Past Comments – My wife just told me our marriage is over

Comments (165)

written by jayl, 24 October, 2008
I’m in almost the exact same situation. My wife decided years ago that her feeling for me were over, but she didn’t bother telling me, just waited in silence and stayed for the kids. I sensed her distance, tried to understand, but ended up just keeping my distance in naive hope that she would eventually come back to me. Of course, my patient waiting just solidified her (lack of) feelings for me. Four years ago she had an affair, which tore me apart and woke me up, and I made major changes in my attitude and behavior to prove that I could be the kind of guy she could love. I was persistent but patient, and four years later (now) she admits she is having another affair, this one just emotional (which I believe), but she finds ways to see him. Now I’m getting frustrated, and my jealously is starting to well up. She finally acceded to counseling, but only to placate me. She stands firm in her belief that there is no future for us whatsoever, and she wants to still stay for the kids, but is impatient to start her ‘new life’ away from me. I ask, argue, beg and plead for her to give our relationship one last chance, but she’ll have nothing to do with it. The counselor suggests separation, but based on what she is saying I don’t think that she would ever return if she left, so I’m ready to end it with her. But, I still love her deeply, I really believe that we could work it out, and want for her so much to remain for us, for me, for the kids, and frankly for herself. But she is stubborn, and done. I won’t leave because I don’t want to be apart – she does. And she won’t leave because she can’t support herself adequately, and wants to stay for the kids. In the meantime, I sleep next to a woman I love deeply but cannot touch in any manner. My heart is sick, my heart is sad, and I feel like the victim of an attack, but the attacker is my wife. But I really do love her, and cannot even fathom taking my feelings for her the same place she has taken her feelings for me. I am ready for her to leave... it’s this limbo we are in now that is driving me crazy. I don’t want to leave her or the kids...she want to leave me, but not the kids, and feels a slave to my financial support, which I’m sure adds to her resentment of me. The counselor suggests things, but any that even remotely allow for any degree of reconciliation she rejects out of hand. This is miserable, but I also can’t imagine not loving her. I can imagine the immediate future experiencing her rejection every day, but I cannot imagine living and being with her and not loving her.
written by Chris R, 04 February, 2009
I’m in the same boat!!!
written by LoNe, 05 February, 2009
I have recently gone through the same thing with my wife. I will tell you that being nice with her will not fix your problem. People that behave like this are not nice people and you can’t fix anything by letting them walk all over you.

You have to stand-up for yourself, first she’s the one who should move out,(unless there are children) not you, she the one committing adultery. Don’t play the victim here,you need to be tough and firm with her and do what’s in your best interest. Believe me if you let her, she will walk all over you!

You can’t win a women back by letting her abuse you,she will either come to her senses,which you would be better if she doesn’t, even though it my not feel that way your right now, you are probably better off without her.

I got my wife back by fighting back, and now I’m the one thinking about a divorce because it has open my eyes to what a horrible person she really is.

You need respect to have love in a relationship,which she is not giving you!
written by WTF, 22 February, 2009
I too am living and feeling the same. My wife had been cheating on me for a year and it would have gone longer if i did not find out. she said that since i did not meet her womanly needs that she felt in love with a co-worker that was also married and having issues at home. She confessed and she filed for divorced. I still love her and want to make it work but she told me that she had blocked me out from her life a long time ago but she was giving me false hopes about our marriage. Now, I’m dealing with my pain and feeling for myself and accepting the fault of not giving her the attention she needed. I’m trying to be strong but when see her I just want to make it work but i to get the cold shower. I guess, if they have decided to move on without us, we don’t have a fighting change of fixing the marriage for both me and my kids.
written by kman, 28 February, 2009
Me too! My wife is leaving me and I am devastated. I thought we would be together forever – our bond couldn’t be broken but it has. This is a tough time – especially since we have two young daughters – but I’m on a ride I don’t want to be on and there are no brakes. It makes me very sad.
written by Sumiati, 04 March, 2009
I’m wife,
I feel I am cheating.
The problem with my married, cos we’re married cos i was pregnant not because I love him. When I knew him I was with some one else, which U loved him, but he’s far away, I might worried that he will left me alone. So I opened my relation with someone else, but we’re going to far. And know we married.
Our life OK,no conflict (I can say too quite) he just not romantic to me, he prefer to spend his time on his hobbies (comp and gardening) rather spend time with me. Romantic for him just if he want to end it in the bed.
I want him treat me as a woman, not as his mom that take care of everything.
He left everything by my self alone. Difficult for us to have long conversation, most of the time it just me talk, and he listen while watching TV give short comment.
Now I met with my ex boy friend through internet. We still love each other.
I feel alive with him. He treat me very well even only by mail.
I don’t want to cheat.But I feel very dry in our marriage.
I had talk to my husband, ask him to give more attention and give more romance to me. But he just say he will try, which for me he never really try. Everything just back as usual.
Help me, I love both of them. But If I have to stop my relation with my ex boy friend, I’ll be very lonely.
written by mt1, 10 March, 2009
My wife left me for another woman. One evening she came home and informed me that "she wasn’t very happy the way things were going and that she was going to move in with this woman".
I had known about this woman for about a year but found that I was powerless to stop the situation developing.
During the aftermath I was shocked and crushed by the verbal attacks that my wife made upon virtually every aspect of my life. At the time she left we had known each other for more than thirty years.
I truly believed that our relationship was solid and that we both held the same values.
I always felt that I could rely on her and knew that she could always rely on me.
I was so wrong. It seems that it had really always been a one-way deal.
For weeks I only slept for about two hours each night.
I remember my lowest point was when the pair of them went to Egypt for the longest week of my life.
I fought to get her back.I used all the techniques that this other woman had used – especially email,text and flowers of course.
My problem is that all this happened over six years ago and there’s still not a day goes by when I don’t re-run the terrible things that my wife said and did to me.
I have also learned many lessons including that when someone deceives you, lies to you and sets out to break your heart – that’s exactly what happens.
I have also learned that it makes you question everything that was ever said to you.
Even though we are back together I have come to the conclusion that it will never be the same again.
The truth is that for my wife it never was.
If I had to use a single word to describe how I feel towards my wife – that word would be "disappointment"
I feel empty and see little point to anything except my two sons who mean the world to me. I truly do not know how I would’ve managed or even survived without them.
I wish you all the best for the future and hope that you can find that the peace of mind that I have lost forever
written by lisa lowe, 22 March, 2009
its so sad, that these husband leave their wifes of cheater, on them they not real man at all
written by Dylan Mckay, 27 March, 2009
I truly feel all of your pain. My wife handed me the ‘I love you but am not in love with you’ line. Soon after I found out about an affair with an old school friend. Its been 6 weeks since this all started and I feel like its a dream. I have already met with Lawyers and am ready for Divorce. She says she has no interest in working on the marriage which I tried to get her to do for weeks.You have to move on quickly... Its so hard to do but if she has cheated and is not truly working on your marriage you have to get out. The work you put in will never be enough and she will have you back in this place within a year. Do not get strung along. It is a big beautiful world out there and we ALL deserve someone to love us and someone to trust!
written by This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , 16 April, 2009
I’m so glad for these posts. I’m going through the same thing as the rest of you. jted’s advice is probably the best. Even though I knew early on the details as she was acting suspiciously; she continues even today that she hasn’t cheated on me.

I watched our three boys (6, 4, 1) an entire Saturday for her after a long business trip with her boss, only to find out she had a rendezvous of an unknown nature with him during that time. She claims ‘I don’t love you anymore’, then followed up with abuse allegations, even threatening criminal charges; this after she moved out and left me caring for home and boys.

It moves so fast. She refused repeated pleas to go to marriage counseling since day 3 after I found out. It’s been about 25 days and she’s moved out, and behind my back, opened a separate bank account, moved her direct deposit, swiped our tax return, hired a lawyer, filed for divorce, and continue to go out on dates. Even during all this deception I held out my hand and kept the door open. Last night she claimed she wasn’t cheating, despite ample evidence from texts and e-mails. That was the last straw. LoNe is right. You can’t possibly be nice: they’ve already checked out and are on a different emotional plane. I bought her flowers multiple times to win her back with gentleness only to have her text "Ugh. He’s being nice again." or "Great, he bought my flowers. I just said, ‘Thanks.’" to her would be Romeo. The cheater will tell themself all sorts of lies to justify their need for a "fresh start".

Move on. The sooner, the better.
written by neverneverland, 25 April, 2009
I just wanted to say that as a woman, it was very enlightening for me to read these posts, written by men, men who sound not only intelligent and thoughtful, but also very loving and compassionate. I am very touched. I am a divorce statistic. I cheated on my ex...gave myself all sorts of reasons, and they not only seemed valid and overwhelming at the time but were also encouraged and approved by my surrounding friends and family. He was the "bad guy," and i was just the misunderstood black sheep of the family – his (French) family that i would never measure up to.

Truth is, we had major incompatibilities that were complicated with a twin-birth nine months after our honeymoon. And he never truly separated from his first love (his mother) to truly bond with me. He was critical, yes, but i was way over-sensitive and hyper emotional. I was, in fact, the perfect prey for some nice, understanding guy to move in and capitalize on the situation.

Yep, watch out for these guys, and don’t become one yourself. He gave me the hours of conversation and attention i was craving. He "got" me whereas my ex was always criticizing or trying to change me. They actually thought they could turn me, an American girl, into a French woman. Impossible.

So, i drank to ease myself into cheating, to escape. And it was horrible. One year of confusion and chaos, involving liaisons with even other men, led to losing not only the privelege of living in my country of birth, but also the privelege of seeing my kids grow up on a day-to-day basis.

This was ten years ago. And now i find myself in another romantic snafu. It has been very eye opening, for i see that i, and i alone, have attracted this into my life. I am the only one responsible for my suffering. I am the only one who can liberate myself from the underlying causes. It helps to be aware of the dynamics. And not blame someone else.

That is why i felt compelled to comment, to say that i was touched by the level of compassion seen here in these posts, and to let men know that it can be quite a revelation to know that your male hearts and minds are not always encumbered by the all-powerful testosterone quotient. I believe now, that by releasing the prejudice that all men are dogs and bastards, that i can release myself from my own b.s. and maybe one day free myself to love, wholely and courageously. If i had had this wholeness before, i would have never caused the destruction to begin with.

We all want to be loved, male or female. Thank you guys, for’s wonderful to see...i have a son as well as a is the most important though sometimes difficult lesson to teach.
written by Gaby33, 25 April, 2009
Well my situation is pretty similar, the only difference is that I am the one who is not loved anymore and the worst part is that there is not cheating issues between us... He just says that he doesnt see a future together (after seven years. I am devastated, living with him because I can’t support myself financially...this is really bad...I can’t see my husband turning into my roommate...
written by speck, 29 April, 2009
Wow, nothing I can add to this. I’m too distraught. So I guess I just say that this page helped me tonight. So many of you seem to know and understand the same situation that I am going through.
written by Chad in Ky, 03 May, 2009
My wife too. Told me she isn’t in love with me anymore but that she loves/cares for me.
I’d like to know how you find out if she opened up a separate bank account???
I want to be married 50 years to this woman but I can’t force her love. I’ve changed and she says "but for how long?" I feel different. I want to be that man she wants me to be but have gut feeling that won’t be enough.
written by Texas08, 03 May, 2009
Holidays 08, 12 years of promises of forever and I would never hurt you. She helped me raise my 2 kids. We did everything imaginable. The intimacy was incredible, we both loved to cook, never a night without saying I love you. The spontaneity was there, trips to the hill country, coast, acting like teenagers, I’m 47 she is 44. Paid for her plastic surgery for her 40th, paid for her real estate school, what ever she fancied. She asked for a divorce over the thanksgiving holiday, had me move out on the 20th of Dec haven’t heard from her since then, divorce was finalized on the 14 of Jan 09, she had her lawyer rush it through. It was confirmed by some friends that she is in fact involved with one of her clients. 10 years older & more money. You don’t realize at the time just how pathetic and shallow some people become. By the way, there were the usual accusations on the way out, none of which were true. These women will do anything in their power to justify their selfishness. All one can do is sincerely hope that one day reality slaps them in the face. We, the innocent, have to remain strong for our well being, throw some prayer in there, read some books, find someone to talk to and keep walking forward. Under no circumstances do anything stupid, much less sink down to their level. I read this somewhere. "there is nothing wonderful about a person who pursues someone that is married, much less a person that is married pursuing someone outside of their marriage" Remember that, it has helped me at moments, there is absolutely nothing wonderful about them.
I could keep writing, but,to keep it simple, it really was a great relationship, she even acknowledged it, "It was something once, just not now" One of her last text msgs.
written by This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , 16 May, 2009
I wrote earlier and I appreciate the neverneverland’s perspective. There’s a book called ‘how to improve your marriage without talking about it’ where there’s a chapter detailing what leads to the affair and how rationality is completely out the window at that point. There are a few other books from the woman’s perspective concerning oxytocin, the late 20’s and early 30’s, all confirming the same thing: her mind is out to lunch. I have not seen a single case to the contrary. Whether or not it’s entirely the woman’s fault is debatable, but the advice is always the same: once she shuts you out and doesn’t want to work on it, move on and fast.

In the past month, I read stack of books about relationships, women, and marriage. I feel I know pretty well what went wrong. In contrast, she hasn’t put in an ounce of effort and she’ll make the same mistakes in the adulterous relationship that she made in ours. Trust me, guys, focus on yourself and make yourself better. It’s over. You have to accept that she is no longer the woman you knew or the woman you loved. Constrain your regret to help you with the next relationship instead of focusing on a lost cause. I know this now. I tried everything. If you do the same, you’ll just end up being hurt repeatedly.

To illustrate how surreal things can get. My wife is out with her boss, taking our kids to his church while both of them lie to the pastor (technically her boss’ boss) about their relationship. When she first moved out, she demands the kids, threatening to bring up a history of battery against her and the kids (playing victim). Then, she doesn’t come visit the kids for awhile (she "moved to her mom’s"; I’m basically watching all three boys while she’s getting laid). Now, she wants the kids again, perhaps because the battery lie she told the pastor probably wouldn’t fly since the kids have stayed with me for 2 months now. This is not the person I married 9 years ago. SHUT HER OUT now and prepare to make yourself the most eligible bachelor on the block. My counselor said it best: the battle lines are drawn whether you like it or not. Our settlement is this Wednesday...CA makes filing easy (which sucks for the dumped, the victim, the cuckold), but then the dissolution lasts like six months (which sucks for the dumped, the victim, the cuckold if they are religious and view themselves as still being married and ineligible to date).

Some passing advice:
1. Get a counselor NOW. Some employers have and Employee Assistance Program through benefits which can provide you counseling for free.
2. Consult a lawyer and learn the divorce laws of your state. Do not get screwed or caught unprepared. Wife got a lawyer shortly after moving out; if her best friend didn’t tell me, I’d be a sitting duck.
3. In CA, divorce is no-fault. Nonetheless, if there are kids involved, I’d hold off on dating for several reasons. First, the kids aren’t ready for new adults to appear in their lives; they’re not even ready for their parents to split. Second, it could look bad and your cheating wife could use it against you. She probably won’t because she doesn’t care, but you never know. Finally, you’re not emotionally ready for a relationship.
4. Do positive things to sublimate the depression or anger. Exercise (sports, weight lifting, running) is awesome for this. Get back in shape (if you need to) lose fat, build muscle, work on the six-pack. Take the kids out and enjoy their company. Get in touch with an old friend. Build or fix something that you’ve put off. Start keeping a journal for the future. Go to church if you haven’t been in awhile. Volunteer. Fill the void that she left and get something out of it.
written by p0k, 23 June, 2009
In the same boat guys! What I take from this is use reverse psychology. Do everything that is counter intuitive. Don’t call, don’t initiate contact (unless you are in counseling).Act like you don’t give a s***t. Even though it hurts and believe me it hurts, those are the only tools we have! Work out to release anger, surf, bike, run, punch bags, whatever it is so soothing, it makes you tired and you fall asleep a lot better! Drink a glass of wine at night, I find it relaxing...
Play it like you don’t care (very hard). Do not pick up phone when they call you. Only return phone calls on your own time and not right shows desperation. Go one day at a time, do not romance, be nice, gift, will make it worse. In my head I keep saying :"F**K IT"..I know something good will come out of this. I went out with friends and I already had women clinging on me because I acted like i did not give a damn about them. I could have gotten laid but I chose not too. I am becoming stronger and stronger every day and it’s only been a few weeks. Same will go with your wife! I know she feels depressed some days just like I do. But in the end I will be a winner. I will beat this life challenge! I am a strong, independent man! I didn’t want marriage to begin with...Marriage changed me...but the separation can change me back!
Just like a bad investement, cut you losses and exit and don’t look back! Another investment will shows its face and it will be a better one.
I have two awesome, amazing boys (7 and smilies/cool.gif and that is all that matter to me! she is not worth my time, my devotion. She does not deserve me. Have her chase different men around, who gives a crap. Have her chase a fairy tale, who gives a crap. Invest in yourself and no one else!!!!!!!
I will have better sex now than ever and the best part of this is I won’t even have a commitment!!!! So who is the winner in all of this? Think about it guys, come on!!!
And when she decides to come back a year from now BE STRONG! Have the upper hand this time. Karma is Bitch!
written by richy boy, 09 July, 2009
this last guy is right you’ve got to man up and go on. trying to hang on to someone that’s already left you fore someone else doesn’t work. They have already been using you and that’s not going to stop because you steal love her when someone loves you they dont use you tell they get there ducks in a row and then treat you like shit so thay fill like the victim somethings are our fault but when we give it our all and that’s not enuff its time to move on because its never going to be anuff my wife went out with her girlfriend one weekend and didn’t come back four 3 weeks left the baby with me and came back when I was a sleep took the baby and didn’t tell me till 1 week later what happen I almost pulled all my hair out.And two month’s latter she came back asking me to fix the car like nothing happen.there is someone out there for me I no its like he said Ive got to be the best man to find the best women.Its not easy but worth all the effort dont give up there is a lite at the end of tunnel go with and attitude that you just cant Lou’s and your going to make it good luck. smilies/smiley.gif
written by Jetdoc, 25 July, 2009
LoNe on 4 Feb and POK 23 June hit the nail on the head, exactly!. Being a victim, allowing ones spouse to walk over them, trying to CHANGE yourself for your spouse will not work. They will only lose more respect for you and realize the man they are cheating with IS the real man, not you! She will walk over you more. However in short order I will 99.9999% promise you this, her affair will end in flames. The problems she has with you will just move over to him.

The problem isn’t you, its inside of her and until she realizes that all she is doing is hiding from her own issues she will continue this cycle of trying to find happiness with another man....all the while the happiness she seeks is within herself.

My wife and I have been married 29 years, 2 days ago. Its had its ups and downs, but whenever we would get into a big fight, or had issues similiar to the ones described in here, it was I that had to change. At least thats what my wife had me think. It was I that was wrong, bad, etc, etc.

As our kids got older and became young adults they started to see their mother through the eyes of an adult. They didn’t just listen to what she said about me, they saw what was going on and all three started to take my side. They knew I was doing nothing wrong, it was their mom what was whacked.

So I started to feel more confident in myself and realized I am not the bad person here. I did as LoNe and POK said...I stood up and didn’t back down. If she isn’t happy then SHE can leave. I am doing nothing wrong....I have not and will not, for the past 5 years, back down, say I am sorry over and over, change myself or anything for her or anyone. Now if I did do something wrong I will admit it, but no more backing down or changing, just to make her happy....IT WONT WORK.
written by jetdoc, 25 July, 2009
LoNe on 4 Feb and POK 23 June hit the nail on the head, exactly!. Being a victim, allowing ones spouse to walk over them, trying to CHANGE yourself for your spouse will not work. They will only lose more respect for you and realize the man they are cheating with IS the real man, not you! She will walk over you more. However in short order I will 99.9999% promise you this, her affair will end in flames. The problems she has with you will just move over to him.

The problem isn’t you, its inside of her and until she realizes that all she is doing is hiding from her own issues she will continue this cycle of trying to find happiness with another man....all the while the happiness she seeks is within herself.

My wife and I have been married 29 years, 2 days ago. Its had its ups and downs, but whenever we would get into a big fight, or had issues similiar to the ones described in here, it was I that had to change. At least thats what my wife had me think. It was I that was wrong, bad, etc, etc.

As our kids got older and became young adults they started to see their mother through the eyes of an adult. They didn’t just listen to what she said about me, they saw what was going on and all three started to take my side. They knew I was doing nothing wrong, it was their mom what was wacked.

So I started to feel more confident in myself and realized I am not the bad person here. I did as LoNe and POK said...I stood up and didn’t back down. If she isn’t happy then SHE can leave. I am doing nothing wrong....I have not and will not, for the past 5 years, back down, say I am sorry over and over, change myself or anything for her or anyone. Now if I did do something wrong I will admit it, but no more backing down or changing, just to make her happy....IT WONT WORK.
written by Day, 10 August, 2009
i would like to thank every one has posted here. i too am going through the same thing with my wife. she deletes her phone messages and her text like 3 times a day. she says she wants to be apart to clear her head for a few months and she wants ME to move out.well i got into fight with her on the phone(she is out of town right now) and she admitted to seeing some one the past several weeks. will i got news for her i am filing for divorce in the morning. i dont think that this will work out in the end. if she is cheating now....whats to say she wont do it again.
written by mike in waterloo, 10 September, 2009
Wow-this has been eye opening for me. Thanks everyone. In the same boat-after 22 years and 3 kids (thank God they are older now)my wife has now cheated on me with a professional she used to work with. Of course he is better looking than me, fit and has money. He is married also and it’s a friggin mess! His wife just called me and told me some things that just tore my heart out. My problem is, with this economy, my income has plummeted. Between the 2 of us our income is barely enough to survive. She wants to move out and I want her to. However, she doesn’t have enough income to do it. So here we are, still living together knowing that she’s cheating on me and there’s nothing I can do. It’s ugly. Any advice out there for this situation?
written by jasonw, 23 September, 2009
thanks for all the posts, I know how hard it is to tell your feelings to everyone, my wife has had 4 affairs, we have 3 kids. Im not perfect I know, I used beer as a buffer. She is now seeing someone online, lives in another state, long way away. I love her more than anything and try to work things out over and over. She has nothing to do with me besides take my check every week. Im a volunteer coach, have been for years, I coach soccer and baseball and have always taken pride in the youth of our community and my children. She tried with ppl around here, but now its come down to her trying to move my kids off to oregon, and we are in arkansas. Thats something I cant let happen. I dont have the money to get a lawyer cause she works at the bank and takes my money. She wont leave, she wont let me leave , and I think she’s bi=polar. different mood everyday. Loves me one, hates me the next. Im not a jealous type person nor can I spell so forgive me. I can see in her eyes she doesnt want anyone else. I can feel it, but she wont talk to me, love me, touch me. Im lost. But im also not gonna take the chance of her taking off with my kids. I just want to know how to deal with it all.
written by JimN, 06 October, 2009
yeah, in in the same boat, My wife says she wants to leave, she tells me I dont’t make enough money and wants to find someone who does, we have 1 child together and I have a step-son (hers from a previous). There are other reasons she aays she wants to leave too, but I think its mostly the financial situation, here in the Detroit area it’s hard enough to keep a stable job let alone find one!! Believe my I’ve tried, don’t get me wrong I’ve done some things to make her mad, nothing like cheating on her but, little things that every relationship has.

