My boyfriend is never home

I am basically sure what’s going on. I can almost bet the farm that my live-in boyfriend is cheating.

I catch him in lies constantly, he’s gone 98% of the time and recently this week alone 3 nights and going on the 4 he’s been gone all night with lame excuses why and also he’s very defensive when I question him about his whereabouts etc. like he’ll get mad and yell at me for asking or hell hang up on me if I’m asking when he’s out.

I already know the answer; I just don’t understand why he does this when I give him everything from sex to emotional support, cook, clean, etc.


Does your boyfriend attend to your needs the same way that you attend to his needs?

If not, then perhaps your boyfriend probably doesn’t view you as his equal. Most people want to date someone who is their equal (see healthy relationships).

Taking care of a partner’s needs is critical in a relationship, but it isn’t enough to make a relationship work. Equality and companionship are just as important (see my husband is having a midlife crisis and love is driving me crazy).

When inequality exists, the person who has everything given to them starts to feel that they can do better. The implicit reasoning goes something like this: If you do everything for me, but I don’t do the same for you, then I’m better than you, and I should really be with someone who is on my same level. After all, why would I want to date someone who is not my equal?

And relationships work the best when people are best friends. So, while you do everything for your boyfriend, does he enjoy your company? If your boyfriend had to pick one person to spend the day with, would it be you? Companionship, a deep connection and a genuine friendship, is what keeps couples together in the long run (see romantic attachments and worth saving).

Taking care of a partner’s needs is important, but only when relationships are based on equality and a genuine liking. Otherwise, partners are tempted to stray (see likely to cheat).

Again, doing everything for a partner doesn’t make a relationship work—equality and companionship are much more important factors to consider. And these factors are difficult to fix when they are missing. Equality and companionship are best solved by picking a suitable partner rather than trying to establish equality and companionship in an existing relationship.

We wish we had more encouraging advice to offer.

 hostility | shows no interest | suspect cheating

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