Considering unique living arrangements with my husband

I have been married for 42 years and my husband had an affair with a younger colleague 40 years ago—we split briefly but got back together and had a reasonable marriage (he never really made me happy and is very selfish) but we did have a lovely son and daughter.

10 years ago he contacted his former mistress (she lived in a town very close to our daughter's university) On discovery I moved out for some 2 months and I have to say I really enjoyed that period and felt quite liberated but he was sooo sorry etc. etc. we went for counseling and the counselor did say my husband had a problem and should have more sessions, but he insisted all was ok and he regretted everything and would never have any contact again.

Needless to say that didn't last—his mistress is unhappily married and very controlling (he is incredibly weak and vain) I've had enough of the situation but feel an outright split would be very damaging to our finances and our family life and friendships.

Would it be realistic to continue living separately in the same house (it is very large)? After all I've been through I bear no animosity (there are no more tears left to cry) but I just cannot keep banging my head against a wall. We are both retired and tend to live our own lives anyway. Any suggestions would be appreciated.


There is nothing wrong with setting your own expectations for your relationship. Every relationship is unique. As long as both of you are clear about what’s expected and follow through, such arrangements work for some couples.

It might, however, help to think through what will happen if your husband violates one of your expectations—he doesn’t follow the rules—how will you feel and react? It can help to think about possible outcomes and prepare for them emotionally before they happen.

Other than that, its your life, its your marriage and truth be told, when it comes to marriage one size doesn’t fit all.

 cheating husband

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