I am still in love with my ex-husband
Ok, here it goes. I have been divorced for 2 1/2 years. I never really stopped loving him, we tried to get together last year but that didn’t work out well.
Next thing you know he is calling me a year later to tell me about his love problems. Apparently he was seeing a married woman for 6 months and she returned to her abusive husband.
He keeps saying he doesn’t want to bother me with his problems, but he has nowhere else to go.
As sick as it sounds, I listen and sympathize with him, and have slept with him, just because I can still have a part of him.
He has expressed how he just can’t get her out of his head and how sad he is but it seems to me that it’s soon after we have been together.
I am trying to understand why he misses someone who was so self-destructing. She tried to do herself in with an OD.
We were married 5 years together 10 years. I am nothing like this person; I am self supporting strong, independent, 51 and damn good looking – LOL.
My head knows that we come from two different worlds and want different things, but my heart wants him to want me.
Help....
Response:
Relationships are complicated because they are driven by very fundamental and sometimes competing emotions.
From your question, it sounds like you are attracted to your ex-husband, who loves another woman, but she is still attached to her husband.
Life would be so much easier for everyone involved if our feelings of desire, love and attachment were reciprocated. But more often than not, these basic emotions do not align themselves that way (see differences between attraction, love and attachment).
If you are still attracted to and in love with your ex-husband, but he has similar feelings for someone else, then little good will come of this situation.
Essentially, you are investing in someone who is trying to invest in someone else.
So while sharing physical and emotional intimacy with your ex-husband creates feelings of closeness and connection for you, to him it probably serves a different function: it simply fills a void – he has no one else to turn to.
Or think of it this way: If his love interest showed him any attention, you’d be in his shoes right now – desperate for someone to provide you with comfort and understanding.
And while this may sound somewhat harsh, it is meant to be helpful: To an outsider, it looks like there is more than just one self-destructive individual involved in this situation.
So, how do you break this pattern and behave in a way that is in your own best interest?
To begin with, you cannot control who you are attracted to or who you love (see interpersonal attraction).
But, you can control how you invest your time, energy and resources.
The best way to break this self-destructive pattern is to force yourself to meet new people, do new things, and get involved in new activities. By doing so, you’ll increase the odds of meeting someone who you are attracted to and who feels the same way about you.
Relationship work best when they are based on mutual feelings of love, respect and kindness (see healthy relationships).
Investing your time and energy in someone, who loves someone else, will ultimately prevent you from receiving the love you want in return.
Hope this helps somehow.
troubled relationship | unrequited love
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