My Ex-Husband is still dragging me down

My Ex-husband and I divorced over 11 years ago. We have known each other for 20 years. In the marriage he was verbally and physical abusive, controlling, jealous, possessive, demanding and manipulative. He treated me awful. I tried to get rid of him multiple times.

I would call the police on him which he would leave and come right back after the police left, I filed orders of protection on him, he would still come to my house and be knocking on the door besides he was an alcoholic and drug addict.

I would leave town and go to my family, he would find out that I was there and call all the time. He just wouldngo away. One good thing is he gave up alcohol because the doctors said if he didnhe would be dead in about 2 years but he still smoked the marijuana and still does it to this day.

Since our divorce years ago, I have stuck by him, through everything all through his surgeries; in fact, he developed kidney failure a year before our divorce and has been on dialysis since 2003.

I am still there for him, through all of his downfalls; I take care of his needs such as buying his cleaning supplies, food, giving him money and so forth. He lives alone and I have always had this pity for him.

His family has turned their backs on him, its like they have just thrown him off on me. He even has a grown son that calls maybe every couple of months but not regularly. They all live out of town and the only time they show up is when my Ex husband is near death and they probably have him in a big insurance plan otherwise, they have nothing to do with him.

We have no kids. I try to move on, but I can’t. He is constantly calling me. I have to keep up with his Doctors appointments, remind him to take his meds, and I am not even his "Power of Attorney".

I feel trapped and stuck. People keep telling me I need to let go because he is not my responsibility, I know this is true but I feel so sorry for him because he has nobody in his corner, but me.

I know I need to let go but my heart says one thing and my mind says another. I’m not in love with him – that left years ago, I care about him and his well being as a good friend but nothing more.

He says he’ll always love me no matter what and he is hoping someday I come back to him and that he is a changed man. That all maybe true, but I like my life the way it is. I’m independent and I control everything around me. But, its like I feel an obligation to him and whether I want to admit it or not, he is still controlling me even though we donlive together.

How do I break free? This has been going on for over 20 years and I need to really move on. Thank you so much.


Based on the information provided, you may want to read all you can about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). A great place to start is BPD Central.

And here are some great tips for dealing with people who might have BPD (see tips for communicating).

If your ex-husband does suffer from BPD, you might want to seriously consider calling it quits like everyone else has.

He has to deal with his life. You have live your life. Don’t confuse the two.

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