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Problems in our relationship – little sex and he’s flirting with others
My boyfriend of 2.5 years whom I live with has recently been talking with other women (3 different instances as far as I know). We have always been a healthy happy couple until his grandfather passed away (1.5 years in). He began to pull away from our relationship emotionally and our sex life went from 1 or 2 times a week to once per month or 6 weeks. He was very close to his grandfather but never really spoke about his emotions in relation to his death. I did not want to push, so I told him that I was here if and when he wanted to talk about it.
About 3 months after his grandpa died (around 7 months ago), he made fast friends from a customer that rents equipment from his job. Texting a lot. She offered him a discount massage—she is a massage therapist and a musician (did not bother me) until I found out the massage was going to be at her house. I said nothing thinking he would go for the massage and leave. He went to her house at 8p for 1.5 hour massage and I when I got home from work at 11:30p he was still not home, so I called him. He did not answer, I got worried, what if something happened to him (his car is very unreliable). I waited a few minutes and called again. He answered and sounded very awkward on the phone, telling me he was having a drink with Becki and would be home as soon as he was done. I thought he meant they went to a bar, so I said I will come meet you, long day at work I could use a drink too. Then he said, Oh I am still at her house, its close (an adjacent borough—5 to 10 minutes away), I will be home soon.
My stomach flipped! He then did not get home for almost 45 minutes. I was upset when he arrived home and said some confrontational and hurtful things. I asked if anything happened with them, he said no, I asked if he wanted to happen, he said no and that they were just friends. He said it was nice to have someone to hang out with and talk to. While we were talking his phone kept vibrating. I still felt unsure about the situation. When he went to bed, I checked his cellphone text messages. They had over 50 texts back and forth to each other. Most were just normal innocent friend conversational type exchanges. But one from the time frame of me asking about their time together that night said—her: "its nice to have someone to drink with and talk about anal" -him: "agreed, the company and the bourbon were nice" I was so upset and hurt. Our sex life and fallen off and he was sitting at her house and talking about sex with her. Becki and him continued to text for over a week, every time he was home his phone would be going off, when were out together it would be going off both times were obviously the same person texting him and then him responding over and over. I know this because I had intermittently checked his phone when he would be showering or something that gave me the opportunity to look at it. He was supposed to go and see a friend’s independent film while I was working and kept saying how much he did not want to go by himself. I had seen a text where he invited Becki to movie with him "come to horror movie thing with me? dinner and drinks on me?" -her: "oh yeah, dinner & drinks on you ;) just like I like it!!" -him: "that is not what I meant, but hmmm :)" I told him to invite Becki, since they are just friends (knowing he had already invited her seeing what he would say), he said no I want to go with you but I can’t since you are working, so I will just go by myself. I pressed him again, "seriously if you don’t want to go by yourself and its really nothing than take her and I can meet up for party after movie when I get off work, plus we can all hang out. He said, I am sure she would be busy it’s short notice. I was floored!! He lied to me about the whole thing twice. I got ready for work, all the while hearing his phone going off over and over. Before I left for work I checked his phone, and he told her rain check on the dinner and a movie for now. When I got home from work I confronted him about the whole thing. I also apologized for violating his privacy but I felt unresolved from our brief talk before bed. He was angry about me looking at his phone. I told him that I understood his emotions but I needed him to stop all contact with her and understand my feelings about the situation. I also encouraged him to lock his phone if he felt it was necessary based on my actions. He did stop contact with her and did start locking his phone.
About 6 months ago, he met a girl at a gig his band was playing on his birthday. We were still having some emotional problems from the Becki situation. They exchanged numbers and started texting. The texting went on for 2 months before I found out about it (from looking at his phone while using it to make a call since mine had a low battery). There were so many texts and they were very flirtatious and she had sent him sexy pics of herself and he had been following her online picture blog. I was mortified. What was going on?!?! We had a huge fight about it for 2 days and was getting no where so I asked him to leave our place to give me some time to think about what was going on and see if I could move together with him. While he was gone (for 3 days) I was miserable without him. All I could think of was how much I wanted him back home with me and our little rescue cat. So I drove to his parent’s house and I told him how much I loved him and that I wanted him to come home if wanted to. We both cried and he came home that night but in the morning told me he could move back until Sunday (3 days away) because he had already agreed to ride with band in van to upcoming gigs. I was sad but tried to understand. We attempted to move forward. It was hard for me, I felt like every time I said anything about my feelings it was a fight between us.
3 days ago, he came home from a gig and I just had a gut feeling that something was up, when he got in the shower I checked his phone. There was a text from a new contact that I had never seen before. -her: "so when are you going to be out this we could put the seats down and have sex on the side of the road? -him: "hotel" -her: "so lets set it up". I was so angry. I asked him to show me his phone, he said angrily "I am so over this phone shit" I said, why are you angry, you were the dishonest one, and if you have really stopped then showing it will just prove how hard you are working toward us moving forward together. He got very quiet. I asked him again and while picking up his phone giving him a chance to own up to his actions. He nodded his head to the phone and I looked. I asked him about it the text, the girl, how they meant, etc. He picked her up at a gig earlier that night, exchanged numbers, flirted all night, and then had that text exchange. I asked him to leave and told him that we have until the end of the month when rent is due for Jan. to figure out what we are going to do.
Please help!!! I love him so much and when he is not excessively drinking at gigs and not dealing with his emotions he is a wonderful man. During the time before his grandpa passed away, I had never felt so happy and secure with someone in my life. I have been cheated on the in the past and spent a long time drinking, partying, and being self-destructive. But I am not that way now and don’t want to be with someone if that is how they are going to be. In my heart of hearts I still see the wonderful man I know he is deep inside.
Where do we go from here?
To begin with, I am going to try to summarize your situation. Your boyfriend of two and half years has been lying to you about his contact with other women. His interactions with these women have been flirtatious and somewhat sexual in nature. All of this has occurred while your sexual relationship with your boyfriend has gone downhill. But, you really want to work things out with him.
For starters, one of the best indicators of how things are going in a romantic relationship is sex. Couples, who are happy with each other, tend to have very active sex lives.
From you question, it sounds like your boyfriend is at the very least thinking/talking about having sex with other people. Unfortunately, this type of situation is very common. Many romantic relationships become difficult to maintain between the 2- to 4-year mark. At the beginning of a relationship, most people experience intense feelings of love. But, after a few years, intense feelings of love begin to fade—the novelty and excitement wears off. When this happens, some people often look for sexual excitement outside of their relationship.
But, after being together for two years, you’ve undoubtedly formed a deep attachment to your boyfriend. And in all likelihood, he’s deeply attached to you. But, love, attachment, and sexual desire are NOT the same thing (see differences between love, attachment, and sexual desire). And this is what makes relationships so difficult to manage.
Given that this situation has happened repeatedly and that you’ve had the same conversation multiple times, it might be time to ask yourself the following: Is this how you want to live?
Assume that things are NOT going to change; can you spend the rest of your life living like this? Some people can. Some people can’t.
Don’t expect him to change, rather focus what you are willing to endure. And you might want to see our response to another question – my husband constantly cheats. It might also help to look at why men cheat.
Hope this helps.
I have my own question to ask
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