worked with and I got a real shitty vibe off this girl. I have a good way of reading people (I have an identical twin so I guess I am used to reading people) and something told me that she was skanky and he had something going on with her. I was training for a fitness competition and would see her at the gym I trained at and I would always get weird vibes from her ( I know a lot of girls give me dirty looks I am tall blond and very attractive and have zero gfs besides my sister but something told me she had something going on with my fiance and I just could not shake it. She even kinda smirked at me one day as if she was taunting me.

I had nothing to go on but my guts. I then had to go to Calgary to meet my twin’s new bf..how is also a twin...when I got back from my trip I was unpacking stuff and found a receipt. But to make things worse the day I left my fiance called me minutes after I was on the road to tell me he was at walmart to buy new bedding...all I could think was why he wanted to buy new bedding...he must plan on fucking someone...I felt so crazy...I mentioned nothing.

So back to the receipt. I found a receipt crumpled on the table. What I found was a receipt from walmart with all the stuff he bought bedding....Gatorade..and on the bottom a 12 pack of trojan condoms.

I felt so betrayed..I thought I was going to throw up. So I confronted him and his explanation was he was planning on going to the bar and picking up a random but he decided not to because he realized he loved me.

So that night I installed a keylogger on our computer and by that next morning I found out he had an email account I did not know of and was emailing all kinds of girls even 17 yr old girl I was training for her prom. And the person from his work that I would see at the gym did have stuff going on with him and those condoms were bought for her

I moved out.

What it all boils down to is that some people are just idiots. Cheaters do this because it makes them feel good. They do not think of you...just themselves and who they cheat with does not matter. That girl from the gym was not attractive whatsoever. It had nothing to do with me...he was just a loser. It would have been anyone that would take the bait.

The hardest part of it all is the humiliation of it all on my part..the fact that these girls can tell themselves that they are somehow better than me because the man I wanted to marry wanted to fuck them...that is what irks me the most. I am starting to come to terms with it. Some days are hard some not so much. This kind of stuff takes a while to get over and it feels good to know that I am not the only one in the world this has happened to.

Terri

Alberta Canada

written by Dezz, 24 November, 2008

Well, I guess I can join the club. I count myself as a a bit of a fool for continuing to love her, but I have given my heart so completely to her that I find it hard really seeing myself love anyone else. Since we have been married she has cheated on me 3 times over 6 years. I try to be rational about it, but I cant help feeling pain over it every time I think about it. The first time she cheated on me I was out on military duty. I feel like I should divorce her, but I cant get over loosing the love I still have for her. Goodness, I feel like such a fool. And the guy she cheated on me with, I could ruin his life, or worse, but I keep feeling guilty that, well, she encouraged it. Women can simply say no and nothing will happen. I am angry every time I think about it, but a part of me feels like I am partly to blame for it. God so many things to sort out. What a wonderful mess of things this has made. I love her, but I cant trust her anymore.

written by G in UT, 26 December, 2008

After 13 years of being married, my wife decided to have an affair with someone she met at a political function. it went on for months behind my back, but all the while I felt something was wrong. I installed logging software on our computer and found she was making plans to leave me (I doubt he would have left his wife tho!). It has been 2 years lots of counseling and I still don’t trust her. She has ruined me in the trust department. I feel like the person above; that the woman I married died and that part of our life is gone. I am here for our 3 kids at this point with no real belief that things will change. I am also certain that she will cheat again... It all sucks, bad. I really wish there was a way to be certain it would not happen again.

written by None, 15 January, 2009

About 5 years I was married to my X-wife. We were both in the military and were not able to live together after getting married for a few months so stuff was really hard. I suspected something was going on while she was gone but I could never prove it. When she was finally able to come down, she confessed to me she had been hooking up with another guy the whole time. We got a divorce and for many years I tried to live my life. I missed her very badly but didn’t want to feel anymore pain. Well.. 5 some years later I see her again and find out she is still with this guy but is very unhappy and wants to -Try- stuff with me again. I am all messed up inside and don’t really know what to do. In my heart I love her, but when I think about it all I can see is a lying cheating Whor*. Should I even waste my time trying again or is 5 years of that too much for anyone to endure?

written by JP from Hawaii via PA, 15 January, 2009

Well, I have been with my high school sweetheart for 20 years and married to her for 12 of that. I really feel she is my soul mate and I know now that it is a very slim chance that either or both parties in a marriage are NOT going to have an affair. As time marches on, you take the things you use to do together for granted and the grind of daily life replaces romance, passion, and spontaneity. We had a long courtship and engagement. I broke up with her for 4-5 months prior to marriage because I was not happy for reasons I still can’t explain. Anyway, we got back together quick and married. I have been in the Army for our entire marriage and we have moved around quite a bit including a little recruiting gig during the current war. Recruiting was tough, she moved out for 3 months to live with her sister because I was having a tough time adjusting to the job and I could not be the family man I had been in the past 6 years prior to recruiting. She has been a great wife and mother to our 10 year old daughter. Problem is that over the last 6 years starting from recruiting we started going our separate ways living parallel lives instead of a life as a married couple due to my job and all the friends she had. I kept telling her it would get better in Hawaii but it never did because I never snapped out of the 60-70 hr work week mode and spent more time on the Army than my own family. Communication broke down, affection faded, and we had little to no emotional displays for each other than fighting and yelling. It still does not excuse her from having an emotional affair with another married man for 2 months which was even over the anniversary of when we started going out. I can feel for those of you who have posted that the person you married or knew is now dead and we are all trying to figure out who each of us is with now. I decided to post this to give some or all of us here and those who are going to read the one thing we ALL need and no one has mentioned. HOPE. That is what I am holding onto. The hope that I am going to love and trust my wife more than I ever have before and she will return that to me. We both realized what we could have lost everything we have built together over a stupid crush. Sometimes it is easier to let it all go and try to start over. The starting over is a hell of a lot tougher, as you get older, than reconciling. Although, I will say there are a lot of situations here where the "cut and run" option are a lot better than the repeated unfaithfulness. Sex was not involved in the stabbing of my heart so I cannot say I would still be with my wife if that happen because that is a much bigger line to cross. Marriages and relationships are not always built on all the happiness. It is how you both survive the bad times together and how you come out after it. Happiness and fun only last so long. Some stay in our memories forever. Hurt and pain last a lot longer and we seem to remember them more when we in that state. My wife and I are going through counseling which seems to be working. I do have some trust issues but it is still new for me. I am having trouble with her opening up which I first thought she was holding back but I realize now she is afraid to hurt me anymore. But it cannot get any worse at this point. I read all the emails between them and saw all the calls and texts on our cell bill. I contacted his wife and have to tell you all that there is a bit of twisted satisfaction in knowing that he is in it deep now too. The new bond we are creating is almost like we are starting all over and getting to know the new person our spouse has become and we did not realize that. Talking is a lot easier and there is no yelling or arguing. We work together as a team on everything from household choirs to car repairs. My wife is my best friend and for me, you never give up on your best friend. Good luck to everyone...

written by Ben Johnson, 29 March, 2009

Try walking in on her doing it in your bedroom. I thought it was over! I’ve been married for ten years. I feel for anyone going through this. I have too many emotions about this subject and I find one that has kept me sane and should have stuck with. ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER! Even if they beg and plead and cry. Leave them never give them a second chance. Where was all of this when they made their decision. I truly believe there is a special place in HELL for them!

written by GymelS, 20 April, 2009

I know this pain all too well. You feel like an idiot for continuing to open up your heart and bare your soul... Yet at the same time, the moment you realized something was wrong plays in your mind every time see this person. It’s so hard to deal with these feelings on a daily basis.

written by kris arnold, 23 April, 2009

im glad i had the chance to hear from yall. well not glad. sad. time for me to be the strongest i can. its hard to forget a best friend. what kinda best friend lies though. this should be easier. i have my wife on recording. i just play it over and over to stay angry enough to stay away from her. good luck yall. i know i need it.

written by Mikey, 04 May, 2009

I just found out that my wife of 3 years had an 8 month affair with her boss which ended about 2 months ago. Our marriage was a real mess for about the last year and a half and I know that ian’t an excuse, but I can see what gave her the motivation to stray. I finally realized that I was mostly responsible for the problems in our marriage and was trying to work out our problems when I found out she cheated. I have told her I still love her and want to work things out. The problem is that she still works for this guy and the opportunity is still there. I know I have to trust her for our marriage to work but this is making it so much harder. I constantly think about the two of them having sex, I can’t get it out of my head.

Should I end things sinsce she won’t leave her job? Would her leaving even change anything anyway?

written by anon2, 04 June, 2009

so, I understand the pain of being cheated on, and she shouldn’t stay with you and run around with another guy. She is having an emotional affair. Usually women do this when they have needs that are not being met by their current relationship. I noticed you said you tapped your phone, and took away her cell phone...those are very controlling behaviors, and I’m surprised no one else picked up on that. People don’t like to be controlled, it isn’t fair. She shouldn’t be meek about the whole thing though...she should either stop seeing the guy who makes you feel insecure and try to work it out through counseling with you, or she should leave you and make herself happy. You can’t control people and you can’t change them. It’s not right, it’s not fair. Don’t treat her like crap for so long over all of it, she is a person too...and you don’t own her. You are ruining the quality of both of your own life by being so negative, miserable, and insufferable. If you can’t forgive, then move on.

written by varmit2, 06 July, 2009

I know your pain, stayed in here for my kids, have raised them , now the whore claims she is sick, Don’t trust them , get the HELL out while you still can. They will consume your soul as Cancer does the body.

written by anna09, 18 July, 2009

After reading all your comments I feel for everyone of you.

So my story is rough I had been dating my girlfriend for a year. She is my first girlfriend (i recently came out as a lesbian!) and four months ago she called me and told me she was pregnant! (my equipment is not that good!) and disappeared for two months. I tried to find her and then worked on trying to forget her. Then she called out of the blue saying for me to go see her. I went and talked to her and she explained that she had sex with a man for money – I should prob explain she is Thai and from a very poor background- she got pregnant and then had an abortion because she went crazy without me apparently. Now she is back I am controlling, checking up on her – she has moved out because I got so crazy, I should prob finish it but she is my first gf and I really think i love her ‘too’ much. Anyone got any advice for me. Please refrain from you are stupid for taking her back I get enough of that from my friends x

written by Nathan – Colombia, 03 August, 2009

Hey you guys. I’ve read all of the comments posted here. I’m from Colombia but found this webpage by googling it. I totally understand you people. It’s not any different here in South America. My wife cheated on me a little more than two years ago. At that time we had already been together for eight years and we had just had a babygirl who was 10 months old then. I was working hard at that time to get back on our feet after a long time of lousy jobs.

So she told me many times she wanted to go out dancing, partying and else but my reply was always that we were short on money because of the debts we were trying to pay off. So she asked me if I didn’t mind her going out with her old classmates from college. So I let her, you know, I thought I didn’t have the cash to go out with her but I couldn’t just ask her to stay. Then she asked me to let her hang out with her cousin, her cousin’s husband, an aunt and this other guy who was her cousin’s cousin. Well, I thought there was nothing wrong with going to a disco with her family so I didn’t oppose.

She arrived at 6 in the morning and actually helped me get ready for work. I didn’t say a thing, though. I thought, well, she was with family and all. Later that evening I came back from work holding a six-pack of beers because I wanted her to know I still wanted to share time with her but just didn’t have enough money at the moment. Boy, was I surprised when I didn’t find her home she had left my cousin take care of our daughter. When I asked my cousin about my wife she said she had really no idea where she had gone but that she really dressed up and tried to look her best. I stayed up until she came home. She arrived at seven in the morning!!! Just out of the blue she told me that she had spent the whole night having sex with the guy who supposedly was her cousin’s cousin. And that she had already made out with him and they had touched each other the night before.

Well, this comment has already become just too long. What I can tell you is, that was only the beginning, she did a lot more than that later. Those were the most painful months of my life.

I ended up "forgiving" her and we’re together now. I decided that because I didn’t want my girl to grow without her Dad like I did. But to be really honest, deep inside me I still resent her a lot, and even though I do care about her, I just don’t feel the same way. I think the love I once felt for her died with that If you’re interested in more details of what happened just post a comment asking me to write again.

My advice is that if you have no children split now and you’ll save yourself a lot of tears and suffering.

written by David E. 998, 25 September, 2009

I feel the woman I loved died when she had an affair. I lost all respect for her and would be gone if it wasn’t for the kids. I’m not sure if I can make a marriage work when I have been betrayed so badly. She was the one person I thought would never betray me. She says it’s over, and I think it is, but you can’t undo the past. I can forgive, but i can’t forget. How do I look at her without wanting to throw up because of what she did to our marriage?

written by nate, 13 October, 2009

my wife has had secret "conversations" with her ex-boyfriend from 15 yrs ago. i was hoping to come to this website to see stories of people whose wifes cheated but after a couple years and lots of counseling... everything moved on. but instead i find that years after the event, the pain stays.

written by RS, 21 October, 2009

My wife had an affair over twenty years ago. We remained together, raised one daughter, but its been very difficult. I can’t quit thinking about it. Since the affair, my wife has wanted very little to do with me. I always seem to be less important than what she thinks needs to be done such as chores around the house, going and getting a coffee that seems to take hours for her to accomplish. I know that I am tired of feeling the pain of what happened years ago. We have few good days together. After all this time, I feel like I want to move on and try to find love. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it is right to leave since her affair happened 20 years ago.
Just this last fall (200 she would sometimes leave for work earlier than she normally did. She would leave at 4 am and not get back home from work until around 7:30 pm. This was the same pattern she had done before when she had her affair. I am thinking that she may have done it again. I got up the nerve to confront her about it and naturally she denied it.
I don’t know what to do. The religion that I belong to will only allow divorce for infidelity. Like I mentioned it has been 20 years since her affair, that I can affirm happened. I know that I have been lonely and dealt with the feeling of not being wanted everyday since. The few good days we have together anymore, to me, just isn’t worth the effort anymore. I just feel like I want to move on to find love but I don’t know if I am allowed to because of my religion.

written by The Cheater, 21 October, 2009

So I’m setting myself up to be crucified here...but maybe thats what I need.

I had the world, and I wasn’t happy. Flash forward 4 years of dating...it wasn’t that he didn’t love me enough (although he never showed it), and when he pulled out a perfect engagement way beyond his means before I moved away for work, I felt sick and didn’t want a thing to do with it. I wore the ring to work, but never told anyone. Did the bare minimal to mention it. After five months we still didn’t have a state picked out to get married at. So drinking one night a guy kissed me. I told my fiancee about it...a month later, I went home with the other guy, although we did not do anything beyond cuddling. My fiancee found out and it ripped his heart out. When I ripped his out, I realized I ripped mine out too. I’m so sorry, nothing was worth this.

For all you guys out there, you are right you don’t deserve this. For my guy, I want you to be so happy. I have put you through hell for the privilege of being my boyfriend, and than fiancee. You deserved better, and I hope one day I’ll be the girl you dream of again. More than anything, I want to change. I really want to find our problems and fix them, and I want to be there for you. I just don’t know how to be there for you when I’m the one causing you pain.

written by mtbman, 24 October, 2009

Well I just recently found out that my wife of 15yrs cheated on me, She found 3 different guys on a website and had sex with them once each at different times. When she said she went out for coffee. I too had a feeling she was cheating and even confronted her about it and she denied it. She told me before she realized that she had ended up getting herpes from the last one and passing it on to me. I love her and feel like I can’t throw our lives away and want to work through this. We have three kids, one is special needs dont make a lot of money, so we have a lot of stress in our lives. Just wanted to share my story so far and I wish you all well healing your own pain, and reading your stories helps.

written by itsashame, 08 November, 2009

Even though im going through the same problems but my wife got pregnant by the other man. I feel bad for all of us I know men are not perfect but i just keep thinking what did we do to deserve this. We still have some really good times together and i love her with all my heart and i made a commitment to her and her kids (that i raise) that i would always be here for them so i cant bring myself to leave her. But now its kinda like i hate myself for loving and caring so much. And how do you ever trust again even though it was a one night stand. i just cant get the pic of them to doing it out of my head and wondering if she really enjoyed it. sorry im just rambling im just loosing my mind

written by anothersucker, 13 November, 2009

Well here goes another sad story...my wife of eight years, mother of my two wonderful kids, and the love of my life had an affair. We had everything anyone could want. I built us a great family home, bought us nice cars and everything else my wife asked for. Although I am just a blue collar worker, we had no financial trouble. My wife wanted to stay home with the kids, so from the time of our first baby she did. She has done a wonderful job raising our healthy and happy children. I loved my wife fiercely, and always thought I could count on her love as well.
As the kids reached school age, my wife started volunteering at the school. I felt proud of my wife’s passion for helping our kids, and it never occurred to me it would lead to our undoing. last year a new principal started at the school. Apparently everything started to go wrong almost immediately. They started to flirt. Next they would leave during school for coffee. Soon they would make out in his truck, and finally he would stop by my house after I went to work in the morning and have sex. Sometimes they would do this in his truck in the driveway as my kids were still sleeping. Other times such as when I would take my wife out on dates and we had overnight child care but I had to work the next morning, he would stop by and they would have sex in our home before she would go pick up the kids. This process went on for about a year. I had no idea anything was wrong. I noticed my wife was crabby sometimes, but she told me the kids made her tired. I tried to be home more to watch them, but of course this only gave her more time to talk to and see her lover. And by the way they did love each other, and said so in texts and e-mails. This was a full blown emotional and physical long term affair. The only reason I discovered it was that my wife would not be separated from her phone, even taking it in the shower with her. This eventually made me feel suspicious, and even though I hated myself for doing it, I looked in her gym bag and found condoms (I have a vasectomy).
Everyone who knows my wife and especially me will say that she is not the kind of person who would ever do this. She is very smart, funny and beautiful. She has even told me for years that she would never cheat because her mother did and it wrecked her parents marriage and the family. She knew the risks and yet when the opportunity arose she leapt at it. I can’t make sense of why my life partner would choose this path of deceit, immorality and destruction. I want to stay for the well being of our two boys (4 and 7 years old) but I do not think I can look at my wife with the same pride and respect again. It has been one month since I discovered the affair, and I am trying to wait until the six month mark to determine the right action. She says she desperately wants to reconcile, and we are getting counseling weekly. The only pride I have left in my life is my kids, and the fact that they are unaware of any problems so far. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that life has a way of knocking good people down sometimes. I only hope I can make the right decisions for my family and myself to someday stand back up.

written by Khai, 22 November, 2009

I definitely feel eveyones pain. My wife of almost 3 years decided that she wanted to separate because she did not feel that this was the right relationship for her. She said that she felt unequal in the relationship. I mean, I supported the both of us while she went to school and wanted nothing but the world for her. Apparently this was not enough. We ended up separating this past summer with the hopes of getting back together. However, things took a twist when I recently found out that she had a boyfriend who she had been sleeping with for the past month an a half. I did not know how to take this. I love her so much and felt that we were unstoppable. Clearly I was wrong. The real kicker is that while she was sleeping with this guy that i didn’t know about, she was telling me that she wanted to take steps in order to make our marriage work. When I would has her if she had been seeing anyone she would avidly tell me no and that the separation had nothing to do with "other" people. After seeing them out and her kissing him with my own eyes, she had no choice but to come clean. At this point, we are still separated but she calls, or emails me about several times a week wanting to know what needs to happen in order for us to work. Guys, i don’t know if it is in me. When you get married, she is supposed to be your beginning and ending. I just don’t think that i can come to terms with her having left me while having given her body to someone else as well. I close my eyes, and this is what I see. I don’t even want to kiss her but through all of this, I can still feel that i love her. Love seems the be the common denominator when it comes to and obvious defiance of logic. On one end i am saying " she has ha another mans D%$^ inside of her and that I deserve better" while on the other I am saying " This is my wife and I should want to work this out." I told her that I am thinking of seeing other people, so she may want to do the same. Not that I really want to date other people, I just know that I cannot be with her right now. Hopefully things work themselves out. I will keep you posted.

written by To anothersucker, 23 November, 2009

Like many abused husbands on this site have said "Once a cheat, always a cheat". Your wife lied to your face and then told you to be faithful to her. Life is far too short to stay with someone like her. Your kids will eventually find out about it – even if its 10 years from now. If you stay how will it impact them.
In their future somebody will abuse them whether it be a future wife, friend or boss. By staying are you teaching them to accept abuse and mistreatment?

written by Captain Hazel Murphy, 05 December, 2009

My wife cheated on me at least four times with two different guys.She tearfully confessed a week before our second anniversary. We had been having problems for a while i guess, drifting apart. We had decided to split up before she told me, but it didn’t make a difference. I went wild, I was murderous. One of the guys had actually been in the bar i worked at and mocked me. To my face, I didn’t understand then but I do now. She was so.... god even now i can barely come up with words for how i feel. She wants us to work things out now. Ha, how can I ever trust her again?

written by Still confused, 06 January, 2010

Found out my wife was having an affair about 3 months ago. It lasted for about 2 months. It was with a coworker who found his way to travel to the same places she was at. I’m sure she was in love with him because she slept with him 2 nights in a row the first time. No guilt or remorse. I thought it might have started when she drank too much but you dont get drunk 2 nights in a row and make a "mistake" It continued every trip she would make and make excuses to sleep even though it was only 1 1/2 hours away. The last time was in my house while i was away fishing for 5 days. What kind of person does this act, but to take him in our house! Thats a big pill to swallow. I would have Never thought she could do something like this. I would think when she was away that she had the importunity to cheat, but i would tell myself that i have to trust her.

I found out when she was taking a shower(getting ready for sex with me) the day back from my fishing trip, because i missed her and wanted lovin. When she was in the shower her phone was getting texts so i got up to see what it was about and low and behold shes stating how she misses his arms around her and his kisses. i stormed into the bath and turned off the shower and was asking her if she F%$^ed him?!! she said no of course. but scrolling thru the texts which was the ones she was getting when she was in the shower was him saying "...and the endless sex was awesome too..." It was one lie after the next when i was asking for details she lied more and more to minimize the affair. it took about 3 weeks to get all the details all the while trying to work it out. She was the one wanting to work it out, i was done with her! after 2 days i thought if she was sincere about it and i never gave it a chance, then i would never know. We were working it out and i found out that they were still talking. the first week after was "closure" for them but he continued to call her and email which i found out on the 3rd week after we restarted. I kicked her out and was getting paperwork ready for divorce. because she dragged out the details which now i knew at week 3 which was that she had slept with him at least 10 times. I didnt think i could continue with her. she was not the person i married. My neighbor put a seed in my head that it could still work out with us so i got confused(undecided) again and started talking to her again. we are both in individual counciling and have a councilor for us but i still have my doubts about us.

Our councilor has me on lexapro to calm me some but i dont know that i can keep living with "someone who cheats". Our marriage wasnt great by any means but i didnt think it was bad enough to seek love elsewhere. I have changed alot since then and she is more loving and caring trying to be a good wife but i am constantly reminded of the affair. I cant even watch a movie without some reference to cheating. The lexapro sucks because now i cannot climax during sex with her and it makes me more depressed. I cant have sex with her without thinking "wonder if he did this or wonder if he was better than me" I cant go to lunch with her thinking "did she come here with him" I dont want to get in our garden tub with her ever again because i know they were in there. I want to move from this house but the market is crappy right now but plan to as soon as possible.

Reading all the other posts makes me wonder if she is contacting him again. she has a smart phone(work) and i cant get any details off it to find out if they are talking or emailing from a different account. i suspect right now that there is a 20% chance that she would be. This guy is not attractive to anyone that i ask and my wife is gorgeous! How he ever got her is beyond me. Hell I am embarrassed for her!

Anyways, our 5 year anniversary is in 3 months so that will be about 6 months into this new life and will decide from there if i should continue this. Right now it’s very good at times. but i dont know if i can keep living like this knowing what she did. please vote. + stay or – run, very fast

written by CmikeO, 17 January, 2010

My ex-wife cheated on me repeatedly throughout our 13+ yr marriage. It was through counseling that I finally had the courage to end it once and for all. We are both military, so any time we were apart she was cheating...even before we were married she slept with our next door neighbor. Should have been clue enough then, but I believed her that it was a one-time thing and forgave her. If it would have ended there we would have been fine, but between deployments and assignments to Korea – every time she cheated...although she said she was just "dating" the guys – not sleeping with them. Yeah right! I finally confronted her about all the times she had cheated and she never could be 100% honest with me. Without honesty you can’t have a relationship, so I finally filed for divorce. It was the best decision I made in my life! I now have a wonderful new wife who is everything to me; a dream come true! As for my ex-wife...she has simply gone on to do the same thing to her new husband. I feel bad for him in a way because I know that she was not honest with him about why we got divorced...as she lied to her family and our mutual friends about it. But, if he is too blind to see it...then that’s his problem.

If your spouse is cheating and it is a one time thing and they truly try to make things right – then IMO it’s worth trying to work out. If, on the other hand, they do like my ex-wife and habitually cheat – run, don’t walk, the other way! They WILL NOT change! People like that should never get married in the first place – they should stay single and sleep with whoever they want. At least the only person they will hurt then is themselves!

written by I must be a mug, 21 January, 2010

I was going with my girlfriend for 3and a half years.. We were in love, well I was.. And I loved her with all my heart. After a year she left me and went with another guy for 2 weeks. And I was devastated and thought about killing myself.. I was that bad!! She wanted me bak and cried alot so I took her bak.. We were fine then another yeah later the same thing happened again she went for a different guy for a month.. Then like the last time she wanted me bak so I took her back.. However after a few weeks of being normal she told me she was pregnant and it wasn’t mine.. I am totally devastated, my life is ruined I think about suicide alot but she told me she loves me and now I believe her but the other day she we
t weird and won’t talk ot text me bak. I think she went back to the other guy so they cam be a family!! She is the only person I have ever loved and we have known eachother since we were 11/12,,, wot can I do? I wud rather b dead then live without her!

written by Mug number 2, 20 February, 2010

It happened to me 3 years ago. I found texts from my wife’s phone from her first cousin trying to arrange weekend away at a motel in another town, texts also made reference to them and a hot-tub. He’s married. I noticed most of her texts to him from her were deleted as well as well as some of his. After a month of watching her I confronted her and she denied anything was happening she said she ‘would never do something like that to me’ ‘and he was just being supportive’ the missing texts were her ‘send and delete’ method of texting (yeah right!). Initially I believed her. But I realised later I was in denial. My mind kept reminding me everyday about it and its something I need to attend to. However, we have a 10 year old son. What also hurts is that I think she kept seeing him after I initially confronted her. I knew the crap it would create if her family found out. But I also know the day is going to come again when I going to confront her and him about it, hopefully I can hang out til my son is older.

written by Very hurt and depressed, 02 March, 2010

Man, hearing all these story really makes me sick to my stomach. Well here is my story, I fell in love with my high school sweet heart 15 years ago, she had a boyfriend back then and I was just a friend. One day I told her how much I really am attracted to her and one thing lead to another. She told me her bf was a bad guy always in jail and I told her that is not a good person to be with so we decided to be with each other. After being together for a year I went on vacation for the summer. I came back early because I missed her soooo much, she was really surprised to see me, anyways I soon get this call from her ex. Out of the blues yelling at me how they were having sex when I was gone, how he did this to her and how she did this to him. I was soooooo mad and hurt and felt sooo betrayed. Like every other cheater she denied it at first then some of my friends told me what she did to me, it was embarrassing. Anyways we still ended up together and had kids we finally got married after her cheating on me 5 years later. We are still together now it’s been 15 years and til this day I still can’t forgive her. She is beautiful, smart, funny a great person a great mother to my kids she loves me passionately, but something inside me til this day won’t let me forgive her or trust her. One day a couple of months ago she did had a bruise on her breast like a hickey or something I asked her what was that she said it was just a bruise, so I believed her and went on. Another time she came home late from work and quickly went to go take a shower, that was odd she usually come home and sleep. I give her the benefit of the doubt, I’m not the same person I used to be I’m now a very depressed person with very low self esteem and can’t trust Anybody no more. I know it happen 15 years ago but it still drives me crazy til this day, I feel like I’m living a lie. I guess what I am trying to say is if you caught your lady cheating on you, Leave! If you have the strength to leave then do it, it’ll save you the many years of pain which I went through and am still going through now... I love my family to death but that $hit that happen to me and the pain, trust, and happiness is not there any more. Like someone wrote before I can’t watch a movie or have conversation about cheating and not have those old bad sick feeling come back..... Funny story we were with a bunch of friends one day and one of them had a spouse cheat on them and my wife had the nerve to say leave him because once a cheater always a cheater!

written by Tim P, 21 April, 2010

My wife worked nights, leaving the house around 5pm and returning at 5am. I learned that her "work" often consisted of going to a hotel and having sex with a co-worker. I learned this when she got pregnant and came to me asking for help. We got an abortion, she promised to never see the guy again, we moved to another town, said we would raise our own family, and she immediately got pregnant again. Twenty years later she let it slip that at first she was afraid that our son was the other guy’s. Which means that, after the abortion, she had sex with him again. Once a cheater always a cheater.

written by martytoken, 24 April, 2010

Got a phone call one day from a women telling me that my wife was having an affair with her co-worker, he was 19 she was 40. We had been married for 18 years have 2 boys than 10 and 12, almost dropped dead right there and then, sometimes wish I did, might have been easier to do than go through all the pain. The feeling that the person you were so in love with has died is right on the money and I have stayed with her now for just over 2 years and it has gotten easier. I stayed mostly for money reasons that know one seems to mention here? But also for the kids and that I truly loved her and that she made me happy and treated me great, so other than the fact she had cheated on me I was very happy and thought she was as well. So I look at it like this I was very happy so she had an affair begged for forgiveness and all that crap even said she was going to kill herself if I made her leave, so I have this women to have sex with whenever I want she make good money as do I, she takes good care of the kids and the house although we share responsibilities equal, she treats me even better than she did before, so why on earth would I leave her have to sell my house that right on a lake were I go fishing and hunting everyday and give her half of everything, and be on my own?? Doesn’t make any sense to me to leave her, we both had many different partners before we married whats one more? Anyway to those that want some hope, there is I guess but you have to change your attitude towards what happened and lighten up, I know I feel much better after 2 years has gone by and we are having fun together once again, not that I never thing about it but hey just saying its gotten easier for me, enjoying life again. Good luck to you all.

written by Mad as hell, 01 June, 2010

A wise man one said, "They are all whores except your mother. But don’t ask your father." I think the general consensus here is correct. Once a cheater always a cheater. This is not the first time my wife cheated. And although she claims to want to work it out, she was out doing who knows what again last night. I’d say that’s really trying hard? After reading here though, I realize after 23 years and 4 kids, this sham of a marriage has to end for my own sanity. Like many have said, I will NEVER trust her again and always have that "feeling" in the back of my mind that she’s up to something whenever her cell rings. And the thought of her with another man (men) would always be there whenever we had sex. I really wanted to try and make it work again, but the whore just doesn’t care. Good riddance to the worst thing that ever happened to me!

written by my wife is a serial cheater, 16 June, 2010

I liked martytoken’s comment from April 24 because it was one of few that offered hope. But here is my story, it’s a bad one.

My wife of 17 years is a gorgeous shapely blond. We have 4 beautiful kids ages 7 to 16. I had been chasing her around for sex for the past 2 years but she always had excuses etc. She doesn’t work and would spend endless hours "shopping". One night I get up out of bed looked at the kitchen pc and it had lots of Ashley Madison emails on it, she quickly ran over and signed off. I downloaded webwatcher the next day onto that pc and it only took a few days to discover everything. There were 2 full blown physical affairs with men from our kids 2 schools. The affairs lasted over a year and had many unprotected sex encounters. As well I found hidden hotmail sites with hundreds of sex emails with photos of her and the other men’s erections etc. This also had been going on for 2 years. I put it all on a flash drive and threw it in a safety deposit box.

When I confronted her about the affairs she denied everything, swore on her mother’s grave nothing happened. Then I revealed all the evidence. That was just 2 days after her most recent sex encounter done under the guise of a job interview, that covered the fact that she looked extra good that day.

She did it in the family van several times after dropping off the kids to school, she did it in our house while I was skiing with the kids. She sent nude photos all over the place. She took photos of herself using sex toys and sent them out to strangers. It goes on and on, now were picking up the pieces and have seen 6 different therapists. She has renounced all affairs and promised to be faithful. I’ve got the van gps’d, phone lines tapped and pc’s software monitored with key bloggers. I’ve also got her to sign a financial agreement. Oh yes, I told her if I see her on a cell phone again we’re done.

One thing you guys should keep in mind is it’s not your fault. I’m fine with that part, I’m very active, in great shape and have been very kind and uncontrolling to her. She took advantage of all that. I guess I’ll see what happens but I will never trust her again. There is one piece of good news, I’m now much more up front of what I want from her sexually. None of its kinky its just stuff we didn’t do before and I know I enjoy.

Good luck everyone!

But what I keep hearing from this site is once a cheater always a cheater. Ironically her facebook (another big tool for cheaters) friends told I had obviously had lots of affairs too! No way, I never even kissed another woman during our 17 years.

Anyway at this point I’m still with her because of the kids. As I write this my wife is on the couch crying uncontrollably (her biggest moments of remorse in 2 years).

I actually can bring myself to forget if I can believe the cheating won’t repeat.

written by Georgia Boy, 17 June, 2010

Well, all sounds to familiar. My wife and I have been married for 12 years. She cheated on me 2 times last year with the same guy, who was what I thought a family friend. After everything was said and done, I found out they were horniest people alive. All they wanted to do was hook up, and they did it everywhere, his truck, neighborhoods under construction, his garage, his house, his camper, my house, her minivan, local hotels, you name, they did it there. 2 to 3 times a day while I was at work, trying to make enough to pay bills and keep food on the table. She was suppose to be working, but as you can tell she wasn’t. After all the yelling, we are trying to make it work, but I find myself thinking about when ever we have an argument. Lately she has threatened me 2 times, and to tell you the truth, I don’t care. What should I do?

written by MarionFranklin, 20 June, 2010

Every one remembers that human’s life is very expensive, but some people need cash for different things and not every one earns big sums cash. Hence to get some loans and just collateral loan will be a correct way out.

written by GuyWithInfo, 22 June, 2010

This all sounds too familiar. My wife had her affairs with two married men in our circle of friends, and this was about two-three years ago. I am currently here for the kids, and am not making any attempts to better the marriage, as she fell of the wagon repeatedly each time I confronted her.
Currently I am wrestling with this question: One of the people she snuck out with is now getting a divorce. Should I offer the evidence to the other wife – the other victim? We have never discussed it, as I kept it between my wife and me. But it seems like this should come to the surface, since I’m sure they are digging everything they can against each other. I’m just trying to separate the question of what I should do from my own desire to expose my own wife. Maybe someone here can offer a more objective viewpoint?
Best of luck to all previous posts.

written by What to do, my experience so far....., 22 July, 2010

My story is I was working shift work days and nights. My wife cheated with a man i don’t know. The affair continued even when she was pregnant with our son (Had DNA test and he is mine). Remember guys in this day and age sex can get you killed, I feel that she endangered my life and my unborn son by having unprotected sex with a man that told her "i’ve been tested", all on his word yet, I was crap in her eyes because I did not give enough hugs and kisses. My wife had not been with another man but why not ask me why not tell me she wanted more, why not get a gigolo. I assumed before I got married that she would one day ask herself what sex is like with another man, but not go out and do it 10 months into our marriage, she could not even wait after our son was born to talk to him, she was on the phone to him in the afternoon. Funny part is she feels that our sex life is and was better than what she had with this guy but he gave her more affection, told her she was great ever day (Its funny how great our wifes are when you can unload a load in them and you don’t have to pay their bills or deal with their crap and families). Thing is the wife just didn’t hear me say these things to her, didn’t see me do things for her just didn’t think. Thanks well I’m not going to think (of her) from now on.

She apparently knew he had the snip before she got pregnant but why if she was 1% unsure if I was the father would she tell me I am. Yes he played his part after I reviewed the texted messages and calls he was over the top he hounded her every day and she did not want to get caught but why not tell me, shut the door keep it locked and tell me you had an affair? Lies get you nothing but not saying what you feel and leaving out parts not to upset someone also damages you and the relationship. I’m staying around for my son. But honestly how can you trust her again. They slept in our bed he would leave at 3am and I would return from work at 6am, the lazy bih; would not even change the sheets!!!

The phone use (Phone not leaving her side) and the constant messages gave her away, the guy had 2 kids and a wife. I confronted him and him was a lying coward of a man, he was on his knees crying and telling me he was lied to by her, but I could poke holes in is story everywhere. His wife had left him 6 months before I found out as she suspected something, I tracked her down thousands of km’s away and I did this because I assumed he had not told her the truth and bingo she left because she thought but never really had proof, he made her feel like an idiot and she left him for nothing, just like my wife made me the bad person when it was her having the affair. Contacting his wife was great for me as it made the truth come out and put him in the shit, he wanted back in with her, hopefully she fucks him off. I was able to fill her in on everything, my wife told me everthing that happened which did help, as hard as it was but you always have the feeling they are holding something back. In the end who knows what will happen but guys remember they kill you with your love for them, they go back into their – I love you etc hugs and kisses when they are about to lose everything.

Hey "anothersucker" its been 6 months did you work it out?

written by I’m moving on, 10 August, 2010

Feel for you all.... Almost two yrs later and it seems as if the pain will never end..When I found out about my ex’s affair with a married coworker I immediately filed for divorce..We spent 11 yrs together total and were married for seven of them..The hardest thing I had to do in my life was walk away from the person I thought was my best friend...I know myself and I know that we would never be able to be happy again after this happened.I still think of her every day and hope that one day I feel like me again...Hang in there and wish you all well

written by Reno, 01 September, 2010

Men listen up very carefully; any of you men staying with these women, regardless of what, know that you’re doing the wrong thing; you deserve better. If a woman, your wife cheats on you...you should get a divorce, pronto. Don’t get mad at her, people make mistakes, and some people are just fuck ups, but no man should have to bear the humiliation of staying with a woman that cheats, especially one that cheats often; regardless of how you look, or how old you are, you can get WAY better women out there, and its easy to do so also; look up the Alpha Male method on google or youtube, and SET YOURSELF FREE! No woman is "the one" for you; the only thing that exists is "the one that suits you the best". End of. Become a man, be grounded, know what you stand for, and what you don’t; do NOT stand for a cheating spouse, you are a man, stand on your feet, and do the right thing. Is cheating right, in your book? Does she deserve to stay with you after such an act of treason? No. Get rid of her, there are better women out there for you.
This has never happened to me, but if it did...she wont have another chance to do it, ever.
A man has to order his world to suit himself, things that you stand for, and things that you don’t stand for. Anyways good luck to you all...

written by Pete66, 14 September, 2010

Don’t trust someone who can destroy you after telling you they love you... run and never come back however hard it might be to do so... you lose them like they have died when they cheat on you, some will torture your mind with lies and manipulation. Its taken me until this evening to truly realize this after being separated from my cheating wife for 20 months. She now lives with him in our four bed home with our daughter whilst I live in a room that belongs to the local hospital I work for. She met him in an emergency department she worked at... she has now left since he lost his job through drinking, lost his car license after a dui smash, and has split on many occasions. She is even taking him with our daughter to Florida Disney like we always did. One guy said its like a cancer the way they can destroy your soul... And this is not aimed at women alone, men do this to women too. I loved her once, hate her now. Sadly, I always will until I pass away.

written by bubba25, 01 October, 2010

My wife and I have been married 25 years. About 20 years ago she cheated on me with two different guys. One guy she had a full blown relationship with for 6-8 weeks while I was out of the country. Afterward, she came to me pregnant and with NSF. Luckily or unfortunately depends on your perspective, the baby miscarried probably from the STD she contracted or the stress of knowing it was some other guy’s baby. The other guy was a "one night stand". The problem I have had all these years is that I am pretty sure she’s had more sexual encounters with other men since we’ve been married but she won’t admit it. Just like all the other posts on this site, she didn’t come clean on these two relationships until I could present solid evidence and then she confessed some but then I would find out more and she confess more. After 20 years, I can tell you that I am still not over it. I do love her and will probably never leave her unless I catch her doing this again. I can say without a doubt I have never fooled around on her. I have certainly had opportunities since we’ve been together but I have never kissed, made out with or had sex with anyone but my wife in over 25 years.

Even after all this time, I still feel that she would fool around if she had a few drinks, was out of town and felt she could get away with it. But the last 15 years of our marriage has been a storybook marriage: loving, sexual and caring. My only concern these past couple of years is that she likes to watch men masturbating on internet videos. She says that she does that to get aroused. At this point, I don’t believe she is fooling around but you know how it is, a woman can walk into a bar or any given situation and find a "hook up" within 5 minutes – there are always guys ready to please. I believe I will never find out the full truth on her sexual encounters, so most days I don’t think about it but today just happens to be one of those few days each year that it bothers me.

I can tell you that if you love her and you feel like she loves you that it is definitely worth considering staying in the marriage but I don’t think you can ever fully trust her again.

written by I am done, 28 November, 2010

Read all the post over 4 years. Notice no one comes back with a follow up to the stories.
In my case my wife of 16 years had an affair with mutual friend 7 years ago that she was forced to confess to me or others would tell. She felt guilty, cried and didn’t want divorce. We had counseling, as we did in 1st year and 4th year of marriage. But she never liked what the counselors had to say. I took her back and she make changes for a few months but then gradually went back to ignoring me and such. She actually realized she never fell in love with me during our short courtship. She gets herself into trouble in relationships with her strong opinions and thinks I do not back her up enough. The past two years she basically cut me off from sex with only a few exceptions. She couldn’t even do it once a week as she promised. More like twice a month. Then the last 18 months there was 2, 3 or 4 months with nothing. Then she would say that was because I didn’t want too. I explain that is not true. Then in August we had two good times of sex in two weeks. I told her she had given me reason for great hope. Then I come back from a trip and nothing. A few days later I ask her why she is acting so mean to me. She says she wants to be separated, but live like roommates for the sake of our 14 and 15 year old. I said okay hoping she would change her mind in a few weeks. She doesn’t want individual or couples counseling. I asked her to reconsider but she still wanted to be separated but pretend to be married. Now 3 months into this and I am 2 months into Lexapro which I don’t know if it helps. But I am at the point of ready to file for divorce if she does not. I had hoped to keep it together until boys 18 but looks impossible. Sometime last month my love for her finally died and with that any hope. Give me your vote up if you think I will be better off without her. Vote down if I will regret divorce.

written by Nick C, 27 January, 2011

Ten years ago my wife had an affair with someone that used to work for me. At the time we had three children who were 5,6, and 10.They are now 15,16 and 20 and I am starting to feel like I am going to call it a day on my marriage. I really have no feeling left and am completely drained. At the time I said to my wife that I would stay married and give it a go for the sake of the children so that they could have a happy stable upbringing. Which they have had.

Now however I am thinking that I have no feelings for my wife and we are just existing still for the children and life is very mundane. I feel that I can get a lot more out of my life and ultimately just want to be happy. Which I am not and have not been for a few years. We are at a point really where we dont talk to each other and now really have nothing in common any more.

Is it unusual for this to be grinding away inside of me after so long or is it common..

I would be interested in anyone’s thoughts or ideas/advice..Many thanks

written by shattered heart, 20 March, 2011

My wife of 6 years who is on a 6 month military deployment has just came clean to me today, not by choice of course but by me asking her to swear on mine and my daughters life (harsh I know) that she hasn’t cheated and I would never question her about it again. When after 30 minutes of her dodging the whole conversation and and making up reasons not to say it I knew and broke into tears and she finally told me about multiple times with the same guy. We talked about it for several hours, well I did most of the talking cause shes not much of a talker. Now to be honest our relationship had problems and was rocky at times and she had a habit of lying to me so of course I was going to be questionable of what she was honest about over there. She told me if I hadn’t been questioning her she never would have done it. Just like most women she had to some how make it my fault. I am a great father and an honest loyal husband and in no way it this my fault. I’ve been looking at a blank wall for hours now and have no clue what to do next. Every choice we make affects not only us but our children and all the ones we love so think long and hard about the direction we take from being cheated on. Can we accept it and move on or will it haunt us for the rest of our lives and make you to resentful towards your spouse forever. The children will pick up on it if you cant ever let it go. So do I stay or go. Sucks to be punished when all all Ive ever done was be honest and faithful

written by dumb...., 04 May, 2011

I found 3 cell phones that my wife was hiding. She says that she never had any sex with the two men that she was talking too. I found she has had them for three years. One of the men got her fired 20 yrs ago. She promised at least 4 times she would stop talking to him. He gave her this phone to talk about his family problems. Am I dumb for believing her or what.

written by...., 06 May, 2011

Same story has shattered heart. I found out about my wife cheating on me on November 1st, 2010. Having an affair with a friend of mine. I was shattered completely. Would have divorced her if not for the 2 beautiful kids I have. I was a loyal husband and good dad..., she left me completely shattered and ruined... trying to pick up my life again.. but still end up crying many times a week.

written by andrew!, 07 May, 2011

i always knew my wife was with me because i was the best option available. this decision has ultimately cost me all that i have worked for my entire life. i try to be positive but hey when i ceased to be useful to her she gave me the kicking of my life, i despise her and wish and hope her dead. i fear for my children, i pray for strength for them

written by Such is life, 20 June, 2011

I am currently experiencing the same problem as you guys.
I found out my wife had been in contact with her ex boyfriend throughout last year till now. Although they haven’t had any physical relationship, it is still considered cheating when they communicate with each other and say things like "I love you" or call each other "Honey" and "I miss you" etc... especially behind your back...
I confronted her about this issue and she apologized and promised to never talk to him again. Guess what? I was stupid enough to believe this and forgave her, months later, she continued to hide behind my back and text him back and forth...
I love my wife, and because I love her so much, I always forgave her, but deep down inside I can never forget what she did to me and how hurt I inside...
When ever we get mad at each other due to arguments or what not, my wife would secretly hide from me and text to her ex.
I really cannot stand much more of this but I do not know what to do...
I love her, but this relationship is just 1 sided from my point of view. I really don’t want to let her go, but if i don’t I will just get hurt more...
As of right now, my wife is angry with me because of some stupid misunderstanding, she is at home chatting on the computer with someone, it is obvious who she is chatting to while I’m at work...
I really can’t stand much of this, but at the same time I don’t want to let go...
I’m just stupid and a pathetic love strapped guy that can’t bear the thought of losing my loved one...

Such is life...

written by Clark516, 05 July, 2011

My wife had an affair in the fall of 2009. Although I had my suspicions, I didn’t officially learn of it until February of 2010. I could have left, but my objective was to keep our family together (5 kids). I didn’t want to put them through the drama of divorced parents, child support, visitation, public humiliation, etc... Although I chose to stay, my trust in her has diminished. I have a lot of questions that I’d like to have answered (i.e. timeline, progression of the relationship, the sex, etc...). But whenever the conversation comes up, she starts crying. In my opinion, it’s a diversionary tactic to avoid talking about it to avoid being judge. I don’t want to judge her or get even. She recently became reunited with a male cousin she has seen since they were young children. They constantly text one another and she is very secretive about him. He is in town and they have spent the day together. They are having dinner and late movie. I’m trying to be a good sport, but I’m not happy about it. I shouldn’t be jealous, but she just seems so extra chipper lately. (Shaking my head in befuddlement). I don’t expect an answer. I just needed to vent. Thanks for the blog post.

written by Nick2, 28 July, 2011

Remove the cell phones when you find them and destroy them.
They wont remember the numbers, cause they put them in and forget them, the cell phone remembers them.
Don’t forget to destroy the simm card with shears.
Wipe the PC of any cheating sites, send a message to the site help desk to change the password, use something obscure, don’t write it down, this will delay things a bit. You can ask the phone companies to block certain numbers, inc cell phones. Generally turn things around to your advantage, send a SMS message
ending the affair on her phone and wipe the number.
Think devious, they are to you!
Get professional help soonest to help you to cope, take your evidence with you don’t part with it, copy it several times, copy to lawyer, copy for you, copy to the professional help, copy to family, tell every one.
Then, and only then confront them, with an independent witness.

written by madangari, 09 August, 2011

Am really contemplating this...two weeks ago, I found that my girlfriend of 6 years had an affair with a guy she barely knew. It was a time I was planning to propose to her, when her best friend told me to check things again. She denied sleeping with him, but when she got ill, I dug and found that the guy is suspected to be H.I.V positive. The girl caught some infection which she infected me with as O had slept with her before I knew what really had happened. Now am in a silly dilemma is as I feel ready to forgive her but the pain is unbearable.. I love this girl to bits and I think its the right thing... only am debating... will this thing work now that even making love to her is a major issue??

written by Don NH, 17 August, 2011

I found out that after 17 years my love of my life (wife) had and was cheating me with this guy from work. I was blown away, I mean blown away. She was a former model and then became an accountant so I was use to guys hitting on her but, she always put family first..never ever led anyone on from what I have been told by others.. So five years go by and we are divorced and live in different states. She is alone and I have my daughter who decided to live with me by her own choice and still does... The problem is we recently spoke on the phone and I asked her to please take some time with me to just answer some of the why’s when it all happened so I could put closure to it which I don’t think I had. The reason I say this is we always fought on the phone every time since then.. I thought this would end it subconsciously for me and it would help me get past it and start fresh with her just forgive and forget.. So when it came time to talk one night she just blew me off...I have not spoken to her since but, I often think of her and have dreams every once in a while.. What’s wrong with me guys I have not dated a gal in years I just have fallen apart.. Thx

written by Brooks kelley, 04 September, 2011

My wife cheated on me, and walked out on our infant son. It devastated me, and what makes it worse is she choses to rub salt in the wounds and has never shown any remorse. She wanted the marriage, she wanted the baby, but you know what she is the problem not me.. She could have been married to a perfect man and she would find fault, and that is what an affair comes down to the person who has the affair has something deeply wrong with them. I’m sure there are assholes who drive the woman to another man... but that’s an excuse. Sex outside the marriage is NEVER ok. It is a cowardly way to act. If you want out, file for divorce. The truth is we should never ask ourselves to forgive a cheating spouse. They should see and feel the pain they caused. Why in the world should the good spouse endure the torment of bottling it up, that’s what everyone wants, it’s ugly, it’s people at their worst and everyone not directly involved even the family just want to get back to life and they unfairly ask the person who has been betrayed by the one person who made a vow before god family and friends to be faithful to act like it didn’t crush and defeat them. While you suffer quietly others minimize this suffering by acting like you should get over it... clearly they don’t understand that you are reminded of it by even the smallest things, places and mental images you cannot control and wish you didnt have. I honestly believe having the spouse die even the most horrible death would be a thousand times easier than coping with an affair. So don’t forgive, them, and let them know it.. Make them feel your pain. take their children, their self esteem and sense of pride... do it in the most hurtful way... despite what people say.... you will feel better... the pain will be transfered to them where it belongs. They didn’t deny themselves of anything, why should you. You shouldn’t!! Be smart and think of inocent children and bystanders but crush that person. I did and believe me it feels great. I’m not powerless, I’m not the victim anymore and dispite what people say deep down they wish they were strong enough to punish them like you did... by doing this you say... you cheated and now mean nothing to me. I am so sure of this that I will ruin any chance of ever reconciling she went behind my back like a coward. I went straight at her. So don’t forgive get even!! And remember no where else in life do people expect you to bend over and just take it... try to think of one... can’t can you? Do what you know is right and give them the hell they deserve.

written by It me like you....a sucker:(, 13 September, 2011

To all who have written above, THANK YOU...your words help give me strength that I’m not alone. I’m 29 now in what i though was a brilliant relationship. We met three years ago and married this spring... now I’m finding she has been sexting...she denies any wrong doing, I was helping her 3.5 year old load a movie on her iPhone, when suddenly a Text from Anthony appeared. I’m not a snooper so I didn’t even look just dismissed I as nothing. Later that very night when I got home, her phone was sitting on the table, suddenly I saw her screen light up it was from Anthony...Hmmm, this time my gut is telling me take a look dude it’s not good, in open to find a rather disgusting text to her everything else had been deleted but this new message. Hmmmm well I thought don know what to do...so I waited for weeks trying to catch her in this, sadly I’ve had no luck finding anything else, so I confronted her lightly about the text. She denied ever seeing them, after a couple days of arguing my point she finally confessed that he sends her dirty messages but she never responds. Don’t know my gut still tells me I’m screwed we have 3 kids only the youngest is actually mine. Is she cheating or am I barking up the wrong damn tree wish I could trust her but she lied about the text what else is she lying about wow this sucks.

written by GuyWithInfo, 13 September, 2011

Hey It me like you,

Yes, you’re right it sucks. If those were unsolicited messages, she would have jumped right in to complain about how she is getting them. Her lie was just to cover up more lies.

Don’t go down the path of trying to figure out exactly what happened – you’ll spend years trying to figure out the details like one change will matter. She is lying to you about some sort of sexual relationship, whether physical or online/texts. Do you need more specifics from her?

I am still with my wife (posted almost a year ago). I have made big changes in my relationship toward her after realizing she displays all the classic behavior of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Like you, there are children involved, and that is the only reason I am still here. I run interference for them.

Why am I here? I always said I’d give my life for my children. As it turns out, I’m giving the part of my life that would be dedicated to a loving, trusting relationship. The rest of me is still alive. On the other hand, in many cases it is better for the kids if the parents split up. You’ll have to work through that on your own.

Best of luck.

written by holiday, 16 September, 2011

I’m only 20 I’ve been up all night and after reading these stories I couldn’t help but cry, I love my girlfriend so much but when she was 17 & I was 18 she cheated on me with her ex. she told me 3 days after I was so hurt....I eventually got back with her...a little I’ve a year passed & I get a call that she sent nude photos to the same guy again now her being 18 & me 19... she dented it for about a week until I told her I was going to ask him myself....she confessed, I moved out...we got back together shortly after...I’m now 20 & she’s now 19....I’m not sure if she did those things out of immaturity or what? were now 2 years & 6 months...I’m trusting she has changed....what do you guys think you guys are older & wiser...I thought I was alone I have been depressed everyday since the first time but I stay with her.... I never. asked for any of this shit! what do I do it’s been about 6 months since the photos...she seems likes she’s changed but I just dont know I never expected this from her! :[ I’m just so sad always

written by goodwill, 23 September, 2011

Wow this is scary. I’m not married yet but I always had fear this. What if I confronted my wife... first she lied, then divulge and said sorry and promised it would be over. Then found out later that it did happen again contrary to what she promised. Then given another chance she break her promise again!

Breaking a promise once makes you doubt and lost your trust, which would be regained later after it proved that she held. But if she break the same promise again! That I can’t stomach! It’s betrayal! She knows I’m hurt, she knows I would suffer if she do it... but she did!

Marriage, for me, is a special bond made to each other, in the name of our love for each other, in the witness of other people, and under the blessings of our God! We made our vows, that we will be loyal to each other and be there for each other, forever... till death do us part!

It means that these broken promises, these lies, this betrayal, this ridicule, is made to my love for her, to me, to God, to all the witnesses of this sacred moment. And she does not do it only once but twice! And in such a small period! No time to heal, no time to regain trust, no time to regain faith.

Misbehavior is upsetting, but it could be righted and as time goes by we could joke about it. A broken promise hurts, but hurts heal though its something never to joked about. But betrayal is far more sinister. It destroys everything that is good and makes anything good hard to foster. My hatred that would developed and actions that I would take is not for the desire to punish but to take revenge!

The only thing I could think of you could do in this situation was to remember and to talk to her about the past before everything. To go back to the time you first meet, to your first date, your first kiss. To the day you were married, to those times when you said you love her and she said she love you, to go back to the time when everything beautiful exist.