She has wanted to leave in the past but we worked through it, this time I think it’s for real, I’m completely heartbroken to know she wants to leave, she wont even give me the time of day, I tried today to bring up counseling but she does not want to make it work...shes done, we are in the middle of re-modeling our house but had to stop because the economy crash, she works as a bartender, and the bar is not doing so well due to the economy, but money does not buy happiness no matter what anyone says.
written by mjb63, 02 January, 2010
My wife and myself have been married 17 years and together 20.

We have always done everything together, gone every where together and she even commented early 09 how strong our marriage was.

I was the highest wage earner, used to clean all the house, top to bottom, do the shopping and have her meals ready every day.
Then she started staying at work longer, new clothes etc etc, you know the signs until End of October when she said it was over and asked me to leave. I haven’t challenged anything for the sake of our daughter.

However i have found out she has been having an affair and i know feel like a right Mug !
I now fear i couldn’t trust anyone again and angry that someone could do this to another person who has only ever shown kindness.
You live and learn i suppose bit i wont lie down again, live must go on but the damage is now done between us and i could never forgive her. good riddance.
written by beemer07, 07 January, 2010
Lots of sad stories here.
I was recently given I love you but i am not in love with you line, she is my best friend and i am her best friend, we do everything together. Our level of intimacy over the years dropped off significantly, when we got to the root cause, (my depression) she said it was too late. She lost the flame or spark.
We were married eleven years and have been doing a lot of things over the past 10 months to get things turned around but she told me her feelings have been dying over the years. I do not think she is seeing everyone as she is crying as much as i am. During the past 10 months i tried everything to show her i was worthy of her love but nothing happened.
looking back i am not sure if chasing her was the best thing to do, sometimes people need time when they get off track and giving them space is the best thing. I do not agree with _uck them attitude, but in my case no one is cheating, i do agree with working on yourself and being strong even though i am still struggling with this. I am very lonely and miss her very much and would love for her to come back.
there a many sad stories here, does anyone have a happy story that there wife did come back and what did you do for this to happen
written by Tommy Ru, 08 January, 2010
My wife had 3 affairs over the last 4 years, we have 3 young children. I find out later of course. During the Credit Crisis I was made redundant. She waited for the day then slapped false Domestic violence charges against me, I have witnesses to say there was no violence. Just to get me out of the house. She refused to let me see my children. Or even say goodbye. I left the state, then 2 weeks later left the country. I am not coming back. She has taken my kids and lives with her new boyfriend (one she last cheated with). The courts believe anything she says without evidence. Just not worth the trouble, I am enjoying a new life in Europe and have no intention of returning to the misery that woman caused me.

written by cujo12, 19 January, 2010
Wow guys, I did’nt realize how many of us were in the same boat. I received the "I love you but im not in love you" comment just after Christmas, which set the alarm bells ringing. After checking her email and phone records I found she has been having an affair with a younger guy for,as far as im aware, about twelve months. I asked her about the situation and she just spun out a load of lies. Even so, god I still love her and cannot even imagine living without her.

We’ve been married for 16 years, the majority of which has been good,ups and downs the same as everyone, and have two kids,8 and 16, which I cant bare to think of being away from.We’ve now become a lot closer due to me being here for them 24/7

Three years ago I gave up my job in construction to look after the kids after my wife had a promotion at work and had to work much longer hours, yeah I know, should of seen that coming!! So financially Im screwed!

I still live in the family home knowing that she is messing around behind my back but I have no one to turn to. The last thing I need is to be living in some hovel of a motel feeling sorry for myself.

I have taken some comfort in reading the comments and solutions from you guys.(jetdoc and pok esp.)but its so hard to know what to do. You think you know someone, only for them to turn around and kick you in the balls.

written by jetdoc, 20 January, 2010
Cujo12, ironically for me, 26 Aug, 09 my life changed forever. I had been posting on here not under the perspective of being cheated on, but in a marriage I was trying to be happy in, I posted on 25 July....then on that date above, 26 Aug, I found out my wife had not one but FIVE affairs in the past. They were a long time ago, 21 years ago, but its the same as if they happened 2 months ago.

Needless to say I am devastated, sick, and just freaken unsure of myself or my marriage.

I will say I am STARTING to get better. I found several websites that help with infidelity, but one, has a GREAT forum site. For some reason there seems to be A LOT of men who post on there about their wives cheating on them.

There is very helpful advise on there, just go to the forum area. The guy who runs the site, Dr. Harley, has these programs and such, but you don’t have to do that at all, if all you want is advise.

I am my name, jetdoc, but backwards, on there, if you guys come over.

Good luck....I now know what you guys are feeling, and it isn’t good.

written by Meetpete66, 23 January, 2010
Ok guys, I had been with my wife nine years, married in 2006. Mid 2008 I was getting little signs that were causing me an inquisitive itch. A ripped up letter to a married man who she was seeing for a snatched 10 minutes when on duty (nursing assistant), he a nurse. She said it was her nurse friends letter. She started having lots of text off someone at work in an emergency department, a male nurse. Some of these went on until 3 in the morning and where garbled or blank as he was a drinker. This guy had a Philipino wife and a 1 year old daughter. We have a now 7 year old girl together. She started spending time after work and at weekends with this guy saying that he was a friend in need as he has no one and is going through a separation. Well his wife did remove his sim card at one stage before this. She arrived home an hour late on two occasions in one week too after work. Work is 5 minutes down the road. I came home early from a night shift at 10pm and found her in a black satin nightwear with candles burning, she was surprised and went upstairs to change into her usual warm fluffy pj’s, and I could hear her on her mobile phone too. Suffice to say she blew out the candles and said she normally lights them and puts that outfit on when I’m not there. Our daughter was upstairs in bed asleep. I took my wife to dinner for her birthday that september, all nice too, by the end of the month i was in my daughters bedroom on a blow up bed and she had changed the bedroom around. she was out nearly each night until 3am, or out all night some days in the week. She nagged me to move out at the end of January into nurses accommodation (one room in shared flat) two weeks later on valentines night she slept with him (admitted), but I know its gone on longer. she further admitted that she rang the emergency dept to ask for her number six months before i left the house and said to a ward clerk that they had been "shagging" for a year. Anyway, since then he has lost his license for drink driving and smashing his nice jeep up completely. Said it was a suicide attempt to my wife then stated days later he was getting cigarettes (40 a day smoker). Binge drinking most weekends to the point of her nearly calling an ambulance once. on random alcohol checks at work, then wife admitted these little things to me too: he hit his wife twice and is on police record for this, was a member of several swinger clubs and she caught a resub on his computer. found a text from a woman under a mans name, when she rang this the woman stated that he has been ringing her a lot and said my wife was a one night stand. My daughter has told me she sees him drinking, seen his genitalia, him touching mummys breast, also was scared of creaking from mummys room.

She is still with him, but moans to me about him telling her and her mother to F... off and that he hates them (drunk at time). she says he is lovely when sober. Good riddance to her!
written by hawk, 25 January, 2010
hi im in same boat,got the speech 2months ago,moved out 5 weeks ago with kids,shes got very distant towards me and kids,been going out a lot with friends told kids she wasnt married anymore and will probably start dating soon,has stopped were rings.we still have same bank accounts and her bills are mine as well at her request hasnt taken much furniture and no photos girls hate being at her house and say they want to go home all the time,shes not interested in counseling to save marriage and hasnt hassled me about house.very confused about whats really going on she wont talk.
written by Lotus, 16 February, 2010
Evil, easy and stupid divorce laws where the woman gets half the assets, regardless of fault and regardless of who earned the money, are the cause of all this misery.
Why do men not unite and campaign against these bad laws?
written by tommy, 04 March, 2010
we are not alone. My wife of 17 years lost 57 pounds last summer. She was taking care of her dying mom and I was taking care of our two kids. Nov 15 09 she tells me its over she wants out. We agree to fake it through Christmas and then through our two week vacation which followed so the kids would have one more Christmas with a family. We share the bed thats all. So cold just a frigid lump on the other side of the bed.Ouch. So I was nice and would complement her but not ever plea or grovel. On Jan 15 I found evidence of cheating .Since early last summer. Then more. In a sudden horrible rush all the pieces fell into place. She has taken up with her old high school flame. From 35 years ago, he is going through his second divorce and contacted her. Like I was teleported into an alternate universe. I was disemboweled floored. So still shaking I boiled water and made two cups of tea. I sat down with her to make small talk and watched her drink the tea I carefully peed in.
I sat on this knowledge of the affair for 6 weeks hoping she was just going through a phase.I am not a bad man. She told me she wants out but has made no move to leave or tell the kids yet. So on the day her family and friends are visiting I pull her aside for a moment and quietly tell her names and details and dates of the affair. Then I tell her I know that on Christmas morning while I was at work she left the kids at home alone while she went out to see him. Then on boxing day too. You should of seen her face....White and slack eyes dead. Then I went in to serve coffee to our guests.
That was 5 days ago. Now she is in war mode. Women don’t like to be wrong. She still has told nobody. I have copies of all emails and many texts even pictures.
I knew everything within a week of discovery. She has become hesitant not sure if she wants to jump. We have a god life we travel a lot we have no debts and several rentals. She wants me to leave the house. No I will not she has to go I tell her. She wants the kids. No my shift allows me twice the time at home with them. I told her three nights ago to spend the weekend with him have another sleepover I don’t care. I cannot force some one to love me nor do I want to. I continue to be firm and even very kind. I insist she go be with him move in. But he my be getting cold feet. She senses this.I want her out I want to heal . I still love her but want her gone. She’s like a tumor that has to be removed. Some days you feel great even some days I go fetal on the floor. We have a no fault divorce law they get half of everything even the properties i owned before we met.this sucks cuse now I am going to be on the freedom 95 plan. She is still here march 5 this weekend I want her to go to her boyfriend and stay. Women her age early 50s age hard and fast she knows this could be a mistake. She may be alone for a long time if this affair fizzles. Be strong guys don’t do anything stupid. Don’t threaten yell don’t don’t leave the house. Let her know you are moving on and she is too. Be firm and kind if you can. don’t grovel don’t beg
Sometimes I want things to be as they were sometimes I want her to drown. Sometimes I don;t care. These things are out of our hands we can only chose how to respond do it with dignity. Don’t break things or yell or lash out. Find afriend to talk to. you have to talk a lot there are lots of groups around just for this reason. they are a great help. Write emails that you do not send this helps.If you are unsure buy a keystroke logging program and install it on her computer its a hundred bucks online get the best it pays.. information is power ...
but its also pain be aware.. Picture her alone and lonely this helps me. A lot of affairs end in pain. These last few days she has become friendly with me even intimate, sadly we share a bed. But she is in love and I want her to leave soon. If she screws me two hard I will expose her affair to her family with a few slipped email copies then to her work . Her life will change again at tha moment. But,I need to do over with someone else one day. good luck guys we are not alone ok. tommy
written by KCS 2090, 08 March, 2010
My wife of three years told me today we should split up. She has three adult sons (no children of our own) who have had runs in with the law since they were minors now in their late twenties.

We do not talk about them very much because, I have a problem of what her sons are doing being in and out of jail and still using her for their beck and needs.

I know she has been wanting them to stay with us between their stints being incarcerated, but I will not allow this because, I could not put up with the drama of having parole or probation kicking down my door at night not to mention the friends they keep.Keep in mind they were not living at home when we got married and nor did they live with her. We or should I say, I bought the house we are living in now and rented my old house and her old house out which are rented now. Her sons were given the opportunity of renting her house but always got put back in jail and did not pay rent, that went on for almost two years. She was working them and footed the mortgage payment for them.

She talks a lot to her friends text, phone calls in regards to her sons like she is plotting things with them to funnel them money three way phone call to their friends from prison and tries to hide the fact and play it off like nothing is going on.

I am lucky to get time of day if asked from my wife When, I ask her questions, on any subject, I must repeat myself several times before I get a reply or an answer by then I am usually upset. When a friend (female)is over they talk about anything and everything until she or they walk out the door.

We have many physical things in our marriage and I make good money and try hard to manage for our future and retirement. She was laid off last year and I have and had been paying for all the expenses in our marriage.

I was married at a young age in the military the marriage did not last long at all just too young I guess. I waited for 30 years to remarry and I married her. Make a long story short I believe marriage is very sacred and waited to find the right one to spend the rest of my live with so, I married my current wife who I am in love with very much.

Whenever we have disagreement it always seems to get to the subject about her sons and that I will always have a problem with them the issue at hand seems to not get addressed.

About six months we were at the same cross road by say she thinks we should split up. Well not to be too proud to say after begging her not to leave she stayed.

She waits until I get to work to tell me this so I would drive me crazy all night thinking about it ( work rotating shiftwork) so I tell her okay if thats what she wanted to do.

I know a lot of these posting a probably the husbands fault a much a the wifes but what I have written down here in this comment is the truth.

written by sheisscrewingme, 22 May, 2010
I can’t believe there are this many people with the same problem as I have. I have been married only two years but with her for about five years. Everything was fine until we got married. After we did she started to try to change me, saying I was not giving her enough attention, which had not changed from before we were married. One month ago I found out she had cheated on me, this tore me up inside. We decide to try to work on our problems, which I don’t feel are to big to resolve. She on the other hand refuses to go to see a counselor with me and as of recently she does not even want to be in the same room with me. She claims it is because the dogs make it too dirty but it is her job to vacuum and dust, I do the dishes, laundry take care of the trash, the yard work and the car maintenance. She doesn’t really have to do much around the house but rather than help out a little she just complains about what doesn’t get done. Is there any salvation in this marriage or should I try getting things in order for a divorce?
written by 3rdtimesacharm, 29 May, 2010
I have been married for 17 years.2 years into our marriage my wife wasn’t sure she wanted to be married,she came back crying,I took her back,8 years into our marriage same thing,my dumb ass took her back. Now we have a 3 1/2 year son,guess what,she doesn’t know if she wants to be married. Third time is a charm for me,I have to take care of my son and myself,I will not be letting her come back this time. Story here is though She got a pretty good paying job about 2 years ago and I lost mine. She didn’t want strangers or day care watching our child.She wanted me to stay home with our son because of this and her hours are so long and she is basically on call. We agreed and now 2 years later,she wants me to sign a dissolution that my son and I get nothing and she is moving to a new place she just got this week,never told me, and isn’t paying any of the bills including our present rent,she says we have to move out by the end of June and will not compromise. 2 weeks ago is when she brought up dissolution and that week was rough,but she had her mind set,but was willing to help get a vehicle,wait for me to at least find a job to cover rent and help out just like normal till I got back on my feet and into the work force.But as I said above, now she dropped all the moving out and I have to leave on me and trying to force me to accept some crazy dissolution. It’s crazy. I tried to compromise with her again today,nothing,it’s like she is someone I have never met and Is total evil. I have no choice but to file divorce for everything my son and I can get. She will be served probably by Wednesday or Thursday of next week. At this point you know,I still feel for her,but not love,only pity. I can’t imagine doing this to someone.let alone a 3 1/2 year old little boy. When I handed those divorce papers over to the clerk at the courthouse,I felt so bad and ashamed It came to this after 17 years of marriage. I feel I let my son down and god. I feel like I could have and should have seen this coming, but I have a large close family and they maybe at a distance from me,but have been on the phone with me every day praying and hoping for my son and I. She on the other hand is moving into a farm house with her welfare step sister. Writing about this and talking it through with family has go me through each day. I feel like my whole life is over sometimes,but I know it’s just beginning AGAIN!
written by ribbon123, 09 June, 2010
Same boat as nearly all of the above, but my advice is this: When the wife finally tells you that it’s over and she no longer wants to be married to you anymore, you can bet that she has given it long and careful consideration, and so one must accept that it is over. Don’t demean yourselves by begging her to change her mind. The best way to cope is through treating her with kindness and understanding, and while not accepting 100% of the blame, look at things from her point of view; believe me after a couple of weeks of adopting this attitude, you will begin to feel a whole lot better about things. Time is a great healer (cliche, but true), and as Mr Springsteen once wrote "The scars we carry remain, but the pain slips away"
written by waryork, 17 June, 2010
Its day 4 since ive been served divorce papers....cant sleep a minute,a true walking zombie.
Ive cried, begged, pleaded to work things out after 11 years we know each other just she cant forgive herself for cheating on me multiple times with our church leader........funny thing is she got mad i didnt want to go back to church to be next to the man preaching honesty.
i truly forgave her for cheating....didnt talk about it at all.
Her friends just got divorced and been partying it up truly telling her about the green grass.....i couldn’t stand what was happening she was my rock my soulmate my love.
..........i got real stupid and hanged myself with a belt....knocked out and woke up on the floor with a real bad sore throat and broken blood vessels all over my face....somehow the belt broke i truly need help my mind cant make up what to do i see mist around my vision and blurry images. never throw diamonds to swine is what im thinking i just need time to heal or go mad best wishes all.
written by Jlb, 29 June, 2010
I went through this same problem. Marriage had become stagnant, my wife (who’s 30) started hanging out with a 22 year old guy from work. He was calling and texting her several times a day, then she started leaving the house 2 -3 night a week. Said she needed alone time. Found out later she had been going to that guys house, and on 2 nights she left, she rented hotel rooms (I assume to be with him cause she couldn’t bring him home, and he still lived with his parents and couldn’t take her there).
My world fell apart. She said they were just friends, but couldn’t stop and wouldn’t stop messing around with him. For her birthday, she let him take her and 2 of my children to Seaworld for the day, after I asked/begged her not to. Things have progressively got worse, we are separated now, and that guy is no longer in the picture. She tries to call and text me, not really committing to our marriage, but not ruling it out either. Me, being stupid, have been letting her jerk me around, and of course, send her money anytime she needs it.
Yesterday, I was done. I told her if our relationship had any value to her, she had 7 days to show me. If she didn’t want me, there were plenty of other beautiful women out there who would love to spend time with me. I am handsome, well built, make a lot of money, and have always taken care of my family of the 10 years we have been married. I asked her for 3 things: Pictures of herself, list herself as married on her facebook, and make her profile picture of her and I together for all to see. They are small things to do, but starting small is good. I also told her she is very close to losing me, and I’m ok with it. I think I got her attention.
She of course got angry, the tried to make me feel guilty, then said I would never find someone better than her. I didn’t respond to any of it, nor am I going to for 7 days. She needs to realize I’m serious.
No one wants to lose a long term investment like a marriage, but I also don’t want to go back to being used and not appreciated, it would only lead to another affair later on. She needs to feel loss, like me and the kids did, and she needs to have a good fear of losing me for good so she doesn’t repeat the behavior. As for me, I am getting my dignity and self value back.
written by lb64, 08 July, 2010
Wow! I never realized how often this happens! I’m in the same boat. My wife tells me she gave up on us over a year ago... right about the time she started talking to another man. 1200+ text messages in a month and 120 phone calls! Now she is divorcing me because she doesn’t feel that I was meeting her emotional needs and the kids fight too much and we fight with the kids... all the usual excuses. We have been married for almost 6 years and together for 10. A blended family is never an easy thing but she just gave up! Now I come to find she is taking vacations with our 5 year old son along with this new man. She has broken the land speed record for filing for divorce and got me to pay for it! I did all the wrong things when she told me she wanted a divorce... I begged, I promised to change, I swore I would be a better man. But I have finally realized that this is HER choice and what SHE wants and I have to respect her wants and needs. But she also has to accept the consequences of that. She has no job, no place to live and is going to lose her financed vehicle soon. She is currently living with friends but cannot get a job due to lack of skills. I don’t know what she will do but she has told me in no uncertain terms that its not my problem. But I worry for our sons sake. This isn’t his fault and I am afraid that he will pay the price... *Sigh* I have to let it play out and give her the freedom to make her own choices right or wrong...
written by SamP, 25 July, 2010
26 yers together married 15 4 kids and ive just had the i love you but im not in love with you.I love her to bits and i do everything for her,we re still living in the home together but she said that we will never make love again .Iam devastated and dont know what to do.She refuses to see a counselor,and i dont think theres anyone else involved.This is totally out of character .she always told me she hated the lovey dovey stuff such as flowers and romance.Why,she craves attention from other men,but shuns mine .Iam really confused
written by Chase it Dad, 28 July, 2010
A different perspective: Well boys, I too am going through the same thing. It happened with a stable, secure co-worker. She strayed for security and positive attention. She ended the affair quickly (she says), and returned to our marriage for a while. But lied about it when confronted, (I knew the second it happened) – she says she lied because it was done and nothing good could have come from admitting it, whatever. Then, 2 weeks ago, in a fight over nothing she dropped it like a lead balloon . . . My stagnant status quo attitude brought it on. All the symptoms were present, years of declining communication, connection, etc. Add a recession, layoff and short-sale of our home so she could go back to work and I became the "primary caregiver" after having plans to be a stay at home mom for our now soon to be 4 year old son. It’s not surprising, and It certainly doesn’t look promising now, but after 14 days of no sleep or food (hey – I lost that 15lbs I’ve been meaning to lose, and that can’t hurt ;-) This is what I finally decided to say to myself: If I want her, and I do, then I do what it takes NOW, not what I needed to do before it happened. Don’t act victimized, it will get you nowhere. You’re now just another single guy competing for her affection. And you’ve won this game before. So shut up, be strong, be happy, be sexy, be funny, be fun, show concern for the stress *she* is under, keep it private, expect more of the same anger and attitude from her and be ready to fight yourself, not her. You have to stand tall, look good, show stability and never, ever be weak again. Once you do this, and have her feeling truly safe in your arms, she will tell you everything, and it will be okay. It won’t be easy emotionally, but you have to do this for your son’s sake. He deserves the happy, spunky, fun, glowing mother that is within her. If you lose her, or let the same crap go on, your son will never have that. Not the way it was meant to be. Yes you got hurt, you are still hurting, and you will continue to hurt worse still. Be the man she wants. Cry about it alone. It’s yours to lose. She will not leave you if you turn this corner and show some balls. Up to now you’ve been groveling for an apology, an explanation, a handout. Don’t ask for anything, be mysterious and relentlessly improving and her head will spin. Then, and only then, you can expect her to care, be accountable, and give assurance. Build from there.
written by Truthis, 18 September, 2010
3 simple words: Dump her ass.

