Past Comments – Boyfriend continues using online sites

Good luck!
written by Guest, 02 September, 2006

I read the situation and I can say mine is quite similar. My boyfriend also likes to see girls on-line and in the past denied everything even when I showed him proofs. He promised to change, one more empty promise, and before reading the articles on how to talk to a liar, I talked to him (without knowing) just the way I should. Just trying to understand why, without blaming him (even if I wanted to!). He said he likes me and doesn’t mean to hurt me and that he don’t know why he lies or that he lies because he doesn’t want to hurt me (with the truth). And I said that what hurts inside is knowing he lies to me, even after saying to him that I prefer to know whatever the truth is than to be kept blind. Just a couple of weeks ago we kind of decided to put an end because we both were getting hurt and that’s now way of living. But the days were hell and here I am now, writing in his computer, in his house... Seems he really likes me, he says... Well, I’ve been noticing that now he’s been answering me with the truth, even if not very enthusiastic but mostly with a guilty look. And my reaction is something like: hmm... ok, just glad you told the truth. And I know the least I insist, the more he tends to be honest. So, moral of the story? I guess he doesn’t lie to hurt me but he doesn’t understand that his lies do hurt, maybe more than the truth. I’ve been talking to one of his ex-girlfriends and it seems he hasn’t changed in 6 years. The funny thing is that you can’t imagine what kind of person he is when you look at him; he seems such a nice person... All of my friends think I’m a fool for even keeping contact with him, imagine the rest! I just say, why not just let it be? In the worst possibility I’m just letting the love die and keeping the friendship (if possible). Because he can be the best of friends but the worst of boyfriends, know what I mean? It’s not the first time I suffer a heart deception and with my luck it probably won??t be my last, but now I can use more of my head instead of my heart (but still not all of it!). So, if it’s meant to be, he has to change and I have to change too. If it has to have an end, hope it is as painless as possible. I just have to keep on living, for better or worst, and I know I have friends that will stand by me, comforting me with my decisions. So, for everyone suffering out there, believe in yourselves, don’t give a big deal for someone that can’t make you happy, you deserve more. And especially, don’t live in the past, it’s the future you have to worry with. And by the way, all the articles I read on the subject "lies", "deception", etc, I’m the living proof and could have wrote it myself. Best of lucks to all!

written by Tanyajt03, 06 November, 2006

I can totally relate to you in this case. I have found my boyfriend on several ratings sites, and on them he said he was "single." I did snoop through his AOL and Yahoo Messenger, and found messages from other girls. One time, he was talking to her dirty and about things that turn him on. When I confronted him, he said he just did it for fun.
I even found pictures of girls in his e-mail because I was snooping. I know what they say, if you snoop, you might find something that you’re not ready for.

Each time I said to myself that I would never be with someone who lies to me, but here I am forgiving for the too many times that he has lied to me.

My best advice to anybody is to get out of a relationship where your partner is lying to you while you can. Don’t let it get into a deep, serious relationship. All they will do is to continue what they’re doing, only hide it better as the previous person said.

My boyfriend puts a lock code on his phone, and his computer, so I no longer can look through it.
Yes this might seem to him a way for me to respect his privacy, but it also makes think worse about what he’s really doing.

Move on because it never ends
written by life_cheers, 26 November, 2006

I can totally relate in this situation because the same problem has been going on for 5 years and I never went out with anyone else. There was an agreement of limitation which did not work. During the 5 year relationship, I ended up seeing 3 therapists. Bottom line – it has never changed and I suddenly called it quits by end of Oct 06 and move by 8 Nov 06. Before I was even out of the house, he was already on-line looking for women to date and fabricated so many stories to different ones. I went and check in his e-mail and IM archives to check what was going on and he eventually locked me out. He never came clean on what was going on and so I removed myself emotionally, physically, and mentally. I hope he reaps what he sows. Right when I moved out he already had someone else lined up from his IM conversations. So what is the best revenge in dealing with the internet predators?

Internet influence
written by Secretotheheart, 27 November, 2006

I have been getting to know someone in my state from online whose intentions I thought I knew. However, I also feel that this person has divided his interest by also "playing the field" online with others. If that was his intention then he either misrepresented himself and is not really serious about a stable relationship or he isn’t willing enough to give me the respect and honesty that goes along with building something of value.

If your boyfriend’s intentions were caring, he would consider your hurt and examine himself to see where his goals lie, and be forthcoming enough to tell you that he is not interested in anything serious. Also, if he values what you both have built thus far, he would be honest with you about his behavior -- whether he is the type who needs affirmations or an ego boost from many different types of women, whether he is looking for intimate gratification that is not committal on his part or whatever other satisfaction he seeks. From the standpoint of relationship value, a person who is willingly hurtful and easily enticed by other women is less than what you deserve. In previous dating, I am sorry to say that patterns repeat themselves and often run true to form. I am very open in my dealings and feel that fickleness stains the purity of two people’s growing bond. To me, the most valued marks of a man are loyalty and maturity.