It would be difficult to remember the things long gone but I think its only looking back... far back... to recognize what was lost and regain them. I think its only by going back to the joy of the past will you be able to overcome the present pain and have happiness in the future.

written by still at it, 23 September, 2011

I was married for 10yrs. It was not perfect, I was not perfect. I was raised in a very bias environment. I know now that I didn’t treat her right. I would insult her constantly, went out when ever I wanted and she would stay home take care of the kids and me and the house while I provided the money. I was the king of the house and I made the rules and if you didn’t obey you were in trouble, that was the rule with her, and the kids. the last years of our marriage we both had an affair. She with our kids coach. I always flirted with women when I was out but never cheated until those last years of our marriage. when she left I felt horrible I wanted to change and give us another chance but still kept my same attitude. we where separated for 2 yrs before we divorced she admitted to her affair with the coach and after she left she had 6 more affairs, two of which were online/phone. while we were separated I kept going out and flirting but never went all the way with another hoping I will get back with her even though she was so mad she said she hated me and didn’t want nothing to do with me. when I gave up all hope and started dating aging she came back and said she was wrong that she wanted me back. that’s when she confessed to everything she did (took several months for her to confess everything) I was mad and wanted to do the same to her. But when I tried she got all psycho and even slapped one girl I was sleeping with. we are divorced now but are still together, I think I still love her but I am to humiliated for what she did. Finding old friends who tell me they saw her with a guy. This is kind of a love hate relationship I know I did the same to her and was a bad husband but I want to be with my kids, you know! We have both been to counseling but it is very hard. we both hurt each other very much. I cheated on her 2 times when we where married and while we were separated slept with 2 more and still did not do everything she did. I do not see her the same way and every time we fight I bring it up. She has forgiven me for the abuse and affairs I put her through but I havent. I know she also has no clue as to what to do. And being together for the sake of our kids doesn’t work because they have been involved to much already. She says if we end this we cannot talk to each other again because she cannot bear to see me with someone else at the house we worked so hard for (I kept the house) and with another woman sharing moments with our kids and me. But I still want her in my life. I am so confused. I don’t know what to do. Please help!

written by Hope1, 27 September, 2011

I have read every single story here looking for hope. But did not find one person that was truly happy. Could that really be? Also, I don’t see many followups. But I did read the few that have stayed years after and there is no happy ending. Could these postings be a moment of sadness or is it always sad. Do you genuinely laugh with your wife? Do you feel the aftermath of the affair is what killed the relationship or is it the affair itself? What is it that truly killed the relationship? If she can forgive why can’t he?

I am the worst nightmare. I wronged my husband. And although he does not want to have the long dreadful conversation I know he is devastated. I related to one of the stories where she is perfection and never would have done such a horrible thing. But I did. Its done. Now I am truly repentful and trying so very hard to work things out. But after reading all these posts it sounds nearly impossible.

My husband asked that I not discuss it anymore, asked that call only when necessary, that I continue to take care of the household if I can. I am respecting his wishes and adding to it a warm meal when he gets home and adding short casual conversation about the day.

We have two very young children. He says he should have left but he says he’s staying and moving fwd. Women read this as "he still loves me." But when I read all the posts it sounds like he said what he means. "Staying for the kids." That’s it and that’s that.

OK. I am not looking for comfort or anger here. But I will take either to help me in some way guide this relationship to a healthier level.

I wronged him in the worst way possible. It was me. He did not deserve this. I am extremely repentful to have hurt my best friend this way.

And here’s the "but" because I have to fight for this marriage. I am not a bad person. I made poor choices. But I am still his best friend. Although I may be dead to him.

In this day and age is it really best to let go now or try to work it out? I don’t want to harm him anymore. I see from some stories where they got divorced and not happier. Are we seemingly visualizing the grass greener on the other side? Has anyone stayed and now know its the right choice? Maybe those testimonies are out having fun and don’t have time to type into this site.

written by thought it was love, 30 September, 2011

We were married for five9 years. One day he gets up and leaves because I asked him to help with the laundry. I’m sure there was more to it after a year of being separated and me begging and pleading he decided we could work things out. Six months later as I was on the computer I found pictures of him and another women ( his coworker) he finally confessed they’d an affair that he swears started after he left. She got preg the same month I got preg. She had an abortion and I miscarried. I don’t know how to forgive and forget. I jus need some help bt don’t know where or how to start!

written by Emprox, 30 September, 2011

I don’t really have a story to tell here, but may I say that every single story thus far here literally made my eyes shed minor tears. To the guys that have been cheated on, you guys are too nice of people considering you guys choose to stay with your wives because of your children. I glorify that very much! I, on the other hand, would never stay with a whore, and if I did have kids, I would divorce the whore and take them with me. You guys deserve way more. Hell is going to be these whores’ new home when the time comes. I just want to tell all the guys that have been cheated on to leave their wives and simply seek other women who would be faithful, caring, and loving! Like I said, you guys are the best and deserve better!

written by GuyWithInfo, 03 October, 2011

Lots of recent posts – I’m one who wrote a couple years ago and have stayed after multiple confrontations about the same affair. That affair is long-gone, but after her refusal to stop it when I first confronted her, she is dead to me.

Actually, I am still working to keep her dead to me. It’s hard to be completely emotionally detached from someone who is also raising my children. Plus, she’s around here every day.

Hope1 – thank you for sharing. I feel like I could come to understand one error, especially since you are admitting it and are sorry. Part of his response is based on the betrayal, and part could be based on unhappiness that was already there. Hard to say how big each part is. You can continue as-is and hope that he forgives over time. Or you can call it quits if you decide things aren’t going to change. Too many factors to give one answer. For a minute, I wondered if you were my wife. But then I could tell that you actually realize you did something wrong and are sorry. So I wish you the best.

Thought it was love – he’s a bastard. He is only confessing to the particular details he gets caught with. What are you going to find next time you get back together? No kids? Leave and do better.

Emprox – Thanks for the support! The main problem I have is the "divorce the whore and take [the kids] with me" part. In this state/country, it would be joint custody. And her treatment of the kids would ruin them (not enough to have them removed from the home, unfortunately). That’s the problem, and why I’m here.

written by Hope1, 03 October, 2011

GuyWithInfo,

Thank you for your comment. We had an amazing relationship before all this. I said I never bothered him with my needs because I wanted him to be "happy." He said he was happy. So that leaves me. I was happy. And so terribly want to be again. I took him for granted. I see that. So many other factors play into this but the dry fact is I wronged him. I don’t want to be dead to him. I cry every night but not in front of him. Mainly because I read men posts saying, "Here she goes with the tears again." So he has not seen much of the tearing or begging, etc. But I so want to run into his arms and never let go!! There has got to be a story out there that is positive. Where he forgives and still loves her. I know I don’t deserve his respect, love, etc. But I pray for mercy. I wake up to this nightmare! Some suggestions of how to awaken his love again?

written by Emprox, 03 October, 2011

GuyWithInfo

It’s my pleasure for showing support. So many sad stories of agony on this page; however, moving on correctly is the biggest virtue here. I also laughed my head off when you said "Actually, I am still working to keep her dead to me". I like what you’re doing there! Keep it up.

Hope1

It seems that you’re remorseful here very much. You’re husband seems as if he’s suppressing what he feels inside about you, but doesn’t want to say anything because it’d seem mean. I don’t really have any suggestions in particular, but you can try to be there for him every time, tell him that you love him daily, ask him whether he wants to go out to dinner often, and so on and so forth. I don’t really know your situation here...but I hope I helped a little bit.

written by GuyWithInfo, 05 October, 2011

Hope1 – I’d echo what Emprox said. I think you’re right in not trying to force him to forgive you right away. If my wife had said, "I’m very sorry. Do you forgive me now?" I would not. The time frame for forgiveness is up to him.

You can tell him that you are trying to show that you are sorry and want to move past it; it might be good that he knows it is still on your mind just like it is on his mind. Just don’t force a response. Let him soak it in and see the steps you are taking to be with him and to remove yourself from temptation.

And if he starts to respond, then you can openly talk about how you both might want to relationship to look going forward. More public affection? More support? More adventure? Less of anything?

On the off-chance that you are MY wife, I’d suggest buying him a motorcycle. I’m just saying...

written by Hope1, 05 October, 2011

GuyWithInfo,

Thank you for the suggestions. And to clarify; I doubt I am your wife. My husband already owns a motorcycle. He purchased it a few weeks after I told him he should because he deserves it and a few weeks after my son was born. Consequently I have not ridden on it and now probably never will. So its safe to say I am not your wife. But with that thought in mind. My goodness, if you responded with "she is dead to me", then what hope do I have to restore my marriage. I am not seemingly but rather deeply remorseful. I see what is on the line now. I see all that I could lose. And by that I don’t mean tangibles. I lose my best friend!!! I probably already have. I lose the opportunities of a healthy and nurturing environment for our children. Oh my God! If only everyone could take a look at all that is lost before they step into these horrible decisions. I am extremely repentful. And I need guidance. I am on a work trip right now. And I cry every night. And I wake up wanting to throw up. Yesterday he was cold in his response when I said I wanted to hear his voice. We hung up. He called me back and said not to listen to him and that all would be ok. Oh my, even at my worst, and this man is amazing!!! I of course know that he is nurturing me and protecting me because I am broken as he is. And here is he is trying to better my spirits so I can function. Sorry to all men that have gone through this. And yes, I am tearing up right now. Please any other suggestions.

Emprox: thank you for your words. I know its extremely hard to suggest things to me as I am the worst person in this world to any man. Someone here wrote "whore." Wow! I suppose I could be that critical on myself. And I am that critical. So no words here hurt me because I am the worst judge of myself.

written by Emprox, 05 October, 2011

Hope1

My pleasure, I’m glad to be in assistance to here to anyone. Don’t be too hard on yourself, because judging from everything you’re saying, you really, really sound remorseful. Moreover, you did say your husband said that all would be okay. Despite this, I’m not quite sure what you really did. Did you wrong your husband with an affair or something relevant to it? You don’t have to answer it, I was just unsure of your situation.

written by GuyWithInfo, 06 October, 2011

Hope1 –
Emprox is right. You are admitting your mistake and are remorseful. That’s why we’re cheering for you. And if your husband offers some level of support, then that’s a good sign. Long road / good sign. Please update when you get back – I want to hear how it’s progressing.

And I guess this means I don’t get a motorcycle. Sigh.

written by Hope1, 06 October, 2011

GuyWithInfo: Sorry. You are not getting a motorcycle. Would that help your relationship? Joking aside, not just the motorcycle but her leaning in your direction. Her focusing on you? Is she really dead to you? Or only when you get angry? I am really scared that my husband might see me this way and then lose half his life with someone he does not love. I don’t want him to live like that.
Emprox: I cheated on him for what seems to be approx a year. Typing it here brings to light how horrendous it was. There is a story to it that would soften the blow but the fact is I accepted the advances. I tried to stop it many times but again, the truth is I couldn’t stop it and I didn’t turn to my husband for help. It was not all fun. I was always regretting it and trying to stop it. But I was not strong enough. Does that make sense? I have dodged many bullets because they have all been forefront and I could see those coming a mile away. But this started as good intentions and friendly and before I knew it things were off course and I couldn’t stop it. This person was lonely with nothing to lose and was a bit jealous of my life. He also felt I was pulling away and decided to inform my husband. I knew that would happen which is why I couldn’t stop it. Now, do you still think I deserve mercy? I am in love with my husband. I never wavered from that. My cheating was not intended to disrespect my husband but rather a reflection of my weakness. And what is my weakness... that is another sad story.

Thank you both for not being horrible. Like I said, I already know how horrible I am. I am a wonderful person actually. I take care of everything and do it with love. But I faltered here. If only I could have been a nagging wife instead. But no, I faltered in the worst way possible.

Again, any suggestions are welcomed.

written by Emprox, 06 October, 2011

Hope1

Your story just stood out to me big time. In a way, it nearly saddens me to an extent where I feel like crying. I completely understand you and the ‘weakness’ you’re talking about. As for deserving mercy, you, by all means, definitely do! You seem very regretful, and your husband is pretty much saying "Don’t worry, everything is going to be okay". You should be there for him at all time whenever you see him. He may want some solitude since he’s still strident with you. The question that mind boggles is whether this ‘weakness’ of yours is going to continue one day again. I know you love your husband with all your heart, but do you think you may let this ‘weakness’ of yours overwhelm you, and allow yourself to cheat on your husband again?

GuyWithInfo

So, how is your relationship going as of right now? You seem to feel a little bit better. Does your wife apologize here and there, go in your arms to pacify you, cry because she wronged you, etc...? Or is it the contrary? Tell her to buy both a motorcycle AND a Mercedes Benz :].

Once again, It’s my pleasure to help all of you!

written by GuyWithInfo, 07 October, 2011

Hope1 –
I’d suggest you also search some sites using keywords like "surviving infidelity" or "getting over an affair." This thread is under "still angry at wife," so I don’t think you’ll find as many stories about redemption!

And while our stories have similarities, they have important differences. I was willing to move on after the first confrontation, but she did not change after that. We had other confrontations (sometimes unclear on what really was happening), and she only stopped when she made up her own mind to do so. At one point, she told me to "get over it." So I did – I’m over it – and over her.

At the same time, using my incomplete psychology training, I decided that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The rants and blame and constant demands are a handful, to say the least. I see the way she treats the kids when I’m not there to intervene. So I’m staying because I feel the kids would be mentally ruined if I left and we split custody. If she were a responsible parent, I would be gone.

So keep in mind the differences in our situations – yours seems more important to salvage as far as I can tell. It sounds like he is open to that possibility.

Emprox –
I am better than I was because I focus on my kids and my life, and simply view my wife as a handicap I have to manage. It’s impossible to be completely independent of her, though. We have to make decisions about the kids and get some level of assurance that she will not change her mind once I leave the room (she’s big on changing her mind as soon as something else comes along).

So yes, I’m doing better, but have this odd situation that will continue. She does not apologize, etc. Unlike Hope1, my wife has proven to be untrustworthy time after time – and not remorseful. I don’t see any situation where she regains my trust. She occupies my thoughts when I get online to share my story, but the bulk of my life is about my kids and my own personal goals.

Thanks to both of you – I’m getting a lot out of these conversations, and I hope I’m also helping!

written by Emprox, 07 October, 2011

GuyWithInfo

I’m also getting a lot out of these conversations; sometimes it’s just soothing to say what you want with other people, let alone random people online, hear me? I also feel like you prevailed because you’re wife is just a mess right now. After all, She wronged you big time! This being said, you, on the other hand, have never done something as malevolent as she did, so in a way you have a vast amount of reasons to simply be happy with yourself and your beautiful kids. Your wife right now is just an obstacle and a default proxy in your life all because of the kids. What stood out to me was when you said that your wife told you to get over it. Audacious much? After having an affair, she tells YOU at one point to get over it? My friend, now that is just a heartless idiot. Let me just tell you even though she wronged you, you are trumping her in every way! And your wife occupies your thoughts when you gets online to share your story? Haha, what does she say or do? I didn’t even know your wife knew that you went online to share your story! I like everything you’re doing there, keep it up!!

written by Hope1, 10 October, 2011

Emprox: I have searched within myself for the reason(s) of my poor choices. I acknowledge why, where, how, I fell and my failure. I continue to search within myself and am amazed with how vulnerable I was and how easily I let myself go down the wrong path. The intentions were good but they were in the wrong direction. Somewhere down the line I realized that but I was way too far gone to turn around and as I tried the other person wouldn’t let go. No! I will not ever let my "weakness" become spears and actions. It is a conscious effort and I am building up my wall again to guard myself from these things. This one time is enough to destroy my family. It already has to a certain extent. But I am fighting my way back and if my husband accepts me as I am with brokenness but stronger I will do all it takes to gain his respect and trust again.

GuywithInfo: Thank you for sharing. I too am learning so much. I need the guy point of view to help understand my husband a little. Because we are not talking about this still. I respect his needs but I am searching and looking and gathering info to help us through this. I know this is not the best forum because of its title but I have to assume that the title is how he feels about me today. I have searched other sites and found one that is supportive. But I need to see his side to help him someway. I know it sounds like he is supportive but I have to also consider that he is trying to protect me and be strong. Does he really mean that all will be ok or is that something he says to help me through the breakdown I had? I truly believe that men say what they mean and there rarely is any "reading between the lines." This weekend was full of hope. But I still haven’t received a kiss much less anything else. He seems like he has come to a resolution where he has lowered his expectations and adjusted the "game" rules of our marriage. I do fear and almost know for certain that he will go out and find a one nighter or something like it. Anyway, TMI, but again any suggestions to move our hearts closer to each other?

written by Emprox, 10 October, 2011

Hope1

I’m glad things are looking relatively well, despite not receiving a kiss or anything. Why do you fear that your husband for certain may have a one nighter or something like it? What makes you think that?

written by Hope1, 11 October, 2011

In a moment of anger he told me he would have his fun. And funny thing is, as much as it makes me sick to my stomach, I would be okay with that so as long as it helps heal us. Would it?

written by Emprox, 11 October, 2011

Ehh...getting even like that isn’t the exact way to heal a relationship. I mean I understand the fact that you’re actually okay with it, because you know you wronged him profoundly. If he does do it, I’m not sure it’s going to alleviate anything at all, but exacerbate things even more. Let’s say he does have a one nighter; you may be very uncomfortable with it (even though you say your not), and get payback by having yourself a one nighter as well. Thing lead to various things in this obscure world. Having said this, I may stand corrected, as this is my perspective from my own knowledge. Who knows, things may be healed if he does have a one nighter. Honestly, would you 100% be okay with it?

written by GuyWithInfo, 12 October, 2011

Hope1 – Sometimes it can hard to say whether he is on the long road to keeping the relationship going and eventually rebuilding trust, or if he has written it off and is just looking for opportunities to make you miserable. From what you’ve said, it seems there are signs that he is willing to eventually get back to normal.

Check the signs, but don’t get obsessed with looking for signs and reading too much into his words (hard to do). If he says hurtful things or has a "revenge" evening, you can view that as part of the healing process and make sure he knows to make things better.

Keep an eye on yourself, though. If it doesn’t get better, but rather turns more into a verbally abusive sort of relationship, you may decide it’s not worth staying.

For now, I’d say the best thing is to continue to show that you are working to bring things back to normal. Let him see that you are taking steps to keep yourself away from temptation. Invite him to lunch with you, if possible. Make sure you’re not hiding your phone calls or emails. He doesn’t need to audit every conversation you have, but if he feels those things are hidden from him, he’ll assume the worst.

It takes time and persistence. I’ve had friends who started where you are (truly sorry) and made it work. They didn’t convince their spouses right away, but they did convince them eventually.

written by Hope1, 12 October, 2011

Emprox: I agree with you. On the forefront it would only create more chaos. But I am in 110%. And he needs to do what will help him, even if that means straying. And I would be lieing if I were to be thrilled about it. Of course it would pain me but I would look within myself to know that its a domino effect and that I tipped the first chip. No one really knows how they would react until they are faced with it. So I don’t know but I am preparing myself mentally for it. I adore this man with all his greatness and his failures. He is my best friend. I failed him. I owe him the respect he deserves and the acceptance of the outcome that will help him heal.

GuyWithInfo: Thanks for the feedback. Today is all I have. Today I will be the best person I can be and show him that I am truly remorseful and that I am 110% focused on us. I too believe that the signs of recovery are there. I brace myself for the two steps back every time I see one step fwd. Amongst your friends was it the woman that wronged him or the man? I truly believe it plays a huge part in recovery. I am truly sorry for my actions that have caused severe pain. I’m drawing a blank because I don’t know what else to do. There has to be more I can do to show him that I crave him.

written by GuyWithInfo, 14 October, 2011

Hope1 – You asked if my other friends had experienced the woman cheating or the man. The one I am closest to was a man who was cheated on by his wife, and he really wanted the relationship to work. When it was good, it was good; so he wanted it back. It seems to be working. I also know some men who cheated on their wives. Some are still together, some are divorced. But I’d say the dynamics in those cases are quite different.

I did have one other thought. Part of what a man often likes is to have someone who adores him and believes in him. Not a wimpy follower (I guess some guys like that), but just someone who believes that he is good at what he does and can be trusted to do a good job with the things that he is responsible for.

Part of what is lost in an affair is that sense of support and adoration. Something like, "She doesn’t want me as a man. She doesn’t think I can take care of our income. She doesn’t think I take care of the lawn. She doesn’t think I can raise the children." Having an affair certainly casts doubt on whether he is desirable, and then every little action or question starts to call the other matters into play. My wife goes a bit overboard on complaints, but I know that once part of the spousal support is gone, the rest gets called into question.

So my suggestion is to work on building that back up. Don’t give up yourself in the process – he wants you to be good at whatever things you are responsible for. But he wants you to help prop him up in the areas he is responsible for. When around other people, prompt him to tell the story of how he fixed something that was tricky. Have him tell people about a project at work. Don’t get all goofy and transparent about it, but I’d bet you can find a couple situations where you can build him up.

Then you become the one who is helping to elevate him, and not the one who is always sorry for breaking a promise and going with someone who provides something he can’t.

I might copy this for a blog entry along the way...

Emprox – You’re right. I don’t know anyone who has "revenged" their way to happiness. I’m sure there are people who have retaliated and then recovered, but I think it just adds to the issues to work through on the road to recovery. I know I thought about it, but I didn’t go there because that’s not of interest to me. Granted, I appreciate beautiful, fun women, but I don’t want to bring new deception into the relationship. And I NEVER want to try to explain that sort of thing to the kids.

written by Malmaison, 14 October, 2011

I have just began reconciling with my wife who left two months ago after a 22 year marriage. both of our kids left the same week and I was devastated. I have read these posts with some interest and a common theme seems to be that a lot of you harbor significant resentments! I too had resentments against my wife who started seeing an old school friend, though I accept that possibly I had been neglectful of late, lacked commitment and maybe my wife looked elsewhere for comfort. I feel that I must lose the resentment and move on if my marriage is to continue, if not then I should leave it where it is! I have accepted responsibility for my actions and want my marriage to work, so far this seems to be working.

written by Emprox, 15 October, 2011

Malmaison,

I’m grateful that everything is thus far is working out for you. I hope it keeps working, and you continue to have a marvelous life!

GuyWithInfo,

You know I’m glad I’m having this soothing conversation with you and Hope1. I see things in a different way now, and I’m a little more vigilant about things that may occur in the future. Obviously you seem like an honest man, since the cheating stuff doesn’t interest you at all. You’re a good person, face it. This isn’t a compliment to make you feel better, considering I’d gain nothing out of it. I’m just saying it straight up that you are a good person, and you’re wife...really isn’t. No pun intended. It’s good how you don’t want to explain this kind of stuff to your kids; those beautiful kids of yours don’t deserve to hear all that nonsense, no one’s kids do. Keep doing your thing man, may God be with you always!

Hope1,

I hope all is well with you. You’re willing to sustain whatever from your husband to guarantee a solid relationship between you too! You are very regretful and committed to making you and your husband’s relationship’s better by all means necessary. Hec!, masses of women don’t even regret after they cheat on their ideal husband; heavens, some end up never telling, which is very, very, very malevolent. You’re not one of them, you want to pacify everything between you and your husband. We’re here for you to support you all the way!! Keep doing your thing!

written by Hope1, 17 October, 2011

Malmaison: You make a great point. Resentment will hold anyone back.

GuywithInfo and Emprox: First and foremost thank you for your suggestions. I am extremely receptive to all suggestions and hope to gain more from these conversations. Emprox, I did not tell him. He found out through the other. I tried so many times to tell him and I tried so many times to stop the other but the black and white of it is I didn’t. I couldn’t tell him because I didn’t want to tear his world apart. And I couldn’t stop it because the other kept coming back and to an extent scaring me with threats. I couldn’t see straight. Time past and eventually as I grew stronger he grew crazier and informed my husband. None of this excuses me. And now here I am left to pick up the pieces. I don’t know and will never know if my husband will forgive me. God I love him!!! And I can’t tell him.

GuywithInfo: How do you know that the guy that was cheated on is doing ok? Do you guys talk? And how is it he is ok and you are not? Dynamics are different. Prior to all this he thought of me as his world. Now... I can’t even begin to imagine what he thinks. Or I don’t want to know. Do you think men can be genuinely happy with a resentful wife???

Emprox and GuywithInfo: We were off on a road trip this weekend. We had some ups and downs. He is very hurt, angry, to say the least. But with it comes calm and assurance. He asked if I wanted to split up. His voice became very humble when he asked but still he kept his cool. I said no. He said he didn’t either because staying together is what is logical. I expected him to say that staying together is the right thing because at the end of the day he loves me or at the end of the day he sees how we compliment each other. I can only read two things out of this; he is staying because its logical or he just can’t tell me he really does love me. Which is it?

written by Emprox, 17 October, 2011

Hope1,

Well, that’s the question right now. Is he still in love with you, or is he starting to get over you? He is just so sad and very angry right now and in agony. I don’t know which one it is, only he does and it’s your quest for you to find out which one it is. I’m grateful you became stronger as time passed by. The "other", however, did take advantage of the situation. Why did you cheat on him in the first place? Was something on and off between you two, or were you just ‘weak’ as you said, and did it because you couldn’t control yourself?

written by Here We Go again, 17 October, 2011

Well after reading most of the story here, I no longer think that I’m a fool for being in love with a woman who doesn’t give a damn about me.

My story started when I was 17 and she was 14, I got her pregnant and since my upbringing thought me to be responsible I took upon the task of being a responsible husband, father and person after all.

Well in 2009 my wife cheated on me with a person that I thought was a very good friend, so I went crazy moved out of the house left her and went to a different country for 4 months then spent 2 more months in the North East doing all kind of different shit. My life was destroyed at that time.

So one trip back south I went to visit my daughter since I haven’t seen her for 6 months and the sparks came right back up and the love that I have for her spoke louder. So we decided to get back together and since then things (so I thought) was looking pretty good. We had another beautiful daughter and I was a happy husband and father.

This year she wanted to go back to our country for a visit and shit just went to hell, after 3 months being out of the country she comes back only to tell me that she wants to go back without a return ticket and also took my babies.

So she left in September and is due back in a few days, but I no longer feel that she loves me, but I must be the biggest fool in the world cause I just can’t let her go yet. I since have constant thought of killing myself (don’t worry I’m seeing someone about that already) and the dreams of the love of my life being with someone else is always there.

What the hell should I do? I love my wife so fucking much that I’m willing to forgive (not forget) what has gone on, but at the same token I no longer believes that my wife loves me to be faithful to me and forget about going back to a fucked up country where times seems to be stuck in the 1950’s.

Since they are back to come back in a few days I have wonder every second of the day if this is the end of my story with the love of my life or just a huddle that we must overcome in order to become a much stronger family.

I’m so confused about everything that at times I truly believe that I’m going crazy. Why would the woman that I have been so truthful and honest to decided to do this to me? Why can’t she just love me the way that I love her.

I’ve been blessed to be able to afford my family without her having to work, and she is like a pitbull when it comes to treating me, she bosses me around and since I love her so much I really don’t mind, but after this things change.

Since this started to happen at the begging of the summer I have lost everything, house, kids and the love of my life. I have started to drink and due drugs on a regular basis. I don’t believe in drinking to get over my problems but that seems to be the only way to forget the problems for a few seconds of the day.

I hate this, I hate that I have to go thru this problem and I’m not able to make the decision to just leave her and forget about her.

written by Hope1, 18 October, 2011

Emprox: Thanks for asking these important questions. I myself wonder what was I thinking. I wasn’t. I know that seemingly feels like I’m dodging the responsibility, accountability, and failure but be certain that I am not. I will repeatedly state that I am fully accountable and repentful. So on to your questions. That is one tough quest. I don’t know how to go about figuring out if he will continue to be in love with me or if it will fizzle out with time only due to this.

GuywithInfo might enlighten me here. He said his wife is dead to him. Sorry Guy but I keep questioning you on this. Is she dead because of the cheating or because of the aftermath?

On to the difficult question. If there was so much love and everything was great then WHY? Ugh! Why was I soooo stupid??? I drown in that daily. There is no "undo" button and the repercussions of this will sting us throughout this lifetime. So, why? My answer here is going to sound flaky. I am searching within myself to figure this out. Why was I not able to stand up for my marriage? Respect my vows? Respect him for the wonderful man that he is? Why couldn’t I stop it? The question of why is so general. And each story is different but here is my shot at it. I let my guard down. I didn’t see it coming. And once this person was in my personal space it was difficult to build that barrier again. Believe me I tried. I was vulnerable because every girl is flattered by words. It was not an on and off thing. And it was not sexual. It was very innocent at first. Friendly. And he was needy. And most women turn to that because they want to nurture. So I found myself feeling needed. I was trying to be a good person by nurturing this relationship because there was no one else he could turn to. I could go on and on. The point is what seemed to be good intentions were leading in the wrong direction and I never stopped to really check myself. Don’t get me wrong, I knew I was keeping it from my husband. That was the first wrong thing!!!! Never keep things from your spouse. Time kept passing and I couldn’t stop it. The reason I was not able to stop it is because every time I tried he would revert back to friend mode. Then little by little the flattery would come back. And I didn’t stop it.

I sooo want to say, its because my husband wasn’t there for me and because the other person was so persistent. And because this and because that. But the black and white of it is "me." And I could go around in circles saying I was in a vulnerable state, I didn’t see it. Blah!!! Reasons are excuses.

So Emprox and all: Thanks for reading and seeing that the answer to "why" goes far more deeper than you anticipated. There is no one good answer that I can give that you will accept. There is no one good answer that even I will accept. I don’t know what the future holds anymore. I live daily to be a better person and pray to God that he has mercy on me and becomes active in our lives and in our hearts. Sorry for bringing God into this now. I know to all readers it sounds hypocritical. Heck, I know I feel this way when I cry out to Him and ask for his mercy and ask that all the pain that my husband feels is taken and doubled onto me. Its hard to conceive of the idea that it took this to turn me to God. I know, guys, I know. What a hypocrite. Judge me, please do, but also, coach me. I adore this man and... oh my! I am at my wits end.

written by Emprox, 18 October, 2011

Hope1,

I don’t think I was able to take my eyes off your post for a good 10 minutes. I just had to keep reading because it’s so...sad. Why do I feel so bad for your husband? I mean we’re all trying to help you here, but for some reason, assisting your husband is a priority ironically, and I also feel like helping him with some confidence and suggestions. Despite all this, I know you are very resentful and all, but what one thing that bothers is why you were simply flattered by words when you had a husband you truly loved. Are all women like this? Will a man come up to a woman who’s married and flatter her with affectionate words while knowing that she’s married? Even so, will the flattering overwhelm any married woman to the extent where an affair may be triggered? I’m aware that woman in general are flattered when a man compliments them with mere words, but is this the same case with married woman as well, or does it depend? Were you so vulnerable that you couldn’t manipulate yourself? I also want to know; lets say you were the victim here, and your husband was the one talking and laughing with other women here and there. Then if a woman flattered him with trivial words, and if he took them for granted, engaged in an affair with her, and never told you until the woman told you, how would you feel? The feeling of that state in devastating. I probably have no say here since I’ve never been cheated on, but when I do think about it imagining how I would feel if it happened to me, I feel as if someone ripped my heart out of my chest, and the tastes of food aren’t the same anymore. I also know a friend who’s married. His wife, however, is a little off. At parties or anything similar to it, his wife may leave him for a while, and starts talking with other males. He gets extremely jealous, but doesn’t really question her about anything. Her wife laughs and talks to males like she’s having a great time. That’s not the point; the point here is the fact that, at parties, his wife talks to him for a few minutes, and then ignores him at goes to talk to other people (mostly males). I think something may go down. I just felt like sharing this, because I think something immense is going to go down, you never know D: Please forgive me for ranting so much in this post, I’m just so inquisitive and feel like helping others in every way I can.

written by Emprox, 18 October, 2011

Oh GOD!, I wrote the huge post without even editing it!! >___________

written by GuyWithInfo, 19 October, 2011

Hope1 – You asked if it was the affair or aftermath that made my wife dead to me. Clearly the aftermath. Once confronted with the affair, she not only continued for another month, but denied and denied again. I had forgiven her after our first conversation, although was guarded on trusting her. But I soon realized that she would just admit what she had to, apologize and cry – all to get through to the end of the confrontation. After that, she would change absolutely nothing unless it suited her desires.

So call me codependent. I truly believe the kids would suffer if I were not constantly intervening into their arguments with their mother. I wish the affair had happened before we had children. I’ve ended other relationships, and am confident I would have easily walked away from this one.

But that’s why I really believe that if your husband knows you are sorry, that you adore him, and that you are making changes to take you out of the way of temptation, that you have a good chance at reconciling. It will take time, and he may remain suspicious for an even longer time, but that’s to be expected.

And bringing God into it does not bother me in the least.

Emprox – Thanks for your ego-boosting words. I’m no saint. I’ve been in a situation where I was very close to going home with someone, and I know I really wanted to. Fortunately, I’m very good at viewing my situations as a 3rd party, and I made the right choice.

You ask if this is inevitable for women. I think it’s common, because an affair meets some sort of internal desire. Whether it’s nurturing, being nurtured, physical contact, or just winning (Charlie Sheen), an affair can provide that feeling for some period of time. And our culture glorifies it and tells us that everybody does it anyway, so it becomes even harder for people to come up with reasons to do the right thing.

So for your friend’s wife who flirts with other men – from what you describe it could be just an external show, or it could be that you are catching a glimpse of her desires to stray. It’s hard to tell. I wouldn’t say there’s anything significant there to go tell your friend, but my exposure to the situation is very limited, of course.

Here We Go Again – If you are that much in love after seeing that she does not feel the same about you – and seeing that she is willing to manipulate you – I have one suggestion. Look for an online CODA community, and explore the possibility that you are a codependent. Check the symptoms – do they match up? If so, it’s worth looking into a bit further. Just search for CODA or online CODA and you’ll get a couple good sources, all linking back to the original CODA group.

You may decide that your unfailing love is the right thing. Or you may decide that you have some work to do with your own traits that will make you stronger, and the relationship may take a back seat. You are certainly worth the effort, and you deserve to be treated with respect. Check it out.

Emprox – I’m not going to edit my post either. I make no apologies for errors!

written by lia, 19 October, 2011

HI so, I guess I have what feels like a pretty long story to tell. I have been with my still current BF for a lil over 5 years. We have known one another for 6. I met him my first year in college and instantly really liked him. we worked on projects together and I even helped him get into a great college he wanted to attend. I told him i liked him but We decided to just be friends since he was with someone (a much older woman). This actually kind of freaked me out but in the end i decided just being friends was fine since I was just happy to have had the balls to ask out a guy! we would hang out from time to time but then not see one another for a month or so. During this time my mom was sick with cancer and as her condition worsened we got closer and closer. his mom had also died some years ago from cancer so we felt very close in this way. at the time I was just turning 21 and he was 21 going on 22. I didn’t fall for him completely until he told me one day that he told his girlfriend know he like someone else. I thought this meant we were free to start dating but turned out he still hadn’t left the relationship! So while we still remained platonic friends, it was obvious we were both romantically interested in one other. 5 months went by and as my mom got sicker and he was able to be there for me, we became closer. He had a hard time doing it but he left his girlfriend because he knew it was not what he really wanted. Instead of continuing friendship we started seriously dating almost immediately. BIG MISTAKE. Since we were both in vulnerable states I realize now it was just no good for either one of us. my mom died just about 8 months into our relationship and it hit me like i have never been hit before. my BF was there the entire time and even came to stay with us during a few really big scares and literally took care of EVERYTHING. He even stayed in the hospital with my mom while i took care of the house and other responsibilities. My mom was basically my only family so It felt like i lost my whole life when she died. My BF tried everything to console me but after about 5 months he became very overwhelmed after he started college for the first time. we became distant, he became very irate and irritable and the relationship went sour as he became more and more pressured with school and money. He didn’t invite me to meet his friends or do much any more and I became incredibly dependent and wanted him include me in his life. He was not good to me for a year and a half and after his first year in school ended I discovered he had cheated. Once in the very beginning of our relationship with his ex...they fooled around....and the second time much later with someone in school. The girl actually told me about it herself. I guess she was upset because he told her he wanted to stop. It had gone on for apparently a few months. He must have told her just a few days before she called me because he told me how much he really loved me and was so sorry for how wrong he had been treating me a day or two before I got her call. I confronted him and He admitted right away. i felt literally ill when i found out. I was already in a pretty deep depression and this pushed me even further. I started feeling suicidal so I joined a self help group. I had already been getting counseling at school but it wasn’t helping much. I tried to get my BF to join since I knew he had some major lack of confidence issues and family things that he probably needed to work on but he refused. My trust was completely diminished and I felt terrible about myself for a couple years....continued.....

written by lia, 19 October, 2011

My BF apologized but was never willing to talk about it our discuss anything to help me heal. He was still very irritable. The only thing he every really said at the time was that he felt so helpless and angry at how our relationship had turned out and didn’t know how to deal with it all so he had the affair. He would often tell me how helpless he felt in being able to solve any of our problems. We were both pretty depressed to say the least. He really tried to lift my spirits after this and two years he cooked, cleaned, bought gifts every once in a while...even joined self help but I think we were both so damaged we couldn’t REALLY be there for one another anymore. not in the right ways. He still would get upset or mean at times because i was so depressed and sad. It just felt so impossible to lift the heavy dark cloud of losing our moms, his cheating our big terrible fights...After a while I finally started really making a big effort to just work on myself and no longer focus all of my attention on "us" all the time. My BF and I started doing more things together, having more fun with one another, going out...I started to feel more hopeful. Then, one night, we got in a huge argument and decided to take a break a few days later when I refused him any sex I found out the next day he had cheated with someone. I felt something was off the night he didn’t come home and checked our phone records. I discovered a random number he had continually called at odd hours so i called and got a voicemail to a woman I didn’t know and instantly knew what was going on. Turns out I called while they were together. He came home the next day and admitted. He said that since we were broken up he just did it even though he knew it was wrong because how upset he was. I felt awful. we both cried then I finally decided I really just needed to get away. I didn’t come home much for a couple months and was very short with him. At the time I had just started a new job which really helped me to shift my attention. He told me he missed me and was sorry but I didn’t feel good about him anymore. I was confused and hurt so I told him I just wasn’t interested. Through my job I gained a lot of confidence since i was doing so well and had a lot of responsibility. I noticed that as i felt better about myself the less upset i felt about the cheating and the more I could just love myself and his good qualities. I realized that he and I had been in an unhealthy relationship for a while and during or struggles to fix it all had hurt one another in different ways. So i said ok lets just give it 3 months of our best effort and see what happens. So far it’s been great. we have written lists on how to improve our approach to the relationship, have gone out more, I have spent more time being "selfish" and making sure to think about myself and give myself alone time or to do hobbies I enjoy. He has been working on being more open and verbal with his feelings and sharing his life, work, friends and activities he enjoys with me...We are also just trying to be our best as individuals...He told me one night recently when I brought up the cheating that He wanted me to talk about it with him so he could try to help me through it and so we could be strong together and for one another. I can talk with him about feeling jealous or not having trust But i still sometimes get this feeling that it’s all for nothing. We don’t fight much at all anymore, and when we do it’s no longer viscous. Instead, our arguments are just a disagreement or expressions of frustration. But I find myself wanting to be with him forever one day then wanting to dump him the next. I have seen major growth from where we started to where we are now and that is very promising, but sometimes it all just seems soo hard! He has gone back to counseling and I am still involved, but considering Im only 26 and he 27 sometimes, i wonder if we are just being stupid for making all this effort at such a young age......Anyway, I told you this was a long long story. Any thoughts opinions from anyone? Is it stupid to stay and work it all out?

written by Hope1, 19 October, 2011

Emprox: Thank you for slapping me a few times. I sincerely mean and needed that. And, yes, you should feel for my husband. He is an amazing man and does not deserve to feel devastated. As far as his confidence level, he is a good looking guy and knows his value, I pray he will be ok. Now on to the flattery; I am not going into detail here because I don’t want to be lengthy. But as GuywithInfo has stated, everyone is susceptible to this vulnerability. I did not wake up one morning after working hard on our marriage for a few years and having two kiddos and decide, "today is the day to tear it all apart." The emptiness much to my dismay had been building up. I was starving for words. I didn’t know this until someone started feeding me with them. I was starving to be seen as a woman and not just all the other hats. I should have gone to him with this. I didn’t. I disrespected him.

What if he did it? He had some run ins and as far as what he has told me it didn’t go past flirting and dancing. I would have been devastated. But I would have searched for his comfort. Because I would want to feel reassured that he realized it was wrong and that at the end of the day its me he wants to kiss at night and hug in the morning. Ask me a year from now. He is bound to do something that will devastate me to test me. Or atleast he has made it clear he will do what he wants.

What suggestions would you have for him? Leave her? You deserve better? Take the kids and run? She’s a whore?

GuywithInfo: Thank you for jumping in before I did. I was slapped a bit by Emprox and was looking for words to jump in. You had a good explanation that helped me reflect even more. Everyone is susceptible. It only takes a few good pieces of vulnerability, insecurity, starvation of an internal unknown need, and you have cooked up an affair. Thanks for explaining about your relationship. You mean she kept contacting the other and when caught she would apologize all over again? I have made certain that I have no personal contact with this other person. And I have been completely and utterly devoted to my husband. I pray the aftermath is what helps mend our marriage. I wrote my husband a letter. Do you think this is something I should give to him, read to him, or never mention it? I cook warm meals every night. I take care of the house and kids just like I was before. I drove on our weekend road trip this weekend so he could rest. I washed and gassed up his car. I think I am doing all I can to show him with actions that I am here. We talked as well and I told him I was here as however he needed me to be.

These days he battles everything I say. Is that normal? Is it a stage? Or is this how it will be. My reaction is silence and submissiveness.

Back to Emprox: I want to defend myself so badly. But I won’t. Because I want to be judged by my action and not by the factors that drove me to it. Would you suggest he leave me?

written by Hope1, 19 October, 2011

Lia: My condolences for the passing of your mom and his mom. That is very difficult. My dad passed when I was 17. These things shape you and I pray make you stronger. As far as your relationship. He has made poor choices. And it is up to both of you to determine if you will use it to improve your relationship or rotten it. You are both young and with no children. I suggest taking a really hard look at where you both are and mutually deciding where you want to go. If staying together is still desired then work on creating a healthy relationship and stay close at heart with each other.

written by Emprox, 19 October, 2011

Lia,

o____o, that was literally my face after reading your story. Don’t feel like any one on here minds whether your story is long or not because helping you is a vast priority regardless of how long or short your story is. You sound like a very sweet and honest woman. However, your boyfriend just sounds like an immature idiot and also sounds like he’s going to cheat on you every time both of you have issues with each other or whenever things look rocky. Now you said you’ve forgiven him when he admitted it the first few times, and how can you possibly forgive him for doing it again when you two had broken up for a while? Why should he break your heart to the point where depression alters? You didn’t do anything, so he hadn’t a reason to break your heart, either! You sound like a very strong, spirited woman, though. You’re trying to make it work no matter what the situation and how many times he cheated. That’s great, but can you continue to sustain him cheating and hurting you every once in a while? It seems things are looking better for the both of you, but things always look better for a numerous number of couples after a boyfriend/husband or girlfriend/wife cheats and try to reconcile in the best ways possible. It works great until the same one that cheated, cheats again one day later on and apologizes again for doing it, whether it’s admitting or getting caught. Now for your question: Sure, working it all out is a sublime thing. You two should continue to work it out; however, are you 100% sure he’s going to stop the cheating?? That’s the problem here! If he stops that, then you two should be a glorious couple. You keep forgiving him; I have to give you credit though, because if my girlfriend cheated even just once, I would break it off right on the spot. You, on the other hand, kept giving him chances. Do you love him that much? All that’s need to be done is for his cheating to stop! Do you think he can stop that no matter how rocky and vicious your relationship gets once in a while?

written by Emprox, 19 October, 2011

Hope1

If you were an inconsiderate, ignorant, or a careless, impudent fool, then I would suggest your husband to leave, tell him he deserves better, tell him to take the kids and run, and tell him that you’re a whore. News flash! You’re not like that at all! You deeply care about your husband, and want to work things out by all means necessary. Hec, you’re even willing to be judged by other for your actions. This all manifests how much you really care, and you do indeed care a lot. Now what I really wanted to suggest your husband by simply telling him that everything was going to be okay and you shouldn’t worry too much. I know I don’t know you in person, but judging from all your posts and responses, I can tell that you’ve evolved over time and gotten much stronger. Therefore, you won’t cheat again. But, only you know that. Do you think you’re going to cheat him even if you say you aren’t? Will it somehow happen?

Your husband says he may do something such as cheat on you or even flirt with other woman. Even if he does, I really do hope the consequences are relatively lenient, or else things will get out of hand.

written by lia, 19 October, 2011

Hi Emprox, Thanks for your response! and Hope 1 thank you for your kind words as well

So here’s the deal. I guess I’ve realized over the years that his cheating is and never was really my fault. It took me forever to truly understand that. My depression began because of the death of my mom and lack of family and other support aside from my BF. As a result I transferred all my feelings for my mom to him and looked to him to provide all of what I had lost. I don’t at all think that what he did to try and cope with all this was ok. It was terribly wrong, hurtful and yes, very immature. But then again the situation was so severe and we were pretty much still kids. We were so young and to take on a partner and all their feelings / depression losses and needs while going through your own emotional pit falls is a truly hard task! I have experienced being there for a friend (not even a lover) during a sever time in their lives and I must say, If i hadn’t had friends and others around to seek support from and discuss it with i may have gone a bit mad too. I can recognize today that we both became terribly co-dependent towards one another and unfortunately it hurt us both. I think it’s because I can see how lost we both were that no one could take the lead. I wasn’t really able to love him the way he needed anymore and he wasn’t able to love me the way i needed either. That helps me to understand all the mistakes. I will say that I have always wished we had broken up early on and just been friends throughout it or just waited a few years but at the same time, I almost think that had i had no one, things may have ended up really bad for me.

Today, well I kind of like where it’s going. I think what matters most is I can see actual change in the both of us. I’m not only looking for him to grow and evolve, im looking at myself too. I don’t know what will become of us. It feels like if we actually can learn how to love without all the past hurts getting in the way we may actually become an incredibly strong couple. I think that’s what we both are always worried about. It feels like we never really got a chance to actually have a fun normal beginning to our relationship. I remember the first month or two were so much fun and then my mom got incredibly sick. and everything became so scary. it all changed so quickly, neither one of us saw it coming. It almost feels like We couldn’t help but become codependent. It plagued me for years actually that when my mom met him before she passed away, she said he was very nice but that i should give him 5 years. She said he wasn’t quite where i needed him yet. I didn’t listen. Now, literally 5 years later, I see what she meant. I can’t say that we will remain together or not. I just want a chance to figure out how i truly feel about him without everything hanging over my head and effecting my honest feelings. I know things will never be what they were. I just want to keep moving forward. I know for a fact that had my mom not passed, I likely would have broken up with him after a few months and we would have remained friends for a couple years and likely tried again later on. I know this because I remember considering it before my mom’s illness got really bad. I remember feeling that i liked him a lot but that he needed to grow up a bit more. So in a way, i wasn’t with him later on for any other reason than b/c i needed someone, anyone. He knew that and I know that hurt him. Ppl experience loss in all kinds of diff. ways. it’s just a hard part of life. Things happen to all of us that are out of our control and shape our lives and experiences differently. what kept me with him so long was simply fear of being alone. My mom was such wonderful smart, kind and beautiful woman, she was a single mom and my best friend. to lose her literally felt like losing my entire family. There was no one around to talk to or cry to other than my bf. My friends didn’t know how to talk about it and then they all moved away after we graduated college. I don’t have siblings and im not close to my family at all so i was alone at that time. Anyway...to wrap all this up, i guess i go through a lot of ups and downs. im honestly just happy to be experiencing the ups in my life more often than the downs these days. As i said before, who knows what will happen to us. I think if we make it through, we will be all the more wiser, but if not, it’s not the end of the world. I must admit, there is some feeling there that just always makes me feel like we can be be so strong together if we work through our old patterns of behavior and re-stimulations from our pasts that get in the way. in the end of the day, im working on me and what i need though. I feel so proud to have survived all this and that’s the most important thing in the end. I really do appreciate you reading and responding to my post! I was scared to write it all out but im so glad i did. You all made me feel so welcome!

written by lia, 19 October, 2011

o and hope1. im so sorry to hear your dad passed when you were 17. Yes, these things do shape and change you. Thank you for reading and understanding!

written by Emprox, 19 October, 2011

GuyWithInfo,

I believe it’s more or less common for an emotional affair to occur when women are flattered by words. This doesn’t that women should go ahead and sleep with them, let alone when they have a husband they love. Is this something that activates? 0_o, or are they just too naive and sensitive? I understand women doing this when their relationship is just terrible, but doing it when a relationship is solid and ideal thus far? Just saying that gives me the shivers. This same thing I just said goes for guys who cheat as well. Nevertheless, how’s everything going in your relationship going as of today? I’m sure your kids are your hope, your love, and the world to you, but what about your wife? Do you ever say anything that regards everything she’s done, or do you just ignore her like she isn’t even there? To tell you the truth, the way your wife sounds, I’d put a huge smile on my face like the joker if you do ignore her. I mean she seems like she doesn’t care about the relationship between you two.

written by GuyWithInfo, 20 October, 2011

Lia –
Yes, you have been through a lot. And I think the notion of trying to go through it at such a young age has something to do with it. Starting a relationship in the midst of such a traumatic situation (condolences) means that afterwards, the relationship has to be redefined. Going away to school changes your world once again. When your world changes so much, you tend to view the relationship as something from your "old" world.

I know when I got out of college, my younger college girlfriend just suddenly seemed like part of the whole college scene, and I had moved on. I broke it off. She wasn’t perfect, but was very nice, caring, faithful, and all that. She just wasn’t part of my new world.

Now you are a bit older, and doing all the right things. Make sure you take care of yourself – do not be a doormat. If you feel he is also growing up, and you feel you can now trust him, then I think it’s great that you are working through it. Again, don’t be a doormat – you could leave and be just fine. But it sounds like you might be on the cusp of a great success story.

I wish you all kinds of luck.

written by GuyWithInfo, 20 October, 2011

Hope1 & Emprox –
A little more on my situation. Yes, I confronted her multiple times, and received letters from an anonymous source (likely the other guy’s wife). She is very Clinton-eske in denying everything except that which I witnessed myself. She would view it as placing herself in unfortunate situations, like a drunken conversation alone in the woods at 2:00AM that lasted for a couple hours.

I would say, since that was not the first confrontation, that only an idiot would agree that nothing happened during those couple hours. Still, she apologized for the appearance that she gave, even though all she was doing was discussing Bible versus during that time, or something like that. I was looking for a smoking gun as the proof I needed to leave at that time, and never had the conclusive evidence I thought I needed to justify leaving.

At the same time, I took all the other signs and pieced together my own diagnosis that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She’ll scream at friends who do not invite her to a party (held by someone she doesn’t know). She’ll yell at the kids if they do something wrong, saying that it’s wrong because it makes her look bad. She gets in fights with her family because they don’t offer to help her enough. And she complains, rants, and pouts about me for too many ways to count!

And THAT is why I’m here. If she would get the kids to do their homework and not yell at them every day, I would leave because I could trust that the kids are in a semi-healthy environment. But they would not be. If she were physically abuse them, I would pursue custody and leave. But, other than a couple slaps over the years, she is not physically abusive.

So how is our relationship today? I do not trust her one bit. I do not believe her one bit. I do not rely on her commitments to care for the kids (I am always ready to care for the kids if she finds something better to do). And, Emprox, I do ignore her when she stomps around complaining about not getting invitations or people not returning calls or the universe in general. I treat our relationship like a business-relationship. We have to schedule and try to agree on issues dealing with raising the kids. Our conversations are mostly limited to that.

I do make sure to compliment things that she does that are good for the family – meals mostly. I am very careful not to be rude or sarcastic, as I don’t want to become that way and I don’t want the kids to see that. Still, I have to disagree and stand firm, too.

So, am I being an idiot? Your perspectives?

written by Emprox, 20 October, 2011

GuyWithInfo,

You’re not an idiot. All the reason you’ve stated are very much precise. Your reason to stay is correct in my opinion is right, and your reason to leave is also 100% accurate. Your wife is pretty much a bum; it’s like she thinks the whole world really hates her. (sorry for calling her a name, I just had to, forgive me)She’s in her own little planet, man. Too bad she may never wake up. She’s sounds so irresponsible, too. I also would like to know, was she a completely different person when you were dating her before your kids were born? Was she a nice, sweet, person? How did you even fall for her in the first place? Judging from everything your saying now, she sounds malevolently dreadful.

written by GuyWithInfo, 20 October, 2011

Emprox –
When we met, she was charming to get to know. She still is that way, being very engaging with new people. It’s only after people know her for a couple years that they start to see that she has selfish expectations of them, and that they become guilty for things that go wrong.

I would say I went through a series of phases with her. First, infatuation and liking the "getting to know you" phase. Then, there was some stress after we were engaged, but she blamed some things on a past psychotic relationship (HE was the psychotic one, she would explain). Her need to see a psychologist was because of his reactions to their relationship, so she was also playing the victim role. Also, preparation for a wedding explained some stress. Also, we lived in different parts of the country at this time, so that kept things mild.

After getting married, I fell for the notion that certain changes would lead to her happiness, and therefore our happiness. Moving back to her hometown, having a baby, having another baby, work changes, etc. It took a while for me to realize that happy people are happy, and the situation does not create a happy outlook.

You’ve already heard the end of the story. I’m not fooling myself about some miracle that turns things around at this point. I just want to do my best to teach the kids how to be happy. Staying in this relationship seems contrary to the "leading by example" part. But I always said I would give my life to secure my kids well-being. Guess I’m sort of doing that, but trying to define an independent life at the same time.

written by Hope1, 20 October, 2011

Emprox: Wow! I am definitely not all those things you said. But I am pretty hard on myself. So for a second there I was tearing up and nodding "Yes. Yes, that’s me." But its NOT me damn it!! I am not like GuywithInfo’s wife. I am NOT. Sorry Guy. I take full accountability for my actions. And I don’t blame my husband for my stupidity. And I am fully repentful. I did not confess to him but not because I wanted to hide it but rather because I did not want to cause him this pain. I should have thought of that before. I know. But there is no point going back and saying I shoulda, coulda, woulda. The only reason I go back is to determine the "why" and the "how" to make it better now.

Will I ever fall again? Emprox, you asked this before. Is this the "cheater always a cheater" question. It is typically true that to measure someone’s future actions is to look at their past. This is now my past. So... that would conclude that I would. But its different for every person. This has been very hard for us. I can’t bare see him in pain. I am ashamed to look into his eyes. I am remorseful beyond belief. I am awake!! I thank God for waking me. Even this way. I don’t know what the future holds but I will NOT let this happen again. Is it that easy? To say and therefore never again? No. Measures need to be in place. Support group. Change of mindset. Etc. Etc. Etc. I have accepted that I am weak to this particular flattery. That I unconsciously starve for it. I could even extend myself to say that my husband is helping by "tough love." Or at least I hope that is what he is doing. It’s not that I believe I need all this clobbering. But I do. Put me in my place so that I truly feel the impact. But after all that "have mercy on me." I adore my family but I failed them.

What good things could a wife do now to help mend this brokenness. What??? I feel I am doing many things but there must be something more I could do. Maybe its never enough. Maybe its up to him now? I can do all I can but at the end of the day he decides.

There are good nonverbal signs and I rejoice in those!!! But remember I starve for words. More today than ever. Before I was not aware of how much I needed the reassurance. Now I see and I am thirsting for it.

I love him and miss us and I can’t tell him! So I show him with actions.

