Having a difficult time trusting my fiance
I have been with my fiancé for over three years now. He is the most loving, attentive, gentle, kind, caring, affectionate man I know. He was married for 13 years prior to meeting me, which ended in a very ugly divorce.
He became attached to me very quickly—he claims every day I am the best thing that has happened to him besides his children. There is not one day that goes by that I do not know he loves me—he does the little things EVERY day. He is amazing to my family and friends, and a great father.
We live together, along with his children that he has full custody of. We have a great sex life; he genuinely makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
I unfortunately got caught up in the tail end of his divorce, which has come with many added stressors including his crazy ex-wife. My fiancé had a very rough poverty stricken childhood, a father who continuously cheated on his mother, then joined the military to escape it all. He was very close to his mother, and hated his father for putting his mother through the pain of infidelity.
My fiancé’s previous marriage was filled with jealousy and emotional abuse. He reads relationship books, always wants to talk about “feelings”, cuddle, etc. Sometimes we joke that I am the guy in the relationship.
He doesn’t have a lot of friends; the ones I have met use and run him over. He never hangs out with friends—he always just wants to do things with me. He still to this day cannot believe that “a girl like me” ever wanted to be with him.
Up until a year ago, I would have never thought he would be the kind to be unfaithful to me. One evening, I saw sent messages to a woman—one message included a picture of his private part, the other asking if he can see her today. I was enraged and confronted him; he started panicking and threw his phone down, breaking it—saying he had no idea how that picture could have gone to her because he meant to send it to me.
He said she was a cleaning lady (which he had mentioned before), and that he owed her money for a job she did, which is why he sent the text about seeing her. I demanded to meet her, which he said he would arrange through his friend who knows her better. Months went by, fighting daily, without me having the opportunity to meet her. I began digging for evidence—this is when I found bank statements with 3 motel room charges. I also went through phone bills, and found that he called her often for 1 ½ years, but never for more than 2—3 minutes at a time.
My fiancé came to visit me for lunch at work, as we ate in his car, I grabbed his phone and called the woman, she didn’t answer. But then, she kept calling back—and he wouldn’t answer even though I begged him to. After this I told him I was leaving him, which he then told me the “truth”…. He had supposedly been the middle man for one of his friends who was married (the woman is married also). He would forward text messages, arrange their meetings, etc. He admits to lying to me, saying he didn’t want me to tell him he couldn’t be friends with this man anymore.
He holds strong that he has never been unfaithful to me, that he could never give away what’s mine. He has always given me full access to his phone, bank acct / email passwords. It has been a year since this happened and I am still angry,
mostly because I do not feel like I am getting the entire truth.
Some days I feel like the uncertainty and doubt have eroded my love for him, the love that took on his baggage because of the man he was to me. Counseling seems to have
made things worse, as I am still on the fence. The woman and man supposedly involved will not meet me—I keep looking for answers.
His story is so stupid, but on the other hand this could be another friend who took advantage of him. He is self-employed, which means he is on the road frequently out bidding new jobs. With his schedule, it is possible he could have been seeing her during the day, while I am at work.
I am beginning to feel resentful in that why put me through all of your drama if you are going to do such things behind my back? I know I will never get the truth if he was cheating, because he would never want to lose me. The counselor said I either need to move on or break up with him—there is just so much to lose either way.
I deserve and want to know the truth, and WHY…
Response:
All of the research shows that our sex lives are incredibly complicated. When it comes to sexual desire, we often have multiple desires and mixed emotions.
Most people desire sexual intimacy with someone they love. At the same time, most people have the desire for novelty, excitement and sexual diversity (see why men cheat).
These competing emotions can be very difficult for anyone to manage. Often times these competing emotions get played out through sexual fantasies, flirting, pornography, sexting, and so on.
It is hard for people to accept or make sense of their own sexual feelings, let alone a partner’s sexual feelings and desires. So, it should come as no surprise that most people don’t deal with these complex issues in a healthy manner.
For just one minute, try to put yourself in your fiancé shoes. Let’s assume that he loves you dearly, but has sexual feelings for other people from time to time. What is he supposed to do? Ideally, it would be helpful if he could share his feelings with you. If he could do so, he would be less likely to dwell on or act on his feelings.
But, if he did share that with you, it would probably upset you—the last thing he wants to do. So, it is possible that he tries to ignore his feelings and they eventually come out in very unhealthy ways. When this happens, people lie to themselves and others about what is really going on (see why people lie and self-deception).
It is normal for you to want to know the truth. But, if you are going to punish your fiancé for telling the truth, don’t expect him to do so.
You have to be willing to hear the truth, work through your hurt feelings, and work
together as a couple to make your relationship stronger (see talk about problems).
Your relationship sounds fantastic. And in every relationship there will always be issues that emerge.
If you can find a way to fully commit to your relationship, no matter what your fiancé may have done, your fiancé will probably tell you the truth (assuming something happened). But, as long as he fears losing you, he’ll keep quite and your uncertainty will probably get the best of you.
Hope that helps.
cheating boyfriend | denies infidelity | suspect cheating
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