A book by a founder of this site.
Married to an avoidant/dismissing husband
I have been married for almost 10 years.
I am married to a man who is 10 years older than me. At the present time, we are residing in different countries due to immigration reasons. My problem is that many times I have felt that he is not happy with me. He doesn’t call me much and he even seems too busy to attend to my calls. He never shows any interest to keep in touch with me. He tries to ignore me as much as possible and when I get frustrated he says that I am always nagging him about small things. I need his attention, love and care. He doesn’t want to change himself in any way. Please help. I need some sincere advice. I don’t know how I should be dealing with this difficult person?
From your description, it sounds like you are dealing with an individual who has a dismissing/avoidant style of attachment. To begin with, it would probably be helpful to read the entire section of this website on attachment theory (see truth about attachment).
Individuals with a dismissing/avoidant style of attachment dismiss or deny the importance of intimacy. A little affection, attention, and love go a long way for dismissing individuals. Hence, they like long-distance relationships, often display anger or hostility toward a partner (a great technique for pushing people away), prefer minimal contact, feel that their partners are too needy and intrusive, and don’t like dealing with relational problems.
Moreover, dismissing individuals are happy with the way they are. Dismissing individuals just wish their partners would be less needy. They don’t think that they are the problem; they always blame their partners.
So, what can you do? You cannot make someone change who is not interested in changing. However, you can take care of yourself. See a counselor, weigh your options, and ask yourself if this is what you are willing to put up with?
He is probably not going to change, but you can change your life.
I have my own question to ask
Truth About Deception – back to our home page.