I need him to hug me and kiss me and break down with me. He knows this. And therefore he won’t. And I admire him for this! Even though I am starving.

written by Hope1, 20 October, 2011

GuywithInfo: You are not an idiot for staying. But you are. Does that make sense? Like Emprox, I wonder, how was she like before? Did you both try to step back and reminisce on the good times? Does she read this site? Does she know the way you feel about her? Do you try to reconnect? How old are your kiddos? Will you leave after they turn of good age?

written by Emprox, 20 October, 2011

Lia,

Of course you should feel welcome. We’re always here to help you out no matter how sad, bad, ugly, etc... your story is. I hope everything continues to work out for you, just be vigilant, and keep an eye out; confirm everything so far is smooth and working.

Hope1,

I’m grateful that you’re a much stronger woman. Let’s say you and your husband are back together like when you two were first married, and one day another man comes up to you and flatters you with the ultimate, affectionate words while you are seeking for attention and words. What will you do? Will be sucked in, or say or do otherwise?

written by Hope1, 21 October, 2011

GuywithInfo: I thought about what I said earlier. You are NOT an idiot. You are a good man. And I pray that all your efforts are compensated by multitudes of blessings. The reason I said you were is because it seems she is not trying. The very first entry of this site is about a man who catches his wife and since then she is overly affectionate but after three years he still can’t forgive her. I ask you, if your wife’s actions were overly affectionate, nurturing, etc, would you feel differently towards her?

written by Hope1, 21 October, 2011

Emprox: I was talking to a close friend yesterday. Poor girl, she is just about done hearing about my sorrows. She asked the same question. If all was great then why? I found myself surprisingly escalated in anger as I tried to explain to her. I am angry at myself because there is no excuse. But I am angry at us because we let it slip. See, we have always been extremely self reliable. For some time now I happily do all errands and things on my own (Simple things, grocery shopping, christmans shopping, errands.) And he did his things that were just as or more important for us. All for us. But not together. Does that make sense? We had a goal, an objective, a dream, and working towards it. But not together.

Now, I am not saying we have to be holding hands 24/7. I would love it! I am not the first (or last woman) to go through this. And its a very minor issue compared to a husband that is careless, irresponsible, etc.

Now I can’t speak for him but my actions say that I lost touch of what was real, important, primary, and priority. He was strong to deal with the busyness and curve balls of life. And I was not.

Unfortunately, I have gone through this. And can only pray that I have built a fortress to guard me from this ever happening again.

The only person that I pray flatters me is my husband. He has never been one to use words of praise constantly. Not his fault but not his strength for how needy I am of it.

Today his actions say that he is here to stay. His verbal reasons hurt but his actions are soothing. I feel overjoyed and saddened all at the same time.

The key is to find out how your partner loves to be loved. Usually we love how we would like to be loved. And most of the time we are off target of how they feel loved. Its only natural to love the way we know how. As of late, I am loving him the way he feels loved. And hopefully one day he will say "I love you."

written by GuyWithInfo, 24 October, 2011

Emprox and Hope1 – thanks again for the support! And I didn’t mind the half yes/half no vote on the "idiot" question, Hope1 – I agree with that!

As it stands, I expect I will leave when the kids are gone. But if she did come around and recognize that she was truly wrong and was sorry, I would be willing to work on it. I don’t need any sort of punishment or compensation (like a motorcycle), but just a commitment to work on her own issues in dealing with other people (kids, me, family, friends).

I have pointed out many specific instances where she is acting selfish or completely misinterpreting people’s actions/words. Her family has even given her materials to try to combat the narcissism. I wonder how she would respond to me just laying out my diagnosis and telling her she needs to deal with it. That would be a fun day, if nothing else!

Meanwhile – Hope1 – I like your thoughts on love languages. I think what you are doing is right on target. Make sure you continue to be a strong person – I’ll bet he loves that about you, too.

And I didn’t mean to guilt you into retracting your "part-idiot" vote with my silence. I had the kids out of town and wasn’t online for a while.

All the best,
(and maybe I really do need that motorcycle – scratch what I said about not needing it)

written by Hope1, 24 October, 2011

GuywithInfo: In the whirlwind of chaos you give me hope. There I times I feel defeated and not certain we can come out of this together. Today has been one of those days. My insecurities drown me to the point that I am not able to breathe. I become so very angry at myself for having failed him. I become emotionally distraught knowing that he is devastated. I pray there is more I can do to mend us.

It’s still too soon to know if we will mend together. He has said, "Give me time." What does this mean? Is it physical space or to not press him for closeness? Or is he reassuring himself and me? I know I should ask him but I don’t want to pressure him for answers. Neither one of us has the answers. He has asked why I now initiate intimacy when I used to reject it. This question has so much depth. And I don’t understand what is really in question. He could also ask why I now cook warm meals nightly and why I now am so very receptive. Why do I read the bible. I don’t have one answer. Why now? Is it wrong for me to answer with "I have woken up from my deception and realize all we could lose. I want to move fwd with hope. I want to refocus on him." Is it too late?

written by Emprox, 25 October, 2011

Hope1,

You can only refocus on him only if he’s willing to refocus with you. Otherwise, it’s not going to be a pretty road up ahead, and you can’t force him to want it all to work out. Right now, he feels like something just took a big bite out of his limb, and he’s trying really hard to see if it can regenerate back. Nevertheless, is he still acting shaky, or is he manifesting some signs to show that all will be well sooner or later?

written by Hope1, 27 October, 2011

Emprox: I can’t answer for him. A friend helped me notice that I am way too focused on remedying this. I want all his pain to go away. I want us. But his words and actions speak differently today. He wants to have no memory of it and move fwd. He does not want conversations about it or my tears. Based on what we have discussed he has built an image of me and accepts it as is. Therefore, he asked me to burn the letter I told him I had written for him. He is in his right to be livid, to conclude that there must be others, to conclude so many things, to say that I am in no position to ask for anything.

I keep telling myself that its too soon. That he needs time. But I also realize that he is a prideful man. Is there something in him that questions what he may have done to contribute to this. I hate asking that because it sounds like I want to excuse myself. Not at all! But is there something in him to feel he played a role?

For instance, him not talking about it and not focusing on us is driving me to come here. Is it my choice to come here? Yes. Is he a factor of it?

Are all these words of anger? Possibly. Is it still too soon to talk

written by lia, 28 October, 2011

Hope1 and guy with info, Thank you both so much for your support! I have heard you both and will stay true to myself and what is right an best for me. I really do appreciate it!

-Lia

written by I hate cheats, 30 October, 2011

All you women who are pretending to regret your digressions make me sick. When a man is good and has the simple need only for love, women tend to not be satisfied and play devious games. Good men always get screwed over. I’m separated at the moment and will go for divorce when I have the funds. I’m going through a phase of having sex with no strings which helps me get by for now and I still get some from my estranged wife but it’s just sex not true love. This is not a healthy situation to be in, but what would be worse is if I sat there brooding like a putz. When I’m slipping into that sad place thinking of my wife’s lies, I just screw a women then let my wife perform oral sex on me lol. All women are liars, you’ve just got to decide which liar is worth putting up with. You guys need to protect yourselves and stand up for your own rights and you women need to just shut the f*** up about feeling so sorry for what you have done. You’re only sorry because you got found out!

written by Pain of a different kind, 30 October, 2011

I feel for every man here. I can tell you I have a story that can possibly trump anything on here. My wife and I have been together for 7 years. Just over a year ago, she finally confessed to me she had screwed her ex-boyfriend in MY car in a parking lot in Las Vegas, NV where we used to live. this happened at least twice, I think there was more times. She lies like a rug on the floor, right to my face, with those big, green, sincere eyes. We moved to New Mexico, and I became immersed in internet porn, to escape from the pain of her cheating and alcoholism and chronic pot smoking, which made her a crazy bitch to be around. She got on a powerful anti-depressant, which really sent her over the edge.. long story short..she ended up getting gang banged IN MY BED while I wasnt home by my own son, (from my first marriage) who was 16 at the time, and my younger, 18 yr old cousin. She also screwed like 3-4 other men that I am sure of. I ended up beating one of them into a bloody mess and cracking his eye-socket, and broke my hand on top of his skull while I was punching him. I was charged with aggravated burglary-the most terrifying time of my life, thinking I might go to prison. The charges were dropped, thanks to God. I know there are other men she has spread for, I know she will never admit it. Out of at least 6 men/boys I know about.. she only confessed about one, the others I had to sniff out like a bloodhound. She is now off the antidepressant and alcohol, and really is a different person, promising never again, she loves me, never again.. etc etc. I am with her because of our 2 1/2 yr old daughter.. and I do still love my wife...but the nightmare pain...it is unreal, every day after day after day.. I cannot get this basically a gang-rape of my wife out of my mind that has happened over a few years. Even though most of them were one man at a time.. they are ALL in my head at once, like watching a gang rape...I forgive her...but I dont know what to do.. because there is no forgetting. I fall into fits of rage, resentment, anger, hate, my relationship with my son is very damaged, I cant believe he would do this to me, my relationship with my only real blood-cousin is pretty much destroyed. I dont want to see him anymore at all. I have to forgive my son and have him in my life..he was just a stupid kid..my nightmare continues....good luck everyone.

written by Hope1, 31 October, 2011

Wow! Sorry to hear about your situation. For me, repentance was there before getting caught. I agree, good men are few and valuable and I am the worst. But I am truly repentful. I know its hard to believe. I do not believe that my husband is weak for staying. He is a stronger man for it. We have two little ones and his decision is of a great man. Your comments do not surprise me because I have thought worse of myself.

written by Jackey, 31 October, 2011

I’ve been living far from my wife for over 4 years now but it’s just few days ago, a guy called me letting me know that he was my wife’s boyfriend for 3 years. So, I figured out that within a year I flew here in the country, she hooked up with someone else out there. The other thing that totally surprised me was she never ever let me feel she had any relationship other than with me. She used to call me daily, pouring her love, jealousy over me and I never ever thought even in my worst nightmare that something like this would strike me. I visited her just 2 years ago and we had great time together, great sex. When I told this to the guy over the phone, he almost literally cried. She put him in the dark for years. So she did to me. I called her enraged and angry and she confessed everything to me and now begging to give her second chance. She told me what she was doing was wrong and broke up with the guy. She also told me that the guy threatened her to tell me everything but never expected he would actually do that. But he did, opened my eyes before it was too late. The reason that guy called me was because he thought I would leave her if I knew the truth. I always took her as an ideal wife but not anymore. In fact, now on I would never ever believe any woman and would never totally believe them. Yeah, life is short, it’s not to spend in sorrow and anger, I know these things and my mind that I’ve spent in spiritual session and meditation helping me show me no adverse effect on this devastating incident that had occurred to me. I could imagine what normal mind would have done, get drunk, get even sleeping with prostitutes and all those other shits he could do to ruin his own self, not me.
But guys, I was really hurt and that was my 10 years relationship, I’m still hurt and I’ve no other choice to give her second chance, I don’t really care if she sleeps with any other men, as long as she loves me. And, now she opened up my sexual scope too. I’m planning to have mutual sex with other women and be still with my wife, love her. Really opened up my sexual horizon. I know it sounds crazy but I was way more loyal to her, and I don’t see any reason to stay loyal anymore.

written by Hope1, 31 October, 2011

Jackey,

Why stay with her? You say you thought she was ideal and now you don’t. So why stay?

written by Tamakun, 31 October, 2011

Once a cheater always a cheater might be true but not in my case I guess. After 19 years of marriage my wife had a three or four days affair while vacationing in Europe. I learned about this from a lady friend and travel partner of our, some years later. In fact it came out of her after a whole afternoon of sex we had enjoyed in a motel room in our hometown. This woman is the wife of a friend and coworker of mine. We have been having this secret affair for two years now. She is in her early forties and, as my wife, she still has a youthful body and attitude. On talking with her about extramarital experiences she admitted that she had cheated my friend with four other men, including myself, but assured me that she was pretty certain that my wife has been faithful to me except for that one occasion in Nize, where the two of them stayed during our holiday in Europe while her husband, my partner and good friend, and I went to London on business for a few days. During our absence, they happened to meet a couple of Italian dudes, 10 or 15 years older than them, and they both fell, seduced by their European charm. In a matter of a few hours and some champagne they both were in these guys respective hotel rooms experiencing, at least my wife, totally new sex action such as cock sucking,anal penetration, pussy licking and any imaginable fucking position. To be honest, on my return from London I had sex many times with my wife and I did not notice any difference in our love making.She has never sucked my penis and I have not even mentioned her any possibility of anal penetration. She has never said a word to me about that adventure. All I know about it has come from her adventure companion and friend at the time and my lover now, who has given me the must delightful sex in my life, she is the sweetest woman I have ever known.

written by Hope1, 01 November, 2011

Tamakun: Would you say you are in love with this lady friend? Or in love with your wife? What would happen if your wife found out about your two year affair? Is it possible to spice up your marriage? Why is it better with your lady friend? Because its new? Is she that great with her husband?

written by Jackey, 01 November, 2011

Hope 1,
because she still madly loves me, the guy told me, I wouldn’t have believed her if she had told this to me. She had this physical desires,she couldn’t control and so she slept with other man. She never had her soul exchanged with the guy. I think she treated him just as an emotional friend. I felt that when I talked to her and the guy , who still wants her so badly but she ditched him like a cat’s shit. I feel sorry for the guy. She thought she could get away with her crime just by breaking someones heart, She realized she was heading towards the wrong direction but it was too late to realize that.
The guy acknowledged how hard(money, property buy on her name etc etc) he tried to get her once he knew about me, because after all these years, she finally told him about me and broke up that way. To avenge that trauma she caused to him, he vowed that he would never allow her to become mine by telling me all her relationships with him. He might have been successful but this woman(don’t want to say ‘my wife’ anymore) for some reason, still wants to be with me, and begging for second chance.
I told her to go with that guy, I wouldn’t be surprised , he loves you so much.. but she told me it’s her big mistake of her life and promised me that she’ll turn everything right which I don’t really care. Moreover, she even is ready to be my second wife, if I incidentally choose to marry new woman. I was so hurt and emotional, all I wanted from that woman was the trust and I wanted her to be my wife but she’s ready to become my mistress. What other choice do I have?
Forgiveness sometimes bring peace in the heart.

I still remember the say ‘“The love you withhold is the pain that you carry lifetime after lifetime.’..
Don’t really want to spend my life that way, rather I choose to live in peace and let them play me, unless it’s way too overboard, I shall disappear from everyone’s life and get new life started. So, what do you think I should do? You think I might get another shock sooner or later?? well I’m prepared for that and she’s ready for the shock from my end as well.

written by Hope1, 01 November, 2011

Jackey,

I believe what broke you was not the affair but the details of it. As you have stated, he is heart broken and wants you to be as well. Why were you apart for four years? And its only been a few days since you found out? I am not condoning what she has done but don’t do anything drastic. Wait for emotions to simmer. How was your relationship before? Why does she say she did it? Do you have children? Were you ever tempted?
She said she will be the other only because she is trying to convey that she will be whatever you need her to be today. She is scared of losing you.

Jackey, I am not suggesting that you stay or feel happy that a cheater wants to stay with you. But I do want you to think of the good times. Is her failure worth leaving her? Could you overcome this catastrophic situation? Do you love her, still?

written by Jackey, 01 November, 2011

Hope1,
Yeah, you are right, it’s catastrophic and I can feel the shock every here and there. I still couldn’t believe why she did it. We had a rock solid relationship, emotional and both physical. Just 2 years back, I visited her and I didn’t feel anything like that at all. She showered me with all her love and care as usual. It’s still unbelievable to me.

I always wanted to have kids and for some reasons she always postponed. The only reason I’m here is because I’m planning to settle down here and she was just a year away from being with me. I still can’t believe, Hope1, at this very time of writing these words.. How could she do it to me? I’m physically well-endowed, emotionally caring and loving guy to her and still she did that behind my back?? I just can’t believe what was going on her mind when she did that.
Every time I ask her why, the only thing I get in the response is the silence, a very moment of silence. If I press further, then she weeps and starts to tell me that was her biggest mistake of her life. I will never be able to understand woman.
Hope1, if there be any technology available to erase certain past memory, I’d be so happy to get that done. But alas, I’ve to endure this my whole life..I will never be able to forget it no matter how hard she tries to make it up.. I’m not sure what lies in the future for me..
really really upset and don’t have answer yet, dunno if this is some fantasy stuff for her, dunno..
I really appreciate your time hope1, communicating me and sharing your feelings..
But one thing I learned, this is life. I’ll try my best to get over of it.
God bless you

written by Hope1, 02 November, 2011

Jackey: From your perspective you had a rock solid relationship. But apparently not from hers. She may not have even known that there were breaks. There are two things here. There was something terribly wrong that she was not aware of or there is really no rhyme or reason. For the first there is hope but for the second; not really. The distance is of great concern. Women need the man to be with her; mind, body, and soul. You were not physically there. Sorry, we are complicated individuals. And that is no excuse. Men should not have to be perfect for this not to happen. But it does happen. And you won’t see it because women tend to live by the moment. It’s not hiding; and I can’t explain it but we live in the moment for the most part. Not an excuse. I don’t understand the year away from being with you but ok. Guys first thought is to measure their endowment. Its not that. Trust me. She does not know why either. If she is truly regretful she is searching as well to figure out why. Tears are not a defense mechanism its a failure in our genes. Don’t feel she is putting on a show. Tears are hard to control. I wish I had that technology. I too would erase so much. You will not forget. Its up to you to decide if you stay or if you go. But you will not forget.

written by Curiousbot, 02 November, 2011

@Hope1 How were you caught? Did you deny it initially?

written by Mediate, 03 November, 2011

GuyWithInfo,

It has been three years since you posted your question. Any development in your relationship with your wife? Have you decided to leave or stay with her?

written by Jackey, 03 November, 2011

Hope1,
I’ll stay with her only to let her taste the same bitterness in the future. I know she still loves me and may be like you said she’s not trying to put on a show. But, I want her to feel what I’ve gone through. May be she won’t feel the way I felt, she must have something in her mind that I’ll carry out things to even out. But, I’ll take my time and unexpectedly accomplish something and want her to feel the same way I did. I contemplated and I’m seeing this as my way to do thing.
I’m sorry, all this time, I thought you were a guy with same bad fate as mine but you turned out to be an anti-male sexist.
She is a woman, may be more emotional than man, but she couldn’t pass the ‘litmus test’ of my trust and love during those years. You are telling me the same vague ideas and confusing me even further. Now, I ‘m hopeless to get any answer from her when I meet her in person that why she did it at first place.. she may not know the answer as you said..

yeah.. I’ll stay with her, but with a purpose.. I turned down couple of girls for her during those teenage years and this is what she gives me back, this is what I get for being so loyal up until now? not anymore like I wrote before. I want to see if she can handle me with another woman.

and thanks for words.

written by Hope1, 03 November, 2011

Jackey: Define "anti-male sexism." Not certain what that means. I tried google but couldn’t find a good definition. And, sorry, I am not a guy. And didn’t mean to confuse you. I was not trying to be one sided on this issue. Let me be clear "I’m at fault." I do not look towards my husband for fault. The black and white of it is "it was me." I could go into details but it doesn’t matter.

Now, why would you want her to feel your pain? Do you think after the "eye for an eye" rule you will be satisfied? Will you be able to deal with the guilt of it? Will you be able to look at her and not be ashamed? Remember this is now a choice that will affect you too and not just her. I say all this because I am living with the guilt and shame. It is so heavy and crushing that I literally feel my chest compress and hurt. I know my pain does not nearly compare to my husband’s pain. But its there and it is detrimental.
Again, sorry for confusing you. And be certain that I place no fault on my husband. He did not deserve this. And I will move past all his choices that branch from this in hope that it helps him as it seems you think it will help you. But be aware of the aftermath. I am living it.

written by Hope1, 03 November, 2011

Curiousbot: The other person sent a message to my husband. And denial is the first line of defense for me. I have been in denial this whole time thinking I could handle it, I could stop it. But I was not strong enough. So when faced with the message I denied it for a day. Then came and confessed. I wake up every morning into this nightmare. I am broken. And need no one to pity me. But I do need someone to take a step back and realize that we are all susceptible to this horrible choice. I pray that others that are at this fork in the road come across this message and truly realize, awaken from the deception, and be strong enough to tell someone that will help them brake the chain.

written by GuyWithInfo, 03 November, 2011

Mediate – My initial post was 3 years ago? That means I’m getting old, and it took about 2 years for me to decide to stop worrying about bringing her around and just focusing on myself. 2 years of resentment, and 2 years of the opportunity for her actually realize, confess, and change. I hope that Hope1 will be in a good spot in 2 years based on her resolve.

To answer your question – I am still with my wife. I have decided that she exhibits signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, often blowing up to family and friends that they aren’t meeting her needs. I feel the children are protected when I can divert her arguments with them. After the children are gone, I’m not sure if I’ll stay. That’s a decade away. Meanwhile, I refocused on my happiness. I do not need to stay at her level of happiness, and am doing quite well. I’m extremely healthy right now, and very confident solely because of my internal resolve. I do what I want to do instead of waiting for her agreement/argument.

On the negative side, I don’t have a healthy marital relationship, which would be a nice piece of the pie to have. I can’t help but to spend time trying to figure out how to make her a nicer person, but realize it’s all for naught. C’est la vie.

Jackey – I understand the pain and the sentiment of "I put in all that effort and am repaid with THIS?" You have the choice to stay with her or leave, but if you are staying with her for revenge/resentment, it won’t make you any happier. If she has not repeated her pattern of cheating, it’s possible she could learn what went wrong and stop it, but only if the two of you work on it together. Sounds like she’s willing – you could see a therapist (expensive), take a class at a church (if right for you), or go through a program offered in a book. So decide what is right for you. If she’s part of that, then see if she’s onboard with what needs to happen. If so, fix it with her. If not, move on.

Sorry for all the "if"’s there, Jackey. That seems to be a result of this sort of situation!

Hope1 – How’s it going? Getting any signs that he’ll want to work on the relationship, or still that he’s just sticking around? If he’s game for working on it, why not try a class or book of some sort to strengthen the relationship. If he’s not, try something like "The Five Love Languages" or even "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus," or something specifically tailored to help keep you from temptation (not sure what to suggest). If he’s not interested in participating, let him know you’re working on it and willing to talk about it, but don’t force it on him.

written by Emprox, 03 November, 2011

Hope1,

What do you mean you weren’t strong enough to deny it? I believe it’s the contrary, and it makes you very strong for confessing. Why even deny it? Cheating is one thing; however, denying it after getting caught cheating is taking it to another level. This, from my perspective, makes that person a self-centered, malevolent tard.

written by Hope1, 04 November, 2011

GuywithInfo: He is still at home and wearing his wedding ring. We have casual conversations and we are taking a road trip. But we have not had any more deep discussions because he does not want to. And any convo that involves "us" is quickly dismissed. He is doing what he wants and not involving me. I am not insulted by this as I know this is all the effects of my actions. So I take it. And I take this and I take that. And how much more? All of it so as long as I can continue to tell myself "I deserve this treatment." Its only been three months. But I am hungry for him. I dream of him and crave him. I continue to put my 110% in. And I will continue to be his wife the best way that I can until he decides he doesn’t want me to be. I pray that day never comes but I also do not want him to be quietly miserable. As much as it hurts to accept it; I would prefer to see him happy if with someone else. But I want him with me!!!! And will do all I can before phasing into the other option.

written by Hope1, 04 November, 2011

Emprox: I agree with you. I am so hard on myself. As well I should be. You seem to be very curious about this situation. What is yours?

written by Hope1, 04 November, 2011

Tamakun: Your situation has consumed me. I don’t understand the "love triangle." Why do you feel this lady friend is the sweetest thing. She is cheating on her husband. Has done so four times. Your wife cheated once. And the only reason you know of it is because your lady friend felt it necessary to tell you? Why? To get you more focused on her? To get you to justify your actions with her? Because she was jealous of the feelings you had for your wife? This makes no sense. I am not condoning your wife’s behavior for that one time weakness. But I wonder how sweet of a lady this lady friend really is. You say they were on a trip together. Has it dawned on you that she is envious of your wife and was a primary reason why your wife strayed. Could she have been feeding the exciting stories to your wife that made your wife think the grass was greener on the other side? Could she have pushed your wife over to the other side? And how do you know the details of it? You said they were in different rooms? Do you know the details of what your sweet lady friend did in her other affairs. Does her husband? Sorry, just wondering how brain washed you are. I am willing to bet your wife is just as sweet and wonderful and that you are deceiving yourself in this honeymoon of two years. Real life brings on challenges. The locked room takes you to the deceitfulness of fantasy world.

written by nta, 04 November, 2011

The phrase that keeps cropping up is "once a cheater always a cheater". Those words are so true.
Women (and men) who cheat are like addicts,they live for that thrill for so many reasons – such as needing constant attention,needing the illicit stimuli,needing the thrill of being almost caught – all of the reasons are more important in their psyche to them than the need for true love,and many of the reasons are so deeply ingrained in their subconscious that it takes great self effort for a serial cheater to change their ways.
For my story,I met my second ex-wife when I was in the process of divorcing my first wife (the first wife and I married too young,and didn’t really love each other,but we are still friends). The second ex-wife (I’ll just call her the ex) told me she was in the same position,at the tail end of the divorce process.
I was living in Europe,and she was living in the USA,and we had a long distance relationship, traveling to spend 3 months at a time with each other for a few years,with me supporting her each week by sending her most of my wages.In that time I ended up learning that whilst she was separated and lived completely apart she hadn’t even started her divorce from her first husband in fact she was still sleeping with him.
After much anguish and heartbreak and her stories of spousal abuse,I decided I trusted her,and kept seeing her on the condition that she divorced him.Nothing changed.Eventually her first husband started the divorce of her,then dropped it and she finally divorced him. We got married,all was fine,a stable family life together,but then she started spending more and more time away from our home and life together. One time I called her family when she was meant to be there,and it turned out she hadn’t visited them in a long while.I started to quiz her on this stuff,and each time she would turn the tables on the conversation,twisting it around so that I thought that I was going crazy and that it was all in my head and a misunderstanding.To cut a long story short I found out in the end that she was cheating on me,I even met the guy that she was cheating on me with – although I didn’t know it when I had first met him. I found out for sure when I came home early from work one Easter Sunday I left in the end, although I didn’t want to,I wanted to work things out, since I was still in love with her.I agreed to move out on the promise of separating for a few and seeing if we could repair this marriage. In the separation she never once tried to initiate contact me unless she wanted something. Each time it was me initiating the contact. After all I missed her and I still loved her. She would deliberately try to mess with my head,once she asked me to come round and help her move, I came around, parked my van in the parking lot,and what do you know – her boyfriend was already there,helping her move. She’d deliberately set it up so that there would be some confrontation. I just left. Then I found out from my colleagues who knew her colleagues at the GCR Tire Center head office where she worked that she was telling everyone she worked with that the whole marriage had been a sham, nothing could have been further from the truth,and it was obvious she was out to paint herself in the prettiest light possible,making herself seem the martyr to her friends and colleagues. In the end, she started the divorce, I agreed, I wanted to stay married,to work it out, to find the woman I fell in love with again.From signing the divorce papers for about four years I had no contact with her,despite missing her each and every day,then I rediscovered one of my old email accounts,with her email address there,and I couldn’t help but email her,just to talk to her again would be like heaven.I emailed,she replied,short one sentence emails "how are you" "what are you doing nowadays". Then dammit, I did the worst thing I could do to myself,I told her that I still missed her. There was no reply.Even after 4 years,the pain is still there, I still find it hard to concentrate on anything since everything reminds me of her. That pain never goes away,and a woman who cheats will cheat again,so save yourself some trouble, if the girl you are seeing cheated before, just walk away from her before you fall in love with her,because sooner or later she will cheat on you.

written by Emprox, 05 November, 2011

Hope1,

I don’t really have a situation here. Let’s just say I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, detest cheaters...(no offense)although it’s never happened to me. I just want to see other people’s experiences on here.

written by Past Hurt, 06 November, 2011

If you have no kids or if they are older then you should walk man. My wife cheated on me and we have two girls and its over in everything but us living together. I stay for my girls but I do not trust her or want to be with her anymore. She is Thai and making no effort to try and make things better. Same bed but may as well be mars in the distance that is between us. We do not talk or speak more then a few words and god forbid we even touch. I am pretty well numb to it all and I am just treading water looking for an excuse or the nearest exit to bail of this marriage that has flat lined 2 1/2 years ago when she when off to find her self leaving my our two daughters. She has not chanced and your wife sounds like she is doing the same. Run if you can other wise settle your account and move on it would be best for you mentally my friend.

written by Hope1, 07 November, 2011

Emprox: I really, really, detest them too. I detest myself even more! The act is disgusting and the impact is crippling. But here I am. All I have left is my testimony to hopefully stop someone from destroying the good. Thing is I know many that cheated and were never caught. How certain are you that you have not been cheated on? There is more out there than is discovered.

written by Hope1, 07 November, 2011

PastHurt: If she had made an effort, if she were truly remorseful and shown that she was remorseful and really tried to make it work, would you? How can you be looking for an excuse to leave. You have it already. But you stay for your girls. What other excuse would be stronger? Are you waiting for her to make the decision? What do you mean about finding herself 2 1/2 years ago. Did you try to make it work at first?

written by Hope1, 07 November, 2011

nta: The facts at the beginning of your story are so true. The end is also. My sincere empathy for what you endured. Sounds like you tried. If she would have tried would you have stayed? There seems to be many men here that say I tried after and she didn’t. If the woman is truly repentful, awakens from the deception, and turns towards you, would you give it a true try? Could you continue to love her?

written by Emprox, 07 November, 2011

Hope1,

Wow! Do you really know other people that cheated and were never caught? Are they your friends, relatives, co workers, or something? Basically, they cheated and are still staying with their girlfriend/boyfriend or wife/husband like nothing ever happened? I have another question; if the other guy you cheated with never told your husband that you cheated with him, would you have ever confessed to your husband at all that you’ve cheated? Would you have just attempted to erase that hideous past when you did cheat, never even tell your husband, and move on with him? Or do you think you would still be cheating with that same guy today? And I assure you I have never been cheated on. My relationships were never profoundly serious to an extent where I was going to marry her. I’m not even seeing a woman currently, so no one can cheat on me. Just imaging someone cheat just disgusts the hell out of me...

written by GuyWithInfo, 07 November, 2011

nta – Sounds like you know it is clearly over. She did her best to paint the picture, and there’s nothing you can do about that. Any thoughts of revenge or resentment only hurt you. The best thing is to focus on what makes you be the person you want to be, and that will also attract another woman down the line. Harder to do than it is to say, but it’s the way to go.

PastHurt – Your situation sounds similar to mine. I’m here for the kids, and feel they are benefiting from my staying more so than they would if I left. Do you have a date you would plan to leave? Like when the kids leave the house? Will your wife be surprised, thinking that the marriage was strained but fine? Or does she know how you feel?

I must admit that I don’t like my answer to that one. When we’ve argued in the past about my wife’s infidelity, I’ve expressed my feelings. She has told me to get over it. So I’m over it – I’m over any feelings toward her. But with arguments like that, and silence afterward, I’ll bet she’s decided that the matter is closed. That’s how her mind thinks – the world is revolving around her unless she is hearing otherwise at that instant.

Then again, I don’t really care if she is surprised. I can’t spend too much time trying to make her listen when I already know she won’t.

Oh well, back to focusing on my kids and my own happiness.

written by Jackey, 07 November, 2011

nta, I’m sorry to read what went through in your life. If I were you I would get another partner in no time or at least try to get that. Why would you wait on the cheater? She treated you so bad, made you a golden goose sucking all the resources from you and how evil of her that she’s making you look like limbo and she’s trying to be nice in front of others with her fake stories. Try to send her pictures of you with your new girlfriend. Go and do it brother, before it’s too late, life is not to be wasted like that. Don’t be a miserable, out of 7 billions people there must be someone nice waiting for you.

Hope1, awful lot of feelings of yours is compelling me to think about my wife and it quite resembles a lot, I don’t know in your case, if you are trying hard to work with him but I’m being treated very well, all the behavioral change and very prompt at whatever I ask to her. I’m in this confusion mode at the moment, but now I’m more agitated and throwing tons of questions and she without any temper, co-operating with me and showing lot of respects. She wasn’t like that at all before, always been argumentative, may she was trying hard to cover lie after lie. Has she really changed? Has she really realized what she did? I"m not sure yet but yeah, I’m gonna show her the mirror, and I’m not moving away from my intentions. What is going on in your mind, do you still feel like cheating , Hope1?

written by Hope1, 07 November, 2011

Emprox: I do know people women and men that have and they were never found out. Most reqret it and are extremely grateful for their relationship. They know they do not deserve the current relationship so they work extra hard to compensate. But there are the others that don’t. As for me, I don’t know if I ever would have confessed. I tried to break it off constantly but was not able to because the other person would not let go. So I tried different ways. The best way would have been to confess. But I did not want to burden him with the pain. It is catastrophic and life altering. Trust me you would not want to know.

written by Hope1, 07 November, 2011

Jackey: I am 110% devoted to redeeming myself and gaining his love and respect. Will it come soon? No. But I will work every minute that I have until he tells me to stop. I, for one, am not pretending. I was deceived. I was blinded. And now, awake to see the reality of it. It is an ugly mess that I created. And I pray that we are able to get through this. I deserve all the critisism and anguish that he feels. I do not deserve to be forgiven. But I beg for it with all my heart. I know I will also see the mirror. But I will accept it because it was my wrong doing that created this mess. Then after, I hope we can move fwd.
No, I do not feel like cheating. I didn’t feel like cheating then either. But I have learned about myself. If he accepts me I will be faithful to the end. There is such a thing as learning a hard lesson. And I have. I adore this man and I can’t see life without him. But I have to face the reality. If he decides this is too much to bare then I will humbly agree and let him find someone that will make him happy. Because I want him to be happy and not enslaved by this nightmare. But I pray that his choice of leaving is the last resort.

written by Jackey, 07 November, 2011

Hope1, you shocked me like an electric eel, you are now sounding almost like my wife. If you are true to your heart and everything you said is true, I feel good. Really good. Just stick to it, your husband will eventually be with you. You have a remorse for your action, and that’s the reason I’m sticking with her. You really shook me up.

I’ll write later, when I get out of this strange feelings I’m having at this very time of writing these words.

see ya

written by KYMYKAT, 08 November, 2011

WHAT GOES AROUND-COMES AROUND-USUALLY

written by KYMYKAT, 08 November, 2011

HOPE1- what happens when you are doing all this hard work, and you really feel that God has given you two something special and you two are together going to separate counseling & working up to together counseling and you learn (he didn’t tell me on his own and wouldn’t have come clean either if I hadnt caught him) that this husband you adore and love so much has been having an affair with your cousin via face book chats and telephone (he swears nothing physical but I don’t believe it from chats I read) for the last year? I WAS SHOCKED & double betrayed! would you forgive him for pulling that shit now?????? just wondering as I felt same as you. but then was faced with this slap in the face like i deserved it.

written by Hope1, 08 November, 2011

KYMYKAT – To clarify; did you cheat on him first? Then you worked on it and later you find out he’s texting with your cousin? How was life before this whole mess? I can only empathize with the pain you must be feeling. Honestly, I don’t know how I will react. There will be tears and anguish. The sad truth is this is a domino effect that is catastrophic. If you cheated on him he probably feels he has rights to do as he pleases. And I will go on the edge here to say that he is probably right. But if he truly loves you he should turn away from that deception and turn towards you. Is he doing it out of spite or is he really connecting? I don’t have an answer for you. But as for me; I stick to what I have said and like you said I am fully aware that it will come back to me. It will be a bitter sweet moment. I will react at first with all the emotions I can find.

But then after that cools off I will see. And hug him tightly.

Guys and girls; I know we all resort to anger and resentment when something like this hits you. I fully agree! You should be!! Be angry. Be livid!!! But for your own good; at some point, when you know its time, you need to forgive somehow. Forgiveness is not for the weak. It takes a strong man/woman to really look within themselves and resolve it to gain peace. I don’t mean you need to stay. I mean you need to release that tension. Not for them but for you.

I will say this; my husband is a wonderful man. I wronged him. And if and when the day comes when he cheats I will be torn like he was. And he will be torn like I am. Life is a journey; we share each others pains and glories. I plan to somehow hold his hand as he ventures into his journey.

written by Hope1, 08 November, 2011

Jackey: Sorry to have shocked you. Was it a good shock? Funny how I sound like other men’s wives. This goes much deeper than funny. Could it be possible that women were yanked from middle school one day and wired to say the same things to cover up and continue being deceitful. Or is it more likely that we are being truthful now and thus the similarities? This is more my curiosity that something that requires an answer.
Jackey, our situations are different but true love is the same. Unfortunately, some of us, like me, do not know how to protect it. I didn’t protect it. I disrespected my husband and our life. I was weak! The word itself is weak to what I was. I was not malevolent and deceitful... I was weak and stupid... blinded. But I can see why the offended will tag me as malevolent and deceitful. And that’s ok because I think that of myself at times too. Sometimes that is necessary to justify the anger and hurt. But when I dig deep down I find myself tearing up every afternoon in my car when I am alone. I tear up from the heart and tears of remorse pour down my face. I had never felt that pain. So, who am I trying to convince when I am alone and tearing up this way. No one. Its me, in deep remorse. Has anyone here felt remorse this deep?

written by Emprox, 08 November, 2011

Hope1,

Was your affair an emotional affair, or did you reach a certain point where the guy had intercourse with you numerous times? Forgive me if this is too personal.

written by Jackey, 08 November, 2011

Hope1, that was a shock I can’t describe in words. I would be in total shock if someday I see myself walking near by me. That’s kind of shock I got when I read your words. I’m a firm believer of quantum mechanics and it’s aspects, so, it seemed to me, some of us share exact same fate laid upon us. whatever happens, happens for a reason. now here I’m trying to explain you why I felt so strange yesterday, there was lot going in my mind , you see what I mean?
I came to learn about that bitter truth which’d stricken me a week ago, then searching upon online, I ended up here on this page reading/expressing my feelings. Doing so, I felt better and then whom I was sharing my words turned out to be a female with exact karmic situation of my wife. I was thinking you as a man of my similar fate and sharing my feelings but that was a shocker when I learned you were not.

There is a meaning me having this conversation with you, Hope1. That’s at least, how I think at this moment. It’s definitely telling me that I should give than woman another chance, real one.. and I’m slightly deviating from my intention, feels like it’s not worth..

I’ll keep you posted.
be cheerful, he’ll be back with you. just keep working towards your goal to get him back, no matter what. we do get changed after a while but I think it takes time. just give some time.. not days could be years..

written by Hope1, 09 November, 2011

Emprox: It was emotional. Would it make a difference? It is just as heartbreaking.

written by Hope1, 09 November, 2011

Jackey: Could be years. Yes. I have researched and talked and found couples going through same thing and it does take years. Did you mean you would give your wife another chance? You struck through "my" why? And giving her another chance means giving 110% of you again. Are you in or out? Half of you or her will only make both of you miserable.

Yesterday I came to a realization. I miss the "him factor" in my life. I crave and yearn for it. Last night I took care of all that was needed and went to bed. I heard him get home and in the morning I noticed he did not touch the dinner I prepared. I deserve this treatment. But I pray its tough love and not him falling out of love.

Being cheerful is hard to do these days. I do because I have to for our children. But when I am alone the emotions take over and I struggle to breathe. Anyone else reading this is probably hissing, "you should have thought of that before." Yes, I should have. And I did but you have to walk in these shoes to realize how this deception takes hold and won’t let you see straight.

written by Emprox, 09 November, 2011

Hope1,

Your right, not much of a difference, but at least you didn’t go overboard and actually have intercourse. Nonetheless, you wronged him either way, and your desire currently is to cherish your husband in the best way possible. How is it thus far?

written by Jackey, 09 November, 2011

Hope1, I don’t know about other men to say the thing least, but I’m spiritual, and these tantrums that we show and love that we withhold is just being human. I try to get over of it as quick as possible. And, to my experience I’m good at it. Some men, say one of my far relative, was betrayed once upon a time and he never ever got married or say hooked up with any other woman. I still see him as a bachelor till this date(20-25 years). So, some men take and feel the pain for life, but there are also some men who think life is not to be wasted in pain and misery for long.umm like me. I don’t know about your man, what’s going in his mind but yeah, that pain and shock indeed is indefinable and may be having it every day. Every morning, I still think and hope it was a dream, bad dream.. every morning I think how could she be under some men’s arm, every morning I think how did she not think of me when she was having him in?... these questions eat me a lot and am slowly training my mind to get over of it.
I specifically told her, that she needs to change in a lot many ways.. I told her I don’t want you , the old one. I’m gonna treat you as a new partner , other than that I don’t have a choice. Man marries ex-wives, I’m shaping my mind that way. She cried.. but at least, she agreed.
So, Hope1, yeah.. I’ll have to give 100% at some point, there is nothing like 110% technically , that’s beyond the scope..and superficial. Yeah, I’ll try to give her my whole, not half and half.
Be positive and don’t let your guilt eat you, acceptance is the key. Just wait and watch.
And hey, give it a shot to meditation if that makes any sense to you... There is a youtube for beginners how to get going??

written by Hope1, 09 November, 2011

Emprox: Its not looking good. We are not talking much. Between work and his choice to not come home until the kids are in bed there is no time to talk. I pray that with time we will be able to sort through this. But I know its hard on him and he may choose to end our marriage. I continue to be 110% focused on him from afar until he decides what needs to happen.

written by Hope1, 09 November, 2011

Jackey: Your response amazes me. It sounds like you are going to give your relationship a second chance. And you are shaking this off and moving on. Good for you two. And pray that it works out for you. As for me, its out of my hands. I chose to stay and now its his decision. We move forward but how? 100% or superficial. Don’t know. But as the days go by it gets harder for me. I do come down on myself quite harshly and honestly I don’t deserve him. But we are binded by our children and family, history, etc. If we weren’t binded by children he would have made the rash decision and left. There is lots at stake here. Its not as easy to get up and go. OK so I hold on to hope. Pray that he pieces the puzzle together and one day hugs me and genuinely feels me as part of him.

written by Hope1, 09 November, 2011

Jackey: More to your comment. "Tantrums and withholding love" That is interesting. I tend to agree that there is more to life than this. But I am certain there are many injured soldiers out there that would deeply hate this philosophy. I pray my husband is one to know that there is a time to grieve and a time to let go. I just hope he doesn’t let go of me. I can relate the nightmare. I wake up every morning and instantly feel the need to throw up. Instantly wake to reality and hoping it was a nightmare. But here we are. You on one end and I on the other. Which is more bearable. I don’t think there is a comparison. Both are crucial and painful in their own way. The offender is shunned, ashamed, and remorseful, and broken. The offended is pitied, broken, and shattered.

written by Damian, 10 November, 2011

My life has been hell ever since I got married to my wife. It all started while I was away at work in another town six months before our marriage. One day I logged into her email account only to see mails from another guy telling her he arrived back home safely and would be back to see her in Thailand soon. I called her and she said it was just one of her patients at the hospital and there was nothing serious. I got off work to travel to Bangkok on her birthday a few weeks later ( I travel back every Friday and stay till Monday morning , only for her to wake up, got dressed and told me she was going to get a gift from her colleague at work. She was gone until almost mid night; I’d lost my pay for the day for nothing, but I didn’t suspect anything. One month after we got married, I noticed she changed. She always called me before I did, and I didn’t know it was so I wouldn’t call while she was with someone else. One weekend when I came home she picked a quarrel with me, so she’d be free to go out. I called all day and all night she didn’t answer only for her to come home at five in the morning to tell me she was coming from her boyfriend. We broke off and when the guy dumped her after two weeks, she came back begging. I forgave her and didn’t know that she’d perfected her act since her mother came to live with us after our daughter was born. I moved out of the house twice within six months of the baby being born because of calls she was taking even after mid night but kept coming back because I wanted to take care of my daughter.

I traveled back home two years ago and she was supposed to wait for me at the airport. When I arrived, I called her, but she wasn’t there, she couldn’t even speak, it was as if I caught her in the middle of something. A few months later, I bought a car in her name, that was when all hell broke lose. From February last year to February this year, I caught her and we broke up and made up because of the baby three times. I’ve been living alone since February and started going to see my daughter two months ago. Because my daughter was in a very bad shape, I started stocking their apartment with food. She’s staying with a guy now, and two days ago I decided to give her the car to do as she see fit since its in her name and I’ve been paying the lease without recognition. She rang me up this morning to say I should promise her that I’ll accept her whenever she came back to me. I love her and I love my daughter even more, and wants to give her a good life. I just can’t move on with my life because of the taught of missing out on my daughter’s upbringing.

written by Damian, 10 November, 2011

@Hope1:

If my wife can truly turn away from her ways, I’m more than ready to forgive her.

written by Jackey, 11 November, 2011

Hope1, what other choices do you have at the moment? Let the time fly by.. everything will be okay. And don’t think too much.. whatever has to be done has been done, there is no meaning in suffering from within. Just be committed pouring your love to your husband when the time is right but you must show the love from your behavior. No matter what just stay mute and don’t bring up any arguments when you guys exchange words, I know you told me that you guys don’t communicate much. Let him feel that you really miss his hug, and old him. Just don’t hide when he comes. Try to do things around that you guys did together so memorable. Eventually, every wound gets healed. Only the scar will be left and that should be the mark to keep reminding you of your mistake which you committed not to do again. Positivity has to be instilled inside you.
If you ask me, I still love her, I was mad before but now she’s doing some of the things which is calming me down. She has literally become slave of my words.. I don’t want her to be like that but eventually, I’ll give her my 100% and free her from all doubts and clouds of tension. Right now, I’m not showing her that but I know I still love her, I still pray for her. When I feel it’s the time, I’ll start loving her the way before. Doing so, I’d have to listen to words from my family members and relatives. They are so against this relation to go any forward. But, I’m ready to fight all these once again, even if it’s not worth but only for her, because I still love my baby who lost her way and crying tears and trying to convince me. I’m one stoneheart acting like a one but I’m broken from inside. I need time, she needs time.. we need time, we are human, it’s emotions, can’t do much. Just be hopeful.

Damian, you are being a dad, not a husband. She is just using you and she treats you only as a resource while she’s having her way of fun. period. You seem good hearted person. You deserve more better person but you are really worried about the mother of your kid. What else can you do? I would not suggest you to do this and that as I don’t understand what’s going on there but it seems you have tolerated her for years. I also doubt if she has some mental issues, in medical term such behavior has been coined as borderline personality disorder. Just saying, could be..nothing serious. Go and google your away

written by GuyWithInfo, 11 November, 2011

Damian –
In my case, I never was quite sure exactly what was happening with the affair(s). It took me a few months to get the situation in my grasp, and by then it had stopped after multiple confrontations. So I have stayed, and am pretty confident that the affairs are in the past (although the personality issues continue).

In your case, it seems there is no doubt about her affairs, and she has proven that she will beg forgiveness and then do it again. You should fully expect that she will continue to have affairs. There is nothing forcing her to grow up, so she won’t.

As for your daughter, I feel for you. I’m not sure what laws you are under, but it would be worth checking to see if you could get full custody. If she is living with boyfriends and you can prove that, that may be enough to gain full custody. At one point, I hoped to come home and find my wife with another man in our house with the kids in the same house – that way I could gain full custody and leave.

Now I couldn’t care less what she does. I just have to pay attention to what she’s doing so I can see what she’s going to screw up next.

But I digress. You need to get out. See a lawyer first and see if you can get custody. And if you decide you can’t, then I wish you the best. My best advice there would be to set firm rules for the relationship, so that she has the choice whether to honor it or leave – not just abuse you and then come back later.

Good Luck!

written by Damian, 11 November, 2011

@GuyWithInfo:

Thanks for the tip. I have thought about getting a lawyer to help me gain full custody, but my daughter keeps insisting that she wants to be with her grandmother. Last week was the same. She was asked to stay with me for a few days while her grandmother travels to the village, but she declined.

I really don’t know what to do, and I don’t want to abandon her anymore because I saw what happened to her when I stayed away for a while. They can’t really take care of her and she needs me but doesn’t want to stay away from her mother and grandmother.

They planted fear into her by telling her if she goes to leave with me, I’d run away with her to my country and she won’t see them again.

written by Hope1, 11 November, 2011

Damian: I adore that you said you would forgive her. But much to my detriment and without much more info here I have to agree with GuyWithInfo and and Damian. There seems to be too much going on and like GuyWithInfo says, there doesn’t seem to be true repentance. So many factors to contribute a solid suggestion here. But I will say that you need to practice tough love here to build yours and her character. I believe that is what I am going through. I am overjoyed when men say they will stay because there are so few. There seems to be more women that stay and truly say they love their husbands regardless of what happened. Anyway, again, I am overjoyed to hear men break through the anger and truly state what they feel for the woman. There is no right answer but hopefully just genuine answers.

How you approach the genuineness with your wife is another thing. Jackey is practicing tough love and I pray he reaps the best from that. Damian is not.

I am headed on a journey and pray that I have good comments when I return.

written by Jacques189, 12 November, 2011

My wife of 5 yrs was the love of my life. She got pregnant right after we were married and our son is 4 now. I make a lot of money, we live in a mansion and she has everything she wants. We used to have great fun together. After the baby, her boobs sagged and I bought her a breast job so she would feel better. I’ve always been super attracted to her.
About 3 years ago she started drinking A LOT. Then she got into prescription drugs that she got over the Internet. She ran up a $13,000 credit card on clothes which I paid off, she said she would pay me back but I didnt care when she didn’t.
She continued to drink, do RX drugs illegally and has ran up a $40,000 credit card bill.
NOW, I catch her red handed in an affair with an old boyfriend!!!! He is fat, old looking and so poor she has to pay for the hotel rooms, dinners and flights for him to meet him!!
She’s agreed to a divorce, gone to AA, HASN’T HAD A DRINK IN 2 weeks, and says she will do anything to keep me. I’m getting an townhouse for her and told her we’ll see how it goes and if she’s a changed woman from now on maybe we can just live together with our son.
Am I a fool to give her a chance at being together??????
Please respond thumbs down if I am or thumbs up if I should give her a chance...
PLEASE RESPOND, IM SO CONFUSED!!!!

written by Jackey, 12 November, 2011

I would believe a thief but would never ever believe a drug user.

written by Sal97, 13 November, 2011

I just like the rest of the comments here have been cheated on. I also found out my wife was talking to somebody for a few weeks but was enjoying his compliments for months. I am a good father and provider I am going to school and taking care of all the bills. I found out she was cheating when she kept telling me get my stuff and leave because I would be angry with her for not helping out around the house. So I confronted her and she let me know only part of the situation. A month passed by when she told me the rest. She explained it was never physical and they only talked and sent two pictures about sex. We have gone to get professional help but it only helps out for a few days then it goes back to crap. I admitted that I my faults and she doesn’t seem angry with what I have said or done but it never lead to a affair. I am still angry after four months and am finding it more difficult to let go because of all the problems I have had with her before the affair. It seem like this was the last straw but I continue to try for our kids and my faith that God hates divorce. I know I have pride issues but I hate the fact of what she did because this was so out of character for her. I hate this whole situation but I hate myself for not being able to let go either. I want to go but I am afraid of the effects to my children. I am angry because I don’t know what to do I try to make it work but then I just get angry again and want to leave because of all the years of our life being crap and then you add her affair.

written by Damian, 13 November, 2011

@Hope1:

I agree with both of you. When I forgave her last November, I went on the offensive through the three months the relationship lasted before she started sleeping around again. One condition of that forgiveness was that she quit working as a nurse because it was just the avenue through which she does her thing. She promised to quit in December, but when I asked her in January when she was quitting, she ignored me. Her schedule was always night shift 75% of her working days monthly. All the times we broke up were when I decided to check on her at work. She was never there with her friends ( colleagues ) making up flimsy excuses on her behalf.

I don’t see how we’ll make up again because she’s staying with another guy and hasn’t showed any signs of leaving him. She had an operation two days ago and I promised to visit her at the hospital today, but when I called to tell her I was on the way, she said she was discharged first thing this morning. We talked about me visiting her at about 11 P.M.

Imagine not knowing your wife was on multiple dating sites and on facebook, only to find out from one of her boyfriends last year February.

It’s frustrating, but I think I’ll have to stay away until my daughter grows up and becomes sensible.

written by bill123, 13 November, 2011

I am going through the amazing pain as many of you here are. It has been a couple of months since I found out about my wife’s 2 year affair wit hmy next door neighbor. They spent months in an emotional affair, to have it escalate to regular sex and dates, even to my favorite restaurant. They had sex in my home once I am told, I told her to have the couch out of my house, and she did get rid of it.

We are seeing a couples therapist, I want this to work, I really do. She ended the affair a few months before I found out about it, I am fairly sure this is true. How do I stop being depressed and angry, how do I move forward and learn to trust her and not feel so much anger?

Help me I am in hell...

written by Emprox, 14 November, 2011

bill123,

How did you find out about the affair? I mean, do you love her soo much that you think she may never, ever cheat again once she sustains couples therapy? Why did cheat in the first place? What did you do wrong?

written by GuyWithInfo, 17 November, 2011

bill123 –
I would just say to focus on yourself. Make sure you are living your own purpose in life, and doing the things you need to do to make yourself happy. Don’t hinge your hopes on a wife who has cheated.

That being said, there is hope, especially if she is remorseful. Sounds like she has a desire to make it work, since you are in therapy. So I would look to your therapist for how to heal the relationship, but you can only be happy in a relationship if you are happy with yourself. So make sure you focus on what you need to do to make yourself happy. If she’s not interested in the "you" that is being happy, then leave.

Sacrificing your happiness to be with her will not make you happy.

Hey – I like that. I’m going to change my name to Yogi Berra!

written by random45, 23 November, 2011

@hope1 I don’t think an emotional affair is that big of a deal. I honestly think ur husband is being way too touchy about it. I think all of u who have been so hard on this women need to lighten up! If it had gotten to the point where u were lying about where u were and who u were with and were sleeping with this man than I would say I could see it. But all this over what imo is nothing more than a friendship that got carried away seems extreme. Have been cheated on I do no how it feels since my wifes brother died 5 years ago its has been tough she has cheated on me with 6 different men and it hurts every time the only reason I have not left her yet is because I truly think somethings broken and she is trying to fill the whole her brother left. We are on our last leg and I told her if it doesn’t end now I am filing for divorce. And she like you hope 1to thought it would make her feel better about what she had done if she let me cheat and she eve n went as far as to try to hook me up with one of her friends and I did and it only made things much worse because then she proceeded to be so hurt that she had another affair as her way to get even it becomes a vicious cycle and not worth it reading ur story made me feel very sad because that is exactly what I did to my wife and I regret it it only makes life harder. U r either all in or all out. I just texted my wife out of the blue to tell her I loved her and that she means the world to me. I don’t know what will happen next I will divorce if it happens again but I can at least say I didn’t drive her to it she needs help and has been in and out of therapy since her brothers death and I don’t want to walk out on her her when she needs me the most. U don’t give upon someone u love unless u have no other choice.

written by random45, 23 November, 2011

@ hope1
Basically what I was trying to say, but did so very poorly, is that u had an emotional affair because u were missing something in ur marriage but u were smart enough to stop it before it became a full blown affair and in my humble opinion that makes all the difference in the world. If my wife only had an emotional affair I would hold it against her I would ask her. What it is she needed that I wasn’t doing for her and try to do that. Now im not saying what u did was right but it is far from the worst thing u could do to some one just read some of these other posts hell look at mine most ppl would say im an idiot for sticking around after all that but yet here i am and am putting more effort into fixing what in the end maybe unfixable then ur husband has put in to solve a problem that’s easily fixable. Hang in there its only been I think u said 3 months or so it will get better.

written by random45, 23 November, 2011

* I would not hold it against her. I need to proof read better lol

written by random45, 24 November, 2011

* I would not hold it against her. I need to proof read better lol

written by Hope1, 26 November, 2011

It’s been four months and only getting worse. He believes in "an eye for an eye" and now seems like it’s not just about that but rather he said he simply doesn’t care. I have tipped over the first chip and i have unleashed his anger and pain. He will do as he wants and I know he has already stepped over and will continue to act single. It’s my fault guys. I take full accountability for what has already happened and what is coming. I can only speak for myself. I am broken and holding his hand while he goes through his own hard lesson. He is a wonderful man that did not deserve to be disrespected. I did not protect our love. I failed.

