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My boyfriend won’t accept my apology

I’ve been with this guy for two years.

We have a little boy together and another on the way. I have done things in the past that are in no way okay. For about a month I denied we were together. It was a year and half ago.

No matter how much I apologize he still says I never apologize.

Lately he has been talking badly, very badly about me to another girl. He even told her if it never worked out with me he would be with her. She visits him every now and then.

He tells her lies about me. But then he tells me that he loves me.

Which is the truth? Why wonhe get over our past and look towards the future? Does he want to be with her or me?

Response:

There are several possible reasons a partner won’t let go of the past. Some individuals hold on to past issues because they don’t feel like their point of view has been validated. If you didn’t apologize to your boyfriend effectively, he may have a difficult time putting the issue to rest (see apologize effectively and rebuilding trust).

It may also be the case that your boyfriend has an anxious style of attachment. Individuals with an anxious style of attachment ruminate about past events and often dwell on them in counterproductive ways (see anxious attachment).

The fact that your boyfriend says he loves you and is flirting with someone else is also common for people with an anxious style of attachment.

So, what is the truth? The truth is probably very complicated. Your boyfriend probably loves you and his insecurity leads him to seek out the attention of someone else. Your boyfriend probably wants to be with “someone”—either you or her and he does not know what to do. Such mixed feelings are very common in situations like this.

You can ask him all the questions you want, but that probably won’t resolve the problem. At some point, you need to consider what is best for you.

 anxious attachment | trust issues

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