My husband keeps getting emotionally involved with younger women

I am married for 34 years. Two years back, I came across messages on my husband’s phone. He was emotionally bonding with a young girl who is 25 years old, younger than our daughter. Declaring love and affection for her. When confronted, he claimed it was – a father and daughter sort of relationship. The relationship was kept secret from me and was going on for 2 years.

He begged me not to tell our daughter or his family. He kept insisting the girl is like a daughter. I went into depression; he continued to keep in touch with her ignoring my feelings and situation. Eventually, after two years of trauma, tears and counseling, I decided to leave. This is when he agreed to give me a commitment. (In the midst of all this, she left for an overseas job).

He has stated repeatedly, he loves me and that I am the most important person in his life.

Prior, to all this we had a healthy relationship, except he never openly showed his affection.

Sadly, he has now started another relationship with another young girl on line. I have not confronted him, but feel very tired and confuse with his attitude. He is 60 years old.

Is he going through a midlife crisis? How do I deal with this situation?

Response:

As a general rule, if someone is hiding a close relationship from his or her family and friends, it is not an appropriate relationship. Also, why the need to have a father-daughter type relationship with a younger woman, when he can have that type of relationship with his own daughter?

But, the real issue is how he treats you. He did not take your feelings or perspective into account. Healthy relationships are based on mutual concern and respect (see healthy relationships). He continued his involvement with the younger woman despite your feelings. He only broke off the relationship when faced with losing the stability that your relationship provides him (and when the other woman moved overseas). Moreover, he has started another secret relationship with a younger woman. Given this pattern of behavior, things probably will not change until he realizes that his behavior is inappropriate and he wants to take steps to change.

The real question you have to ask yourself is what you want to do. Do you want to be in a relationship where someone does not take your perspective into account? Think about how you would like to be treated. If your husband doesn’t treat you the way you want, why would you stay? Talking to a counselor about this is in your best interest. If you do decide to leave him, he will probably promise to change. But, promises made under threat generally last until the threat is gone. Until your husband comes to the conclusion that he needs to change his behavior because he realizes that it is inappropriate, don’t expect him to change. Most likely he will keep getting involved with such relationships, but take better steps to hide them from you.

Finally, healthy relationships involve open expressions of affection. Affection is critical for your emotional and physical well-being. A marriage lacking affection completely misses the point.

 emotional affair | troubled relationship

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