I gave an honest decree of my feelings in my situation and let this person be aware that if he felt the need to seek out others, that he should continue to seek what would suit him and not count on me standing by. That was quite a painful statement in view of the emotional interest I allowed to build. I valued our friendship and what was beginning. To my surprise, it has given a different slant to our dealings. He seems to respect me more now, although it may be a matter of him cloaking his tracks better. Lack of trust might cause one to suspect the worst.

Although the infraction has changed my feelings about him somewhat, I also understand that people may not consider the feelings of others in their behaviors. At the time of this writing, I still haven’t been honest with him in saying I didn’t want to see him because my feelings have changed. I have lost the ability to emotionally make further investment. I still respect his achievements and his ideas and enjoy knowing about his life. The foundation of emotional intimacy is to be able to relate to each other honestly. I let things build without that foundation in place.

I do not envy anyone in this situation. I hope that understanding will guide you to do what is right for yourself. May you always be guided by truth. Listen to the voice in your heart.

thank you
written by notmilk, 01 December, 2006

All of your advice has been really helpful. I just want to let everyone know that it has really helped me to address some problems in my current situation and although it sucks, it’s nice to know that I am not alone.

written by DD, 24 February, 2007

I too have a trust issue. My boyfriend of 10 months and we live together, has been talking on his cell phone with various women from online. I’ve seen his phone bill and have called 2 of them out of curiosity. They both told me that they have phone sex with my b/f. He denies it. We’ve only had sex one time in the 10 months we’ve been together. He is distant with me. He tells me he loves me everyday. We don’t go out and he has never acknowledged my birthday, Christmas or Valentine’s Day. He is not intimate with me either. He tells me he doesn’t talk to those women anymore, but I have a strong feeling he is. What should I do?

written by Prowler, 21 May, 2007

Trust issue, love issue, sex issue, getting close issue, fear. I was going through some very traumatic times in my life that involved immediate family members and a failed marriage. I worked harder and became community orientated. Although I excelled in everything, everyone knows me, adores, admires, loves me, they don’t see my tears my loneliness when I go home.
Accidently, I met this guy online through a friend. I stayed clear away but chatted to him sometimes. He was very nice, I can never explain what happened but after seven months, I became centered into him and blocking out the problems of my real life. He helped me with everything it was unreal. He was on the phone every morning at 5:00 a.m., I can’t even begin to tell you the scam this man pulled off to earn my trust and my love. I can’t understand why he even put up with me that long.
Meeting him in person was 2.5 years later. Imagine seeing the man you have cammed with, been on the phone with. This man talked to me on my cell from a 300 mile trip until I reached home. I have never felt this way about anyone in my life. It overwhelmed me. I told him I distrusted. He was hellbent on having me trust him and darn if he didn’t. I have never done anything so insane in my life but I met him in person on Valentine’s weekend.
The next month, I drove the two states to spend longer time with him, each month longer.

In May, I rented an apartment there for three months while he lived with me. I went to family picnic, had his children every other weekend (I have no children and these were teenagers). Sex was incredible. He was fantastic and then it started going downhill as I started to pack to go home to sell my home and return forever.

He stopped calling, he refused to talk to me online, he informed me that he lied to me the whole time. I was devestated. Ashammed, as he had come to my state twice with me and met my friends and my doctor. Why? He continued for eight months text messaging me, telephoning me to come get what was mine. Three months later, he turned 40. (I am older than him). I asked him if I could celebrate his b/d with him. He said YES! I drove the long drive and for the first time he was not waiting for me. I fell apart in the bathroom crying when he walked in. He took me in his arms rocked me and then made love to me. But nothing was the same. He came at 9 p.m. to the hotel and left at 6.30 a.m. for work. I stayed a week just to see the kids and be there for his b/d as I arrived early.

Two days after I returned home, a woman contacted me about her and him that he was living with her. Again, crushed. He has lied, manilupated and cheated me so many times. I have not seen him for seven months, I don’t want to ever see him again. I want him gone forever. I have isolated myself and I am so damn hurt.

written by tee tee, 15 June, 2007

wow... I am going through this RIGHT NOW... and I am not sure how to handle it... my boyfriend says he wants to slowly make things right w/ me again and wants me... but even still... I see him writing to women... I still have his password and code... he didn’t log out of his email and I was able to get into it by looking at links past so I could get on something else..
It hurts badly... I have even opened an account on one of the sites he is on to see if he will catch the bait... and you know what... he viewed "her" profile today and then said "how are you today?"... is this the start to more drama?
I met him online as well... and ever since we met... we had been going full force together...
and he thinks maybe we didn’t take much time to really get to know each other.. I don’t know... but i would sure like some more advice and hear more people... I am so glad I am NOT the only one.

written by sad, 25 July, 2007

This is so sad, even tho I’m glad I found this site. Same story here, have been with bf a year and a half after meeting online. It was on and half for about 9 months, he’d disappear for days or weeks and always come back with some story of drama in his life. But then came back between the holidays last year and told me I was "the one" and he wanted to commit to being in the relationship.

About a month ago, he disappeared and had claimed that his phone was shut off and hadn’t gotten a new svc yet. I tracked him down at work after finding he was on some sex networking site. We talked and he apologized profusely, said he was scared of getting hurt and all the same lines we’ve all heard. After finding the profile still up after he’d sworn to take it down, dug further and found him on AFF. Advertising himself for all sorts of fun and posting a lot of nasty stuff, giving out his phone number. He claims it’s just goofing off and something to do when bored, but is that even remotely a reason?? So far I have let him talk me into "working it out" but he was just online there and the ad remains even tho he again swore he would take it all down.

