My girlfriend has been avoiding me

For the last two months, I feel my girlfriend has distanced herself from me. She doesn’t answer the phone when I call very often and her return texts are not very frequent. We’ve been together for two years. In that time, she has never been this way. She ignores me on Facebook when I try to talk to her. Instead, she sends me pictures with sayings on them from different Quote sites. They usually say really nice things, but she will not respond to chat. I see her mobile device attached to her chat and the idle # is really low all the time—usually a few minutes. She says she’s not talking to anyone but me and hasn’t slept with anyone else, but if she weren’t talking to anyone, the number would be very high.

We haven’t spent any time together in 3 weeks except for a few brief moments here and there. She’s 8 months pregnant with our second child, but has 4 previous children with 3 other men. Every time I’ve tried to see her for the last week and a half, she’s come up with an excuse why she couldn’t. She says she’s too sick, or she says we can and then blows me off completely. Doesn’t answer her phone after we’ve made plans and she doesn’t show.

I recently bought our first home and today is the first day in it. She has been living with her mother in a one bedroom with all of our children. She said she was going to move in with me, and I moved in, but she wont talk to me. She spends most of the day on Facebook.

I’m worried she is having an affair. If she is... how do I bring her back to me? I love her with no equivocations and I want to save what we have, unless she’s been unfaithful. I cannot forgive that.

How do I tell if she’s been with another man? I told her that we could get through anything as long as she didn’t cheat on me. This means having sex with another man, or talking to another man behind my back.

What do I do? Thank you for taking the time to help an Ohioan.


Emotions are the lifeblood of relationships. Our emotions drive our thoughts and actions, especially when it comes to love and romance.

The fact that your girlfriend is not responding to you reveals a lot.

Why might she be avoiding you?

There are several ways of looking at this problem.

To begin with, romantic, passionate love—the kind of crazy love that makes people want to be near each other and constantly engaged, lasts about two years (see like a flower). It is possible that her feelings for you have peaked. Ideally, when this happens, people convert romantic, passionate love into a love that is based on friendship—a love that is less intense, but more enduring (see friendship first). However, love that is based on friendship is considerate. People do not ignore their partners; they treat them with respect.

It is also possible that your girlfriend has a dismissing style of attachment (see attachment styles). When relationships become too intense, dismissing individuals checkout. They often avoid their partners, start new relationships, and then repeat the pattern again. You say that she has four previous children with three other men. Think about that for a minute. Past behavior is good predictor of what the future holds. If she didn’t make things work with her other lovers, why would your relationship be different?

No matter how strongly you feel about her, it might be wise to consider the possibility that she doesn’t feel the same way about you. If that is the case, does it matter if she is cheating on you or not? If she does not love you as intensely as you love her, how could you ever make such a relationship work?

Relationships work best when they are based on equality, respect and concern (see healthy relationships). One-sided relationships only lead to heartache and frustration.

You cannot make someone love you as much as you love them.

 crazy love | dismissing attachment | suspect cheating

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