A book by a founder of this site.
Past Comments – Letting the past poison the present
written by RecoveringWife, 15 March, 2012
I, too, am suffering from the same problem as you. Letting the past poison the present seems to be my biggest problem in coping with the infidelity that occurred in my marriage. I feel that the advice offered here is truly the best. I have heard this same advice over and over. It’s so hard when you’re looking at your loved one and have that awful image creep into the picture. My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel. I do hope that time will help. As for myself, I have yet to find something to occupy my mind so much as I am hoping for.
written by smariel, 31 March, 2012
I am a fan of this site, but I have to say, this guy put a lot of effort into his letter and I was expecting a bit more of a response, no? Nonetheless, I think the advice is basically right. Your situation is tough, if I were you (I’m a woman), I’d probably have residual trust issues for a while – these were serious betrayals and hard to move past. But... you say she is doing everything (it is everything, right?) you ask and need now to feel secure and to trust her. If this is the truth, and the relationship is fulfilling, then I agree just try to distract yourself when these negative thoughts come up and eventually they’ll dissipate. Maybe pick up some type of hobby, or go on a vacation with your brother or dad.. something to change things up. Good luck.
written by mark peerce, 09 May, 2012
same problem. i keep arguing with her, so i know i can hurt her feelings too. its the only way I get satisfaction (unfortunately)
written by Cazzita, 23 August, 2012
I also have issues trusting my husband as he lied about communications with his first love. If he can hide the mere fact that he communicated, then he could hide a lot more. Of course, I feel I have only heard the sanitized parts (she came onto me but I rebuffed her) but an email from her says ‘do you regret that night’ ‘do you still think of that night’! His reassurances seem very hollow and threaten our whole marriage – I hate lies and would much rather KNOW but it’s like getting blood from a stone. He freaked out when I mentioned a lie-detector test too – he says they can be wrong!
written by LongSuffering ...., 29 October, 2012
In finding out about one of my husband’s ‘needy’ encounters, I kept having a picture of him doing nasty things to her body with his mouth pop up while I’d be trying to have a conversation with him. It was almost as real as if it were happening...palpable, tangible, and olfactory sensitive!! I thought for a moment that my mind was going crazy. Then, after praying what to do about it, I got the idea to insist that he tell me the ‘intimate details’ about that particular night. Now, I’m not one to want details ‘cause I didn’t want to have to ‘deal with the pictures’......BUT, they were coming to my mind anyway. Well, let me tell you, the day I called him inside from mowing the lawn and told him what I expected from him......well, his discomfort and lack of preparation as to how he was going to lie his way out of this particular demand......absolutely took any threat of what he’d done out of my mind!! I don’t know how it happened; but, I suspect that it was reality/truth ousting possibilities/lies that gave my mind toooootaalll deliverance. I faced my fears and they no longer had any power over me at all. Poor sick hubby hasn’t gotten a clue, yet. He was so pathetic that day that I had to repent for putting him in such a compromised position and had to ask the Lord to help me respect him again as a human.....altho’ a reallllly bumbling one!! Our days are over. He personally just chameleons his dismissive/narcissistic actions from one circumstance to another and has proven to be DISinterested in a full and loving relationship. I’ve stayed farrrrr too long. Does any place on this site give good advice about what qualities to look for in a divorce lawyer?
written by Aura, 13 November, 2012
I am going through a similar story – actually he dug for some emails from my past to feed on his jealousy and have something against me; it was nothing out of the ordinary but he acted so affected about my past with one person that he took the liberty of engaging in trashy dirty conversations with numerous women IN OUR PRESENT. After many attempts to divorce, sick reactions and therapy sessions on my part, I took a second job to keep my mind busy and not think of how he may be deceiving me any second. THIS IS A SHORT TERM SOLUTION though because the relationship is growing superficial and if there exists a mistrust problem it will come back to the surface... Hope I am prepared
written by ReneH, 05 February, 2013
Trusting someone in this day and age can be difficult if the person has hurt you in the past. Forgiving is a must but trust takes work and that work should be on the person who betrayed not the one who was hurt. Looking for excusing to trust someone will only lead to more hurt. It is the person who is in the wrong who needs to work to rebuild the trust that they destroyed.
I have my own question to ask
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