This sucks. Is this what life has become now that every fantasy and impulse can be indulged by hundreds of freaks at a moment’s notice??

written by Elouise, 21 August, 2007

Have just read all the replies etc on here and found it so incredibly upsetting. This is yet another facet of 21st Century ‘life’ that us women (and lets face it girls – it is mostly the men doing this to US), have to deal with and be prepared for.

INFURIATINGLY, I write as the ‘other woman’ i.e. the one that the longterm and ‘pregnant’ girlfriend found out about. I met this guy through an online dating site, he was in the military and made himself out to be every girl’s dream – the sentimental, lovable, caring, gorgeous and manly ‘warrior’ type. Professed that he’d fallen for me ‘HARD’, and even offered to pay for the 2,000 mile flight to go stay with him (which thanks to my common sense, I declined).

I really fell for this guy and told myself that if I genuinely meant anything to him, he’d make the journey to see me instead... which of course he never did. The emailing, phone calling and webcamming etc went on for quite a few months with various blips of non-contact. During these times I’d ask if he was ‘through’ with ‘us’ or had met someone etc as I wanted it to end then, and he always made up some ‘HELL NO’ excuse (you know the sort...).

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I got a phone call from him a few months ago, in the early hours of the morning, saying he’d been with someone for ages, she was pregnant and that he’d been stringing me along. I could hear this woman in the background of the phone call and I have to say that I felt absolutely MORTIFIED to be involved in a triangle dynamic of this sort and to have unknowingly caused an innocent person a great deal of pain and heartache. This is especially raw for me as I had to divorce my husband for adultery and violent abuse a few years back.

I felt heartily sorry for the woman he was/is involved with and so damn stupid and naive for letting myself get into this situation in the first place and being so trusting of this man. I’m thankful that I listened to my common sense though and didn’t take that aforementioned journey or it might’ve been me on the receiving end of yet another cheater instead.

Some people just need castrating I think – hats off to you all and ‘arse’ to naivety girls! xx

written by moontree, 06 October, 2007

I recently found out from one of his friends network website profile, that he has contacted a few girls and added them into his list. For sure, he never mention that to me, even about him joining the website. Plus, his status is set to ‘single’ and ‘looking for what I can get’. Then I also found that his ex send him a request to add her into his friends list (another friends network website). The request email was in his mailbox, he read it and purposely put under the folder named as ‘job hunt’. I felt betrayed, because we promised to tell everything about our contacts (online or offline) with people of our opposite sex to each other. Because, we consider this as a sharing of our friendship with other people. I’ve no question of him being friends with other girls, but if he’s acting so secretive, I guess it’s just something fishy. I tell him everything about myself, but clearly he’s keeping things from me. The cheating part is bad enough, but the most hurtful thing is he betrayed my trust and I simply don’t know how to treat him as I used to anymore.

written by Sad eyed girl, 09 January, 2008

I knew that I wasn’t alone even before I read all the posts. I too am in the same situation. Hes lied to be from the get go. First telling me that he only had 1 child when he had 3 – I found out 6 months into our relationship. Then he had an online affair and since then periodically he has been on and off singles sites and lying to me about various other things. I caught him just recently and he denied it point blank. He looked me in the eye and said that it wasn’t him, that I was pathological, paranoid, etc. He had a breakdown (probably due to his guilt) and went to a therapist who told him that he has to come clean with me. He did and I found out a whole lot more. The trust with us has been broken from the start. I never trusted him after the first couple of incidences and have constantly accused him of being online, chatting with other people, etc. And all along I was right. He wants me to put it behind us and take his ‘word’ for it but will still not allow me access to his computer of cell phone because it makes him uneasy and it is also an invasion of his privacy. WTF?? I have tried to tell him that in order for me to believe him, he has an obligation to reveal with proof that he is in fact being honest with me and wants this to work. He has made no real concessions to this whatsoever – instead he says that the fact the he deleted his singles site profile, told me about a secret email account that he used, and told me about one other site that he was on he is redeemed and being upfront with me. We have tried counseling only to be told by him that he was going there to support me. HA! Since he’s been found out just recently, he now wants to see a someone but I’m, hesitant. Will it be relevant? He has also told me that I have to put the past behind us and start fresh. Basically just forgive him for what he has done and move forward. How can I do that if the trust that was broken in the first place was never regained? And since then he has lied about a lot. I sent him an article about how to regain trust and how long it takes only to have him say, "Interesting" and that he needed time to figure out a way to do that, that will make us both happy.

I know that I have pushed him away by the constant accusations but I had every right to do that as it never stopped. Because of my brutish behavior, he was driven to finding people to talk to as an ego boost and to get ‘something’ that he was not getting from me.