Right now I sit quietly, listening to the sound of the wind as it hits the trees. What a beautiful day. Tonight he is going out and I don’t know where or what time he will be home. But its not the first time and he has already done the harm. So its ok. I am not in shock anymore. I am at peace with myself. By actions its seems he made his choice of how to deal with this. He will do what and who and how he wants. And if i cant resist it then it’s over. So it seems the ball is back on my court. Decide; stay or go? There is no question what I will do. But wonder what you think? And for those applauding him for his choice. I don’t blame you. This is the best way he knows how to deal with it today.
But I have to agree with random45. Random45 is a strong man that stands for his marriage. Faces the trials and tribulations face forward. And what brought me to tears is that he comforts her and tells her he loves her. I personally know i dont deserve comfort and affirmations but i sooo hunger for it from him. Thank you Random45 for being there for her. Tell her about me and the many other women that are deeply remorseful and tell her i said she is blessed to have you There is a limit to how much someone can take. It’s up to you o decide when enough is enough. For some of us the fuse is much shorter.

written by Hope1, 26 November, 2011

Emprox, GuywithInfo, Damian, Jackey, Random45, and all,
I wronged him first. Now he has. Details are different but we have both disrespected each other. How much does "You did it first." weigh on the choices we both have made?

This is certainly not tit for tat but I wonder if this will now be the way of life until one of us holds so much resentment that there is no room for understanding, forgiveness, and love.

written by Jackey, 27 November, 2011

random45, real men are scarce but not hard to find, there you are bro. it takes a heart of mountain for a man to make decision like yours. but you know what, you are in the same boat, you had sex with her friend and now you are even. she pimped you on other woman bro. you don’t have any morals to say anything against your wife. if you love her, stick with her. let her estrogen fade with time, all her sexual desires will be gone by then and you’ll have good moment at the end of the life. and together can keep cussing each other you did this , you did that like I hear all the time when I hear mumblings of our great grandpa/ma. it’s funny. you know what I mean? anyway, better luck with your relation.

Hope1,
I’m sorry for whatever is happening with you at this very moment, yeah. definitely he must be hanging out with other woman. he is broken, not all men are spiritually awakened except few. Some still withhold the love to share and keep burning himself in pain without knowing what he is doing is totally worthless. look at us, who are we. we exist only to turn into ashes someday. what worth is for all this pain and suffering?
I still am hurt but like I said before, I already past recovery, feeling lot better and support from her as well. The only thing good happened is now she doesn’t argue with me any more. Before, she was combative. Now even my firm tone makes her silent not that I like it but it seems she’s paying me lot respect since I know the truth. Many times, I tell her that I don’t believe her anymore, her silence and calm response just makes me think differently. I come from socially bound family where even a slight move I make, it’s like a wildfire. She has brought me shame, and in order to tackle the situation, I’m planning to settle down far away from my family but that’s not what I want but if I’ve to, I’m decided on it. But still, I’m waiting what life has for me. My friends and relatives are look women for me, I just can’t think about it. The years that I spent on that woman to build the relationship,memories.. It keep;s following me.. but yeah, long story short, not all men are same. know the truth. your husband must be up to something. I wish he turn your way someday. sorry dear, just hope for the best.
ciao

written by Hope1, 27 November, 2011

Jackey: thanks. He is definitely not turned towards me. But as I’ve said before, the blame is on me. I do pray that one day he turns towards me and that it comes in good time where there is still the window of opportunity to make it work. All I have is today to make each day count as if it were the last one.

Isn’t that what we are all called to do? Make each day count as if it were our last.

I’m learning so much about myself in this journey. And pray that at the end of each day I gain a sliver of what I’ve lost.

written by GuyWithInfo, 28 November, 2011

Hope1 –
Well, it’s hard to say what’s next. It all depends on what he’s like and what he’s going for. Does he want divorce, but he won’t do it himself? Then this is just passive-aggressive behavior until you file for it. Does he just want to get even? Then he has, and he might be ready to try to get over it. Or is he waiting for you to express the same hurt he felt? Then the fact that you are ready to forgive creates a new barrier in that he has to realize that he is behaving in a hurtful way.

So, I can’t say what’s next, but if you are there are willing to work on it, I think that’s you best chance. If he is on a path for separation/divorce, then it is inevitable. And if you give him a little time to realize where your relationship is now, he will have to decide to either come work on it or continue to tear it apart. He deserves some time to assess the situation, but then it is time to make decisions.

My take? At some point, your real, logical assessment of the relationship has to be used to make decisions. I did this, and realized that the love I was tied to was a one-way street. I’ve redirected my love toward kids and family (who were getting less love because of a manipulative wife). Give your relationship a chance, but don’t let months of struggle turn into years of wasted time. I wish you the best of outcomes.

Random45 –
You’re right – sounds like something is broken. I commend you for having the fortitude to try to stick it out and help. If you can be there to make it better, you will be a hero.

But you are also right to draw a line and define when you will get out. You can try to help fix things, but if this continues, you are just pouring your soul and love and not getting any consideration in return. If you get to that point, expect her to cry and beg. But the fact is, when you get to that point, you have given her all the chances you are willing to give. Crying and begging is a natural reaction and a last ditch effort to hold on to you as a crutch. It does not mean the relationship will change one bit (despite promises to the contrary).

It sounds like you really want to make it work, so I wish you the best. As for her hooking you up to cheat, it’s all in the past. You’ll have to deal with cheating from both of you if you move forward, but neither of you should try to stand as the moral one over the other. Even if you didn’t do a thing, trying to be the moral one is a flawed relationship. You are both people with flaws and temptations, and you should stand on equal ground and work on the relationship. (you didn’t say you felt like the moral one, but I read something that made me wonder if that’s a temptation)

Stay strong.

written by Hope1, 28 November, 2011

GuywithInfo: Thanks for your thoughts. I am came to a realization that only he can answer my doubts. But I also came to a realization that I don’t know if I can trust his words. He said he hates me for what I did. That I am a good person with many qualities that are hard to find but I messed up. And that mess up is heavily weighted in his eyes. He does not deny that he is out there. He said as far as he is concerned he is doing me a favor by staying. And he said this could all end if I want to. But then he says to keep the baby’s clothes. He comments on the future and future trips. He comments on future changes to the house. He says he wants the family but today he does not want to dedicate any time to me or us. And doesn’t know when he will. These are all his words. I woke up this morning wondering about the passive-aggressive. The pushing me to the breaking point. Wondering if he has decided to choose to break me.

I don’t know. Right now I am tired. And I don’t want to think of this anymore. I don’t want my mind to wonder off into where he might be or with who. Its obvious it already is happening. So why dig to find out details.

My challenge now is how to separate. Turn my attention to the children. How can I take what I feel for him and store it in a little box for now? And then hopefully after he awakens from the deception I was in I can open up the box and nurture those feelings. Does this make any sense. This reminds me of a children’s song, "If I had a little box, I’d put my husband in, I’d take him out and *kiss*kiss*kiss* and put put him back again."

Anyway, I have let this consume me. And I have to STOP. I can sincerely say that I am Awake, receptive, and silent. And extremely remorseful, ashamed, devastated. Every morning I wake up to nausea.

I am a new person that will be the very best she can every day and let the chips fall where they may.

written by random45, 28 November, 2011

@jackey,
we actually don’t fight very often we get along pretty well and seem to have a lot of fun with each other. I have my days that get mad and depressed about what’s gone on but I usually fake my way through it and hope tomorrows a better day I refuse to be that couple that resents each other so much we sleep in separate rooms and avoid each other at all costs if it comes to that I will just walk there are other women in this world but if things keep progressing the way they have been I think we will find our way through this. I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel its faint but there.
@hope1
I am sorry you are going through this you seem like a very sweet women who had a small lapse in judgement. You can’t continue to let this just fester whether he likes it or not you need to sit down and talk to him. What I suggest you do is if you have kids get a baby sitter and go out for dinner and a few drinks and you need to tell him his behavior is unacceptable that you know you have made mistakes and that you are truly sorry and that you wish he would forgive you but that u have needs. Tell him exactly what you need from him to make this marriage work then ask him what he needs. If doesn’t want anything from you then you just keep doing what you have but set your limits know when you have had enough everyone deserves to be happy just cuz you made one mistake doesn’t mean you should be miserable the rest of your life don’t allow it to get to the point were your self esteem has been so crushed that you feel worthless that is very unhealthy. You both have to forgive and move on for it to work. I wish u the best of luck. But don’t suffer I silence.

written by random45, 28 November, 2011

*in silence

written by random45, 28 November, 2011

@ guy with info
I don’t claim to be the moral one or a man without a fault or even a great husband I have made mistakes but feel that I have paid for them and am just trying to move on from them and make sure that I can be happy and hope that its with her but we will see what happens. If it did come down to filing for divorce I doubt she would beg or cry for me to stay but after wards. Is when I think she will come to regret it. It maybe months or years later but I think if we end up getting divorced at some point she would come back to me with hopes of getting back together and that’s when she would probably cry. I truly hope it never gets to that point because by then it’ll be to late. But as I said at the beginning I don’t feel I am morally superior or without fault in this train wreck i am just getting to the end of my rope. I didn’t mention in the first post but 3 months after her brother died her cousin was killed while fighting in iraq and 2 years after that her grand mother had allergic reaction while having a dr’s exam done and died in his office so the women has been through hell the last few years and I really hope and believe that we can make it through to see a brighter future.

written by Hope1, 28 November, 2011

Random45: Thanks for the support. He is a wonderful man that did not deserve my disrespect. I am tired. And I am letting him go. No more checking, nagging, etc. He has been very clear that he does not want to spend time with me. He does not want to talk. He has checked out... temporarily I hope. I adore this man. But I did wrong him. And I sincerely feel I deserve the fiery he is releasing. I do understand that I will have to decide when enough is enough. Today he may have had lunch with a girl, tonight he may go out for drinks. I will be still and struggled with ways to lock away the love I have for him. And wait patiently for him to turn towards me one day.

written by Hope1, 28 November, 2011

Lock the love I have for him so I can protect it from the resentment that will build. But funny thing is every action he has taken so far only saddens me and reminds me that I did it. Still no resentment. I pray for unconditional love to support him through the pain I have caused.

written by GuyWithInfo, 29 November, 2011

Random45 –
I agree – I don’t see anything that you are doing that makes you seem like you are playing the role of the moral person. I think that’s just a temptation that I had when I read your story, hearing your dedication and her transgressions. My own temptation – so I commented on it. I certainly commend your dedication and understand your desire to help when she has suffered so much. Defining lines is still important, and I wish you the best.

written by random45, 29 November, 2011

Thanx for the support I have been overly paranoid lately, ex: this morning I talked to her on my way to work and she said her txt msging wasn’t working and asked if mine was and my first thought was who are u txting one of your "friends" I didn’t say anything she told me she tried to txt me earlier and could not get it to send but the thought was still there, and this has been a good outlet for me I have never told anyone everything that has gone on in the last few years most people know we have had problems, I’ve had trouble hiding the depression sometimes but have gotten better at it, but no one knows any of the details or what the problems have been. I have kept it to myself for the most part because if we make it through I don’t want people (friends, family) to treat her poorly or differently because of this which is a natural reaction to someone who hurts someone you care about. And if we don’t make it through she is still the mother of my children and I would not want them to ever over hear there mother being bad mouthed because someone thought that they were out of the room they don’t need to be exposed to that. I know the paranoia will end one day she is doing the right things she doesn’t go out any more (her decision) she doesn’t keep her phone on her at all times or hide it, she even used to take it to bed with her, she calls all the time 4-5 x a day) and is usually in a pretty good mood. A lot of it come because I just found out that 2 of the guys she was cheating with were her friends from work I can’t ask her to quit her job finding a new one would be damn near impossible and we can barely pay the bills now and im working 2 jobs. So I have to trust her but not be naive at the same time its a fine line that can easily go from being aware to paranoid. So thanx I have felt a lot better about myself since putting it out there and getting it off my chest.

written by random45, 29 November, 2011

@ hope1
keep your head up and hold on to the happy fond memories of the how things were before this mess and the hope that u will return to that someday it’ll help u get through the day. Remember you deserve to be happy to u may not feel like you do right now but you do every one makes mistakes. You will be happy one day one way or another. So smile and try not to let it consume you. =)

written by random45, 29 November, 2011

*the mess not ur smile by all means let ur smile consume u if u can =)

written by Hope1, 29 November, 2011

Random45,

Thank you. Unfortunately it has consumed me. Every second of the day. I know he is out there. And it only saddens me. That’s it. No hatred or resentment. Because I caused this chain reaction. I try to keep busy with other things but its nearly impossible. I only pray that he is safe and comes back home to me once he feels redeemed? I don’t know. He says he simply doesn’t care so I can’t say he is doing this temporarily. I can’t speak for him. But I worry what he is thinking about me. Just like you I know he must wonder if something is going on. So I also try to place my phone at his hands reach. And try to tell him where I am. But he doesn’t want to hear it. I am pretty much a genie and his request is my command. He does not want to be around me. So no calls, and no trying to get together. I am standing still and letting God work. It almost feels like I have given up. But that is very contrary to what I am intending here. I want to love unconditionally. That means I stand back and respect his wishes. Right? Not press on topics or try to create excuses to meet.

*Sigh* Don’t know. I just feel in my heart that I am doing the right thing. Because this is no longer about me but about him. Respecting his wishes. Loving him this way seems right. But fear he may think I don’t care. I am sad all day and can barely eat. This too is my very few outlets for the same reason. If we make it I don’t want anyone asking questions or wondering things. And if we don’t I still want there to be a great relationship between family because our children will need that support.

written by random45, 30 November, 2011

@hope1
Doing nothing and letting god work doesn’t work!!if you do nothing he will think you don’t care or are up to something neither of which is good. You have to be proactive you have to do something. You have to show him you care. He doesn’t want to talk to you or anything I get it this is what I think you should do call him any ways maybe once a day keep it short and light hearted tell him a joke or something funny or interesting that happened to u then just say goodbye and hangup if u keep it short and hangup right away after uve said what you need to it prevents the uncomfortable silence or the chance of him fighting with u. DONOT call him and say I just wanted to say hi or I love u that’s not what he wants to hear from you and will probably aggravate him. If he doesn’t answer just leave him a voice mail. When u do see him give him a hug and kiss hello then give him his space the whole point is to continue to show him u care and want to make the marriage work and as he gets to be more receptive to ur advances u go a little further but take it slow give him some space but don’t leave him alone completely and one more thing don’t nag or be bitter ar talk about any of the problems u guys are having that will just drive you further apart right now. The opportunity to sit down and try to talk reasonably about it has passed right now just work on establishing some good will and try to find away to start enjoying each others company after things are going well u can then address the things that happened. Even if u don’t want to try this try something anything but nothing.

written by Hope1, 30 November, 2011

Random45, I do understand and am receptive to your suggestions. But we haven’t kissed since day one of this nightmare. Last few times I tried he moved his face. It has been five months. We have had a few good times but now not even that because the last times I felt I was doing all the work and I felt disgusted with myself. I felt cheap and degraded. And now he’s out there. Now what? Is it possible he is disgusted by me? Lost all love for me? Has he checked out? Is he just waiting for me to ask for mercy? Once he tries others that will be much more exciting for him and I will seem like such a bore. Guys? What is your take? I joined this page because of the title. I wanted to hear straight forward bluntness from men that have suffered. Maybe I was even looking for some harsh words to hurt me. Don’t know. But go figure. I see many here that are rethinking their position and then you who is standing for his marriage. Seems like I touch so many here but I can’t get across to him. Makes sense because he is the offended. we are both still young I guess and good looking people. He knows he is. So it’s not hard for him to find girls. He has said he doesn’t care and he’s doing me a favor for staying. I don’t read hope anywhere in those words. But he has always been a man of harsh words. So here the thing; I know men need to act strong and non- caring with the wife that hurt them in the worst way possible. But do men fall out of love because of the cheating or the aftermath? If your wife were truly repented and acted in ways to show you repentance; would you stay? Who knows of a man that has stayed and is truly happy now? Do you crave to love her and hug her the way you used to?

Random, I adore this man. I hate myself for having hurt him this way. I want to respect his wishes. I’ve seen the look of disgust when I stick around too long. I’ve felt his body stiffen when I hug him. So I stopped those things because I don’t want him to become bitter. Instead I act in other ways to show him I’m here. I leave warm dinner out for him, I say nothing negative, as of late I don’t bring up the topic. I am acceptive of his recent outings. I don’t question his whereabouts. I offered a few threesomes in the future after we close this chapter. *we’ve one those before.

He said I am a good person and have many qualities that are hard to find but I messed up. And that mess up weighs heavily for him. And he said; you knew that.

written by random45, 01 December, 2011

@hope1
to be honest yes u can fall out of love because of cheating. Its something I deal fight with daily. But at least for me what has and still is the blatant bold face lying as much if not more that has pushed me to the point I am at right now. 2 years ago after my wifes grand mother died and things started to spiral out of control after 8 months of just trying to be there I knew she was having an affair even though she never admitted it she stopped talking to and see the other guy and it seemed to me that she was starting come back around she was telling me she loved me every day unprompted and was more affectionate or sex life was still suffering but she said that she just needed time. So I was patient in septmeber I got an email from some guy I didn’t know saying he had been sleeping with my wife while I was at work and that he wasn’t the only one that he had gotten into her email and found there were 4 others he then he forwarded me all the emails she had been sending to these other guys and to him and there was some stuff in all of them that had indisputable proof that these weren’t fake she had sent them. He said since she wasnt seeing him any more wanted me to know what kind of women I was married to. I called several divorce lawyers and did all the the financial calculations and figured out how much a divorce would cost and that I couldn’t afford it til march. I then researched the other guys in the email and found out who they were and confronted my wife she had said they were fake and that her other "friends"I had gotten them to apparently the guy sent them to everyone she had emailed so everyone would know about each other and even when confronted with the evidence in the emails she denied it. Since I can’t afford a divorce til march I decided put one last effort into trying to make it work i told her that i know she is lying that no she couldn’t be friends with any of them any more because they weren’t just friends if I found out she was talking to or seeing any of them I was filing for divorce. as of right now when i am with her do enjoy the contact and affection and would not deny her that but no I don’t long for it to and I do have days that im completely disgusted with her I do tell her I love her and to some degree I still do I don’t love her like I used to and am not sure I ever will again and do wonder about getting a divorce all the time. 6 months ago I would have said yes u can be truly happy with someone that cheated on you no I don’t know anyone who stayed with a cheating spouse and was more ever happy again everyone I know that was cheated on left broke up etc. If my wife was as sorry as u are I would think forgiveness would be easy but in the grand scheme of things if instead of pretending like everything was ok and we were working towards rebuilding our marriage if she would have just said look I don’t want to be with you anymore I want to be single so I can be with other men at least I would have been able to decide if that was something I wanted to try to work through with her or leave on good terms and be able to be friendly with each other. So for me it was less about the affair then about all the lies. I am still putting in a full effort and would never even let on how I really feel and hope that i am able to really feel that way about her again. Until the day I file for divorce I will treat her like always have I will love her cuddle with her tell her I will be affectionate and take care of her I don’t know if I will truly be happy when all is said and done i am hopeful and that’s a start. So in a very long winded response at one time yes I would have been truly happy with her again no I don’t crave her touch but don’t deny her anything but if she was like you I would be able to let it go and not dwell on the past.

written by random45, 01 December, 2011

Yes I know i am all over the place but its how I feel sometimes I love her and sometimes I don’t and its usually the pettiest shit that gets me going yesterday morn she asked me to go to the dr with her and i did and everything was fine she called off the rest of the day from work and I had to go in she was gonna take a nap before the kids got home and all I could think of all day was did she call in so she can have someone over which I know she didn’t she is on her period but the thought was still there and when I got home from work her phone was next to the bed for only the 2nd time in 3 months which means absolutely nothing but when I woke up this morn all I could think is I really should just file for divorce and be done with it. I feel like a god dam schizophrenic it comes and it goes and most of the time I do believe that if she remains faithful from here on out that I will be able to be happy with her again. And to answer some of the questions my last post may have brought up no I would not have stayed with her if she had been honest with me about wanting to be with other people but we would have been able to be friends which if we get divorced now we wont be I will help her out and be polite for the sake of the kids I got the emails after she voluntarily said she was going to stop going out and stopped hiding her phone yes she is putting forth more effort into maintaining the marriage now than she has in the past 2 years no I will not file for divorce if she remains faithful but I still have days I don’t feel like I love her anymore I will find away to deal with my feelings without allowing to affect the marriage just like I have the last few months. Yes we did have a great sex life was before this all started we were together for 8 years and still had sex 2-3 times a week and not boring passionless sex and no I was not always the one who initiated it it was mutual and yes even when im in one of my moods I do still tell her I love her and treat her the same as I would if I wasn’t in one of my moods.

written by random45, 01 December, 2011

Wow sorry for the rant im not crazy iswear =)

written by random45, 01 December, 2011

@ hope1
now that I got that all out of the way I am feeling much better and can hope fully help u out a little better. Ive been were u are I had almost the exact same feeling a few months ago. Don’t get down on yourself this is what you have to ask yourself what where you missing from your marriage that u were getting from the other guy? And now that not only are not getting that but u r getting nothing from him how long before u can’t take it everyone craves that human contact and to be appreciated by the one there with. There is no way to know what his intentions are he may just be stringing u along because he is afraid of what life would be like divorced of everything (possession wise) he would lose. I would doubt very much that u r a bore any women willing to have a 3some is far from boring. Do u feel lucky that this version of your husband stayed? U r the one who wronged him first and u should except ur share of the responsibility for what has gone on and it seems like u have but if he was unwilling to forgive you which would be just fine not everyone can accept that as a forgivable offense then he should have left or asked u to leave her and not treat u like shit and make u feel like he is doing u a favor by staying. Know your limits to what you can take and if u start to be drawn towards another man because u r be neglected by your husband than its time to move on with your life and find someone else. Until ur husband comes around, if he comes around, u will be the only one putting any effort into trying to be happy together and that is something u have to accept. Don’t feel cheap or degraded by it u should actually feel very good about it because in the end u will now u were doing the right thing and if it works out and there is a happily ever after for you guys then it was truly worth it because u will have gotten what u wanted all along.

written by Hope1, 01 December, 2011

Random45, I will try to summarize your story with these facts. You would have divorced her if you had the money. You would have stayed if she would have been remorseful. You would have been truly happy if she would not have done it again and had a 180 from the first lapse. You feel you can still be happy and are at times but the wondering doubt kills you. Is that a good summary?
About the wondering doubt; have you tried to control that? Are you waiting for her to ask for a divorce? If she doesn’t will you stay? Is it easier for you to stray because she has? Would it be easier to separate? Seems from your "ranting" that you struggle with what to do. It really seems you crave to be happy with her but you need more from her than she is giving. But how much more? Will it be enough? Have you had these conversations with her? How long ago was the last lapse and have you guys gone to some sort of therapy or talked to someone? Do you have girl / guy friends that you could talk to? And would that help? And lastly, why would the guy feel he owed it to you to send you the emails? What a coward. He would not have sent them had he not been ditched by her. She did wrong; very wrong. But what made him think you deserved that pain.

Today my husband will go out. I don’t know where or with who or for what or for how long. The not knowing is killing me. But more than that it just saddens me. Its sad to see him pushing hard to go out and meet girls and do what pleases him. Was he not pleased before? Was this a ticket to spark some excitement in his life? I am not saying what I did makes him happy because now he can go out and do as he pleases but was I encarcerating him in some way that now he is joyous to go out? Does he feel alive now? Guess that is for him to answer and it doesn’t matter. What matters is I have made a decision to bare the pain of seeing him coming and going because I caused this. I should suffer the pains of my actions. Not run away from them. It is painful but it is also forming my new found understanding. Why does staying and learning to cope with it not sound right to those that read this? Why do some say, yea you messed up but you don’t deserve to be disrespected. Lets not forget I wronged him and this is only a dominoe effect from that.

I was thinking the other night how I wanted to ask guys that have been wronged; does my story make you smile a bit knowing that this one man is standing for all of you by doing what you wish you could? He opted to go eye for an eye. But furthermore, he plainly doesnt care if I see him come and go. Does that make you feel happy? Isn’t that what every guy that has been hurt wants to do. Jackey, isn’t that what you were planning to do? Emprox: What would you do?

Its not that easy; is it? Deep down I have not lost hope that he does love me. That he does want to work this out. That he chose this route to self-medicate. But this could just mean I am in denial of it all. He has told me he simply does not care. I should accept that.

So here it is. This is real. I wronged him in a very stupid way and now he will wrong me ten times as bad. And then what? Will we withstand this storm? Would you?

written by GuyWithInfo, 02 December, 2011

Hope1 –
You are looking for a perspective of how other guys would feel in your husbands situation. I’d have to say that after our first discussion about her affair, I truly wanted to move on and put it behind us. It wasn’t until I realized she was just saying whatever words got her out of trouble that the love started to die. However, I’m not leaving the kids, and I am confident that I am helping by staying.

While she is still a mental case, I would say there has been no affair for quite a while. I have stopped trying to please her and instead I focus on my own goals and the children. Perhaps this makes me a stronger, more decisive man, which would have been my weak point before. Pity that I couldn’t have been this way while I was in love.

So I think my current attitude is similar to your husband’s. However, I refuse to put myself in a situation where my kids see me as the cheater, so I continue to play the family role. She and I still go do things, but I have become much more demanding about activities, family roles, sex, and whatever else. It’s easier to manage her than it was to love her.

But all this is because she was never willing to take responsibility and change. I would tell your husband that he might have the right to go get even, but he’s already done that. At this point, it sounds like he is turning into the aggressor. Since he has a wife willing to work on it, it’s time to either step up to the challenge or break it apart.

written by random45, 02 December, 2011

Hope1 it sounds like you r looking to be punished do you feel you need to suffer more for your actions? I think you might have just opened the flood gates for him to justify what he has probably wanted to do for a while he was probably feeling similar to you about the marriage but didn’t act on them but now since you tipped the first domino he is free to do what he wants. You should stay and try to cope and hope he comes around if that’s what you want to do I don’t think you should give up on him if you still have hope and r still in love with him I just think you need to have a limit and shouldn’t do it just to punish yourself. Do it because you think you can make it work.

written by random 45, 02 December, 2011

hope1
yeah i think you summed it up pretty good. conflicted is the word that comes to mind when i think of my situation, but wondering doubt is pretty accurate. i have tried to control and have my good days and bad days. it usually depends on her mood if she is warm and and happy im good if she is cold and distant the i get to thinking, and thinking is bad for me. no im not waiting for her to ask for a divorce because i dont think she ever will. why would she shoot the golden goose she has everything she wants a nice house a nice car some one take care of her some one to be there for her whether its some one to cuddle up on the couch with go to the doctor with her cause she is nervous, vent to when she is having a bad day or just make her laugh when she is depressed. no i wont stay if this keeps up as i said before i have already talked to a divorce lawyer and will file if she starts seeing or talking to any of these guys again or if i find out there is someone new i am done. no its not easier to stray i have had some chances and a few times even met up with a few girls with the intention of going to hotel with them but in the end i feel guilty about it and just go home there was the one time with her friend but that been all and that was unintentional she was at my house baby sitting cuz my wife wanted to go visit her sister and i knew my wife was cheating on me already but couldnt prove it and my wife was completely ignoring me in every possible way for the last 2 months or so and was trying to even set me up on dates with this girl and one thing led to another but after that i just couldnt do it. no separation is not an option it costs just as much as a divorce and i would still be responsible for 50% of the debt she would accrue if we ended up getting divorced or i would be in a deeper hole if got back together. as far as needing more her and how much more i need to get to be happy and it will it be enough. i dont know i dont even know what i need more of. consistency i guess she goes from i love u and ur the best thing that ever happened to me to i hate u get away from me every couple of weeks. i get that little flicker of hope i start to see the women i fell in love with and married and then poof she is gone just like that and back to the bitter lying women i have seen the majority of the last few years. i have tried to talk to her but she immediately gets defensive and mad so i dont bother any more. we went to therapy for one session and it was even her idea but afterwards she said she felt like i blamed all of our problems on her and the doctor was on my side because he was a man. she didnt deny anything while we were in therapy and admitted to everything and couldnt come up with anything that i had done to make her hate me except to say that i babied her to much after her brother died we got married after he died and were happy for 3 years we had a rough patch right after he died were we broke up and got back together a couple of times but in the end we got back together so i dont know how that applies. as far as the last lapse im not sure she met a guy from work for breakfast a little over a month ago who is one of the guys i found out after she had been sleeping with i confronted her that day with the emails and told her this was it it was me or them but im not sure if that was really just breakfast or something more because she was real lovey with me that morning which in the past she would be real cold and distant if she was going out to meet someone before that was july the last weekend she went out and didnt come home and i told her i that was not happening anymore. that was when she said she wouldnt go out anymore because she didnt want to feel like that anymore. and she hasnt been out since so that was like 3 or 4 months ago. all the emails i received were dated from feb- early june nothing after i do think i make things worse sometimes by being so up and down and no i dont talk t anyone just to avoid making anyone uncomfortable around her which if we do stay together is no good. which is why i started posting here its anonymous and i at least to get it out there and it makes me fell a little better.

written by Hope1, 04 December, 2011

GuywithInfo and random45,

First, thank you for taking time to comment. You were both hurt and yet you take time to explore this with me. Now to answer some doubts. I am staying because I am in love with him. I want to laugh, cry, and experience life with him. Just as important is our children. Others may say they will be fine. And sure they will at a very top level. Their lives will be altered if not already. I am staying because I want to break through it and not run away.

I am so confused. My decision is clear but it’s the "how to get through it" that I can’t figure out. This weekend I was alone for the majority of the time. It’s soooo hard! I miss the "him" factor in everything I do. I think or see something funny, sad, etc, and I want to tell him. Sometimes it escapes me and I do text him. Then i kick myself for sending it. Just minutes ago I went over to tell him I miss him like crazy and to know surprise I got nothing.

I miss him and I miss him. And I wait patiently for him.

written by random 45, 05 December, 2011

The "how to get through" is what gets us all. it will either define your relationship and it will be stronger because of all of this or it will break and there will be nothing left of it there is know way to know which its going to be. i wish i could give you some better advice but i have yet to figure it out myself. hang in there and be patient a try not to give up hope.

written by random 45, 06 December, 2011

I am starting to think I am the problem in my relationship. i was talking to a friend at work (who just knows there has been problems not what the problems are) who said you have spent the last 2 years trying to make the marriage work and now that she is too i am looking for reasons that dont exist to be mad.

This weekend i found myself looking for anything that could indicate she is lying to me or still seeing someone else but i have nothing. As a matter of fact its been almost 2 months that things have been going great with us and it seems like the longer it goes in the right direction the more I am searching for something to go wrong. Waiting for the other shoe to drop and for her to go back to the way she was. Is this me trying to look for an excuse file for divorce and leave or is this just a product of the how the last few years have gone and eventually if things keep going well ill stop and just be happy or will i continue to try to sabotage things?
When Iam at home I do a pretty good job of not letting on that I am bothered and we have been laughing a lot and have been spending a lot of time together and just having fun with each other in general. this is what i wanted the whole time why the hell can’t i be happy now that its starting to come back. Is it to little to late? am i just burned out by this whole process and now that there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel i just don care? she has been talking a lot about things she wants do together in the future vacations home remodeling, maybe a new house in a few years and she is excited and i just keep thinking what makes you so confident we will still be together that far down the road. I am hoping this is just a passing stage of the recovery process.just going to Grin and bare it and hope for the best.

written by Hope1, 06 December, 2011

Random45: More than hope I have faith. I don’t know what the result will be but I will give it my all to work towards a healthy relationship. I come across a sign daily as I head to work. It reads, "You can’t change the future without disturbing the present." I can’t say I truly understand the message but there it is. Don’t bare it and hope for the best. Work on it. If you have thoughts, verbalize them. She can’t read your mind. It might turn ugly but if done with love that is disturbing the present to make a better future. You are not alone in your doubts and looking for reasons to hate. You have every right to be angry. But looking for present reasons does not help. Do you love her? Do you want a new house with her? Two months is nothing!!! It takes a loooong time to get through this successfully. Lots of talking. I believe you are closer to closing this ugly chapter than I am. I only wish my husband were much more open to move fwd in a healthy way. I am afraid I will stop loving him because of his uncaring ways. Completely my fault but still. Maybe he has lost love for me? So I have mentally locked all that pure and beautiful of him in a special place in my head. I don’t want it to be corrupted by the ill decisions we are blindly making out of anger and hurt.

Only you know if the ugly chapter has come to an end. Only you know if nothing will suffice. But I will tell you this. If you have doubt then you still don’t know. You still want with all your heart to make it work. Change something, everything, build new memories. Talk.

written by random 45, 06 December, 2011

No 2 months is nothing but it is a start and it is the longest we have gone in 2 years without something coming up to set us back to square one. I think that might be part of the problem why i am having so much doubt right now its only been 2 months but i cant remember the last time we had 2 months that everything went good. Me being ever the pessimist is waiting for that turn for the worst.
We both know we really need to talk about what has been gong on but are choosing to put it off til we are on a little better foundation. we have read a few books and that method seems to make the most sense. yes i do love her but thats got nothing to do with anything sometimes it just doesnt work. If it goes the way of divorce I will still probably love but just need to find someone that going to return the favor.

written by random 45, 06 December, 2011

Hope 1 ur a good women i hope your husband comes to realize how lucky he is and if not i hope the next man in your life realizes what he has.

written by Hope1, 07 December, 2011

Random45 and all: I believe we become so engrossed in feeling alone in this. But truth is the doubts, the insecurities, the hopes, are all natural "side effects" to these dreadful catastrophic situations. And they happen much more often than we think. We forget that both the offended and offender go through their own grieving process. Its what you do with it that makes a difference. Its easy to let these doubts, anger, hurt, reign over our lives and infect our hearts. But we have a choice. The choice is in our hearts but difficult to act out. If you choose to stay do it because you are in love with the person you chose as your lifelong partner. Do it because you see hope. Because your other half shows true remorse and is turning towards you. Choose to let go of the doubt and pain. Choose to genuinely smile and embrace the good. Don’t over analyze.

I don’t know what came over me a couple of weeks ago. Maybe its accepting things I cannot change or control, courage to change those I can (like me) and the wisdom to know the difference? Sound familiar? Its easier said than done. But for some reason it has come very natural to me. I know I tipped the first domino. I know he is out there. But every time he initiates a touch with me, every time we hug, every time I do something special for him or him for me, I embrace it, don’t over analyze, and love it!

I feel I am on the surgical table, fully awake, and I am being cut up but I don’t feel it during the day. I am fully aware that I am broken and torn and that our lives are fragile right now. But I am in control of my emotions. I don’t know how I get through the day looking confident and smiling. Inside I am in pieces. And still, yes, when I am alone, I stare at the wall and breathe as tears stream down my face.

I feel everyday is the last day I will hug him, talk to him, etc. So I embrace every second I can. This will sound cliche but we have to remember, "There is nothing I can do about yesterday, I don’t own tomorrow, but I have today!"

written by random 45, 08 December, 2011

Well said

written by Still upset, 09 December, 2011

I got married a few months after my girl fried got pregnant. She had this whole goody 2 shoe image, but it seems she slipped up and got pregnant. Well 4 months after the birth of baby I found out she had an affair , and she told me it only happened once and that one time was in my house, well after I confronted the guy that I later found out to be an ex boyfriend of her sister, he told me they had actually done it in her car and they did the late night meet up at Wal Mart. This pissed me off, I couldn’t leave my wife and baby so we relocated...well did a DNA test and found out that baby isn’t mine, she claims she doesnt know who the father is...well I spent some time away from home in Afghanistan and now I’m home, she’s probably about 1-2 months pregnant...I’m not happy with her at all what should I do? I can’t trust her and there is so much more that i want outta life. Should I stay for the kids?

written by Hope1, 09 December, 2011

Still: So sorry to hear your story. Staying for the kids is primary but its not that simple. Staying for the kids and because she is genuinely remorseful and deeply loves you and you love her and you choose to work on the relationship to make it the best thing for you and her is ok. Your relationship with her will mold your children. Staying for the kids and forsaking you as well as her is not good. I think you know all this. And like I stated on my previous entry; I think you know what you want. Its acting it out that is difficult. There is a fog of doubt over all of us. Most of the time this fog is because we let our "self" talk us into believing that its impossible, that its too much, etc. Talk to your "self." Take control and focus on today. Who is she today? Who are you today? Can you both work towards a healthy tomorrow?

written by random 45, 09 December, 2011

@still upset
The question is can you stay for the kids and not resent them even though you know one of them is not yours? If you cant then you should definitely jet. The other question is other than the kids why should you stay? Do you love her still? If not then you will only not affect your quality of life but the quality of life of your children. If you are truly not happy and feel nothing for this women than you should consider leaving. You need to figure out what will make you happy.

written by Hope1, 12 December, 2011

One step forward, two steps back. Its the little things that bite you. Its the "self" telling you its not possible. Its your mouth speaking doubt and fears. Its your actions resisting. All normal reactions to catastrophic situations. If that is normal then how do we step outside of "our" normal to react with unconditional love and open windows of opportunity to genuinely smile without guarding ourselves from disappointment?

written by hiya, 13 December, 2011

Hello! I have been reading all of the comments! I’m so sorry you have been cheated on or been hurt in your relationships! I myself have been in pain from the cheating my fiance has done. I never saw it coming and it still confuses me to this day. For all of you who believe in God, I was somewhat still grateful because at that hard moments I turned to him and talked to God a lot in my prayers. When things go right we tend to forget to have real talk with him. For those of you who are not religious... sorry if i offended you in some way...

We are currently just boyfriend and girlfriend, however some days it just plain hurts. My heart feels like its throbbing and my legs feel weak. i physically hurt. but one thing i know is how much i am trying too! If you all are ultimately willing to be with your other half in the end... you can’t just be so negative. I guess i have it pretty good because if im upset my fiance will hold me and call himself a jerk, but some days he says my sadness is annoying.. i can’t help but be insecure. It helps if you know that you need to punish him but also do ur best to be forgiving. dont say you forgive the person and treat them like crap.. if ur trying.. really try. u dont wanna end up having them leave or something bad happen to them and have your last moments just punishing! thats my advice... if u wanna ultimately be with them in the end... balance out ur forgiveness and really try to forgive... if they are mean to you and don’t help you tho... its not worth being in pain when u can be happier! it will be hurtful but in the long run.. its best for u.

written by wisernow87, 13 December, 2011

Hello everyone!! I’ve been reading these post and most of you are married. Hope you remind me of myself. I’m not married but I cheated on my boyfriend. I too would consider myself as a good woman but I CHEATED!! I am very remorseful,full of regret,I’ve cried harder than ever over the past 7 months. I’ve been with my boyfriend and father of my three year old son for 4 years. He cheated on me during the earlier part of last year. I stayed with him but within three days I was still seeing text messages from the same girl,pictures and etc. I kept confronting him about it but he would act like it wasnt a big deal. He was also treating me horrible around this time. He would always have an attitude, there was no cuddling and affection. I had every reason to believe he was still cheating. Instead of leaving I cheated. That was a year ago and he found out about it because I never deleted the website I started my cheating on. I confessed to everything because I believed it was the best thing to do. I slept with two guys once last year. I look back and I ask myself how could I do this. I used to look down on people that cheat and I became a cheater. It has been seven months and we are still together. I’ve changed my number, I dont go out with friends because I dont want him to assume I’m cheating. I only work and go to school I’ve been 100% faithful and I know I will NEVER CHEAT AGAIN!!! I feel so stupid for my actions because my boyfriend expressed his feelings to me for the first time after I cheated. He told me that even though he was acting like a jerk he knew he was just stressed and planning to marry me within the future. He said he never wanted any other girl but me. I felt like he didnt want me. Well it has been hell there are good and bad days. I’ve literally sobbed on my knees in tears several times in the past couple of months. I know where not married but I’m fighting like we are. I know he is my soul mate and I dont want to ever be with anyone else. I feel like I’ve ruined my future and destroyed the family we created. Although, he cheated its just not acceptable for a woman to cheat in society. Men get the free pass all the time. Its also harder for a man to visualize his woman with another man. Anyways, Im glad I learned my lesson about cheating before marriage but I hope and pray we make it. Im 24 and he is 26; I made a stupid decision that I will never make again. Since where still young I hope we can move on pass this and ten years later where happy again. Its just hard to read him sometimes because it seems like some days he loves me and other days its dead. I also feel funny around him now because I know its constantly on his mind. I cant get it off my mind either. Is this normal behavior? Any comments or advice.

written by Hope1, 13 December, 2011

Wisernow87,

You two are sooo young. Everyone here is in the same situation with exception of Emprox who is just curious about it all. Everyone deals with it differently. Gender does play a big role but age, existence of children, etc do too.

I cannot condone your message here about men have a free pass. Sorry, but I just can’t! Read over most of the messages here and its the men that are suffering. So your statement is unfair. Don’t get me wrong, I understand what you are trying to say but its not every man. There are men who stand for their vows. Who are faithful. Who are in the fog of this situation and wish it was only a nightmare.

Am I right guys? Because I know you say you hate her, and this and that. But truth be told you wish it was just a nightmare. Because there was a time when you loved this woman. And there are some that still do but are hurting.

Wisernow87: I feel for you. Because it stings now when someone says "A cheater is always a cheater." I never thought I would do this to him. Never!!! But here I am. And I can’t kick myself about it any longer. There is a time for everything. I have taken time to revisit it all and identify what was my vulnerability that lead me there. But once again I have to disagree with you. You seem to place fault in him for your wrong doing. Then you rephrase. Be careful with this. When you point at someone with one finger you have three fingers turning towards you. I understand that it played a factor. But it was your choice. And trust me, I know that we are blind when we make that choice. Everything becomes a blur. We are in fantasy world. Nothing snaps us back to reality. That is the phenomenon I still am trying to figure out. Someone should have thrown an ice cold glass of water on me.

Anyway, you are right about the difference on how we deal with it. Men vs Women. For some reason when the awakening of this comes to light; women want to be held and reassured. Men want to outcast you. Well I am generalizing. I am certain there are exceptions to this.

You will have hard times for a long time. That time is dependent on you and him. Are you both turning towards each other now? Are you both awakened to the fact that you want to be together and comfort each other?

There are other areas to explore too. Have you thought about an open marriage? I know that is a stretch and many times only disrupts things even more. But what is it that was lacking for him, for you. What is lacking now?

And, him being loving and cold is normal behavior. He is in limbo. With time he will lean. Hopefully, and I pray, that he will lean towards you vs going cold.

written by random 45, 14 December, 2011

@hope1
I dont think its possible to step outside of your normal reaction I think you need to go with it. Obviously if your natural reaction is to be violent or destructive you need to find a way to suppress that because that doesnt end well for anyone. But the anger and hurt I dont think you can get away from that. You can be angry and hurt and still show unconditional love and support. you just need to have an outlet for the frustration whether its coming on a anonymous website to vent and look for support or working out or what ever.

written by random 45, 14 December, 2011

@hiya
Everything you are feeling is natural and what comes with this type of situation. Remember its not your fault there is nothing wrong with you everyone has deficiencies and its up to the person you are in a relationship with to tell you if they need something that you are not providing. Then it s up to you to decide whether or not thats something your willing to change about your self. Be strong hold your head high
it is not your fault. He should not get mad or annoyed at you for being insecure its his fault you are insecure he needs to support you through this entire thing and be thankful you are still with him.

written by random 45, 14 December, 2011

@wisernow87
dwelling on it is probably normal but counter productive the only way to get past it is to move on and forget about it. you both screwed up it really doesnt matter who did it first or who’s was revenge its all the same. Men dont get a free pass when it comes to cheating its not like women are forced to where a scarrlet A if they are caught cheating now and men can fuck anything with a heartbeat while there wife sits at home and society applauds him. The statistics show the number is closer to 50/50 as far as who cheats more. We live in a society of instant gratification and selfishness and neither gender is judged more harshly than the other men just dont seem care if you call them a dog or any or other name you can think of but women are very sensitive to how society perceives them and get really offended if you call them sluts or whors. just an observation.

written by Max2, 14 December, 2011

In general, if there are no children then walk away. Chances are this isn’t the first time and won’t be the last.

If you decide to stay in the marriage, as you did, then you have an obligation to try and make it work. That includes telling your wife that you love her and doing things with her to make her happy.

written by Hope1, 14 December, 2011

Today was sad yet hopeful. It was me bday. He was the only person I wanted to share the day with but instead I spent most of the day by myself. End of day he brought dinner, cake, and a gift. It was perfect. What a blessing! I don’t know what to make of it. But the moment was beautiful and marked in my heart. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but today for about one hour is more than I deserve.

written by random45, 15 December, 2011

Thanks everyone for helping me out when I needed it the most. I have decided to file for divorce after the holidays I just found out she has still been talking to one of her boyfriends constantly and am done with this I wont tell her till after the new year until then i will pretend like everything is ok. I hope to have all the details sorted out division of marital assets and custody/visitation to give her when I tell her its over so hopefully we can do this as quickly and painlessly as possible and time to move on with my life thanks again for helping.

written by wisernow87, 15 December, 2011

It seems like you all misunderstood me when I said men get a free pass for cheating. I think cheating is unacceptable no matter what gender you are but society makes it seem worse when a woman cheats. For example, a woman can have sexual relations with another woman and its sexy to society. They can decide to be with a man and start a family the next day but if a man decides to have sexual relations with a man and later decide to be heterosexual its totally unacceptable. Also, I’ve been reading different forums and post related to cheating over the past couple of months. Every time a man post his story about his girlfriend or wife cheating; the responses are usually negative like (leave that h## alone). Just because a woman cheats dosent make her a h**. A lot of women dont value themselves and really are h** but all women that cheat arent. I cheated and I know it is something I would never do again. I would be willing to commit to my boyfriend for the rest of my life if we work out and cheating will never be an option whether im with him or someone else. I dont have a problem being with one man. Someone said that we both cheated and I agree. I’ve admitted to my mistakes but but he never admits to being wrong. He slept with the girl he cheated on me with multiple times in our bed. I slept with one of the guys once in the car and he cant stop talking about it. Anyways, I dont believe that just because someone cheats it will happen again. Cheating has been the worst mistake ever. I never want to feel the continuous guilt, stress and depression I’ve caused in our relationship again. I will never cheat. Im a very emotional person and cheating was too much for me to handle. I shouldve never went out here and acted like I could cheat and not care about the consequence. I never want to cause this must emotional stress in my life again. I rather be cheated on then cheat on someone else again.

written by Hope1, 15 December, 2011

Random45: Sorry to hear but its good for you to know. You have made a very difficult decision. Trust you have made the right choice for your situation. I would like for you to keep updating me. But I understand if you need time for yourself. There is no point trying to figure out the why of her actions. I wish things were different for you where she would be devoted to you instead of continuing in her deception. I pray that things run smooth during the process and that you find the strength to stand strong through it all. I am torn here because I certainly do not want my husband to choose divorce. I want him to consider that as the ultimate last resource. And I am doing all that I think he needs to give him that space and hopefully lean towards me at the end. Your decision scares me because my husband could be deciding something like this. But I pray that is not the case. I don’t know what else to do to help him see that I am devoted and in love with him. Is that enough?

Wisernow87: I hear you. I know where you are coming from. But it is easier for others to hear you if you talk about your situation and not generalize it. Everyone is unique and experience and act differently when in this situation. It does not matter who did it first. And sounds like you are able to shake things off much better than he does. Maybe your better half by nature holds grudges and is prideful. Maybe that is why he can’t let go. There is a time for everything. Let him vent. Don’t fight it. But there will come a time and only you know when that is that there needs to be a candid conversation and a stop to all the accusations etc. I agree that women who stray are not necessarily "whores" but what else would you call them. I am on the cheating side and the cheated. Yes, I agree that it is best to be cheated on that cheating. I would take all his pain away and multiply it on me if I could. Alas, here we are. You and I. Under pretty similar situations. Women tend to nurture and cling. Men tend to pull back and become cold. Wonder where you and I will be in a year. I read a sign the other day. A better future can only come by disturbing the present. What have you done today to disturb in a productive way the present. Remember, today is all you have.

written by wisernow87, 15 December, 2011

I forgot to mention that this is why me and my significant other keep struggling with my cheating. He thinks its worse because I’m a female but technically we where both wrong. Someone mentioned that I blame him for my cheating. I made the decision to cheat on my own. No one forced me to cheat. I just meant that before he cheated and continued to act careless. I cheated!!! I couldve broken up with him or really tried to work it out. I just meant that I never had a thought of cheating until he kept disrespecting our relationship. I decided to do the same out of anger which I deeply regret now.

written by wisernow87, 15 December, 2011

Random
I read most of your post. Your wife sounds like a habitual cheater. She seems like someones that gets a thrill out of cheating. I find it unbelievable that she is still conversing with another man. I dont even want to look at another man after my affair. I told my boyfriend that I never want to be in private company with another man. I think you need to get a divorce because she obviously has no remorse for her past actions.

written by GuyWithInfo, 16 December, 2011

Random
Sounds like the best thing. I’m sure it’s hard and will have a few twists and turns. Remember the basic reason you need to do this and let that help to keep you on the right path.

Hope1
It sounds like there’s still a spark. Make sure you don’t spend your life waiting for a good hour here and there. But I hope this is a sign that he is warming back up. I know he doesn’t want to talk, but you do need to make sure he knows you are continually remorseful and hoping he can see your renewed dedication.

Wisernow
Sounds like you stirred up a hornet’s nest! You are right in that a cheating man is just as bad as a cheating woman. A double-standard only exists if you let it exist, so don’t let him use that to create an upper hand. You should both be willing to work to get over what you each did. That being said – make sure you don’t end the "I was wrong" statement with an explanation of how you got to that point. I know you are just filling out the story, but it makes it sound like you are attaching a qualifier or excuse. If you do that with your spouse, it negates your effort to take responsibility.

Emprox
Thanks for your insight. It’s always cracked me up that you hang out here!

As for me
I am a much stronger man than I was when I first posted, and even stronger than when I came back and found this board to be active. I have found my path. I make the decisions I want to make. I am good to my spouse, even though I do not trust even the smallest statements she makes. I have always been there for my kids. So while I am not in the perfect situation with my relationship, I am playing the ball where it lies and salvaging my overall round. I will lurk here for awhile, but probably won’t be contributing much. I intent to spend my time on those things which continue to make me and my kids better. This forum is very useful for resolving the pain of cheating, but I don’t want to spend anymore time on that.

Peace

written by random 45, 16 December, 2011

Hope1
I’ll let you know how it all goes started looking for a lawyer yesterday I think I found one i like. I dont think finding the strength to stand by my decision will be to hard the woman I am divorcing is not my wife she is not the person i fell in love with and married, that women died 5 years ago with her brother only to come back once in a while for just long enough to give me that little glimmer of hope that she was still there. Thats all gone now. I am curious to see what happens after I tell her we are getting a divorce and we are forced to live together until she moves out,which I know wont be until she absolutely has too. The one thing concerns me is if in a few months after we have been apart for a while if she comes back and wants to get back together, which i do think will happen, and starts with the apologies and the remorse and how she has changed she made a mistake and blah blah blah. how will i react will i be able to say no you had your chance and you blew it or will i cave. i would like to think that I would be strong enough to tell her no but I am not naive enough to believe it will be that easy.

written by Hope1, 19 December, 2011

GuyWithInfo: Thank you for listening and putting your two cents into my situation. The beauty of this page is that its anonymous. I don’t know you. I can only see you through your words. You are a beautiful person and I aspire to put me last for him and for my children. Again, thanks for reading and giving feedback. Amazing how words can be more powerful than actions. Best of luck to you. Your children are very lucky to have you as a dad. Hope you stick around a bit to give me a bit more feedback as my story unravels.

Random45: I was rooting for you! Wanting it to work out! A bit selfish from my part. Figured if you could make it work then my relationship could also be restored. But looking back I see how its sooo unique to every single person and every couple. Its much more complex to determine the outcome. I am so very sorry that you wanted it to work and she is still deceived. Because she is deceived. And she will wake when you declare the "d" word. The rest is up to you. How did you find out that she was still talking to one? And is it just talking? What does she feel she is missing that she gets from this other person?

written by random45, 19 December, 2011

I don’t think her hearing me say im going to file for divorce matters to her. I told her last month that if she didn’t stop talking to and seeing the other guy I was filing for divorce it was him or me. She has said before that she thinks we can get through anything together and I believed that until last week. I found out she was still talking to him by looking at the phone bill if you view the bill online it shows you not only every phone call made or received but every txt sent or received the number it was sent to or received from and the time and date it was sent or received and whether it was incoming or outgoing. They have been texting from about half hour after I leave for work until she goes to bed or if I am not working my 2nd job that day till right before she gets home from work they never txt on the weekends or when im home. I don’t know if its just texting or not she still never goes out or works late or has to go in on her days off but since they work together there is no way for me to know for sure one way or the other. I have asked her what they do for her that I don’t but she insists they are just friends and she isn’t getting anything from them the only thing I can see is that they all in some way shape or form remind me of her brother a little and I think she is trying to hold on to him through them. Which makes me feel like I a dick for given up but I can’t continue to do this I really wished she would have come around but she wont even admit to doing anything wrong even with undeniable proof she insists she has done nothing wrong. Like I said before I don’t think she will realize she made a mistake till the divorce is said and done and she is left all alone and its to late to try and fix it now. The other guy is 15 years older than her and has a long term girlfriend at that he has been with and I don’t think is planning on leaving anytime soon which makes me wonder where is she gonna live once the divorce is final and has to move out. She can’t even get the gas and electric turned on without a $1000 deposit because when she was in charge of the bills and it was in her name she didn’t pay it for 6the months and I didn’t find out still I came home and there was no power. Every lawyer I talked to agreed that I would end up with the house since her name is not on anything having to do with the house including utilities and that she could not afford the mortgage on her salary even with me absorbing most of the debt they all differed on what would happen if she didn’t agree to joint custody and we had to fight it out and they all said my step son would basically be totally screwed I have no rights when it comes to him he has a mother and father. But that enough for now I am gonna keep treading water til its time to get the ball rolling with this thing.

written by Hope1, 20 December, 2011

Random45: She is deceived and she will feel the bucket of ice cold water land on her when she hears the "d" word. Sadly, it sounds like it is too late. But do you feel in your heart of hearts that it is too late? Or like you said, if she wakes from it and begs you back will you try once more? I know you are preparing for the worst but are you still hoping for the best? I’m sorry but I feel for her a bit. I know the deception she is in and sadly seems she wants to hold on to it because something about it makes her feel alive. But it will come to an end. Anyway, of course I feel for you more because you didn’t ask for this and you have been trying. I love that you tried. I pray my husband would try.

Update on me: He says he has not gotten past it and probably never will so as long as I am in the picture. I said I want to fight for him but everything I do he rejects. He says he is just not feeling it yet to accept. Does this sound familiar to you? I see hope every now and then but wonder if its just me creating these hopes. Its so hard to tell. I do ok so as long as I keep busy but inside I am sooo very lonely and sad. I miss him in all that I do. I don’t know if a year from now we will be better. Or if things will get really good but then one day he realizes he’s really not happy. I am sooo afraid that he may also choose to say "It’s too late."
Random45: Tell me that if she would have tried; if she would have faced you and cuddled in your arms you would have genuinely moved past it and been happy.

written by random 45, 20 December, 2011

Hope1
Keep the faith it takes time to move past these things in no way do I think the way he is doing it is the right way, but none the less its his way and everyone copes differently. If you see hope every now and again believe in it. For now thats all you have to hold on to. There is no way to know what will happen a year from now and worrying about the future makes today harder to deal with. Besides that your husband (from what you have described) doesn’t seem like the type to hide his emotions and fake it especially for an extended period of time. So if you think its starting to go well it probably is believe in that hold on to it it makes it easier. It may take a year it may take longer to get past this phase of your life, you never know so enjoy the fleeting moment of happiness.

