Ending one relationship thinking about starting another

My situation is a bit tricky. I have been married to my husband for two years, and we've had issues all along. We are very different people and I have tried very hard to tolerate his traits and have been tremendously working on myself for him but he says he doesn't see the work I do and that he doesn't appreciate what I do. He actually tells me he doesn't enjoy talking to me and he wants to try to be single and with other people. He says he feels like himself more when he is with his friends. For the past two years, he would tell me he would leave me whenever we had a fight. He would go out and come back at dawn and I would be all alone.

This would get me so mad and would make me even more attached. I would get so mad and would reach levels of anger that I am not proud of, and that would lead to aggressive behavior. He would coldly react and just leave. At this point he basically says he thinks relationships should make you happy and if not then you shouldn't be in one. I disagree with that and think that there will always be challenges, and working through those challenges is what makes us grow. I am sure I am not perfect either, but I really was trying to change things.

Anyway- three months ago, we moved to a new country together. Everything was great and he was very good to me so I thought our relationship is finally improving. Two months after, I met this guy in a biking group that I had joined. I immediately knew there was something about him. The first time he spoke to me, his smile and his eyes were filled with kindness and there was some special thing about him. I could feel he is attracted to me, and I can't deny, I was too. I could never ever cheat so I decided to stop going to biking so as not to see him. That day, I went home and I hugged my husband so strongly. I felt bad about the spark I felt with this guy. And I stopped going to biking for a few weeks and tried to be a good partner to my husband. When I went back after a few weeks, I saw him again. We only spoke very briefly but I still felt the attraction. Again, I to decided to stop going.

But here's what happened- three weeks ago, I had a massive fight with my husband. He said those things I earlier mentioned (that he wants to be alone or with other people, that he doesn't appreciate me etc.) I cried and couldn't sleep or eat for days, and then something happened. I became cold and did not care anymore. After the fight, we agreed we will see a counselor but to be honest, I am positive that I do not want to be with him anymore. That being said, I cannot leave now. I have yet to find a job and move out. I am not a liar, and I have explicitly told him that I will stay in the house that we have leased together till I can move out. At the end of the day, he can't just kick me out because he suddenly wants to be alone. But right now, we are in this gray area. I plan on finding a job and moving out but it might take time as we have signed a lease together and we need to take care of financial matters. SO- I am leaving regardless of whether the other man was in the picture.

Knowing that I will eventually be single, and having felt what I felt with this other man, I do not want to ruin any possible chances with him. But I am in the middle of a failing relationship and need to focus on myself for now. I am afraid of seeing him and having to tell him that I am married as it might discourage him. I am also not ready and I can't lie to him, so I am avoiding him. But what if I ruin my chances and never see him again?

Please help me!

Response:

Here’s some candid advice. Look at the situation. You got into a troubled relationship, which is coming to an end after two years. You became more attached to your partner when he threatened to leave you (your initial reaction, at least). You became attracted to someone who displayed interest in you and imagine him in ways that go beyond the facts of your encounters with him. Yes, he may have been flirting with you, but that may just be how he goes through life. When first getting to know someone, it’s never wise to make assumptions or fill in the blanks with what you emotionally want to see or hear. If this is a pattern for you, it probably stems from an anxious style of attachment (see anxious attachment).

If you have an anxious style of attachment, do not see him (or anyone else right away). More then likely you will end up in another relationship full of hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Go to counseling on your own, practice meditation, and make other small changes in your life, so that you can meet someone from a position of confidence rather than need.

anxious attachment | dismissing attachment

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