Then move on. She doesn’t deserve you.
written by SadGuyFromCT, 28 October, 2010
Well.. the story here is the same for me basically. My wife had been talking to a guy she met secretly behind my back for 2 months. 2 weeks ago told me she wanted time apart to see how she felt. Then I find out she is actually leaving for good and has moved in with this guy that she had only met once. After almost 8 years of marriage, no problems, minimal fighting and a genuine connection. She has decided to just say goodbye to me, our families, friends, her job, house, car, etc. I am left with some serious bills, mortgage etc. I am so hopeless but trying to stay strong. I want her back, but she says it is over. She has been lying to me for longer than this has been going on apparently. Says we have grown apart and she is not happy. So why wouldn’t she communicate this to me instead of just lying and moving out secretly behind my back? How do I play this, do I leave her alone for a while? I have realized fighting and yelling is not going to help.. so now I just wait and see what happens. It seems she has truly made up her mind.. but how could she really make up her mind after less than a week of being gone?! I am hoping one day it will click in her mind – maybe she will realize how big of a mistake she has made and how good her life was with me. Does this happen commonly? It is good to see I am not the only one dealing with a wife who jumped off the deep end.
written by bnels13, 15 April, 2011
Wait a tick... That means your single again!!! Oh B-HAiVE!! YEAH!
written by prman, 15 June, 2011
If you are still living with her, you are in the best position to reverse the situation, be nice, polite and ask her in a nonthreatening way, what it is that she was missing with you, get her to open up more, that in itself will improve the situation, never loose your temper, never blackmail, she is somewhere else with her emotions and any sign of desperation or pleading will only make it worse. The more she talks about the two of you, the more she will start remembering and missing what she had with you, you have to stay cool and collected and look for signs that she is coming around,
If that doesn’t work over a period of time, leave and cut any contact with her since you will probably loose going head to head with this other guy, its not that the other guy is better than you, it’s the fact that, what she feels toward him now, intensity wise, is probably similar to the way she felt towards you at the beginning, most of the time – this phase will pass, an affair will come to an end and she will be left with a realization what she has truly done, at that time it will be up to you to take her back, I see this pattern all the time
If substance abuse is involved or she has some kind of a mental disorder, then that has to be resolved(healed) before any true reconciliation can take place, read up on co-dependency
In the end the two of you are together to make each others life happier, but it takes knowledge and hard work to do it right, just like anything else that’s worthwhile, and what’s more worthwhile than a happy marriage and a happy family
written by George Anderson.., 17 June, 2011
“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.”
written by Geoffrey, 18 June, 2011
I like your page it is such an eye opener reading about how people cheat in relationships
written by Frederick Anderson, 20 July, 2011
Wow I am 34 and I have been married for 5 years now and I have experience these or similar problems as of February this year my wife and I were separated, before this there were problems I must confess I have hit her on many occasion but it’s not something I am proud or am advocating but the truth is it happen I really don’t want her to let her look bad, there were times when she would accuse of cheating I was not we were Christians going church and serving God but as time goes by and things became tough and a bit hard things started happening the accusations rolls in I realized she was cheating on it became more evident when one of her girl friends called me and let know confronted my wife wow she blows up I don’t if she is a compulsive liar or what but I can tell she lies without regards that’s where the anger in me swell up and the hitting comes in now I feel bad I took the blame for every thing that went wrong she now’ lives with her mother she goes to the night club ,strip club she has been seeing with different men all over the places I have tried to talk to her to change come home lets reconcile she said that she don’t the want marriage I made it what it is yet she will call when she is in need of things not often but she does I really don’t have time to tell you guys what I have been through but the truth she cheats lies she is no longer in church I really tried hard to make it work but she has made her mind and has done a very good job at making me look like the bad one because I hit her, one thing I must emphasized no matter what the problems guys done ever hit a woman please walk away I should have done that so am now saying done let that happen to you I still love her and wish for our marriage to reconcile but what is to be must be.

written by ILL A., 31 July, 2011
Fellas fellas, just joined the club, my wife of 15 years wants a dissolution & tells me that she still loves me. She moving out next month & her new place is get this right around the corner. We have 4 girls & things are very funny right now. She tells me that she wants to keep my last name, there was no cheating or abuse involved she’s claiming resentment I’m claiming BS!! Here’s the real kicker we have a trip planned for the Bahamas that we paid for months ago it’s in December for our 15th anniversary & we STILL plan to go the kids are coming as well passports were purchased & everything, it’s gonna be very interesting. I still love her I’m still connecting the dots of another guy involved, no proof yet but time will tell!!
written by O crap, 14 August, 2011
SAME THING I love you in the fact that your the father of my children but I’m not in love with you. Moved out a week later. Sold my truck got her a van and she wanted a divorce ASAP. Walked away from the house and every thing. 50/50 with the kids no support. I have tried over and over again but she says she is done and doesn’t want to fix it. 7 years of being best friends and 5 kids later she needs to live her own life and do her own thing. I’m 2 and 1/2 months in to this and every one says cut your loss in time your going to see how bad of a person she really is... I don’t know if there is another guy or not. She says no but after reading all of this and going through it my self what else could it be? Is it possible that she just needs space and time?? I am just as F***ed as the rest of you. WTF do I do? She still has me fixing her washer and little things and says thanks for your help I’m not using you I do Appreciate it. And then on other times she’s showing me all her new cloths?? is that to rub it in my face that she’s not wearing them for me? Or is there something still there? We divorced on July 18th and she has been going to the bar and going out on with girl friends to dinner dates and having a great time while I have been falling apart. I’m coming out of it slowly but the urge to be with her is there all the time. Do I wait it out to see what comes of this or do I just move on?

written by blahblahblah, 16 August, 2011
well here im 22yrs old i have a daughter from a previous relationship but hes not involved me and my husband met when she was 14mons old and she is now 3yrs old so to her he is her daddy now we just got married march 5th 2011 almost a month ago i had a heart attack at work now my husband doesnt work although he is starting back school and gets paid through that VA for that he has no other income so i was stressed to the max i have diabetes type 1 so heart attack happened i was in that hospital 1 week he didnt stay one night had a bad habit of talking to me like i was 5 so 2 days after i got out of that hospital i left him took our daughter and left move my stuff my self and since that day i have moved 4 other times its been crazy so we finally stopped bashing each other and i went to get a few things i left and we started talking and this past weekend we stayed together best weekend i have had n about a year i have stated that things i want no by reading what a lot of other men here have to say im really hoping that he is for real about loin what i need im going back to work soon and i plan on moving out of my mothers and im hoping once thats done he will move in with me at least he says he will bcuz right now hes living with his mother now so far my only problem right now is he keeps throwing up that i left and i told him i left cuz u were a jerk im tryin really hard to make things work will he ever get over the fact that i left was i wrong for leaving after months and months of begging and talking till i was blue n the face and then a heart attack caused by high blood sugar which was because by all the stress so will he get over is my question??
written by Annoyed, 02 September, 2011
Learn to spell and use periods blah. I couldn’t even understand your question. Rest of you, man up for christ sake. All situations are different, just like all people are different. But one thing never changes, women, all women, unless they’re not heterosexual, want a MAN, not a whinny, begging, pleading, crying baby. Be the guy she fell in love with and she’ll come back, if she doesn’t you’ll be in good shape to walk away. Ask yourself, I’m doing everything for her- cooking, cleaning, talking, understanding her BS, watching the kids, ect, ect, ect, like a good little bitch. Well, what women wants a little bitch? Man up, kick her ass out and let her come back to you, the tighter you squeeze the more slips through your fingers. Learned from experience. Good luck.
written by confused 32 year old man, 10 September, 2011
Hi everyone, I occasionally read pages like these from time to time and my heart goes out to everyone one of you that has experienced or currently experiencing a loss of a loved one (when I say loss, it actually does feel like the other person may as well have died when they have suddenly left your life). I am a 32 year old man, who has been in numerous relationships, but always got with the wrong girls. They seemed like the right girls to begin with. Fell madly in love with them from the beginning, had a fantastic "honeymoon" period where everything is just so great and you dont care about anyone else but your loved one.... and then suddenly you start to see what they are really like, and its not as blissful as how it was at the beginning. You try to make it as good as it was but you just cant do it. Both lose interest, relationship over. Ive been hurt many times now, i’ve treated them like queens, praised them the whole way through, yet they have always ended up sh*tting on me. I know its not always like that, and for the ones who have made it years together then well done and good on you all. I know a couple who have been married now for approx 10 years and still going fairly strong. But what scares me is all I seem to read nowadays is that people are getting together, getting married, having kids.... then having affairs! I dont know how I’m supposed to trust anyone anymore if thats all people seem to do? Does anyone stay together anymore like the good old days? My parents have just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. Sure, they’ve had their ups and downs but they’ve done it, and Im sure they will stay together now for the rest of their days. But even they say they there does not seem to be any trust anymore in relationships. With the likes of the internet, facebook, plenty of fish, and all the other social networking and dating websites, there is too much on offer and everyone wants a little something different as time goes on! I’ve never been married and I havent got any kids. I really want kids and I do eventually want to get married! I dont particularly want to stay single for ever, but I just cant seem to trust anyone anymore. I am very confused but good luck to all above and I hope you end up meeting someone nice and living a happy life.
written by JDS, 13 September, 2011
Same story here. I got the "love you, but not in love with you" last August. She told me that she was not sure she wanted to be married. That she had gotten married too young. After 9 years of marriage she wanted out. She suggests counseling but it is more for me than her. she quits after 4 months, and says she is moving out. She doesn’t leave for several months but the whole time she is working longer hours and spending more time with her boss. We separated in August and 3 weeks later I see her with her boss. She denies anything is going on and that she has always been faithful to me. That it is me that is the problem. Two weeks after that I find out that the boss spent the weekend with her, so now I’m done. I have my faults but to lie and cheat on a person who loves her so much is just wrong. These comments really helped me see the light. Thanks!
written by big Al, 24 September, 2011
Interesting discussion. After twenty-plus years of mind-games, my first wife ran off with a younger man. After weeks of pity party and playing the victim I decided I was better off without her. Served her with the divorce papers thereafter. The truth came out formally and I thanked my lucky stars she wasn’t doing this guy and me at the same time since he was a sleazeball. She came back demanding to rejoin the relationship and all she got was a cold biscuit.

Turn the other cheek, forgive and forget, but get yourself to safe territory, rebuild yourself and get on with your life. There will come a day when you leave this earth and it will be all alone. In the meantime live the best life you can.

written by KMW64, 06 October, 2011
I am amazed at all of the posts here. I’m sorry that there is so much pain out there but I’m glad I had the chance to find this site and realize that I’m not alone in all of this. I married my wife 25 years ago. 4 days after our anniversary she told me that she wanted a divorce. She said we were both just on different paths and had grown apart. I really didn’t know there was a problem and that she was even thinking of divorce. Needless to say I didn’t take the news very well. I am genuinely a nice person I live and wake up everyday for my family. Being a good husband and father was the best and most important calling of my life. We have two children and thankfully they’re both young adults now and out on their own. Now after the announcement and much reflection I’ve finally come to knowing all of the issues that were bubbling under the surface for years. I was somehow blind to the fact that she was unhappy. I never understood there were issues she never said anything. I was always the one in the relationship that tried to be the nice guy, understanding and would go out of my way to do nice things for her. I was the husband that would send flowers to her office on her birthday and pick her up for lunch or make her breakfast on the weekend. There were a lot of things we enjoyed doing and we still continued with those weekly rituals of shopping for groceries or going out to dinner or a ride on our motorcycle. So with all of that said I’ll never understand how my wife could consider any other path in life that does not include the commitment we made to each other. I just can’t see my life without my partner and best friend. This year has been the worst of my life – May 30th was our 25th wedding anniversary, 4 days later she told me she wanted a divorce. 12 days after that the company I had worked for 20 years was sold and I my job eliminated in the transition. Two months later my good friend and business partner passed away and next I wait for the paperwork for our divorce to be finalized. All of this while the home we built together 10 years ago is being sold. EVERYTHING in my life is falling apart and now my wife told me she found a new house that she’ll buy on her own and she wants to pay me to do some repair work in her new house. Ya know I want to be nice because I still love her and it just seems natural to want to help her but – Oh My... it is so apparent that she has no idea how all of this makes me feel. I want so badly to help out but also want to use a few expletives and say no. I’ve never been in such a confusing situation. As I’ve read in many of the previous posts – it is true that once they’ve made up their mind they are on a different plane of existence – they’ve made peace with it and as much as you think you can try to change their mind you can’t. Groveling or pleading will make you appear weak and that’s just a turn off to women. At this point the energy you expend trying to save it all is only from you. It’s exhausting to try to work things out when you’re the only one trying. By the time they finally talk to you about the issue they have already made up their mind and the reality is it’s too late. All of the time you spend beyond that is energy in the form of pain, sadness and effort that is pulled from you. In the end it’s a process like grieving that we all go through. I can’t say that I’m feeling better about this whole thing or that I’m actually on the other side looking back but the number of good days are beginning to out number the bad days. I am trying to pay attention to myself reconnecting with friends looking for new work. But I have to say thanks to the folks that run this site, it makes me feel a little less alone. I amazed and dismayed at all of the broken lives there are out there. Be well everyone...
written by Battistini, 16 October, 2011
I have a slightly different perspective. My wife of 9 years recently confronted me about my bad behavior and I realized perhaps due to shock and the possibility I could lose her, that she was more than justified, I have been a terrible husband. Now I have to convince her I want to be a good husband to her and I can be a good husband to her.
written by GT, 16 October, 2011
I am also in the same boat. My wife cheats and lies all the time. I finally came to realize there is no hope for people like this, there is no cure for them. She uses our kids as hostages and I will hate her for the rest of my life. But now I realized that I need to take care of myself first. I realized that at my age it is hard to find another love, but I know I must do it so I can have a peace of mind. I advice is that there is no way to change these type of women. As a man, please take of yourself.
written by Jimmyt, 17 October, 2011
I am in the same boat as you. My wife of 37 years says she loves me but is no longer in love with me. Our best friends who we went on vacation with and went to movies with separated 7 days before she told me she was leaving me. I looked at the phone records and saw my wife calling him every day as soon as he left his wife. When I asked her if she had heard from either of them she said no. When I showed her the phone records the expression on her face said it all. She told me she had been planning to leave me for a long time. She says there has been no affair but thats a lie, she has been at minimal having an emotional affair for almost a year.
I blamed myself for this for 2 months before I realized that I didn’t cause this. She has chose to look outside of the marriage, not to go to counseling and not to make the marriage work. She just wants out so she can find someone or be with someone else. She doesn’t care who gets hurt, his wife who was supposed to be her best friend, the kids or me. She cares about no one but herself.
I made the same mistakes most of us do when we are left by someone. I promised to change, to show her the love and respect she needed, cried and begged. What I should have done was said OK and went on with my life. I truly love my wife and have a hard time getting through the day but all she sees is weakness and something she needs to get away from.
The best advice is to let her go and pray for strength. AS the pastor at my church said let go and let God. One way or another it will work out, you will find peace and happiness again. God arbores this type of behavior and she will regret this at some point.
written by Pain, 17 October, 2011
My wife had an affair 20 years ago that lasted 4 months.
Our marriage lasted,we stayed together, we raised our kids.
But, she gave away more than she ever thought of getting.
While I feel i love her, I am not quite in love with her because of it.
We both still hurt of the stupid move to this day.

written by bearable, 17 October, 2011
I am not sure what to do. I took my wife back after she cheated on me (in the worst way) and she still treats me like a person without any value. She is prone to anger and is emotionally abusive, but the light in her convinces me stay. She says she is sorry all the time but continues to be hurtful. It has gotten especially worse since we had our first daughter. She knows my weakness, being a child of a very bad divorce, that being a fear of putting other children through that, and exploits it and uses that against me, knowing I won’t leave for my child’s sake. I was never a drinker before, but in the last couple of years I have found whiskey treats me better than her and is more reliable. I have had it with abuse, which I have been consistently subject to since I was 3 (except for my strong years right after high school) but now I find myself slipping. I can’t leave her, I can’t leave my daughter, I truly hate alcohol and want nothing to do with escapism. I never want to be drunk around my daughter, which I have not been. I drink at night, by myself, at home. I can’t handle it though. Counseling didn’t work, and supposedly it has been five years since her last moments of infidelity, but what I need to figure out is: How much am I to take. I am not loved, though I pour it out for her, I forgive her, and she doesn’t care. One more flippant "I am sorry" and I think that suicide will be the next step. WTF am I supposed to do?!
written by bearable, 17 October, 2011
I just mentioned to my wife that I have been going to this forum for help and she mocked me. Congratulations to me on that one. I try to work it out and that is that!
written by Angel7705, 21 October, 2011
I’ve been married for 12 years, separated for a year and a half. I’m the wife. I never cheated & he never cheated on me. I left him. He is a good man inside, but we married young and have drifted. He does not provide for me, I provided for him. We were like roommates the last 3 years of it. I couldn’t stand it and I came to resent him for not taking care of my needs. If you have a flower and you do not water it, will it not wither and die? Pay attention to your women guys. You cannot ignore their needs and expect them to stay. I will say, anyone who cheats, male or female, shame on you! Get out first.
written by Holli1234, 29 October, 2011
I hate to say it but I have been married 12 years and been loyal to my husband the entire time and lately all I think about is cheating on him. I’m not sure whether it is to get his attention or to settle a score or what. He is an officer in the army and has been deployed about every other year for the past 7 years. I have no absolute proof that he has had sex with anyone else but he has been caught multiple times talking to other women. He seems sorry after he gets caught. He begs for forgiveness and tells me he will do anything yet when I let him back in he acts like nothing happened and seems unapologetic. It is kind of nice to read these posts and assure myself that some men really do have a heart but I’m not sure if my husband is one of them. He isn’t outright mean to me but he has broken my heart multiple times. I’m have closed myself off to him since the last time in order to keep from getting hurt again but I’m not sure that he even notices to tell you the truth. I have sacrificed my nursing career to follow his military career and it seems to have worked out well for him. I’m kind of at a loss for what to do. I don’t think that I can bring myself to cheat but I would love for him to realize what he has done to me. Then again, I’m not really sure that he would care..