It’s gotten to the point now that I just don’t care anymore. Until he realizes that he messed up and NEEDS to restore the trust and commitment, I’m done. It used to pain me to think about him being with someone else as in his new relationship, he MAY change and have something that I could have had but I just try not to think about it. I sometimes think that just maybe if I went back and was the loving g/f, it would change and he would stop it altogether. That is what I am struggling with at this very moment. But by the sounds of the research I have done, a leopard can’t change his spots.

I understand what you all are going through, and it’s hard to change and leave behind what could be such a wonderful union but when trust is broken and the other person will not reciprocate what is required, there is no point. I’m still trying to convince myself of that......

I wish the best of luck to all you who are in the same I am. Be strong – Girl Power!

written by MujerConCurvas, 01 February, 2008

I had a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I met him online. At the time, he was separated from his wife and still to this date he has not even filed for the divorce. This relationship has been like if I got on a roller coaster ride. During his time with me, he had three relationships with other women he met online. We would break up and get back together. His cell phone would ring like crazy and that was due to all the women that he met on the internet, would call him. He would not answer when I was around saying that he did not answer blocked calls. Well, I tried calling myself block and he picked it up. The last straw was when one of those previous liaisons, call and left him a message that they had much pleasure when he called her. I was able to get into his voice mail on his cell. That was it! I went to his home and took every piece that was mine and left. The only thing that I left behind was a note about it and telling him, that his problem is lying and a cheater. Believe me, right now it is very hard because you put all your hope in working out a relationship, but one is better off. There is something much better out there in the world. Plus, this is not the only man with two feet on this earth. Listen up ladies, if you are in a kind of relationship, as I was, walk out with dignity. Respect yourself because if you don’t who will. Good luck and have courage to do what you have to do. Some men do not change......

written by xe, 14 March, 2008

My significant other said he wanted to join ALT just to watch people having sex on webcam or photos. I didn’t care if he looked but when he first got it he emailed about 7 different couples 3 from our state saying that him and his fiance would like to get to know them and that he thought the woman was cute and I thought the husband was cute. I got very angry with him for this and told him that I thought that was very inappropriate. He said it wasn’t that big a deal and he was just going to exchange emails. Right. I told him I’m not stupid and why would he email people from our town and tell them we are attracted to them. He hasn’t emailed anyone since but I know he wants to. It hurt me pretty bad. He wanted to get a webcam but I refused. He still watches the webcams but hasn’t emailed anyone. He told me that he and his ex were swingers and it wrecked their marriage. I don’t think he has it out of his system. He doesn’t see a problem with emailing other people and sometimes throws it up to me that I won’t let him. I told him I can’t stop him but I will ask him to leave since I want no part of it. Sex to me includes intimacy passion and love.

written by Sad & Lonely, 26 March, 2008

I’m starting to think that all these men graduated from the same class. I too have a situation so similar to everyone here. I met him online, whirlwind romance, was inseparable and then moved in together after a short while. It all started with text messages and phone calls from females that I had issues with. Then I found out that he still had profiles up – SEVERAL of them and he was still active on them. Had several conversations with these women that he has met. When confronted he says it wasn’t nothing just guy talk etc...I have told him how it makes me feel and he says all the right things and then it starts all over again. I have busted him again on onlinebootycall, migente, hi5, yahoo etc... I have asked him to take the profiles down and he says he will, however he hasn’t made a move to do so. He really is a good boyfriend and I love him so, but this issue is making me crazy. I find myself trying to find other sites that he may be on. I know this is unhealthy for me, but I do not know what to do>??

written by loser, 16 September, 2008

Hi all. Just wanted to share a man’s side of the dynamic here. Everything that’s been written about here I have done. I have cheated on my wife (she has not found out... yet), I have been on dating websites (she has found out about that), I have been in contact with my ex (wife found out about that but I lied about the situation so that she didn’t think I was contacting her), and I have been caught out in other lies.

To be honest I don’t know why I do any of these things. I’m smart intelligent and able to see right and wrong in almost any walk of life. Yet when I apply that standard to myself I fail to uphold the law! After I have slept with another woman I feel empty and guilty and yet after a few months I go back and do it again. The lust gets in me and its uncontrollable. Sex with my wife (whilst its loving and emotional) isn’t all that despite me trying my best to spice things up. She wants to try new things in the bedroom but shes too self-conscious and shes always too tense. No matter how much time I’ve spent trying to relax her and just be sensual. We have never done anything apart missionary and even then her legs wont be on the outside! Still it’s not her fault. The blame rests with me! I should be in control. As for the lying – after being caught out in a lie last month I’ve been searching for a way to make amends. I can’t bear to loose her though I know in my heart I deserve to. I know I’m being selfish and I want to change my ways. I’ve signed up for some therapy. I really want this therapy to work. I used to worry about the stigma attached to being divorced and how I would be viewed by friends and family if the whole truth came out. Now I’m more upset about losing my wife. For the past few weeks we have been strangers in bed and I miss holding her so much it’s killing me. And still I have no one to blame but myself.

The whole point of this comment isn’t to defend men but to add another dimension to people’s thoughts. Not everyone has the same definition of truth. Some lie more than others. In my case, I am a habitual liar. I am looking at the root cause of my lies and am hoping to find a reason soon before its too late. No matter what though I owe it to my wife to strive to be worth of her.

