I think I want to leave my husband
I have been in a relationship with my husband (common-law) for 9 years. He’s 45 I’m 29 and we have no kids. We had our problems like most people, but mainly have worked thru them. The problem now is this: Last year I cheated on him. He constantly asked me if I was and I lied every time. Finally, he read my diary and found out that I was cheating and he also found out that I had slept with a couple of people (while we were separated) that I said I didn’t sleep with.
After he found what he was looking for, I left. About 6 months later I called him only to ask for forgiveness and see if it was possible to be friends, but I ended up not sticking to my guns and allowing his words to influence my feelings. We’ve been back together since early last year and I still feel like I really don’t want to be with him, but I love him as my friend and don’t want to lose him as that. He loves me more than I love him (it used to be the other way around) and tells me that me wanting to leave him can’t be anything else except a sex thing (our sex is amazing by the way)—and that’s not true.
I am not compelled to do what I used to do for him even though he does things for me. I really do think that even though the sex is great and we both do care for each other it’s just not love for me like it is for him. He’s dependent on me a lot and he says it’s because he doesn’t know that many people here and all he really knows is me and my people. I feel like that’s BS! After 10 years of residing somewhere if you don’t know more people than your partner’s friends & family that is your fault!
His dependency on me is way more than I can deal with and I’ve been trying to accept his level of it for 9 years, but I can’t anymore! It’s really like taking care of a child and I don’t have kids for a reason! I know being husband/wife means accepting some responsibility for your partner’s failure/success but when a person acts like if without you there is nothing?? I don’t think that’s healthy.
I want to go to save the little friendship I believe we have left. Since we’ve gotten back together I can tell that his trust still lingers and I know I just don’t feel it for him anymore. He’s very emotional when I try to talk about breaking up and he threatens me ("give me one reason why I shouldn’t put you out at 3:00am in the hallway, naked?"), he won’t allow me to take my belongings, he scares me when I want to talk about this so I keep it in a lot. I don’t know how to approach this anymore. I just want for us to be happy, and even though his happiness is with me my happiness no longer lives in him and I know I need to go… but how?
Response:
If you feel like leaving your husband and he manipulates and threatens you when you try to talk about ending the relationship, perhaps it is time to go (also see relationship worth saving).
Relationships work best when they are build on trust and understanding—fear, intimidation, and pity should not play such a larger role in your decision making (see healthy relationships).
But, as you noted, leaving someone is always easier said than done. Our best advice is to talk to a counselor about the situation—breakups can sometimes take a turn for the worse, especially when people feel like they are losing the only thing that matters. A counselor, who has more information and details about the nature of your relationship, will give you much better advice than we can.
But with that said, we can offer some general advice about breakups.
When trying to end a relationship, people often resort to deception—making-up excuses rather than telling a partner the truth. People lie because they want to avoid hurting a partner (and deal with the consequences of doing so).
But making-excuses, rather than telling the truth, is often counterproductive when trying to end a relationship. In many cases, partners try to fix problems hoping that things can be worked out. But, if you aren’t honest about the problems that exist, your partner might get false hopes and put his time and effort into fixing things that really do not matter. And as problems get fixed, you’ll have to create new problems, ultimately leaving both of you frustrated and annoyed.
Being honest about wanting to end a relationship often saves a lot of time and hurt feelings in the long run. But, it also helps to have a plan—think about what you want to say and the best way to say it (see telling the truth).
Best of luck.
end of relationship | my infidelity
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