I love my cheating husband
My boyfriend was my first in high school. We broke up because he cheated on me and I got married right out of high school. My marriage ended after two years and I found myself in his arms again.
I thought it was fate because I wasn’t looking for love or a relationship at the time. At the time he told me that he was not in a relationship and we just messed around for a while but this one girl that he met after we dated in high school has been around our entire relationship. They were together at one time.
We made things official in spite of his feelings for her. It was like they never let go of each other. I have three children with him now. But in almost 9 years he has constantly cheated on me with this girl. We’ve physically fought. I’ve even fought her once even when I was pregnant with our last baby after catching him at her house. I check his phone even when he thinks I can’t and he talks to and text her daily. He tells her he loves her and he even gets her to pick him up from work so they can be together.
I’m at a constant tug of war with emotions. Mainly because I know what’s going on but I love him. If he and I are together he can’t talk to or text her but as soon as he leaves my presence they are talking him telling her he’s sorry and loves her.
I’ve confronted him too many times and he would put it on me saying I should not have checked his phone or I’m insecure and should find somebody else. He never really says he’s sorry. After days of not speaking because of the argument nothing is resolved and we go back to talking to each other but nothing really changes.
He says he loves me but has told her he’s only with me because of the children. She gives him money and begs him to be with her and to leave me and talks bad about me to him to try and persuade him to be with her and not me. I’ve had dreams about certain situations and he’s even had my first two babies around her. He doesn’t really help me much with our children because he is always hanging out with friends or in my opinion with her.
His friends cover for him and I’ve seen it happen. His lack of being there leaves me to cook, clean and take care of our children’s needs with homework as well as anything else by myself. It’s stressful. I love him but I know he cheats. Can this work? Will he change? Is it worth staying? Please help!
Response:
Based on the information provided, your relationship doesn’t seem healthy. Your husband continually betrays your trust, he doesn’t show remorse, empathy or concern, and your relationship isn’t based on equality.
While you say you love your husband, love is not enough to make a relationship work. Healthy relationships are based on respect, kindness and mutual concern (see healthy relationships).
You may want to consider the possibility that you have an anxious style of attachment while your husband has a dismissing style of attachment. People with an anxious style of attachment often believe in fate, love their partners when they are not loved in return, stay in miserable relationships, experience a lot of jealousy and suspicion (which may sometimes be warranted).
People with a dismissing style of attachment show little empathy, closeness or concern for their romantic partners. They are distant in their romantic relationships, but may be involved with someone else on the side. Their involvement with others isn’t because they prefer love and intimacy with another person, they just like being with someone who they really can’t be with (see attachment styles).
If this describes you and your husband, then you may want to consider talking with a counselor. The issues you are dealing with did not develop overnight and they won’t be solved quickly.
It’s in your long-term best interest to deal with this problem directly. Talking to your husband (most likely) won’t be effective until you get some professional help. With some counseling, you should be able to see the situation more clearly, learn how to take care of yourself, and stop investing in people who don’t love you in return.
Staying in a toxic relationship, even if you love your husband, is not wise. Toxic relationships can be more emotionally, mentally and physically harmful (stress is bad for one’s health) than going out on your own.
In short, this situation probably isn’t going to change, but you can.
anxious attachment | cheating husband | dismissing attachment | troubled relationship
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