Some guys aren’t all that bad. I am not an evil person, but I’ll be honest (for the first time) and same that I am a liar and a cheat.

Not every man is like that. Some are just liars because they don’t know any better and it takes a while for our stupid heads to realize we need help. Some are malicious liars though. I guess it comes down to asking or accepting help. If you think your man is just a liar and can’t realize he’s doing it then maybe he just needs support and help to get to therapy. If he is malicious then you need to leave!

All that any one of us can do in this life is try and atone for all the bad we have all done. Some of us keep committing sins but like the saying goes, why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up!

written by Unsure about love, 01 January, 2009

I’m in a similar situation. However, my boyfriend doesn’t display any of the typical signs one would see if your boyfriend were cheating online or otherwise. He knows I know his email password, and passwords for all his other social networking sites.

He’s never protective over the computer or phone. But, the other day I was snooping and found a completed registration email for adult friend finder in his inbox. It was previously opened so he must have known about it. I looked at the profile and everything on it was filled out. And it said he was single and interested in women for 1 on 1 sex.

I confronted him about it and he adamantly denied it. I want to believe him. He is one of the best boyfriends a girl could have, but this was a serious bump in the road. Why would this email be sent and it opened by him and the profile filled out?

Right now we’re still together. But I’m keeping a close watch...just in case.

written by stupidmen!!, 25 January, 2010

Honestly my husband and I have been dealing with this for quite some time. He claims he doesn’t know why he does it. It took me a while to figure it out. It made me feel bad about myself, and really insecure. But all of the women he contacted online, were no better than me. (Not to sound conceited). Thats what really messed with me...I’m really pretty, and its not like I wasn’t being intimate almost everyday...So I figured it out, my husband is so insecure about himself, that it makes him feel better about himself to get attention from lower standard women that he knows won’t reject him. I love my husband more than anything, but people have told me, including his own family members, that i am way too pretty and way to nice for him. I think it makes him feel bad about himself. So i think he gets on plenty of fish and adult friend finder to fish for compliments and make himself feel better. And the simple fact of hurting me, I think it makes him feel in control. So he agreed that he would put Norton Family Safety on his computer so I could see everything he does. From websites he goes to, to even the things he types into the search engine. I allow him to use myspace, but I have his password. I told him if he didn’t do it I would leave. I then made profiles of a girl that he used to date and started messaging him, sure enough! He ignored her message, and blocked her from myspace. What a shocker, Im hoping for the best. And hoping I dont always have to monitor what he does! It made me feel a little better after all of the lies and talking to women online. Now maybe he realizes he wont find anyone better than me on some trashy fling site.

written by Rosena, 12 March, 2010

I am full term pregnant and just found out my partner of almost three years has joined TEN of these adult sites, describing himself as single. I created a dummy profile and pretended in chat to want to meet up with him, he said he would be up for meeting up with me. I have read emails where girls have sent him explicit pics of themselves and he seems to have joined them around the time we stopped having sex (his excuse was that i was getting too big and he was afraid of hurting me). He doesnt know i know yet and for over a week i have been emotionally exhausted crying every day. I love him dearly but dread facing him with this cos i know i have to break up with him. I am so paranoid now about him meeting or having met someone off these sites. HELP

written by Winters, 23 September, 2011

I have been married for 25years, together for 30 and have recently found my husband had a yahoo account for 9 years chatting to women on all kinds of dating sights. He made a mistake and added his email I check for him while he is away at work. He works in other countries so we are apart a lot. A lot of these exchanged emails are talking about what he is like and what he wants in a women. He has filled out profiles on at least 10 different hookup sights. In Feb/11 a lovecity.com profile of him came to his email I check for him (he made a vital mistake here) and I confronted him, flew overseas to be with him and he promised it was just games and never happen again...well fast forward to July/11 and he was at it again. This time I found it on his work Blackbery!! Wanting to hook up with women..even gave his cell ph#!! Sorry again!! But I knew there were more skeletons so I started to investigate on different emails he might have...sure enough I found one from 2002 that he has been using to contact these online sights and women!! My heart was crushed. He begged/pleaded that he would NEVER go on these sights again. He apparently was puking he felt so bad and scared that I was leaving him.I am such a mess and do not know what to do. I am sitting in a foreign country with him(he goes to work everyday) and my mind is so confused. He treats me like a queen but I do NOT trust him anymore not even for a minute. I want to leave because I am so tired of all the bullshit through the years (other issues besides girls..drugs/alcohol)but I’m afraid of being alone and that he will change and somebody else will get the best of him..not me! Any advice would be appreciated..I feel so foolish for staying. HELP

written by Mango, 27 October, 2011

Winters – He treats you like a queen. He said what he is looking for in a woman, but is he saying he has not found it in you. You seems to love him and dont want to leave to be alone and trust me you might go from frying pan to fire. I say lower your emotions and learn to separate your hearts feelings and emotions – keep your affairs to yourself and leave your girlfriends out of it. Its time you woman up and start living like a man. I am an a vengeance now since the same thing happend to me. In order to bust him, find out his screen name and set up a date with hi. Need more info reply...Often walking away is too easy – there is a lesson for him to and other deceptors to learn without being physical.