I dont know what I believe in my heart. If she begs back and proclaims to be a changed women and all that how do I know its true? There has been so many lies how do I know she isnt lying again because life is so much easier with me than it will be with out me? I am not hoping for anything any more all hope is gone, I am preparing for life after her and I am expecting venom, bitterness, and full blame for everything that has gone wrong. She is the victim here. Yes I would have genuinely moved past it and not held it over her and been happy if she would have stopped been honest about everything and put forth a little effort. Maybe I will feel differently when the time comes and I am faced with her wanting to come back but as it stands right now I dont see any way that can happen.

written by random45, 20 December, 2011

Hope
It sounds like you think I should give her another chance why do you think I should? If I do give her another chance where do I draw the line?

written by Hope1, 20 December, 2011

Random

Sorry didnt mean it that way. You know your limit and if its time then its time. I am being selfish. Praying one couple can make it so I can see some hope for mine.

As far as reasons why I would think you should give her another chance. I don’t know her. But it doesnt sound like she is trying when she is still texting away with other. You have had serious conversations with her but it doesnt seem to wake her. So again, sorry, didn’t mean to question your decision.

However, for you to ask me it sounds like you are not so sure yourself?

written by random 45, 21 December, 2011

It feels like a very selfish move to throw the kids lives into turmoil because of her. They didnt have anything to do with it. I feel like I should set my own happiness aside for their good. Our home life is fine we never fight we are very loving to each other we take good care of the kids they are always very happy when we are at home everything is fine.For me this is with out question the right decision there are 3 million women in the greater metropolitan area of this city and I wont have any trouble finding another women to be with that would be loyal and honest. Is it right for me to put myself ahead of the kids right now? I don’t know. I have heard people say that if your not happy the kids are not happy but when I am with them i am happy and they are. This is what I struggle with right now. I have time to make sure this is the right decision I wont start proceedings til mid febuary early march after all of our financial issues are in order. So if between now and then she is able to perform a miracle and do a 180 and convince me that I should not go through with this with out knowing that I am planning to leave her great but I have no hope for that. I just hope that I am not being selfish and this is the best thing not just for me but for them as well.

written by random 45, 21 December, 2011

Hope1
I hope you have a merry xmas and everything goes well you and your husband over the holidays and you have a few more of those fleeting moments of happiness or maybe more best of luck Ill check back to see how everything went for you after the holidays bye for now.

written by Hope1, 22 December, 2011

Merry Christmas to all!

I realize we are all in what we believe to be the worst of situations. And indeed we are. But we have a choice. Drown in it and taste the bitterness or accept it and grow from it. Focus on the positives in your life. The "how" is always the tricky part.

This Christmas will be extra special. This horrible awakening has brought me to God. It sounds hypocritical but guess what; during hard or good times you have a choice to turn to or against Him. I chose to turn to. For those nonbelievers – sorry. For those in doubt; hmmm I think you believe but its the "how" that is tricky.

Anyway, guys, I was listening to a country song "If tomorrow never comes..." Made me think. Don’t hold back. If you love or are angry or need to express something to her/him... tell them. Tell them because sometimes actions don’t speak louder than words. Get it out of you and onto those that need to know. Why? It will bring you peace. And you may be pleasantly surprised with the outcome.

I have a profound new appreciation to fog. Its a dreary day here and its how I feel. But in it there is such beauty. Keeps me focused on what is truly important. Keeps me moving slowly to appreciate the little things.

Random45: Sounds like you are happy with exception of this other life she wants to continue. Don’t kid yourself; there are many fish in the sea but there will be problems everywhere you go. Loyalty is huge but I pray she does a 180 for you because if that is the only thing that is keeping you from being truly happy then I think there is so much to fight for in your relationship. Sounds like there is many more qualities there. I googled the aftermath of divorce and what you need to be ready for if that is the route you want to take. There was a list of things; infinite things. And I for one am not and probably will never accept many of those after effects. Wish I would’ve googled my stupidity. Best of luck to you... and pardon me but I will pray for you.

written by Soul2000, 23 December, 2011

Hey hope1, I’ve been reading your post for the past hour and for a very long time I had no compassion for cheaters until I came across your post. I wish there was a way your Husband could understand your remorse, maybe you could try to show him what you’ve written here and the responses from other cheated men which may make him realise you’re truly sorry for what you did. I know it would take me while to forgive you because the affair did go on for a year as it wasn’t a one time thing so it’s understandable why he’s hurt so much, but I was touched by the fact he did buy you a present/cake for your birthday despite all of this and called you back that one day when he was cold to you on the phone because he felt he had hurt your feelings.

written by Hope1, 24 December, 2011

Hi Soul2000,

I want to feel happy that you took the time to read my story but instead am torn with bitter sweetness. What brings you here? Hopefully curiosity and not a broken heart. I do appreciate your thoughts! It reminded me of the speck of hope that is in the gift and in the call. And in so many other things. Every time I come here I suggest positive thoughts and actions. Truth is I find this very hard to do. I created this hell and am entangled in it. Still wake up everyday with nausea. Still cry like a little girl. I am so alone. But it’s ok. I did this. Now he’s so distant. Now he’s out there. And I am so afraid of losing him. All I can do is be me and pray that with time he sees past my stupidity. I pray five years from now he can genuinely tell me he loves me! But reality is I have yet to find a couple that has gone through this and is happy. Ugh! You know. I am extremely remorseful. He knows this. But my remorse does not take away from what I did. It’s done. Grow from it and be a better person. Merry Christmas Soul!

written by Soul2000, 25 December, 2011

Merry Christmas to you too hope. I’m a person who’s searched all his life for love to be always left disappointed. All my life I’ve hoped and prayed I would find someone who would remotely care about me, show me something beyond a hi/bye. I grew up in a household were we had to grow up very fast, a household that was essentially an empty shell and a childhood I’d rather not think about. All my life I wished something would sooth this pain I had for companionship.

I spend these rainy London nights waiting for the bus looking at couples huddling and cuddling each other from the cold, the way they walked hand in hand, the way the girl stood on her heels to kiss her partner and I just go to bed staring at the ceiling in bed thinking will I ever get to have someone like that?. If you ever watched Taxi Driver when Robert De’niro says "Loneliness has followed me my whole life, everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There’s no escape. I’m God’s lonely man". That’s essentially me.

It’s part of the reason why I never understood cheaters, they had something so precious, something so many people in the world would give anything to have. I’ve read a lot of stories about people who’ve cheated and who either felt bad because they were caught or because they realized what they had to lose. Not you.

You genuinely felt sorry for hurting your husband. As much as I tried to berate you and put you down for what you did, I just couldn’t. I could feel your sadness and despair. I could feel how sorry you are for what you’ve caused. As I sat up reading your posts, I just hoped with the next one you would tell us that things were looking on the up. It honestly broke my heart just seeing you deal with all the pain you have in your life, I never replied to any of these posts before because frankly I had no sympathy for them, I had more sympathy for the cheated on but with you I just had to reply.

As much as you put yourself down; I honestly believe you’re a genuine, good person with a big heart who just made a terrible mistake. A lot of people are able to forgive themselves very quickly for bad things they do, not you though, it just goes to show what a decent person you are. As bad as your cheating is, I wish you would realize that your infinitely better than most of the scumbag cheaters out there. We all make mistakes and some mistakes are unforgivable and life is too short for second chances but not with you, you’re the only cheater I’ve ever come across that deserves a second chance. I think you’re part of the reason why that poster "frankey" decided to forgive his wife because through you, he saw her remorse more clearly.

I don’t know your husband but I sincerely believe he loves you more than you know, most men would walk out and start a new life regardless of children, I know I would. I could just as easily provide for the children but not live with you, but something is stopping him. All the memories he has with you, all the deep, deep love he still retains stops him from walking out of that door. At this point in his life I think he’s lost, everything he thought he had is not as it appears and he is still trying to understand why it had to happen to him.

I don’t think he would have a revenge affair because getting revenge on you means he harbors hatred towards you which he clearly doesn’t. He also comes across like a good man too, him buying you a cake for your birthday and gift too really touched me, most men would NEVER do that, it’s just goes to show how special you still are to him and he doesn’t want to intentionally make you feel like he hates you. For some reason I know one day he’ll come up to you, hug you, look into your eyes and tell you he loves you, and really mean it.

I will pray for you tonight that you get your life back and be happy again because you really deserve it. I just know one day you’ll give us the good news and if it doesn’t happen, don’t be upset, most people don’t show this much regret for the bad things they do and I’m just sure you’ll find love again

God bless you Hope.

written by random 45, 27 December, 2011

soul2000
You sound like a very lonely man and even though this is not a dating advice website you remind me of a few friends I have so Im going to give you some anyways. Women are attracted to confidence if you are one of those guys that always says why are women always attracted to assholes? They arent they are attracted to confidence which is what assholes ooze. So find away to be confident don’t let rejection get you down or fear of rejection prevent you from talking to a woman you are attracted to. Whats the worst that can happen she says no? But she cant say yes if you never give her a chance and you will never know which way it will go. So be confident and approach any and every women you find attractive you might be shocked at how many women will reciprocate your interest. You can’t hit a home run if you dont swing the bat and risk striking out every once in a while. Dealing with rejection is the key to finding happiness.

written by random 45, 27 December, 2011

Hope,
I have also googled divorce, for the last few months, and its after effects and how it will affect the kids, thats actually how i ended up here. I have read articles about how to help your children coupe and all that stuff and none of it sounds very appealing for any of the parties involved. I am just tired of trying with this women and your right there are many great qualities and positives about our relationship and the only negative is this other life she wants to live. But thats a pretty big negative. If you ever met us you would never suspect there was trouble or that we are on the brink of divorce. My fear right now is that if I dont leave her one day Ill catch her in the act and end up in jail. I am not naive to the fact that everyone one has their flaws or that my next relationship will be perfect and with out troubles. Troubles can be dealt with it can’t be any worse then what I am dealing with now. Anyways nothing is official til its official.

How was your christmas? Did things go well with you and your husband? Did you guys share a laugh and hug?

written by pacmany07, 28 December, 2011

I am 26 and my wife of 4 years is 25years old. We have a 4 year old kid. In 2009 while i was finishing my university degree my wife started seeing some other guy at her work place. I got wind of the affair when i realized how changed my wife has been. Can u imagine, this other time we had 2 months without seeing each other and when i came back from college, i was so looking forward to our intimate relationship, but all to discover that she was not that interested in sex anymore. I then started asking her about what my other senses were telling me, but all she could say is am being insecure. I later discovered that she had been cheating me with a co worker. I dug about the relationship and she could say is she dd not sleep with the guy, all they did was kissing, for the duration of two months. I still cannot believe that even now and ts almost two years down the line and all the trust is gone and until she tells me that she slept with him, i wont forgive easily, as i write this am planning of sending her back to her parents’ house.

written by random 45, 28 December, 2011

pacmany07
Her telling you wont help you have to decide whether or not its time to move on or not. Is she still seeing him or do you suspect she is? Best of luck with your situation.

written by tony brown, 28 December, 2011

My wife had an affair with my best friend who was married also. This happened after 25 years of marriage.We were having a rough time financially and my mother was very ill.
She was off sick from work and was phoning him and secretly meeting him. I eventually checked telephone bills which showed she was constantly phoning him when I was at work or looking after my mum.
I caught her out eventually and confronted her. She said it was platonic (liar) and he said she did all the chasing.

This happened 10 years ago..but I have never forgotten her betrayal and I will never forgive her for it.
I am still married to her...I detest her for what she did to me but I still love her.

We sleep in separate bedrooms and our love life is virtually non existent. But we plod on... as friends and financial partners...a normal couple to most people.

written by Pr, 29 December, 2011

Guys, hear my situation. My wife, her sister were attending a religious meeting. Seated behind us was my wife’s ex. I did not know, but my wife knew and her sister. My wife never told me about theis relationship before we got married. My wife’s ex sat behind us for 2 days during time of the conference. On second day of the meeting,during a brief break, my wife’s uncle invited me for a few drinks together with my wife’s ex who since they knew each other. But I don’t know whether he knew that his niece dated that guy. My wife saw me as I left with those two people. We had some few drinks and had normal conversations. When I am back to rejoin my wife and her sister, she was asking me questions about what we were talking about, were the "ex" works, and whether I know him. Previous day, we my wife and I met her ex with somebody else and we greeted them. My wife asked me whether I knew that guy but I said no, she kept. On the second day, that is when we went out for a drink with her uncle and ex, around noon, but she still kept in the dark. In the evening, I told her that I would meet those two people again, same evening. she became shakky and started advising me not to see them because they have bad behaviour. But I could not understand, after I insisted to tell me why, that is when she told me that it is a long story. I insisted further and she revealed that she dated that guy before she met me. Now I find it difficult to understand why she really wanted to keep the information from me for so long even if she saw that I went away with her ex for some drinks. I also fail to understand why for two days, she was pretending not to know ex just seated behind us and also even asking several questions to find out whether I know that person, his name, were he works, what we were talking about and even refusing me to meet them in the evening. She only revealed when I told her that I would meet those people after we had left the meeting place and I was dropping my wife at home. If I had not told her that I was meeting those guys, I was not going to know. Why would a married woman not inform her husband about her ex who is even seated behind him and interacting with him for a drink for close to two days. Since that day, I lost all trust and love for my wife.I would nt have cared to be told if the "fox was not in the chicken soup". I suspect, in my absence, she wanted to be free to communicate with that ex.
Your comments guys.

written by Hope1, 03 January, 2012

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS!

In my last couple of messages I have been coaching myself to realize that it is all a choice. The situation I created together with how I deal with it is a choice. I typed in caps "HAPPY NEW YEAR" because it is my choice to make it the best I can no matter what. It is your choice too. So in all the gloom I challenge you to look for the good and express that. Say the good because when you do you choose to focus on good and what’s more you will believe in it and work towards creating more good.of it.

I have read through the few more posts since my last entry. I will address those below in short paragraphs because I don’t want to make this lengthy.

Random!!!! Hi! And Happy New Year! If you want it, this is your year. Think long and hard, make a decision, and stand firm! I just wish she would do a 180 for you. I really do. Because it sounds like you really want that. Tell me the good that came to you this Christmas. Was there genuine happiness? And before I forget, thanks for all your kind words. Oh, also, there is worse out there Random. There is. I pray that you think long and hard (pros and cons) and I pray even more that she wakes from the deception. Does she even read these posts? Tell her I said "Wake the hell up!!!!" She has a good man in her hands that is willing to love her even after. Oh my! I envy her for that.

Soul! Hi! My heart goes out to you. I agree with Random... sorta. Only because I can only know you through your writing. There must be more to your story. Don’t be lonely Soul. The other that partook in my dismay was also lonely and he poured his energies into me. Like all women I found it flattering... I guess. And had no idea I starved for that attention. Not for him but the attention. Ugh, I don’t even want to go down that nightmare again. Thank you for your kind words. You have no idea how much they meant to me. I do understand your hatred towards cheaters. I destroyed all the good that you crave. Thinking back I feel the other was in a sense jealous of my life. Infatuated with me but more so with my life. And I let him take it and throw it away.

Pacmany: I agree with Random. Her admitting to it will not help you with your decision. It was two years ago. Have things not gotten better? Trust, love, etc, its all a choice. If she has given you no reason to negate those in two years then why would you? Its your choice.

Tony Brown: Wow. 10 years and you can’t look past it. That tells me where I will be 10 years from now. We also sleep in separate beds. I don’t understand how you could still love her but not try to get back in bed together. Please explain. I don’t want this to be a mirror to my future. 10 years? Separate bed? Hate? Love? What is it? Financial partners?

Pr: Women lie because they are afraid. Afraid to cause pain to someone they love. Does that make sense to you? If it was the past there is no point her telling you about it. Just so happened he was there at the conference. "It’s a small world afterall..." Don’t know. Did you ask her? Sometimes the truth has its slight opportunity to come out and soon after it is omitted because it has moved on to being a lie.

OK now off to my update. Short and sweet. I have chosen the narrow path. I will walk with him and hold his hand while he walks through his fire. He is out there. This is not my assumption. I know. I stand still and watch over him as I would for my children, for a best friend. I stand back and wait for his return. Our last conversation ended with him saying he will get me back but at the end of it all we will be together. That sentence tells me where I am today. Stand still, breathe, and hold on. This year will test me like no other. I cannot speak for him. I adore him with all his good and bad. I know this. There is no question I am in love with him. And I will be here for him however he needs me until... he makes a distinct choice.

written by random 45, 03 January, 2012

PR
Its sounds like your over reacting a it maybe you want to ask her why she was so reluctant to tell you. Maybe its just as simple as she was not proud of that time of her life and just wanted to forget about it. I would ask first before making it something it may not be.

written by navyguy93, 03 January, 2012

Hope1,
I quit reading somewhere around October 24th or so, but let me chime in anyway.
My credentials? Married for 18 years (divorced over the summer), 4 kids and if my ex acted like you, I’d take her back in a minute!! Hell, I found out about 5 affairs during all this crap and took her back twice!! Sounds like you’re doing everything right! Be patient with him! Affairs kick guys straight in the junk and that hurts! Don’t get down on yourself either! You’ve asked for forgiveness from him and God, so forgive yourself!! Don’t be arrogant or cocky, but let peace fill your soul because you are forgiven and it will help the relationship. I’ve commented rather harshly on other tags on this website about cheaters that continue to cheat or are obviously lying, but DON’T YOU GIVE UP!! He’ll come around, good women (and men) are hard to find!! God bless!

written by Hope1, 03 January, 2012

Navyguy93,

I teared up. I still am. I am so undeserving of your understanding and support but oh so very grateful for it. It is most definitely unexpected and very much appreciated. It’s extremely easy for someone looking in to say "hang in there" and "you deserve a second chance" or even the contrary of "a cheater is always a cheater." I do have to say that coming from those that have been hurt means so much more. Because you know the pain and some of you would still take your spouse back. Most of you, if not all, wish it were just a nightmare! Unfortunately, for the majority of you the nightmare never ends.

Ugh! I am kicking myself right now because the support also throws me into guilt. Thank you and I can only pray that my husband feels the same way.

My goodness I should start my own blog. I stumbled into this site six months ago to read all that men have to say when they are hurt. In part to find truth in your pain and in part to find hope. I was distraught but acceptive of all the blatant hate in the first messages. I was undecided if I wanted to add my story only because I wanted it to be anonymous. But I so wanted someone to kick me around. I wanted to feel the anger shooting straight like a dagger into me. Instead, oh my, I feel support. People taking time off their busy schedule to read my story and realizing that its not always black and white. That there is true remorse. That I am in pain solely for the pain I have caused him. I am afraid only of losing him. I am in agony and nauseous because every day he could slip further and further away. So I panic, I panic, I stop breathing even. Then I drown in tears, lose sleep, and become numb all over again. Lack of sleep seems to help because I can focus on today and have no energy to let my mind wonder off.

I digress. I went off in my sad journey. Sorry guys. Thing is I do ok so as long as I keep busy... um very busy. So I have a few activities that I have planned out for myself. This year is about actions. There is lots to do. This year will not go wasted!

LOL. I sound like a nutcase because I can go from extremely miserable in one paragraph to positive thinker in the next. Thing is the misery is always with me. But I press fwd with the choice to be externally happy and maybe even a little internally happy. I can easily, easily, drown in misery. But I can’t. I have to come out strong from this. Its the "how" that’s tricky.

written by random 45, 04 January, 2012

HOPE!! HOLA
How are you? Xmas and new years were good we had some fun spoiled the kids spoiled each other. But thats no different than any other time we are together. We always seem to have a lot of fun when we are together and are genuinely happy its when the reality of life comes back and we both have to go to work and are away from each other than things tend to go bad. I am still preparing for the end but I have this little sliver of hope right now. Maybe its from the holidays maybe not I really dont know. I looked at last months phone bill and she had virtually stopped texting him where it was 30-40 x per day its was like 5-10x a week since before that day in december I posted I was done. I was only able to see up the 4th of dec. at that time, thats when the billing cycle ended and it had been ridiculous how much they were texting. I have not told her anything and no I dont think she reads these posts I usually do this by phone or at work never at home. So I have a sliver of hope but I am still preparing for this to be just another passing moment.

I didnt know you and your husband were sleeping in separate beds. Is it separate rooms too? Is that as a result of what happened or were you already sleeping separately before your slip up? Have you tried getting into bed with him or has he made it clear you are not welcome there?

It always bothers me (maybe bothers isnt the right word for it but its what come to mind right now)to hear when couples are sleeping separately from each other. I know sometimes its because of health (like back problems) but I have never met a happily married couple that sleep in separate beds. It almost like you lose something some bond some connection. I would never want to end up in situation like that it seems like the marriage has been reduced to a friendship/financial partnership. Marriage is not a business partnership and shouldnt be treated like one in my opinion.

written by Hope1, 04 January, 2012

Hi Random! Hola? Where did that come from? But ok "Hola!" I am smiling right now because I read your message and you had a great Christmas!!! Good for you! And it also sounds like you are genuinely happy. Gosh darn her Random. I already care for her and wish she would wake up!! Sounds like she has. Oh I do hope so. Have you guys gone out by yourselves? Maybe on a fun date per se? The holidays do put a bit of hope into everything. Its the mundane in between that gets us all. Its the in between that tests us.

Different rooms. It started before and to help him rest from crying kiddos. I agree, separate beds never works. I will not say this was part of a factor to my stupidity. But you can read between the lines. And now its the way it is. I hate it!!! Am I welcomed? Ummm I tried a few times but I am on a timer. So I don’t get to stay. And as of late I only say goodnight.

I am not in his arms for more than 10 seconds. And that is only when I initiate the hug. He seems pleased but still manages to get out of it. Last thing I want is to make him feel pressured.

Thing is our personalities are a bit of a conflict in this whole thing. We are extremely good at being independent. He does his thing and I do mine. That is just like sleeping in separate beds. Don’t you think?

As I type he is out to lunch. I texted him and will not receive a response until maybe after lunch. I don’t know where he is (but I never did before) and I don’t know with who or what he is up to. My gut tells me his lunches are becoming very fun. Ugh! Don’t know but I do. You know. There are signs everywhere and not just because we are not intimate. There are other signs. Don’t know how to explain it. Just is.

So I eat to live not live to eat. I sleep cuz I have to and I smile as best as I can. Knowing full well he’s out there. I know enough has happened and so much more to come.

Don’t get me wrong. I know its all my fault. And I have no say so to what he is doing. But it hurts. You know. That’s ok cuz I hurt him. It will be ok. I just need to hang in there.

written by random 45, 05 January, 2012

Hope
was just in a good mood yesterday i tend to be a little silly most of the time. It makes life more fun when your not always so serious.
No need to explain your gut feeling I know exactly what you mean, and the more I learn the less I am starting to believe you are solely at fault it sounds like you had been neglected for a while and had just gotten used to it until some one started paying you the attention you were missing. Not condoning what you did because instead of turning to your other you should have tried to seek it out with in your marriage but you cant unspill the milk. Cope now and hope it gets better but it was both of your faults. Having independent personalities will always cause a conflict because you will feel you dont need the other to do what needs to get done. Also not your fault but it is what is.

We have been going out on date night once a week for almost a year now. We always have a lot of fun, movies bike rides walks downtown dinner watched the sunset. We even went on vacation in July just the 2 of us, before I found out about him, and had a blast together and are planing another one for the week of her birthday she is so excited. We are always laughing hugging kissing she always tells me she loves me. We really do make a great team neither of us does more than the other we both help with the kids house chores dinner. It blows my mind that we seem to have everything going for us but she needs to have this other guy. I am hoping its different this time but I dont think it will be. I think it will be like every other time. i am still taking care of her and i will just continue to have fun with her until the day I file the paper work that will be the point of no return. A friend of mine said I shouldnt quit yet take the vacation we are planning and see what happens maybe that will be the thing that changes everything. She wrote me a note in a card a few months ago and told me she loved me and that sometimes we seem so close to fixing it and that she would do anything for me because of how I have stood by her through thick and thin. but she cant do this one simple thing for me and not talk to this guy any more.

written by Hope1, 05 January, 2012

Random,

I do believe I am solely responsible for my action. I should have turned to him. I don’t believe he was neglecting me. His attention was on his job and a side job. I should have respected our marriage. I see how I could pin it to neglect but he wasn’t doing anything wrong. And, yes, I was starving for being his center of attention. I quickly slipped into wearing all hats and left out the "me" hat. Does that make sense? Also, my independent personality does not help. I saw that he was busy with what I considered to be his project and I didn’t want to intervene. I should have. I should have been a nag. That could have been remedied. Now, I don’t know.

No point revisiting this. Really. I don’t want reasons to pin things to him. I honestly feel that the black and white tells the story. I should have gone to him. I didn’t. Now I pray I can work my way back into his arms. But more so I pray he can look at me and be genuinely happy.

So you do go on dates. That is great. Random, I am with your friend. Sounds like you should really think about this. I am with you if she clearly doesn’t stop. But it really seems she is your best friend. That is very hard to find. other fish in the sea is overstated. There may be many fish but... don’t know. Maybe you are right. Maybe I should talk to her. Anyway, ugh, don’t like that she doesn’t know that she is being tested. But then again. We are all being tested. I sometimes feel my husband is testing me. See if I am strong enough to be alone and stay focused. Then again, maybe there is no test. It’s life.

written by Emprox, 05 January, 2012

Hope1 and GuyWithInfo,

How’s it going guys? Didn’t come on here for about a month. Tardy, but Happy New Years! How are both of your relationships as of now? Any New New Years resolutions by any chance?

written by Hope1, 06 January, 2012

Emprox! Hi stranger! How are you? What kept you so busy? Happy New Years bud. There is a new year resolution. Well I made that decision before the year. I stand still, support, and wait out this crazy mess I made. Last night was hard. I am terribly tired today. But I’m here. Moving fwd. Everyday welcomes opportunities to make it better.

written by Hope1, 06 January, 2012

Where is everyone else that posted years ago? Any happy stories?

written by random 45, 06 January, 2012

Hope
I have an idea maybe you want to try it maybe you dont its up to you. I know you real persistent about giving him his space but I really think you should find away to have some time with him. I think the sleeping in separate rooms could be a way in. You should try to get in bed with him. Maybe the first time you want to wait til he is asleep then crawl in bed with him curl up next to him and go to sleep. If he asks just tell him you were lonely. If he asks you not to do it again then obviously you should respect his wishes and dont do it again till he is ready but maybe he misses you too and his pride is not allowing him to make the first move. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I know it sounds kind of sneaky but you got to start somewhere. You cant expect things to change for the better if you are not doing something proactive to make them change.I know for me I am a very physical person I love all the touching and cuddling its what my wife does to me when I get mad at her it doesnt matter what i was mad about that usually gets me over it pretty quick.

You realize you waffled on your opinion like 3x in your last post you sound just as conflicted about where to go with this as I am. Its really not as simple as stay or go black and white. Maybe you should talk to her and put in a good word for me. As far as her not knowing she is being tested its not like I just decided that you know what I m going to leave her if she doesn’t stop talking to this guy but I am not going to tell her she has to stop, she has to figure it out for herself. I told her 2x once in November once in December and I didnt ask her if she would I told it was him or me she knows whats at stake. She thinks I go through her phone so she deletes all the texts, she shows me her phone constantly so I can see there is nothing there from him, but I am not going through her phone. She also deleted him from her contacts list but yet there his number is on the phone bill. I dont care what she is saying to him, she said she wouldn’t talk to him any more. She doesnt know that all the texts she sends are saved on the phone bill so I can see who she is texting I dont know what it says but it doesnt matter. i have noticed a pattern though and maybe its him pushing her but usually its he’ll text her 3-4 times and she ‘ll respond some times they go back and forth and sometime she will text him first but.... I dont know maybe i am just trying to justify it.
She is my best friend she says I am hers and I know how hard that is to find. Someone that you coexist with in perfect harmony we compliment each other perfectly in every way. This is why I have held on so long and kept putting the effort forward but at some point you have to cut your loses and move on. Dont get me wrong a part of me wants to stay and just be happy with life as it is but part of me says its time to go. The question I always ask myself is if the situation was reversed and that was me doing this to her would she still stand by my side and try to save the marriage and I dont think she would nor would she buy the horse shit ass excuses she feeds me if I were to give them to her.

written by Hope1, 06 January, 2012

Hi Random!

We are such a mess! Your suggestion is not sneaky. It’s what I would love. But I have tried and he is very cold and waits for me to leave. I respect his wishes. I know it sounds like I am not doing anything to help but I think quite the contrary. I am respecting his wishes and staying strong. Rarely does he see the tears. And we don’t talk because he doesn’t want to. I respect his wishes. Sometimes though you have to be careful for what you wish for? Last night was extremely hard. Very, very, hard. Not the first or the last. I pray I can endure, stand still, and be there for him if and when he needs me. Everyday be the best I can. Be me. That’s it. I keep busy. Creating activities for myself. Never ridden a motorcycle but I am planning on purchasing one. Turning it into a project. And other crazy activities like sky diving. Why not?! Life is short. No time to sit around and let my brain rule me. I need to rule it. While I patiently wait I will be productive. I am in love with this man. Breaking down and being useless is not flattering. Don’t think that would help us. But I do break down. On my own time. Its necessary.

Ugh. As far as your relationship. You think she knows what’s at stake. She doesn’t. Let me repeat, "She doesn’t." Its a deception. And it will be a rude awakening to say the least. From what you have gathered it does sound like he is chasing her. She’s afraid to tell you for obvious reasons. You need to step in during those patterns and invite her out. Remove her from that temptation. She is not the victim but I can tell you she sorta is. I was there. If she texts back it’s temptation and she is not strong enough to stop it. She is not strong enough!!! There is nothing wrong with that. If she texts first is because we are human and she misses the attention to some degree. But I really don’t think she wants to lose you. She just doesn’t get it. You don’t have to confront her. Take her on a trip where no cells, internet are acceptable for a week. Reel her in during those patterns. Don’t know. She’s your best friend. Help her. Fight for her if you really want it. Like you tell me. Fight. Have you tried to contact him and tell him to step off? I know its not his fault entirely but men intimidate women. I was. And here I am.

written by Emprox, 06 January, 2012

Hope1,

I’ve been somewhat good; lot’s of college work and stuff. Is your relationship with your husband a little better now than the last time we have spoken about it?

written by Happy Again, 06 January, 2012

Found this forum by accident, but got sucked in by the topic. Especially Hope1.
First some background. Christian Father, faithful, hard working, provider, caring, educated, etc, all the positive traits of a good man I guess great husband material. Ex wife, great woman, beautiful, smart, caring, good mom, christian, etc. The perfect couple, white picket fence, dog, two kids, financially well to do, healthy, good looking couple. The problem? Ex wife had 3 month emotional affair. I found out about from third party. Confronted ex wife with it, first she lied, then repented and cried. Both worked on reconciling, counseling, etc. A year later, found about texts and continued contact with same man, filed for divorce. Divorced a year, separated for almost 2, in hell for about 4.
I am sorry everyone but this one is for Hope1, giving a man’s perspective in the aftermath and with a clear and peaceful perspective, I may be generalizing but based on the limited information, I’ll try my best.
First to try to answer your many questions from a man’s point of view, please note that there are different points and views which is why I will put a little insight after my answers.
Can a man be truly happy after affair? No, never. Period! Men are simple creatures, we either love and are loved by someone, anything that breaks that, crushes a man’s fantasy.
What kills the relationship? The lies, or one lie. That’s it plain and simple. Not the sex or emotional affair, the lies before, during and after.
Is the cheater dead to him? Yes. The person that he once knew, trusted, loved, is dead. Dead and gone.
There are no perfect husbands, everyone has flaws. But there’s no reason for cheating, ever, never. Nothing any man does is an excuse for cheating. If there’s abuse, walk away. Fell out of love? Speak about it, let him/her know and move on.

Hope1’s husband. (This is from a man’s point of view, mainly)
Husband doesn’t want to discuss it? He is in denial, or afraid to know/hurt more. Bit of a coward or confused.
Still loves you? Yeah maybe, but with HUGE reservations.
Stay for kids? Eventually he will see differently.
Can he live with someone he doesn’t love? For now, yes but eventually the affair will erode his soul and heart.
Staying together is logical? mmmm, sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Will the pain go away? Never, may fade or temporarily be replaced by random happy moments, but it will always be there, always!
Do men fall out of love? Yes, deeply. Especially after affair, worse thing for man’s ego and self.
(continued)

written by Happy Again, 06 January, 2012

That was my 2 cents. Some additional information and questions below.
At first I was under the impression that Hope1 had slept with needy guy, but it was emotional. From a christian point of view, still considered adultery but society tends to be more lenient nowadays. If Hope1 were my wife I would have tried harder but one never knows. Decisions have dire consequences.
While I feel for Hope1 and the repentance and guilt, etc. You can only feel sorry for so long or take blame for some time, after a while it gets old, especially if the other side is not budging one bit. Yes, you are sorry, yes you learned your lesson, but a guys head works like this: If you loved me why did you cheat? that’s it! It’s done, and that’s what’s hard for guys to comprehend, so no matter the amount of sorrow afterwards, it happened, and the cheater let it happen!
It’s getting long, but I’ll try to finish for now.
You mention God and religion? why be sorry for it, either you believe in God or you don’t. And yes, sometimes God or religion becomes our refuge, different reasons why.
Last points and questions.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, Hope1, do not put up with him running around, it will only hurt both deeper. He should man up and talk to you and come to a decision. Allowing him to sleep around, opens your family to AIDS, VDs and all other issues that come with extramarital affairs. He is wrong. Yes, you may have to be gentle and agreeable but you have to set the boundaries. At worst, you could say he can go ahead and text someone and have an emotional affair to "even" things our, but then it’s done! clean slate for both of you.
The keeping the truth so as not to cause pain to a guy translates to: Lie, lie, lie, we’d rather find out quick and from the cheater’s mouth! Finding from others makes it especially painful, because others know before us and it messes with our pride and makes us feel like the biggest fools.
Statements like I miss you, I love you, I am sorry, etc to a cheated husband feels like rubbing lemon to his wounds. All we hear is bla, bla, bla and in our minds the only question is WHY? why? why? (Again this is for a guy that did not wrong or was as innocent as he could be)
Questions to Hope1.
Are you intimate? without kissing?
Did you not make warm meals before? if so, why start now? Reading Bible, why now? To a guys simple mind it is seen as a temporary change to impress, which brings up more feelings of deception, weird and complicated, but that’s the way we see it. We may like it, but our emotions are out of whack.
Hopefully this gave you a guy’s perception of the situation. Sorry I was blunt, but I tried to pull my own thoughts and suffering I was put through. I see now that the pain can sometimes be unbearable and the only and best way out is divorce. It’s an ugly word, especially for a very conservative guy from a very conservative family (mine was the first ever in our family history). But now I realize that it was the best, I was dying inside while at the same time trying to punish and love my ex wife at the same time, which sounds like your husband is doing to you. But this is dangerous territory, because you can only love and take so much and eventually you’ll come to resent him and fall out of love. Everyone deserves to be happy and cheating is the worst thing that can be done to a marriage. Especially for the seemingly good guys. Good guys will remain in a marriage through any and all adversity, be the best husbands, lovers, providers. They marry for life and truly believe in the perfect world with the perfect wife, but once cheating happens. Might as well just stab us in the heart and twist the knife until we die, because we are already dead inside. Yes, time heals and all that, but our soul, mind and fantasies are dead forever.
Ask away and I shall respond. In my heart I truly wish you get your husband back, but it will be a very painful existence for him, whether he knows it or not. But you should not put up with his emotional abuse for long, create a deadline in your head and go with it as painful as it is, you are actually helping him end his pain.

written by Lonely112711, 06 January, 2012

Been married 22 yrs, 11 months, 338 days to same woman. Have 3 children. Marriage was always good but we had communication issues. She is controlling, "her way or the highway" (I;m not getting a job, sleeping a lot during the day, not keeping up or even accepting her responsibilities as wife) and for years, I just went along with it to "keep the peace". She would have blow ups with many family members, friends that eventually over time would come back. However, when I say I went along with it, I really didnt. I took it out on her in "other" ways(annoyed her, immaturity, sarcasm, jokes) because I was afraid of her as its her way or else. I always made more, more and more money every year. She spent more + more. We had a huge home, great cars but she spent and I went along with it (again not really, took it out on her). Bankruptcy...we moved out West, I started a company and made HUGE $$$, she couldnt spend it all. But, my buz partner stole it all with our accountant and split town...I went thru depression, turned to alcohol + pot (neither of which were an issue prior) and things got ugly as I found I have an addictive personality(cant stop at 1 or 12 beers). Eventually, 1 night it escalated to where the alcohol allowed me to be honest(too much so), I was just going at here combating her (not righteously mind you) and she got pissed....next day, cops show up AT WORK, I goto jail for Domestic Assault, because kids were there, Child Endangerment and restraining order....Get out, cant talk to wife or kids.stayed with an employee of mine..thought it was over...she wants to reconcile as she "thought it would only be for 1 night just to scare you"...well, so much for that theory(or the thought that 10 days of no income really fucked her)...I blamed her for all this(though I was in the wrong to drink + take out verbally)...life is miserable for 2 yrs,,,we head back home...money situation gets better, I start finding a higher power, no longer drink or smoke....Thanksgiving weekend....she tells me after I got out of jail,,,,she cheated on me with 6+different guys(she wont be exact) at lease 10+times...she refused HIV or STD test because "she was afraid", although she swears it was always protected....Last 1month + 1/2, I have been awful to her,,,,whore, slut, it plays on my mind every minute...she rebuts it by saying she did it as I was emotionally abusive....I feel betrayed, angry, no excuse for it.....I was committed to our bonds of not "crossing a line". She plays the emotional abuse card. You know, when at some point when someone doesnt want to hear the truth,,,I think they say your being emotionally abusive....left for 1 night as I write this to a relative’s home who is a snowbird...All alone, love my wife but hate many of the things about her unwillingness, the constant drama and the betrayal. Seeing marriage counselor next week!!! Very alone! Low confidence and esteem. Thanks for listening

written by Happy Again, 07 January, 2012

Dear Lonely112711,
One word of advice. Leave, don’t walk, run!!! She is abusive, always will and is only using you for financial security. You were also wrong to be verbally abusive and a pain in her butt. But nothing, I mean nothing can be used as an excuse for cheating. Believe me, you will never get over it, it will always be in the back of your head and it will make you miserable. I also got the same lame excuse I was abusive, bla, bla. My ex didn’t work, enjoyed the best of everything, lavish vacations, etc. Guess they get bored and need a bad boy and live on the edge. Who knows what goes on in their heads, but it’s up to us to stand up for what is right and enjoy life. Believe me, time heals and you will find love again. Someone who appreciates all you do. The decision is yours.

written by Hope1, 07 January, 2012

Happy again,

Thank you for your honesty. I read your response twice and will respond more later. One question, if she would have stopped after the three month would you still be with her? If you are truly happy again why are you searching these sites?

written by Hope1, 08 January, 2012

Happy again,

Been thinking long and hard all day about what you said. So much to say. Don’t know where to start. I’ll sleep on it tonight. Hopefully I’ll be able to answer tomorrow. You asked why now my simple answer right now is " why not?"

written by Hope1, 09 January, 2012

Happy again,

I read your message yet again. A bit about you if you don’t mind. As I asked above; if she would have stopped at the three months would you be with her? Who was the third party? You stated 1 year divorced, 2 mo separated, 4 mo in hell. Is that backwards? Or are you in hell now? If you are Christian and a good guy and she was too and everything was great why would a three month emotional affair end it all? Have you found someone that completes you like she did? If the person you knew is dead to you could you meet the new person and fall in love with her all over again? Staying for the children is very controversial. Some people say YES others say NO. What is your stand? If all is seemingly good; if all was seemingly good for you; would you have stayed? What do you mean he will see different? Was the counseling session helpful or TMI for you? You stated if I was your wife you would have tried harder? Elaborate please. Do you believe in clean slate; if so why d
id you not go that route yourself? And lastly, help him end the pain. It sounds like he is in the ER in critical conditions and I should pull the plug. Why is it he cannot pull the plug himself?

To answer the why now question. Again, why not. I created this mess. I created this hell for him. He will be in pain, I am in pain. I can’t erase yesterday but I have today to make it seemingly bearable. Right? I have a choice today to ease the pain. If he is in the ER would I give him morphine or acid? I have a choice today to be a better person. So why now? I answer with "Why not?" My alternative is to be a pain, to be horrible, to be inpatient with his pain. Why would I do that? Is that what you would have liked? Why would I kick him while he is down? The question of "why now" just doesn’t sink in because "why not?"

I did not get bored with him. I took him for granted. Big difference. He is an exceptional man and I lost sight of that. I love cooking but with the busyness of two little ones, work, etc, I cut back on a few things. He is not big on perfect made foods. But he deserves these little simple things and so much more. So again, why now? Why the hell not? Would it be best if I stopped and not do anything to make him smile if at least momentarily? He is living in hell; anything I can do ease that pain. Even a full happy tummy? I don’t know.

I was raised Christian. I lost sight at 17 when my father passed away. We kept telling ourselves and others that we would rejoin the walk with Christ when the right time came. For me; that time has come. He has been with me all along. Walked with me and whispered to me when I was headed down the wrong path. I knew this then but I didn’t pay attention. I literally heard the whispers. Now I turn to Him. Why not? And He is there. I feel Him. I am not sorry that I have turned to Him now. I am sorry for those reading these messages because of the distaste some people may have considering how I came to Him. Very few blessed people go to Him during good times. Blessed are those that have. Sadly, I had to walk through rocks to see the mountain view. I am in love with God. He’s been with me and waiting for my return. No matter the outcome I will not waiver from this.

No sex and no kissing. A few times then it stopped. He says he has no other its just he doesn’t feel like it with me. I beg to differ. But ok. Its ok. I can accept that he doesn’t want to with me. I can fully comprehend that. Its lost. But I also think there is others that are already or very close to being there for him. Do I know this for sure. Hmmm, there’s strong signs.

I am grateful for you Happy again. I am grateful that you chimed in. Coming from me it must mean nothing to you or you may even feel disgrace but let me say "I am truly sorry for what you have gone through. And pray you will be blessed with a woman that will fill that void." Like you said, there is no excuse. I agree full heartedly. Yet, I wonder if I took to your feedback because it is seemingly negative or because its real. I am still debating on that. This morning I thought about your reply and I prayed, "God, you know the hard road ahead; You knowing this keep quiet and helplessly watch me break."

Happy again, you said you wish it would work out for me. Why? And how? Is it possible? Why wasn’t it for you? I have sobbed uncontrollably in my car when I run the words "help him end the pain." I had thought of it before and you wrote it. Help him end the pain. It is sooo hard Happy again. Soooo hard. Its almost like saying goodbye to my father all over again. He was in the ER. He was unconscious and in pain. And one day I prayed silently and said "God, let it be your will." He passed away the next day. I want no one to feel sorry for me. My past should be no excuse for my present. I am merely stating that this will be the hardest decision of my life. To let him go so he can find happiness again. I sooo want to see him happy again at any cost. I will be shattered but...

written by GuyWithInfo, 09 January, 2012

Emprox –
And Happy New Year to you too! You questioned how things are going – I think my current approach is making headway toward my own happiness. I am focused on what I want for my children and myself. I think she has noticed that I am not looking for her approval, or even for her to appreciate my choices.

She seems to be noticing just in the sense that she is not being so combative with me. In rare cases, she is even doing things I would want her to do in the relationship. That’s nice, but I still know she’ll betray her family in a minute if there’s a chance to look good.

As for New Year’s Resolutions, I continue to set goals and march toward them. I guess the latest that coincides with the new year is that I am not spending much time here or anywhere that is tied to the the pain and hurt of it all. I think I’ve figured out enough of "what is wrong." Instead, I’m focusing on continuing to make things better.

Good to hear from you – continued best wishes.

Hope1 – I continue to check in on your story. I wish I could see inside his head to see if he is just taking a strange course to recovery or if he is trying to manipulate the situation. Or perhaps he doesn’t believe it was emotional only? Not that emotional is not serious, but does he think it was also physical? I wish I could just tell you the solution, but I can’t. You seem to be strong and are getting signs of an eventual resolution. I continue to wish you the best.

written by random45, 10 January, 2012

Hi hope
I agree with you why not now? If those are the things that make you happy and feel like they give him some happiness you should absolutely keep doing them. Even if you didn’t always do them before. If you don’t learn from the mistakes of your past you are doomed to repeat them. You are the a good women and I hope your husband sees you for what you are before its to late and there has been irreparable damage to your relationship. You will be a good wife for someone if it doesn’t work out for you, I am not religious more of an agnostic so praying is not my thing, but I hope it works out for the best hang in there. How was your weekend?

I had a particularly strange weekend I came home friday and my wife was still up but was getting ready to go to bed and asked me to come lay down with her and hold her till she fell asleep. Which I did of course and it was the start of a good weekend I was sick so I was miserable through spurts but overall very good. But all weekend she keeps asking me what’s wrong and other than being sick everything was fine. Yesterday morning she texts me while I am at work and asks me again what’s wrong so I tell her everything is fine im just sick and ask her what she is so worried about she said she is afraid that I am looking for excuses to leave so I told her again (third time now) the only reason I would leave her is if she is still seein/txtn/talkin to him. She didn’t respond and didnt answer when I called her when I talked to her later she didn’t say anything so I just left it alone. We laughed and flirted and held eachother all weekend where did this come from? We went out yesterday and I made her laugh til her face hurt it was fun. Is she suddenly feeling guilty or is she trying to make this my fault if I do leave her. I thought about what you said and confronting him is not an option because sometimes violence is the answer and this is one of those times so if I just don’t put myself in that situation its better for everyone. I can’t remove her from the situation because it only happens when I am at work I have to work. I will take your advice and take the vacation I will not look at the phone bill till 2 weeks after we get back if she is still in contact with him then it is done even if it means she blames me for everything and makes herself the victim that will be the end. Until then let’s see what happens.

written by Hope1, 10 January, 2012

GuywithInfo: I am strong but weak at the same time. Without him my world crumbles. I am learning to stand on my own. You are not the only one that wishes to see inside his head. This is the reason I joined this site. Figured it would be best to find men that have been hurt to understand slightly what might be going through is mind. Happy again made very blunt analysis. If he is the general consensus I’m afraid I have to learn to be much stronger and let go... I don’t know if this is his way to come back to me. I pray it is so. He has always been a tooth for tooth kind of guy. But this is most definitely not a game and don’t know if he will be able to withstand the storm. Don’t know if I will. But I’m here, moving fwd day in and day out. Some days much heavier than others. Thanks for reading. Don’t know why but its good to know someone is is there to read.

written by Hope1, 10 January, 2012

GuywithInfo: The text he received was pretty graphic and therefore he full heartedly believes it was physical. He needs to do whatever it takes to come back to me. Even at emotional I can tell you I tried to pull back. But I wasn’t strong enough. However, I know i tried. I know I did. I think this is the same struggle Random’s wife is having.

written by Happy Again, 10 January, 2012

Hope1,
I am sorry for responding late, kids, work and life keep me pretty busy.
First to answer some questions. If she had stopped at the three month I would definitely would still be with her, no question. (I’ll provide some more details of my ordeal later). I found this site by accident, I’d like to think I am past my ordeal and already taking steps to move on.
I also feel like I may have been too blunt and I am sorry if I hurt or offended you, but I was trying to give you an insight into a man’s simple brain and thought patterns.
Now for my story, I’ll try to be concise and provide enough background info. It’s been 4 years total since I found out about the emotional affair, been separated for almost 2 and divorced for almost a year. It all started with my ex asking for a divorce, it completely knocked me out. I asked her to attend counseling, asked her why? She was distant. It never occurred to me that it was an affair, I trusted her blindly. Two months later I get some transcripts and find out that she had been texting with a married guy from church. Now it became clear and I had an answer. A very painful answer, but to a guy an answer, any answer is better than...I don’t know, I made a mistake, I messed up, etc. Men crave a logical and solid reason. Anywho, we sat down and talked about the texts where she promises love and wanting to be with him. She says she was just messing around because he started it, and she wanted to get even. I don’t buy it, but I am willing to work on it and ask her what she wants to do. She "re-commits" to the marriage, and spend the next months communicating and re-connecting, it was bittersweet for me because in my head I was hurting but I gave it 120% to make it work, I loved her, I loved my family. She was also trying hard and had began to do things that I’d always asked for. She wasn’t a great home maker and I was the one that did most of the cleaning, taking care of kids, groceries, bills, etc. She started doing laundry, cooking, reading the bible, attending woman’s bible studies, etc. While I loved to see her doing it, in my mind it felt like she was just doing it because of the affair. Again to a guy, everything and anything comes back to the affair, I know it sounds weird, but that’s the way we work. It’s almost as if we are looking for things to argue about and be miserable, or try to make our spouses miserable so they can feel our pain. THEN, I check the phone records and I see the guy’s number again, I ask her about it and she says that he started again. I call the guy and he tells me that my ex is the one that sends him texts and that he doesn’t want anything to do with her. Again I confront her with the information and she denies everything, but I am feeling the pain again. From there on it just got worse. She became very erratic, mean and abusive. I put up with 8 more months as she got worse, going out, drinking, not coming home, etc. Meanwhile all I did was pray and ask for God to show me the way, to give me an answer. That’s when I decided to separate and to work on our problems, she agreed and things just got worse from there. On her days off she would party and drink while I stayed with the kids more and more. Eventually I found that she was sleeping around and that’s when I decided to ask for a divorce. Long story short, I got divorced, full custody of kids. She got pregnant by a random guy she picked up at a bar, remarried the day after divorce was final, moved out of state, husband left her, don’t know where she lives or what she is up to. Text or calls sporadically, still blames me for everything or professes her love and wants to be a family again. So that’s why I say it was hell while it lasted.

written by Happy Again, 10 January, 2012

Some answers, hopefully the above helps explain my decision to end it. I have not dated since and truly believe that I need at least 2 years post-divorce to even consider a female friend or a relationship again. Guess I’ve been hurt, but I am working on healing and finding myself again. I don’t think I would fall in love or even look for a friendship with the ex, I still love her, but my love is for the person that she was, not what she became. I also got the "stay for the children" from family, friends, church, etc. But given the circumstances, it wasn’t possible. She eventually walked away.
On "he will see differently", sometimes we tend to look for excuses to stay, that way we don’t admit to what we really want. He needs to want to stay with you, for you, not for the kids, or the bills, or the house.
I loved the counseling session, I opened up, I cried, I am very much in touch with my feelings and very honest. Very aware of what was happening. Do you get a different vibe from your husband? I think he is not the sharing/feely type, he needs to get it out or it will continue to hurt him, a good counselor can do that.
If you were my wife, I would stayed because you obviously recognize the error and are willing to work on it together. I didn’t get that from my ex, she admitted it but don’t really think I got a true "sorry" or regret.
I would never try to play an eye for an eye, it just silly. 2 wrongs don’t make a right, and I would hate to have caused my ex the same pain that she put me through. Although, from reading other posts back in those days, it seems that women are more willing to forgive cheating.
I like your ER analogy, end his pain meaning help him work on a solution, moving on, start working on opening up and a decision. He cannot stay and hold you in limbo. That can only last so long. Offer full transparency, tell him that he can ask any questions and that you will answer them from your heart.
You say you created this hell, this mess, yes I hear you and you are aware and very hard on yourself. But, you already did admit and own it, if you told him all this, no need to put yourself down anymore as he knows it. He is the one choosing to stay in that painful state, not healthy for him nor you. You don’t need to be a pain, or worse tell him to get over it..LOL. Try to find ways to ease into a conversation and begin communicating again, talk about happy memories, bring back the times before the affair so that he remembers those and it helps him blurr the present.
My lunch break is over, I’ll continue later.

written by Hope1, 10 January, 2012

Random,

As I read one word after another I started to smile. You are both trying. You question her motives, she questions yours. Its a beautiful dance that hopefully will end in an embrace. Oh please give me her number. Let me talk some sense into that woman!!! LOL. I vouched never to let another fall into this crazy deception. She needs a true friend to strip her from it. Something good has to come out of my horrible stupidity.

She was in your arms this weekend. She laughed hysterically. She adores you. Her texting with other does not take away from that fact. I know it doesn’t make sense but trust me. I gain nothing for telling you this. Now her actions are completely different. Here’s a bit of insight into her mind or at least my mine. She questions you because she feels it... call it sixth sense. She notices you. You are building your confidence. She notices and she likes it. She sees who you were when you were dating. Confidence. She cuddles with you and purrs, "I’m afraid." That is a fragment sentence. If there is more going on she is begging you to free her from it. How? I don’t know how. But she is begging. Some women (I know I do) see a father figure in there husbands. She cuddles in your arms because she wants to be protected. She misses you and is vulnerable. The texting if its going on fills the void. Most women need affirmation constantly. Not elaborate vaca’s and gifts. She won’t come out and say it because she is afraid. Afraid you will leave. That means something Random. It does. Otherwise why would she care. Why wait for you to get home and cuddle with you? You say I’m a good woman. I think you have a good woman yourself. She is just weak!!! Like I was. I may be wrong and tomorrow you will tell me "bullshit." But I pray I’m on to something here. I know work comes first. I have to as well. But make time. It doesn’t have to be a vacation. Maybe just a day off. Random day. No pun intended. Just a random day and see how she acts that day. Ugh Random I pray it works out for you. Meanwhile, you and I can kick around ideas until we are blue in the face.

written by Hope1, 10 January, 2012

Happy Again,

So glad you came back! I understand business. As I read your story I kept tracing back one sentence. Your first to second post are very different. Most of my questions to you don’t apply anymore i.e. "Would you fall in love with her all over again?" Wow! Thing is she thinks she fell in love. She gave up on you. And probably the reason you are divorced. Otherwise I think you would still be "happily married." I think. She gave up and left everything including kids. Wow. There is not much you could have done. I’m sure you miss that person you fell in love with and I’m sure it will take you time to recover and some day pray you will give love another chance. Thing is I have read many that go through this, divorce, only to end up in another situation quite similar. Anyway, just some bluntness.

About bluntness; no worries. You did not offend me. I need that straight talk. I do. I need to feel the truth sting. Its simple and straight to the point. Hurts like hell but does not offend me. If anything it makes me feel good because I hurt slightly of what he is hurting.

Men crave logic. Interesting. That is what he said when he said, "Moving fwd is logical... so we move fwd." I don’t understand. But ok. I would have preferred we move fwd because at the end of the day I love you or end of day you... anything but logical. But yes logic. Thing is sometimes logic is also deceiving. It was only logical for me to fall in love with this other person. But I didn’t. Why not? Isn’t that why its called emotional affair? Why am I an exception? My answer, because I was trying so hard to get out of it and II never wavered from loving my husband. Is that logic? Doubt anyone would believe that a year later I am in love with my husband. Will I be in love after this hard year? I think so. But is that logic?

The kids deserve it. Yes they do. I fullheartedly agree that they should be a strong factor for us staying together. Yes definitely. But not the main factor. I have asked him to stay for me. Not for the kids, the house, etc. For me. I know that is hell risky considering that right now he hates me. But its best to state it. Stay for me. So that tomorrow, God willing, I know he is with me for me. And if he can’t. That’s ok.

