My wife and I have had issues about her flirting with male friends in the past

She seems to not consider some things as flirting, and at least on one occasion the other male sent was hitting on her because he was sure she liked him. Now I find she has a friend at work who she did not mention to me since I was upset about the previous man’s inappropriate texting.

She has been talking to him and texting him for at least 4 months—never mentioning his name and deleting texts etc. We have been in counseling during this time but she still didn’t say anything.

She says my behavior drove her to it. Even after confronting her she still selectively deletes texts.

I hate snooping but I really want to know what’s going on. She says they are just friends and I think the guy might think that as well. But on her part I think it’s an emotional affair.

How do we rebuild trust and let her keep and make friends?


This is a very difficult situation. For starters, your wife may have a very friendly, outgoing personality. And she may feel the need to have a lot of social contacts. Some people are just more naturally outgoing than others. This does not mean that your wife is flirting—she may just be much more social than you prefer.

However, most men mistake a women’s outgoing personality as flirtation. So, while your wife may not be flirting, other men, yourself included, probably think she is.

The best way to deal with this situation is to talk to your wife about how you are feeling. “Confronting” your wife is only going to make the situation worse—leading to more concealment and betrayal (with her wanting to get closer to other people). Discussing the issue with your wife, if done constructively, is more likely to solve the problem.

With that said, we suggest reading the following two sections of the website (when people lie and how to talk about problems).

If you can learn to talk to your wife about this issue in a non-confrontational way—it will probably lead to a better outcome.

Best of luck.

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