written by onlinecheatersneverstop, 25 November, 2011

Your absolutely right Mango...they take the bait every time...mine showed up...took his picture and still denied it...

written by hlindsey, 05 January, 2012

I have the same problem, but my boyfriend is talking to men. I already knew that he was bisexual and had been with men before but he said it had only been twice and purely sexual. This was all fine, i dont care what his sexuality is as long as when he is with me, he is with only me. I was looking through his phone at what games and apps he had, and I found one called ebuddy. I clicked it and a load of conversations came up that he had been having with gay men and they where of a very sexual nature. I read through and was shaking with upset and anger. I spoke to him about it and he kicked off because I invaded his privacy and he was embarrassed, once everything had calmed down we talked rationally and I explained how it made me feel. Prior to this I had found text messages on his phone between him and a girl he works with, they where of a sexual and romantic nature. I spoke to him about it and he cried, said he didn’t know why he did it and that it would never happen again, but now this has happened. I found out about the men 4 months ago, he deleted ebuddy from his phone and promised yet again.
But the trust was well and truly broken. I know his Facebook password and it didn’t take much to realize it would also be his email password. So I had a look. He is actively using swinging heaven.com, adult friend finder.com, and a couple of other swinger and gay websites. I asked him if he used these sites and he said he used to buy doesn’t any more.
Since then he has added ebuddy to his phone again, I created a fake profile and chatted to him and we discussed meeting up for sex, so he’s obviously still used it, and through his email I can see that he still is active on the swingers website.
We had a big fight the other week and he said he didn’t see it as wrong or cheating to have sec talk and texts and exchange pics with these men. I told him I did, and I had to set that boundary, of he wants to do it he would have to let me go and he absolutely promised he would stop. I just checked his email and he is still logging into swinging heaven
I don’t know what to do

written by motherandwife, 06 March, 2012

Im going through the same thing!
Me & my boyfriend have been together 4 years and i live with our 17month old son and he lives with his father!
When i was 7 months pregnant i found a message to a girl he said he wasnt intrested in telling her how beautiful she was and calling me names!
I should have left than but i really had no idea what was going on, i stuck it out and when our son was 6 months old i got suspicious because he was never around and being so distant, so i checked his facebook.
What i found disgusted me, he had sent out OVER FIFTY messages to all different girls and some he had been hitting on for quite some time! It hurt my feelings to see he had told so many girls nothing about my son or myself and that he would tell them 20x in 3 messages how beautiful they were!
In october my son turned 1 and his father was the only one who missed his birthday which was 3 days before halloween, on halloween my little 17 year old sister comes to me and says "hes messaged sevral of my friends and some are 15 years old!" So i looked and he sure did, one 15 year old he kept telling he was jelouse of her boyfriend and was asking sevral if they want special friends and hes 21!
I was mortified! We broke up right away, but after afew days i took him back and believed his promises and claims to let me check up on him, he gave me his password and that was that, or at least until i found his secret facebook account!
To make a long story short, i thought his compliments to these mostly underage girls were our biggest problem, until i found the tagged account!
I made a fake account and did nothing, just waited and sure enough within 24hours he found me! He started with a and said he was single and didnt mention our son, pretended to have his own house and a fake life complete with a decent car and job! He was friendly the first day but the second day started sending me nude photos(i didnt ask or lead him on) and hed get up at 8am to take to this "girl" but not get up before noon any other time and compared her to me saying "my ex i knew since childhood and i grew into liking her but you i liked right away!"
Hes told her hes slept with more people than i knew of and i dont evn know whats lies and whats truth anymore,
Ive been in love with this man maybe i first met him 7 years ago, but this is way out of hand, i know i need the strength to leave this pathetic loser but my heart still hurts for him!
This guy can look me in the eyes and lie and he says he does it for the reaction and has a problem and needs my help, yet he wont live with me, wont ever admit to it even if the proof is in his face and dosnt even stop long enough for his fake apologies to seem real.
I was at his place last weekend when he pretty much sentme to bed and started messaging the fake account i had set up when i only see him 2 nights a week and he had been chatting with that account all week instead of me!

Heres what i think; while the love of my life has been so busy neglecting our relationship because hes trying so hard with other girls he hasnt been holding up his half of the relationship, seriously what guy can tell a 15 year old shes beautiful so many times but not say that to his wife in over a year! ve decided to move on with my life and heres how ive been going about it;
First, i kept convos between him and other girls for when i miss him i can read them over,
Secondly, when i really miss him i log into my fake account and watch him be his sleezy self which is a great reminder after all the apologies and promises to stop.
Thirdly, i ignore any messages emails or texts.
Its been 1 week since i have spoken to him, its been hard and will be since i cant ignore him forever but women deserve more respect and im not going through this again!
Sorry for the poor spelling and grammar, its 5am and i havent slept!

written by Yaz, 31 August, 2012

There’s nothing wrong with us if we decide to leave them because no matter what we may be like, even how difficult at times, we do not deserve to be lied to and disrespected like that. His attention is elsewhere and it really is his loss. Even if you have a home together people will support you leaving him, especially if you tell them he’s cheated because nobody likes a lying cheat. Think of all the years, or potential years, of keeping him pleased by letting him get away with it. Doesn’t matter how we look because we are bound to feel insecure after. If he’s doing this to you he’ll be doing it to the next person. He won’t change or suddenly appreciate you over night. They get away with it so easily!
Men have had and always will have fantasies however it’s wrong of them to get carried away. How can they just forget about us so easily like that? Block us out to do that. That’s not love. That’s spiteful. We shouldn’t snoop to be fair however there shouldn’t be anything hurtful to find. We judge these men by their intentions too. My one that did will never be forgiven, especially because he told me he prefers them over me. He can get stuffed. I feel relieved knowing I’ve caught him out and can have a good enough excuse to walk away. It’s nothing I’ve done, it’s him and his selfishness.