No he is not the sharing/feeling type. Or at least I’ve never known him to be. He has teared a few times since I’ve known him. No crazy crying of any kind. Thing is I have always admired his control over emotions. Even now he has only been explosive with me a few times. And I welcomed those moments because I saw the pain come out.

He believes it was a full affair. I can’t defend myself because he needs to judge based on his logic. If this was going on for some time what would be the logic?

Anyway Happy again, I also need to run. A few more sentences of where I am today.

I decided to journal my thoughts, feelings, prayer, logic, this year. Its a daily journal that has a good reflection of the day based on bible versus focused on couples. Its really good. I plan to journal this year so that I can look back and... don’t know. Will see where that goes. This week I opted to stay quiet. I have said I stand still. But have I? This week I will stay quiet. He is a very good man. I don’t deserve his goodness or righteousness. I am not trying to sound sappy. It is true. He’s hurting guys. I can slightly comprehend his pain. I go through mine now. He is trying to figure this out. Hopefully he sees me in his future... in his arms.

written by Happy Again, 10 January, 2012

Part2
Bored or taken for granted, it doesn’t matter to a guy. Don’t worry about trying to explain this to him, because no matter what, men will feel like failures. It’s a control thing, we somehow feel guilty, like we didn’t try hard enough, we weren’t exciting enough, did not provide enough, or we didn’t see it coming, we blame ourselves because we are problem solvers. Kuddos to you for preparing a hot meal, I wasn’t aware that you worked. So I take the "why now" back. He is living in hell because he chooses to, don’t blame yourself for that. Just give him time, but not years...
No sex? mmm, maybe for some time, but guys need that physical connection. Have you tried seducing him? make him want you? he still loves and wants you. Nothing better like make up sex. Don’t give up so easily, and don’t give him a chance to get with others. Not right.
Don’t be so negative towards yourself, I appreciate your wishes for me to find a woman to fill my void, and I hope that comes at the right time, but for now I got two beautiful children to take care of and life keeps me busy. It was hard, but I remained strong in my faith and got more involved with church and religion instead of getting angry and upset at God for letting it happen, and I am glad I did, otherwise it would’ve been a bigger mess. There were times that I wanted to get even or just go out and date just to see if it made me feel better, but I had kids and a family to take care of. That’s another question, is your husband a Christian, practicing or Sundays only, or none at all? this is important.
I have the upmost respect for you because you truly regret what happened and are willing to go through so much to make things right, and believe me from the heart, don’t put yourself down for what happened. We don’t know why things happen. But to leave all negative things aside, I also heard of some marriages that became stronger because of an affair, and I think one like yours may be a good example.
I am sorry about the loss of your father. I can see how you can feel the loss again. I wish it works out for you because I think your experience is minimal when compared to mine or other horrible situations, and your husband needs to see that. Not that it wasn’t bad, but it could have been a lot worse and you can spin that in your favor, as in "I was strong enough not to become physical because I love you and only you" A little dramatic and maybe deceiving, but that’s what would work for guys. Sooner or later he will realize what he has with you and he would be a fool to let you go, especially knowing that you are truly repentant and are willing to work with him. Too early to think about letting him go if you still want to fight. Be more aggressive but in a subtle way, keep trying, be humble, but don’t take abuse or rudeness, he still needs to see you as a woman, confident and sexy. Be positive and let time heal him but he needs to make an effort as well. He may need a push if he gets stuck. It is possible, unfortunately the ball is in his court and he needs to make the decision. Let me think about what I would’ve liked my ex to say or do for me to make things better or help me move and maybe I can share it in hopes of helping this forum. I like to share and offer advice and was very active when I was going thru my own problems, I do this hoping to help couples reconnect when possible (your case) or to move on, on extreme cases where it’s obvious that the relationship has become toxic and dangerous, but the final decision is an individual one.

written by Believe2, 11 January, 2012

I have read so many stories here and my heart goes out to all... Hope1 you remind me so much of my wife and I. We both are 35, successful and full of charisma. We’ve been married for 10 years and have no children and we have survived infidelity thus far. My wife and I had an emotional affair on one another.

My wife emotional affair happened 2 years into our marriage and I forgave her. We moved past it and about 4 years into our marriage it happened again. I was going to get a divorce but friends/family and love keep me from divorcing my wife. I can say: At that time I truly forgave my wife again and never brought it up nor made her feel bad about it. Not once!! My goal was to become more loving and compassionate toward my wife. Not a day went by where I did not look wifey in her eyes and profess my love for her. I made it my business to make her my best friend and cuddled her every night. I got books about marriage for us to read and even engaged in weekly conversations with my wife about the material. Loving my wife is what I lived for and was damned if my marriage was going to fail.. Things were not perfect but really good between us. We were friends again, loving on each and our careers were really going well.

I experienced the biggest heartbreak 7 years into our marriage when I found myself having an emotional with another woman. Although, sex wasn’t involved in any of the affairs!!! This woman fell in love with me deeply and had all intentions on breaking up my marriage. It was the biggest mistake of my life because not only did I hurt this woman!! I hurt my wife deeply to the core and myself!! I know my wife deserved it but "You never conquer evil with evil." It just don’t work! Just get a divorce to maintain your integrity.

The wife and I have cut all ties with those individuals and I mean all ties and have promised to never do that again. We both have learned valuable lessons and a lot about ourselves. My wife and I have deeply apologized and have put the past behind us because at one time we hated each other. It was toooo much pain involved!!

We are currently having the time of our lives. We talk about everything from business, politics, religion, money, fears, temptations, lust, pride and fantasies. Sex is amazing again!! My wife is like a victoria secret model.. She always wears the sexiest stuff to bed. I always wear sexy briefs for her to!! We shop together, we text, we pray, we laugh, date each other, respect one another and cry together. We work hard to keep it very positive and spicy. Just the other day the cops caught us banging others brains out in the car. LOL!!

Do we have our issues??? Yep!!! My wife and I know that betrayal can come in at anytime. Everyday we have to fight off the ego’s and pride together. You have to work hard to stay in love daily because nothing is guaranteed!! I’m all about reconciliation but only when it’s sincere!! Marriage in Love is one hardest things to maintain but it can be great if two people are willing to fight for the greater cause. Who knows what the future holds but never live out of your emotions because emotions change daily. Infidelity is never a good option but communication is because people aren’t mind readers. Forgiveness is long a and hard rode but it possible!!

My wife and I only share our story because we are living proof that you can work threw anything when you fight for each other and not against one another!!!

written by random45, 11 January, 2012

Hope
I’m not calling bull shit on your optimism but I think it maybe a little premature. Its only been a couple of weeks and if she was that afraid of losing me she would have completely stopped all communication with the other guy. I am going to take it one day at a time. I am sorry I do not share your optimism or buy the justification that she is weak she isn’t doing this on accident she knows what she is doing and knows the consequences even if she doesn’t want to acknowledge them or accept them.
You said the text ur husband got from the other guy was pretty graphic enough that your husband believes it was physical. Was he forwarding him txts that you had sent to him or just talking about your relationship? Were you sending him pic/vids that would make it look worse and if you were what stopped u from just sleeping with him? If iam prying to much I apologize I am just curious u don’t have to answer if it makes u uncomfortable.

written by Happy Again, 11 January, 2012

Random45 and Hope1,
Random45 is right, not sure how graphic or deep Hope’s emotional affair was, and this plays a big role in a man’s head. Our minds get really messed up because we can imagine much worse than reality, specially if we didn’t get the truth from the start.
Random45 I commend you on making the decision and waiting some time before making it final. Divorce is the last thing I wish for anyone, but unfortunately is the last resort if cheaters don’t want to change their behavior. It’s disrespectful and painful, and we can only take so much. I also did the wait and give her one more chance but my ex made the wrong choice and chose instead to sleep with a guy (not the guy she was testing mind you, it was a random guy) while we were separated. That was my answer and I filed for divorce right away. One legal advice for everyone out there, if there’s adultery in your marriage and you forgive, then you can’t claim adultery should you decide to divorce later. The legal system has no winners, everyone loses, especially if there are kids involved.
Here’s something I’ll try to paraphrase, I remember reading it somewhere and it happened to me.
Your marriage isn’t over when he/she yells and screams.
Your marriage isn’t over when he/she fights.
Your marriage isn’t over when he/she promises or lies.
Your marriage isn’t over when he/she cries or changes.
Your marriage IS over when he/she looks at you as if you were dead.
This is what happened to me. I cried, fought, mediated, supported, forgave, loved and did everything I could. But one day I just felt this calm when I made a final decision, I knew it was over, I felt this emptiness on my gut, a void in my heart, that’s when I knew I had to let her go. After that, I did not get mad, I spoke to her in a very calm way (whereas before I would get mad and argue). It took time but slowly I started to miss her less and less, 2 years later I still miss her, but not 10 or 20 times a day like before, maybe once or twice a week when something reminds me of our times together. Hence the Happy Again screename. I am truly experiencing happiness again.

written by Hope1, 11 January, 2012

Today was a busy productive day! Just now taking a few minutes to respond. A little about me. Yes, I work, have little ones, and do all the house work. Then I go and do something stupid. And its all over. I can’t say that my good qualities should be more than enough to write off my stupidity. That is for him to decide how heavy he weighs it pros vs cons. He is an amazing man that helps out with everything. So trust me although I wear the multiple hats; so does he. We met when we were both in serious relationships and young. We both started something before we left the others. So that plays with his head. Thinking a cheater always a cheater. Ugh!! Stupid of me to say but its different now. Does that make sense?

Ok on to responses:

Happy Again: Yes, I wear so many hats and I do it happily. Unfortunately the fine print of my great report includes this stupidity. And I was cooking before but not as much as I do now. My priorities were a mess. Someone once told me "God, husband, kids, work, extended family, friends." If you fall short of that priority list something will fail. I did fall short of it. But am working daily to regain this. Now I can’t seduce him. He is very much in control of himself. And stops me before he goes there. And if he is already seeing others then seducing him is near impossible. I see what you are saying but I feel he needs time. He is not to be pressured. He will decide with time. Even if that means being out there. He is a non practice Christian. Very faithful but this might have caused him to lose it. Yes, please let me know what you would have liked. So your wife slept with one guy? Thought you said she was sleeping around? If she would have slept with the first one during the three month ordeal would you have still tried if the aftermath would not have occurred? And I hope I’m not dead to him.

Believe 2: Thank you for taking time to write your story. In this heavy fog it brings me hope. You both had emotional affairs? How long were they and why and how do you know it wasn’t physical? Did you hate your wife to the point you didn’t think you would be able to love her again? For how long? Do you find yourself thinking about these horrible moments and wonder? Sounds like you have a healthy sex relationship with your wife... does it involve others? How did a woman fall in love without physical? And I can relate. I think this other person fell in love. Or better said was infatuated with me and my life and wanted to destroy it because he couldn’t have it. Does that make sense.

Random: Yes, my positiveness must come from me trying to stay upbeat for two reasons. For my little one who emulates me and for me. But I really don’t think your wife grasps how devastating her world will be once you leave her. The text was the other telling the story of how we had been dating and how we... blah blah blah. No pics cause there were never any. And no forwarded texts. But it wasn’t pretty. So I can’t blame my husband for doing whatever he needs to feel... I don’t know. You guys should know.

written by Believe2, 12 January, 2012

Hope,
Thank you for taking time to read my story. I’m glad that it brings you hope! Yesterday was a great day for my wife and I. We met at Starbucks to discuss our future plans and I must say: WOW!! "SHE LOOKED AMAZING!!" Later, we went out to eat and looked into each other eyes, as we laughed about all the silly things we did throughout our marriage. Our communication and chemistry is rather amazing!! It’s like we are falling in love all over again. The night ended entangled in bliss!! Our pain has become our joy and have changed our lives into something amazing!! We are truly grateful for one another.

Just wanted to share that before I responded:

Hope: Yes!! My wife and I had a emotional affair for many months. We have discussed every detail because I believe you have to be completely honest as the betrayer and the betrayed. My wife had an emotional affair because she never felt accepted by me and she was rather selfish at the time. In which, I understood why she felt that way. My emotional affair was out of complete retaliation and utter selfishness. I was a love addict and my attitude/pride as a man was "How dare you betray me!!" My alter ego got the best of me. My ego led me into a world of hatred toward my wife and myself. I really didn’t hate my wife to the point of never loving her again. "I just wasn’t in love with her anymore." My hatred was all about her act of betraying me and it lasted for about 1 year or so. In my eyes, my wife was on a pedal stool as my trophy and she had just removed herself off the mantle. She had disappointed me in a major and unpredictable way...

Hope: The other woman really did fall deeply in love with me and the concept of us being together. Why or how?? Because remember, I wasn’t in love with my wife anymore at the time!! Also, I was at my highest level of arrogance, flirtation and spent countless hours lying/talking on the phone to this other woman. I opened my wounds to this woman and talked all about my success to her. Also, this other woman and I worked together, so having sex was never an option. We could have lost our jobs. Hope1, people love what that cannot have because of selfishness. I always knew this young lady and I could never be together. You have to end one relationship to enter a new one or you will find yourself cheating on the new person, unintentionally!! Habits will always follow us, it’s only a matter of time before it manifest out of us.

Hope: Yes!! My wife and I do have a very healthy sex life together. We work hard to keep it very spicy, very sexy and very spontaneous. We would never allow others to into our bedroom or sex life. We aren’t interested that!! There are way to many risk involved and the results could be extremely catastrophic!

Hope: Yes!! My wife and I often find ourselves thinking or wondering about the evil we put one another threw. In those moments, we always talk with each other about how we feel to sooth the pain. We always keep open lines of effective communication between us with love and great support. We never allow our past to block our potential future!! People invest alot of time and energy into affairs/cheating. Aren’t our wife or husband worth that kind of investment!! No matter how you feel never allow your emotions to override your intellect. Marriage has a host of challenges but it really takes understanding, respect, selflessness, honesty, compassion, forgiveness, communication, teamwork and real love to make threw these extreme adversities. There’s always hope but only when a husband and wife are pushing together and not against each other!!! Take one day at a time but never stop watering your marriage or it will die...

written by random 45, 12 January, 2012

hope
I dont know I dont think there is a right answer but I dont envy your position. Self destructive behavior although may make him feel better wont help you put your marriage back together.

written by Hope1, 12 January, 2012

Believe: thank you for sharing. It really lightens my day. Last night was extremely hard and followed through into this morning. But in the evening things soothed a bit. I see sooo much of me in your story. So much. It’s almost like its a nice story written by God to give me hope. I have faith that this too shall pass. But rite now I’m broken and challenged every day to smile. Smile knowing he hates me. Smile knowing he’s pouring his energies into another. Smile knowing... Too much... Too much. It hurts for him for me for us. This is the in-between. This is the test. Will we be able to break through this storm... Together and stronger? Tell me more believe. Lighten my load.

Random, how r u my friend? Pray all is going good for you. Enjoy her kisses.

written by Hope1, 12 January, 2012

Believe, you made some touching statements. She never felt accepted. I felt that way but it wasn’t true. I felt it but that’s on me not him. I felt ugly compared to him. He’s beautiful inside out. Ego getting the best of him. Yes. I think so. He’s pouring his energies to feel free. Pouring his energies on others. Is he not in love with me? And how can he fall back in love? And you said you met for Starbucks. Are you separated? Is your wife back on the pedestal? And you said to not let emotions get the better of me. I have to remember that because these days we are a ticking time bomb. We take everything so serious and continuously question each others motives. Should we explode every now and then? If one of you would have slept with other would you still be together? How do I water my marriage when he’s not turning towards me?

written by Happy Again, 13 January, 2012

Hope1,
I also read and heard about the priorities, "God, husband, kids, work, extended family, friends.". I may have taken work as a 2nd priority after church and when I realized it I apologized to my wife and kids in front of the church and worked very hard to keep my family first. So I understand how sometimes we can stray.
Don’t say you can’t seduce him, you know him well and know what he likes. I am not saying behave like a tramp or demean yourself, but be sexy, flirty and play hard to get. Make sure he feels special, man can be very weak especially with the woman they still love. I don’t think he hates you, he is just confused and the pain keeps him from opening to you and "risking" falling in love as deeply again. I believe that as long as there was no physical contact and he is able to finally believe it, there’s still hope. Do NOT allow him to see others, you have to make him understand that it is not the right way to "even" things out. This can be very dangerous because betrayed man will pursue sexual pleasures and adventure beyond anything they ever dared to try or do at home, and some women are more than willing to fulfill their fantasies. This can further confuse a guy, they can feel happy and realized, even think they are in love. Not sure how you or him feel about this, since you mentioned a threesome before. Maybe your relationship is a bit more open so this may not be as big an issue then.
As far as my Ex, it is amazing the stuff she put herself through. When our problems started I found out she was also abusing alcohol, I attended Al-Anon meetings, which is a support group for spouses of alcoholics, that’s where I found out how to look for hidden liquor in the house and red flags to look out for, sure enough she was drinking and hiding it. When we separated, she had no control and began to go out with friends and get drunk. I wasn’t aware of any of this, but she would stay at friend’s homes and forget to get the kids for visitation. Eventually one of the friends told me that she got drunk one time and left the bar with a guy only to return the next morning and tell her she had slept with him, she did it again with other guys, but that was all I needed to file for divorce for adultery. My last hopes of reconciliation died when I found this out, as she was no longer the woman I thought I knew and married. So yes, it wasn’t only one guy and who knows what else she did, because after I filed for divorce I stopped all communication with her since she had gotten an attorney. You ask is she had slept with one guy during the three months, if I would still try? My answer: No. Having sex constitutes adultery and legally, morally and biblically, this is grounds for divorce. To a man, this is also a huge hit on his ego and self esteem. Again, there’s no excuse to cheat, and even worse for adultery.

Believe2,
It’s nice to hear your story of reconnecting and sharing. I also experienced the same joy and love of rediscovery and pleasure. This was after I confronted her with her first infidelity. We had a great year with some ups and downs, but unfortunately things went bad. Hope that things work out for you and your wife and that love keeps you guys strong and happy together. There’s no better feeling than knowing you are in love again.

written by Believe2, 13 January, 2012

Hope,
Thank you again for taking interest in my story. Yesterday was yet another great day for my wife and I. We had an amazing conversation!! The topic was as such; "What If" we would have left our marriage to be with the person we were having our emotional affair with?? "WOWZERS!!" My wife answered first. She said: My life would be a complete and utter disaster right now. I knew this individual was a compulsive liar and womanizer. He would be cheating on me with other women and I would have traded in my husband on a downgrade on so many levels... I answered: My life would be terrible because it would have been built on emotions, lies, betrayal, hurt and deceit. This woman knew I was married and still pursued a relationship with me. She was a compulsive lair, shallow and trust would have killed every opportunity for our future. Conclusion, never allow your emotions to override your intellect. Because although affairs may be fun for a moment, the other person is only giving you a glimpse of who they really are and how good they really could be for you. 97% of those relationships never workout because they are built on lies and deceit.
My wife never ceases to amaze me!!! She is truly winning my heart, respect and love all over again.. She’s my baby!! LOL

Just wanted to share that before I responded:

Hope: Yes!! My wife and I are currently separated and that’s only by mutual choice. Separation is a great option because it gives you time for discovery and development. In our time of separation; my wife got her masters degree, became principle of a summer program, joined support groups, matured as a woman and became fashionably sexy. I myself have built a beautiful home, business, matured as a man and gotten closer to my family. You see, most people do the contrary. Like! Destroy each others credit, have multiple sex partners, increase negativity, gain weight, quit on life, induce addictions and even become suicidal. My wife and I don’t wanna move prematurely. We’ve seen to many marriages reunite and never really deal with the core issues of infidelity. Infidelity is like an addiction that destroys trust, love, respect, communication and intimacy. It takes complete honesty and complete forgiveness to fully recovery. Together with tender hands we are taking one day at a time...
Hope: No!! My wife isn’t back on that pedestal yet. But she is doing all the right things to earn that spot again. My heart breaks for her (my eyes tearing up now) because she never really meant to hurt me. She’s my wife, life partner and confidant. She had a complete moment of selfishness as so did I... But she really is my "BABY" and at some point she will be my world again. One day at a time..But she is doing all the right things!!
Hope: Yes!! You are allowed to blow up every now and then. Remember you have to do it with grace and respect though. And never say anything out of emotions that you don’t mean because it could be used as a strike against you. You said you all take everything serious and question each others motives.. This matter is extremely serious and it’s gonna be an emotional roller coaster ride for a very long time. This is where most couples give up and walk away. But both parties have to really want to make it work and for all the right reasons. Not because of kids, money, status, sex, ect.. But only for sincere love and true fidelity. You cannot do it alone!! Trust me, my wife and I have been there and tried that... Remember, I keep saying "My wife and I" It takes two people to build a bridge of love together...
Hope: Yes!! I probably would be with my wife if sex was involved. I must say this though. And I’ve explained this to my wife with utter sincerity!! I will never say something to you "Hope1" that I’m not willing to tell my wife. (Here goes) I am in such an amazing place of peace, awareness, self-respect and complete honesty in my life. I will never allow a woman to disrespect nor cheat on me ever again!! I would instantly walk away with no questions asked. Never will I allow my emotions to override my intellect ever again. We teach people how to treat us. You have be happy and great to yourself at all times because at any point people and things can let us down. Your husband may or may not be involved with entertaining another woman. He could be just out having fun and enjoying life. You have to focus on your inner peace because at any point he could say: "I want out!!" You cannot allow that to completely shatter your world.
Have your husband and you ever discussed rekindling the marriage??
Sorry if my responses are to long.

written by random45, 13 January, 2012

Hope
I have been exactly where you are and it sux!!! its a very lonely depressing place to be. Fighting or having blowups doesn’t help anything especially if your constantly fighting about the same thing. If he is doing something that upsets you and hurts you you should by all means tell him but if its the same thing over and over there is no point in beating a dead horse he already knows it hurts and just doesn’t care. You want what little time you spend together to be happy so lead and don’t take everything so seriously find something to laugh about break the tension and be patient. I know from experience how hard this is I failed epically at this quite often. You sound like your getting deeper into depression and that makes me sad for you wish I could do more to put a smile on your face to help you cope. What do you call an honest lawyer? Unemployed lol =)

Things are going very well for me right now I don’t know what happen but they feel different suddenly in a good way. Maybe your optimism wasn’t premature im hoping it continues only time will tell but I have found myself in a much happier mood of late and am going to make the most of it.

written by Believe2, 14 January, 2012

Happy Again,
Thank you for reading my story. I truly sympathize with you about your marriage. Great to hear that you gave it a honest try. Unfortunately, marriage can take a turn for the worst and have to end. My wife and I are experiencing something rather amazing right now! Together we’re pursuing our marriage with a new found love and respect for one another. We always try to fight for each other and not against one another. I agree with you because there’s no better feeling than knowing you are in love again. Thanks for all your kind words!! May the the next chapter of your life be filled with amazing opportunities and greatness... One day and one moment at time!!

written by TellTheTruth, 15 January, 2012

Yeah, the next chapter of her life would be amazing because she already knows how to cheat on her husband.
Hope1, you need to tell your husband the truth. You are writing all this stuff here hoping that one day your husband would read it and see what an amazing person you are, but since you are human you slipped. One year!!! How could you cheat on your husband for one full year? You are really really cold hearted. Did you not remember your husband even once while you were with the other guy during this one year? Looks like your husband is a very smart guy. Maybe some fools (not all fools) would’ve believed your story of not being physical in your affair of one year. So, you and the other guy were just sitting apart in privacy and talking about love all the time for this one year? The truth is you were physically intimate with that other guy but since you know that your husband would never accept you back if you confirmed to him that you slept with the other guy you started all this drama and I see that some fools already bought into your story here. You are the worst kind of woman. I will still respect the women that told the entire truth than people like you.

written by TellTheTruth, 15 January, 2012

Hope, if you want to have your life back you need to tell the entire truth to your husband. Looks like he did not buy your story of not being physical with the other guy when the affair lasted one full year. Any smart guy wouldn’t.

written by WhatAmIDoing, 16 January, 2012

I’ve read all the responses on here because I can relate. I’m here because I am so confused and don’t know what to do. I feel so STUPID!

I caught my wife (married for 11 years) having an affair (2 months ago) with one of her Facebook friends which lasted 3 months. I guess I was so busy with work and kids (3 small children) that I didn’t see any signs. We both work outside the home. I wasn’t really suspicious of anything until one day something told me to follow through on one of her "early to work days". She lied to me saying she had to be to work early. Well she wouldn’t answer her phone or respond to text messages that morning so I drove to her work to see if she was at work. She wasn’t at work. Well I confronted her that evening and she denied everything. I later suspect this was innocent but she got so caught up into the secret life that lying became second nature. That night she started talking about getting separated, etc...

Over the next day I started to become aware of her behaviors. She would not let her cellphone out of her sight. She would take it to bed with her at night while I was working on my computer. In fact, she’d even take it into the bathroom when she showered. I started to pay attention to her thumb movements when she went to unlock her phone. I started to mimic the movements on my phone until I figured it out.

Every morning she would leave her phone unattended either in her purse zipped up or on the night stand next to the bed. Well I got up every morning when I heard the shower turn on and started getting on her phone every morning. Every morning for the first 4-5 days it was completely wiped out. The text messages all gone which is when I knew something was up. All of a sudden one morning she forgot to wipe out her text messages and I hit the jackpot. I proceeded to take out my cellphone and take a picture of the messages.

Well I didn’t confront her at all and wasn’t planning on doing so. I immediately contacted an attorney. I was going to just file for divorce and have her a$$ thrown out. I wanted to have law enforcement file papers when she was at work. I wanted to humiliate her as well.

Well the night before I was about to file divorce I came into our bedroom with her sitting on our bed on her phone. I got pissed off because I thought.. "The nerve to be sexting in my house"... I attempted to grab her phone away from her but she wouldn’t let me. She started saying I’m crazy and paranoid. I said, "Really? Well hold that thought." I pulled out my cellphone and read back to her the text message between the two of them. Her jaw hit the floor. I proceeded to call her every dirty name in the book. I managed to get her cellphone during this process. Sure enough she was sexting him while I’m laying in bed with her. They were talking about the big date they had planned together the upcoming weekend.

Well after a 6 hour conversation that lasted until 5 AM we decided to stay together and try to make it work. I now have second thoughts...

We went to one counseling session in which the counselor laid into her big time. I was nervous as heck to go because it was a female counselor. I was expecting to get lit up saying I’m a horrible husband. To my surprise it was opposite. My wife claimed it was just an emotional affair but the counselor dug into the relationship and found out they had met for lunch a couple times in which they kissed. The counselor lit into her saying she had a full blown physical affair with another man.

I am not a perfect man or husband. I have never claimed to be perfect. Could I have done things differently? Yes! Am I doing things differently? Yes! Could I have been a better husband? Absolutely!

She says I never make her feel like she’s beautiful.

Why am I still angry and bitter? Will it ever go away?

She won’t go back to counseling. I even went to several individual sessions because I thought it was me.

Part of me just says MOVE OUT and MOVE ON but my kids faces are burned into my mind.

written by Hope1, 16 January, 2012

I’ll make this short and general. I am in tears... broken. I come here because he does not want to hear any of this. I respect his wishes but had to find an escape. Somewhere I could type as I cried (as I do now.) Etc. I take to heart all comments and agree with TelltheTruth. Who would believe such a thing. A year? Nothing? There is so much more to this story. But I don’t care to detail it here.

TelltheTruth: I respect your words and thank you for your bluntness. You have no idea what it is doing to me right this instance.

GuywithInfo, Random, Happy Again, Believe, Is this how you feel but could not let yourself write something like TelltheTruth.

TelltheTruth: How is it that I am a good woman but failed miserably as you have stated? Explain to me how someone can see good in something like that?! How can someone hold hope. I will not fight what he believes. Where do I go from here?

(wiping tears and smiling) so much for keeping it short.

written by random45, 16 January, 2012

Hope
I don’t think you have lied because I have don’t see what you have to gain. Sympathy from random strangers that you will probably never meet from all over the world. Maybe your a compulsive liar that needs all the attention you can get I don’t know you except by what you write and I don’t believe that. Nobody here condones what you did or would fault your husband if he had decided to leave. I am here just like you looking for support and you have given it to me so I will continue to give it to you. Everyone screws up not everyone tries to fix it.

written by TellTheTruth, 17 January, 2012

Hope1, maybe I am young and stupid and blunt and I am not into being formal when lives are at stake, but do you intend to tell us that you and your husband are into sharing, swinging, threesomes or whatever and with this particular guy you’ve developed an emotional relationship? In that case, both of you are responsible for this situation and he just cannot punish you like this. Actually, the blame lies with both of you and it is unfair that you take the entire blame onto yourself because was he so involved with his life that he couldn’t even see that his wife is drifting? For one year? Or is he just plain dumb? What are you to him? A piece of furniture at home? Even the furniture gets taken care of regularly. Looks like it isn’t a healthy relationship at all.

What’s done is done and cannot be undone. It is high time you stopped bashing yourself and look to the future. Your husband should do the same – stop crying and start thinking about the future. He should either kick you out or stay with you and get over it and not talk about it EVER, even in arguments or fights. There is no third option.

Where do you go from here? You had plenty of time to think about everything. What are you afraid of? You have a job, you are very intelligent and articulate. Why don’t you go to the other man? If the other man is someone that is not good enough for a long-term relationship there are still plenty of men out there. Life is short and you cannot spend it like this. This applies to you as well as your husband. Yes, there is no guarantee that this won’t happen to you both again with others too in the future since looks like the world is full of dumb people, but you guys have already made your choices when you’ve crossed the lines. I am blaming your husband too for ignoring you or taking you for granted and trusting you and the other man around you very blindly.

1. People, if you cannot commit don’t get married.
2. From what I’ve understood so far in my life, looks like literally every relationship goes through cheating provided there is an opportunity, so everyone should lower their expectations of their spouses/partners and should expect that their spouse/partner is going to cheat one time or the other.
3. If you are going to cheat (applies to everyone again) make sure you are cheating with someone that you can go with leaving your spouse/partner behind. If your spouse is not able to make that decision to leave you, you make it for them.
4. Before cheating if you felt cheating is just sex, don’t feel guilt afterwards and transfer the guilt and pain to your spouses and the kids by telling them. If you have to die of guilt, just die or leave your spouse/partner but don’t be selfish and transfer it to your spouse/partner and the kids. You had your fun solo, now you face the consequences solo.
5. Don’t give the kids as a reason for sticking together and by sticking together for them don’t teach them to do the same later on in their lives. You didn’t think about them before, so don’t think about them after.
6. In case of emotional affairs, just go and marry/live with the other person.

You didn’t think of any reason for not cheating before you crossed the line, so don’t think of any reason for sticking together after you’ve crossed the line.

written by random45, 17 January, 2012

@ whatamidoing
the only person that can answer that question why am I still angry and will it ever go away is you. Can you let it go and start over? Give it sometime and really think about it the best advice I got was don’t react in the moment take a few months see if you still feel like this if you do then maybe you need to move on. If you are living in a bitter hostile environment and constantly fighting or treating your wife poorly everyone will be better off especially your kids if you move on. There is no right answer your not abandoning your kids by divorcing your wife and improving your life that way. Unless of course you do actually abandon them and don’t do anything to spend time with them. And your not weak or a sucker for staying with your wife and working it out. If you are going to stay you have to find away to come to terms with what went on and then just let it go. Its not easy but its up to you. The one thing I don’t recommend is sticking around to make your wife suffer because she isn’t the only one that will suffer your kids will suffer and it wont make you feel any better.

written by random45, 17 January, 2012

Tellthetruth
u seem to have very strong opinions on the subject of cheating. What brought you to this site? One thing I have learned over the years is that women derive just as much satisfaction in the emotional side of a relationship as men do from the physical side. Women are emotional creatures by nature men are physical. This is why I really don’t have any trouble believing hope only had an emotional affair. It not really as easy as u should just end it because you had an emotional affair and personally I don’t believe its the same as a physical one. Life isn’t as easy as black and whit there are so many shades of gray. Not every relationship ends up with someone cheating but after a long time together what used to come naturally takes effort and a lot of it and the monotony of life sets in in with work and routines and ppl lose track of how they are treating their spouses its not on purpose it just happens. Most women don’t consciously seek out an affair and alot of them would tell you it just happened one minute they are just bull shitting with a friend next thing they know they are sharing intimate details of their lives with this individual and looking forward to the next time they can see or talk to that person. Then the lying starts because they crave that attention that they didn’t even. know they were missing. A lot of women regret their affairs and almost never stay with the person they were having an affair with if their relationship does end.
believe
congrats on reconciling your marriage what steps are you two taking to make sure once you resume life as a full fledged married couple to make sure this thing doesn’t rear its ugly head again.

written by WhatAmIDoing, 17 January, 2012

@ random45

I totally know where you are coming from.

"Can you let it go and start over?" – At times I feel like I can let it go and start over. However, she doesn’t make things easy because at times she seems really chipper.

Our marriage was never hostile or abusive. We probably just took each other for granted.

My bitterness comes from the fact that at times in our marriage we both were not happy. We were probably just skating through life. Well even in the times that I was unhappy I never went outside the marriage looking for someone else. The things that were said in the text messages between her and lover were very devaluing as a human being. I read those things and it tore my apart. They were personal attacks by both of them. He even made threats toward me to her.

I want to put it behind us but fear that I may never get over the bitterness or anger.

Someone told me once... "Don’t become bitter because it will soak into your bones and turn you into a bitter man"

written by Hope1, 17 January, 2012

Today I promised I would take care of work before I read and wrote. I am proud of me. Now on to a few unanswered questions from you and some suggestions to others.

Whatamidoing: Sounds like she thinks she is in love and is ready to let you go. You tried counseling and are willing to continue to go but she is not. Again, sounds like she wants out. But you don’t. Angry and bitter is normal and takes time. But like Random says, "It’s up to you, ,how long?" And I agree again with him when he says at some point you need to decide. I’m paraphrasing here. Don’t beat yourself down and try to find an answer. Work towards tomorrow. Do you still love this woman? Do you want to make it work? And when is enough enough? Only you know.

Random: I am trying to fix it but in a subtle way because he is not ready to lay a finger on me. He does when I go over and beyond to show him through actions that I adore him but its usually a touch to my hand or a kiss on my forehead. And even that is glory to me. I see that he is trying best that he can. Or is he just trying to keep me sane? Don’t know. I asked him to stop thanking me for all the good things I do for him because it sounds like he is saying goodbye. Does that makes sense? And is he? How is your wife doing?

TelltheTruth: Sounds like you think I was being sarcastic when I said thank you for being blunt. I sincerely meant thank you. Bluntness is my favorite form of communication. I am being sincere. We had a threesome involving my best friend. It happened a few times and her and I are still true friends. No hard feelings. We visited a few gentlemen’s clubs. Blah, what I am trying to say is its always been girls. This other person has never met my husband and pray he never does. Enough with our own imagination than to put a face to it. I am a workaholic and spent most of my hours at work. I don’t have time to go out and enjoy time for me. Work is my place. So there was no dating scene. I know its hard to believe. This person filled a void that I didnt know was there. I had multiple busy hats to wear and this person just saw me. Does that make sense? My fault completely but that is how it happened. Again, too much and no time to detail out. I tried to get out of it from the beginning but... but I don’t know. I couldn’t because this person would get angry and sometimes cry like a baby. Not exaggerating. Said he would do anything to have me. I couldn’t find a way out. I am not playing victim because it was my fault for opening that door. But sometimes I wonder how much of it was me and how much of it was the stupid little girl inside me that grew intimidated. Ugh, don’t know. So going to him is out of the question. And more so out of the question because I am in love with my husband. There were no feelings attached to this other person. None. And I don’t know why. But there weren’t. Most women in emotional affairs do get attached. I didn’t. You say stop crying and face it. Yes, I agree. I forget sometimes how much of a girl I am. Tears are not meant to make me sound remorseful more than I already am. I dont expect support because I cry. That is why I don’t cry around him. If my husband cant decide I should make the decision? Hmmm. to be debatable. Don’t stay for the kids. I have to say I totally agree in the superficial and selfish way. I agree, it does no one any good to go that route. But as a mother I can tell you it is a high factor in this situation. It is not easy to strip them of a family. And not fair.

As far as him. I know he’s out there. I know this. Day in and day out he is talking, going, doing... not certain on the doing but definitely all else. But I can’t put it past me. Am I ok with it? No, but yes. Because at the end of the day I am in love with him and see the bigger picture. This is my best friend that I have wronged in the worst way possible. It is my conscious decision to stand still and hold his hand as he goes through his own journey. And I pray that at the end of it all (as he has stated) he will come back to me. Can that happen? Guess I will wait and see.

written by random45, 18 January, 2012

Hope
I don’t think he is trying to say anything goodbye by constantly thanking you. Maybe he feels a little guilty about how things have gone lately but isn’t ready to take that next step. Maybe he just wants you to know your not being taken for granted in spite of all your troubles. I have started thanking my wife a lot for the things she does around the house and for me and that’s why I do it so she doesn’t feel like a maid or a house keeper.
As for me things are going well she goes out of her way to do stuff for me I am struggling to keep from checking up on her. She has been very lovey with me even getting upp and changing where she was sitting so she can sit next to me and cuddle lots of kisses and hand holding im pretty sure she is still texting him (gut feeling and it hasn’t been wrong so far) so I am not sure what to make of all this. She is sick the last almost 2 months so no sex but she has been talking and hinting around that she is looking forward to getting that back on track so its going very well I don’t know what I would do if I found out she was still texting him or what I should do but I said I would give her til after our vaca and that is what I fully intend on doing unless something major happens.

written by TellTheTruth, 18 January, 2012

@random45 – It was a stupid argument/discussion with one of my friends as to who gets laid more men or women that brought me to this site. I said women get laid more but they don’t admit to the numbers and men tend to exaggerate their numbers and he said men get laid more and during the course of the argument he said women are not even sleeping with their husbands and I said they are not sleeping with their husbands doesn’t mean that they’re not sleeping with someone else. After that we were on the various search engines on this topic and I ended up on this one and couldn’t stop reading. Btw, I still believe women get laid more and also cheat more than men.

@Hope1 – I believed you when you said thank you for being blunt and you are very welcome. I am one of those people that don’t believe in wasting time or energy in searching for hidden meanings when people say things. I have to admit I don’t get it right away most times when people are sarcastic with me, but I really don’t care.

I believe you when you say you are not attached to that other person. I don’t think any woman will fall for a man that is emotionally weak and unstable.

I pray and hope your husband lets you back into his life since you seem to be very genuine and forgive me for saying this, but I think the only reason he won’t is if he is dumb. I think he will and he might already know in his heart that he’d taking a big chance if he thinks he can find someone like you again. Keep us posted and all the very best.

written by random 45, 18 January, 2012

@whatamidoing
to not only have an affair but to then talk shit and out you down is pretty low. You said her being "chipper" really bothers you why is that? why is she chipper? have you asked her why she decided she wants to stay with you if she disliked you so much to put you down? theses answers might help you with your decision.

written by WhatAmIDoing, 18 January, 2012

@Hope1

I’m not sure if she’s in love with this other man. I know for a fact she has severed ties because I called his wife. He’s got a wife and two kids. I called his wife because I would want to know if roles were reversed.

I’m willing to move on but I don’t think she is ready. When I try talking about things and telling her how I feel she gets upset. I told her yesterday that we need to go back to counseling because I have things I need to say. I even said that if we don’t go back to counseling I’m not sure it’s going to work out. Her response, "Is that a threat?" I was like... "What? It’s not a threat. I’m just telling you that we have more to talk about."

She told me yesterday that she doesn’t trust me. I said, "What do you mean? I have done nothing to make you not trust me. I have been honest and faithful for the last 11 years." She says, "Well recently you’ve started working out again and it’s really weird. I think you’re doing it because you want to leave and start dating again." I said, "What are you talking about? I workout because it makes me feel good and takes my mind off things."

I admit my exercising and weight loss may seem weird but it’s all healthy and good. In the last two months I’ve lost 25 lbs. People ask me how I lost the weight. I don’t tell them the truth... I just say working out and running. If I told them the truth it would be... "Catch your wife having an affair... then let me know when you feel like eating." I’m not starving myself just watching what I eat and lots of exercise.

Anyway, she has two friends that I classify as "man haters". One is married but constantly complains about her husband to my wife. In fact, my wife has told me that she’s been going on dates with guys behind her husbands back. This is the person that planted the seed in her head. I will bet my life on it.

I still love my wife and I feel like she loves me. However, the problem is that in my eyes it’s a different love. I love her because she’s my best friend, lover and an amazing person. She loves me because we have three beautiful kids together, we’ve built an amazing home and she really loves the family.

My biggest question to my wife is always:

Our kids are just treasured guests in our home. We will love them, nurture them and guide them through life. Some day they will move on and start their own families and lives. All we’ll have is each other. When that time comes will you be happy with me?

written by random45, 18 January, 2012

Tellthetruth
I don’t know if women get laid more but they don’t have to put any effort forward to make it happen when they want to all they gotta do is show up and some one is always willing to give them some no matter what they look like. most women are much more picky then men when it comes to who they sleep with. so it could go either way. And I think the cheating stat is closer to 50/50.

written by Believe2, 18 January, 2012

random45,
Thanks!! My wife and I try to talk about everything to prevent any hidden surprises. We also try to have respect and show honor toward one another. One day at a time because nothing is guaranteed be it what we have been through. Although, my wife and I are having a great deal of success in our marriage. She truly understands that there is no room for error anymore. I will never tolerate someone cheating on me again nor will I be that person to the cheating. If you have to cheat on someone then you shouldn’t be with that person. I’ve gained to much respect for myself and will never allow anyone nor anything strip me from my dignity again. We teach people how to treat us. The heart is to fragile to be played with and it’s a long rode to recovery when it gets broken. I know people aren’t perfect nor is the grass greener on the other side. I choose to live my life to the fullest because at any point things can change. I will never allow my emotions to override my intellect again.
I see things are going well in your marriage now. Congrats to you!! May your marriage continue on a positive path and be full of great moments. What steps do you and your wife take to prevent failure from happening again?

written by Hope1, 18 January, 2012

Another proud day but oh so much work. Ok wrapping up the day so here are my two cents before I run to pick up my kiddos.

Random: She cuddles and kisses on you. What does that provoke in you? I can’t get closer than five inches of five seconds because he gives me the "I detest you" look. I envy your wife right now. My goodness. Here I am thirsting for a touch and she has it. I pray she has done a 180 and realizes what she has. If she has turned to you, will you eventually be in love all over again with her?

TelltheTruth: Women vs Men and you googled and found this. Here is some truth. I was not out looking for anything. Yet, it found me and I couldn’t shake it off. The other person seemed to admire me but now I think he envied all that I had. He reached out to my husband and destroyed his world. I know I’m the worst for opening that window but who does that? He could ruin me but not him. UGH!!!! So back to women vs men. You never will know who has more. But you are being way to superficial on this. Its much more complex. Guess it was a fun topic for you and your friends and now here you are finding out there is so much more to it and lives do get ruined. Probability of one of your friends ruining or been ruined is probably high.

Whatamidoing: I do believe your wife was in bliss and probably in love/infatuated with the idea. Then you told his wife. She is very upset that you did that. And is probably wishing this other man would leave his wife. Don’t know. But her actions don’t tell me she is there for you. Why would you destroy another person? I know it sounds right to say, "Well, I told her because I would want to know." Would you really? If you could take it all back and not know would you be superficially happier? Don’t get me wrong I understand the "right to know." But was it your place to tell that poor woman that was happy in her world? Don’t know. I can’t side either way but now she’s ruined too. As far as me I have decided to live off the motto of "ignorance is bliss." See, I know my husband is out there. I know too much that it hurts because I caused this malicious chain reaction. And I have decided to not look, search, etc. I can’t. If I do I will be miserable and that will not be good for our future. I love that you want to do counseling. I would say "Lets go!!!!" Clearly she is not ready to come back to you. I completely understand the weight loss. I have lost so much that I’ve had to buy some clothes. So now I pig out end of day to try to gain weight.

Guys: I know what I want but I don’t know how to go about getting there. And is it what he wants? This evening will be difficult. I need to find a constructive hobby that will exercise my mind and body. I thirst for him but because I can’t have him I enjoy feeling numb; I’m sure you are familiar with that wonderful feeling. Tonight will be difficult... but somehow I manage to make good dinner, a cake, clean house, kids happy... etc. And plant a smile on my face. Sorry if all this sounds like gibberish. I am usually much more eloquent. But right now... I’m just tired.

written by TellTheTruth, 18 January, 2012

Hope1, the other man didn’t envy you, he envied your husband. I think he saved you by telling your husband, otherwise he could’ve blackmailed you for the next so many years that he would tell your husband and could have used you. You told us you were not able to get rid of him. I think you were lucky that he got rid of himself for you. I think these things cannot be hidden forever. Sooner or later they all come out one way or the other.

Yes, it was a fun topic for us, but we also realize that there is a very high probability that it could happen to us.

As of now I might not feel even a fraction of the pain that all the people that were cheated upon feel, but trust me my heart bleeds for all these people and I feel extreme anger in my heart that people could do it to their loved ones.

written by random45, 19 January, 2012

Believe2
the biggest to things we are doing are date night once a week and a vacation just the 2 of us nothing exotic or big just something to get back 2 us every once in a while. We try and keep date night from becoming predictable and boring ( went to a hockey game last night together) we also try to keep home time fun card games and little things to avoid the only time we spend together being if we are watching tv together. I agree that you shouldn’t tolerate cheating but circumstances differ case to case. If it weren’t for the fact she had lost 3 loved ones in less than 3 years I don’t think I would have stayed with her through it but at the sametime I don’t think she would have tail spinned out of control if her situation would have been less dramatic.

Hope
I never stopped being in love with her. The issue moving forward is trust not love. Even if I would leave her it would be because I can’t trust her not because I don’t love her. I think all the cuddling and kissing is great it reminds me of how things were before this.
The million dollar question for you hope is what does he want. We know what you want you know what you want he knows what you want but it doesn’t matter if its not what he wants. At some point its a conversation you need to have with him and it is a scary thing because you don’t know what he will say but at least you will know where you stand. Until you are ready for that conversation just keep doing everything you can to show him how much you love him and want to be with him.

In one of you earlier posts you said you had started to pull away from your husband and ignore him when he started to get the sense that there was something wrong. If you were trying to break things off with the other wouldn’t that have pushed you closer to him instead of further away from him?

written by WhatAmIDoing, 19 January, 2012

@random45
That talking shit about me was very low. Things were said in those text messages that made me feel like garbage. I’ve never thought of suicide ever in my life until I read those things. Now, I’m okay because I realize I am a better person. I’m an honest, caring, hard working and loving man/father. I can live with myself no matter what happens. I would depict her emotions as a roller coaster. One day really chipper the next pissed off but won’t say anything.

In our conversations at the time of me catching her was, "I love you but I’m not in love with you!" Now, she has since stated that she’s fallen in love with me, etc... The problem: I’m not sure I really see it and if this is it... I don’t want it.

@Hope1
She may have been in bliss or infatuated which I can accept. I’ve stated before I’m not perfect and never claimed to be perfect. I try every day to become a better husband and father.

I told his wife because I would want to know. The derogatory comments were also directed at his wife. I didn’t do it out of revenge but because I didn’t want him lingering around. After I told his wife he contacted my wife and spun the whole story to make me look bad. Saying I was angry, manipulative, scheming and pathetic. Saying I was going to eventually hurt my wife by doing the same thing. That’s when I realized I did the right thing. I was pissed when my wife actually sided with him about the phone conversation and allegations that I was angry, etc... She didn’t know that I had my conversation on speaker phone at work so a friend could hear the conversation. That’s when she realized this guy was playing her and was out for sex not a long term relationship.

I believe you when you say that you don’t believe she’s in the marriage for "me". She’s in the marriage for the family, kids, dog and big house.

Would I be superficially happier if I didn’t know? That’s a great question... I would say No! I had and still have issues with my wife and intimacy. She’s not very good at sex. I realize this is a very touchy subject with a woman so I make subtle hints. At times I don’t feel wanted sexually. I’ve tried everything in the book... porn, toys, oils, baths, doting on her, buying clothes, buying gifts, etc... My latest scheme... for us to take ballroom dancing lessons. It’s a lot of fun. So even if it doesn’t work out with my wife I will know how to ballroom dance. I just want once for her to turn to me and say, "I really want to make love right now!" This isn’t something that just started happening. This has been going on for years. The only time she’s ever really "begged" for sex is when she was ovulating. Sometimes I thought it was me that wasn’t very good at sex. Not sure I’m buying that... no details needed at this point.

About the weight loss... I do like buying new clothes.

Hope1 and Random45 – thanks for reading and responding.

I have this saying in my head that I want to share... I think of this when I’m thinking about my wife and her affair.

"The hallmark of psychological maturity is ambiguity... some things are just inexplicable."

Basically, I’m going to live in the Now not in the Past.

written by Hope1, 19 January, 2012

TelltheTruth: You mentioned he envied my husband and not me. I can agree to that but there were convos w this person that lead me to believe he also envied my life. I did try many times to stop the convos but he would cry, etc. He would become crazy possessive and would question my whereabouts. To some point stalking. Again, not trying to play victim but it was scary. I played with fire. Never will do that again. Every weekend I had to find time to text him because he said he would have panic attacks. He would tell me he would reach out to my husband. He felt I was pulling away and he said he had a panic attack when he reached out to him. Did I want to put my husband through this pain? Hell No!!! It was not about getting found out for me it was about not causing him the pain he is feeling now. But yes, I agree, it was good that he did this to himself because I was drowning. I just wish it would have occurred some other way. If I didn’t want my husband to suffer then why did I do it? That is a very complex question. But you are just not in your right senses. Its stupid and deceiving and it reels you in.

Random45: Million dollar answer to the question is that he wants to move fwd. He has told me this. But he also said he would get me back and he is. But then what? His way of moving fwd is not healthy but I accept it because what I was doing was horrible. I know his way of dealing with it is somewhat frowned upon but I am surprised at how well I am able to cope with it. And I respect him for doing what he needs to do to come back to me. I pray that is the reason for his unleashing. Some of you take to counseling and dating. He wants his time to do as he pleases and then... maybe only then do we have a chance? I dont recall stating that I pulled away? Hmmm. If I did I definitely didn’t mean the way you imply. Hmmm. I know I tried to tell him many times but I just couldn’t bare hurt him that way. I remember many times starting to open my mouth then stopping. UGH.

Whatamidoing: Sounds like you want the things I wish my husband would want. But your wife plainly does not want to. She is angered at the fact that you told the other’s wife. She truly believes it was vengeance. Thing is; I wouldn’t be angered. It doesn’t make sense unless you accept that she is not and does not love you. Things are inexplicable but most are pretty simple. We just need to realize it and accept it. But personally, I pray she is just still so very blind.

written by random45, 19 January, 2012

Hope
I may have been mixing up elses your posts with someone elses sorry bout that.

written by WhatAmIDoing, 20 January, 2012

Hope1

Your husband may eventually come around. Two things that would indicate to me someone has moved on... Does he wear his wedding ring and does he still live under
the same roof? I think he’s probably very bitter and angry which no one can deny. Coming onto this site and talking about it will be very therapeutic for you. I feel good when I have someone listening to me complain. I will bet that he still loves you. With that being said... do not stay around if you’ve experienced any abuse. I didn’t do anything wrong in my marriage but that doesn’t give me the right to be an a$$hole. If you strike a woman you are not a real man.

For me, I decided that by staying I would show everyone that finds out or knows that I am a faithful man and I am willing to eat some sh1t to prove I love her. I’m not "taking one for the team". I’m merely saying... I will forgive my wife and move on. I will work on being a better husband. I know I could have done things differently so I’m willing to try. If in the end it still doesn’t work I will be a better person.

I did not call his wife seeking vengeance. I honestly called because I thought it was the decent thing to do. I wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing this guy could pop back into our lives at any moment. I do have some regrets because I now feel I am a better person then he ever will be.. so if she left me for him... Good Luck!

I still have moments where I get very bitter and angry but not as much as the first two weeks.

I don’t think my wife is angry. She’s stated to me before that she’s afraid to say things that are on her mind. One of those things is that she doesn’t trust me. She thinks that I’m getting into shape so I can walk out the door and start dating. She’s even told me jokingly that I don’t need to get into shape because my playing days are over.

I’ve stated to myself and will state to her in front of a counselor is... "If you’re worried about me getting into shape and leaving you. Give me a reason to stay!" I already know what her response will be... "Is that a threat?"

Also, she claims they never had sex which I now don’t believe. I think this is one of the things that she wants to say but is afraid to say. Will that be a deal breaker. YES! Because that means she’s been lying about all of it. I would never trust or believe a thing she says again.

As I stated before... I think she loves me because I’m the father of our kids, she loves me because we have a beautiful home, etc... But she’s not "IN" love with me.

She may be blind... I think she’s just messed up mentally. I’m not a doctor but I think she suffers from postpartum depression.

At the end of the day... I need to look out for myself. If she doesn’t like all the doting, etc... I will find someone that does.

Talk later!

written by Hope1, 23 January, 2012

How was everyone’s weekend?

I have broken mine into two personalities; the confident me and the sorrow me. The confident me was extremely productive and happy! I was able to get quite a bit of tasks checked off and I had lots of fun with my kiddos. The sorrow me; well I save that for this site.

I tried to stay very quiet these past few days and he noticed the change. But I felt he thought I was angry or bipolar. So I decided to break the seemingly cold ice Saturday morning. I ran up to him as he was about to exit the door and hugged him from behind. He smiled. I held on to him in a hug and said calmly, "I’m not angry, I am just being quiet because if I talk to you I want to hug you and if I hug you I want to kiss you and so on. And I know right now you don’t want me to be close. So I am trying hard to respect that." He took that in; hugged me and went on his way. Did I do right or wrong in expressing this? Does it even mean anything to him? I don’t know but I know at least he’s not thinking I’m angry or bipolar. He’s been in a really good mood so I am thankful for her because she is keeping him smiling. If I can’t do that for him I am thankful someone is. I know, weird, right.

Whatamidoing: Well, the tall tell signs are there and have been for forever I guess. He has never been keen in wearing his wedding ring. He had only recently started to wear it. Yet, I wear it all the time. And I’m the one that wronged him. So I don’t necessarily believe in the ring myth. We pay too much importance to a piece of medal. Does that make sense? He was faithful without a ring. And now he wears it now and then even today. As far as moving out. Well, that is to be determined. He’s home but on separate bed. But he was already on separate bed before because he needed to sleep. As I type this it sounds very bad. Thing is it was seemingly good. I never pressured him to come back to bed and we were good. But I see black and white now and see how this was affecting me but I did not want to be confrontational with him and demand him back in bed and have him lack his sleep. Etc. Ugh, don’t know. What I do know is that one more week has passed. And we move on.

You stated you would leave if she did sleep with him because that would mean she was lying about the whole thing. Well she was lying. How would this one thing determine your position? Because you also stated that you want that one reason to stay. You want her to give you a reason to stay. What would that reason be? You said your not as bitter... does she hug you and you respond positively to that?

written by WhatAmIDoing, 23 January, 2012

@Hope1

Yes! Yes! Yes! If he smiled at that little gesture of hugging him. You just need to respect his space and go really slooooooow! I wouldn’t be so quick to think it’s another woman. He could be just trying to move on. I’m in a similar situation. I’m in a good mood because I’m tired of being bitter toward her. That doesn’t mean I’m having thoughts of leaving because I am.

I agree wearing a piece of metal shouldn’t mean anything. My wife wore her wedding ring and that didn’t stop her. I rarely wear my ring because it always irritated me while I was typing. Not wearing my ring didn’t make me want to cheat. Now my wife insists that I wear my wedding ring. However, I want to ask, "Why? A piece of metal doesn’t mean anything!"

He’s in a different bed? That’s okay... he’s under the same roof.