written by KJ79, 31 October, 2011
Did she say that shutting down and making you feel miserable is the way she deals with it? Does she want you out of your house?
I suggest you change the lock to the door, and tell her that’s the way YOU deal with it.
Women have taken way too much advantage of our increasing weakness in the modern day.
written by Lost Soul_indy, 01 November, 2011
I have read a lot of these posts on here and I’m really not sure what to say. In my relationship, I have been married for 14 years and we’ve been together 17 years. We are high-school sweethearts and have 4 wonderful children....11, 8, 6 and 5. Our marriage started falling apart because of me...I believe. I got to a point that I wasn’t happy (for whatever reason), and to mask that, I would change jobs. I did this to her and the kids and moved geographically at least 5 times the last 5 years. I believe she just had enough. Anyway, she started to become distant to me about 6 months ago with our last move. We moved back to an area that she hated because she was from there and her relationship with her parents is not good. I loved the company I worked for there, and she wasn’t happy living there. So, in an effort to keep her happy, we moved back to my home town that she loves. I thought this would make things better. They didn’t. She started sleeping on the couch every night (mostly) and becoming more and more distant from me. Now, to my very soul, I DO NOT believe she is having an affair. I think we have both just grown apart. Neither one of us has ever really dated. We’ve been together since we were both 16! Anyway, about 6 weeks ago I said these words to her that I regret..."I don’t love you anymore and haven’t the last couple of years." I hurt her terrible when I said that, and now that I am reflecting on what I said, I didn’t mean it. I love her with my whole heart. I wish I could’ve seen that before I said what I said. Now she is moving on, or making me believe she is. I lived at home for 2 weeks after saying what I said. She told me to move out. Financially we couldn’t afford to do it, and she said if I don’t move, she will with the kids. I obviously had a problem with that, but in an effort not to make things worse, I did find a place and move out. Now she is acting weird and not rationally at all. Our mutual friends are seeing that too, including my mother that is like a mother to her. She is still hanging out with her. I don’t know what to do after reading everybodys post. I want to save our marriage, but I don’t know how. She has been my only partner and is my best friend. I miss her so much, and I __cked it up. Should I move on?????
written by no one really, 10 November, 2011
i gave up my whole life, moved out of state, and welcomed a newborn, that wasnt mine, into my life for a woman. Eight months later she says shes done. What can you do ? Im outtro (that means im leaving) not sure were but at least i dont have to deal with a living corpse anymore. I guess ill just hollar at the bartender....
written by heartbrokentoday, 14 November, 2011
Last night my wife came to my job and said she leaving me... I asked why – she said she didn’t love me anymore. We have been married 21 years Nov 4. I asked if we can talk about it and she said no and walk off. To do this at my job was very very hurtful. I got sick to my stomach and couldn’t do my job afterward. My boss said she done it to be mean to me. I’ve given her all she wanted anytime she asked me. I’m at a loss of my she would do this at all. I don’t now where she is now.
written by Rolandino, 16 November, 2011
Need advice. I separated from ex girlfriend never married but live together. For 9 years. We have boys.she was talkin text other men. I noticed she would be on phone till I discover her text flirting with men she admitted that she was texting w men for 2 months she said that it was just text.that. they never meet. I forgive her then 2 weeks later she wants to separated. I move out left her alone with 2 boys .5 months have past she text and said we text I talked.
written by Saint or sinner, 20 November, 2011
I am to in the situation of the love you but not enough to be with you scenario. 3 years ago I made the mistake of joining a social networking site that an old girlfriend managed to trace me on (Big mistake)i instigated the meet because of lack of a feeling of love and communication with my wife of 18 years then. This woman gave me the attention that I craved although it never went further than a kiss,however through the attention I didn’t realise or care how my wife would be feeling until she found out which she did and then this jack the lad turned into a groveling reck because of what he was going to lose. Anyway 3 years later after my wife has had a near death experience a major operation, lost her job and gone into early menopause (gents if you care what she is going through then read and learn about the menopause) she to has recently had a Emotional affair (a kiss ,attention,text,calls). I sensed it was happening as I read the signs from what I had done but had masked it with alcohol. I found out and hit the roof for about 2 minutes then sat back and thought why? My wife would not communicate with me, as I would not with her sending us both to others for attention, she has since told me that she doesn’t love me and that she wants to leave, I know I have to let her go but this will be hard if she decides to. I love her dearly and have said that we can now start on a level playing field. one thing I have learnt is that when you do everything you can for someone you are taking away there purpose. If your wife wants to do something for herself let her, don’t do it all. As if you are like me you mean well, you want to treat her like a princess but you end up taking away her identity. My wife is still here in our house (for how long I don’t know)i have moved out of our bedroom to give her space and when/if she wants me then I’ll return. we have turned a spare room into a space for her to relax and if the doors shut its leave alone. We are both trying to work things out and it does take two but you cant force someone to love you but you can rebuild love over time. So good luck to any one in my situation and if you love them and you can stay strong then there is a chance
written by natest, 22 November, 2011
Me and my wife have been married for ten years. She told me a week ago that she cheated on me with an Egyptian boy when she was on vacation in Egypt with our elder daughter. I am 34 my wife is 30 and the boy she cheated on me with is 21. I am so upset and confused and don’t know what to do. Our second daughter is just 1.5yrs old. My wife is crying and begging for forgiveness. I need advice.
written by JMMJR, 03 December, 2011
My wife of 13 years has put me through hell the past 2 years. Immediately after the birth of our 7th child she "fell" into an affair with an old high school flame. I was totally wrecked as a man... After realizing my happiness comes secondary to that of my chidrens I chose to try and make our marriage work. Well after 1 year I decided to move out of the house and began to pack my items to move. She at the last moment decided that she wanted to stay together and work it out. So against my better judgement, I decided to work on it again. Well now here we are a few more months down the road and she has decided that it just cant work and is filing for divorce. I hate divorce and am totally against it with all of my soul. My children deserve so much more from life...
The only positive is that the hell she has put me through has made me a better man and father.
But in the end not only will I lose, she will lose and the kids will lose. Divorce is a lose, lose situation where no one wins. Today I have decided to agree fully with the divorce, you cannot beg someone to make the "right" choice, sometimes you must let them go and pray for their soul. You all will find that point in time where you will feel that ah ha moment and begin a new path of life. For all of you men out there going through this hell, hang in there and remember to live your life for you kids...
written by Mike Y, 03 December, 2011
Im in somewhat of the same predicament as some of the above posters. My wife of 5 years said she needs space and time to think. I can’t even remember the last time we’ve had sex. She has been so cold to me and it’s just so painful that the woman I love and married can treat me like this. We have a 3 yr old little girl which is literally my life. This is another reason why this is so hard for me. I don’t ever want to me apart from my little angel. Anyway, I’ve caught my wife numerous times talking with other guys the way a married woman shouldn’t be talking. This pretty much devastates me but I still want to fix this. She just seems like she doesn’t even want to try. She said before she throws in the towel, she wants to try a separation. So tomorrow I’m leaving to a friends house for a little bit. I’m hoping this is all we need, just a little time apart. I can’t see my life without her but yet on the other hand, I want, no NEED to feel loved again. What a crappy situation. smilies/sad.gif
written by cybergranny1954, 06 December, 2011
I went through the fire with my husband cheating on me early in our marriage. His terrible guilt eventually led him to move out of our home and in with his paramour. He had a conscience at least, the woman did not. Their relationship only lasted about 3 years until she got herself somebody else. Why was I not surprised? Then my husband became involved with another woman. That relationship only lasted 6 months. With the help of God, I waited and prayed for this man to see the error of his ways and return to me and our 3 children. After learning how to forgive himself through counseling, he did just that. Now for many years he has spent his time making reparation to me and using his own failure to try and help other couples avoid the same pitfall he stumbled into. I don’t place the entire blame on my husband; I wasn’t always the attentive wife I should have been, but there is really no excuse for adultery. The lust for forbidden fruit is an age-old itch that some people feel they just have to scratch. But it leaves the adulterer feeling like a pile of dirt and his/her innocent spouse and children devastated, angry and poised to give in to the same destructive urges. Cheating and deception are terrible, but the pornography that often leads to such behavior is even worse. That was my husband’s real problem, he now admits and is behind many broken marriages. I could never compete with that perfect lusty women on videotape and many husbands cannot compete with the perfect lovers in steamy romance novels their wives love to read and fantasize about. My advice to all married people is to trash the smut and filth and wandering eyeballs before they trash your life. If your right eye offends you, pluck it out. Jesus was not speaking literally, but figuratively, about the stupid fantasies, ambitions and passions that get people into trouble. An illicit sexual encounter is not worth losing your family, your reputation, your income, your self-worth and your soul over. My husband sacrificed everything for a harlot who ended up kicking him in the teeth. I forgave him and now we have been married for nearly 40 years. Every day we spend together is better than the day before. We truly love each other with a mature love. Not one that is selfish and self-serving, but sacrificial and self-effacing. Husbands, wives---give your greatest and purest love to God; He will give you genuine love in return and sanctify your marriage and keep it as beautiful as ours is today.
written by 46y rold crying man, 07 December, 2011
My story is very similar to everyone elses story here. The text messages with my daughters friends (boys and girls, facebook and constant telephone calls in the bathroom ( her refuge away from me). I have been crying more in the past 5 months then I have in the past 45 years of my life. I read a great post on this site where it stated that your wife has no respect for a weak man (me) and her love in return will never append as long as I am the victim. Move on with your life is a painful concept to fathom at this point. I want to stop crying a like a school kids asap.
written by 46y rold crying man, 07 December, 2011
my wife doesnt’t love me anymore, a very painful reality in my life. I read to grab my balls back and be a man. It is easier said than done i know. I do not trust my wife. I have been crying for the past month, every single day. What incredible pain this is right now. I have read really good posts here and hope to take some good advice and use it. Im too old to cry for someone who doesn’t care for me...heartbroaken dad
written by gogabee, 09 December, 2011
HI guys im in the same boat but let me tell u guys a secret. trust in god and have faith he will never let u down, pray to him all the time for strength. He will come through for u. I know its so hard but what else can we do. Nothing to god is impossible he can fix everything turn to him in ur hour of need GOD BLES ALL WHO POSTED ON THIS SITE MAY HE COMFORT YOU AND GUIDE YOU.
written by downnout, 11 December, 2011
Just reading all these posts by my fellow men has me breathing a bit easier as I’m not the only one going through pain and heartache. I too, am currently going through such an unfortunate situation. I’ve been married to my wife of over 7 years (total 11 years together) but looks like this is the end for sure. We have 3 kids (ages 2,4 and 6). Long story short..well still lengthy...She moved to my city for work from a much smaller city shortly before we met. A friend set up our blind date..Sparks were flying, things were great and got married after 4 years of dating. My 3 beautiful kids were born out this relationship. Trouble started brewing 3 yrs ago after we agreed that she can go visit her small hometown for the summer while on mat leave with our second child. I of course thought i was being compassionate for her as she missed being with family. Upon her arrival back from her town, she was very distant & cold. I soon learned that she was unhappy in the big city and her recent hometown visit made her realize how much she missed her family and friends back home. Initially, she knew i would never move to her hometown when we were dating but she than ultimately gave me an ultimatum. She was already set in her ways of moving back. Either we can continue our relationship in her city or that was it for our marriage/family. I was shocked, devastated and confused as i didn’t know our relationship was on rocky waters in the first place. Thinking about saving our marriage & kids, I reluctantly agreed to move there knowing that i would have no family (other than through her), friends or support network there. I can say that the relationship improved again after 3 yrs of living here but at the same time I was miserable about everything else. I dreaded driving to a job that i didn’t like with a 20k pay cut from my previous job (there really is no job market for what i do and if there were, it was hard to land such a position as i found networking to be a major obstacle being new to the city), the weather was always cold & grey, i was constantly alone and really couldn’t make any new close friends. I found that most people in a small city already have their clique and it’s hard to join one. All this resulted in a lot of arguments, outbursts on my part about how I can’t adapt and how miserable & alone i was. I’ll admit it that it didn’t help that i kept complaining about it once in a while. I was happy with the kids and all but i kept thinking about my own personal being, mental health that i wasn’t happy with my life, surroundings and career anymore. Almost felt like a dead end. My last argument/outburst with her which was several weeks ago was the last straw for her in dealing with me. I blame myself but to some extent resent her for making me move in the first place. I totally regret bringing up my last quarrel with her as this was it for her. She didn’t outright tell me to leave but she said that we can no longer be together. How she has lost that love for me a while ago. I told her that i haven’t been my true happy self for the last 3 years of living there and to take that into consideration. She just claimed that i’ve always been this way and that she’s always bit her tongue for the longest time. Realizing the magnitude of the situation and what it would do to the kids/marriage.. I’ve been pleading with her to give me one more chance but to no avail. I’ve come to the stage of acceptance and will have to weather these dark days that’s ahead. I’ve already started playing out custody scenarios in the future. I’m fully understanding that the children have a great structure that’s been developed over the last 3 years in this small city. 2 of the 3 kids are already in school with a developing circle of friends, plenty more cousins their age here and the basic daily routine with 2 grandparents to help with the daily chores. I know there’s no chance in splitting the kids or even bringing them back and yes, the wife has great mothering skills.
Right now, as i write...i’m in that state of fresh limbo. Yes, we can’t salvage anything but we’re still living together in our 1 year old newly built house. We’ve been sleeping in separate bedrooms for a while now. The hardest thing for me is currently watching my wife’s actions as she’s leaving me alone or with the kids at the house while she spends time with her sister/brother in law, parents, friends. On weekends she’ll either go to the parent’s house for the whole day or have her sister come over for the whole day using her as some type of ‘barrier’ to avoid talking or being with me. It’s really awkward as the only family/friends i know are through her. It’s no hidden fact that they’ll just support her. I’m deeply hurting inside as i have nobody to turn to and being so alone in this city. Calling my family/friends on the phone can only do so much from where i am.

written by Nodge, 12 December, 2011
My wife of 5 years started taking calls in secret etc from a work friend who she had described as fit and a really great bloke, she started regularly seeing him supposedly socially and started describing him as her best friend. We also stopped having all intimacy as a couple. Now she’s removed me from any contact with her friends and is meeting him at a party away with friends he has never met before. I feel used and betrayed, I really do love my wife but I feel we will have to separate as she will not admit that there relationship is inappropriate, she say’s that I’m controlling her. If I could do anything to change this I would. I feel divorce is inevitable.
written by chokoy, 16 December, 2011
i am quite relieved to read that i am not alone on my journey. days after my wife’s bday, we went to the beach and there she looked into my eyes and told me "i don’t love you anymore, i am in love with someone else". 10 months ago she opened up and told me that she was falling out of love and that she met a coworker(married) that is making her laugh. we had a talk and i told her that she have to end all communication with this guy or our marriage will suffer. Now we are separated and she is committed to her new boy.. i wished her happiness and i let her go. However, one saturday she started texting me even when we agreed to contact each other only when necessary. we talked and she was blaming me for the split up. saying that i did not trust her from the beginning...She’s saying that she could not be fully happy with her new boy when she knows that i am hurting.... i guess she wants me to forgive her for what she has all of you guys, i was devastated when the bomb was dropped. i am learning to live my life again and it sure is tough. i am seeing a counselor but i don’t think it is working. i can only hope for a better day....
written by chokoy, 16 December, 2011
the same boat with you guys. wife dropped me the line days after her birthday. she caught me by surprise and she left me devastated. blamed me for everything.. saying that i did not trust her from the beginning.. she slept with the bf right after we parted and she left me crying all night in my bed. it has now been a month and a half and i am learning to live my life again. been to hell and back..hope is all i have now...
written by lifetobeginat50, 21 December, 2011
Guys, this is sobering stuff and is helping me understand that It is more common than I could ever imagine. My partner – married 15 years and together for 23 moved out 4 weeks ago when I discovered items in her overnight bag after being away with her boss on business. When i texted her to ask what was going on – she came back home, hid the evidence while i was at a meeting and gave a feeble excuse. She moved in friends saying she need space. I told her to take time and talk when she is ready. She is acting completely out of character and I still dont see it coming... Then the day before our wedding anniversary we agree to talk at home – me having a plan to make it work. She has already decided and after an hour and half of pleading, crying she walks out, saying sorry it’s over. Six hours later she checks in to a motel with her boss! Leaving me to look after our four wonderful children aged 7-13. To say i am devastated is an understatement. She wont communicate, only by email. As back up to this post we both agreed we had let her marriage drift emotionally over the last 18 months and I havent supported her with enough love I admit. But I wanted to make it work but once they have made the decision its too late – as others have said your partner has probably been unhappy and thinking of leaving for some time. The catalyst – obviously 7 nights overnight business trips in a month with a boss who praises her, wine and dine in hotels and the idea of leaving me becomes clearer for her. The irony is this time last year my wife was at working at home to watch our children grow up. It’s what she wanted. Then I found her the executive job she dreamed of getting back into one day while picking up a business project from the same company for myself. In only 7 months her new part time job goes to full time, then 6 days a week then the overnight stays. It hurts like hell and you don’t see it coming. I have now got myself a solicitor (lawyer) and my wife has said she wants a divorce within 6 months – the quickest available in UK. Our friends are splitting down the middle – but I dont know what she has told her friends. But as my neighbor said, i’m not the bad guy here and to keep strong and stop thinking of what could have been or who she is now with though she won’t admit to anything!!. Guys, think positive – even though it’s hard, focus on the children if you have them and move on. Life’s too short.
written by steve p, 21 December, 2011
Same situation! We jus had a new born and a four year old. She was thinking of him while having our child, she didnt get her tubes fixed. 27 days later on thanksgiving, she said she wanted divorce! I thought it was me that i was a shit guy, i believed she was an angel, never ever thought she had enough time to talk to a guy on the phone for 2 hrs a day for 6 months. i put my full trust in her. after i felt she would never take me back i left for a families house. and plan on going back to CA. she says im abandoning our kids, because i cant take the fact of living in the same state. Then started snooping around on verizon site. found all these calls. hit me that she has been having emotional affair. she says she doent feel the same, she fell out of love. i didnt give her intimacy. i cuss a lot to our kid i guess, when he messes something up complained about money, went out to bars a lot. all things that should be fixable.i know what i did. but this guy was her first love, they never ended it, because her mom didnt like him. she was 15 at the time of them seeing each other. she is a quiet girl, we never argued about anything. i thought i had it all. now we are getting divorced. she dont even want child support. I lost someone so special. If it wasnt for money, i would have killed myself. so guys i guess i have no advice. i am a shitty person. I told her i hate her. for choosing a fling over her husband, and breaking our marriage, and my kids will never get to know me. im not ever going to see them again? i dont know what to do. i would like to go home and stay, but she says she will just leave. man... idk. fu*k it. make new kids get a new girl, leave ur past in da past.
written by damaged, 21 December, 2011
I’m in the same thing, and I’m going to try to save this, even though after reading all this, it seems like it’s a lost cause. Two boys, 11 years, I’m going to try.
What burns me among other things is this person who understood their (our wives’) situation – married, kids, etc, and still went ahead, and created a relationship. Perhaps a one nighter, but what is this person made of that moves forward with a relationship full knowing the direct and indirect damage they are doing. How can this person actually legitimize the right to say to this woman, my woman, "I know this is going to cause a lifetime of damage to some people, including a direct effect on children, but I’m still going to sleep with you".
written by thalweg, 21 December, 2011
My wife of 20 years told me last Sunday it was time for divorce. She’s been cold for a long time and wouldn’t talk about it. Fortunately, there is no sign of another man. She just wants to "find herself" and "be a woman" and "grow up." It’s terribly painful. But I can tell that she’s been thinking about it for so long that the only way to deal is to get it over with. She’s unwilling to work on it together. Remember the story about the bird in the cage: if you let it go and it doesn’t come back, it was never yours. So, we’ve went to the bank together to close accounts and open her own, preparing divorce and custody papers, and trying to make agreements. My heart goes out to all of you who’ve lost your mate to another. That is just wrong.
written by Yahoo, 21 December, 2011
My wife of 14 years walked out on me and our two kids about 6 months ago. At first she blamed me and my neglect of her but a few weeks later I found out that she had developed some feelings for her gym instructor. He had been exchanging music etc with her and slowly she became obsessed with this man. We still started working on our marriage and things seemed to improve as she felt she was ready to move back. However she started exchanging flirty messages with her gym instructor again last month – who she hasn’t seen for 5 months. At first she convinced me it was just friendship but now she seems to be on a high and energized by their exchanges. The other day out of the blue she broke up with me. She still hasn’t met her instructor yet but chats with him daily mostly silly stuff. Is this some sort of phase? Should I wait or proceed with divorce? She is so confused and so am I.
written by Lee, 25 December, 2011
smilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/cry.gif Please tell me what you think.
Ive been with my wife since, 2006. We have a 4 year old daughter together. We lived in New York and i worked two jobs, We struggled at times, but We always pulled through. Well I eventually joined the military. I am a Infantry soldier in Afghanistan getting shot at everyday in the Kunar province. This entire deployment my wife has been acting weird. The first 4 months of my deployment my wife was texting me maybe once per day. and i was fine with that. I then noticed that she cleaned out my bank account every paycheck. I make $5,000.00 per month. I checked our phone usage online and I noticed that she had been texting me once per day and some random other number approximately 75 times per day. I questioned her about it and she claimed it was some young kid she played xbox live with. He is 13 and he is gonna teach her how to play Ukelele. I told her its not fair I pay for unlimited text international for her which is $200.00 per month. she eventually stopped texting that number. But then I noticed that on our bank statement she purchased a new cell phone on the side. She denied it. I continued to press the matter and she said it was nothing and she will stop using it if it makes me angry. She continued to be cold to me and not flirty or anything, I eventually went home on R&R in July. Everything seemed fine. but then as i went to grab socks from the closet I noticed a new phone lying behind the cabinet. I opened the phone and it was loaded with messages to the same number she claimed was some young 13 year old boy she played xbox live with. only to find it wasnt. All the messages said stuff like. I love you bigdaddy. I wanna fuck you! I miss you! I wish you were my husband. I questioned her about it and she started crying and said sorry and she loved me and wanted me. I said alright. I forgive you. because I love you. Before I left for afghanistan I noticed a lot of flirty messages on her xbox live.
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written by Lee, 25 December, 2011

I asked her to not talk to this flirty guys. so we deleted them. a week after I got back to Afghanistan I noticed she made a new email account and a new xbox live account. and the guy that was flirting with her and we deleted was on her new account. She claimed that she didnt make it to hide it from me. she made it cuz her Kill over death ratio sucked on her other account. Whatever Ill skip 3 months now. I notice in my wifes contact list on her phone, I checked online. a number labeled Bigdaddy!. I questioned her about this. She claimed it was some guy she played xboxlive with. His name was Bigdaddy. So i checked her xboxlive feed and she never played any guy named bigdaddy ever!. about 5 days later she told me she wants to divorce me she hates me she dont love me and she is tired of lying to me. she has many secrets and Ill never find out. So naturally i wanted to know so I pushed the matter. She eventually told me it Was Mana. This is the name of the guy she had in her secondary cellphone. the same guy she been giving her heart to since January 2011. She said she isnt talking to him. He was just checking up on her. I asked why you labeled it bigdaddy then, and she said its the first thing that came to her mind! She said nothing going on. Mind you that Im always trying to flirt with my wife and tell her how beautiful she is and how much i love her but she doesnt respond the same way. She says, AHUH.. So naturally i assume something is going on. I then checked her accounts again and I found a message from a guy saying. ILY baby. I didnt get what I wanted from it but Its ok. I Love you baby. Sleep well. So I questioned her about it and she lied several times. And finally said It was mana.. This same guy. Here it is Christmas day and my wife tells me that she can’t get over him. She is in love with him. i asked what about me? I take great care of you! Im good looking! I give you lots of money! Im sweet always. We have a beautiful daughter! She said well you can’t sing or play Ukelele!! She then said that She isnt in love with me because we always argue. But she realizes that the reason we argue is because she is giving me no attention at all. And she keeps betraying me by giving her love to this other guy. She loves me but she loves me a lot less. She is in love with him. IM Hurt IM VERY HURT! Ive been in Afghanistan dodging bullets and Indirect Fire and trying to figure out why my wife is treating me this way. She didnt come clean about all this until the end.. Which just so happens to be Christmas day for me in Afghanistan. smilies/sad.gif Well I love my wife and I told her again that I can easily forgive her for this but she has to get rid of this Stupid Homewrecker. She immediately started to defend him... (HE ISNT STUPID! STOP BASHING HIM!) I pushed it and pushed it and pushed it! She now claims to be undecided and she needs space to grow on her own. I don’t know what to do? None of this makes any sense to me! Im at war fighting in a warzone! I love my family! im honest! What is her deal? Oh yeah I didnt mention that she is staying at her parents house. I figured it would be good for my wife and daughter to be near family while i was deployed and i would also help her parents with bills. Her Mom claims she hasnt done anything wrong and gets mad when i ask about it. She has been out to 3 concerts in the past 2 months. and she continued to tell me she wants to make us work but then goes right back to Mana. if she even stopped with him I don’t know.. But now we are at the point where she wants to leave me. HELP ME PLS SOMEBODY MY LIFE SUCKS ENOUGH AS IT IS IN THIS WAR!!! How can i save my Marriage?
written by Varro, 25 December, 2011
I am in the same boat guys. I am 30 married 2 years, been with my wife 6. She said she feels like we are roommates and she is not happy anymore. She is a doctor and works lots of hours, comes home from work and just sits on the laptop and doesnt communicate with me. She says she cant see how our marriage can ever be happy again. She thought it was best we separated so I moved out. Its been 2 weeks we talk once and a while on the phone about work etc.. not about the relationship. Our marriage is dead and I feel soo devastated I have a low will to live right now, I hope I make it through this.
written by Older and Wiser, 01 January, 2012
Hang in there, Varro. I was in the exact same place a few years ago when my ex- left me when she started her internship. I think medicine really does a number on them and makes them cold, cruel people. It’s not you, buddy. It’s her. Move on. You will be better off.
written by Jebus, You guys sound like a bunch of women..., 05 January, 2012
After 15, 20, "37" years who the fok is still IN LOVE with anything? You would have to be an idiot to validate your cheating with the statement "I love you but I’m not in love". How shallow can a human being be to blurt that out and feel that they are on top of the problem.
I trust no one! I don’t trust my wife, my boss, my president or that aliens live under the ice cap at the north pole.
I trust what I see and that makes happy for me! I have a separate account and I pay the bills! I also collect the half from my wife twice a month. There is no joint account and bs. It’s protection for both of us because you never know when the devil (such as one of those unmarried girlfriends who preaches celibacy because its so fun to be 30 and have one night stands and wake up on a Monday night and think its Friday still) You never know!
Marriage is a responsibility to yourself as much as it is to your family. You can’t just be blind and expect a fairy tale. Those are bullcrap and ONLY HAPPEN IN MOVIES! If you think otherwise you are an idiot! Lifetime is a lot longer than one of those 120 minute fairy tales where some bloke with money finds a girl out of this world now the movie ends with him giving her a 10 karat ring on top of the Eifel Tower. SHiiiiT!
Quit being suckers people! Just because you got married it doesn’t mean you have to give your balls away and all you have... Oh and for those suckers who accepted to be babysitters and then got screwed and left with zilch overnight.... Umm I hope you learned a lesson! And for those who think or hope the bitch will come back... I hope not! If she does I hope you pee in her tea following the only hero here! You know who you are.
Of and the dude with the belt... A bet is so impractical for that sort of thing.... Since you threw away your dignity when you got married.... Try a vacuum cleaner wire next time! I’m only joking you poor guy... No woman is worth that even your wife of 50 years! You come alone.... and you go alone! You will answer alone and overall you really are alone! Get a hold of yourself and seize this bitch of life before it gets you! It’s never too late for anything but it’s always too early for any mistake!
Time will pass and there will be a day when all this will be behind and you will have lived some sort of life after the mess.... How good or how bad will only be up to you!

Thanks all for sharing.... It’s always good to sharpen my cheat detector skills haha! It happens to the best and all I can hope is that both men and women prepare for such a time from day one because it s a good possibility it will come even though you may be prince charming and you poop hundreds in the morning. It isnt a guarantee but you have to be an idiot to leave yourself out to the fairytale concept. It is for fools! 9 times out of 10 the fairytale blows up in your face and now you have to deal with the beast who is about to kill the prince or the princess and fuck it all up.

