My boyfriend is a hypocrite when it comes to porn

I will be honest; I watch porn. I have no problem with porn. I don’t mind if the person I’m dating watches porn as long as the porn won’t overtake actual lovemaking.

However the person I’m dating, FROM the time we started dating, expressed so much disgust for people who watch and partake in porn, that I stopped watching it, in order to make sure I make them happy.

I was ok with that.

Since we moved in together I’ve caught him watching porn more than 5 times.

 

The first few times was hearing the moans from it and waking up, to him masturbating right next to me in bed.

At first I understood because I do have a low sex drive, and when I’m not at all receptive to sex it’s frustrating to him. I always try to have sex with him, even if I don’t really want to, to please him because in a relationship I feel it’s a give and take.

But after thinking that, I realized that this entire time he’d been lying to me and it wasn’t just him masturbating when he didn’t want to wake me up, or when I wasn’t in the mood, but it was him watching porn and what hurt the most was that he lied about it.

A few days ago I tried to order pizza and up came a porn site.

I had actually thought maybe it was a leftover site from when I did watch porn, but I soon realized it was him when I saw it was his user and not mine.

I’m so disgusted.

Not with the porn, but how he’ went out of his way to judge me for watching porn, him saying that it was disgusting, and then it turning out to be a hypocrite and a liar.

Now I’ve been noticing his tell, and he constantly confirms my skepticism when he lies to me.

He tells little "white lies" all the time and it hurts.

All I want is honesty and I’m not even getting that.

I’m always ready to try different moves, different things, and I’m even open minded to roleplaying, or even trying out his favorite videos.

But all he does is deny and lie.

I’ve brought it up to him multiple times, reconfirmed he knows I’m okay with porn, yet he still lies.

My boyfriend is WONDERFUL.

But now I wonder if everything is just an act. My mind goes to other places and I feel like I can’t even trust him.

I don’t know what to do.

Response:

When people have an overly strong reaction to a topic – like expressing disgust over watching porn – that is typically a red flag. Strong emotional reactions often signal underlying issues. In your case, it seems that your boyfriend is uncomfortable with his desire for pornography so he lies about it and criticizes others who enjoy watching porn.

When people have such deep-seated and strong emotional reactions to a topic, it can be difficult to have a productive conversation about the issue.

Your boyfriend probably feels ashamed of his behavior, so he blocks it out and blames others.

So, how do you approach the subject with him? Delicately. Pointing out his behavior is not going to be effective. If you can, try to focus on how you feel about the topic. Tell your boyfriend that something is bothering you. Tell him that you don’t feel understood. Tell him that you would like to share your feelings with him. Tell him that you want to be close to him.

When he asks, why? – tell him that you feel left out when he doesn’t share things with you. Tell him that you masturbate and you think that he does the same and you would just like to be able to discuss your feelings with him. Do not focus on his behavior or make accusations. Focus on your emotions and your goals – that you are frustrated because you would like to be closer with him (see talk about problems).

This approach may not work. Your boyfriend may not share the same need for intimacy and closeness (see truth about attachment). But, at least you will have approached the topic in a way that allows for a genuine discussion to take place. It is up to him to do his part and participate in that conversation as well. You cannot force your boyfriend to share things with you, but you can try to start the conversation in a responsible and sensitive way. If your boyfriend doesn’t respond as you like you will then have to consider what to do about that.

 lying boyfriend | problems with pornography

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