Think of it this way... if you can string together a couple good days you’ve had a good week. You string together a couple good weeks and you have a good month.

I would leave if she had sex with him because some of the things she said about me in her text messages would only solidify that I need to move on. She denied up and down that they had sex. I want to believe her but her actions are leading me to believe she’s not telling me everything.

I agree it may not mean anything if she did have sex with him because she was lying anyway. She could lie about having sex with him and that would be just one more lie.

All I’m asking is for her to show that she is interested in me sexually. I want her to want me. Since the affair I’ve initiated all the physical contact. She can say, "I love you!" until the cows come home. Those are the same words she said to him. So to me... just words!

I look at it this way. She is the one that had the affair not me. I’m willing to move on and build a stronger marriage. So far I don’t see the effort on her part.

This past weekend I went out with my best friend who lectured me about the whole situation. He thinks I’m being stupid for not thinking they had sex. He says I should move out and move on. He says all the signs are that they did have sex. She doesn’t want to admit it because she’s knows I would leave.

I’m done tippy toeing around my own house. I won’t do it anymore.

written by TellTheTruth, 24 January, 2012

@WhatAmIDoing – I think the problem with your situation is that your wife thinks that you are not going to leave her no matter what which is why she is behaving like that. She is taking you for granted. It is very clear that she doesn’t respect you anymore. If this situation is not rectified you are not going to get her love. She needs to respect you in order for her to love you and right now she doesn’t have any respect for you. I think she is with you now because of the kids and because no one else is available. The only way you can really get her respect is to make her understand that you can live without her and you could get someone better than her. She cheated on you, but still has the upper hand. This is not good for you. You should put yourself to be in a position to leave her anytime and let her know it through your actions which is when she will run back to you. Not fake it, but you should really be in a mental state to really do it. I am not good at explaining, but I hope you get the message. Right now she is not worthy of you, she doesn’t know it and you should let her know it somehow. Learn to respect yourself a lot more than you are doing it right now. Be confident, feel confident that you can certainly get someone better and that is when she will be after you. Right now you are clinging on to her for one reason or the other and she knows it. Even if it works for now that you stay together, one day she will repeat her actions. Respect yourself from within your heart more than you respect any others and that is when the others find you attractive, male or female. I apologize if I am blunt but honestly I don’t know any other way to express myself. I try a lot to not hurt others, but I think I am not good at it. I hope I am improving.

@Hope1 – Good to hear from you again and good to know your situation is improving.

written by random 45, 24 January, 2012

WHATAMIDOING
You will never know for sure whether she slept with him or not, and doubts will kill you. So if you really want move forward in your marriage with her you have to not think about it. If it is going to be something you are going to dwell on you will really make your life miserable. Maybe you should go away for a weekend and get your thoughts together and collect yourself and see if this is something you really want to be part of any more and than go forward with it no matter what your decision is.
Hope
Any progress is good progress keep it rolling sweetheart.

written by Hope1, 24 January, 2012

I sit at a mall this evening because it’s Wed. It will be a hard evening. But guess no different than other days. I am giving him the space he wants. Letting sort thru who we, I, he is. Meanwhile someone else puts a smile on his face. It’s nuts but I’m ok with that because I want him to be happy. So I sit here watching my kiddos run around and play and praying he’s having a good evening. But I am afraid. Will he leave me? Who I was and what I have become do not negate what I did. Will he leave me? Breathe... Time will tell. In this in between I stand still and become stronger for what’s to come.

written by Hope1, 25 January, 2012

Stormy rainy day. Mimics my "self" But that’s ok. Yesterday we had a great hearty laugh about an incident that happened to me. Then we talked a bit that lead to my humble question, "you are going to leave me, aren’t you." He looked straight into my eyes and after a short hesitation nodded "no." He then looked down and was about to speak but nodded "no." He looked up into my eyes and said, "We just have to learn to live with it. Its a part of us now. This topic will always be awkward." Guys, my ability to read between the lines is gone. And is there much in between the lines that I should try to read. There are two parts to this; if I was blinded to the fact that he is having his fun I would be so very gracious for these words. But I know different. So, are we moving fwd with his intention of always being in a one sided open marriage or will there come a time when he can commit back to me? It is unfair today to have this conversation with him. He has to find his way back only if he wishes to. I don’t want to pressure him. I don’t want him to be with me only because of family, etc. I want him to want me with all the good and this mess up. Is that too much to ask? Yes, probably. But its not my place or right to request anything to him. He needs to do this on his own. Right? Ugh so confused. I promised him and myself that I wouldn’t question him or pressure him. So I continue to keep to myself and speak only when spoken to. I am not in hell as it sounds but I do keep to myself. I don’t know how to receive what he said. Is this a good sign or?

Whatamidoing: I am so sorry for what she has done to you. I agree with TelltheTruth. She doesn’t seem to see how detrimental this is. My goodness, I would be at your feet. I am literally at my husband’s feet when I can trying to squeeze in a massage for him. But only fair that he doesn’t care for it. The ring holds as much value as the person gives it. I didn’t give it much value but I wore it. He gave us much value but not the ring. Now he wears it with no value... I think. I hate that she trashed you in her messages to the other. She is no worse than me but why would she speak evil of you. Why tell the other she loved him etc. I never did any of that. I praised my husband even to this other person. I praise him still.

TelltheTruth and Random: Don’t know if things are looking better or just simmering. I don’t want to just live through this. I want to be loved, adored, etc. He did... will he now? I don’t want to pressure him with any questions. Oh but I want to... I want him to come to me and hug me and tell me... tell me...

written by WhatAmIDoing, 25 January, 2012

@Hope1
He has stated to you that he is not leaving you. I would assume that is nice to hear. You will still need to work on him. He has said that he is not leaving and that should be sweet music to your ears.

@Random
I am willing to forgive and forget. I have been trying to do that for the last 3 months. However, she seems to be holding onto the past.

@TellTheTruth
I think you may be onto something. She’s made statements about wanting to get to that 6 month mark, etc... Like everything will eventually be okay.

To you three:
The other night I think I made her realize that I’m about to leave. She asked me what was wrong because I haven’t been very affectionate.. I just blurted it out... "I don’t feel wanted physically or sexually. I question my relevance in this household." Without being to graphic, I told her that during our sexual encounters she never touches me and just doesn’t seem to enjoy any of it. She says, "Well it’s completely emotional for women!" I said, "What? I bet all women at some point at least once said, I need sex now!" She said, "No way! You don’t understand women!" I said, "Yes, I’ve been with plenty of women."

I told her over the last three months that I have done everything she said was bothering her about me. I started doing the things that she wanted like being caring and loving. I took it as a challenge.

Here’s the things that I’ve taken on:
– I get up early while she is getting ready for work to feed the kids and get the kids on the bus. She said it was too stressful.
– I prepare all the meals in our house. I say meals as in real food. On weekends, it’s much more elaborate but during the week it’s like Tacos, Burgers, etc...
– I pick up our three kids everyday after school. Get them home and make dinner.
– I signed us up for Dance Lessons at a studio. We treat it like a date night. I find the babysitter on these nights.
– I took her to a play because she loves them.
– I tell her she looks beautiful, how nice she looks in certain jeans. I’m not forcing myself to do this rather just saying what I’ve always thought.

So I am making an effort to change myself to be a better husband and lets face it.. man! I really like doting on her because it’s sort of rewarding.

Well now she says all the affection and rewarding at times seems like I’m trying too hard. I said, "One minute you say I’m not showing enough affection then say I appear to be trying too hard."

So Confused!

written by Hope1, 25 January, 2012

whatamidoing,

Hmmm. Well, I would love it! But I think there is deeper problems there. Don’t know. In part its you and in part its her. Then there’s the "us" factor. So you are trying all that you can but where is she and are you working together?

Yes, he said he was staying and that is a great feeling!!! Because I certainly do not deserve him but I certainly want him!!!! Want him badly!!! However, he can change his mind at any time. And these days certainly emotions are on a high. I have not been touched sexually. Yea, I want him now! But will he desire me? Don’t know. Ugh we are such complicated creatures. Don’t do for her do because you want to be a better person. Hang out with your kids and do for them. She will want to be a part of that if you focus on them. Don’t create a list of all that you have done and tell her about it because it negates your change. Its not efforts for her... its efforts for you. And if she didn’t say it I will "Kudos for all the quality time you are spending with your kids!"

written by TellTheTruth, 25 January, 2012

@WhatAmIDoing – She seems confused too and doesn’t seem to know what she wants or doesn’t seem to realize what she has. She seems not open to you yet and so you are not able to impress her. You cannot impress someone that doesn’t want to be impressed. The way you say you are to her now, most women would kill to have a husband like you. You don’t deserve all that she is putting you through now, knowingly or unknowingly.

@Hope – I think the ‘someone else’ thought is affecting you more than you think it is. You should ask him if there is anyone else or do you already confirmedly know that there is someone else? I think at the rate you are going now you will get what you want from him in 3-6 months’ time. If you want to accelerate the process maybe you need to force yourself on him one day so that he pushes you away and then feels very bad about it and tries to make amends. LOL. Seriously, it might work now that he said he doesn’t want to leave you, who knows? I don’t know, but I think it is a good sign that he said he is not going to leave you.

written by random45, 26 January, 2012

Hope1
you are your own worst enemy you are independent but submissive. You are ok with it if he is out with another women because you don’t think you deserve him but you don’t want to be an open marriage. You are horny and need to get laid but don’t want to touch him because your afraid of rejection and use the justification that you want to give him his space and don’t want to pressure him. Damn it women why the hell would he give up his side action and come home to just you? He isn’t getting any at home and you don’t seem to object to him going out and doing as he pleases you take care of the house and kids and are at his call for anything that he wants. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. You gave him his space to come to terms and make peace and come back to you and he hasn’t. Put the kids to be early take off all your clothes and go get some action you know how to turn him on! So go fucking do it give him a reason to not go see her! Tell him how bad you want him be graphic about what you want him to do to you! He is just a man every man loves to have their ego inflated so inflate it. If he continues to go out with her (or you suspect he is) you need to talk to him about it. Don’t accuse him of anything or even bring up your suspicions about her tell him what you need from the marriage tell him the current arrangement isn’t working anymore and ask him if he can give you what you need. Until then don’t be shy GO GET LAID! You will feel better and so will he.

Whatamidoing
I have some legal advice for you. Don’t move out of the house the court views that as you giving up the rights to it and with the house usually go the kids. Get a digital voice recorder and start documenting everything you do around the house and for the kids. Keep putting the effort in but have a limit and be prepared if the time to leave comes because it sounds like she is just waiting for something better to come along and you are just there to fill the void till then. Sorry man its just the way it sounds to me right now maybe im wrong I don’t know her but be prepared.

written by Hope1, 26 January, 2012

TelltheTruth: Confirmed. What consumes me is his new mindset. Its not the confirmed one, or the others, its his new mindset triggered by my stupidity. Is it vengeance or he plainly doesn’t care? Is this the new way fwd... new life? Will he be 100% committed to me at some point or is this an adjustment I will have to agree to in order to stay by his side? All because I messed up!!!! It was me that tipped the first chip. Me. I know this. I am crazy remorseful and I will bare consequences such as these. But one day it has to stop... right? Or? He didn’t say he didnt want to leave "me." I highly doubt today he would consider staying with "me" because he loves me. Its unfair for me to say this but if he is not using words to say it then what am I supposed to think. Right?

I have full heartedly tried to wrap myself around him but I felt like a cheap whore when he pushed me away. I won’t try that again. I don’t want to speed up the process. I want him to take his time and come back to me when he is ready. Today, I take his words lightly because he is not ready to decide. One day he will. Will he tell me? He will if he’s checking out. He won’t if he’s seen the good of me and able to look past my stupidity.

Does this make any sense to any of you? Should he just let me go? Should I make that call? Is it too soon. I stand unwavered to my direction. Stand still as he finds himself and hopefully back to us in the process.

written by Hope1, 26 January, 2012

Random: I like your steadfast blunt message. I want him more than anything but not like that. Not him literally fighting me off. Guys are guys but he is strong minded and hurt. No? Yes. My goodness. He is shut down from me. Ugh! I know but getting him in bed does not solve the problem. He has to go his own way and come back only if he is willing to give "us" a chance. No? I get your point, I do. But is that what you would want? He is disgusted with me. Aren’t you or any of you with your wives? He won’t let me in. I have tried. I am not giving up but forcing him is not going to do any good. Been two months of nothing. Yea, I’m counting. Well... nothing for me. Haha. OK I have to grab some lunch now cause at the rate I’m going I will disappear once of these days.

written by TellTheTruth, 26 January, 2012

Hope – Are you guys going to counseling? If you are not, you need to asap. If you are, it’s not working. You cannot let him continue like this. Going by how you talked about your husband in your previous posts I didn’t expect him to act like this.

written by Hope1, 26 January, 2012

TelltheTruth – Counseling... ummm no. He will not agree to any of it. He is an exceptional man which is why this is so hard for him. He is also very reserved. So going to someone to talk about things like this is not something he would agree on today. I know his actions today are not who he is. But how else is he suppose to respond? He has stated he is not going to just be ok with it. He is going to get me back. In my mind I hear, "Maybe then, and only then, will we be able to..." Guys, don’t forget I wronged him first. He is only acting out of spite or plainly has lost all love/respect for me. Can this actually work? Or is all hope lost? On a lighter note; why aren’t you happy to see a woman suffer like this after what she has done to him?

written by TellTheTruth, 26 January, 2012

Hope1 – You ask how else is he supposed to respond? If he is not going to talk to someone that can help, he is expected to start thinking straight on his own and that too before every chance at reconciliation is lost if reconciliation is what he wants. He is supposed to respond in a reasonable manner. He should either leave you or stay and try to reconcile, not stay and cheat on you with others for revenge. By trying to get back at you he is not going to accomplish anything other than further damage the already damaged relationship. Yes, all hope is lost until he starts using his brain again instead of the heart.

It’s never about the gender, it’s about doing the right thing.

written by random45, 26 January, 2012

Hope
you don’t get it no one here has lost sight of the fact you started this little pissing contest we all know that you fucked up pretty bad and no one would blame the man if he left you. Its not his fault you got caught up an tryst with a coworker that was your own doing and he should be pissed at you and you said you didn’t care if he got a little revenge so he did but at this point it sounds like he is stringing you along. That’s all everyone is saying no one is making you the victim. The decision might have to be made by you. I spent 2 years living in the hell you are living in and it was hell I was angry bitter unhappy with everything I don’t recommend putting that much time and effort into one person to anyone I think I was a god damn moron for wasting those years could it turn out for the better maybe the jury is still out but part of me wonders even if we are at the beginning. Of making it all better and working it out was it worth it? I gave up everything I stood for as a man for this women I hated myself for a long time it wasn’t til I decided I had enough and was going to leave that I got back to who I was and started liking myself a little and suddenly she was back. I don’t know if that sacrifice was worth it time will tell I guess

written by Hope1, 27 January, 2012

Happy Friday! Yes, happy. Why not? Choose positive attitude for positive actions. I was thinking over what I have written in the past days and owe him some gratitude. After the pain that I have put him through he is still home. He is carrying on and helping out as best as he can. He talks casual talk and smiles more. He finds interest in tidying up the house and he is engaged in our life. He lets me hug him because he sees I need it.

Is he looking to reconcile after he has felt justified? Don’t know. Won’t know unless I ask but am I ready for the answer. Nope. He should either leave or stay but not in between. I agree but stepping into his shoes maybe this is his only way to move fwd today. He is a very down to earth and considerate man. Regardless, he’s hurt. Maybe this is his way to cope.

Random: Good. We are on the same page. About stringing me along; maybe. I put him through a year of this maybe he wants the same time back. At least that is how I am seeing it. Its not about the one slip its about the longevity. Does that make sense. Maybe he wants his year or so. And again, maybe he simply doesnt care. So I respect the longevity theory. I don’t think you lost yourself in the process of giving to her during the two years. I think you found yourself. Found a stronger person. Does that make sense? I know it must have been rough. Hey, I am living it right now. And it was harder on you because you didn’t wrong her. Or did you? Didn’t you sleep with one of her friends? Or am I confusing the story. Anyway, if you did I think it was arranged or something. I digress. Point is I don’t think your time was wasted. Looking back, you can see the scars where you grew stronger. Right?

I changed the pictures in the house to remove me. Only pictures of the children. I want to make home safe for him and not a reminder of me. Does that make sense?

I didn’t try to jump in bed with him. Guys, am I going about this all wrong. Put yourself in his shoes. Who am I to question him about his actions? Who am I to pressure him today? I understand the stringing me along part but today I don’t feel that I am being stringed along. I am patiently waiting for his return. Will it happen? That’s to be known. But I know pressuring will not help. Someone here said they agreed to move fwd but now had second thoughts. That is because you didn’t give each other the space needed to figure it out. I think that was What am i doing. Anyway to each their own.

I am a strong woman and will respect my husband through his journey of this catastrophe. At the end of the day I pray he is at my side with a new understanding of unwavering unconditional love.

Ugh yes, sounds sappy right. But I see it that way. I see the bigger picture. He is my best friend first. I cannot judge him or pressure him. Only be there for when he needs me.

written by WhatAmIDoing, 27 January, 2012

@Random45
Great Advice! In fact, I had talked to attorney when I first found out. My attorney said do not leave... ever! Because the court will see it as I’ve abandoned the house. I live in a no fault state so a judge really doesn’t care if she had an affair to cause this turmoil. I’ve already told her that I will never leave this house so she could move some guy in. Never going to happen as long as I’m alive.

@Hope1
Do you think maybe he feels partially to blame? Usually when a woman has an affair it’s because she’s not satisfied emotionally, physically or sexually at home. If he is planning on doing it back to make himself feel better... that’s low and BS! He’s not a man but a child in a mans body. This isn’t JR high. My wife had an affair. Fine! I have been looking at it in a positive light. I now know what kind of husband I want to be. I’ve always been nervous or afraid to say or do the things that came into my head because they seemed weird. Well now... I’ve decided I’m going to dote on my wife, kiss her on the neck, give her massages and tell her she’s beautiful. Not because I’m scared she’ll leave... but because it actually feels good and doesn’t hurt. I like the flirting.

To all:
We went to counseling today. I said all the things that I wanted to say which at times hurt her feelings. In short... I’m using the affair as a tool to motivate me to be a better husband and man. It’s like a large game of King of the Hill. She can either decide to be on top of this hill with me or I will just push her off. It’s her choice! This was not a threat. I have changed because of this affair. I am a physical contact person so I love hugging and kissing. I never thought it would be so refreshing to just do it even if your partner doesn’t enjoy it. I dote on her and I enjoy it more. If it doesn’t work out with my wife I know I will find someone that wants a spouse to dote on them.

written by Hope1, 27 January, 2012

Whatamidoing: All this time I thought you were misspelling the word "dote." Ugh. What a dork I am. I see now. And I have not been doted? I am the one that was always on him. I call him beautiful etc. BTW never called the other these things. Just him. But I never heard the words back. So as far as him feeling partly at fault. If he feels it he won’t say it. As far as I see he is angry at me not at my actions. He thinks its my character not my failure. With that said I don’t think I stand a chance. Good for you for going to counseling and opening up. She’s lucky to have you.

written by TellTheTruth, 28 January, 2012

@WhatAmIDoing – "I never thought it would be so refreshing to just do it even if your partner doesn’t enjoy it." You need to think about this thinking of yours and the sex you are having with her that she doesn’t seem to enjoy (by your own words). I hope these issues get addressed in your counseling sessions too.

written by TellTheTruth, 28 January, 2012

@WhatAmIDoing – "I never thought it would be so refreshing to just do it even if your partner doesn’t enjoy it."

^^I hope this above and the sex you are having with her that she doesn’t seem to enjoy (by your own admission) also get addressed in your counseling sessions.

written by JoeBar, 29 January, 2012

After 10 years of marriage we started to drift apart the past 3 years. She even told me she felt we were drifting apart, but i waved it off and said it was just because we both working full time and it was just a phase that would pass.

She started going out a lot and would come back at 7 or 8 in the morning, sometimes even later with the occasional smell of alcohol.

After a while she started to not only stay out on the weekends, but also during weekdays. This would massively affect my ability to work as i would stay up all night going crazy about where she was.

I confronted her a couple of times and asked here if she had another man, or another women (i was expecting everything at this point) but she said no there wasnt anyone else.

She had been wanting a new smartphone for a while and a co worker had an android milestone he said he didnt need that i could have. So i took it and gave it to my wife. But not before installing Google Latitude on it and adding myself to her friends so i could monitor her location.

I know this is a morally slippery slope but i had suspicions that something was wrong and i had to know.

So one night i caught her lying about where she was spending the night (she said she was at a girlfriends house in one city, but google latitude told me the otherwise).

Eventually she came around and confessed that she was with someone else.

then i stood up, left the house and sent her a text message "it’s better you’re not there when i get back"

I also took away the car keys (brand new car i bought for here just 6 months ago, so much for solving problems with gifts and money) and she’s using public transport now (something she despises and i had to do for the past 5 years, mind you my commute is 5 times longer than hers).

And that has been the end of it.

Ever since i’ve been living in Hell. I haven’t been able to eat, sleep or otherwise function properly for the past 4 weeks. The doctor prescribed me happy pills and sleeping medication but i’m afraid to take them.

I’ve also recently found out who she’s cheating me with and that the guy also has a wife and kids which makes the whole thing even worse for me. I know he’s just using her for a nice fuck and when he’s done with here he’ll probably dump her and she’s gonna be in a world of shit.

One day i came home from work to find she had taken the 42" lcd flat-screen, the camcorder and the digital camera. Not to mention the 1000$ Sony Vaio laptop i had bought her not too long ago.

My anger is becoming a real issue. I’m having these rage attacks where i go completely ballistic and start trashing the place and have already beaten my fist to a pulp (damn wooden doors) and i’m afraid what will happen if i return to work and have one of these rage attacks.

I’m in a real fucked up place now. I miss her like crazy and at the same time never want to see her stupid face again. I love her and care for her but also hate her with all my guts.

I holed myself up in my room (even dragged the mattress into my computer-room and sleep there now) and havent used the rest of the house since i kicked her out. I’ve been smoking insane amounts of weed since then just to keep myself in check.

I dont know what to do anymore. How could she have done this to me.

written by random45, 29 January, 2012

@joebar
time to move on boss. The how and the why don’t matter she is gone and you need to move on. Look into some counseling for your anger and possible addiction issues. Get some help you can’t do it by yourself. And if you don’t do it soon you are gonna find yourself homeless unemployed and in real trouble. Get professional help

written by mr me, 30 January, 2012

hi. well after 3 years of marriage i caught my wife cheating. immediately i requested divorce, she took my 5 month old baby and run to her parents house 300 miles away. for cpl of weeks she did not call or txt neither did i. after the guy who she was with told her that situation is complicated and he cant be with her she started calling me and wanting back. i said hell no. you got to know when to "hold’em" and when to "folde’em". once a cheater always a cheater., if you been cheated on let them go and watch them be miserable and beg you to take them back. you dont need partner in life who you cant trust. LET THEM FEEL THE PAIN. send them to hell.

written by WhatAmIDoing, 30 January, 2012

@Hope1
I think you do stand a chance w/ patience. I would recommend you both try to read, "The 5 Love Languages" together. I think it’s important for both of you to find out what each needs from the other. I’m guessing you were lacking something in your marriage for you to stray. No further explanation needed.

It sounds like you’re a physical contact person like myself. We like touching our spouse, etc... That’s what I mean by "doting". I will kiss her on the neck not because she likes it but because I like it. I would guess that if he did this back to you that it would light off fireworks. My wife does none of this so it’s frustrating.

She doesn’t think she’s lucky to have me. She’s only worried about her image right now. How will people perceive her and what she did? She wants to work on insulating the kids from it.

We went to counseling last week and it was tough. I had a crappy attitude because I’m doing all the things she wants but nothing is being reciprocated. She said my pompous attitude is what’s holding her back. I laughed and said, "Well I’m not going to let you destroy me. You had the affair, not me! I am a good man no matter what you think. I just want to be with someone that wants me physically, emotionally and sexually." Her response, "It’s always about sex." I said, "You’re correct! Because sex is what all living species do. They fornicate! Because humans have a much more advanced brain we do it to show our love." Got huge kudos from the counselor.

The counselor asked her, "Do you love him?" She didn’t respond. The counselor looks at me and I say, "She loves me like I love my dog. She loves me but she’s not IN love with me."

The counselor had very strong words for her. She told my wife that no matter how I treated her it would never be good enough because of her low self esteem. The counselor asked her, "What’s your response when he says, You’re beautiful!" My wife, "Well he’s just saying that because he wants something." Counselor.. "You set him up! He has no chance because regardless of what he says you will not be happy."

@JoeBar
I know how you feel. My marriage was heading in the direction but nothing on that scale. You need to move on. You did nothing wrong.

@TellTheTruth
Read what I typed for Hope1. Yes, it did come up in our session. The counselor told me to cool the jets. That I shouldn’t pursue her because my wife thinks it’s all about sex. I have said repeatedly that it’s not about the sex. It’s about the physical contact. I love running my hands through her hair and down her back. That’s not because I want sex but because I like the touching.

written by random45, 30 January, 2012

Hope
I’m confused. Let me see if I have this right you had an emotional affair with a man you work with that you were never physically attracted too or were physically intimate with that you gushed about how great your husband was to that you never told him you loved him or were interested in him being anything more than a platonic friend. Who then proceeded intimidate you into maintaining a relationship that you yourself said you were not interested in. Does that all sound about right? Something doesn’t work here either you are leaving out a huge crucial detail about what was going on or something because none of this adds up for me. Either you were victimized by this coworker and then persecuted by your husband to make you feel guilty about being intimidated or this isn’t really what happen. If you would rather not discuss it that’s fine I am just making an observation based on your posts here and the details you have put out there for us

written by Oldin, 30 January, 2012

ell in brief – I am not so far from the majority here.

In fact – 90% of the messages are close to me. In short.

I am in my late 20th (she is the same) We know each other for over 10 years and are together for the past 6. Past 2 years of those were not so good. I have seen her cheating on me with the very same man over a few times. So far, I had no evidence of any physical aspect of it, yet the phone messages / emails and no doubt personal talks were all too clear.

I did confront her, several times... I managed to get over that as it did not affect our bond too much. We got married last summer. A few month later I discover a bunch of a very personal messages on the mobile she handed over to me to replace the one I lost... We talked and decided to work on that...

Here is comes. About 4 month ago she suddenly wants a kid, despite we have agreed to wait a few years before that. We have a weekend out together... and the condoms breaks (who would have though...) She gets pregnant – no wonders here, yet I am getting more and more suspicious. The time goes and I am being told all sorts of things....

So many thing did not match over the past few month including a quick pregnancy development (all to quick) and a few other inconsistencies,... and last weekend, after just a little more pressure she admits the child to be from a one night stand with another man.

Before you judge – please keep in mind a few facts:

1. I love her, I really do. We know each other since 17 and I do really care for her. Yet, I do not know HOW can I trust her at all... in anything? I might have been able to forgive the adultery... but I am not sure I have enough will to forget it have somebodies else child.

2. She isn’t a strong type of woman – not so stable emotionally – leaving her now may lead to a very grave consequences I would like to avoid. Her parents may not support her here at all – and there is no need to put her in that position. I would support her emotionally even for the sake of our friendship over such a long time.

3. SHALL I meet with that person? I have no idea who that is and have no idea of the reaction he might have over the news. But all the potential legal issues and the fact that my wife is not very good at considering all the consequences makes me think that meet all three may yield some results. She is 16 weeks already which means that abortion is not an option any longer.

Please, there is no need or place for anger – this does not help. If there was a way to believe she wont do that again (as she says) I could forgive that and go on with our life together... but IS THERE a way to convince yourself that such thing would never happen again?

Thanx

written by Hope1, 30 January, 2012

Whatamidoing,

Hi! I got laid last night!!! I did and am still reminiscing on it because I was able to feel his warm skin on mine. But I am also so very sad because he wasn’t completely with me. But that’s ok. I understand and am so very grateful for him letting me near him. I don’t know if he is trying or just going thru the motions. I sooo want to believe that he is trying. And I will be patient. Very patient. I briefly read through that book and I require physical and affirmative words. Both of which he was doing but not as much as I needed. More and more I feel he has no reason to forgive me because he is exceptional. So what the hell was I doing? Fulfilling a void? Ugh. He is a beautiful person inside and out. I have always felt I don’t compare to him. I feel ugly near him at times. Does that make sense. Now, obviously more than before. I felt like I was competing even. Ridiculous I know. When I tried to hold him I felt he was counting down to let go. When I tried kissing his neck he would move me. On and on things. But even still he is a wonderful man. So what was I doing?

Now, I don’t know if I hold slight of a chance. But I know I hunger for it. Will he crave me again? When both want it there has got to be something beautiful to be said about second chances? Yes?

written by Hope1, 31 January, 2012

Random, Wow you summarized it quite well. But there is a critical part left out. I did mislead him to believe I was interested. I took in the attention I was receiving and craved for more. At first glance I found him attractive but as I got to know him I saw past that and saw the insecure person he was. I tried to uplift his confidence and with it I mislead him even more. I mislead him because I wanted the attention. Somewhere between my confidence and vulnerability I lured him in. I say "I" this and "I" that because I don’t like to place fault on anyone else. Surely, I can see where he pressured me to continue to talk etc. Surely, he pressured me to go out to dinner or other things. But that is where I didn’t cave. But I was wrong Random. I opened up that window. Was I vulnerable, hungry for attention in this busy life I lead, was I pressured somehow... maybe... but I did it. I did gush about how great my husband was and he would hate it to the point where he would tell me not to tell him. My husband is pretty reserved so I didn’t have many pictures of him up on my desk. But I started to put them up to build a fence. Thing is this person was already on the other side. He would physically turn the pictures around. I would turn them back. My huge fault is not being a grown up and saying, "Bottom line is this needs to stop!" But I was scared to do that. He would hyperventilate and I was scared. UGH!!!!
My husband believes in the text he received. And I can’t blame him for that. He is not persecuting me; just hurt, livid, etc.
I lead this person on. I painted a pretty picture of a girl that is confident, career focused, great mother, mis do it all with a smile. And he being young found it to be his ideal. He is also a very lonely person that does not make friends easily. He is not from here and ugh I was trying to be a friend at first because I felt bad for the guy. He took it another way, I didn’t stop it. On and on.

written by Hope1, 31 January, 2012

Oldin, I hear you. You have a very tough situation in your hands. If you wish to stay with her you will have to be very strong every day and remind yourself of the anchor that keeps you with her. She needs professional help and you need to identify why you are still with her.

If you stay and it sounds like that is the road you have chosen, you still have an option to consider adoption? That sounds harsh. But raising children is easier said than done. It doesn’t sound like either of you are ready to take on that challenge. There is something to be said about challenges like these. They could make or break a relationship. But the child should definitely not suffer. There are so many couples out there that would see this child as a blessing. You may see the baby as a blessing too but...

If you stay and keep the baby you need to truly accept the fact that you will be the primary father and love it as such. I doubt the one night stander would want to fill in that place. And she stubbed her toe to say the least. This child could be a blessing to both of you. Ugh Idk. I am not a professional at giving advise but today is the day for change. If you decide to keep the baby then use it as a stepping stone to better your marriage. I know that sounds to some like a bunch of hogwash. But if you will stay and keep the baby then turn that horrific event into the climax of your life and turn it into a positive today.

She needs to be truly remorseful and learn from all this. Learn to think before she acts. Truly understand that there are repercussions to our actions. I should know.

There are sites available that can help you gather your thoughts and become a support group for you.

written by Happy Again, 31 January, 2012

Hello all,

I am back but only for one last time, I found this forum by accident and got sucked in because it awoke some memories, and it pains my heart to see others going thru what I’ve gone thru. I’ll probably stop by and read new posts once in a while but will not respond. I’ve been there done that and have moved on, but I’d like to know that my experiences may help others going through the emotional roller coaster that infidelity and lies create.
Again sorry for my bluntness, but truth, sincerity and transparency is the best and only way to communicate in this type of forum.

Hope1, I feel for you but after reading your continuous woe is me, evil doer, I deserve his cheating. Frankly it gets old. Makes me wonder why you would put up with so much when all you did was have an emotional affair. You say nothing happened, but for a year? You both need counseling from someone that will be brutally honest with both of you and either start you both on the path to reconciliation or separation, because obviously neither of you have the guts to do it and living in the nightmare helps no one and can’t go on for long.

Everyone, life is too short to live a miserable life. I am telling you this because I made the same mistake that many of you are making here, mainly because I didn’t know the truth. I tried everything, read every book, expensive trips, gifts, etc. BUT, when I found out that the real reason for her changes and her telling me the classic "I love you, but I am not in love with you", was her cheating. I had to make a decision. Gave her a chance to show me there was a reason to salvage the marriage, but in the end Divorce was the only way out. Two years later, I am 100% sure it was the right decision. I am happier, healthier, wealthier, and feel better than ever before. Time DOES heal and the best revenge is to live well. My ex has messed up her life and spiraled out of control, and up to this day wants me back and tells me she realizes what a great man she had, and how badly she messed up. But all that is in the past for me. I still love her, but I don’t trust her one bit, and this is the main issue here. Trust!, once trust is broken it is very hard to love the same way again.

Guys/Gals, man up, grow some balls and make a decision! If there was sexual infidelity, end it now! Unless you get amnesia, you’ll always have that memory in the back of your head and that is a miserable way to live, you’ll see. For those that say that they can forgive and love their wives/husbands, you are in denial. You either have low self esteem, are insecure, or have a very pretty wife or the perfect husband (I did, she was a model), and think you can’t do better, or don’t want to put the effort to date and start again.

If there was no sex involved (and there’s a big question mark there!, because no one will ever know the truth) and you decide to work it out. Do it like adults, with no lies, games, manipulation, anger. Decide to forgive and forget and truly move on, never, ever bring it up again. BUT, both sides need to be 100% committed, otherwise choose the option above.

Maximum time allowed to "suffer", feel guilty, place blame, lie, whatever! Six months!!! anything over is a waste of time, plenty of good women and men out there to waste your time on a cheater.
There’s no excuse for any type of cheating, none, ever. I could say so much more, but deep inside many of you already have the answer, whether it’s a gut feeling, clairvoyance or hard evidence. All you need to do is make a rational decision, not emotional, rational!!. You’ll be better for it. Don’t waste your life, time and money prolonging it.... oh! and no regrets!

written by WhatAmIDoing, 31 January, 2012

@Hope1

First, I am not going to judge you on this website. In my opinion, it seems odd that people will judge you on this site. It takes 2 people to have an affair. That is hard to say considering my wife cheated on me. The spouse who cheated and the one who sat back doing nothing.

This is part of the reason why I’m willing to forgive and forget what my wife did. I admit I could have been a better husband. I’m not a perfect man and never claimed to be perfect but I will try to be perfect. This was a slap in the face which I am willing to take like a man. However, I have some deep wounds which I don’t think I deserved. I’ve told her I’d have more respect had she just moved out. With that being said I still don’t know if I want to stick around.

That’s great news about the sex. It should still be looked at as baby steps.

This may be hard to hear but he wasn’t completely with you. He may have looked at having sex as just getting a piece of a$$. However, you still had sex with him and that’s a good sign. If he was that repulsed by you he wouldn’t do it. If for some reason down the road leaves you then he doesn’t deserve you.

He knows you are trying! Just like I know my wife really isn’t trying. All she says to me is, "Patience!"
I want to tell her... "you weren’t too patient in hooking up with some guy."

You were filling a VOID. You want a man to dote on you and tell you how beautiful you are. That’s what your love languages says. He needs to know that just like you need to find out what he likes.

What I find interesting is that he behaves just like my wife. Tells me to stop kissing on her. Pushing me away, etc...

I highly recommend that you tell him that you want to read a book together. The love languages also has worksheets that you can download on-line. He needs to know that you require physical contact and words of affirmation. Then you need to find out what he wants. My wife started making me a lunch to take to work. In counseling I said, "I like having a lunch but we’re not here because she didn’t make me lunch." I’m actually to the point where I’m going to continue doting on her but if things don’t change I’m moving on. I did not have an affair on my wife yet she treats me like it’s my fault.

You must find out what he likes? Once you find out you have him right where you want him. All you need to do at that point is slowly reel him in.

written by Oldin, 31 January, 2012

I shall be one of a few to continue the "story"

I made her to talk to the 3rd party (a "one night stander" according to her) and present him with the news. Do you think this is a right thing to do? I reckon she needs to know more about that person prior the delivery as it may become a potential risk in the future. (for all of us)

I suggested that she needs a legal advice too as for a potential outcomes should any unexpected behavior from that person unfolds. She does not want (again, according to her) to have anything to do with him too, yet the guy has a legal right to put his name into a birth cert. if he pleases. He would be obliged to support the child then of course and this would not help our relationship.... at all!

As for the future – she could not perform an abortion for a humanity reasons (as well as she might not be able to have kids in the future – she says) I am so not sure she can even think of adoption. So far, I did promise not to hurt her reputation in any way, not to disclose that to anyone, yet, I doubt this sort of a secret is possible to keep even if we decide to stay as we are. What do you think?

written by TellTheTruth, 31 January, 2012

@Oldin – Firstoff, hatsoff to your love. Second of all, I highly doubt that the baby is unplanned and the result of a ONS. I think she was planning it all along to keep you from leaving. Since you said you didn’t want to have babies for a few years she might have planned it with another person with or without his knowledge and tried to pass it off as yours to keep you from leaving. Did you ask her why she didn’t tell you the baby isn’t yours until after it is too late and that too with you pressurizing her? Did she plan on telling you at all? Did she have an opportunity to have gone for an abortion without your knowledge? I think you should meet the OM. You might get to know new things.

History says do not trust her. If you decide to stay maybe you should be prepared for more such surprises in the future.

written by Oldin, 01 February, 2012

@TellTheTruth thank you. As you can see there isn’t many people I can possible speak to right now.

She knew I was extremely suspicious about the latest events, and thus (partly joking yet being quite serious) I did say I would most certainly do a DNA test after the birth. There were all too many signs for me to suspect the lie, and, in fact, I knew for a fact that the pregnancy was different from what I was presented, yet I could not allow my mind to admit that could be the OM. A denial is it one could say.

I did ask about the reasons she kept that a secret for so long. She does have a history of health issues which may prevent her from ever giving birth should she choose to abort now. There was never a plan to tell me until the pressure was to high, or until I would have discovered myself (after birth) – yet I do respect her honesty to reveal it now. She trusts me not to disclose it and I do intend to grant that to her. In fact, I am struggling to find the way to forgive her given all she says proves to be truth. I have to verify those facts as words are not enough now. It would not help anyone to unfold this into a full blown carnage while carrying an innocent baby. Yet, I do not know what could she do to repair the trust, as we spend a lot of time apart (business, work). There is a chance that she is really sorry for what has happened. Given so many years together and my emotional attachment to her since I was... 18 – I need to find something to suggest she should do to deserve US again. One cannot forgive for nothing as this will always hunt us in the future. We need some act which proves the intention – something more then the words. I want her to be happy with her life, to be a success, (with me if possible) and if I simply suck this up she knows I’ll be reminding that in all sorts of sarcastic remarks for a very long time (if not forever) which would never lead our lives to a happy course.

Thank you.

written by Hope1, 01 February, 2012

Uneventful days... These days I have focused on others. Helping others and staying extremely busy. But on the ride home from work I cry. But like Happy Again says "that gets old." Well, I beg to differ. I prefer to be remorseful daily. I prefer to be reminded of this fuckup daily so that it urges me to be a better person. It would get old if I was promising with no positive actions. But I’m not promising him anything with words. I come here to state things that I don’t tell him. I act at home with gratitude and humbleness. How can that get old. I don’t state it but the actions are there. No? Anyway, I don’t mind carrying this load even if it gets old. I do have guts. Guts to prove that I can carry this load. Guts to prove that even in this turmoil its possible to turn things around to be a blessing. Guts to run is not courageous. Guts to make a decision and act on it is. I have made a decision. I will stand and wait for him. That takes guts. So I think I have grown some balls since the wake of this. Strong enough to build character and see the bigger picture of this. So boo-hoo on me for feeling low cuz he is going out with others because I wronged him first. Of course I am going to feel low and for a very long time. Not six months. My goodness, research states two years before you can move fwd productively. I am not marking two years but I do have a milestone in mind. So will it get old, that is to be known. Thanks Happy Again, I see that you are trying to wake us all up. That we are in denial that ignorance is bliss. I see. But everyone has their reasons/anchor for standing still and everyone has their own timeline. Should we stop typing our thoughts here. Sure we could. But this is our moment if you will to just stop by and exhale. I think you didn’t run into this site by accident. I think you very much are still wishing it never would have happened and are still searching for reasons.

Whatamidoing: Thank you for the suggestions. And I pray it works out for you. Seems like you really want it to work. But wonder when you exhale?

Oldin: Oh my. I don’t know how to even start with your story. Seems like you want to be there and you want to help her. You may be taking more than you can handle. Sounds like she is your best friend and no matter what you want to protect her.

written by random45, 01 February, 2012

Hope
Sweetheart......im sorry..... you didn’t cheat on your husband you didnt have an emotional affair the only thing you did wrong is not ask for help. When things started getting out of control you should have not only told your husband but your boss as well. But being scared doesn’t make you a bad person or a cheater it makes you human. This other man is a real piece of shit and has ruined your life because you tried to be his friend. Denial is very powerful and you can say its all your fault and you wronged your husband first so you deserve everything he does but you don’t. You do deserve better no one can or ever will convince you of that until you believe that. If you are going to respond by proclaiming your guilt and absolving your husband please don’t your not guilty its not your fault. I can’t tell you how to feel or what to do only you can figure that out but you were taken advantage of and to a lesser degree victimized by this guy at work and now your husband is doing the same thing.

written by Oldin, 02 February, 2012

@hope1: You are right – we have been friends for a few years before becoming a couple... and that reflects on me now. Indeed I might not be able to handle the emotional part of this at a later stage – that is why I cannot promise "happily ever after" yet, as a human I do support her emotionally now, when the pregnancy is on... This friendship we used to share – does help to do that.

I don’t believe I would be able to trust her 100% in the future, yet, I am trying to act constructively to support her as a person. I have been treating her as if she was a minor a lot even though we are the same age. Now, I guess I have this feeling of responsibility for her (NOT FOR a newborn CHILD at ALL). Will see how things unfold in the coming months with this story of "love" There could be more surprises to come. I hope those to be GOOD ones.

Thank you everybody! It gives a tremendous support to be able to share and read anything supportive (in fact, anything at all) here!

written by Hope1, 02 February, 2012

Random: Thanks for your kind words. I agree. But I can’t turn the blind eye of me enjoying the attention and misleading the other. I opened up that window. I won’t go into the "that grows old" convo but I truly believe I should be held accountable for my actions. How, don’t know? I’m not saying I should be crucified and God knows I don’t want to lose my husband. But I just want him to know that I don’t take this lightly. Thing is Random, I was pregnant when other found interest in me. And because of this I just didn’t think much of the supposed admiration. My hormones were out of wack and it made me feel beautiful to know someone saw "me" instead of just career me. Does that make sense? Because here I am invisible to most; they see the professional person but not "me." I spend most of my time at work. I have a great job and people respect me as a conservative professional person full of potential. No one would suspect any of this craziness from me. Not even I get it still. I kept convos with this person for quite some time. It started as innocent convos but kept leading to more. Eventually it consumed my every moment. It was weighing heavily on me and was making me extremely tired. I would try to shut it down but he would revert to friend mode. I am accountable for my actions. But I swear I was just stupid weak. Didn’t respect my marriage. Didn’t know how to stand.

Ugh!! There’s more. I was molested as a child by two brothers at different times whom I outcasted from my life once I grew into good age. Ugh. I hate putting this here but there it is. Does it play into my stupidity... I could easily say no. It happened, its fucked up, but its done. Did it mold my character, did it affect my brain somehow? Yea, I should have gone to counseling a long ass time ago. Very few know of my childhood. Most think it was beautiful. Well, it wasnt. From five to twelve it wasn’t. My first orgasms happened before I had my period. How fucked up is that? I confessed the brother thing to my husband early in our marriage. But still no counseling. I reminded him of it not that long ago after the awake of this and how I didn’t receive much support from him. I expected a good hug while I cried, something. He apologized for not being there at that time. But still no good hug. Is that normal? Am I asking for too much? Granted we were not in good terms anymore. I told him I accept now that I am fucked up!!! Seriously fucked up.

Do I put up a happy face? Did I learn to lie? My goodness yes. I learned early on at five to lie and put on a happy face. To push back any pain, so far back that it almost seems like it didn’t happen. One moment I was eating dinner with fam next moment I was being abused. Ugh. Sorry. I know some reading this are saying, boo-hoo, you are still accountable for wronging your husband. I do it to myself. I tell myself get over it. Its fucked up but get over it. It plays no part with your adult decisions. Does it? Even if a counselor were to tell me that it does even if there was some sort of brain study that would show me that it does I still wouldn’t accept it. If I can’t how can he?

Oh my. So there it is. I haven’t had the best of lives. But who has. I’m sure everyone here can type in their sorrows too and are probably worse than mine.

So like Happy Again says. Life is too short. Move on and smile. Yea, I have been. Smiling since five. Funny thing is people tell me what a beautiful smile I have. Its there for others to feel comfortable while I cry inside.

written by random45, 03 February, 2012

Hope
My god I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a huge hug squeeze you tight and tell you everything is gonna be alright. And one day sweetie it will be. It takes a very strong person to deal with what you have dealt with and not let there life spiral out of control. I understand why you blame yourself so much for what has happened its natural for someone who has dealt with the kind of trauma that you have dealt with to blame themselves that’s usually what happens they feel its their fault even when they have been victimized again.
Its fucked up its really fucked up but its not your fault and your not fucked up. You sound like a great mother and a wonderful wife your "affair" was not any kind of affair at all. You cannot be involved in an emotional affair with someone who you are only maintaining a relationship with out of fear.that is the exact opposite of having an emotional affair even if initially you enjoyed the attention you tried to break it off. You may need to go talk to someone because you do have self esteem issues which ARE from the being molested as a child. No it is not to much to ask that your husband comfort you and hold you when you in need of his support that should be given with out request. You do deserve to be treated better. If you believe your husband is the one to do it then go get him and do what you have to do to get him back but you did nothing wrong. You did not wrong your husband you did not disrespect your marriage. You did not disrespect him but it sounds like he has not given you much respect and I think that’s something you need to address with him because it has gone on long enough
I don’t understand men sometimes and I am man! Gentleman this is a public service announcement if your wife or girlfriend is pregnant, unless your that poor dumb son of a bitch who’s wife and girlfriend are both pregnant your already screwed u should probably leave the country, don’t ignore her. That is when she needs the most support she needs you to make her feel beautiful don’t refuse to lay a finger on her cause your a moron and think she is fat she is not fat she is fucking pregnant. You should cuddle with her and make love to her more often not less this is the biggest mistake you an possibly make. And not just because of what hope said above I have talked to and am friends with a lot of women with kids and for a lot of them the worst thing about being pregnant is they already feel fat and disgusting then their husbands or boyfriends don’t want to touch them and it makes it worse. Don’t do this to the women that you proclaim to love make them feel good.

written by WhatAmIDoing, 03 February, 2012

@Hope1

Random is giving great advice!

My jaw hit the floor when I read your last post. Let me take a minute to pick it up.....

I’m so sorry to hear how you were treated as a child. Yes, this does have a bearing on your mental state. Is it the contributor to your affair. I’m no doctor but I would say, Yes!

I think you need to talk to a counselor. Not because I think you are mentally unstable but because I think talking to someone helps.

When I caught my wife I immediately felt like it was all my fault. So I went to counseling. After several sessions I realized I’m a normal human being who caught his wife having an affair and just can’t deal with it. I stopped going because I can live with myself. I’m just really sexually deprived. LOL!

The guy my wife was having an affair with really f#$

written by Hope1, 03 February, 2012

Random: My husband is wonderful! He is just not in touch with his feelings. Or not outwardly at least. I really don’t blame him. In the years we have known each other we have not had horrible arguments. We agree, we are one. Never any physical or emotional abuse. I hide this side from him. How is he to know I suffer like this. So I can’t blame him. We have also been extremely busy these last few years. I had great pregnancies! So there was no superficial concern to "smother" me if you will. OK, again, this personality of mine is questionable because I crave hugs and smothering but my past affects it. I stand strong but behind closed doors I break.

Yes, I used to cling to him in hugs until he felt it was enough and I still wanted more. Yes, he wanted sex during my pregnancies but I didn’t because I was tired. I said some horrible things when he wanted sex he said some horrible things when I didn’t. Typical marriage gone astray when the two take each other for granted.

But in love; always there. Wonderful husband, friend, father. etc. Sorry guys but its true. I am the last person to take away from his wonders. He has been a wonderful man.

The failure is on my end. Certainly I can see how he could have been more loving. More focused in our second pregnancy. More in touch with "me." But quite honestly none of it is an excuse for my faultering.

I was on the phone with this other person because I was lonely, vulnerable, needed adult conversation, etc, etc. Not because I had feelings. I succumbed to stupid deeper convos because.... because I don’t know. That is where I failed. This went on for a year. Started off extremely innocent and sporadic but as my husband became more busy the other knew and demanded my time. On days off he would beg to see me. But I would find every nerve in me to decline in a subtle way. Why subtle... because he would freak.

Sorry. I go off into my own little world sometimes.

I come here to express that side of me. But trust me I keep my head high and have a normal day just like everyone else. I suppress this side of me so far back that sometimes I see it as a minor nightmare. All of it. My childhood and now this mess. I feel sorry for my brothers because they must of gone through something too. But I am so very much more livid at them because this freaking chain has damaged a wonderful soul... my husband.

written by Hope1, 03 February, 2012

Whatamidoing: Thanks. The sane side of me believes that my childhood trauma has much to do with who I am today. It definitely was a contributor to my stupidity.

Today, I am in control. That is quite false. I pretend to be in career, home, mommy hat and want to be but the "me" craves to be protected.

I separate love from sex. Why? Because when I was five I quickly realized they cannot be one.

I cry only when alone. Another part of control, I guess. Don’t like people to see this side of me.

I grow angry when I think of my childhood and how it relates to today. Why didn’t I scream and run when I was a child? Why didn’t I tell someone. I froze.

And I grow angry when I spend time like this. Trying to figure things out and getting no where.

My life is spiraling now. Don’t know if my husband will accept me as I am. I pray he does.

written by TellTheTruth, 05 February, 2012

@Hope1 – I am so sorry for you. I don’t know how old your brothers were when they abused you, but this is so horrible that people that are supposed to protect you abused you. Shame on them and shame on your parents that they were oblivious to this. That’s a horrible atmosphere for someone to grow up. Not sure if you had gone for counseling for this, but you definitely need to see someone for this. These things are life-altering both physically as well as mentally. Your husband needed to be and needs to be more supportive of you.

written by dan999, 06 February, 2012

I have been reading these posts past few weeks to come over a similar situation but nothing close to what most of the guys have gone though here..

But I can suddenly relate to your story Hope1. The girl I am trying to get over has had a similar upbringing as you. There was no sexual abuse (Not that I know off), but there was physical abuse and she was the youngest, unwanted and neglected child + the family history was very bad with the society cutting them off.

The first thing that attracted me towards her was her vulnerability and mega determination towards working hard and staying focused at a young age of 18!The first time I met her, she was 18 and I was 25, so I just took her as a child and never really focused on any thing further because of the age gap. But things changed in her mind and she started giving me the hints.. But still I am like, she is too young. We work together so we got comfortable and she fully opened up to me. Now, her honesty about her family’s past etc.. got me to fall for her. She is very strong headed young girl, so there was no, please help the "poor me".. it was more like, this is the reality, and you should know about it before you enter my world. I will always respect her for this.

But, I forgot she was 18 (Big mistake).. so then we go steady and the cheating happens (As usual, I was unaware of that).. I give her the full benefit of the doubt, cos she is just growing up and goes to college. What I cannot let go, is that cheating bit (Men do not have the emotional rationality/power to deal with this). She has been distant from me for the past 2 months so I am assuming she is with someone else now, I have stopped all contact and just let her be. I know I am young so will get over it, but that cheating bit has made me resentful towards women, and I hope I get out of this feeling soon.. Never had this issue before.

@Hope1: You seem to be lovely, and I shall explain why.

You see, when you grow up in your kind of situation, your personality can never be subtle, you will either turn out to be someone who will complain about every thing and would want 10x more from your partner/husband or you turn out to be a GIVER, cos you understand what real pain is..

What you did with the other guy was due to your giving nature, but unfortunately while you were at it, you crossed the physical line.. Even now, after all your husband is putting you though (Whether you deserve this or not, is a separate question), I promise you, you will keep on giving until you mentally or physically breakdown. Firstly, you saw the other guy’s vulnerability, and now you are viewing your husband’s vulnerability. In other words, your past has not made you selfish, but a mature giving woman. My girl is too young for me to judge, she is still understanding the world and herself, but for now she is the taker (and rather turning into the taker after loosing her virginity with that other guy), she has also become very cocky..The smart Genuine girl is now a smart manipulative one. I want to guide her in the right direction, but I know she has her guards up on me right now because someone else might be in the picture. If and when she comes back, I will try and talk to her. Hope she turns out to be strong like you and more of a giver than what she is today.

Anyway, coming back to you, STOP being so harsh on yourself. You need a balance in your marriage right now, and one more thing, I do not think your husband will ever ditch you.. He is just struggling coming to terms with what has happened. He will also respect you more, if you start respecting yourself. I was not married to her, but still, the thought of her with someone else will stay with me for a very long time, and only because, and this might sound selfish now, but when I accepted her, the thought of her baggage and issues never crossed my mind.. I took her the way she was!

And I can assume by your description of your husband, that he has been standing like a Rock next to you with your issue, and he would continue that, All the best!

written by Hope1, 06 February, 2012

Hi Guys and happy Monday! I had a very productive day and just now read your responses. No worries about the cross I have carried. It is heavy only at times. Most of the time it fits in my back pocket. It is there as a reminder that life is great and its the little things that count. As far as my adult decisions. Live and learn... right? I know the extent of what I did and without going into detail because it shames me I will say that I will live through this and will do it with my head held high. But I will never stumble like this again and will forever be grateful for my husband’s response.

These days weather mimics my life. Dark and gloomy with a slight chance of a sunny second. That’s ok.

I focus on the good. I was crazy sick this weekend and I held strong until he walked into the bedroom. I begged him to hug me and he did. I cried like a little girl because one I HATE being sick and two because he smelled so good and three because he was still ever so distant. And I will add a forth. Even in his distance... he was there, comforting.

Sigh... all I can do is learn and move fwd. That is all we all can do. If you plan on staying with her do so because you feel it in your heart. Stay because no matter the result you want to know you gave it your all. I agree with Happy Again... don’t waste your time. But it is not time wasted if you learned about yourself. Character is built from what you should do not what you want to do.

Anyway, I digress. Sorry for the TMI earlier in these posts. I like to keep that world to myself. But this is anonymous so I felt safe.

Random: How are you doing? Please tell me she did a 180 for you.
Whatamidoing: Have you decided your way fwd. It will take time and you will second guess yourself everyday.
TelltheTruth: Hi guy! Funny how your research turned out to be quite a mess here huh? Sorry. But I have to say it kills me when someone says "a cheater is always a cheater." Although there is no excuse, there is always more to the story. So there it is. Sucks to be me.
Believe: Are you still going strong?
Hope everyone else is seeing some light at the end of this miserable tunnel. If you do tell me about it.

written by random45, 07 February, 2012

Hope
Hola! Things are going progressing nicely for me I wouldn’t say she has done a full 180 more like say 165 almost but not yet. We are still having alot of fun together lots of laughing and cuddling and all that good stuff. But I caved and looked at the phone records and he is till texting her a couple of times a week she usuallyy respond with one text after the 3rd or fourth one he has sent so im annoyed that they are stil communicating but ill wait and see if it starts to get out a control again. I still think about divorce alot and it may still end up there. I can’t predict the future but enjoy the goodtimes while they are here. Maybe happy was right maybe its too late and I need to grow some balls and kick her to the curb.

written by Hope1, 07 February, 2012

Good day Sirs!