We honestly deserve better!!

written by SGSG, 06 September, 2012

wow this is all so true. I’ve been with my bf for 11 months now and I caught him talking to other girls online/texting them too. when I confronted him he said he d id it out of boredom because he doesn’t have a Facebook or other social site to go to when he’s bored at home. after talking to him more about it he said he would never do it again. I caught him the next month doing it again and really just asked if it was me lacking something in the relationship making him need to reach out to other women for attention. he said no, and apologized again saying it was the last time. he’s brought me around his family and we’ve talked about our future multiple times but I don’t know how things are supposed to work when I have this lingering feeling of him talking to other girls. I haven’t looked at his phone in a while so I do not know if he’s talking to anyone else. I know they say once a cheater always a cheater but I genuinely love this guy and want it to work. Am I stupid for staying with him?

written by BettyB, 21 September, 2012

I feel so badly for everyone here. I, too, have had the misfortune of discovering my SO has been cheating on me and it’s rampant as it is described by so many others. It seems like some compulsive tick they have. They can’t not do it. I would say most of them are narcissistic jerks. They don’t think of other people’s feelings. They can’t grasp how this affects us. I am in the process of leaving mine. I didn’t even tell him I knew about the cheating. I did confront him at one point but he flew into a rage and lied and lied. I’m leaving because the relationship is the shell of one. You cant’ be with someone who is only giving you a percent of themselves because they are so devoted to securing outside admiration. Isn’t there more to life than propping up your fragile ego? I don’t know about you guys, but leaving, for me, is the only option. I have been out of contact with him for going on over 2 weeks, and I find I’m happier and more at peace not having to worry about who he might be with,chatting with,sleeping with, etc. I do think these cheaters have some sort of pathology. There is no helping them, just get away, the sooner the better. My heart goes out to the women, pregnant, or with children, going through this though. But trust me, you will be so much happier down the road if you leave.

written by wow., 15 November, 2012

This is great, I feel like all of you guys know what I have to put up with. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years almost 6... up to this day, he still looks at adult friend finder and all of that bullcrap.. I really don’t know how to stop it. Makes me feel like I’m not good enough.. I’m seriously going to give it a quit... it gets tiring.

written by Numb, 18 November, 2012

Ive ready all of your comments and its comforting to know i am not alone in this. My bf has and I am together 3 yrs now and i recently found him messaging women on fb asking them out etc. I confronted him and he said its was nothing and he didn’t expect them to go out with him. So why ask then? He said only I think he’s hot and sexy etc...I really love him and want to make it work and just understand you know. I suggested we take a month break and for him to go out and see what’s it like out there and if he finds anyone that interest him. I know i am taking a big risk but better now than later down the line if we get married and have kids etc...What do you all think should I have just broken up and said go riddance or take this risk and have us even stronger for the road ahead?

written by Roxxtstar, 19 November, 2012

I recently found out my bf has been doing this. He tries to blame me bc months ago he found out i was still talking to guys that i personally didn’t know but would txt and chat...i wasn’t in love w/ my bf at the time and I knew he was doing this too bc i saw some messages so i figured if he could, why cant i...bad move. now he thinks its ok, he tells me he does it bc hes bored but yet will message girls while we are together...doesn’t seem like boredom to me...he has been hurt in the past i understand but still...why do it to someone else...know he tells me he doesn’t care if i trust him, doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. he wants me to get over it bc its life and i cant change or control anything. he is a manipulator and big time liar. i knew he flirted but to the extent i found out, i didn’t know. i was not doing anything as bad as he was. plus he had said it was girls that didn’t live around here, he only did it with girls that lived too far or overseas...but it wasn’t, it was girls he actually had hooked up w/ before me and girls that clearly still want him...i’m destroyed by this...his sister says we are so good together and that i need to show him he can trust me but idk if that will help...i love him, i really do...but like some of you have said, i just don’t feel like i’m enough or good enough for him...i wish you all the best...we don’t deserve this from these asses yet its so hard to let go when your feelings are involved.

written by ...., 29 December, 2012

I’m in the same situation idk what to do anymore.. because we just went through a 2 week break up period. we just got back together because, He said that he was depressed and that he didn’t want to lose me, so he said he deleted everything, it was craiglist and all of this bullshit dating sites. He has promised that he will not do that again... but unfortunately I just recently found out another dating hookup site where he has all of his pictures out there and he chats and says nasty things... he says " like we met last time" ... i dk if he has already cheated on me. But this is scary .. and im a mature person and i dont want to act irrationally.. i feel like he just chats for the thrill of it.... and Ive been wanting to work it out because he is sweet and I know he does love me.. but what is it with this lying? what should I do?

written by AlyMoni, 07 January, 2013

I don’t even know where to start.

