My boyfriend went from being nice to nasty
I’ve been dating the same guy for nearly a year and a half. He is a year older than me and we met in high school. For the first few months of our relationship, he treated me with the outmost respect and adoration but by the time the summer came around, everything changed.
He has always been a compulsive liar. But it’s gotten to the point where he lied about everything now and if I don’t believe him, he threatens to leave me and engages in a massive tantrum and mental breakdown (even though he himself knows he’s lying).
He is lying about where he is, who he’s with, all the jazz. He’s lied about going to clubs and hanging out with girls and other people behind my back, he’s lied about texting and getting together with his exes. And if I don’t believe him, he turns everything on me and makes me the monster.
As we approach the one year and a half mark, he has become so disrespectful and nasty to me. Constantly lying and deceiving me is one thing, but now he is verbally abusive, dismisses my feelings, ignores me, insults me in every way possible, and the lying has gotten even worse. I don’t know what to do anymore.
How do I change such a compulsive liar? How do I make him respect me once again? How do I make him love and adore me the way he used to?
Response:
Sorry to hear about your situation. A relationship is meant to add value to your life. Relationships work best when people feel loved, valued and treated with respect (see healthy relationships).
Based on your boyfriend’s constant lying, his disregard for your feelings, and his abusive approach to dealing with problems by making you out to be the monster, it’s probably wise to get out while you can.
For the most part, people are on their best behavior at the start of a relationship. The person you’re dealing with now is probably a better reflection of his true self. The person you fell in love with was most likely a guise—a persona designed to make you fall in love and once that was accomplished he felt free to show you his true colors (see ludus).
Rather than try to get your boyfriend to treat you with love and kindness, it might be wise to spend some time reflecting on why you want to stay with someone who has treated you so poorly. People with an anxious style of attachment often stay with people who mistreat them based on the hope that their partners will change (see anxious attachment). If you think you’re desire to stay with your boyfriend is due to your style of attachment, it’s probably better to work on that issue with a counselor or therapist.
People who have an anxious style of attachment often repeatedly end up in situations where they are taken advantage of and their needs are not met. With a little bit of reflection and work, it’s possible to find love with someone who truly loves you and takes your feelings into account.
If you do decide to end your relationship, it’s critical that you work with a counselor. Sometimes people, who are disrespectful to their partners, can become more abusive and threatening when relationships come to an end. Working with a counselor to ensure your emotional and physical safety is in your best interest.
anxious attachment | ludus | lying boyfriend | troubled relationships
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