My wife and I are struggling with trust issues in our relationship
I was keeping financial troubles from my wife for the past year. The money spent was spent by us together, but she didn’t know how bad it had become. She found out one day, and I opened up to her about our situation. She was hurt. Two days later she went out with a couple friends.
She can drink too much so I was concerned. After dinner with the friends where she did say she drank too much, she walked across the street to a bar alone. She sat at the bar drinking more and talked to a man for a couple hours. At some point he kissed her. They left the bar and she got in his car. They went to his hotel. This is when I discovered where she was (location services on our phones). I assumed she drove her friends back to the hotel. She stopped answering my texts a few hours before. She didn’t answer my calls or my pinging of her phone. I became worried and drove there. As I was driving I discovered she was going back to the bar, so I rerouted and pulled in behind her arriving in a car with a strange man.
After taking her home she told me the following: She left the dinner with friends and went to the bar. She was drunk and very stupid, but she wanted another drink. She met a man and they talked. She admitted to him her being upset with my keeping money issues from her. She was concerned about trusting me. As they drank and talked more he kissed her. She indicates it was not a passionate kiss and she pulled away. When he suggested they leave, she went. She said she did not know where they were going. And they were only in the hotel lobby talking. They were only there 25 minutes. (I can confirm the 25 minutes). She then asked to be taken back to her car where I when and where I found them.
Her side of the story is she knows she made a drunken mistake. That nothing sexual happened and that was not her intent. She was not thinking clearly at all but liked talking to him. She left the bar thinking they were just going to continue to talk and she didn’t realize he was taking her to his hotel. She is sorry and can’t believe she did it and knows she has a drinking problem.
I can’t get over the fact that my wife got drunk with another man at a bar for hours. My wife kissed another man. After kissing him she agreed to leave in his car with him. She got in his car and went to his hotel. I believe the only reason she was there for only 25 minutes was because I was calling, texting, and pinging her phone during that time. What would have happened if I was asleep and not trying to find her? Would she have gone to his room and had sex? We are both devastated, and I cannot get over this.
Am I a fool for believing or trusting her even though I betrayed her trust first by hiding our financial problems? Did infidelity occur? How could she kiss a man and go to his hotel and think nothing sexual ever crossed her mind?
Response:
Sorry to hear about your situation. First, you have every right to be concerned. Your wife kissed another man and went to his hotel with him. Most people would probably assume that something sexual occurred. While part of you probably wants to believe that nothing happened between your wife and the other man, part of you doubts that account of what happened.
Unfortunately, it can be very difficult to know exactly what did or did not occur. Your wife might be telling the truth, or she might be lying about what happened. In such situations it can be extremely difficult to discover what really happened because partners often lie (see lying comes easy) and most people want to trust that their partners are telling the truth (see difficulty of catching a cheating spouse).
While it’s natural to focus your attention on what you don’t know—whether your wife cheated or not—it may be more helpful to focus on what you do know. You know that you violated your wife’s trust by hiding financial problems from her. You know that she has a drinking problem. You know that there are serious trust issues in your relationship.
If you can work to resolve the known problems in your relationship, it can help restore intimacy and trust and lead to more honest discussions about what happened on the evening in question.
Start by talking to your wife about how and why you betrayed her trust. You know she’s upset. Acknowledge her feelings and take ownership of your mistakes. Tell your wife that what you did was wrong and apologize for concealing financial problems from her (see how to rebuild trust).
Also, talk to her about her drinking. Approach the topic with the goal of trying to understand why she drinks so much. Avoid trying to judge or evaluate her behavior—tell her that you just want to understand why she feels the need to drink as much as she does. Listen to what she has to say. Try to see the situation from her point of view.
If you and your wife can start having genuine conversations about the problems you know exist, it can help create feelings of closeness and trust, which can eventually help you discuss the concerns you have about the night in question.
In short, you and your wife probably need to develop the communication skills necessary to talk about the smaller problems in your relationship before you try to tackle the larger problems. Find a counselor who can help the two of you work through the smaller problems in your relationship and then use the skills you develop to address the larger trust issues that are weighing you down.
Hope that helps.
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