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Events similar to his past cheating have me concerned
Background- 5 years ago my boyfriend had an ongoing secret relationship with another woman. I found out and after 4 years together we separated for 3 months. We got back together. Things have been great, my trust was at 99%, he could go out whenever he wanted, and he always answered his phone. We only ever argued over things like housework... although those arguments could get heated.
He recently changed cell phone providers and I helped him set up his account online. It’s a prepaid service, so I went on 3 days ago to see when he needed to pay the bill so he wouldn’t get shut off... I glanced at the call activity page expecting to see nothing, and instead I found her number.
I went through old phone bills and found her number a few times each month, all in the middle of the night.
I checked credit card statements to find 2 hotel rooms corresponding to nights with her number on the call log, and I flipped out. I told the world I was breaking up with him and what I had found, and I didn’t talk to him about it first.
When he got home from work he had explanations for everything, the hotel rooms were for a friend and the phone calls weren’t for her but for people staying at her house. He helps people flip cars and his excuse was that is what the phone calls are for. She gave the same explanation (and she did not lie to me last time about the affair), so did the friend who the hotel rooms were for, and so did the girl’s new boyfriend who claims to be the reason for some of those phone calls. My partner tells me he hid the contact because he knew I wouldn’t understand and would just be mad. He promised to stop all contact.
It looks bad, my friends and family don’t believe the excuses and hate him. I on the other hand despite the overwhelming proof believe what he tells me and I want to stay. I know that if I was a friend of mine I’d be hating him too. I need to figure out what makes me want to stay, and if believing him is wrong because I don’t want to be in a relationship that will ever make me feel like this again. And if I do stay I definitely need help figuring out how to keep some friends. Up until checking the call log everything was great, there were no trust issues and no signs that anything out of the ordinary was going on... but a good lie is one you can believe so I’m stuck. I believe we both have a strong attachment and love for each other; our sexual part isn’t that great... I don’t desire sex, but I believe he does. I don’t know how to deal with this particular situation, and the guilt I am feeling from my friends.
First, it probably helps to focus on your relationship. Try to sort things out with your boyfriend and then ask for your friends’ support, whatever your decision may be. If you make the right decision about your relationship, given time, your friends and family should see that.
You caught your boyfriend cheating a long time ago, broke up, got back together and thought everything was fine, until you accidently discovered something suspicious in his call log. When people go through traumatic events, like being betrayed by a loved one, all of those negative feelings can easily be triggered by events closely related to those memories. My guess is that you are still hurting from what happened 5 years ago. If so, it makes perfect sense why you are having such a difficult time sorting out the truth this time around. Our past experiences always cloud our current judgments and interpretations.
If he is cheating on you again, he is asking a lot of people to cover his tracks, including the other woman (who didn’t lie the last time around) and her new boyfriend. To an outsider, why would so many people, especially her new boyfriend, help conceal your boyfriend’s alleged cheating?
Rather than focus on what may or may not have happened, this is probably a good opportunity for you and your boyfriend to reevaluate your relationship (see is my relationship worth saving?). Are you both happy? Are both your needs being met? Are there ways that you can improve your relationship and make it better? Sexual satisfaction and relational satisfaction are closely related. If there are issues related to your sex life, this is probably a wise time to address them.
Talking about problems in a relationship is best accomplished when partners share their feelings with each other and try to understand each other’s point of view (see talk about problems). Short-term counseling can also be very helpful at times like this.
While it is difficult to evaluate your relationship when your emotions are so intense, it is probably the best thing to do. If you and your boyfriend decide to work things out, rebuilding trust takes time, but it can be done (see rebuilding trust).
Hope this helps.
I have my own question to ask
Truth About Deception – back to our home page.
- Letting the past poison the present
- Problems in our relationship - little sex and he's flirting with others