Past Comments – My wife cheated while she was deployed

written by Shea, 06 April, 2013

I don’t understand why people chalk up cheating to a problem in the relationship. There is a vast body of scientific, ethnographic and anthropological research that shows that people just want to have sex with other people. There doesn’t have to be something wrong. We’re social creatures.

Having said that, if you are in a monogamous relationship, then a person cheating has more to do with a communication problem then a problem with the quality of the relationship itself. A person who cannot, for fear of breaking taboos or other reasons, communicate their feelings to their partner about being sexually attracted to others clearly has emotional "maturing" and evolving that needs to take place (perhaps both partners do).

I have a polyamorous relationship with very specific boundaries with my husband. Communication is the cornerstone in our relationship. Sexual and emotional needs change overtime- that is fundamental to human nature. We change. We need to be able to communicate that change to our partners so that we can transform our reality or perspective to encompass and validate that change.

Cheating is an unacceptable behavior in my opinion, but mostly because it signifies a person’s inability to be honest. Even a person in an unhappy relationship (who would have a "reason" to cheat) is actually just being dishonest- to themselves and the other person, both in their inability to leave a relationship that doesn’t work for them, and their inability to communicate their wants/needs/desires.

Bottom line: People don’t cheat because their present relationship is bad, necessarily. People cheat because it’s the social manifestation of an inability to communicate their internal world to their partner, and reconcile that world with the cultural/societal taboos placed upon all of us.

written by MBGC, 06 April, 2013

Agree much.

written by FF, 06 April, 2013

Sounds like emotional cheating but that she realized what she was doing wrong and stopped it before it went further. Sounds like she still loves you and wants to be with you. At least she realized the mistake she was about to make. I would imagine that the pressure of being over there also took a mental toll on her. Perhaps forgiveness might work in this situation and that at least she was honest and told you instead of keeping the secret which would have probably been easy to do. She has a conscience at least.

written by Clay, 07 April, 2013

That’s a hard situation for both of you. I’m sure you had friends to lean on while she was gone but maybe she didn’t. This fellow she was with was a shoulder to lean on and she most likely was his shoulder as well. If it was a woman, would you still have issue with her behavior? My best advice is to give her some latitude and some understanding, forgive but never forget.