My husband is in love with someone else

My husband and I have been married for nearly 15 years. He had this best friend from grade school that he has been in love with. He has stayed in contact with her throughout the years and yes she has become the topic of many fights. He told me not too long ago that he loved her, but he loved me more. Then out of the blue one day after not talking to her for a couple years he decides to call her. Come to find out she is living in Washington State and hates it (she is from Missouri). She was planning a trip to Missouri and asked him to come and see her. She knew he was still married, but from when he called her and found out she was unhappy in her marriage he led her to believe that we were all but divorced.

Well he went to Missouri that weekend, and I knew something was wrong because whenever we talked he was real short with me and he never said “I love you.” But, he did call me once when she wasn’t around and said we were okay. Well, he came home from Missouri and told me a couple days later that he was still in love with her and that he wanted to be with her. My husband said that he wasn’t in love with me anymore, but that he still loves me. He talked to her and told her how he felt and went and saw her that next weekend before she went back to her husband. Nothing physical ever happened and I believe him on that. It was just an emotional affair.

Later, she came back to Missouri which my husband paid for. And she and my husband have been together most of the time since then. He had me move out of our house before she came back. She spent a week with him in our house. He has convinced her that they were meant to be together, but she still has not told her husband anything. And she thinks that our divorce is already in the works. We haven’t even filed yet or anything.

Their relationship has started out on lies. She thinks that my husband and I haven’t had sex for months, which is a lie. Yes, I moved out, but I spend many nights with my husband and we still have sex.

Today, she told him that she wants him all to herself; he just told me that he is more convinced now than ever that they are going to be together forever.

Everyone says I just need to divorce him. I still love him with all my heart and this hurts so much, I don’t know what to do. I know there is no saving this marriage, but I’m not going to be the one to end it. He told me when this started I didn’t show him enough attention—therefore forcing him to find love somewhere else. He keeps saying he knows I’m hurting, but he can’t love me like he loves her. It isn’t fair to me. I don’t know what to do.

Response:

We know this is difficult, but try to take a step back from the situation. In all likelihood, there is no saving your marriage—its over and it’s not fair.

But with that said, a crisis such as this can often be a good time to reevaluate your life—what do you want to accomplish in life?

Do your best to ignore what your husband is doing. You may not have asked for this divorce, but you are probably going to get it.

If you can, it helps to think about the future—reexamine the direction you want your life to take. Even though you are hurting, this also happens to be a rare opportunity to make changes that really matter. Many people when faced with such an overwhelming crisis often behave in ways that are counterproductive in the long run. Try not to spend too much time and energy focusing on the past, what your husband is doing, or trying to get even—it will only take away from your future.

And in a situation like this, it helps to talk to a good divorce attorney and a counselor (see emotional support). Doing so may help you feel more in-control in this out-of-control situation.

We wish you the best of luck.

 cheating husband | emotional affair | end of relationship | life shattered | troubled relationship

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