Oh ya... the responsibility. You owe it to God to take care of yourself as well as your family! Don’t let that slip away! I am serious! You may not be able to prevent a calamity but you you sure as shit can be prepared when it comes and it will be that much easier to continue.

Watch out! For every good one theres 5 waiting to take half claiming some bs justification. Don’t let her leave you in your undies.

And for women who read this... Yes I know not all of you are "like that" but you might as well be! I don’t trust any of you because after all... Eve did eat that apple and thats hard to forget.

written by MarkyMark, 16 January, 2012
Guys, we need to stop blaming ourselves so much unless you cheated or were truly abusive. And above all else, DO NOT BEG OR PLEAD for her to stay even though you feel like it. Ive been thru this twice – trust me. If she cant stay committed then let her walk!! Marriage is NOT about being happy, happy, happy all the time like many women believe they’re entitled to... ugh, I’m so over all of it!
written by me too, 17 January, 2012
Hello guys. WOW. Its like you were peaking in my window. Same story here. High school sweethearts. Went to college together. dated 7 yrs before we got married. Waited another 6ys to have kids – to really get to enjoy our alone time before starting a family. We did everything right, never rushed into anything. Wife was a stay at home mom. I made good money and provided well. 3 yrs ago wife went back to school, got a job, met a MARRIED co-worker and then dropped the ever dreaded " love you but not in love with you" Its been said on this post a thousand times but its soooo true – DO NOT BEG OR PLEAD. She has thought about this long and hard, and by the time you here love u but not in love with you, its already too late. I will guarantee 100% if you here the dreaded words, there is someone else. You and your relationship are being compared to something brad new, exciting and a little dangerous and you will absolutely come up short in her mind. If you are like me, you are thinking there is nooooo way my wife is cheating. TRUST me on this one. Sorry to say, but its over. All the begging, pleading and crying will not change a thing. As I stated, she has thought long and hard before she comes to you with the news. By now, she and Captain Save-a-ho are already so emotionally involved there is no longer room for you. Your world will fall apart. Nothing will matter to you, believe me it is a living HELL! Its been 4 months for me and things are just now starting to settle. I liken it to one of those Christmas snow globes. Your world is being shaken harder than you ever have experienced and all hell is flying around you and you cant get the shaking to stop so things can settle again. Th mistakes I made – 1. Stayed under the same roof and in same bed until divorce date. 2. Begged and pleaded for her not to leave me. 3. Tried to be her servant, made coffee for her, washed and cleaned her car, wrote her a sappy love letter. Best advice I can give is once you here the words, get out while you still have some dignity – she will take that too if you let her.
written by informationPleez, 18 January, 2012
Just to let you guys in on something, because men are really stupid when it comes to women, I being a man I’m 25, I can tell you, I’ve never been through a divorce, I’m a savvy investor. But I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years. The thing about women is, they’ve been socially conditioned, by us, to expect a fairytale life, disney movie after disney movie, has taught our daughters that women want to get married!!!! when they find their prince charming. Now, when they find out it isn’t so charming, or when the oxytocin runs dry (Google it), the "love" slips away, they will subconsciously and conscious reason with their internal "right" to find prince charming... Only to divorced, marry again, and repeat. Women are the worst serial marriagist (not a word) they embark on this cycle their whole lives. 50% of all marriages fail, I bet you knew that... but did you know, and this is america’s dirty lil secret, that 75% of those failed marriages are initiated by women. Now, Why could this be? Well, simple... men are taught not to want marriage, so when they marry, they quickly find out that it’s not as bad... lowered expectations, greater results. Now, women however, over glorify this arrangement, have you ever seen an episode of "Monster Bride"? Can anyone figure out why women want to marry soooooo bad? It’s a question that they don’t even know the answer to. If it’s anything this thread is missing, its knowledge, there are a few older men on here, whom, are excusable, due to their absence during the information age. Here’s the truth, the majority of men only want their wives when there exist a competition. I’m sure none of you tried as hard before divorce. Why? Because men are driven by competition. There have been studies, were sperm count in a man is significantly lower when he’s comfortable with her ( no competition ). Vice Versa, bigger balls. Now, why am I telling you this? Well, I’m sure my girlfriend will eventually slip me the " I Love you but I’m not in love with you" line, she has done it before, and I have weather that storm. Because I have set for myself and more accurate set of expectations from a woman. I saw it coming, before any tell-tail signs, before any suspicious behavior, I just assumed it beforehand, just like she assumed you to be her prince-charming. I feel for the guys on this thread, it’s hard, men usually have this mental distortion of what their mates are capable of, I know I’ve been there. "They would never cheat", only to see a her inconceivable monster during the split lol. It’s funny, but we men are simpler than we think. Now... let me paint a more accurate picture of marriage today... Couple marry, men’s testosterone drops, lessens his interest in his woman, simultaneously, woman’s testosterone levels are growing (Yes woman have testosterone AND they output more then men do as age progresses), making her more like a young boy, while your decreasing levels of T (because T peaks around your early 20’s) are turning you into a little girl. Result’s vary from man to man, but women however, reach their sexual peak in their late forties, she cheats, feels increase increase levels of oxytocin, the affair is like cocaine, makes her high, literally. This level of high actually stupefies the woman into thinking she loves the man she’s having sex with. However, affairs statistically never last. So if you think she’s leaving you for someone else... chances are your wrong and her affair (new lover) is really only temporary. Once the thrill of the affair is gone... that new guy gets cuckolded as well... women are fickle creatures... they think they love when they don’t more often then men do. So what am I proposing... DONT GET MARRIED. Create a basis for Honesty in the relationship, and just flat out accept that any woman you fall in love with, will mostly likely cheat on you. Don’t cloud your perception, with religious reasoning, or fairytale forever... Notice that most successful marriages occur when the woman is financially enslaved by the husband, good-luck trying to find that today... explains the recent emergence of the mail-order bride. Times are changing, you can speak to your pastor about, but I’m sure he’s clueless. Men need to educate themselves... and stop falling for these (ultimately generative) massive financial blunders. If you thought The gays were the worst thing that happened to marriage, think again, marriage ended when women became liberated. ANYONE WANT TO OFFER A VALID SHRED OF EVIDENCE THAT CONTRADICTS THESE FACTS... please do so. Cynicism is encouraged...
written by The 25yr old Informant, 18 January, 2012
I feel for the men on this thread, they are older and to them I give my respect... But this is quickly becoming an ant equated issue, for marriage is rapidly dying out... My advice to you men, do not remarry, as it has now proven that it does not guarantee you a woman for life. As for religion, there is no religion in Divorce lol. I have my girlfriend for 7 yrs and we have agreed to never marry, things couldn’t be going any better. Now, Imagine taking that money you wasted on the wedding, and investing it in a home theater system, or a timeshare ... I learn from your mistakes, again I pay tribute to our fallen men – we live through ye’. Is their any other advice which you can bestow upon the younger generation... please do.
written by me too, 18 January, 2012
Sorry to post again so soon, but that was my first ever post and it felt good to put that in writing to men who are going thru the same thing! She dropped the bomb on me in mid October. I come from a very large family, I’m the youngest of 9 children. My mother and father are still married to this day, 58 years in total. Thanksgiving, mom and dad had over 30 people at their house. I was surrounded by over 30 family members and I was the loneliest person on earth. I’m just trying to let those of you know who are recently going thru this the kind of HELL you need to expect. I had my kids with me which was the only thing keeping me from overdosing on turkey to end it all. I’m telling you, by my own experience, the absolute worst mistake I made was staying in the same house/bed until the divorce date. It is total torture seeing the love of your life, best friend, soul mate, your world, the woman you would stand in front a speeding truck for, the mother of your children, the person that knows you better than you know yourself and not to be able to hold her or touch her in any way. Than there is the cell phone. She guarded that thing better than they guard gold at Fort Knox. And every time I heard it vibrate, it was like someone kicked me in the jimmy’s. To know that she was in contact with him right in front of me. You cannot imagine the pain!! You have to get out and separate yourself from this. And as for your social life, yeah that part sucks too. We had a large group of married couples that we hung around. Took small vacations together, camped, rode 4 wheelers, new years eve gatherings, Halloween parties, the friendship of the children – all that is gone. Divorce effects EVERYTHING! I cannot paint the picture of HELL you will go thru enough. You are going to go thru HELL. Until you realize that it is over, and you stop checking your phone every 5 minutes to make sure you did not miss the magic call or text from her that she wants to get back together, you will never stop torturing yourself. Most likely that phone call/text will never come. You need to realize this. I cannot tell you how ( still working on this myself ) but you need to move on and soon. I can tell you, if you keep busy and positive, things do get better. Its been a little over three months ago that she dropped the bomb on me and I have made good progress in that short amount of time. I’v went to feeling lower than a maggot to rising all the way to the level of a cockroach. If the journey is 1,000 miles, I have gone about 3. But its 3 in the positive and that is important. Stay strong, love your children and yourself. In another 60 years from now, who will care anyway?
written by me too, 18 January, 2012
informationpleez –
I could not disagree with your post more. People are here to share experiences and hopefully learn a thing or two on the way. Not to be told how stupid we are about women. You don’t want to get married, good for you, that is your right. I for one, and 95% of the folks on this post, believe that marriage is a worthwhile institution worth investing feelings, time and sacrifice. That is our right. Tread lightly, you’re talking to people going thru total HELL.
written by imbas3, 18 January, 2012
Unbelievable reading. Currently in the same situation myself but I am devising my plan to pick myself back up, stand tall, be strong in the face of a shitty situation. We haven’t filed yet but she has the papers all ready. Just need to be notarized and filed in the county. From now on I am focusing on me – what I want. I want my freedom back. I want to live my life my way without being nagged. Being told that it is over will actually be a turning point in my life. Our marriage of 11 years has been gradually fizzling out and we are left with resentment for each other. Time for a change. We will still be stuck dealing with each other since we will be co-parenting a 6 year old. We may actually end up getting along better after the divorce. Who knows. I think she cheated on me at one point a few years back but I don’t care. I am not crying about it. Good luck everyone who has posted here or will post in the future. You need to pull yourself up.
written by Kev1969x, 21 January, 2012
Wow, yeah, a lot of us are going through it, my wife, lied to me, deceived me, used me, cheated and left me for her 56 yr old scummy "Don Juan" boss, she is 33, we have an almost 3yr old boy and a 6yr old girl, we moved from michigan to hawaii with her family on this money plan that i was scared it would not work out and yep it didn’t, now we are all struggling, all my family and friends are in michigan, I had 2 good jobs back there, places to live cheaply, and a third less expensive than here, but i will not leave my children, i love them with all my heart, but really hard being away those who i luv back home, she still is not pushing the divorce since i found out about them before she was pushing it hard, not sure if it’s a eat your cake too scenario or guilt or what, problem is i do have feelings for her and bummed my family broke apart even though i have every reason to hate her, for some reason i can’t? now this prick get’s my life,my wife and gets to wake up and spend every night with my babies now, hurts a lot, and not sure how to handle her rages and mentally abusive mannerisms, no heart, compassion, nothing, so i would love any advice and god bless the ones above this blog for what they are going through.
written by me too, 23 January, 2012
Sorry to hear that. Its a really bad situation! The cold facts are you need to move on. Just like my situation, there is not much you can do to change her mind and you will drive yourself insane trying to do so. You have to remember you were a complete person before and during your marriage and you are a complete person now. Only your thoughts have changed. I have no idea how to tell you to move on, still trying myself, but you need to. I have been out of the house for 3 weeks now, and let me tell you it is total hell being away from my kids in a lonely apartment. The thing is, do not hide from your feelings. Do not lie to yourself that this is no big deal. You need to feel your feelings, cry, scream, listen to sad music, but put a time limit on it. I did this about the first 3 or 4 nights I was by myself. You will eventually get tired of feeling this way and things will get better. Not good but better. It starts to go from the feeling of losing an arm to just losing a hand. And another bit of advice.... DO NOT BEG AND PLEAD. If you must, express your feelings to her that you still love her and want to work things out, but do it in a strong way. Do not cry or appear whimpy. I’m telling you, that will only drive her farther away. Than leave it at that. DO NOT call and text daily, she will now know how you feel and the ball will be in her court. Trust me, when you come to the realization that she is not coming back( and I dont think she will – sorry, just speaking from experience here ) at least you will have some self dignity left. And believe me, when you reach the stage where I am at now, that is VERY important. Thats all you will have left. All can I tell you is welcome to the club, membership is free. I know it is total hell. But when you are in hell, the best thing you can do is keep walking. Just know that there is no magic pill and the calvary is not coming to save you. Its only you! Good luck and keep posting. We need eachother in these situations, we can maybe even help eachother thru this. No one that has not been thru this themselves will NEVER understand the hurt and hell involved. You are now apart of a new group and you will find total strangers here that actually care about what you are going thru. Good luck and keep posting!
written by Kane, 24 January, 2012
Some interesting and sad threads... my wife told me back in August that she had slept with 3 guys and a girl over the past year.. but for one of the guys, an emotional relationship started although she said that they had only slept with each other once with the rest of the contact being by cell phone.. My wife was struggling with the pain of what she had done and this had gone on for months, I was man enough, or stupid enough, when she told me, that I can get past it as long as she admits that it was a mistake and commits to fixing our marriage.. she did, for 4 months, but told me at Christmas that she randomly got in contact with the guy and called around to his place at 3am – apparently they only fooled around, whatever that means..?!? anyway, I told her "goodbye" and that freaked her out and she is begging, crawling and doing everything possible to show that she will try and fix the relationship.. we have been living apart for a month and only text each other, although every day.. Am I stupid for thinking that I should give her ANOTHER chance? I mean, I stupidly still care for her and love her but I don’t want to be one of those guys who just doesn’t learn and everyone laughs at behind my back. I am 33 and we have no children. I’d appreciate someones thoughts on the situation?
written by me too, 25 January, 2012
This is a tough one.... You have to decide between letting her go and making the mistake of your life or staying with her and making the mistake of your life. Pretty simple, right? Hardly!! You know her better than anyone here. I for one am all about working it out, but there is ALOT of baggage here. If you decide to stay with her, that is your commitment to NEVER throw this up in her face no matter what happens down the road. And believe me that is easier said than done. But on the other hand, if you decide to let her go it could be, or seem to you anyway down the road, you made the biggest mistake of your life. Wow this is a tough one. But no one knows better than you. You just need to decide. Two things I can tell you 1.) she will probably never change, sorry to say. 2.) whatever you decide, you have to take what other people may say behind your back out of the equation. This is your life, not theirs! I know that taking her back and getting burned will SUCK. I know letting her go and regretting it will SUCK. Good luck and keep me posted.
written by natest, 26 January, 2012
i must say just as Me Too has just said the decision remains up to you since you know her better than any of us here. All the same i think that if you forgive her she might get again into cheating ‘cos cheating is kind of an addiction.
written by me too, 27 January, 2012
Not that any one cares, but it feels good to post, even if no one reads it. A little update on my situation – I am feeling much better. Still not good, but MUCH better. I think this past week I have finally accepted that it is over, no chance of getting back together. Honestly, I hope I never have the chance to decide wheather to take her back or not. I am in the moving on stage and that is a hell of alot better than the limbo stage. I have gone to strictly no contact unless it is about the kids. When she starts making small talk I tell her I have to go. I have even turned down a dinner invite from her. She tells me that I am a great guy and a great father and still wants to be good, close friends. It just does not work like that. Dating is the least thing on my mind, but I don’t like being alone so I am really struggling with this. Not to brag, but I have realized the last week or so that I am a good catch for someone out there. I have a great job, in good shape. not a bad looking guy, outgoing and all of that, so my confidence is running high. I just want to get myself together so that when I do meet that someone I am ready. TRUST me fellows it does get better. BUT, you have to work at it. Sitting in self pity is no good. I hate feel good sayings, but one has really helped me – "Life is not about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain" So true.
written by Huwwy, 30 January, 2012
Dear All, heartbreaking to read these posts but inspiring too. I read a great book recently written by a lady who has interviewed hundreds of women who have had affairs. Bottom line is, as many of you have already written, once you hear the words "I love you but I’m not in love with you" it is almost guaranteed that she has met someone else. The other point she made was that the chemicals released in a women’s brain when they meet someone new are so strong that many women cannot rationalise their feelings and so there is often very little a husband can do at this point. It was interesting that in the majority of cases the women looked back and regretted their actions but, by then, usually the husband had moved on. Keep strong all.
written by jimj52, 30 January, 2012
Married for over thirty yrs. Wife just one day said she didn’t love me for the last 7. She has a 2 year affair 6 years ago, and spends money on clothes and stuff, like a drunken sailor. We had to refinance our home 3 times, and pull money out of 401Ks. I did love her, but it did takes it toll on my love for her. Lies? Plenty, and can do it so convincingly, and so sweetly. I mean she can take out credit cards and loans, and never tell me about them and kiss me goodnight. Anyway, its been 1 yr and I still miss her badly even though I am dating and rather serious with someone. There are times I feel guilty because there were times in the marriage, I didn’t know if I loved her enough. Those would past and things would be good. I also was critical of her looks at times, but apologized and sought help since I never wanted to leave her and our kids. She is really a very pretty girl. I never cheated, never lied to her, and always honest, but you can see , I did screw up at times. The last 2-3 years things were much better, but she still was spending money, and took out a huge loan I had no idea about. . Now, she has a boyfriend, but I still thinks she cares for me, even though she stills tells me lies, and uses me. (How sad is that) Everyone, from my friends to relatives tells me she no good, and stay away as the divorce is still dragging on (16 months)and she is only using me for leverage on the divorce. It still feel if I was more attentive, which I was at times, she wouldn’t have done all these things like spending , which she has done for 30 plus years, and cheating, which I have to believe now she been doing more than I know. I guess I have some guilt, that I could have done better, and she would come back if I was better. Again, when she left she never mentioned she was leaving because I didn’t love her. She knew I did, and I begged her for us to go to marriage counseling before walking out and ending us which she did in 3 days. She was extremely happy to leave. Thoughts?
written by Broken Down, 08 February, 2012
This forum has been pretty eye-opening for me too guys. I really appreciate everyone that has posted in here. Most of you guys posting in here seem like veterans of marriage – for me, however, I’m still a youngling. I’ve barely been married a year, after knowing my current wife for 3. Just recently, she expressed to me that she isn’t sure if she even wants to be married anymore. She’s not really giving me any reasons whatsoever, and the reasons that do come up, sound like stock excuses that could be applied to anyone on the planet. I thought that I was emotionally available to my wife throughout our 3 year tenure...and while it’s not the 10, 15, or 30 year tenure that most of you have experienced, it meant alot to me. I feel devastated because it makes going to work everyday, and partaking in just about every other activity in my life, seem utterly meaningless. We don’t have any kids together, and we’re both 29 years old, so I know things could be worse, but heart break is still heart break no matter how you look at it. I haven’t had a very successful "run" with other girls in my life as of yet, but I thought that my current wife was something special.

It’s difficult to make it through every day knowing that we’re teetering on the edge of getting a divorce. I sold everything that I had when I moved states to live with my life. I have few friends, and very little "support" from people because of my current situation. I feel like everyone involved in my wife’s life that told us how perfect we were for each other, are now the same people saying how different we are, and that it won’t work. It all seems like one big giant sham to me, and that I’m being ganged up on. There’s no hope for this situation, and it makes me physically ill. I feel like throughout the time of knowing her, I’ve improved as a person and anyone would be happy to be married to me. I do all of the chores at home, I’m the only one who works, and I left my wife go out, all the time, without me, because I know how much she enjoys seeing her friends and the freedom that accompanies it. But now, I’m being accused of not giving her enough, in a sense.

What would compel another human being to do this to someone else, if they truly loved them? People support selfishness, and in this particular case, I cannot fathom why I’m not recognized as the victim. It’s utterly DESPICABLE!
written by nice guy, 11 February, 2012
nice guys always get burned. I join the club,and I feel lousy about my life at this point. married for 10 yrs and 2 beautiful boys, 1yr and 3yrs old. she served me the classic line "I love you,but I am not in love with you". I was happily married and one day I figured out something is wrong. she was having an affair for 3 months, and had repeatedly had sex with the guy, more than 10 times behind my back. she usually has a lousy character, always bickering, always yelling at me, always unhappy, always building storm in house. I was calm as much as I could, and tried to calm her down, even accepted to dance at everything she was dictating me, I tried to make my family united and happy, went to vacations together, enjoying with my family every weekend out in nature, trying to make my wife as happy as she could be. I failed miserably, one day she decided she fell in love. crazy thing is the other guy look less better than me, has less money than me, has a crazy past with drugs, alcohol, women, and she got so crazy about him, she is the one who beg sex and attention from him. now she wants to move with the guy, take my both children, and ask for support. she even taught my 3yrs old son to tell him daddy. its sooo painful. what the heck happened to women these days, there is no humanity in their bones anymore???
written by anonymous dude, 16 February, 2012
My wife rejected me, alot. Then, while I was deployed, she said how much she regretted not being with me. So I think, "great, when I get back, it’s going to be passionate"................wrong. A year later, I left for training and met a wonderful girl. She had no requirements, obsessiveness, or demanding mentality. I felt myself being drawn to her, and it was only a matter of time before we crossed into the no turning back area. I feel dissapointed in myself for admitting that, but yet relieved at the same time. It’s true. It was the constant rejection that led me to it. When I met a girl that actually did the opposite, I couldn’t resist. No further attachment ever came, although it could have. Knowing that there are women out there that will give you what you seek was enough for me to move on. In closing, to all you dudes wearing panties and taking that bs because you think there is nothing better: Just because you owe money on your car, doesn’t mean you can’t trade it in for something better. Get me?
written by keep the faith, 18 February, 2012
Pray and persevere. Remember there is faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love
written by Husky, 23 February, 2012
I’ve read most of the comments above dating as far back as 4 years and yet it is if though they were only written yesterday. Sadly, it actually makes me feel better to know I’m not the only one going through this or that has gone through this.

18x months ago I came home from work, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. I was so shocked I had no idea that there was even a problem between us. She started to blame me for everything thinkable and the worst part of it all, I believed her. I refused the divorce and 3x months later she went away on vacation to another country "to visit another man”. I overlooked that as I loved her deeply and wanted to work on our marriage. She came back and the whole blame-game started again. She was really good at this and had me believe that I was at fault.

I went to a counselor and came back as she wanted me. For the next 6x months everything seemed to be back to normal, she then asked if she could go work on a cruise ship with all the necessary promises, saying that it would be a dream come true. At this stage I was quite nervous but trusted her enough to let her go.

The first couple of weeks after she’s left we still had regular contact and everything was still going well, then all of a sudden removed her wedding ring and started to ignore me and eventually there was no more communication.

She came back almost a week ago after being away for 8x months (which was supposed to be 6), told me she still wanted a divorce and that she had an affair with another man, which she blames me for.

We’ve been together for 9x years and I’ve been loyal to her, given her everything she ever wanted but sadly that was not enough. I’ve always boasted about her loyalty but I was naive. So many people told me that this would happen but I refused to believe it. I’ve given her the go-ahead on the divorce as I simply cannot get passed the fact that she’s been with another man.