Yesterday was a difficult day; but that’s what builds character. Last night after the kids were safely sleeping and dreaming I went to the garage, got in my car, and listened to music that breaks me. Its refreshing to get it out and feel numb again. Almost addictive. The tears came from an earlier conversation with him where he casually mentioned he had gone somewhere on his own this Sat. Etc. Details don’t matter. His words stabbed me so much so that I literally felt the pain in my heart. Amazing how complex creatures we are. After a few good cries I sighed, stopped, and controlled my "self." I mentally recommitted to him and know that I am in love with him. I have not waivered from that. So there is no room to fill with this sadness. I wiped off the tears and exhaled. Back in the house I could have turned towards the room he now sleeps in. But I pressed fwd. I am certain he knows my reason to visit the garage and the reason I did not stop after. He was having a hard day and I needed to respect that.

dan999: You said some things that most certainly touched me. I am vulnerable but determined to pick myself off the floor, dust off, and truly look in the mirror and question the depths of me to find closure to my ghosts and build a new me that embraces all the good and burns the bad. I will keep on giving until I am mentally and physically burned out. I did that last night. After what he said and I cried I still picked myself up and reconfirmed to myself that he said those things because he is hurting and wants me to take part of the pain. It is then that I understood and accepted the pain. It is then it felt quite amazing. To feel this pain that he is feeling. To share even in hard times. I felt blessed even. I woke up early and took him coffee like every morning but did not speak one word. Nor did he. As I walked out the door I composed myself and said, "Not this week." Work has me extremely busy this week and the next. I cannot miss a step. I cannot spare another night crying in the car. Not this week.

Random: 165? LOL. Sorry that is funny! About the texting. From what you have described it sounds like its him. I know it takes two. But judging from the texting it seems he’s pushing. Does he have a wife? Or something to anchor him. Or does he have nothing to lose? I see me in her sorta. Atleast with the texting part. Keeping him at arms length but having to text every now and then. If you have such good times together maybe you should rethink about how to go about stopping the texting. How to strip her from this contact? I don’t have any suggestions. But it sounds like you have a good relationship. If you are waiting for her to stop. It may not happen unless you intervene... with tact. If you press fwd with divorce it will hurt your children. She will cry back for you. And you may come back. I don’t believe you want to go through that pain. Maybe best thing is to sit down and have a candid talk about it. But like me, you may not be ready for the answers.

Today and these two weeks I will have to steer far away from him. I need to get through them with flawless career hat. I can and will.

written by random45, 07 February, 2012

Hope,
I can’t think of away that wont back fire on me. When ever I have tried to talk to her about it she gets mad and really defensive saying how they are just friends and I am just overreacting and then its back to square one because then she will start texting him more and more and I no longer have the patience for this bull shit. Your right I don’t really want to go down that divorce road but she is the type of person who has to decide for herself that she isn’t going to txt him anymore I have thought about blocking his number from calling or texting her but if she finds out it’ll be the same bull shit.and to be honest im tired of trying to save her from herself she is a big girl and should have to live with the consequneces of her decisions. There are encouraging signs everywhere just last night while we were sleeping I rolled over and must have woke her up when I did because she immediately rolled over and cuddled up behind me and whispered I love you in my ear. A year ago hell 3 months ago that wouldn’t have happened. 1 or 2 txts from her to him a week is way better than it was. I think a big reason things have gotten so much better is I have not said anything about him or taken any kind of subtle shots at her about the whole thing since mid december and I was king of the subtle shots saying something that I knew would hurt her but playing it off to mean something else. I have also learned recently that alot of our problems. Start with me I don’t do it intentionally but she said something the other day that made me think about how I am I talk to everyone and am very playful and flirty with all women I I never paid much attention to it because it didn’t mean anything to me I never intended on pursuing any of these women its just how I have always been so I have been trying to focus that kind of attention alot more to her and only her flirting with her in the grocery store line and being polite but not overly friendly to the cashier or waitress or what ever. I should have picked up on this along time ago but I didn’t even realize til my sister pointed it out and my wife agreed. So onward and upward one day at a time.

written by WhatAmIDoing, 08 February, 2012

@Hope1

I have yet to make any decisions on my future. At the current moment I’m trying to be there for my kids. Making sure they get to school, hauling them to their sporting events, etc... I’m working really hard to make sure that my relationship with my wife does not affect my kids. They are completely innocent in all of this and need to be shielded from it.

I think in time I will find the answers that I’m looking for. I have good days and bad days.

The word of the day for me... PATIENCE! I’m going to work on my patience. Give our marriage some time. I’m not going to change my behaviors at all. I will still show her affection and dote on her with limits. I am confused though at why she is not reciprocating or as my friends say, "Kissing your a$$!" However, I sort of have a deadline in my head when I need to make a decision.

If everything is status quo when this summer roles around I will end our marriage. How can I have an artificial timeline? Well I think if she’s willing to sleep with a guy after only knowing him for 2 months and not willing to do the same with someone she’s known for 16 years and has 3 kids with... Party is Over! I’m doing all the things that she claimed I wouldn’t do. We’re not talking about showing affection. To her it’s doing the dishes, cooking breakfast before school, getting the kids off to school, etc... It’s really weird! I’m not keeping score because I love to do these for my kids. In the past, I never did some things because I thought it had to be shared responsibilities. I pick them up from school or meet their bus. I cook their dinner. I read to them at night. In her eyes it wasn’t enough. So now... I get them up in the morning, feed them a warm breakfast (this morning I made them pancakes that were about the size of a basketball) and get them on the bus or drop them off for school. At the end of the day I pick them up at school and cook dinner. Then read books with them and drag them in to brush teeth.

I’ve told my buddies what is going on in my life and they’ve been really supportive. Some have gotten sort of pissed because they think I’m being a doormat. It’s flattering to have all my friends wives want to set me up with their friends or neighbors. They all seem to think I could have any woman because I cook all the meals and do dishes. At the current moment I’m not interested because I need to show PATIENCE!

I’ve stated this on her before... "Kids are our treasured guests. We will love them, guide them, nurture them and help them through tough times. At the end of they day though all we have is each other as husband and wife."

With that being said.. I love my kids but in 10 years they will start moving out and beginning their lives as adults. I don’t want to wake up some morning in 10 years and think... "Holy Crap! She doesn’t even love me! I have wasted 10 years of my life with someone that doesn’t even love me."

written by WhatAmIDoing, 08 February, 2012

@Random45

Be strong! I went through the same B.S. You need to confront her about the text messaging. Tell her it needs to stop. Texting/Sexting leads to an affair... trust me! If she’s not willing to stop then I fear she’s use this as bargaining chip or a threat.

If you want I can swing by that ba$tards house and take care of business. LOL!

written by Hope1, 08 February, 2012

Random: Funny how the more detail you write about her the more I relate to her. I know for sure your not my husband because I do not have any personal contact with this other person. But funny you mention that you are flirty and entertaining with women. My husband is too. I learned to accept it early on becuase its part of who he is. But it is bothersome to some extent. Because I want to be the one and only. Well, so much for that cuz now I never will be. But before, I can honestly say I would fight to be the one and only. And maybe that is what was missing? Maybe I wanted to feel wanted and center of attention to someone. Thing is I know he saw me as that but I didn’t feel it. I sorta agree with whatamidoing. I believe you should talk to her and let her know you know. But then again, it sounds like you staying out of it might be turning things around for the better. Keep pressing fwd with your good intentions and showing her she’s ur top focus. If that is truly what you want.

Whatamidoing: Funny you mention the word "patience" I had it on my cell screen for a while to keep me focused. I completely agree with you regarding the timeline line. Everyone should have one and stick to it no matter how much it hurts. And I agree with you on the kids leaving scenario. I want my husband to be with me for me. But that may not be my happy ending. Idk why she is not reciprocating. You seem to be doing all that turns a woman on (washing dishes, taking care of kiddos, etc) but sometimes manning up is also a turn on. It is for me. For instance, my husband is hurt and sees that I am hurting but he is giving me tough love. I think... I hope. And as much as I cry I respect him for it.

I sent my husband a risky message today and I received nothing. I could tell myself he did not receive it or slap myself out of denial and understand that he plainly does not care.

Every day I find yet another reason why I am in love with him but notice he may find yet another reason to fall out of love. Its a rollercoaster that will hopefully prove that we can make it for better or for worse.

Yesterday I landed myself in another predicament. He told me about his evening plan for today and sounded pretty stern until he heard mine. That didn’t sit well with him. I reassured him that I don’t want to bother him with my activities. But I would love to have him with me. Is that not a good thing? He nodded yes and we left it at that.

written by Believe2, 08 February, 2012

Hope1: Hi! I see you are still hanging in there. Things are going really well for the wife and I. We are in a great place with our marriage, communication, friendship, intimacy, ect. It’s like we are at an all time high. I knew we could get to this happy place with time but there’s one major problem with this equation. I will tell you the problem but first I must say: She is having a very hard time excepting this problem or my new found discovery. Here it is!! I love my wife dearly for who she is and what she stands for. However, things aren’t the same.
You know that feeling of innocence and purity that a marriage has when the marital vows are respected and honored. You know that feeling when cheating hasn’t entered the marital equation. I’m learning that cheating has a way of robbing a marriage from it’s full potiential. That’s why strong people say "cheating is a deal breaker." I know some say: my marriage is sooo much better since the infidelity is gone but how about a marriage with no cheating where a husband and wife respect/honor one another’s wishes. I can truly say my marriage is 100% greater than it’s ever been but I don’t like the fact that my marriage had to go astray to get here. I truly know my worth and value as a man now and I’m finding that there’s alot of great people who are honest, loving, sincere and believe in true fidelity. Everyone isn’t a cheater nor is everyone trying to make marriage a mockery. I’m learning alot threw research and study that some people are just great manipulators of emotions/feelings. These kinds people aren’t any good for relationships nor marriage because at the first sign of problems they’ll find someone or something to attach themselves. I told my wife recently that my heart is having some buyers remorse here. I shouldn’t have never excepted this behavior because now I truly see my worth and know my value. We both have no kids, we are very good looking, we are very successful and full of life. I’m enrolling into some personal counseling sessions because although things are great that doesn’t mean we have to continue on with this marriage. Forgiveness is the best healer but it doesn’t mean you have to remain married to that individual. Sometimes in life you have to drop emotions and get 100% real with yourself. We’ll see!!! Hope1, things truly aren’t the same and that’s from the bottom of my heart.

written by random45, 09 February, 2012

Hope, whatamidoing
I have thought about what you have both said and have been thinking it over. I had also considered this before the 2 of you had mentioned it. There will be no more conversations with her about it the next time I bring it up to her it will only be to tell her that is why I am filing for divorce and that will be were the conversation will end. You can only say it so many times you can only threaten to leave so many times if you never follow through then they know its just an empty threat and you will never follow through. That is when you become a doormat. She has been told 3x there wont be a fourth. Since december when I said I was leaving her I have decided on a lwayer consulted with that lawyer and even come up with a divorce settlement that even though it favors her to is what would be best for me as well. On my lawyers advice I also have a 2nd settlement which clearly favors me but my lawyer has said she would have no trouble getting a court to agree to if my wife decides not to take my initial offer or negotiate something close to it. The ball is completely in her court and she will have to be the one who decides which path she is going to take. I have set 2 weeks after we return from vacation as a hard deadline. I will no longer continue to save her from herself.

Hope you also remind me a lot of my wife there have been more than a few times I have wondered if u were her. She also suffered a similar childhood trauma at the hands of a family member.

written by Hope1, 09 February, 2012

Beleive: No surprise. You are correct. The purity has left the marriage. It will never be the same. Some say, "but it can be better!" Well, I too am caught in this predicament. I contemplate what would be for the best. We do have two wonderful little ones that rely on us. But aside from them I still want him. I do!!! Sure, I see that there are good people, I was one. All good people can fall short of your expectations. But even with that I connect with him. I just pray he connects with me and wants me. I truly do understand how some prefer to start on a clean slate. Sure that is the clean sweep spring cleaning. But can you part from this person? I was reading on another site about those couples that divorce and still years later continue to consult with each other. Even end up being each others lover while partaking in other relationships. So??? If I had to make a decision it would be by far the most difficult decision. I know him and I would be ok too. We are somewhat young and goodlooking. But is ok good enough. With the passing of time I know I would still gravitate to him. He’s my best friend.

Random: You have told her that if you knew. But you haven’t told her that you know. And need to know the context behind that texting. Is it just friendship? I agree, she should break that bond at any means but wonder what keeps her texting in such minimal qties.
My husband was in an incredible good mood yesterday. He asked how my dinner went. I don’t understand? I would have thought he would have been upset. Is he hiding that side or simply doesn’t care? Is he past me?

written by WhatAmIDoing, 09 February, 2012

@random

Hang in man! I’m almost to the same point. I just don’t need to the negative vibes or energy anymore. My wife did end/severe all connections with him but the damage has been done. My issue now... if she wants to be with me she should probably show it.

written by random45, 10 February, 2012

Hope
your reading to much into it maybe he was just in a good mood. This should maker you happy. There isnt always a reason behind everything.

Whatamidoing
She has been showing me she wants to be with me constantly and has been doing so for the last few months. I am just being prepared. I am not completely sure how much of my story you are familiar with but I am not completely innocent. I did cheat on her as well after i found out she was cheating on me andit was witha friend of hers, it has been something she encouraged to even the score but it only made things worse so i am not by far an innocent victim. This is why I am being so patient I know I screwed up too.

written by WhatAmIDoing, 10 February, 2012

@Hope

I’m not sure I follow your comments totally but it sounds like you had done a few things outside the home without him or along those lines.

If so, probably not a great idea. You have broken all trust he had with you. He probably has no faith in you right now. Whenever you leave the house he probably thinks you’re going to be meeting this other person or someone else. He may even have thoughts that you’re flirting with every guy you meet. Now would be a good time to lay low. Show him you’re in it for the long haul. Look at it this way... act like your activities are meaningless and his are the most important.

@Random, your husband and I are going through the same issues right now. Cheating wives! I have told friends that I have never felt so worthless as a husband and man. I’m all good now because I am a good person. I may have had moments as a husband that I sucked but I now know. This does not mean I’m settling w/ my wife. I’m giving her a chance to prove to me she’s worthy. If not, her loss!

One thing my wife does that you should do. If she’s out and about she’ll send me little text messages. In fact, she went to a Brad Paisley concert w/ her girlfriend and sent me pictures. Do it! It will ease his worries.

I’ve said this before... in most cases it takes 2 people to have the affair. The one who does it and the one who let’s it happen. So don’t beat yourself up. If he’s not man enough to realize he’s part of the problem then he has issues as well.

written by dan999, 10 February, 2012

@ Hope1

It is understandable that you want to give it your all(Mentally and Physically) into this relationship but this may not give a healthy relationship. I think you need to stop trying to fix the issue so hard and focus on living a healthy life with the kids and your husband. You constant efforts might trigger his mind to remember the old episode over and over. Just because you do not speak about the affair does not mean you do not make him realize this with your Perfect Wife attitude.. do you know what i mean?

Try this, for once, forget about the affair for few days just like to lock your childhood memory somewhere in you subconscious to live a happy life.. Then do a bit of old school wife nagging and see how he reacts. Firstly if your behavior is normal, then your husband’s might follow. Remember it is you who has to start the normal marriage life first, cos your hubby is not in that mind frame right now, and there is no dan999 or random45 or tellthetruth telling him to consider this way of action. It is valentine week ahead.. so i say just go for it.. wear your fav colour outfit with a hint of your hubby’s fav colour too..

With the humorous tone, just demand that you need only few days of normal stuff, even if both of you have to fake it.. and then go back to the war zone..

I say the same to all the husbands here [except the outfit bit off course], if the both of you are trying to fix the issue, then just go for it and act normal..

Have a great weekend people..

written by Hope1, 10 February, 2012

"Evening up the score has never healed anyone." This is the sign I read every day when I go to drop off the kids in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon. I am in love with the soundtrack Courageous even though I have not seen the movie. And last night I had another busi dinner. And when I texted him he didn’t respond. It is only after a while that he did and when I called as I was leaving the dinner he did not answer but did the second time. And he sounded extremely happy and in good company. I casually asked where he was and he said he was out and asked if everything was ok. Ummm ok? Yea, guess everything is ok. He is thrilled, happy, enjoying life. Well, I prayed for that and here it is. He is happy. Taking a day at a time and doing as he wants. If I were to say he is happy go lucky with no responsibilities I would be lying because at the end of the day he is home and he takes care of what he needs to. But... I am speechless. Lost. In the soundtrack there is a song called "lead me" I think. Oh my! I cried. Its like taking the words right out of my mouth. But then I turned it to me and realized once more that its about me and not him. That I need to be strong for my kiddos and give them the best of my life. You must listen to it. Really good song.

I sit here during lunch after having a candid talk with him and wishing him a good lunch. He said you too. And here I am.

I know I am supposed to not read into things. But come on!!! I get angry sometimes because this is all happening and I know it is. And here I am. This is where I should be. Paying the consequences of my actions. The bandaid solution of stripping him from my life would be a horrible to pay the consequences but having him doing as he pleases and being candid and civil with me knowing I know is... well... its painful. But its justified. Right?

All three of us and others reading this have their own story, strength, weakness, and limitations. Everyone could succumb to this catastrophic situation. Then there’s the aftermath. How to handle it. Can you stand firm for your better half (because they once were and have potential to be or still are)and you so very want them to turn to you? Can you look away while they try to find themselves again and hopefully you? We all deal differently. I stand with unwaivered love for him. I cry for his pain and smile when he’s around.

Funny how Random has the hugs and kisses but wants her to stop texting otherwise he is out. But he failed too which is why you are being patient. Why did you take the plunge into getting even? Did you not know it would cause more harm. How does that play in your decision making today?

Funny how Whatamidoing’s wife has cut all ties but yet she is not showing love so he will move on if that does not happen.

I am giving my all by freeing him and showing him affection through little things and trying to get in his arms when he lets me. But he doesnt want it.

What a mess we make out of ourselves. Remember the days when you were both looking into each others eyes and knew this was the person for you. Remember when you would love on each other and hold hands. I see other people doing this now and I envy them and at the same time say a little prayer for them so that such love never faulters for them.

written by Hope1, 10 February, 2012

Believe: I was thinking about you. You have it all with her. She failed you failed. How can you now say there must be someone out there for you that would never fail. Do you not connect with your wife? Why would you trade all the goodness that you have with her... even through the worst here you are communicating so well with her. Do you think that would happen with another if in the same situation? You have something so very special in front of you. The purity has left but it is replaced by something much richer that you will miss.

written by Yazan, 10 February, 2012

I just wish someone will help me, I know my english isn’t so good but I will try to explain. I been married for 5 years and I have daughter she’s almost three years and half, I found out my wife cheated on my with my best friend which I thought he s my best friend since he s just son of bitch and I am thinking seriously each time I am seeing him to kill him. anyways: the issue starts that we were fighting a lot and she wasn’t trusting me, as she was telling me and honestly I have no idea why, we been married in church, when for some period we decide to be in different houses to be better to miss each others, I moved to my parents house, for around 6days. this period once my best friend told me and he s godfather of my daughter also, he told me that he want speak with my wife to calm her down because she have daughter and she must think positive, which I was happy and I thought my friend want to help our relationship, he pass to my house with my greenline; anyways, I found out later on that my wife speaking with him on the phone I was fucking shocked because I never know that they speaking with each others, anyways; I went to him after I found out theres calls from him, I hit him to max which I made his face the same as my shoe, blood all over and I put my gun on his head, he told me everything that he slept with her couple of times when I was sleeping at my parents house (IN MY HOUSE) and she went with him in the car while my daughter is sleeping lol, omg I am feeling like I am gonna kill myself, she left the house in the mid of night while my daughter is sleeping since she know very fucking well that she might wake up any second as she always does, well after all that I went home she told me, I forced her to tell me and she kept lying about my small details which its made me feel more bad even. she told me he did it with her when he asked me to sort the problem out, he wasn’t sorting the problem out he was telling her a lot of bad things like I am cheating her all time SINCE I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT SHIT , u know when someone love someone can’t cheat, I never tried even. he was telling her I am bad person and I don’t deserve her etc etc blah blah......... he used her weakness and from angriness she did it with him and she kept doing it for over month. but she released that all what this son of bitch was lies, but for me its tooooooooooo late.... and she really become better and she so tender and she’s so guilty, but in the same time I cant forgive her. I need it sooooo bad I am feeling like I am going to kill her and kill him, this son of bitch run from the whole country but I still want kill him... advice plz.

written by random45, 10 February, 2012

Whatamidoing
Let’s clear somethings up here. I am the husband and I have taken responsibility for owned up to manned up to whatever term you want to use for my screw up. Hence the patience.

Hope
I got even because this women adored me and it felt really good to have someone that actually wanted me around it felt good to be wanted again I was lonely I didn’t do it to hurt her

written by random45, 10 February, 2012

This place to is pretty depressing a lot of dragging up bad memories. It was great for me when I was in that dark hole and needed some help but I’m not there anymore I am much happier now I am going to go away for awhile I’ll check back on u guys in a few weeks update u on how things are going hope u all get what you are looking for best of luck bye for now

written by random45, 10 February, 2012

Thanks for all of your help and support. You guys made it much easier. To get through the bad days

written by TellTheTruth, 11 February, 2012

The world is more messed up than it is okay.

written by TellTheTruth, 11 February, 2012

@Yazan – So, you want to kill the guy (I don’t even want to call him your friend let alone calling him your best friend or ex-best friend) and go to jail and leave your wife and your kid to the other dogs? She will have fun, but what about your daughter? Do you want your daughter to be abused by the low lives in your wife’s life? The only people that will suffer that don’t deserve to suffer are you and your daughter. This is the time for you to be the man and the father. Don’t be stupid and mess up your life and your daughter’s. Fact is, your wife let the cheating happen. She is more than 50% responsible for this, more than your so-called best friend. I don’t know what country you live in, but try to get the custody of your daughter if possible and leave your wife to the dogs.

@Hope1 – You are not thinking straight. Because you want your marriage to survive, you are rooting for the other marriages here. You are looking for a reason for these men here to not leave their wives hoping that your husband would find a reason too to not leave you. Thing is, your situation is different. You were providing your husband with women in your marriage. For the others, I still say there is no point in staying in these marriages. They never will know if they can trust their wives. Every emotion of their wife whether it is happiness or anger or even if she is lovey-dovey with them, all it is going to do is trigger negative emotions in them for the next so many years to come. It is not worth it IMO. You say how do you know if the new woman is going to be faithful? There is hope even if it is 1% or less than 1%, right? The current women in their lives already proved that they can’t be faithful. So, anyone new is anytime better until she too proves that she can’t be faithful. Personally, I would prefer to live in that hope rather than suspecting every movement of my cheating wife every moment of my life for the rest of my life. If there is no peace of mind because of their supposed better half, they can’t achieve anything in their life. Personally again, I am not a multi-tasker, so I go issue by issue. If I have some unresolved issue, I can’t focus on any other. If my wife is my issue I will get rid of her so that I can concentrate better on the other things in my life. They are not me, so in their situations they know better.

written by Aj the demon, 11 February, 2012

Well I think I’ll tell you people my story maybe it may cheer you up. I originally came on here to vent but I read your stories so here’s mine. My now ex-wife cheated on me for the seemingly second time about six months ago. The first time was long ago I’ve known Alicia since we were about five years old. Her first time was when we were still dating; we were stupid kids so I let it slide. The divorce was finalized yesterday but the discovery of the affair was what’s interesting. We lived in an old brick converted 19th century meeting house for the order of Odd fellows. Huge tall windows tall building kind of thin, I had this property before our marriage. The house is three levels tall. Our bedroom was on the third floor. It’s not far from work or the police station. Just a little background information so my story will make sense. I discovered that she was cheating through paying bills. Some things did not add up on my monthly statement so I called to investigate, identity thief is something that happened to my sister so I am always extra careful. Well after a little research I discovered that one of the charges was for a couple’s spa, she could have gone with a friend, so I decided to start logging activities. I found out after a few days she was cheating with a guy at her work, some Guido, and well I just waited. I am known for being able to wait until the correct moment. A few days past and I are gathering evidence, stocking it in my car. I work late every Wednesday but this day I took the day off. I prepared and waited well I’m sitting in Twigs (a local coffee shop) waiting for them. I see them enter my house and I order a second cinnamon latte (well plotting is thirsty work) and walk back behind the store to the parking lot. I hop into my car and drive the short distance to my house oh a good minute including the stop sign. I park in my neighbour’s slot. Jim doesn’t drive and doesn’t mind I basically drive him to his appointments and to the grocery story, in my opinion 94 year olds should be catered to. I slightly open the front door trying to be silent. I slip in the back door and make it half way up the stairs silent as a ghost.

written by Aj the demon, 11 February, 2012

About half way up I pretend to trip over Longfellow (my cat) to make a ruckus and alert them to my presence in the house, mainly cussing out the cat. I could hear them moving around in a panic upstairs, I smile to myself for the havoc am about to unleash. I briefly thought of fighting the guy but no no no I had already thought of something much better. See when I was small I had a bad stammer and my parents put me in acting classes because of it so thanks mom and dad. I trudge heavily up the rest of the stairs putting on the appearance of sadness; I walked into our room seeing her rather dishevelled in a robe on our bed. I don’t say a word. I just sit on the floor in front of the closet. She looked perplexed and started to ask what I was doing home I ignored her and just placed my head between my knees and said “I’m sorry”. She was stunned. I just sat there this went on in hilarious silence for a good ten minutes as I started to sob softly to myself. She is there in silence confused as hell. She comes over and sits next to me, the guy blocked by my ass trapped in the closet. I just repeat that I’m sorry that I should have listened to her. I hate doctors never really go; it was a point of argument between us. I’ve had too many bad experiences with doctors. She tries to be the comforting wife and softly asks what’s wrong. I let twenty minutes pass before I utter in a broken voice, I have Aids. She recoils from me shock and horror on her face; I keep my head mostly down sneaking a brief glimpse from time to time. I couldn’t look I was laughing to death on the inside. I could hear stirrings in the closet. I just repeat I’m sorry Alicia I don’t know how this happened. She’s screaming at me I let her vent rant and rave to her hearts content. She manages to ask how long. I just say “I should have listened to you I’m sorry”. I then proceed on my monologue explaining how the sinus trouble I’d been having for the last few months finally drove me insane enough to get it checked out, the doctors told me I’ve had HIV for years and that it only recently manifested in to full blown aids.

written by Aj the demon, 11 February, 2012

Ignore her ranting’s she’s livid. I manage… you need to get tested but since she’s not been with anyone else for years… I trailed off and just sunk my head into my knees. She’s screaming throwing things and carrying on creating quite a ruckus. Well it wasn’t long until the police were called for a domestic disturbance. I’d left the front door open so they could just waltz right in. Well the officers come up the stairs as she’s fumbling with the phone to book a doctor’s appointment. She screams at me at the officer like a wild woman ranting and raving, she’s hysterical. The officer asks what’s problem, she throws the phone at me. I stand up with a devilish grin on my face and say “Oh not much officer just a little fun with the missus” everyone in the room is quite. The officer asks her if I attacked her she said no but she threatened to kill me. I do know how to push her buttons. The second officer takes her out of the room to take her statement. I wait a few moments as Officer 1 is still with me in the room and well he demands to know what’s going on. I simply open the closet door to reveal the nude Guido; his face is white as a ghost. With a devilish grin I say well my wife was slogging this guy so I thought I should have a little fun too. The cop just looks at me and starts to laugh he calls his partner in with my ex-wife and all is revealed. All I said is “Alicia your pathetic and oh so gullible it’s over.” Since I had the two cops, her written statement and a naked man in the closet, I got a rapid divorce with no claims false claims of abuse. I kept my house and my stuff and haven’t seen her since the divorce was finalised. Well I was bitter for a while but now I’m not I guess so this post is just to make people laugh at what happened I guess because everyone is so gloomy. It will get better and well not all women cheat. Oh the cops now are buddies of mine and since I didn’t call or make a claim it was perfectly legal. Don’t get mad stay calm and carry on. Oh and for insulting Longfellow I purchased that cat a whole king crab of its own he was a useful prop and did me a solid by being there. I guess my evil plot and writing about it a cathartic in a way. Sorry about the three part post but its a looong story.

written by Mike A, 11 February, 2012

Hey guys, I met my wife on the internet in 2004. We played games together and finally met in 2006 she moved here with me and things were great. We got married in May of last year. We rarely argued and when we did it was over dumb things.We had an argument 3 weeks after we got married. She got me really heated I do not even remember the argument or what was said. She has been holding a grudge against me ever since. She said I told her I didnt want kids with her, which she knows is not true, but she held it against me. On jan. 13 I found out she was planning on moving away. I tried to stay calm and talk to her a few times but she moved out a few weeks before she was suppose to leave and stayed with a friend. I felt lost and confused and all kinds of things I am sure you guys know. So I make her dinner a couple days before she leaves she says she has no plans as of yet and doesnt know what will happen. She was totally emotionless towards me and if I touched her she felt dead. So she leaves and I do not hear from her for 2 weeks. Iwas left drained and upset and felt like dying I loved this woman so much and I was to blame for her leaving. So I got a gut feeling and hacked into her messengers and found her talking to another guy so i confronted her while they were chatting. She denied ever talking to someone else and I was reading her messages to him making fun of me while I was talking to her. I told her I was reading everything she typed to him and she still tried to deny it. I feel so stupid that I thought this was totally my fault and it won’t go away I know it takes time but how long do I have to feel like this and Was it my fault? Doesn’t it take two to make or break a relationship? If she felt like that for all that time why didn’t she talk to me? I asked her that and she said she did after the argument. She left it up to me to fix but how can you fix something embedded into someones mind? Especially if they don’t talk to you. She wasn’t outgoing or social and I couldnt get her to do anything with me as a couple all she did was play damn online games.She acted fine the whole time until the end of december.I told her she wasn’t worth my love, time or respect any longer and logged out when I caught them. the next day I was deleted from all contact on social sites by her entire family. did they know what she was doing all along? What the hell do I do now?

written by Nick F, 13 February, 2012

I married the woman of my dreams, or so I thought. I had a few problems growing up and into my early 20’s, I hold my hands up for the mistakes I made. I met my ex wife and instantly fell in love with her, in-fact the friend I was with that night, when she walked up the stairs in the bar, I told my friend, I am going to marry that girl, and I did 18 months later.

I was and in a lot of ways still am totally devoted to her. I guess I was stupid, I was punching well above my weight class, I am an ok looking guy and make a reasonable living, some may even call comfortable, my ex-wife was an ex Miss Poland and professional model with Playboy to name but a few of the magazines. The more incredible thing was she really did love me.

The credit crunch hit and I had to take a job abroad in Poland, I thought that would be easier as she is Polish, huge mistake. She was on her own in London for 4 months in that time she met and had an affair with one man I know for certain and maybe one more but I could not prove that.

I had a feeling something was wrong as she was constantly arguing and very distant, I don’t like to admit it but I checked her phone and emails and discovered what was going on, when I confronted her she completely denied it. I believed her at first, but deep down I knew she was lying, I gave her an ultimatum one Christmas 3 years ago now, tell me the truth or I want a divorce, even then she could not tell me, even after I printed out the proof and showed it to her.

I am not proud of it, but it got ugly and nasty, first time in my life where I had to leave otherwise I was going to get violent, I just could not comprehend or deal with what happened and why.

She is now happily involved with a friend of the guy she had the affair with, and she has the life she wanted I guess lots of money and very little worries.

Even now I think about her everyday and blame myself, I still love her with all my heart and I guess I always will.

I am not proud of some of the things I did during the divorce and yeah I went off the rails a bit, I do know this. After everything I would take her back in a heartbeat, but it will never happen.

I just do not know how to get her and my feelings to a point where I feel I can move on properly, my last girlfriend wanted to get married and have kids, fantastic girl, but I just could not go through with it....

Life moves on, but a lot of the time feelings stay the same. I still do not know why she did what she did, I gave her everything I could and never once even considered looking at another women, not because she beautiful on the outside, but to me she was my soul mate and still is... It really does suck sometimes.

written by Hope1, 14 February, 2012

Happy Valentine’s Day to all! It is today that I too have decided to sign off. St. Valentine’s story teaches us to love unconditionally. I pray I can do just that... if only from afar. Today I have decided to stop visiting the ever so present past. Today I decided to sign off from everything that pulls me into the past. Moving fwd guys and the only way to do this is to "accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Take Care.

written by Yeah, 16 February, 2012

Leave your wives and get a girl that deserves you and wont lie or betray you!

written by ditto, 23 February, 2012

They all cheat no matter how sweet they are or seem to be.

written by Michael – K, 25 February, 2012

I’m a 45 year old man who has discovered that my wife of nearly 11 years has been cheating on me with one of our close family friends whom I’d went to grad school with. We have 2 kids aged 7 and 4, my work entails long hours yet affords me to provide my family with a lifestyle that comes with several perks. To say that I’m pissed off given the recent developments in my marriage is a f*****g understatement! I came from literally nothing, worked multiple jobs so that I could finance my studies at an Ivy league university and eventually achieved the seemingly ‘impossible’ given my very humble beginnings. I’d met my wife 13 years ago at a friend’s party and we immediately hit it off. I really did believe that I had met my soul mate at the time and she ‘supposedly’ felt the same as well. We had tied the knot 2 years later (mind you, my friend was the best man at our wedding) and thereafter honeymooned in Europe. She continued to work after we had gotten married up until we decided to have kids and she had made the decision to stay at home full-time. Over the past few months, I’d noticed changes in her behavior and eventually was led to believe that something was indeed up. The suspicions became so overwhelming that I eventually hired a private investigator who after 3 weeks managed to secure enough evidence to support the fact that my wife has been cheating on me, not just with anyone but with my close friend. The worst part is that I had confided to the SOB that I think my wife is having an affair and he was ‘supportive’, the irony of it all! After I was informed of the investigator’s findings, I had kept it to myself pondering how to go about confronting my wife and my friend about their "escapades" and as it happens, I didn’t have to ponder any further because it so happened that around 2 weekends ago,we had sent our kids away to stay at my mom’s house for the weekend and I was meant to attend an out-of-town conference which was actually cancelled at the last minute of which I didn’t inform my wife about. I finally decided to pitch up at our house unexpected on the Saturday evening and parked my car further down our street so that it wasn’t visible. I came through to the back and found my friend’s car parked in the driveway, the back door leading into the kitchen wasn’t locked so I opened it and proceeded in and continued on upstairs, it appears my presence in the house was unbeknownst to them at this moment. I took of my shoes and tiptoed eventually walking into our bedroom which is at the end of the hallway and the door was slightly ajar, the thoughts that were going through my head is something that I myself cannot comprehend, I felt such rage and disappointment because I knew what was happening and to actually see it occurring before my eyes was simply unimaginable in itself. I walked in and the bed was clearly undone, we have an en-suite as well and I could hear the water in the shower running. I walked into the bathroom, the shower enclosure itself was misty and through it, I could see two people very much busy with each other. You can’t get anymore oblivious than this simply because they still didn’t realize that I was there, at that moment I punched the shower glass and my wife began screaming hysterically. Suffice to say, I did utilize several expletive words during this confrontation and I told them about the private investigator etc, my friend was ‘lost’ for words because he knows that I confided in him. Seeing them together just sent me into a spiral and I punched him breaking his nose in the process. My wife continued to say she’s sorry over and over, whilst she was still in the shower and my friend had ran downstairs, I took a suitcase and began shoving my wife’s clothes into it and threw it from the balcony just missing my friend’s car by a few inches. I basically told her to f**k off and don’t ever think of stepping into this house ever again! 2 weeks later and I am being charged with assault.My wife is now at her mother’s playing the ‘sympathy’ card and my kids have only seen her once since I’ve thrown her her out. I’m the type that believes in the fact that when I say "yes" as far as my marriage vows are concerned, I mean forever, call me old fashioned but it’s just the way that I am. I gave my wife everything that money can buy, so much so that her society friends were ‘jealous’ but my wife still didn’t think it was enough, obviously. Now just about everyone knows that our marriage is in the gutter at the moment and after much deliberation, I have decided that I am going to press on for divorce and since we have an ante-nuptial agreement, my name is on all our assets as it stands. I don’t think she deserves a penny other than the fact that I will pay maintenance and will share custody with her as I couldn’t do the opposite to my kids in the long run and deprive them of a mother.

written by Framed, 25 February, 2012

Well, you could allow her to use a Classic Transference Technique on you. See? One of these days a terrific woman will make eyes at you, and next thing you know, you will be cheating on your wife as a form of payback. Only, she will find out accuse you of violence and take everything you have with the systems help due to VAWA. I would begin to slowly hide assets and prep for the worst.

written by Michael – K, 26 February, 2012

Thanks for your advice. As a matter of fact, I have consulted with my lawyer and accountant respectively, I am now taking appropriate measures towards ‘judgment proofing’ my assets etc and yes, I was told by the former to be prepared for the worst. Regarding the bit about ‘payback’, I don’t think I’m by any means even close to chasing another woman just yet as I’m still reeling from the fact that my best friend has been banging my wife behind my back which has been a frequent occurrence for nearly a year in fact (I’ve managed to retrieve my wife’s phone records)and my friend’s number accounts for over 70% of her calls with them being made at all sorts of times throughout the day and I only caught on a couple of months ago. The more I think about it, I can’t even get past the fact that every time I was with my wife during that period, she had just f****d my friend a few hours earlier!

written by Used, 06 March, 2012

Dated my wife for approximately 4 years. She went to school out of town. I always visited, spend at least every other weekend with her (the other weekends, I was trying to work to pay my way to see her and go to college). I always bought her clothes, flowers, etc. I treated her with love, honesty and respect.

Fast forward 4 years, I propose, we get married. Three months into the marriage, I find out she had another boyfriend almost the entire time. She "only" cheated on me twice while we were engaged, although one of those times was 1 month before the wedding. She also had a one night stand during the time she cheated on me with him.

No kids to worry about. She says she’s going to change. I refuse to believe it. When I found out, she called him. He was at our wedding! She still talked to him throughout our marriage even after the physical affair ended.

Stay or go?

written by Samesituation, 07 March, 2012

This message for Used... Go GO GO while you can.. without kids believe me just go do not stay... the only thing that you got out of that mess is THE DOUBT..You will always will Doubt about what she is doing or where is she at.. at least for a second its going to hit you. Trust is like virginity when is broken there is not way to get it back... you may hear that you can work it out together to get the trust back, Believe, it will hit you the DOUBT about her. Start "Clean" ?. I do not believe that after that situation you could start clean with another person because you are not the same person after all. You are not going to see her and see your live the same way. Your life change in good or bad way after this.. I was always told look for the good thing about that mess heheh I really could not find it for a long time. Trust ? I trusted once.. I do not trust even my own shadow because I am not going to find it at night... there is only one that is not going to let you down ever. You know who he , it or what ever it is... GOD. HE will never let you down... remember GOD always work using ways that we do not understand sometimes.. but he knows why things happened.

First time writing here, but reading for 2 years already.

written by Used, 07 March, 2012

The decision is tough to stay or go. I want to believe that she’s going to change. She sees the tip of the iceberg in terms of the damage she has caused. Yet, no one would suspect her to do this. Not my friends or family nor hers. It’s a tough decision because I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I do also believe in God, which is the only reason why I have stayed this far. I do believe that he can change people and heal old wounds. But the bible even talks about this being the sin which makes divorce is okay. It’s a tough call. Before I found out, she had it in her mind that she’d do the marriage right and not cheat. But i’m not so sure it’s possible for her. Comments for this?

written by James Moore, 17 March, 2012

My advice to you all is to think this way: His/her betrayal and lies are his/her problem not mine. I am not affected by his/her problem. When we got married it was on a monogamous basis and therefore the she/he is breaking that agreement. Therefore she/he must either be honest and tell me whether she/he can be monogamous or not. If not then we must simply part ways. I shall be mature and evolved. I shall not let my thoughts and feelings dictate my actions. How I react to others misgivings is up to me. I am not a hormonal teenager anymore! etc

written by Forever Torn, 14 April, 2012

Ok I have read everyone’s stories and man I know now that I am not alone in this. I really appreciate the stories everyone have shared, they have helped me a lot.

Well I have been with my wife for 7 years now and married for 5 it will be 6 in may. We got married in 2007. Well it was great. She was pregnant and we got our first home I worked my ass off and treated her like a queen. We had the baby and it was perfect... Well for four months it was. When our baby was 4 months old she cheated on me for an entire month. She was leaving with her friend who I have always thought to be a slut and down right morals. Ok well the moment I found out I confronted her and she broke and confessed to everything. Said it was nothing, it she was young and felt like everything went so fast that it was just supposed to be a fun thing. Never planned on leaving me. But I knew that something was wrong when she wasn’t basically begging for sex at least a couple times a day. We had no sex the entire month and this month was our first anniversary. Ok well I forgive her she was my first love and I felt she wouldn’t do it again that she understood her mistake and we just had a baby. Well everything goes well for a year and a half and we are pregnant again. My second child grows a year and everything is great. She walks out on me and in 4 days moves a guy in with her at her friends house and they are together for 4 months. But here is the kicker she is pregnant and it is a coin toss all the way. I feel like such a fool after the 4 month affair she fears me moving forward in a new relationship and comes flying back. Tells me it is certainly my baby. I take her back and much need fighting and trust restrictions. Well same damn story. We are good till my son is born and two weeks later she starts her running off ahit and staying the night at her friends house( yes the same friend that just happens to be there every time my wife cheated) and not coming home but maybe 2 days a week. Well I we fight and she leaves again. We talk and work it out and it feels like she argues to keep it from working. She walked out on me again and the kids and into another guys house and this time she is in love and crazy about him within the first week. I’m pretty sure that men’s she cheated the entire time since my son was born. And was working her way out the door. Omg wtf is wrong with these damn women. I was a great husband and hell I took care of the kids too. I don’t believe she can change. Once a cheater always a cheater because if you don’t punish them they only learn you will bend and they can get away with it. The fucked up part was I know she loves me but I think she is sick literally. I think she has issues. Like postpartum depression after the babies. How can you ever trust some one after all this. I feel like I can’t go on after this time. But she is still the love of my life and nothing matters if I don’t share it with her. She really did a number on me to the point I can’t be happy with her or with out her. I’m torn and it will never get better for me.

written by Mike Curtin, 19 April, 2012

Wow,I feel for you all, I’m online to find out I’m not alone here, and there is no quick or long fix.
We were going to church, she had to have her Green Bay football on Sundays after abandoning me Wed Fri, Sat night drinking, flirting, well... Is flirting mean when i asked her why Blonde now, OH well blondes get more attention.
I hate her and love her and depressed, she called me manic depressive (in a nice way) : ) Ive always been independent smart good looking bread winner family man I’m proud to set the example for my younger siblings. Not till she ran me thru this emotional quiet game of 6 years. I was fine before this.
So I’m a carpenter not a typer as u all noticed.
I need an answer........
I can forgive but that’s easier said than done i see from ur posts, wow even the fella of a 20 year resentment.
I could be next, do I date? A Divorce would be emotionally, financially draining...... Here we go again, IGNORE it and it will kill u later, either the spouse or the divorce.,,,,HELP i i i i ya that’s part of my problem to, its about US....Im sad, I just want to feel like I’m loved daily, and i’m not sure if she is capable of making me special again, I’m 2or 3 weeks into this shocking news of her 1 year affair with the world...
Can I make her feel special daily?
This stuff hurts alot..... I’m not motivated to do anything lately I thought i had an unbreakable foundation. But it was manipulated lies, enough to feel unsure about everything, Pray for us.

written by TellTheTruth, 12 May, 2012

@MikeCurtin – You said you’ve always been independent, smart, good-looking bread winner family man and that you are proud to set the example for your younger siblings. Don’t you think you deserve better than this woman? Maybe you will forgive, but I don’t think you will ever be able to forget this as long as you are with her. She gave you a memory that would stick with you forever and will she stop? Is there any guarantee that she will not do this to you again in the future? Why is a married woman making herself available to other men by going out four days a week without you? I suggest start working out and start dating again. There are plenty of women out there that would appreciate a good man. Even if you cannot find a good woman you can find plenty of the type of women that you are currently with that you can have without going through this kind of trauma. If you want a woman that is like someone you currently have under your roof, do you really need her to be under the same roof as you? There are plenty out there that want ONS or FWB relationships. Why not go for them instead? I don’t see any additional risk to you in being with them when you compare to the risk you have from the one you have under the same roof as you.

written by Movieguy, 16 May, 2012

Ive been married 4 years I have know her for 6. A few weeks ago I found out she cheated on me with a ex that is also married n 2 years ago she sextext another guy seems like ever since we been married we been in hell in her mind I have decide to stay with her cuz I love her but I feel less than a men n angry everyone even her family have told me to leave her she says she has change can I trust her? Will this pain ever go away? Am I making the right choice?

written by Judgment., 21 June, 2012

I am thankful when I was cheated on it was only my long-term girlfriend and no children were involved. This had made me reconsider any long-term relationships or marriages. Though I don’t deny that there are good and faithful women out there, the cheating vermin outnumber them by many! I urge all of you that have cheating wives/girlfriends to leave them immediately, sometimes it is better for the children...and for yourself. Now free from all of the stress from relationships, I focus on myself and the people who are there for me (mom, dad, friends, etc). Surprising, I live quite the fulfilling life. I have a really high paying job and in my free time I like to go gym, play music, and do adventurous things. However, the world can’t go on like this, I have now made it a goal to try to go into politics and try to make infidelity an outlaw. I want the world to know that there is someone passing judgment on the wicked! Trust me...free yourself and live the happy life you deserve! I wish all of you here the best of luck in the future.

written by Pain, 22 June, 2012

All you men that are contemplating whether to leave a cheating b*tch are pathetic! Grow some balls and take her to the washers, burn her to hell, you doesn’t deserve your kind soul! Your life is limited so try to maximize your happiness while you still can. Being attached to someone that has defiled you (even if you have kids) isn’t maximizing your happiness. Trust me and get it over with, stop contemplating and make a god damn decision! Most of the time, staying with an infidel will just make you miserable. Divorce and focus on your life, there are good women out there.

written by This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , 26 June, 2012

What are you talking about, after 5 years of marriage the sex becomes nothing more than a routine, though the love is still there the passion is almost gone. So what if your wife cheats on you now and than, it should sexually excite you even more when you see that someone else desires her, it should bring the passion back onto you and you would love her again like the very first time! I know so many families with faithful wives that ended up in a bitter divorce because the sex was boring… Get a life and don’t patronize her, she has the same right like you to be sexually happy… unless you are a selfish guy the believes that you have an obsolete right of your slave. Wake up we live in the 3 rd Millennium, the women are smart and have high paid jobs and they don’t even need a man in order to live a decent life, she made you a favor she married you.

written by Quitbishin, 12 July, 2012

Awww, all the men sulking cause a 100 or more years worth of Karma is hitting the masses. Get over it. Men have been cheating on the wives, girlfriends since the b.c.’s with smiles on their faces. How many of you that are upset have secretly cheated but the wife or gf that got caught doesn’t know? I’m willing to wager half you had already done it first. It’s a man thing though and for many of you this isn’t about feelings this is all ego. No female property of yours should be stepping out for a good ol time. The OP was married for 30 years...30 freaking years! He never cheated?? Ha, I don’t buy it one minute, most men get the 7 year itch and you can bet your life they scratch.

written by my wife the whore, 24 July, 2012

I was married for 16 years and then I found out my wife started having an affair with a man almost 30 years older than her. He’s almost 70. The funny thing is the guy looks exactly like her father and has the same profession as her father. It turns out my wife was a people pleaser and did not know how to make her wishes known in a relationship. So things were pretty bad but I was clueless about it because she never said anything. I have to accept some of the blame, but my wife now resents being a people pleaser through our marriage and it seems that the affair is her way of getting "even" with me. I never cheated on her, ever. Now her anger has boiled over into a really ugly divorce complete with custody battle. My poor daughter is stuck in the middle of all this as my ex is hell-bent on moving to another country to live with this man for the few years he has left on this earth. The moral of the story: even after so many years of marriage, it is easy to not really know the person you are married to. My ex is mentally sick (she was in a mental institute as well), and it seems I am the one paying for it in more than one way..

written by awake in miami, 16 August, 2012

Ever since my other half cheated on me i have become a different person. The fact she never admitted it has only made it worse. I have information I cant share with her regarding her fling. I hoped she would come clean but no. Now i live with a bad outlook on women. I no longer see the reasons people would marry. I have built a wall around my heart and I feel great about it. I touch no one , no one touches me... She is a great mother to our kids and I could not think of a better influence for them but as a wife she really screwed up something that was special.

written by redban, 12 September, 2012

Well I have read every single entry here and all I can say is...wow it seems to be that the majority of the writers are men. I am currently seeing a girl that dirty talks with guys online and had a fake facebook page just for showing guys he nude body. Now she finally came clean but only after I lied and said I knew what she was doing because I hacked her computer but anyways, she confessed everything. So she said she would change but I had my suspicions about her trust so I made a fake account on facebook, put up a pic of a cute guy, and messaged her. Geuss what happened She took the bait and flirted with my fake made up guy.Not only did she chat and talk bad about me but she actually showed me (on the fake account) all the nude pics I wanted. So I eventually told her that I knew what she did and she said that she wanted to end things but I said I wanted to stay friends but she wanted me to love her cause she was in love with me. Well folks, I’m back with her but I’m really not back with her and I’m not really in this relationship To be honest I think that I’m very open minded so I can fake this relationship long enough until I find someone better. At this point I’m using her for sex and any love I had for her went out the window when she sent those pics. Now I just find a better girl to make her jealous Guys listen to me, dont get into a relationship with a woman they suck your money and they try to suck your heart and mind out of you too. Women are animals just like us men so don’t be fooled into thinking that the majority of women are princesses and you are the knight in some delusional fantasy, I’m sorry but it doesn’t work that way, nature is smart and it finds ways to make us move on to multiply our species. Hmmm maybe ill start an open relationship, that sounds honest and well...fair anyways what do you guys think?

written by Summer lovers, 04 November, 2012

like all the stories.I have found out recently my wife cheated on me. She went home to see her family overseas but took a side trip that I didn’t know to Hawaii. there she meet up a coworker she has been having an affair with for months. I have always been suspicious as her phone was always keep with her and in business trips she didn’t even call during the nights. When she came home already suspicious but I guess didn’t want to know the truth. Then one night, it was bother me so I went to look for her camera and found she was with this guy in Hawaii her coworker. It was a shocker. I went to our bedroom and just left the camera there with there picture together. Angrily walked away and she fessed up. Hurt, betrayed and trust was all but gone. After a week she begging for me back. It just changed, I knew for the first time, I truly loved this person. I had my doubts for a long time that i did.It was just missing. Ok I know she cheated but I had given her no reason to love me for a long time. Just going through the motions. The end, after telling me she loved me etc. and many arguments.. she just turned off, she doesn’t know truly if she loves me. I guess I needed to hear it. I can move on now. She can’t say if she does or not. We have 3 great kids together. It’s hard that they will have a broken family but they will survive. I appreciate that she did not continue the lie anymore and just let me go. Now everything is a mess. We have to sell the house... Of course I am going to get custody of my son. The 2 other girls I helped raise when they were little but they were not mine. Will be heart broken, but they are the big sisters to my son. In the end... I love her... But will move on. Only time will tell if she will fight for me back or not. If not, we had one great son together.

written by Samson, 12 November, 2012

I am married with my GF who had cheated on me 3 times, the last one was too tough to hold myself together, but I m still trying hard to control it. And I know that it is impossible even after I had a baby from her womb.. I still suspect that that baby is not mine since everything is different... And I know that nothing is right in our relationship even though I try to submit to my GF who is now my wife.... There is no solution.. the best solution is "break the relation before marriage"....

written by Wavering, 30 December, 2012

Five children 12 years marriage – wife then has four month relationship, I suspect it for four months and then ask her – she is honest tells me the sordid details – I love her – and I believe somewhere inside her she loves me – but she says she does not. She does not want divorce – but she also seems unrepentant – – she is trying and cut off relationships – but obviously difficult to trust her – she doe s very little in the house or for the children – I am hoping she will get over it – but time is ticking out – easy to say I should ‘kick her out’ but she is the mother of the kids – sometimes people loose it – but can you trust ever again – probably not – she still does not understand what she has done – conclusion temporary insanity – -I will try my best to help her recover.

written by stoopid me, 29 January, 2013

Unbelievable and good to hear some, not many, positives about cheating wives.
I found out 3 months ago that my wife of nearly 6 years was having an affair. The guy was chubby, lived with his mum, had a crappy job, drove a crappy car and was/is a boring f*ck.
I have good job, car, tall, slim, reasonably good looking and very outgoing. So wtf did she see in this a"shole?
Well apparently he was, "nice to talk to", well maybe she should just had spoken to him instead of giving him bj’s, f*cking in car, her mums house, hotel etc etc for 5 months?
When I found out, apparently it had been over for a whole 2 weeks?
She 1st of all denied they had sex, found out next day that was a lie, said only a few times over the last 3 weeks of the affair, lie again, only her on top, lie, no bj, lie, never in a hotel, lie, never anywhere else apart from his car, lie again. These lies kept coming until 4 weeks ago until his GF contacted me, he had told my wife he was single. Well that’s when I found out most of what had really been going on. Question is, for 2 months my wife had made up most bullsh^t to protect who> her, me, him? who knows.
I have decided, for the moment, to make a go of things for all concerned. I really do love her, we have a 9 year old daughter who is both our worlds.
She is so ashamed, embarrassed and guilty, this is the only time anything has happened. I think?
She does say she loves me and wants me and that feeling is mutual. But every 3 or 4 days I cannot control my anger and disappointment in her and start questioning why she done this to me? This does not help either of us or the situation as it leads to us rowing and falling out.
I have already confronted him and the police are involved, so that has to stop.
She and the f*ckwit had no emotional feelings for each other, it was somebody to talk to at first and turned physical.
She and he never contemplated on leaving either party.
I cannot get the thought of the 2 of them together or who I have been wronged, I am seeing a counselor and that helps.

This is nightmare that I hoped would never happen to me.

It has, so what to do now?

I hope I can get over this and move on, so any good advice will be appreciated.

written by Jerry209, 22 February, 2013

Hi "stoopid me",
I know your situation. It is so much like mine that it is scary, just no police involved with me.

First of all, please try not to think of yourself as stupid. I went through that phase and it wasn’t healthy. Try to turn it around and think of yourself as trusting. I never suspected my wife because I trusted her completely. It feels better than thinking of yourself as stupid.

Second, do you have children together? If you don’t, then you should separate from your wife. Kick her out. Fullstop. Then tell her that she has a year to prove to you that she is willing to make amends. Then let her try. If she can prove herself then you might take her back. If not, then you know what to do. If you have children then it is harder. Welcome to my world.

Third, don’t be afraid. There are plenty of beautiful, fun women in the world and if things don’t work out with the one that you have then with confidence and time you will find another. Use the next year to hone your skills as a partner and man so that if it doesn’t work out then your next relationship will turn out better.

Good luck to you. One year on and I’m still working on it.

written by STOOPID ME, 04 March, 2013

Thanks Jerry209, good advice and I will try and work on everything. It is very difficult when you do trust someone 100% and then get shat upon. Good luck to you also mate.