I am in a loveless marriage and I have feelings for someone else

I have been married for over 10 years, but my relationship has lacked passion all along. About a year ago I met a woman who I felt passionate about in a very special way from the moment I first saw and spoke with her (at work).

Since that time we have talked more often and we always seem to connect. I have started thinking about her all the time and dreaming her and I were together.

My wife and I are more roommates than husband and wife; we fight a lot and seem incompatible on many things. I just learned the woman I am crazy about is getting divorced and that her husband was is having an affair.

I want to leave my wife so that I can find out if this woman is as interested in me as I am in her, yet I hear divorce is a bad time to get involved. But I also don’t want to let this chance slip away.

I don’t want to miss the chance that I could be with someone with whom I really connect with. I don’t know if she likes me a lot and is hesitant to become more involved because she doesn’t want to become the “other woman” given what happened to her.

I have felt sick since I found out. I am torn between being happy that she might be available and sad over what she experienced. I also feel guilty that I like this woman so much and haven’t said anything to my wife about it (though we hardly ever talk).

My wife and I often wonder if we’re right for each other, and my wife sometimes brings up divorce in arguments—but my biggest fear is I don’t want to hurt my wife (I care about her but, I am not in love with her).

I am also used to the situation where we aren’t very passionate but we each pay half the bills and we are sort of there for each other (although honestly we fight way too much and don’t click at all—we haven’t had sex in almost a year).

Anyways—I am distraught and just wanting some feedback / ideas on what my options are and whether my feeling that this other woman is THE one (I felt that from day one, but tried to hide it because we were both married) is foolish or what makes life meaningful.

Thanks for your time.

Response:

Many people end up in this exact same situation—in a passionless marriage marked by bickering and fighting. And along comes someone else who you are attracted to and who you connect with and it creates a lot of anxiety and uncertainty.

In such situations, third parties always seem more appealing and attractive than they really are. It is easy to idealize another person when 1) you’re not really dating him or her and 2) when you’re not happy with your current partner.

But with that said, if you’re not happy with your marriage and you think you may have found someone special that can be hard to ignore.

Before you do anything drastic it may help to reevaluate your relationship with your wife (see worth saving).

Why are you together? Is it due to love, companionship, security, comfort…. And what do you want out of a romantic relationship? Is there any way that you can fix your marriage in order to get what’s missing? Talking to a counselor is often the best way to work through such complex issues (see emotional support).

If you ultimately decide that your marriage is worth risking in order to take a chance with someone else, please discuss it with your wife before you do anything else. Trying to test the waters with the other woman before you talk to your wife is unfair. And it also places the other person in an awkward role—that of the “other woman.” Although many people do it, testing the waters before you make a decision only demonstrates that you’re willing to place your own needs ahead of everyone else’s needs.

But, if you’re honest with your wife, while she may not be happy, at least it allows her to make decisions for herself based on real information. And if you discuss the situation with your wife before you approach the other woman, while you run the risk of appearing foolish, at the end of the day, it’s better to be an honest fool than a dishonest spouse (see, lying limits choice).

Remember, you are the one who is having these feelings, so you should be the one to bear most of the responsibility for what happens.

Again, talking to a counselor is probably the best way to proceed. Without having someone to talk to, your feelings about the situation will most likely intensify.

end of relationship | loss of passion | my infidelity | troubled relationship | worth saving

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