From you guys’ experience, will you ever be able to trust another woman?
written by MCN, 27 February, 2012
Wow it does seem like every husband on here was reading from the book of my life by way of divorce. The signs are always there. My story starts 25 years ago. I had never been married before. I waited till I was 30. For I had seen many of my friends divorce the same way. But I though I was smart and that it wouldn’t happen to me. My first wife, We fell in love, we had a child. I paid her way through school so she could get a good job where I was working. I had a great job too. It wasn’t long. I began to hear rumors that she was having affairs with some of the men co workers. She was on second shift and I was on first. So one evening I went into work, and sure enough she was in the back room with a man that I found out later did become her lover.
Time went on and she begin to say she loves me but not in love with me and continued daily to find a new fault in me to raise hell about. No matter how much I tried to improve, she would then verbally assault me with more and a newer list of fault in me. It finally got to where I couldn’t fix everything about me. I mean I worked 6 days a week, was and still am a good looking man. Showed her affection whenever I could for we had two little children at home. Eventually she left and took the children with her. She moved in with her sister. She used her sisters home as a front for her sister to watch our children while she went out and played with her lovers. Yes I would hear rumors at work that 3 different men were arguing with each other over her. In that separation, I did all the begging, groveling, flowers. Nothing would work. Occasionally she would write me a love note when she saw I wasn’t bothering her anymore. Then that love note would get my hopes up high again and the vicious cycle would start all over again. We eventually divorced and I miss my daughter so much, The other child was hers from a previous marriage of which I had nothing to do with the ending of her first marriage.
She kept my 2 year old daughter away from me till we could get in court. I eventually was granted visitations to my daughter, and so we waited for the next two hearings. During that time after returning my daughter back to her, she calls my mother and says that I have been molesting my 2 year old daughter. I was so furious I could have killed her. How dare she say and accuse me of this. She had known me all of my life, I’m leaving her alone and letting her live her life, and so she throws this absurd accusation at me. She took our daughter to the doctor to check her out. Of course she was fine. I hate her to this dying day of all that she did to me. We finally got divorced. And I thought well that is the end of that. But I learned, that when you get divorced with children, it’s not the end of her torment. It is the foot of the huge mountain till your children are grown. She did all she could do to brainwash my child into hating me. Kept her from me on holidays like my birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.
But I will never forget how it almost killed me during the separation during that first year. I went from 160lbs down to 115lbs. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I went to counseling because I was hurting so much from all of this. My employer paid for it. During that time my wife would call the therapist and tell them I am on drugs, which I have never done in my life. Then she would go to personnel and tell them more lies than a convict about me. As a result of all of this, the company let me go. Then I lost my home, and car, and got behind in child support. She then took me to court for being a few weeks behind. Well Luckily I was able to borrow the money from my sweet Mother. I paid it, plus I had to pay for my attorney and her attorney.

I live by free will. I found out that we have no control over anyone. A wife will do as she so pleases, you are helpless to stop her. She doesn’t nor ever has belonged to you. She was yours for a season, when it gets this far it is over, be strong. Peace
written by MCN, 28 February, 2012
Years later I met another women. I was never going to marry ever again. Well after 12 years, she finally talked me into it. We bought a nice home. I raised her daughter. We were together 16 years. She began to get all dolled up to go to work. It was so out of the ordinary. She would spend all of her money on nice clothes just to wear to work. She began tanning, lost some weight. She wouldn’t come home in the evenings after work. I began object to it, on the weekends. Whenever I spoke to her she would lash out like a mad woman. I would say, hey look honey at an item in a book, and she would scream at me and call me every SOB in the world. She would get phone calls at 3:30 in the morning and would run outside to talk. I would ask, why did you run outside? She said so she could hear them. I would be riding with her to go eat, she would get calls on her cell phone. Oh yes, the cell phone, She had it for 6 months secretly before I found out about it. So we’re going to eat, she kept hitting ignore. I asked her why, she said it was her daughter wanting to know if we were coming over. I said , she knows we’re on our way, right?

We get to her daughters house to pick her and the grands up, I stop at the store to get a drink. While I’m waiting in line I look out and see her on the phone. I ask who was that? Oh just a wrong number. She changed bank accounts, went and borrowed $10,000 behind my back. She said we need to separate, She wanted $20,000 for her equity in the house although she put nothing in it. I agreed. I begged her not to. She did anyway. The way she did that was I came home from work one day, and the house was totally empty. Cleaned out, no cups, spoons, towel, wash cloth, glass, soap, bed, washer & dryer, absolutely nothing. Then I found out later that she had bought a house and the other side of town. She would still call me and curse me out every night. Through my own investigations, I found out where it was. Then one night I ride by and see her car at her new house and I see another car there too. I was her lover’s car. I wanted to kick the doors in, but I knew it would be futile.

A husband doesn’t know his wife till he divorces her. I have always said now that there are no other lessons about life and living that I am still yet to learn by way of marriage and divorce. When a wife starts this stuff up and you see the signs, it’s time to let them go and don’t beg them and turn away from them forever and keep your honor and dignity. I have 2 brothers whose wives did the very same thing to them. And one brother that has had two divorces like me. As one poster pointed 50% of marriages end in divorce, and of those divorces, it’s the wives that do this kind of thing. Every man that I know that is my age, had been through this and the stories all seem the same after a while. When a wife say to you, “ I think we need to separate” she is having an affair. If she says, “we need to see other people” she already is.

To me though, there is a right way and a wrong way to divorce, but not like the stories here and of all the back stabbing, cut throating, cheating wives that are conniving against their husbands as I type this. Bottom line, when a wife starts doing this, get rid of her fast and never look back, take care of yourself only and not deal with her.

written by 48 Crash, 29 February, 2012
My ex’s deception went on for years. Not that she was having an affair (that I know of) but she’d opened seperate bank accounts for us as "we have different spending requirements" and that it would be easier to budget. All made sense to me and I trusted her. Two years later and at her behest she said she wanted to seperate, that she didn’t love me and no longer wanted to live with me. I was staggered. I knew we had gone a bit stale for about 6 months and I had been really down due to the death of my father but I thought it was just a blip.
When I analysed the situation (as you do over and over again)I realised what she had been doing. She had a storage unit and had been squirreling furniture, kitchen ware etc away ready for the off.
The thing that hurts the most is that we were still intimate right up until a month before we split.
And after 23 years of being together she told one of her relatives that divorce was "inevitable". That word still haunts me.
We have now been separated for almost 2 years and will divorce soon. I dont want her back but I grieve everyday for my loss. I loved her and cant move on as quickly as she has.
As soon as she moved into her new place she started knocking off the local electrician. I didn’t even need to find out about it, she emailed me practically bragging about her wonderful new love life.
I cant and never will forgive her, but the feelings are still there and I hurt so badly at times.
How can a anyone you gave the best years of your life to treat you in such a cold, calculating and hateful way?
She was the love of my life and I dont think I could ever trust another woman again.
written by MCN, 01 March, 2012
48 crash, from what I read of your post, that you r wife was having an affair for a while before she left. She was already making the usual steps getting ready for that quick leave. Women really do need to feel secure. When they are married to you, and you work everyday and provide for her and love her, she does fell secure. It is instilled in them by God. Wheather they realise it or not, it is there, they need to feel secure. And so, a wife doesn’t leave a good man just to go live alone and THEN start looking for a good man. 99% of the time, they will make sure they have thier security with another man first, and once she has established that security, she will blame you for everything, put you down for everything you do or say. Every girlfriend I have ever had cheated on me behind my back. My two wives cheated on me and left me for thier lovers. Every man I know, brother’s and friends, have about the same story to tell about thier cheating wives. Society for some odd reason tells us that husbands are cheaters ,etc. Yeah right. I’m in my third marriage, I know she hasn’t cheated on me, but I will know the signs if she ever does cheat. And in your case, it is not unusual for a departed wife to still call you and rub it all in your face. Just do not ever get married again, it doesn’t work in this country.
written by CP, 01 March, 2012
Just for the record, I sympathize with you guys and I’m a woman. My husband just up and left me with our two young children and moved several states away to live with his mother. It basically happened overnight. Said he loved me, but hadn’t had "romantic" feelings for me in some time. There was no warning, no nothing. He just left. I’m only sharing this because I want you all to know not all women are cheating sharks. Men and women alike are capable of all sorts of cruel things. It’s not the gender, it’s the person. I for one loved my husband very much, he was (what I considered) my soulmate and I am devastated beyond belief. I would have never, in a million years, cheated on him. And I would have definitely tried counseling (which I suggested before he walked out) before throwing my marriage away over "lack of romantic feelings". Did we have our issues? Sure. But who doesn’t? Marriage is a commitment. It’s constantly evolving and growing. Therefore we as people have to grow as well. Unfortunately, there are some people who are so set in their ways that it’s never going to happen. I wish I could tell you all to trust again, to believe in marriage. I can’t. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust anyone ever again. I was blindsided by his sudden revelation and I don’t ever want to feel this way again. I’m just saddened by the fact that other people have to feel the way I do. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. The betrayal, the rejection, the resentment. I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, it hurts the same. No one deserves this pain.
written by Josh S., 07 March, 2012
You should go out and purchase a book called The Love Dare, and follow every word in it. If you truely want your marriage to work. If you do this and it still does not work, then nothing will.
written by Towcester, 08 March, 2012
Boy. My situation is extremely similar to so many here. Daughter (6yo), step-son (12yo), and very angry wife who started going out lots, then staying out overnight, then staying away all weekend, then staying away for two lots of two or three nights, then staying away five nights at a stretch, and this week staying away six nights at a stretch. This started when daughter was 7mo old and stepson was 6yrs old. Over that time I have been indulgent, then annoyed, then suspicious, then angry (found "I love you baby and only you baby" text message she’d sent to another guy – her DJ friend who we’d just dropped at his home having attended a party at which he was working), then outraged (fighting). But still loving, all the way through, asking and negotiating for her to stay, not break up the family, see sense. All to no avail. She is as adamant as the other incorrigibles and intransigents mentioned on this page. I am a well-paid professional, but not a millionaire. I’ve gone without for her (her first words on learning I was being made redundant were "Well, I’m not giving up my car" – a car on which we were each paying half the monthly repayments, and on which I had put down the deposit). But I am sure that she wouldn’t be doing this if I were loaded. I am fed up with the situation. I don’t want her to leave. I feel I love her. But she tells me she HATES being home, HATES this house, HATES being around me. in ideal world, she’d stay. In a next-to-ideal world, she’d send her son to Australia to live with his American gigolo dad, and leave me to raise my daughter away from her pernicious influence (her idea of a joke when daughter was 5yo was tell daughter be a pole-dancer when she grew up – hence inevitable "Daddy, what’s a pole-dancer?"). How do I make either happen?! Thanx,
written by MCN, 09 March, 2012
Aww, Towcester, I feel your pain, and I know almost exactly what is going on in your marriage. She is cheatong on you big time. Your wife has already told you she HATES being aound you, HATES the house. She stays out all the time, friend, I hate to be the one to let you know or for me to verify this for you, but she has already moved on. She has got it made at your pain and suffering.She’s out living her life and enjoying all her other lovers. Like many on here have said and I’m saying the same thing, don’t beg her to stay, that is one of the many regrets most of the husbands feel on here. Keep your dignity. My dignity and honor were raped and steamrolled upon. It still hurts to me to this day, how with both of my ex’s, how i cried for them so, and begged them to stay and then later begged them to PLEASE come home, I need you and I love you, on and on. Today I am very, very ashamed of myslef for begging them both the way I did. Every man that I know personally has been through this very kind of thing.It’s the same story over and over, with not much difference between the stories, only the names change. I bet when you got with her, she would tell you how horribly her exes did her, am I right? Like someone said above, take the panties off and stop taking this bs. Wives always play the poor victim everytime. You were set up by her a long time ago, she keeps everything secret from you. You only know just half of what she is really doing. At least mine tried to cover thier tracks, but yours just blatantly just goes on dates with her other men, right in your face. This is america and these kinds of behaviors from wives now is so common place and is the norm, while husbands are portrayed as wife beaters and cheaters, etc.
Let her send the step son to Australia, that boy was never really yours, and I’m sure she made that quite clear to you on a few occassions too.File for divorce now. It is over, it cannot be saved, for a wife doing you like this has NO respect for the marriage and even less for you, she, like many others hides under the cloak of the victimized wife. Now you will have to pay child support, in the meantime, chnage to a lesser paying job to minimise your support payments, love your daughter all you can. When the divore is pending, do not talk to your wife at all, she will mis guide you and lit to you all the way to her grave. She’s not the woman you thoguth she was. Women will pretend to be a whole lot of things they know they are not just to land a new husband to keep them up, while they cheat on him and turn the kids against him. AS I said before, you don’t know your wife till you divorce her. I have said it for 30 years now, that there is no other lessons about life and living and marriage that I am still yet to learn. I do with that back when my first wife was doing this to me that I would have had an older more experienced advisor on what marriage really is in america than what it really is. To me marriage is defined in the Bible, but the state defines it very differently. It’s just a civil union to them, LOVE has nothing to do with it. MY eyes are wide open now, but now it’s too late for me. I’d love to read next month that you have filed for dovorce and let that woman go live with her lovers till they tire of her, once the divorce is pending, BE DONE with her forever, except when you have to by way of your beloved daughter, and keep it only about the daughter.You have a big decision to make right now, #1 stay married and continue to live with the GUARANTEE and CERTAINTY of living a miserable life,,,#2 Divorce this cheating no good sorry excuse for a wife and at least, live with a HOPE of a happy life. Trust me on this, life will get better for you once you file, it will hurt like HELL for a while, but I promise you, time will heal you. As long as you stay with this cheating coniving tramp, yes tramp for her cheating on her husband, the name does fit, and you stay with her, she will walk all over you.My friend, your marriage is over, it’s been over, she already knows it, now you do. Now you need to put your honor and dignity back into your life and kick her to the curb as they say. Don’t beg her for anything, and whe nshes asks you what will I do? you say frankly my dear I don’t give a damn.
Peace my friend.
written by DD Dude, 14 March, 2012
Yup. Same as others. Wife had an affair for months. I spend a lot of time trying to find out even though I new who it was. She was wih her boss who is 20 years older than her. I still think she is with him, but who cares, she is moving out on the 1st. Can’t wait. Need to move on. Have a 2 and 4 year old at home. I asked her to try and work things out with me, but she didn’t want to. Now, I am glad she doesn’t want too. She doesn’t deserve me. I was true to her for 14 years, I was a good husband, and father. Our relationship was good. She is doing the blame shifting. She changed. She can have her shitty little apartment and go f**k her boss at the baseball fields on her lunch break. Cheaters are low life scum and they will not change. They can have their relationship that was built on lies. Good luck with that.
written by Leave Her, 19 March, 2012
It happened to me three times by three different women. I’m 50 now and married for the fourth time. I was married to my last wife 12 years. We lost a baby in 2007, she blamed me and withdrew. We started counseling. By 2009 she moved out. We continued counseling. I did everything possible to woo her back. The counselor gave me some very good advice although I didn’t want to hear it at the time. She told me to move on. Well, I didn’t, couldn’t, until I found out she was with another man -- had probably been cheating the entire 12 years. We men are not very smart (not like women). But after 3 times I’ve learned a very important lesson. If you are having continous problems with a woman that you cannot resolve then she’s just biding her time with you until the opportunity to leave presents itself. Be smart, if a woman is refusing to meet your needs, and turns to ice, leave her and move on. There are thousands of woman out there waiting their chance to treat you right. Don’t be hung up on your obligations as a husband if she’s not fulfilling hers as a wife. Give her time, a year, maybe two. But if she’s cold and cruel that’s not normal -- and she’ll hurt you and keep hurting you. Why? She’s trying to drive you away. She doesn’t want to admit its her fault. She wants you to leave her. So do it. Be the man. Save her and yourself a lot of pain. If she loves you she’ll come after you and make things right. 99% of the time -- she won’t. That’s how you’ll know you made the right decision. Men, you deserve better than to put up with women like that. Stand up like a man and demand your respect. If she won’t respect you -- walk out on her. The very act commands respect. She might not follow after you. She might not love you. But she will respect that you were smart enough to end a bad relationship. I’d like to be able to tell you that if you put up with it long enough she’ll come around. But she won’t. She knows what she’s doing and she’s doing it intentionally. She thinks your stupid cause you keep trying to make it work. You make every excuse in the world for her believing she’ll come around. It aint going to happen guys. Really!
written by Distraught-001, 26 March, 2012
I’ve known my wife for 21 years, and we were truly best friends for years before dating and getting married. I caught her cheating after suspecting it for about a month. She was adamant with denial until I showed her proof of emails and photos of her car at this guys house. It was a coworker and it had been going on for 4 months. He knew that she was married, and I even met the guy a few times. She doesn’t know if she loved me anymore, and said she needs time to think. I told her that we should go to counseling but she doesn’t want to. My heart is completely broken. All the memories... All the future plans, just ripped from my life! My family loves her, and my parents will be heart broken as well. They considered her their daughter because we grew up together. My wife would even make comments about other people and how they would cheat and say things like: what a b***h I can’t believe her! All the typical things honest people would think and say. I’m her very best friend in the world and to think that she can just do this to me, let alone anyone else!! She doesn’t even realize how this effects our friends, and both families. I know of she decides to move ahead with a divorce that she will be making the biggest mistake of her life. I know that she will come back to me and ask for me back. I just hope I’m strong enough by then to say "I’m sorry, but no". She has forever changed my life and left a huge hole in my heart and the thought that people are generally decent. She has a drinking problem and depression which I have tried for years to help her with. Sometimes it works out for a while but she eventually goes back to drinking. I can’t talk to her when she’s drunk. Everything that she says I have something to say back but if I do it will only make it worse. I don’t want to be intimate with her because she wreaks of alcohol! She blames me for not wanting her. She blames me for her cheating. She blames me for her drinking. What she doesn’t realize is that she is the one that is causing all of her own pain. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I have things that I need to work on too. But if I don’t have someone on my side helping me, encouraging me like I do for her, it’s very difficult to get the motivation if you’re beat down every time.

I know what all of you are thinking: Get out! This is the best thing for you! But I have to fight for her. I love her so much and life without her I can’t even imagine. We have such a close bond but at the same time, because of her drinking, everything is wrong. When she’s sober, it’s great! But then the day progresses. I know that the only reason she is thinking about this is because her "boyfriend" is an escape from her reality. Someone who doesn’t think that she’s an alcoholic. Someone who is new to her and forbidden. An escape from the reality of bills and money. Once he sees her for who she is, he won’t last long, and she’ll want to come back saying what a huge mistake she made.

She’s not even being herself since I found out about the affair. She’s not thinking the way that I know she has for the past 21 years. It’s like an alien or personality change. A switch went off and she is saying such hurtful things that she would never had said to me. And the worst part is, I feel sorry for her! How screwed up is that!? I feel like someone has died, and I can’t be comforted at all. All I want to do is hold her, but I don’t. Ive lost a huge part of me...

She did agree to go to 1 counseling session with me, though I fear it’s just to placate me and anyone who asks after the divorce if she really tried.

Sorry if it all doesn’t make sense, I was just tapping away to get it all out. I don’t know what to do...
written by natest, 30 March, 2012
Hello Distraught-001, I do understand what you’re going through; I have been in your shoes. I even wrote a little part of my story on this forum. I know when you receive such a punch of betrayal from the closest and most loved one you, you just get confused. I remember I lost 10kg within 2 months. i didn’t know what to do until i came across the site of this guy TW (T Dub) Jackson
i just followed all the instructions and advices and kept working on my self, then my wife came back running after me. Remember, you cannot convince anybody to love you. Just concentrate on yourself and watch the results. Man, if you love your wife and want her back, just visit this site and I hope it will work for you as it worked for me. Best wishes. Hope I have been of some help. BE STRONG!!!

written by Leave Her, 07 April, 2012
Dear Distraught:
Sorry to hear about what your wife did. Your wife has a drinking problem. She drinks because she is not happy with her life with you. Hasn’t been for years, it sounds. It’s not your fault. Women don’t think like we men do. They want Prince Charming to sit there and dote on them 24 hours a day. It’s all about them and how wonderful they are. You were once friends. But friends was not enough to cut it for her. She wanted what you couldn’t give her. What no man can ever give her. She wants a fairytale ending. What your problem is ... is that you cannot see yourself without her ... that was my problem ... What do I do at my age? Who is out there? Fortunately, there are just as many women screwed over by bad husbands as there are husbands screwed over by bad wives. Life just knocked you down, shattered your world, your beliefs, your fantasies of what you thought you had with her ... But you never had it ... she’s letting you know that now by all the mean things she’s saying ... she’s spilling all that venom she kept inside of her for years. Mister, pull yourself up by the boot straps and walk out on her never looking back. You are right, this other guy is not her answer -- will dump her as soon as she puts any demands on him -- but the only reason she’ll come back to you after that happens is for support of her lifestyle -- she’ll lie, she’ll say she loves you, that she always loved you and needs you and she was so wrong ... Don’t fall for it. Go out there and find somebody else to take her place. Once you do you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner. Your wife freed you from your commitment to her when she broke the vow. Now go out there and find somebody that deserves you.
written by Leave Her, 07 April, 2012
Dear Josh S., 07 March, 2012
I saw the "Love Dare Movie", tried the "Love Dare Book" ... you know what? I found out it is a fairytale. Nice theme ... doesn’t work in the real world. You see Josh, there is good and evil ... and you can’t make evil good no matter how much you woo it. The evil will take advantage of you. Trust me! You got women all wrong if you think the Love Dare is going to work in the situations described on this forum. I wish it were that simple. Fact is it didn’t work in my marriage -- but it did do wonders in winning my next wife. My advice -- if a woman cheated on you leave her -- use the Love Dare to woo the next woman (it’ll work!)

written by Distraught-001, 08 April, 2012
Well it’s me again. Thank you for your comments on my post. I went to see a psych. for myself. My wife agreed to go to counseling with me the week after. (we just had our appointment this past Tuesday. It was awkward, uncomfortable, but overall reasonably positive. she went out of town to see family for Easter and said she is staying overnight there with her family.......I called her and she said that she is driving back right now, but not coming home. Where are you going I said. "why are you going to make me say it"....yep, you guessed it, she going over to this guys house to spend the night. "I wanted to tell you so that you don’t worry about me and I wanted to be honest while I figure out what I want.".

Are you kidding me!! I do believe she doesn’t know what she wants, but like I can compete while she’s having fun ie sex with another guy! We haven’t had sex in 3 months! She never shaves...anything, not that that would stop me. But she DOES shave for this guy...everything. So basically he takes care of herself for him but won’t for me. She drinks less with him...I think that she could "figure things out, without having sex with him!!" I know if I was giving someone advise in my same situation, I would say "run for the hills", but it’s so hard. I wish I could. I wish I could forget her. She’s wasted years of my life. Oh, and I’m in remission right now. Forgot to mention that little part of my whole story. So who knows how long I have left of my life. Is there really someone out there that would date me knowing that I could be gone in a year?? I really shouldn’t want to hang on to my marriage just so I don’t die alone, I know, but it’s something I think about.

