My boyfriend won’t have sex with me

I am gay and have been dating a guy for almost a year, but we’ve not had sex.

From what I’ve read it seems a classic anxious (me) and avoidant (him) scenario. We are very close and have been on holiday together 3 times—but every time we’ve gotten to the point of sex (though we have been intimate) he has abruptly pulled away and we have argued about it several times.

I was thinking that perhaps it was a general issue he had with sexual contact, but several months ago he cheated on me with a woman, and I understand they had sex.

When I asked him about it he went crazy and we stopped seeing one another—but then he returned full of apologies and we began seeing one another again.

I care about him very deeply, and want to try to communicate and move on in this situation—either forwards or backwards, but am struggling to know how to find the way, because every attempt I’ve made has led to an argument.

Can you suggest a strategy to me?

Response:

Express your feelings to your boyfriend (see talk about problems). Tell him that you are confused and frustrated. Tell him that you would like to have sex with him.

Don’t make accusations or bring up other issues. Just focus on your feelings and needs.

If he doesn’t empathize with you—he doesn’t show consideration or concern for your feelings—well then you have your answer: He doesn’t care.

If he does empathize with you, listen to him. Let him explain his feelings and concerns as well. If he doesn’t mention his concerns, ask him how he feels.

Intimate sex can be uncomfortable for people who have a very dismissing or avoidant style of attachment (see attachment styles).

You have an obligation to express your feelings and concerns, but you cannot control (or try to control) how other people feel or behave.

Relationships work best when you find someone who meets your needs, rather than trying to get a partner to fulfill your needs.

 anxious attachment | dismissing attachment

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