My husband tries to prevent me from doing things I want to do

My husband of 18 years has always been a little jealous of me. I have never strayed or cheated but I have had offers and advances to which I decline. I am a naturally social person and my communication style can come off as flirty. However I always show my husband love and affection. I tell him I love him and we have very regular sex.

Recently I auditioned for a play. My husband was upset a bit by my desire to do something that he isn’t interested in as normally we do everything together when we are not working and I am a shift worker so my job takes me away from home when he is a home about 7 days every 3 weeks.

I auditioned for a small and safe part to which he accepted. I landed the lead character. The play is The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. I told the director that there are things I wont do such as kissing to portray a relationship between the characters. She developed a scene where my character gives her co-star a back rub, then undoes 3 of his shirt buttons, crosses in front of him, sits and removes a boot.

My husband has been missing work and losing sleep for the last 2 weeks. It’s causing me anxiety and ill feelings, as I do not see the problem when it’s a play and I have drawn lines as to my actions. I still give him love and affection. We are still having regular sex.

I feel torn because I can’t let an entire cast and town who have paid money to see this play down but my husband is hurting and o don’t want that either. It’s causing me stress and negative feelings towards my husband. I am feeling controlled and hostile towards him. Am I being unreasonable? What can I do to help him and myself?

Response:

The only thing you can do is try to explain to your husband that you love him and you have a life to live as well. There is no reason you can’t love your husband and be the lead character in a play.

It sounds like your husband has your love, respect and kindness, but that doesn’t mean you have to live your life according to his insecurities (see anxious attachment).

You don’t have to be mean to him either. When his anxiety gets the best of him and he tries to control what you do, just explain to him how you feel (see talk about problems). You might want to tell him that you’re frustrated because you love him and his feelings are preventing you from doing something important in your life.

Be supportive, kind and reassuring while also doing things that are meaningful to you. He may not like it, but being in love with someone doesn’t mean you get to control what they do. You get to appreciate who they are (see healthy relationships).

 anxious attachment | control issues

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