Again, I don’t want to sound like its all her, there are plenty of things that I could improve on in our marriage, but do you know how difficult it is to do that when you live with an alcoholic that doesn’t do anything around the house to contribute? AND cheats on you! I don’t hit her, put her down, abuse her. I don’t cheat and never have on her. Maybe thats the problem. I’m too much of a "good guy"? Are there any women that actually like "the good guy"? I’m in an abusive relationship, and I’m staying...I don’t know why this subject isn’t brought up on news programs or talk shows. Is this doing permanent psychological damage to me? This is an abusive relationship, isn’t it?

I know you’re only hearing one side of the story, but you can at least know I’m not abusive or neglectful. Am I the one that is being abused?
written by Leave Her, 15 April, 2012
Dear Distraught:
Your story sounds exactly like mine (except my x-wife was not an alcoholic -- she was supposed to be this wonderful Christian). Our life was so miserable together I was physically sick for most of our 12 year marriage (actually thought I was going to die by the time she left me for this other guy). At 50 years old I thought my options for finding someone else was virtually zero. But I went to this free online dating website called and found literally thousands of women my age looking for a man just like me. I picked one that I was interested in, we met, married, and I’ve been with her for over a year and she is perfectly wonderful in every way. Over the past year my health has improved dramatically. I’ve been happy every day. But I did learn a lesson from my last 3 wives. All of them were like my mother (who was abusive). And they say we look for and marry someone like Mom, right! Well, my abusive marriages were prolonged because abuse was the norm for me. Maybe that’s the case for you too. Maybe that is why you take it and can’t find a way out if it. But listen to me, you’ve got to escape. Your health aint gonna get any better waiting around in this abusive situation. Leaving her is going to depress you. It depressed me. But within a month I was dating my future wife and she sort of balanced things out for me and I’ve been happy ever since. If I were you, I would explore what it is that attracted you to your wife, and why you’ve tolerated what she has done to you for so long. Once you know, correct your paradigm of what the perfect woman really looks like. After three bad ones, I began thinking that all woman are the same and there are no good ones out there. But there is. Problem is -- I was a magnet for the bad ones because somehow in a subconscious sort of way I thought if I could fix a relationship with someone like my Mom that my relationship with Mom would be fixed. Guess that sounds messed up -- but the abuser (Mom)made me feel the abuse was all my fault and consequently the break in our relationship was my fault -- and being a man -- we’ve got to fix things. But there is no fix. I finally realized that. Mean people are just mean people. We can’t change them. They prey on people like us. But in answer to your question: Yes, you can find someone else. If you are careful, you can find someone that is not abusive. And the happiness you obtain from that relationship will improve your health and perhaps prolong your remission. I would not put your health concerns on the table while dating. But if your relationship gets to the point where it looks like marriage I would disclose your health information. However, if she loves you, it won’t make a difference. And if it does -- end the relationship and look for someone else.
written by Commom Sense, 17 April, 2012
Dear Distraught,

I agree with "Leave Her". I think your health problems has made you more dependent on your abusive wife than you should be. She’s probably putting up with you and hoping the cancer takes you so she can take your insurance and spend it on this other guy. Do you want to die like that?
I’m an M.D. and I can tell you first hand that emotional suffering can manifest itself as physical illness. My advice to you is to get out and your overall health may improve.
You should stop feeling responsible for your wife and whether or not she is making the right choices -- and make a choice for yourself.
I know you feel trapped. But you’ve got to stand up like a man and end this once and for all. Look at all the other post before yours. Every man feels the same way. "I know I should but I can’t leave her." That is co-dependent thinking. You should speak to your counselor about this and get it cured. You are in love with your abuser. She is just as evil and insidious as someone who would enjoy torturing you to death. Because that is what she’s doing. So get some backbone and leave this bitch.
written by Myth Buster, 01 May, 2012
The message I hear in the media is:

Men have to step up and be good husbands. Men have to step up and be good fathers. Men have to stop their irresponsible behavior and step up to the plate and shape their community and their church.

I hear it on Christian radio programs.

On Mothers day you hear the preacher on the radio honoring the mother for all the good work she has done (same mother’s and wives we’re talking about on this forum). Then on Fathers Day the same preacher is berating the father’s and blaming our nations woes on our lack of commitment to our children and home.

Just about every case I’ve read about here on this forum is about some good decent men being victimized by some pretty rotten women.

I grew up in a home where my mother got all four of her children to lie on our dad so she could win a divorce (she had him and everyone else convinced that he was the bad guy). And me, My x-wives had everyone convinced I was the bad guy.

We’re not the bad guys. It’s a myth. And sadly they convince us time and time again that we’re the bad guy’s.

I hear it from the pulpit at church, I hear it on Christian Radio, I see it on Christian movies like Fireproof: And their message is saying it is all our fault, if we would just step up and be men we could fix it. That’s all a myth!

I’ve even heard sermons on the radio telling us we’re supposed to worship our wives! Wow! Get that -- worship them! That was the original sin in the garden of eden. The reason Eve ate of the forbidden fruit was because she "wanted to be like God". That meant she wanted to be worshipped and run things. Well, women are running things. Their running our homes, their running our churches, their running our country, and they are running our businesses -- How is that working for us?

Are we at fault because they cheat on us, run our home into the ground, take our kids from us as we wait on them hand and foot and try everything within our means to keep the home together -- making impossible concessions just so they stay with us? We give them excuses for their behavior ... we allow them to abuse us ... and we still lose our homes, our kids, our life’s savings, and a good portion of our income in child support they spend on their new lovers.

And we still think we’re at fault and if only we could have done something else!

It’s a myth guys!
written by Morris ochieng, 15 June, 2012
Have you ever asked yourself if this women find the perfect partner they are craving 4.Most of them just end up moving from the frying pan into the fire.
My wife also left me the same old story romance is dead, Luckily I’ve found someone who understands me and am ready to move on.Pray guys and ask God to give you a good wife
written by Don M., 08 July, 2012
To Morris Ochieng:

You are so right! My x-wife left me for a guy she used to go out with before we married. She thought she was getting something better but it so happens he was on a downhill swing. He used to be rich but lost everything and now he repairs guitars for a living. He promised to marry her, buy her a new car, and all this other nonsense. It’s been a year since she moved in with him. He won’t marry her, didn’t buy her a car, blames her for his financial problems and they have to go to counseling to keep it together. They are fighting all the time. She’s totally dependent on him because she quit her job. So yes, she jumped into the fire (and she deserves it). I on the other hand have remarried and am very happy. I hope you happiness in your new relationship. Hope all goes well.
The way I see it, if my relationship starts heading downhill like it did with my last one -- I don’t think I’m going to try and wait it out and hope things get better like I did so many times before. I’ll only suffer so much before I lay down the ultimatum. And if things still get worse -- I’m outta there. Hopefully it’ll never go there though.
written by GM121, 12 July, 2012
Same story it seems. We would have been married 31yrs this August but it looks like the divorce will be final by then. This is the most devastating thing I’ve ever went through.It started out when I noticed my wife’s behavior suddenly changing and she was spending a lot of time in the bedroom with the door shut on the computer and txt messaging. Then the trips shopping with girlfriends that brought her home early the next morning drunk. Now this is a woman that hasn’t drank a cup of alcohol in the last 30yrs. By now I started smelling a rat so I started doing a little investigating. The things I learned I just could not believe. This is my wife of 30yrs, mother of our 3 children and the woman I loved with all my heart and soul and she was doing things that were totally against her beliefs and moral values and to top this off the last girls night out she went on she came back drunk again and had got herself a tramp stamp tattoo. I could not believe it. This was a very conservative woman that has said many times in the past to her daughters that those tattoos look bad on women and give a bad impression. I confronted her the week before Christmas and the lies started. Two of our children also confronted her about what she was doing and she made excuses and lied to them also. We were in shock and could not believe the person we knew, a great wife and mother was doing this things. She told me that we no longer had anything in common and she needed some time away so she moved out and less that a month later I was served with divorce papers. She moved in with a cousin and a short time later got kicked out then moved in with her brother. She stays a lot with the man she was having the affair with which is about 15yrs younger and been divorced twice with 3 young children and he’s also her coworker. She hasn’t talked to two of our children since she left and going by what her sister tells me she’s drinking heavily and running them crazy with her behavior. It’s just so hard to except and to see her. She’s a 50yr old woman that dresses like a 17yr old and looks like a tramp. I cant understand how a loving wife and mother can change into what she has become and what she has done to those who love her the most. I pray to God everyday to help her. It’s so so sad and I miss her so much I was expecting to spend the rest of my life with her. She’s the first thing on my mind every morning and I’m having a very hard time dealing with this, it has me totally consumed and I love her so much and cant believe this has happened to our family.
written by Common Sense, 13 July, 2012
Dear GM121:

Amazing. Simply amazing. We live with them so many years and yet we never really know them.

The important thing you need to do is to fill the void she left in your life. You’ve got to date again. She probably met her lover online ...

If you have no prospects, I suggest you try an online dating site. There are some free ones.

I’m sorry for your loss. But you really have to stop thinking of her. And the only way to make that happen is to find someone else. If you keep thinking about her and what caused her to go wrong -- you’re going to get depressed.

Think of it this way. All relationships have a termination date. This relationship is over -- time to move on.
written by DEVESTATED, 15 July, 2012
this Sept I will be married for ten years and just this week found out she is unfaithful and is seeing someone else.....and she says its not the first time.... I’m a very sexual person and the one thing i have always said was she is 98% what i want so i need to deal with the problems in the bedroom....she always complained of pain she had surgery for endomitriosus and that was it we’ve been together for more then 13 years and i was always worried about hurting her then i find she’s been giving it to other men I am absolutely devastated and don’t know what to do i love her so much but i want her to pay for breaking up our marriage and family but still don’t want to hurt her.......THIS IS ABSOLUTELY THE WORST WEEK OF MY LIFE smilies/sad.gif
written by Should I stay or should I go..., 18 July, 2012
It is almost surreal to read how similar the stories I read here are to mine yet tiny details is what make each story unique.
We have been married for almost 18 years. We were each others first and only partners and loved each other so very much. I could not be happier with her. Now, three years ago, she would just refuse sex for 11 months, choosing instead to sleep with kids. Now, I am not a sex maniac, but the issue per se worried me. I was certain that she did not cheat. There was just no sex and no will to talk about it what is really behind it. This made me quite depressed and angry and primed me for the biggest mistake of my life. On one of the overseas trips, a woman approached me and we started flirting. There was no physical contact whatsoever, not even a kiss, nevertheless we had exchanged cosy emails for about three weeks when my wife found out. Admittedly, this was devastating for her as she thought I was the only person who would never betray her. To say that I regret everything is not enough. I stopped doing that BS immediately. For the past two years, it seemed she forgave me and moved on. Turns out I was dead wrong. We did have sex; however, it felt like I was raping someone; just no emotion and yes, no kissing. I think that deep down she still thinks I had a physical relationship, but I guess there is nothing I can do to convince her otherwise. In any case we arrive to the present, which has really been going on for the past 7 months. She refuses sex again and explicitly told me there will be none any more. And her behavior has all the signs of a cheating spouse: she is constantly behind computer, closing windows where I am around, of course I do not know the password to the computer, locks it even when going to the bathroom. About a month ago, she bought herself a smartphone with internet connection. She sleeps with the phone in her hands under the pillow and never leaves it unattended even for a second when I am around. Most importantly, I found out that she posted a profile (no picture, though) on a dating website. She even began to blatantly lie. When I know for sure that she is on the site she says she is at the gym exercising. I also found that she signed up for msn chat. Of course, I am blocked from viewing her Facebook page, but friends who can view it showed me provocative pictures of herself and all pictures with me in them are gone.
Then there are other subtle signs, like "live me alone", "I want to go on vacation somewhere by myself "etc. Even taking care of kids has become burdensome for her, constantly telling them to start taking care of themselves because she "clicked" and she is done with taking care of everybody. Kids are not stupid, they noticed this but they love her very much and are not saying much. And this is more or less where I am right now. My biggest fear is the knowing how revengeful she was toward her parents that she is getting ready to punish me big time. At the end of the day, I still love her but I guess I realized that too late. There is no excuse for what I did, but the main question is "should I stay, hoping this will pass, till maybe sleeps with someone just to get even, then try to reconcile (which I would, still) or slowly getting ready for the exists and start coping with the new reality. Needless to say, I regret everything but it seems she just does not want to give me a second chance.
The thing is I am just not sure what she is up to. I do not see signs of a physical affair (but then, how would I know). She still deposits her paycheck to the joint account, does occasionally go out with me and kids to dinner and stuff, even if conversation is mostly me quietly listening, did not change her schedule. She does spend a lot of time in the local gym, but goes there with the kids. However, I cannot exclude an emotional affair on the internet. Another novelty is that she surrounded herself with a new circle of "friends" consisting mostly of divorced women who are showing off their much younger lovers and claim that divorce is the best thing ever happened to them. Complete turnaround from when we met. Back then, I had to give up a divorced friend, she would not have anything to do with divorced people (man or women) labeling them as weak and selfish.And, no, she does not want to go to counseling. It is up to me to solve my "teenager problems".
So, if anyone has seen this before I would appreciate any comment. I did not yet tell her about her dating site profile, although I feel like she knows that I know. Should I tell her that I know? Should I invest time and emotional energy trying to find out if there is more? I do not see much good in this, but she continues to call me cheater, pervert, liar etc...
The bottom line is that I do not want divorce. The idea of my girls having a random guy in the house terrifies me. I still love her and I think the marriage can be saved. But it seems, by reading some of the stories here that maybe wishful thinking.
written by Ouch!, 27 July, 2012
Married 17 years, 2 kids (8&12)
Wife started to act strange, hide her phone, placing a PIN on it, staying out...
Next I was "boring".
Then I was loved as a friend/brother.
Not doing things around the house.
Not interested in talking as it was her?
Now she has met someone else at work she loves them.
BUT never had sex with them....mmmm?
Now I have given her 7 days to decide what she wants, to go with him or not?
Find out Sunday what she has decided??

I will not discuss until her decision....why I hear you say?
– If I ask her to stay then I will have ruined her life and made her stay is my concern.
– If I ask her to go then I drove her away or threw her out.
Conclusion: Making her decide if she wants to go or not?????

When I get her answer I can then decide what I want to do and I am back in control of my life – I am not the one who cheated.

I hope this helps.

written by Leave Her, 05 August, 2012
Answer to Should I stay or should I go...

Listen guy, first thing you should do is get your money deposited into your own bank account ... and split up whatever is in the joint account fairly ... because she’s going to take it all.

Your marriage is over.

She was probably cheating on you the first time sex stopped. She is definitely cheating on you now although you haven’t caught it yet.

It is not your fault because you talked and emailed the other woman. She wasn’t fulfilling your needs "What could she expect"? If she loved you she would have competed for you. But she didn’t. That speaks louder than words.

Her saying "no more sex," translates "our marriage is over" And there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot save this marriage. But you can get custody of your kids if they are living with you and going to school in your school district at the time of the divorce.

All this happened to me twice. Just like all the other guys on this forum I tried to stick it out and hope for the best. I just ended up the fool. And so will you.

This will be the hardest decision of your life. But leave her. Make this on your terms -- not hers. Don’t let her do this to you.

Your her husband. You have a right to expect sexual relations, you even have a right to know what she’s doing on the internet and her cell phone. I mean, do you restrict her from viewing your cell phone, or your computer transactions? She has a right, doesn’t she? So do you. And if she’s locking you out -- there is a reason.

You might not want to believe it now. You’re going to be shocked when you find out how much and how long she’s been cheating on you. She’s getting ready for her Exodus.

So get out first. File the papers now. Decide whether she’s leaving the house or your leaving. Take the girls with you. And finalize this thing. Then you should get your own profile on a dating site and find somebody worth while.
written by I agree with the above, 14 September, 2012
I agree with ‘Leave her in response to should i stay or should i go’.
written by Jonah13lyb, 26 September, 2012
Whether you’re religious or not, just try to take the right lesson from the movie. Marriages need a lot of effort, sometimes it gets hard but everyone can do it.
written by Josh15, 27 September, 2012
I was just given the devastating news last night......
"I don’t love you anymore and I don’t want to be here anymore"

I have been sitting at work today going over it in my head; I don’t know what to do. I have been through one divorce already and am not ready to go through another. I told here that I will try to fix thing and she responded "I can’t promise you anything"......can someone help me dissect this phrase more in depth?

"I can’t promise you anything"

Should I continue to try or should I take my loss and file for divorce?
written by MCN, 27 September, 2012
Hi Josh15Oh, she is your wife and she can’t promise you anything? She isn’t happy and she wants to put forth no effort in making it work. She wants you to make the magic happen. I’ve always said this: that sometimes "marriage" is like a long table and needs to move forward to another room. The other room is until death do you part. One cannot do it alone. You carry your end and she should carry her end. If she drops it, you cannot carry the marriage alone. Marriage takes two people. I need more descriptive information before I can say whether or not it’s too late for you. You can read my above post as well on this. I too have hear the old, "I can’t promise you anything". Once you realize that it is over, she will try to use your love for her for advantages in separation. Once a split comes, it is war. never speak to her again, and split the money and other community property and be gone to where the grass is greener, a place where a man can get some respect.The longer you stay in this kind of a marriage, the more of a victim you will be.
written by Fireproof -- Really?, 12 October, 2012
I’ve read a couple post on here about some guys recommending the movie Fireproof. While there is nothing wrong with watching it -- it is like most movies -- a fairytale. I’m a Christian, but this movie didn’t solve my marital problems (even though I tried the "Love Dare techniques"). I lost my wife through my best efforts. Neither will this movie solve the problems of most of the men on this site. The movie presupposes it is the mans fault for failing to court his wife ... and after initiating a 40 day courting regimen the man’s marriage is miraculously healed and everyone lives happily ever after. I really wish something like this would work -- but I tried it and it didn’t. Once your marriage reaches the point where she doesnt love you any more and she’s seeing someone else -- it is over no matter what you do. My opinion is people that recommend watching Fireproof and taking the "Love Dare" never had a real marital problem and are totally naive about what the men on this site are really going through.
written by Chris T., 15 October, 2012
My wife had countless affairs during the first 11 years of marriage having ample access through her restaurant work. Before we married she had an affair while we were living together, so I shouldn’t have been too surprised. However that said, here is the truth of things as I see it. We are constrained into a model of relationship that is first and foremost about possession. I posses you so there for you may not do any of these activities that I disapprove of and which marriage and law sanction as violations. So next we might need to look at what love is. My wife was having sex with other people before I met her, so what makes anyone think given the right circumstance and without direct exposure, that she would not continue such practice. Ideally, yes, affairs, trysts, or just sex purely for gratification, ego, because she could (one reason she gave me when asked what she told her co workers and friends who asked why she was doing it). Can marriage go on successfully after such a threat to the foundation? Yes, most definitely. Seeing that love might be more than sex, might be greater than money, security, house and possessions, larger than raising children, and more important than any of us realize, if you love a person who has repeatedly violated trust and fidelity, also exposing spouse to unprotected encounters, some which fostered pregnancies which were levied as my doing during periods where no intimacy was going on between us. Love is mans fate, ultimately we each decide if a relationship can survive sexual infidelity, which must include lying, probably character assassination to offset curious onlookers and friends by levying a blame scenario on spouse and on down the list. eventually the 7 deadly sins line up one after another. I had sex with my wife to be on our first date, a extremely rare thing for me and to be sure when such did happen the relationship did not develop into more. can say after 30 years, have learned more about life, about women and what they really are like in a setting of other women (perhaps a fair statement – women run circles around men when it comes to being divisive, colluding with each other and promoting a single lifestyle within a marriage for one of their sisters.
written by Chris T., 15 October, 2012
Is this a good thing to know, damn straight? It makes the bitter pill go down no easier, but understanding things as they are instead of how I framed it, is vital to a level of wisdom, that allows for people being who they are. In my wife’s case I suspect she is polyamorous in terms of males, and each relationship she had concurrent with my marriage fulfilled a different role or need. I am in no way justifying it. In the 20’s of our marriage I learned some things about her, ad about women through an affiliation I ad with a religious science church where I ran a local youth program and also spiritual retreats for youth 10-12 and 13-18. It should be no surprise but close to 70% of women have had some for of abuse by the time they reach the age of 8-10 ears of age. They don’t talk about it openly, but yet there it is in the background, an unqualified eergy driving actions that they are not even aware of. I found at the age of 6 my wife in order to get things she was forbidden to take out of the house, would put them in her panties, feeling no one would suspect (which was the case). In the aftermath of those 11 years when I actively and patiently confronted behaviors (much in the same way I suppose women have over the last 5-6 thousand years)which I felt were indications of affairs, I obtained some rather queer realizations from comments from her parents, things they had said either before or after the thing became concretely visible as she just opened up, and let it all out. Horrible as it was in details, I was strangely relieved, at peace with the confession and the larger than life details (that my wife was like a wild animal without restraint well into her thirties). Here we had to darling daughters, 7 and 9, one put in the cross hairs by the potential of being sired by her long term affair with a co worker. My immediate response was to let that daughter know that some time down the road if information surfaced that might indicate a person other than me might be a biological father, to assuage any concerns that I was her father that God, the Universe if you like entrusted her care to me and there would be no other earthly father than me. In her adult life she has remained stead fast, that this is how she sees it I am er father, and I am in agreement, end of story. My wife wet through about a ten year period where all the pressures she applied to me, my career, work life and so on, abated and we became a successful family. Ah but the old weeds had roots, and until you get down to them, attitudes, behaviors, will eventually surface, maybe not manifesting as affairs, but the root of affairs is something much smaller, an attitude (because I can) something a small child might say. So while diligence, and an strong anchor in values, which include being my impeccable word, even if my partner isn’t always able to. Not taking things personally, while all the while it is a very personal sort of indictment of self judgement that comes forward and probably has less to do with me personally than I might think, That I will try not to make assumptions, as I might not have all or enough information in my hands to render things clearly as there is no me good yu bad in this, unless you want it to be which spells the end of anything when you add judgement to the relationship which is a sand trap to dissolution, and finally to do my best, again without the expectation that might partner will actively commit to the same. Does it work, well tat is all it is, work, but leadership comes from following, a situation, and upheaval, a healing, to its end, and beginning, as second and third harvests of attitudes, will trigger one and trust extended, is cheap when ego takes the reigns, no one want to look foolish over and over and over again. You might find self love replaces love of possession of another, that strong values, lead to value as everyone benefits from that, unlearning what our culture has taught us, a chain of all sorts of malfeasance, some which can be broken by the simple act of compassion, registered against new agreements, and ones that involve the issues so present, be it sexual infidelity, child rearing differences, monetary or career issue which are the prime causes for divorce in years 7 -10. For my I am with my wife forever, we haven’t killed each other (yet) but our agreements I will reserve as everyone has different awareness, needs, and ability to know who they really are, which is divine.

