Feel guilty about almost sleeping with my boyfriend’s friend

My boyfriend and I built our relationship very slowly. At first, we were simply friends, but I always had a crush on him from the moment I met him. It took more than half a year of being friend for us to finally have sex. After that it took him longer to become committed to our relationship and build it. Now we have been dating for a year and we love each other equally.

We're both honest with one another and slightly jealous but in a healthy manner. He is sensitive. Recently, I slept at our mutual friend’s house and ended up kissing and beginning to have sex but stopped. I stayed the night, and, in the morning, I realize what had happened.

I feel like my friend took advantage of me and how I confided in him about my relationship. We both aren't going to tell him because it would destroy him to know it involved two people he knows and we both have something to lose.

For as long as I've liked my boyfriend, I have never found anyone else attractive or have done anything that would even slightly hint at cheating. I know this is a onetime thing. But I can't stand to be in my own head.

I feel so terrible for what I did. And I know telling him would be so selfish of me because what I did meant nothing to me but telling him he would be imagining and thinking all sorts of things that are just not true.

I hate our mutual friend now too. I talk to him because he's the only one I can to about this. But I also hate him so much because I blame him more than I blame myself. I was uncomfortable and I couldn't get myself to say anything about the situation. I just don't know how to cope with all of this.

Response:

These types of situations are fairly common. Mistakes like the one you mention often happen not because people intend for them to happen, but because people put themselves in situations where such incidents are likely to happen. Research consistently shows that people underestimate the influence of context or situations on their behavior. In other words, spending the night at a mutual friend’s house was probably not a great idea (see why people cheat).

There are several things you can do to make the situation better. To begin with, avoid spending any time alone with your mutual friend. Make sure all of your contact with him happens in a public context or with other people around. Don’t put yourself in a situation where cheating is even a possibility.

As for the guilt and remorse you’re feeling, take pride in the fact that you feel bad about what happened. Your feelings of guilt and remorse indicate that you care for your boyfriend and don’t want to hurt him—that your heart is in the right place and that you’re a kind and caring person (who simply made a mistake).

And it helps to have compassion for yourself. You made a mistake—you’re only human. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes and don’t beat yourself up. In short, forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, and take steps to prevent such situations from happening again.

Hope this helps.

my infidelity

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