I’ve been in this situation for two years...Three years, this March. Our start wasn’t a usual one, wasn’t an expected one, but it started and went on like a whirlwind. We moved in together, albeit through not-so-auspicious means, but it brought us closer.

...And then the messages started.

I’m an actress in a theatre company. So, part of my job, is to play a character, and that character may (or may not) have romantic attachments. I could understand why he wouldn’t come see the shows with such, as it was hard for him to watch me kiss another man, even if it wasn’t real. To him, it felt real. My hours were late, whether set-building, vocal rehearsals or blocking, and he was working odd hours, so our schedules--for a while, at least--were more like ships passing in the night.

Now, to set this up, my boyfriend is not a technological person. Never has been. But, when he started dating me, given I’m big into technology as it also comes with my job (I do behind the scenes work, when not on-stage), he started getting into it. He hadn’t had a facebook before he met me, and I helped him set one up. He had no laptop, so he often used mine, as well as my iPod to view the internet and his account. He hadn’t had a cellphone, but I needed to be able to contact him and vice versa, for such late schedules, as he’s unable to drive.

I feel like I’m partially to blame for all of this...Or, I was, at first.

He’d started talking to a girl he’d gone to high school with. She was a couple years younger than him, but he’d known her through one of his buddies, had often seen her while hanging out with the aforementioned buddy. I didn’t think anything of it.

But, one day, he’d asked me how to do something on facebook, so I popped on his to show him how...and a new message popped up from her. Apparently she was outlining what someone was doing to her at that moment...and he was all into it.

...So I confronted him. He couldn’t look me in the eye, couldn’t speak higher than a mumbled, quiet reply to anything I asked him. He’d sent pictures and she’d sent some in return. And, in a fit of anger, I sent her a nasty reply (from his account, mind you), and blocked her from his page.

We moved passed it, or I thought we had. Based on lies, and hollow promises. He swore he’d change, that he’d stop. That he’d sought her out when I was depressed and he’d needed someone to show more interest in him.

I forgave it...He’d cried, and I’d stupidly bought each lie he fed to me.

Months passed...I thought we’d finally reached a point where things had gotten better, that we were back to the way things were pre-indiscretion...Only to find, he’d gone outside of facebook for the new ones this time. Multiple sites, accounts, claiming it was nothing but words, that words didn’t really matter. Still, he was using my own technology against me, connecting with all these girls I was nothing like.

What made it worse? All the while, I’d been trying to get passed my mental block about sex; Having been almost raped, I couldn’t get that full physical connection with him. We’d have oral, we’d tease...I even tried something else I was against to try and satisfy him until I could give myself to him completely.

...He did it again...with more...and I just found out last night, he was at it again. New sites, new girls. Only this time...he was using the laptop I’d allowed him to use, set it up basically for him, given I had gotten one for Christmas.

It hurts. It hurts more than I could even imagine. He swears he cares for me, that he loves me...but he doesn’t care enough to not continuously hurt me. He always told me he was nothing like my ex, but, turns out...

And I hate myself for staying. I convince myself he’ll change, that he really meant it this time, that things will be different....And each betrayal kills a new part of me. Each time he looks for that with another girl, each time he shows her what only I should be seeing, each time he seeks for that intimacy we should be sharing...

It puts me that much further back in being able to overcome what I need to be with him so completely.

...Then he makes me feel worse when he says I don’t look at him the same way...

But I can’t leave him. I care for him too much; I’ve got too much invested in this relationship...Yet, by the same token, I’m the only one fully invested...

He’s talked about wanting to be with me for the rest of my life, that he needs me in his life.

...Is this the kind of life I’m meant to live? To be the constant in his life while he looks elsewhere? To give him that mental stability of having someone and not being completely alone...and yet dying inside? Eventually hollowed out, cynical, bitter, and then eventually apathetic toward anything? Merely going through the motions of life without really living?

Is this how I’m meant to live?

written by Ivette, 24 January, 2013

I would advice you to leave him ,he’s no good for you it’s gonna continue and the more you find dirty stuff like that your gonna be more hurt,you can do better.

written by jaybabe, 06 February, 2013

I was with my ex-boyfriend for 5 years. At 2.5 years I found out he had been doing it the entire time we were dating. He said he would stop, but continued to do it behind my back. It was one of the main reasons i left him after 5...i really believed he would stop but he never did. I ended up leaving him and i cute off all contact cold turkey. I broke his heart and sometimes I feel like I miss him, and then I remember that for 5 years he wouldn’t stop doing this. I mean, even if he involved me at some point it would have been nice. I would have loved to have someone watch us be dirty together and I told him this, repeatedly. On the bright side, its 6 months later and I think hes got laid a lot, which is good. This behavior caused me to move on emotionally from him months ago. Despite how dumb he was about this and other things, I hope he can treat the next girl he chooses to love better. We were young, and we still are, so in the future, I hope that we can both be happy.