Cold Feet About Marriage

Last February, I found out that my fiancé received an email through LinkedIn from a former lover. She said the email came to her out of the blue and that she had not contacted him.

Within a few days, her computer was on the table (we both work from home) and her LinkedIn was open that email. A glance showed that she had written him in December and he was responding. Prior to me seeing that and pointing it out to her, she swore up and down that she had not reached out to him, so this was a straight up lie. We have talked about this guy and she has been telling me for a year and a half it was over.

She cried and told me it would not happen again. Now during our 2 years of courtship, she lied quite a bit about this and another affair she had with a person at our church. She is still in the choir with him and swears she does not even talk to him. Every Sunday, I have to look up at the choir and see them together, which is very uncomfortable to me, but sharing our spiritualism is more important, so I tough it out.

She seems so genuine, asking me over and over to marry her... but she has also proved she can look me in the face and tell a flat out lie!!!

My problem (and this is MY problem), is that because of this history of many deceptions (which she admits to), I find my self wondering if she is hiding other things. For example, she created false names in her contacts for these people, and I just do not know how to get the trust back. We are planning on getting married in February, what can I do?

I want and need to trust her and to not be nervous all the time about this.

Response:

If you’re experiencing these types of problems now, don’t get married. It won’t make it better.

From your description, it sounds like your fiancé may have an anxious style of attachment. People with an anxious style of attachment don’t feel completely loved, so they reach out to others for additional attention and they conceal their actions because they are ashamed of their behavior (see anxious attachment). They also crave commitment (marriage) and other signs that people value them. IF your fiancé does have an anxious style of attachment, getting married won’t solve these problems.

Given all the ways she has already betrayed you, it’s in your best interest for the two of you to go to counseling and address her underlying anxiety about being loved.

Marriage doesn’t solve problems. Only get married when and if these issues are resolved.

 anxious attachment | cheating girlfriend | lying girlfriend | troubled relationship

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