Man of my dreams is less dreamy
I was a single mother when I met the man of my dreams. From the moment we laid eyes on each other we both fell head over heels. At the time of our meeting we both had others we were seeing but nothing serious. Our relationship moved fast and within the first year we took several vacations together including our combined family to Disney where he proposed.
During that first year he moved into my home with my children and me. One day I stumbled across his open safe that had an unmarked DVD in it, which I of course put in the player and to my surprise, it was a pornographic home film of him and a female I’ll call "Lucy". He claimed he didn’t realize that it was there and that he destroyed it immediately.
Two years and some ups and downs later—he had by then moved out of my home and into an apartment of his own for multiple reasons, but the main one being that he had gotten sole custody of his child. While six months pregnant with our child I was visiting his home for dinner and was on his computer and visited a social media site in which he was logged into and I find a correspondence between "Lucy" and him. To the innocent eye it was innocent. She initiated and basically said "hi, friend. How are things?" his response was something to the effect of "hi, friend. Life is good. Glad your good" it wasn’t so much what was said as much as what was not said that bothered me.
I always felt as if there was something going on between the two after the messages I saw and would ask him periodically which he denied and told me I was crazy among other things.
Another two years go by and I find out that she was making business transactions with a family member of his. Of course he denied any knowledge or not even a “hi” exchanged between the two over the years. It bothers me to the point that I contact her and after some probing she confessed that a year prior he contacted her out of the blue and they developed a friendship were they would speak, text message and hangout. That eventually she found out we were still an item and she cut it off. Of course initially he denied then went through several versions before confirming her story.
I broke off the relationship and am trying to pickup the pieces. The problem is I love him so and our relationship and love was something like out of a storybook. Our children and other family members are devastated at our breakup and all believe I am giving up to easy. He claims to be beside himself with grief and now gotten back into religion and a changed man and will do anything to have another chance at our family.
However, I requested that before I even consider counseling or any other form of possible rekindling that he take a lie detector test. I feel that there was and is an emotional attachment with Lucy and that the two will find each other again. He has refused to take the lie detector test.
Should I give him a chance? Should I try to work it out and if so, how? How would we begin to rebuild after that?
Response:
Love is always fun at first. But, intense feelings of love only last about two years (see like a flower). After the passion fades, other factors become more important—mutual respect, appreciation and companionship (see healthy relationships).
It is doubtful that you will regain what you had. Fairytales belong in Disneyland, but real relationships involve a lot of work. But, just because things have changed does not mean that your relationship is not worth saving. If you love him, can you accept that he may have reached out to someone, from his past, for a variety of reasons? Few people can fulfill everyone’s needs. Most people need appreciation, affection and support from more than one individual.
When people make extreme promises to change their behavior that is most likely a tactic to influence your decision-making; not a prediction about what the future holds.
So, it might be helpful to ask yourself what will make you happy. The intense love you had is probably not coming back. But, with all his flaws (which everyone has), does he add value to your life in meaningful ways?
Are you better off with him flaws and all? Only you can figure out the answer to that. If you decide to work things about, it might helpful to read the section on rebuilding trust.
troubled relationship | trust issues
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