My girlfriend lies, shuts down discussions, and makes promises she does not keep

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 4 years. We have had our share of fights where she has asked for time. I usually feel like she takes things out of proportion and goes extreme. She goes from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds! She never wants to discuss things that happen, she usually gets mad and frustrated and calls me names and other negative words spew out of her mouth.

Last spring she showed me a picture on her phone, as I went through the pictures while she was watching I noticed a screen shot of something we fought about. She told me it was for something, I thought it was weird but I believed her.

About an hour later she told me she sent it to her ex (who she dated for 5 years). She said her ex girlfriend contacted her bc she was having relationship problems and wanted my girlfriends advice. So she asked her about our relationship.

I was shocked bc she said she never contacted her in all the time we were together. She said she was sorry she hurt me and would never do it again bc it hurt her heart too.

So months go by and I build up my trust with her again. I ask a couple of times if she heard from her and she said no. She even sweared to it. The last time I asked her she got very angry, starting cursing and told me never to ask again. I figured I was asking too much. Well it’s now known that she did in fact contact her and it has been frequently, including while she was on vacation talking to her almost everyday. What should I do? She wants me to get over it and is mad at me for this.

Response:

There are two interrelated problems to address. To begin with, it is not healthy to have so much negativity in a relationship. Relationships are supposed to add value to your life (see healthy relationships). Negativity does the opposite.

If your girlfriend cannot control her emotions and acts in hostile ways toward you, she may have a dismissing style of attachment. People with a dismissing style of attachment like to solve problems through displays of hostility, settle arguments quickly, make promises to shutdown the conversation, and they do not like to discuss problems in a way that gets to the heart of the matter (see dismissing attachment).

If this describes your girlfriend, it might be helpful to talk to a counselor. Individuals with a dismissing style of attachment are often resistant to making real changes. You may want to consider if this is how you are going to spend the rest of your life and a trained therapist can help you sort through such an important and complicated issue.

 dismissing attachment | lying girlfriend

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