Best of success to all those struggling out there with these issues, my relief came when said to od, Universe, I don’t know what to do nor do I apparently have the necessary skills to tackle this. That was wen things changed, as if by magical forces. Be bold, and genius will find you lift things in uncommon ways and never forget, what you were given or learned, because it applies to us all . Chris T. San Diego
written by Leave Her, 16 October, 2012
I, (Bride/Groom), take (you/thee) (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; and I promise to be faithful to you until death parts us.

Since ancient times men and woman of all cultures separated themselves and committed themselves to each other by a verbal and/or written contract promising themselves only to each other until death do they part.

Breaking that contract is a severe violation and in many cultures was punishable by death.

Marriage is not only love for another person, but a contract to build a life, a family, and a heritage with that person.

When someone breaks the contract, they break the expectations, the dreams, and the investments the other person put into them.

We all try to cope with the breach of contract in varying ways. Most of us want to restore what we had because we invested way too much to lose it. We’ve invested in a house, children, a career, and woman. So if she can only admit it was a mistake we maybe can start all over and the wound will heal.

In very few cases this is possible.

In most cases, she is not sorry and blatantly continues her affair no matter what she promises.

I also think most men wonder what they did that caused her to cheat on him. Many of us make excuses for her.

But we are men. We do know right from wrong. And most of us cannot live with the injustice and betrayal. Eventually the marriage ends.

Is it right to break a contract? Marriage is one of the most serious contracts we enter into. Yet it is the easiest to break without the person breaking it paying any penalty for their crime against their partner.

If someone cannot live under the terms of a marriage agreement then they should not enter into that agreement.

They can come to another agreement. Couples can live together with no agreement at all these days. If someone has doubts as to whether they can keep the marital contract they should opt for this arrangement. There are less expectations, less duties expected, less of an investment made and much less hurt because of betrayal.

But marriage is serious and should be treated as serious.

I, (Bride/Groom), take (you/thee) (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; and I promise to be faithful to you until death parts us.

Marriage is marriage ... the vows we made set forth right from wrong they day we agreed to our vows. There is no excuse for adultery. Sooner or later when adultery happens most of us seek justice by taking from her the expectations she had in us ... We leave her! And it is fair and just.
written by Do better!, 18 October, 2012
Really! In response to stay or go?!

Get rid, if she or he can’t be true to you, then they have no respect, are selfish and you are better off without them, there really is no excuse. Be thankful for the good times and go and find some more with someone in life who is truly worthy of you. Cheats never change and begging, trying to make it work ends up with you validating that they can simply walk all over you and you can guarantee that they will continue to do again. Go find yourself a better half and get rid of the cheating half! And if all else fails... get a dog!
written by Rick J., 30 October, 2012
I have known my wife for 6 years. We have been together for 3 and married for 2. She cheated on my within 2 months of our living together with her ex to ‘see if it was really over’. I was stupid enough to marry her anyway because I figured it was just something she really believed. What a joke. I am 50 now and she is 52. She is very stunning for her age and men flock to her. She has broken it off with me at least 6 times over the 3 years and almost immediately out at the bars giving out her cell number. We even separated for a week once for me to find a voice mail on her phone asking her if she was still going to meet him for drinks. Since she has moved out a month ago I have been online trying to figure things out. I discovered that my wife has Borderline Personality Disorder. Look it up. It’s amazingly clear. These people are not capable of truly loving anyone, not even themselves. We went to counseling for a while and the counselor told her she might be ‘Borderline". At the time I thought the counselor meant borderline bi-polar. What she meant was BPD. I have read all the posts here.. Guy look up BPD.. these people are narcissistic, self absorb, don’t really have the ability to love others. Let me give you and example: When my wife would say mean things I would tell her she needed to apologize. I was met with, "I’ve already forgiven myself." Talk about a BPD.
written by confused_man, 06 November, 2012
Hey Guys,

Wow lot of sad story here. I’m in a similar situation except that I was the one who cheated mentally (not physically). I was trying to hit up on her niece and she found out (no physical involved, I was just chatting with her niece). She got really upset at first, but then accepted and kinda forgive me. I tried very hard to please her and make up for my stupid mistake. However lately she changed (doesn’t seems like she is cheating though) her attitude. she becomes very rude and verbally put me down throughout the day such as you looks old, you look out of shape (i’m average body shape with no belly or anything), expecting me to do all the house chores, cook for her, basically do everything to please her, and she constantly arguing with me on everything little thing even though they don’t make sense. just last week she told me that she no longer love me and maybe I should just move out. I can come visit the kids and she won’t have problem with that. lately she have been ignoring me, saying she doesn’t care about me anymore, etc....

so guys, what does she really mean in this case? Should I just leave her alone and move on with life. It feels as if she doesn’t want the married to work anymore.
written by Answer to Confused man, 09 November, 2012
If you move out without a separation agreement when she files for divorce she can hit you with alimony for abandonment. So if you move out see a lawyer about a separation agreement. If you leave the kids you have a zero chance of getting custody. But if you take the kids you have a huge chance of getting custody. You did wrong by hitting on her niece. I suggest you talk to her about marriage counseling and decide from there. A marriage counselors job is not just to save the marriage -- but to help you end the marriage if it cannot work out. So if the counselor senses that your wife will not work things out with you -- she’ll probably suggest you end it. But when a woman says she doesn’t love you anymore -- she doesn’t.
written by In Limbo Man 7yrs and counting, 10 November, 2012
I feel all the pain of all you guys. It sucks big time for me too. My wife started giving me the cold shoulder about six years ago. The only reason we are together now is to make my loving daughters life somewhat normal for her. I also thought that convincing my wife to stay with me, would allow us to work on the marriage, but that has not happened. She refuses to work on anything. I just ask her today to attend the “Love Worth Fitting For” seminar with Kurt Cameron. She refused to go. I am a good man – don’t drink, cheat, no verbal or physical abuse, and I have a good solid job. She said I slammed the door on her and quit being physical with her. She refuses counseling and the situation sucks big time. I don’t like the uncertainty of my future and finances – possibly loosing a house that I worked so hard for and worked to improve. I helped her through schooling and I have been the primary financial support. She cannot live on her own. Right now she is like a house mate that lives in another bedroom. I miss having a loving wife and sharing quality time together. I want someone to share my life with and love me. The wife said she is leaving me when my daughter graduates, 4 yours to go. So I get see my loving daughter walk across the stage get her diploma and what my wife walk away. That will will be a heart breaker and I am not ready for that day. In the meantime my life sucks.
written by TreadedOn, 11 November, 2012
Wife of 9 years wants to move to new york city to pursue acting! No kids here yet (Thank God) . I am settled in my job here in Alabama and love my life but she seems determined to chase her dream of being a working actor – which is not the life i want. Hurts deeply to know that we have come to realize that we are determined to go our own ways. Confused and dong feel like there’s much hope.
written by MCN, 16 November, 2012
yes confused_man. From what you’re saying, your marriage is over. There’s not much you can do about it except get your eggs in order. Do whatever you have to do. Split any saving you have and put them in another account, or take half of it in cash and hide it away somewhere, even a safety deposit box. Move away, and get an apartment, and live like that till the divorce is completely done, then go buy a house.You may need to get a lawyer, just to protect you from her getting everything she asks for. Don’t try to get he children, you will not have a chance if she is not an unfit mother. Save all that money. i wish many years ago, I could have met so many men that have been down the path and knew what I know today about all of this. It’s not a mtter of who’s right or who’s wrong. It’s a matter of who had a vagina, and that who wins the children. Don’t try to be nice and feel for her and give her more than what she is entitled to. She will surly not care about you one way or the other. There comes a time when the husband needs to think only of himself, but you will get visitation with your children, plus pay child support. But you won’t stand a chance of getting them. Even your own attorney knows you don’t have a chance, but he or she won’t tell you that, they want your money. Take care of yourself. Your children will be brainwashed by your wife once the separation begins. Your daughter will not care at all who did what to who in a few years. I know.
written by frenzy, 25 November, 2012
I was married 20 years, have 3 children (all grown now) and my ex-wife told me four years ago, "You are a great father and wonderful husband but I am leaving you." Obviously this was a decision she had thought about for a long time and although I was the epitome of the faithful and true husband she felt compelled to move on. I am a romantic and the flowers and love letters never stopped in all those 20 years of marriage. I was forever in love and would move mountains and even the stars in the heavens for this beautiful soul. But it was not to be and I loved her enough to let her "go" without verbal attacks. We’re 8 years apart and one of the things she mentioned is that she missed out on life and wanted to date younger men. As human beings we all can get caught up in power plays but love should never be about having "power" or ownership over another human. Love is not a possession and should never be used as a tool. It’s been 4 years since my divorce and I just started dating again. I have been celibate since my divorce and I am dreaming of the day I can find love once again. Until then I live and enjoy life. Only advice I have to offer is this: if you really love the one who is leaving you then let him or her go and wish them the very best in life. I wish this for my ex-wife.
written by Norb, 27 November, 2012
Yeah, I was going through the same thing for 2 1/2 years I just kicked and her kid out! I had enough of the cold blooded b.s !I
written by The woman that fell out of love, 23 January, 2013
Yep, fell out of love while he sat on the couch. What happened to the man that initiated things? Where did he go. As he sat on the couch he morphed into a lazy, insecure, bratty, pouty child that spent hours fantasizing about other women. When we were out he was too busy looking for other woman do engage in flirting with me. But the good news is, we are divorced now, he can go sit on his own couch, clean his own house, and fantasize as much as he wants. As for me, I’m still involved in all the wonderful adventure I have always enjoyed and enjoy dating. I always pay my half and initiate 1/2 of the fun, I give the boot to the boy that shows up with no plan other than sex on his mind. Life is pretty boring when a man is more focused on sex then just about anything else. The irony of my divorce is is that he initiated, when I became distant, lazy towards him and our relationship it was too much for him, yet I had lived it for 20 years. So the moral of all these stories is pretty simple – if you don’t invest and show up, it will die. Many people think they are investing with flowers, flowers are good but it takes intimacy between two people – that is a connection and if you don’t know how to do it or don’t want to do it, no amount of flowers, floor sweeping etc. will make it happen. When a couple first starts dating they can’t stop sharing, they want to know what the other feels and cares about, what makes them tick, that builds intimacy. By the time the relationship/marriage is over – no one is talking and usually hasn’t for some time smilies/smiley.gif You know why dating is so fun .... because it has intimacy due to people making an effort, they want to share everything, they want to go places together, they want to share french fries. The only thing that is getting intimacy in a LTR is the couch as people fart into it as they attempt to avoid their mate.
written by AstridK, 24 February, 2013
I am a woman who is in a relationship with a guy I’ve been with for 11 years. Lately, I am seriously considering breaking up with him and am very interested in someone else. I don’t know you guys who are making comments about how you still love your wife and she wants out but maybe there are reasons you have ignored for far too long. My boyfriend sleeps all day. He sleeps till 3 or 3:30. He’s always done this since I started dating him. I thought over time that he would stop and want to spend more time with me but here it is 11 years later and he still won’t get out of bed. I feel he is wasting his life and mine and wasting any time we could be spending together. Last Thanksgiving, I asked him to come over. He didn’t show up and when I tried talking to him about it, he was angry that I expected him to get up early (one freakin’ day out of the year) and come over. He never touches me. He never comes over to be and gives me a hug or kiss. Any physical affection has to be initiated by me which makes me feel like I’m trying in this relationship all by myself. He works sporadically. I work almost every day cleaning houses which is very physically demanding but if he’s at my house on a day I worked, he expects me to get up and wait on him for things. He can’t even recognize exhaustion in me and respond accordingly. If he’s sick, I want to take care of him. Buy him medicine and make him soup. If I’m sick, he heads for the hills and won’t come back over until he’s sure I’m over it. If I try to put my hand around him in the middle of the night, he pushes it way and says I’m hurting his stomach. He has OCD which I think is part of the problem with physical affection. He turns his head away a little when I go to kiss him so that I’m only kissing the corner of his mouth. I understand his issues with the OCD but feel he needs to try harder to overcome some of them but he never will. We haven’t cuddled in years. He never makes a move to do so. He very much expresses affection in buying gifts. It’s very thoughtful but I want affection and understanding more than stuff. I’d rather go completely without the gifts and just feel like I’m with someone who understands me. I feel like when I try talking to him about these things he either doesn’t understand or is just not hearing me. I’m fed up. I haven’t told him my feelings about this other man and I know that he knows something is wrong. I think he suspects I have feelings for this guy as they know each other and I haven’t hidden the time I’ve spent with this guy to my boyfriend. I know he wouldn’t want me to leave and still loves me but I’m tired of this. This other man is completely different. He pays attention to me, asks me what I think of different things, is encouraging and although there is nothing physical happening, I know (known him for 17 years) that he has no problem with physical affection. When he’s at my house and it’s a day I worked, he’ll say "Don’t get up, you’re tired, I’ll do it" without me having to explain anything to him. I haven’t tried to start a physical relationship with him because I want something real, something out in the open. I don’t want to sneak around and do anything behind anyone’s back and I still don’t want to hurt my boyfriend. If you are a guy and your wife or girlfriend is talking of ending it, think of all the times she tried talking to you about things in the relationship that she was concerned with and you just ignored and continued to do whatever might have been causing the problem. Guys often step up and want to fix things and work on it only when it gets to the point of she’s gonna leave. Then they become more attentive and want to fix things. The problem with that is that your wife or girlfriend doesn’t trust or believe that any changes you want to make are real anymore. She figures, he’s gonna become more attentive and romantic until the threat is over and then revert back to the way things were. That’s why she is insisting it’s over. She doesn’t believe you anymore and may have found someone who is doing all the things she’s wanted you to do for years but she doesn’t have to work to elicit it from the new guy like she does with you.
written by Hk, 03 March, 2013
ASTRIDK!! Are you nuts? This guy is clearly useless and is a manipulator. 11 years??? You’ve wasted enough time on this man, don’t waste another minute. We all have a right to be happy.
My situation is a bad one because I have a child. He is the only reason why I’m still with her. I’m not perfect, but I’m not the bad person she wants me to think I am. I pay for everything, we go on a lot of vacations. She always holds her family above me and every decision she makes, she make without talking to me about it. She doe not feel as if she needs to talk to me about any decision she makes. She clearly said that if she had to work more, she would have left long ago. She knows how much I love my kid and expressed how much it it would destroy me to not live under the same roof as him. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s used against me. I’m fed up, I’ve done everything and no longer want to be treated like i’m her dog. Actually she would treat a dog better than me.
written by Leo, 04 March, 2013
Married 2 together 3. My heart goes out to everyone who wrote here. She said she thought the marriage would be a fairy tale. She went back home to her country for a month and when she came back she left me. I found out she met someone and slept with him. He gave her attention, cooked for her, danced with her. I wasn’t always perfect. I was the only one working so I was tired and sick a lot. Didn’t feel like going out all that much. But I did my best to take care of her every need. Anyway I forgave her and we spent the last two weeks together every minute of the day. She says she loves me, she is here for me and that she is sorry. But when I ask her questions about the affair she gets annoyed and defensive. I asked her if there was any hope for us. She said that she didn’t know. Yesterday I dropped her home (she had moved out), I kissed her goodbye and I changed my number. It is so hard. Please let me stay strong. I love her but every moment I spend with her kills me inside.
written by CK, 12 March, 2013
Same story here. I met my wife when we were still in school and we practically dropped out and took care of each other. It created a pretty big bond between us. We stayed together but have not been very happy for a few years. She has abused be almost every day emotionally/physically and it hurt me much more then i thought. Intimacy has been out of the picture for quite sometime. Foolishly i would just let her blame me for all our problems and tell her i would try next time. I would try for a bit but then fall right back into the same ways as nothing really changed with the abuse. Everyday i would hear about something either about my appearance, attitude, work, life, etc and it would be an attack straight at my character (You have disgusting buck teeth is one of many many examples) and then she would kiss me 30 minutes later. I always had this fight I never truly knew how she felt about me. I effected me much more then I let on to her and everyone. (An old high school friend came back from the Army with his new family, baby girl, long run they ended up together.) I found this out right when it started and every time I tried to confront her she would just play me and lie. His wife also started to figure it out. One night i finally was with my wife and said things didn’t match up.) She admitted to making out with him and flirting with him and almost cheating on me. (She even said 2 weeks prior to this she had tried to let me know) well time went on and we started going farther apart – she asked for a separation to try to work on us and see if we can love each other again. I started really really trying and seeing what I could do letting her blame everything on me, etc. After about a month of hotel, me suggesting everything, I started to realize that she got distant again. She started seeing that guy again I found out this time and was strong. I found out she had been cheating on me with him even after i caught them way a long time ago that they didn’t just make out. (She befriended the wife and even tried to tell her that she was being crazy about being paranoid, etc). I was prepared to still work it out with my wife have her move out for a few months and then move back in... I still love her and our Son so much and just don’t want our Son to live without his mom/dad together. I was thinking though and remembered her fighting with me when i found everything out how she told me she was about to do it... the time line didn’t fit.. even after finding it all out she lies to me.. She had already started cheated by that point. (Oh yeah and she said if I told anyone that she cheated on me that she would make it hard on me). Right now I am still living with her as she has no job/anything as i have been taking care of her and our son. So I have not told anyone yet. She also thinks we will be moving together in a few months. I have just been thinking about the entire situation and truly I do love my Son... But the wife I love is in there but its so far there that I feel like I just need to be strong for my Son, me. I am only 23 now and i should be making 50k+ her in the next few years. I have started a career as a network engineer and can and will continue to take care of my family. Over the last few weeks in all honestly I have been gaining a lot of confident and I am not too worried about much. My son is fricken beautiful and I certain I will hit the ground running again. Any advice would be awesome.
written by Jerry G, 21 March, 2013
What I just read about all the wives that are cheating on their husbands and the husbands wanting to resolve the marriage, begging the wife to stay with them etc., but none of the husbands did anything about the other guy who is wooing their wives. Why don’t they destroy the other guy who had the affair with their wife? I would cut their balls off.

written by BrianLost, 21 March, 2013
Been married for 10 years and just now see really kicked me out. She said see doesn’t want to live with me for another 10 years.. Yes I have done a lot of wrong things, been jobless most of the time. I wasn’t able to give her the life see wanted. I have grown fat. She looks stunning. Her family is supporting her right now cuz they are millionaires. They have all the reason to kick me out. But I love her and still trying my best to support family. I begged her to work things out but she said its final. She wants me to never call her or visit her again. I really wanna die right now. Nothing left for me to live on to. Sorry guys am pretty weak.
written by bbsmom, 25 March, 2013
My husband and I married nearly 20 years ago. I was 18 and he was 23. Our marriage was never Rock Solid, but very few are. You have to work hard to make it work. After 12 years, we decided to start a family. When our daughter was born he worked nights and kept her during the day for the first 10 months. Then we started taking her to a sitter, but he lost his job about a year and a half later. So . . . we mutually decided that he would be a stay-at-home dad for a time as I had a really good job. He did that for more than a year and then worked part time for about another year. We had our son during that time, so he cared for him as well. Then, I lost my job. That’s when things got tough. I found another job right away, but I took a huge pay cut and hated the position, company and commute! I began to get bitter with him for being home all of this time with the kids. I had always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but financially had never been able to do so. About 4 months later, he finally found a decent job, so I decided that I would quit my new, terrible job now and stay home for a while and let him be the bread winner. However, 2 days before my notice was up, he up and quit his new job. He had valid reasons for quitting . . . I will give him that. However, knowing that we would have NO income to support our family, I was devastated that he would just up and quit before finding another job! I left for a week with the kids, just to get some perspective. I did come back, he found another job and I was able to stay home for a little over a year. However, I lost a lot of respect for him over this whole thing. I never felt like he wanted me to be at home and he was constantly nagging me about going back to work. We did struggle a bit financially, but I felt like it was worth it to spend time with our kids. He did not. We would talk about it occasionally but he never understood why I didn’t just stand by his decision to quit that job. I am now back to work as of 5 months ago. My daughter is in school now and my son goes to a sitter for 10 hours a day. I see them for about an hour each morning (but we are rushing around getting everyone ready to leave) and for 2 hours each evening before they have to go to bed. In that 2 hours, I make them dinner, get their things ready for the next day, and bathe them so it’s not really quality time. My husband’s shift starts at 4:00 AM so he misses all of the morning crap. It is hectic and stressful and I hate it! I long for the days when I could just do the laundry, clean the house, cook, and enjoy time with my son. They are little for such a short time. Anyway, all of this bitterness has just festered over time and now I am just ready to call it quits. I absolutely cannot stand it when he touches me. I think negative thoughts about him constantly. I have tried talking to him several times but I always say that "I will keep trying", mainly because I do not want to rip my kids lives apart. However, I am just about to the end of my rope because my feelings just haven’t changed. He is devastated and does not want to split, and that makes it harder for me to tell him how I really feel because I don’t want to "hurt him". I just want out. smilies/cry.gif
written by PrashAlex, 11 April, 2013
Dear Ck, really heart felt story and I admire how strong you are trying to be for your son and yourself.. I’m in a similar situation myself (sans baby) and as of now I’m not sure, but things are amiss (timelines etc)... I love my wife very much and hope that she might come to her senses.. All I can say right now – since I myself cannot see the end – is that its a long difficult journey .. and the end may not be as one imagines.. Truthfully I like to believe that life will become better, but it depends from person to person and circumstances.. what I do know is ‘hope’ – hope for a better tomorrow for you, your son and also for your wife .. hope that your life will be what you imagine it to be.. it has helped me during difficult times. Also i will post here again to let u know how i have been dealing .. take care..

PS: thank you all for your compassionate and empathetic posts, its helped me even if for a short period.
written by halfbroken, 23 April, 2013
I’m going through about half of what all y’all are. My wife told me "I don’t love you anymore." I told her I didn’t believe her. She hasn’t cheated on me. She just felt that I neglected her for the 10 years we’ve been married and felt as though she could no longer allow her heart to be hurt anymore. In truth, we’ve both been unfulfilled.

I spent a lot of time thinking about where we went wrong and figured out why we just don’t seem to understand each other. Honestly, check out the book 5 Love Languages and if you’re like me the lights will suddenly come on. I figured out that to me, being told I’m loved is what matters whereas for her it’s being shown by my doing nice things for her and giving her quality time. I just didn’t know that all the times she invited me to watch TV with her wasn’t because she was wanting me to watch a bad tv show. I didn’t know that something as simple as cleaning the house for her has the same effect of her telling me that I’m loved.

The thing that a lot of people forget is that love is a choice. I went to my wife and asked her to make the choice to love me again or at least to open her heart to being vulnerable. She said no but I think it at least gave me the crack I needed.

And so I’ve been doing small acts of service and spending quality time with her and slowly.. it’s working. I think there’s cracks in the shell. Talk about separation and moving out has turned into talks about vacation together with the kids. We started taking a course on marriage communication to help us communicate positively so that we don’t have to make one another feel bad/yell in order to communicate.

She still wont sleep in the same bed as me and says it may be a while till she feels close enough for that. Do any of you have thoughts on why that cuts so deeply? Every night when she leaves our bed to go to the guest room it feels like my heart breaks anew. I keep telling myself that’s not forever but it sure feels close to it.

For those of you that aren’t ready to give up, check out that book. It probably saved my marriage.

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